The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Company Picnic

Dunder mifflin.
This is erin.
He's not available right now.
Sure, i'll give him the message when he gets up.
Gets back.
Michael had chicken pot pie for lunch.
Actually, let me rephrase that.
Michael had anentire chicken pot pie for lunch.
And-- Let me be more specific.
Michael ate an entire family-Sized Chicken pot pie for lunch, And then he promptly fell asleep.
So we're all trying to be very quiet So as to not wake him up before 5:00 p.
Which, actually, should be in about ten minutes.
Okay, i'm gonna go in there And change the computer.
Are you sure you can change his watch? I can do it.
What do you need from me? Normally, i don't condone leaving early.
But i have an appointment with the horse doctor.
How that horse became a doctor, i don't know.
Nah, i'm kidding.
He's just a regular doctor Who shoots your horse in the head When its leg is broken.
Like clock work.
Oh, no.
- What's so funny? - You had to be there! Oh, yay! Geography joke.
Oh, my-- Oh, wow.
Okay, all right.
Let's all go home.
Come on.
See you all tamale.
Good night.
- See you later.
- Good-Bye, micel! - Yes! - Yes! All right, you ready for this? Yeah, we walk around, everyone sees our faces, And we leave, right? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Wait, should i have left the car running? Oh, don't get us wrong.
We like picnics.
Come on, who doesn't like a picnic? Tell 'em at happened last year.
I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt.
No, no, that guy who hit on me.
Oh, right, some drunk guy hit on pam last year.
Said he was grabbing her for balance.
Yeah, you don't grab these for balance.
Well i'm gonna say 30.
Insect repellant, which we clearly need, Reduces the effectiveness of spf.
Good point, but thought of that already.
Combination spf/repellant.
- Whoa.
Homemade? - Of course.
You think the epa would ever allow that much deet? Rolph is my best friend.
We met in a shoe store.
I heard him asking for a shoe That could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.
Michael, isn't that holly? We're just friends.
Hey, hey! Wait a second.
Who let you in here is what i wanna know.
Oh, no.
I see they're letting just anybody in here.
Yeah, that's right.
- All right.
- All right, mm-Hmm.
- Hey.
- Hi.
You rember aj my boyfriend? A little bit.
Uh, i meet a lot of people.
- Hey, michael.
- Hey.
So would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you.
Either or.
The combinations are endless.
- Lemonade sounds great.
- Okay.
I'd love an iced tea, actually.
You can go to hell.
I'm kidding! Um, sure, i will get you the best iced tea in the world.
I lied to kevin.
Holly and i can never be just friends.
I wrote down a list of bullet points Why holly and i should be together, And i'm going to find the perfect moment today, And i'm going to tell her.
Number one: "Holly, you and i are soup snakes.
" The-- And the reason is because, in terms of the soup, we like to-- That doesn't make any sense.
We're soul mates.
Holly and i are soul mates.
Jim, pam.
- Hey, how are you? - Hey, charles.
- Nice day, huh? - Yeah.
Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest.
I don't get it.
He's not even my boss anymore.
Do you want me to beat him up for you? No, i shouldn't have to ask you To do stuff like that.
You should just do it.
Listen up, everyone! I've gone overhis lineup very carefully.
We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered Last year at the softball game With jim's whole spider-In-The-Mitt incident.
Right? Well, i could have died, so i looked it up online afterwards.
Erin, back row.
Ryan, you move up a w! Bro-Migo, You think you could put erin on my row? Why? I don't understand.
If-- No, wait.
W- Wait a minute.
I get it.
You want her to set you up So you can spike it.
Uh i' tell you what.
I'm gonna do you one better.
I'm gonna put you next to phyllis.
She's the best setter on the team.
That's-- Sly dog.
Not what i meant.
Come on, folks! What is up with you two, holly? Um, not much.
We're designing a house.
For who? For us.
I'm designing a chair.
It's part of your pants.
You sit down, you're supported.
I rember your chair pants idea.
I like that.
Put me down for a pair.
I'm a size 34 waist.
All right, fatty.
I will do it.
You know what? We should actually rehearse.
Okay, yeah.
You guys are really gonna do this? You bet your fat ass we are.
Well, in his infinite wisdom, ?? Llace has authorized us To put on a little presentation About the history of dunder mifflin.
Yep, the old comedyeam is back together again.
That's right.
