The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Money

Coat! Michael just rent The Devil wears Prada.
He has his netflix sent here to the office and he watches them in pieces when things are slow.
Steak! Where's my steak? He's a big Meryl Streep fan, so I shouldn't be surprised that he's identified with her character.
Get me Armani.
A suit? On the phone.
The main company number? 'Cause I'm gonna have to Where's Armani? He's on the phone.
Too slow.
You're not going to Paris.
I'm so much better than you are.
I owe you an apology.
- You finished the movie.
- Yeah, it was awesome.
Big surprise ending.
Won't ruin it for you.
No, go ahead.
Meryl Streep is the bad guy.
You never see it coming.
Anyway, if I was mean in any way to you, I'm sorry.
I just want what's best for you, Minushka.
He's watching Million Dollar Baby.
He's gonna try to kill me.
Tr Tra Tran Trans Transc Transcr Transcri Transcrip Transcript Transcript Transcript : Transcript : Transcript : S Transcript : Sw Transcript : SwS Transcript : SwSu Transcript : SwSub Transcript : SwSub S Transcript : SwSub Sy Transcript : SwSub Syn Transcript : SwSub Sync Transcript : SwSub Synch Transcript : SwSub Transcript : SwSub Transcript : SwSub Transcript : SwSub Transcript : SwSub Transcript : SwSub Transcript : SwSub Transcript : SwSub Transcript : SwSub Transcript : SwSub Transcript : SwSub Episode 4x04 "MONEY" So this one goes with my eyes and this one goes with your eyes.
People said I have very pretty eyes.
- You do.
- I haven't heard the same about you.
So let's just go with mine.
Well they both go with the carpet that I've ordered.
And if we go with the brown leather sofas, they go with that too.
- We already have a sofa, so why d - A futon's not a sofa.
It folds up.
You've only seen it flat.
- I know what a futon is, Michael.
- I Okay.
How much is it gonna cost? - It costs what it costs.
- No - It doesn't even mean anything.
- We've gone through this.
Yes! Money has been a little bit tight lately.
But at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No, I'm gonna be thinking about how many friends I have and my children and my comedy albums.
I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well, money-wise.
It's just, you know, you say it's gonna cost what - Yeah? - Michael, it's Ryan for you.
Conniving little runt Put him through.
Put him through.
Yes? Ryan, my man! - I email you about the new Powerpoint.
- Yes, thanks for sending that to me.
I had I.
install the updated Powerpoint on your computer so you can use it for the presentation.
I really want people use Powerpoint.
Okay, yeah.
No, I don't know.
I don't know.
I think those I.
guys messed up.
- Hold on, I get them on the phone.
- Wait, no, here it is Found it.
Sure, I can hold.
Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute.
Please hold.
Schrute farms.
How can help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights.
How many in your party? Oh, no, I'm sorry.
No king beds.
No queen either.
We make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes.
Closest would be twin.
Thank you so much for calling.
Call back again.
Auf wiedersehen.
- Hey Dwight.
- None of your business, Jim.
- You running a bed and breakfast? - It's not a B & B.
Agro-tourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast.
It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast.
- Department of Health know about this? - I am not telling you anything.
Permits are pending.
Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin.
- I'm looking for a room.
- Okay, this is a misuse of company phones.
It says here you cater to the elderly.
- Where did you read that? - Trip Advisor.
Trip Advisor is the lifeblood of the agro-tourism industry.
A couple of bad reviews there, you may as well close up shop.
That's what took down the Stalk Inn, one of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see.
How many in your party? Two.
We offer our tours of the fields and of the barn.
Perhaps you'd be interested in Mose's table-making demonstration.
So, I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight.
Actually, I need the car.
Why? For improv? Why don't you just pretend that you have a car? Good practice in case you ever do a scene where you need to pretend you have a car.
Used to have two cars.
Tred 'em in.
Now we're down to one.
