The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Golden Ticket

That's no problem.
- Hang up.
- Sure.
- Knock, knock.
- On the phone.
- I know you are.
Knock, knock.
- You can fax it over.
Yeah, 5-7-0 - 5-5 - 5-9-1 - 0-1 - 7-4 - 7-5.
- "Flive-ling.
" That makes us look unprofessional.
They would never know it was me.
Here we go.
Who's there? - Buddha.
- Buddha who? Buddha this bread for me, won't you? Great.
I need something to wipe my hand.
There's butter on my desk.
- A classic.
- I got a knock-knock joke.
Michael, please? Please let me.
- Who's there? - KGB.
- KG - We will ask the questions.
What the hell was that? What are you doing? - Stop that.
Come on.
- You like that? What are you doing? Mine was part of a joke! Mine was retribution.
No more knock-knock jokes.
- That's it.
- Ding-dong.
- Who's there? - KGB.
- Dwight, get the door.
- I'm not answering the door.
- It's the KGB.
- You get it.
I'm not answering.
You answer it.
- I'm not gonna answer it.
- It's the KGB! The KGB will wait for no one.
It's true.
Proofreading: So.
& Valpi Episode 5x17 "Golden Ticket" Good morning, Michael.
I am not Michael.
I am Willy Wonka! Good morning, Mr.
Wonka.
Your messages.
Thank you very much.
What are those? Tell me please! Jelly beans.
They are not just ordinary jelly beans, little girl.
These are extraordinary jelly beans! The Willy Wonka golden ticket promotional idea is probably the best idea I've ever had.
It's probably the best idea anybody has ever had.
Three days ago, I slipped five pieces of gold paper into random paper shipments.
This entitles the customer to 10% off of their total order.
It will be a day for them that is full of whimsy and full of excitement and full of fantasy.
I have written these things because it is my responsibility as manager of this branch to "profiligate" great ideas, and I think I've done my part with the golden ticket promotion.
Now it is your turn.
I want to hear some great ideas from you that are just as good as mine.
We own our own delivery trucks.
We could lease them out on the weekends.
Too many words.
Good ideas are simple Golden ticket.
Free paper.
Jim, we're a business.
Post-its.
That is a golden ticket idea.
NASA took five or six golden ticket ideas to get men on the Moon.
Golden Girls That's a golden ticket idea, right? How great was that show.
Golden Grahams, another Is it I don't get this.
No, you don't.
What will be the state of this company if I am the only one coming up with the great ideas, right? I think I should call her.
Why is it so bad for me to call and ask her to lunch today? You're making it too easy for her.
You're just conveying, "I like you just the way you are.
" But I do like her just the way she is.
That's not what we agreed on.
What are you doing? Why don't you go on a date with her? Try to spark up an ongoing joke, and then in a month or two, if it feels right, you'll know.
You don't have to wait that long.
You don't have to wait a month to ask her out.
Ask her.
You're asking him to give up all of his power.
What power? Andy, Pam and Jim are all telling me how to deal with this girl that I like.
I don't like getting advice from more than one person at a time.
I'm a textbook over-thinker.
You can't let a girl feel good about herself.
It will backfire on you.
Every compliment has to be backhanded.
"I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair.
" That's psychotic.
- Do guys actually do that? - Guys with girlfriends don't.
That's low, Tuna.
Hey, Tom.
What's that? You found a golden ticket.
One of my clients found a golden ticket.
No, congratulations.
- Tell me.
- I'll take that down.
Was it a spoiled little girl with big lips? - I'm on the phone.
- Or an odd little boy with a cowboy obsession? Invite them on the tour! It's Blue Cross from Pennsylvania.
Really? That's kind of a big client.
How much of a hit is 10% of our Blue Cross account? - That's gonna hurt.
- Hold on one sec.
Hold on one sec, Tom.
What's that? You found five golden tickets? And does it say "Limit one per customer"? Nope, it doesn't.
How do you not spread out the tickets into different shipments? I thought I did.
OK, I'm gonna call corporate to make sure that they know I didn't lose half my sales.
You didn't.
That It'll be fine.
It'll be good.
You idiot.
Start over.
Sir, I placed a bunch of golden tickets into five separate boxes, and somehow they all ended up with Blue Cross.
- How does this happen? - Were the boxes near each other? Irrelevant.
I put three pallets on the truck to Blue Cross once a week.
They use a lot of paper.
I'm going to ask you something, and I want you to be honest.
What is a pallet? My golden ticket idea OK.
Why would anyone think that this is my golden ticket idea? There's a one in thirteen chance that this could be anybody's golden ticket idea.
That Dunder Mifflin.
This is Pam.
Hi, David.
No, I'm sorry.