Have ya hoyd the news? Extry, extry! Read all about it! Newspapers for sale! Are you blind?! Are you blind? Sirwith the glasses, Are you literally blind? I'm concerned you might be in danger.
These are expensive ray-Bans, jackass.
Okay, i was just looking out for you.
You're doing great, by the way.
I got it.
- kevin, come on! - Areyoublind? - I could have gotten that, idiot! It's not a sledgehammer.
- Can you see things with your eyeballs? Come on, people.
We need to get our heads in the game.
Let's focus, come on.
You're better than this.
I am better than this.
Phyllis, why are you sitting on the ground? We've been out here for a while.
I don't need this.
Oh, come-- Ryan, come on, man! - One second.
- W-Wait! Net.
Her hand's on the net.
- So what? - Rule violation.
Ball is ours.
Give it to me.
Our point! Okay.
Hey, pam, how you doing? Hey, do you know if you're right-Handed or left-Handed? Or do you even know? What hand do you use to answer the phone.
Back off, dwight.
Oh, yeah! Nice hit, pam! What? Maybe i played a little in junior high.
And in high school.
Maybe a little in college.
And went to volleyball camp most summers.
- ?? Yeah! We win.
- Nice job, beesly.
- We advance to the next round! Oh, lord in heaven.
Had to be part of the group.
I brought some snacky snacks, In case we get hungry.
Ooh, yes, please.
So what do you have planned for us today? - Hmm? - What? Do you have a script for the sketch, or umno.
I just thought we'd wing it.
That cool? Crystal cool.
- Hit it, andy! - Bump, i bumped it! - Set.
- Don't set it to yourself.
Yeah! Ow, my ankle! - What happened? - Itwisted it.
You weren't even moving.
Okay, sub! I can play.
Is there a meredith here? Yeah! Man in! Rolph, did you not hear me? I don't hear cheaters, tramps, Or women who break my friend's heart.
Let's go! We could do a movie sort of thing.
- We couldo back to the future.
- Oh! We have to convince dunder and mifflin To go back in time fix their parents.
Can we get a delorean? Jaws.
They swim in the ocean, And they terrorize the whole community.
dun-Der, dun-Der Dunder, dunder, dunder, dunder - We haven't found our great idea yet.
- No.
- We're circling it.
- Hmm.
Nicely done.
We're still gonna crush you, though.
- Yes, we are.
- You suckers are goin' down! They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves! - Piss all over your faces! - Okay, rolph, rolph.
It's true! Ah, this reminds me of the h.
Convention last fall.
Oh, yeah, with bernie and efrem.
That was hilarious.
- Really, really funny.
- Really funny.
Listen, guys, one more point, And we play corporat.
Settle down, gentlemen.
Good game! Welcome to the 43rd annual company picnic, everybody.
Thanks for being here.
Now a couple of ployees have volunteered To entertain us with a song.
Uh, it's a sketch now.
Okay, introducing scranton's michael scott Performing with nashua's holly flax.
I have not seen this.
And now, presenting slumdunder mifflinaire! Are you ready to play slumdunder mifflinaire? Yes, i am! For $100.
Where did dunder meet mifflinthe "A," on easy street.
"B," a tour of dartmouth college.
"C," they never met.
"D," brushing their teeth.
Ohhi'm thinking.
I'm going to say "b," tour of dartmouth college.
That is correct! How did you know that? I was there! Aah! I was a tour guide at dartmouth college! Noooo-Ho-Ho! Nice campus.
Think you'll get in? Yeah, i'm definitely gettin' in.
I'm a shoo-In.
I'm robert dunder.
I'm robert mifflin.
Robert mifflin had a great life.
But unfortunately, had undiagnosed depression, Which over nine million americans suffer from, And is ?? For $250, How did he kill himself? "A," a rope.
"B," a knife.
"C," a gun.
"D," brushing his teeth! $250 is more money than i've ever seen in my life.
I will say "c," a gun.
He shot himself in the head.
That is correct! Yes! I usually don't enjoy the theater.
But this is delightful.
The economic downturn has been difficult recently, Forcing the closures of both camden and yonkers, To be followed soon By what other branch? For $500,000, Is it, "a," scranton? "B," buffalo? - "C," utica? - What? Or "d," toothbrush? I will say "b," buffalo! Final answer! That is correct! What is he talking about? - How did you know that? - David wallace told me! David, is this true? Okay, everyone, we're at a picnic today.