Good economic sense.
Although the new car's a Porsche For her.
One cardigan.
One sleeping cardigan.
One sleep apnea mask.
What about my cherub figurine? You took that with you.
No, I left it on my night tab Your night table by the lamp.
You are incorrect.
I was recently scrubbing my room of memories and I didn't see it there.
My girlfriend and I broke up recently and I must say I am relieved.
Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats.
In the Schrute family, we have a tradition where when the male has sex with another woman he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his doorstep by his parents.
You can use those oats to make oatmeal, bread Whatever you want.
I don't care, they're your oats.
The bar uses an applause meter.
That is why it is so important that you all come and applaud only for my band, Scrantonicity 2.
Not Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of.
- Michael, can I count on you? - You cannot, I have a thing tonight.
Damn it.
- What? - That reminds me.
If the invitation still stands, Pam and I would love to have dinner tonight.
Oh, no.
I've a thing tonight.
- That stinks.
- Darn it.
- How about this weekend? - No, can't.
We only had tonight free and we really wanted to spend it with you.
Damn it to hell! - All right.
- What do you got going on tonight? You wouldn't understand.
It's a secret.
I wouldn't understand or it's a secret? You wouldn't understand, Jim.
It's a secret.
I'm sorry, Mr.
I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner.
I just have a very exciting offer.
My records indicate you've expressed interest in losing some weight.
What if I told you that I have a pill that will make you 50 pounds lighter in five minutes? How would that sound? Amazing, right? Well, it won't be that fast but it will It will be that easy.
I can't believe this place is real.
I'd heard about his beet farm for years, - but I never thought - The beets motel.
The beets motel? - That is - Thank you.
Borscht Hotel.
The Embassy Beets.
Radish Inn.
- How are you doing this? - I don't know.
Oh, my gosh.
I just love sales.
I love it to death.
It's as simple as that.
And I don't get to do enough of it as a manager, so I took this second job, kind of as a hobby.
Some people have golf or relaxing.
- What's going on here? - Hey, I just got off the phone and I was gonna make another call.
We're a legit operation with a license from the city.
I can show you.
We pay minimum wage against commission.
They're with me, so This is Nick Figaro, manager to the stars.
We have three rooms, each with a different theme.
What are the themes? America, irrigation, and night time.
- Irrigation.
- Yes.
I'll put you down for irrigation.
Now then, do you have any special needs or dietary restrictions? Yes, we will be requiring a bedtime story.
- Not even Harry Potter? - Jim, come on.
- But you promised.
- Mose, bags, now.
Here we are, irrigation room.
A very special room.
So I'll come get you before the table-making demonstration.
And as of this morning, we're completely wireless here at Schrute farms.
But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get that power back on.
All righty.
Everybody in the conference room in five minutes.
These meetings are useless.
I just want to remind you to stick to the script.
Been proven to work.
So make the call, say the lines, make the sale.
Got it? Very inspirational.
We're offering a $50 bonus tonight to the guy with the most sales, okay? - Or woman.
- Or a trained seal.
You can make jokes when you've made a sale there, rookie.
Okay? I'd say one in six.
What? I thought you asked me what are chances were of being murdered here tonight.
You know, I just realized this is Pam's and my first night away together.
I used to play it over in my head and it was just a little bit different.
Maybe a nice hotel or a romantic dinner.
Wine but wine that wasn't made out of beets.
Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all.
And I always imagined less manure.
I mean, some manure.
Just less.
This is beet food.
Mose, what are you doing? No, Mose! Put the Put the manure down.
Put it down.
Do not throw it! Do not Yes, is Mr.
Hudson there? Yeah, who is this? Well I'm just calling because you responded positively to Stanley? Why are you calling me here at home? SeƱor, are you happy with your long distance, sir? Michael, I know that's you.
Why are you calling me here at home? Have you con Have you considered satellite television? Michael, I know that's you.
I know your voice.