He's not back from the civil rights rally.
I'll have him call you the minute he gets back from the Lincoln Memorial.
When Michael's skirting a phone call, he gave me a list of places to say he is.
"Stopping a fight in the parking lot.
" "An Obama fashion show.
" Whatever that is.
Or "Trapped in an oil painting.
" I'm gonna save that one.
Nobody panic.
The good news is - they can't fire all of us, right? - They can.
- No, they can't.
- Yes, they can.
You don't know what the hell you're talking about.
What do you think shutting down a branch is? Then we're screwed! I am just a net that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy, so I lost a ton of money today, and I've a mortgage, so I'm pissed, too.
Jim is with me.
Absolutely not.
I'm mad at you.
It is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam.
That is why carnations exist.
That's not why.
We need a golden ticket idea to get us out of this mess.
Does that mean an idea that blows up in our faces later? Good one.
Don't get that.
Please.
I've got a golden ticket idea.
Why don't you skip on up to the roof and jump off? That is not constructive.
Dunder Mifflin.
This is Pam.
Hi, David.
He's having a colonoscopy.
All right, I'll find out if he's out yet.
Hello, David.
I just got back from my procedure - What the hell is going on? - How are you doing? - Fine.
What's going on? - My colonoscopy was an examination of my large colon and the distal part of my small bowel with a camera.
Why did you okay this golden ticket idea? We're going to lose a fortune.
How could you let this happen? There is an explanation that involves me not letting it happen.
And I just don't I don't know.
- How could you not know? - I think We might have hired an outside marketing consultant.
We might have hired OK, what firm? You're breaking up.
OK.
I think it might have been an inside consultant.
Was it the sales department? Was it Jim? OK, was it Dwight? Come on in.
Good to see you.
Have a seat.
I just wanted to congratulate you on that great golden ticket idea.
That was your idea.
Who told you that? You did.
Several times.
That was your idea.
You were dressed as Willy Wonka.
- I'm not taking credit.
- Wasn't my idea.
- I'd love to, but I can't.
- Wait.
I wrote it down in my diary.
- You don't keep a diary.
- Yes, I do.
You've just never seen it.
"March 4th.
"Dwight came up with the best idea today about golden tickets.
" Hold that thought.
March "Michael came up with golden ticket idea to give 5 customers 10% off for 1 year.
" - Why do you have a diary? - To keep secrets from my computer.
You know what? You came up with this idea.
I remember you told me that you loved the Willy Wonka movie - when you were growing up.
- Impossible.
- Yes, you did.
- I wasn't given candy as a child, so a movie that fetishized it that much would have made no sense to me.
Plus we weren't allowed to see movies.
Do the math.
- What are you writing? - "Had conversation with Michael "about taking credit for an idea that wasn't mine.
Discussed movies.
" Would you like to go to lunch with me? Just the two of us? With all my heart.
You are throwing a lot at me.
All I'm saying is that's the first date, so just keep a respectful distance.
Right.
I don't think Jim means that you shouldn't touch her.
- No, that is what I mean.
- Shush.
A playful touch on the arm or on the back, it can show your interest, and it's really romantic.
- Like that? - No.
Stop it.
Don't touch her, don't talk to her, don't look at her.
Put your heart out there like that, it's liable to just turn into this blackened carbon brick.
It has barbecue sauce of shame and rage, and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that.
We think a lot alike.
Sometimes you will think something, - and I will say what you're thinking.
- What am I thinking right now? Nacho chips.
I was thinking about how the skin is the largest organ of the body.
Let me just cut to the chase.
I want you to fall on your sword for me.
Not gonna happen.
I did fall on my sword once.
I was running with it in my belt.
Won't happen again.
Why do you even want to stay at Dunder Mifflin? What's the point? You're cooped up in there all day.
You don't get to do your farming.
You're not dating Angela anymore.
It doesn't matter if you get fired for taking credit for the gold ticket idea.
It doesn't matter.
Me on the other hand, I would be lost without this place.
You, way too manly.
What about Shoe La La? It's not ready yet.
I have an idea for a fancy men's shoe store called Shoe La La, and it's just men's shoes for the special occasions in a man's life, like the day that you get married or the day your wife has a baby or for just lounging around the house.
May I have your attention, please? I have an announcement.
Mr.
Dwight Schrute and I just returned from a wonderful stroll together, and although I probably will never do it again, I had fun.
I really had fun with my best friend, Dwight.
These aren't announcements.
You just don't care about the information.
I love working here, and I do not wanna leave.
He doesn't love it that much.
It wouldn't be such a bad thing for him to be fired.
I mean, like we were talking about, that is why he has come to the conclusion We discussed the fact that I'm cooped up here instead of experiencing the whole wide world.