Are we losing our jobs or not, david? - They didn't know? - I guess not.
I'm sorry, this certainly wasn't the time or the place To announce thisort of thing.
But there have been talks about closing the buffalo branch.
And we're-- We're closing the buffalo branch.
You've gotta be kidding me! - Are you serious? - You've gotta be kidding me! We're the best branch in the company! I can't believe it.
How could you possibly think That the right way to announce a branch closing Was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic? Welli didn't know they didn't know.
What about the fact that they're here today? - What about that? - That didn't throw up any alarms? No, michael need a little bit for his comedy sketch, And he thought, "oh, this would be really funny.
" - Thank you.
- Damn it, michael.
I told you that in confidence.
Now i have to go over and deal with these employees And their families.
A little boy just walked up to me and said, "Is my daddy gonna have a job by christmas?" Well, he'ju thinking about his own gifts.
Maybe we shouldn't play due to the circumstances.
Hey, people need volleyball now more than ever.
How do you figure? Because if we don't play, Then the other team wins.
Dwight's right.
Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked.
Let's do this.
Jim, come on! Look who just woke up! Uhh! I been up for a while! It's six to six.
It's a nail-Biter.
kav Seven Now it's seven-Six.
Or is that too much accounting for you? Here's an accounting question for you.
What does one fiance plus one lover equal? ?? One whore.
Okay, knock it off, rolph.
What? She's sitting there, casting aspersions-- Rolph, please.
I am asking nicely! - Rolph, leave it alone! - ??? - There you go.
- You got it.
??? Boo-Yah! Get it! - I got it! - Pam! - You all right? - Yeah.
No, no, no, i'm fine.
- You sure? - Yeah.
- easy??? - Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You wanna get that looked at.
No, no, it's fine.
Just give me a second.
I don't know.
You know, this is a company picnic, So, technically, that is a company injury.
You know, safest thing to do is get that examined.
Right, david? - Yeah.
- All right, you know what? You're justrying to get rid of our best player.
Oh, jim, you're putting a volleyball game In front of your fiancee's health.
No, uh-- Look, seriously.
I can move it fine.
Come on, let's go.
It's our ball.
Let's go! - I don't kw.
- Yeah, i don't think we can let you play with that foot.
Come on.
Tell you what.
I spotted a small hospital A few kilometers south of here.
Get her back as soon as possible.
I'll stall 'em.
I guess that's it for you, jim.
All right, you know what? ???Come on, all-Black.
We'll be back! Oh, man! I'm so mad that pam got hurt! Argh! Rrrah! I'll get it.
Probably shouldn't ve mentioned buffalo.
Should have had hindsight.
How do you think it went before the buffalo thing? I think it went well.
I think it was good.
There weren't any laughs.
No, it was a tough audience.
Yeah, but we wrote it Specifically for this audience.
Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, And that was one of them.
Well, i'm glad we did it.
Me too.
We have a lot of good material For next year's sketch.
I can't wait.
Yeah, she's with the nurse right now, So you'll have to stall No, don't send in the subs yet.
Dwight, i don't know.
Think of something.
Well, to be safe, we should do an x-Ray.
How long will that take? Oh, it shouldn't be too bad.
It's a slow day.
So no other radiation this year? No metal plates? No chance you're pregnant? I'm sorry, could we just hurry this up? I' got a game to get back to.
Oh, good, because my next question was Do you have a game to get back to? What'd you think? I loved it.
You know, there was a part near the end That seemed like that went on a little long.
But well, you guys should hit the road before i close down another branch.
So good to see you.
Good to see you.
- Aj.
- Michael.
I didn't find the perfect moment, Because i think that today Was about just having today.
And i think that we are one of those couples With a long story When people ask how we found each other.
I will see her every now and then.
And maybe one year, she'll be with somebody, And the i'll be with somebody.
And it's gonna take a long time and then it's perfect.
I'm in no rush.
- Ha! - Dwight, come on, now.
It's time to put in the subs.
Yeah, it looks like pam won't make it back.
- Okay? - Okay, fine.
All right! Come on.
Except, you know what? It's not fine.
How many people need to get hurt Before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? - Four? - Dwight no, no, hear me out.
Five? - Six? - Dwight.
Can i finish, please? Okay.
Eight? ???H, dwight, we're so close.
Just buy us a few more minutes.
Well, they just called me in for an updat So i'll call you right back.
?? Hey, dwight, uh send in the subs.