- All right.
- Why are you calling me here at home? When I'm at home at night in my own house in my sweats, drinking some red wine, watching my mystery stories, the last thing in the whole godforsaken world I want to hear is the voice of Michael scott.
Your son sounds like he's really motivated.
I think it's crazy that the coach won't play him, frankly.
My office.
You bet.
Just dial the number on the sheet and stick to the script.
Say the words exactly.
Got it? I don't know why we keep having this conversation.
Look, I know sales and I had that sale.
I just needed a few more minutes.
A few more minutes is a waste of our time! - It's not a waste of time.
- It's a trading game.
You give a quick pitch.
You make the sale and move on.
- That's how Vikram does.
- He doesn't have my people skills.
Good for Vikram 'cause he out-sells you every night.
Well, I hope this conversation has helped.
"And Harry saw "the white hand raise its wand "and felt Voldemort's surge "of vicious anger.
"Saw the frail old man on the floor "writhe in agony.
"It was over as quickly as it had come.
"Harry stood shaking in the darkness, "clutching the gate into the garden, "his heart racing.
" What did you get tonight? Oh, it looks like mixed marsala, eggplant, and rice.
Oh, that looks good.
And what about you? A peanut butter flavor again? I am going with the vanilla crisp this evening.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
I was a surgeon back home.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Wonder what I would've been back home.
- This is your home.
I know, but I mean, it's so competitive here.
What's the dollar worth in your land? Medical school must've cost, like, 40 bucks or a donkey or something.
I would've been chief of surgery.
Or a cowboy.
- Wait, you're going out there? - Yeah.
Oh, my god! What century is this? Here's the thing about Die Hard 4.
Die Hard 1, the original, John McClain is just this normal guy, you know? He's just a normal New York city cop who gets his feet cut, he gets beat up.
But he's an everyday guy.
In Die Hard 4, he is jumping a motorcycle into a helicopter in the air.
You know? He's invincible.
It's just sort of lost from Die Hard 1.
It's not Terminator.
Dude, you should review movies.
Oh, my god, yes! - Yeah, you should! - I actually wrote a movie.
- Really? - Well I'm writing one.
- What's it about? - Sort of spy thriller.
Hey, what's so captivating? I love captivating things.
And this must really be captivating because it's keeping you off the phones.
I mean, time is your money.
That's how I know how captivating it is because of how much time you've spent talking.
He returned.
Come in.
Did you have another nightmare? - I thought you were Mose.
- Does Mose have nightmares? Oh, yes.
Ever since the storm.
Is everything satisfactory with your stay? Yeah.
- Yep.
- Great.
Just that I'd heard crying or moaning or something in here.
Well I'll look into that in the morning.
Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.
Good night, Dwight.
Hey, so we're all gonna go out for a beer.
- You wanna come? - We'd love for you to come.
Thanks, no.
I've to work in the morning, so - All right, next time.
- Okay.
See you guys.
Hey, how are you doing? You drive.
I had too much wine.
- How was yoga? - I didn't go.
- Why? Why not? - I just didn't.
How was improv? - Good night, Vikram.
- Night.
- Congrats on the bonus.
- Thank you, Michael.
I'll nab it one of these nights.
If you concentrate and make your calls faster, yeah.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Morning.
- Hi.
Hey Dwight, how are you? Pam.
You okay? I'm better than you have ever been or ever will be.
Hey guys what's happening? How's my favorite branch doing? Michael, why don't you start us off.
That wasn't much of an introduction.
Ladies and gentlemen, your boss Michael scott.
Still lame.
All right Thank you, Ryan, for that wonderful introduction.
Okay Today, we're going to be talking about Powerpoint.
Powerpoint, Powerpoint, Powerpoint.
Yes, I forgot about Ryan's presentation and yes, it would have been nice to do well with the first presentation that he'd given me.
But you know what else would've been nice? Winning the lottery.