Plowing my own acres, going around shirtless all day.
Experiencing freedom.
That's it.
That's it.
You can't put a price on freedom.
- Try me.
- That's why you've made the decision.
- I haven't made a decision yet.
- You kind of have.
You cannot take the fall for him.
- He said he would do the same for me.
- He can do the same, right now, by getting fired instead of you.
So what are you gonna do? I'm gonna go back to work.
After I write you up for insubordination.
There he is.
Get in.
What's it gonna be? What are you gonna do? What's it gonna be? Are you gonna do this thing for me? How are you? Good to see you.
Nice surprise.
Dwight and I were just having a very unfortunate conversation.
That's too bad.
Yes, it is.
But it had to be done, didn't it? Hopefully nothing that can't be undone, because, Dwight, I owe you an apology.
The head of Blue Cross just called.
They were so excited by the golden ticket discount that they have decided to make Dunder Mifflin their exclusive provider of all office supplies.
Congratulations.
You're welcome.
I just want to say that this golden ticket idea is one of the most brilliant initiatives I've ever seen at this company, and how about a big round of applause for Mr.
Dwight Schrute! All right, Dwight! This is huge.
That's what she said.
- Very funny.
- Dwight, great idea.
Great idea.
How'd you come up with that idea? - Inspiration.
- Really? - How? - Never know when it's gonna strike.
- How did it pop into your head? - Just "boom.
" Give me the details.
You're talking to Dwight Schrute, the biggest Wonka fan I know.
You've been talking about that movie for years.
I even made fun of you when you dressed up as Willy Wonka to pitch this idea, - and for that I apologize.
- Apology rejected.
Thanks so much for helping the company.
- Good work, kid.
- Thanks, old man.
This is great.
I wanna get you on the horn with the marketing people in New York.
- They should meet you.
- Great idea.
Pam, could you set up a call in there in about 15 minutes, please? Sure.
Could I be part of the meeting also? You have too much to do around here.
I don't wanna take up your time.
Let's face it.
This meeting sounds like it's Wonka fans only.
He's never seen the movie.
All right.
Hey, guys.
I have with me Dwight Schrute.
- Dwight, take it away.
- Listen up.
Here's the deal.
I love candy, sweet sugary candy, from the second it touches my tongue to the moment its metabolized by my stomach acid, so naturally I liked Willy Wonka.
Wait, do you guys hear that? There's not a dog listening in? I hear panting.
No dogs.
So, I love Willy Wonka.
The golden ticket scene is so inspiring to me that that's where I came up with that idea.
There is no movie called Willy Wonka.
It's called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Based on a book called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
I can't vouch for that.
But I do know this He is a liar.
He has taken my idea.
- That is my - We are gonna call you back.
- What is going on here? - Here's what happened.
It was all my idea.
You called me and you were really angry at me and I got scared, so I had Dwight take the fall, but now it turns out that it's a great idea, and Dwight will not confess.
Can you believe that? - It is my idea.
- How dare you? It is my idea.
I'm filled with good ideas.
Thousands of good ideas! You are? Good ideas? Did you come up with toilet buddy? It's a net, a circular net you put inside the toilet to catch your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet? - Formerly known as toilet guard? - Horse boat! A canoe built around your horse so you can go from riding to water travel without slowing down.
- Horse boat! - Toilet sponge.
It's a hollowed out sponge that is more absorbent and softer than toilet paper.
- I have a lot of toilet ideas.
- 'Cause they're easy.
- They're not easy.
- Toilet piano bench.
Women's urinal! Everybody has to go to the bathroom.
Enough.
Please.
Enough.
Is this true, Dwight? Is this true? It's Michael's idea that he forced on me on threat of death! What do you want me to do now? What am I supposed to do now? David, I will be honest with you.
I do want the credit without any of the blame.
I am going back to New York.
Pam, do me a favor, don't send me those notes.
I am gone.
When they look back on this day in the history books, all that will be remembered is that I had a good idea.
And that's what I'm going to write down in my diary.
And that is what I want you to write down in yours.
I am.
In my own words.
I wanna see it.
I wanna see that.
Give me the diary.
I'm just gonna say to you everything that I'm thinking.
I think you have the best smile.
I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.
Nice.
Boobs.
Well, it's his funeral, so Who is it? - KGB.
- All right.
I just got out of the shower.
One second.
When you are done, open the door.
Hello in there? I'm late so I have to brush my teeth.
It's a whole routine.
We have other houses to visit.
If you wanna come back then, that'd be fine.
We'll come back at - How is 4:45? - I get home from work around 6:00.
How about 5:15? You can try it.
That might work.
- Very well.
We will come back at 5:15.
- All right.