And the best way to start is to hit "start".
And up comes the tool bar.
That's what she said.
What we have to do here is go to "run".
And then, you look up to Powerpoint and we are in.
We are going to register.
You hit "register".
"Updates are ready.
" I should update.
"Estimated time 12 minutes.
" So it should take about 5 or 7 minutes.
Is this the first time you've opened Powerpoint? Why? You didn't prepare it, did you? Know what? I had really rough night.
And my boss can back me up on that.
- I'm your boss.
- My other boss, Mr.
You've another job? What I do beetween 5:30 pm and 1:00 am is nobody's business but mine and my other businesses.
Are you a cocktail waitress? You cannot have a second job - if it affects your work here.
- It won't.
- It did already.
- Okay.
Honestly, it is unlikely that I was gonna figure this out anyway.
- You're so funny.
- Why is Darryl here? - He works in the warehouse.
- I invited him.
It's not a party.
Darryl, downstairs, this isn't information you need.
This information here? Yeah, you're right.
I don't need this.
Hey, come on.
- See you later tonight.
- I got plans later.
Okay, bye honey.
How long to get this presentation ready? Why don't you do the presentation? - I mean, you know how to do it.
- What I really want honestly, is for you to know it so that you can communicate to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
What? - It's whoever, not whomever.
- No, it's whomever.
No, whomever is never actually right.
Well, sometimes it's right.
Michael is right.
It's a made-up word used to trick students.
No, actually whomever is the formal version of the word.
Obviously, it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
- Not a native speaker.
- I know what's right.
But I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.
- You know the correct one? - I don't know.
It's whom when it's the object of the sentence, and who when it's the subject.
- That sounds right.
- It sounds, but is it? - Ryan use it as an object? - As an object.
Ryan used me as an object.
- Is he right about that? - How did he use it again? It was Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object.
- Thank you.
- To whomever, meaning us, the indirect object, which is the correct use of the word.
No one asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.
Hey, this doesn't matter.
And I don't even care.
Michael, you quit the other job or you're fired here.
I've never done this before.
I've never quit anything in my life, so You are filming history.
Nick, I had a dream last night that I had two full-time jobs.
One here at the lipaphadrazone diet pill company.
- Lipaphedrine.
- The other, I was regional manager of a small paper supply company called Dunder Mifflin.
- Never heard of it.
- In this dream, I did both of these jobs beautifully.
And I loved it.
And everybody loved me.
The truth is - I can't do this.
- Are you quitting? I am.
Come back anytime.
Don't forget to disinfect your headset.
I was never in this for the money.
But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me.
I tried to live the dream.
I trieto have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed.
But the good thing about the American Dream is that you can just go to sleep.
And try it all again the next night.
So What's up? Me, all night, dreaming about Angela's smoking hot body.
- You're being gross.
- Not from a male perspective.
You need to set me up with her.
I know she told you she's looking and she's totally not responding my moves.
What moves? I've moonwalked past accounting, like, ten times.
- Can't believe it's not working.
- Yeah.
I don't know if I really see you two together.
Really? Well maybe you should look in the small part on your brain.
- She's very religious.
- Okay, well I come from a line of W.
so long it leads back to Moses.
Okay, well she takes her convictions pretty seriously.
She could be kind of severe.
Yeah, and I punched a hole in a wall.
- That's right, you did.
- Yeah.
Now that I think about it, Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple.
But I couldn't do that to Dwight or Angela or Andy.
Hey Kevin, you're a gambler, right? A rounder.
You play the ponies, tall horses.
I do gamble, Michael.
I was thinking about doing some gambling myself.
You know, just a little bit of money.
Maybe doubling it and then doubling it, several more times.
I don't know.
Kind of just for fun.
I was thinking Do you have any tips or ideas about sure things? Like a boxer who is gonna throw the big fight, you know, like he's tied in to some crooked dealings and maybe his kid is sick or something.
Like, who do I call about that? The mob.
Do you know anybody in the mob? Okay.
Oscar I'm gonna need another advance on my salary.
- What do you mean you've plans tonight? - I have my daughter tonight.
We're renting Charlotte's Web.
Well you have to make a choice.
- It's either your daughter or me.
- My daughter.
I see how it is.
That was cold.
He's always been terrible with money.
I bet it's Jan spending him straight to the poorhouse.
Yeah, women be shoppin'.
I can't believe he has a second job.
- He's not even good at his first one.
- Hey guys.
Whatcha talking about? Okay, I know what's going on.
Talking about Jim and Pam.
If they're having sex, what it looks like I know.
Michael, are you having money problems? Monkey problems? No, I'm not having monkey problems.
Why would I have monkey problems? - I know you heard me correctly.
- Oh, I hate monkeys.
What's going on? Why do you have a second job? I don't have a second job.
Maybe I am having an affair with Suzanne Sommers.
- Jan has no money? - I don't talk to my girlfriend about money.
It's rude and unsexual.
True, it's best to hide our money problems from women.
I totally agree with you.
But I don't have money problems.
All right, you know what? Watch this.
If I had money problems, would I do this? - You just put it back in your pocket.
- Yeah.
Yeah, but I destroyed it.
It's not even usable anymore.
Hey, let's call this what it is.
It's like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around.
It's gotten to the point where I get excited everytime I see that little dude walk through the door.
Well I just need to know where this is going.
Hey, I like you.
All right? Why's not to like? But you need to access your uncrazy side.
Otherwise maybe this thing has run its course.
Don't you dare walk away from me, Darryl Philbin.
You're the most selfish person I've ever met Slow down.
Think it over.
Darryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I've ever met.
I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking.
What kind of game is that? Hey, cuz.
- Heard you're having money problems.
- No, you didn't.
Listen, I got the answer.
You declare bankruptcy, all your problems away.
Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy.
When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider.
How would that help, Creed? In monopoly, you go bankrupt, you lose.
You don't go by monoly, man.
That game is nuts.
Nobody just picks up "Get out of jail free" cards.
Those things cost thousands.
That is a good point.
Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over.
It's a fresh start.
It's a clean slate.
Like the witness protection program.
- Exactly.
- Not at all! I've always wanted to be in the witness protection program.
Fresh start.
No debts, no bagage.
I've already got my name picked up: "Lord Rupert Everton.
" I'm a, uh, shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs.
That's the life.
I declare bankruptcy! Hey, I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word "bankruptcy" and expect anything to happen.
- I didn't say it, I declared it.
- Still That's That's not anything.
This is a lot of credit card debt.
Yeah, tell about it.
You know, Jan has my credit cards and she's using 'em as if I'm made of money.
She thinks I'm a human ATM machine.
$125, Amazon.
Oh, Best of the Muppet Show on DVD.
What's a "Core-Blaster Extreme"? That is by far, the best way to strengthen your core.
This machine You sit on a stabilizer ball.
You put your feet into the power stirrups, you reach up and you grab onto the super rod.
And you twist and you twist and you twist.
It strengthens your entire core.
Your back core, your arm core, your The marine corps actually uses it.
I think that's how they got "corps.
" I left a little present for Angela.
I think she's going to like it 'cause I found it outside vance refrigeration all alone.
And I told her in the note that the cat came to find her.
That they were destined to be together.
I got game.
Okay, the green bar is what you spend every month on stuff you need.
Like a car or a house.
That is so cool how you have my name at the top.
The red bar is what you spend on non-essentials, like magazines, entertainments, things like that.
This scary black bar is what you spend on things that no one ever, ever needs, like multiple magic sets, professional bass fishing equipment.
How do you do this so fast? Is this Powerpoint? Oh, man.
Angela really had a hold on him.
Michael, I'm gonna set you and Jan up with a debt consolidator.
- You meet with this guy - No.
We're leaving Jan out of this.
- She has to know.
- We will find another way.
We'll ask Powerpoint.
Michael, this is a presentation tool.
You're a presentation tool, if you think I'm gonna tell Jan about this.
- I'm done.
- No, you're not Just You're not a tool.
Look, I'll tell her that it's bad.
But it could've been a lot worse but due to some fancy financial footwork I was able to cut it in half.
Jan is smart.
She poses.
Dwight, how's the hotel business? Stupid.
You checked Trip Advisor recently? No Maybe you should.
Maybe you should Whatever.
We wrote a good review.
Under comments, we wrote: "The natural aroma of the beets "drifts into the bedrooms and makes you dream of simpler times.
" "The dawn goose walk will tug at your artstrings.
" "Table-making never seemed so possible.
" "You will never want to leave your room.
" "The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beetfarm.
" I'm glad you enjoyed your stay.
We really did.
It was fun.
So due to Michael's clever financial maneuvering, he finds himself tremendously in debt.
You're bro? How did you get that from what Oscar's saying? That's not I mean Michael, how did this happen? Where exactly did your money go? I I don't I don't get this.
I really don't.
I don't I don't understand how you could be so irresponsible.
I mean It is astounding to me, really.
- I don't know what more to say - Jan? - Yeah, what? - Michael left.
- Okay, where did he go? - I don't know.
Well is he coming right back? I don't think so.
I'll be right there.
What am I doing? I'm blowing dodge.
I'm getting out of town.
Whatever you'll call it.
I'm running away from my responsibilies.
And it feels good.
You may ask me out to dinner.
Nothing fancy or foreign.
No bars, no patios, no vegetables.
And no seafood.
Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton? Yeah, I didn't think I had.
Well It was all about Pam.
Yeah, I mean she was with Roy, and I just couldn't take it.
I mean, I lost it, Dwight.
I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything.
And then weird stuff, like, food had no taste.
So my solution was to move away.
It was awful.
And it is something that I would wish on my worst enemy.
And that includes you.
Hey, I was thinking about dinner Dinner Let's see, maybe we should try the new italian place where was the dry cleaner.
- Okay.
- Yeah? Yeah.
Jim's just really passionate about italian food.
Yeah, I'm very passionate about italian food.
In fact I'm in love with italian food.
- Jan, he went running that way - Okay, great.
Runaway train never coming back Runaway and I'm never coming back Michael? Hey, Jan.
What's going on? Not much.
- What's up with you? - Why are you sitting on a train? - Where are you going? - I'm out of answers, Jan.
What does that mean? I told you, no more answers.
This is who I am now.
A guy on a train with no answers.
I hope that can be enough for you.
Michael, come on.
Running away from your problems won't solve anything, you know that.
- I don't know that.
- Creditors can follow you anywhere with ease.
Your debt follows you around the world.
- Electronically.
- I'll stay off the grid.
Michael, come on.
Come on, you can deal with this.
It's not that bad.
Yeah, it is.
It is.
I really messed up.
Well When When my life fell apart and they And they screwed me in New York and I felt like my whole world was collapsing around me, I didn't have anyone.
I mean, my whole family still won't even talk me on the advice of council and my friends were just waiting for this to happen.
- That's really nice of you to say.
- Michael, no.
What I want to say is you were there for me.
By my side.
Without even a thought.
That's just who you are.
I mean No matter how badly I treat you or what l'm going through you just You are there for me.
And that is a guy worth staying beside.
So where's this train taking us? I don't I think the engineer left.
Hello, this is Dwight Schrute calling from Dunder Mifflin, and according to our records, you appear to be low on office supplies.
Okay, sure, I can take care of that right now.
Don't sell your implants, please.
I'm keeping them.
I know you like them.
- They're kind of uncomfortable though.
- It's nice though.
- My nipples aren't as sensitive now.
- Looks cute though.