The Office (US) s06e01 Episode Script

Parkour! - Michael-- - Parkour! Parkour! - Extreme! Parkour! - Parkour! This is parkour.
Internet sensation of 2004 And it was in one of the bond films.
It's pretty impressive.
The goal is to get from point "a" to point "b" as creatively as possible.
So technically they are doing parkour As long as point "a" is delusn and point "b" is the hospital.
Parkour! - Yeah! Parkour! - Okay, here we go! Andy, leapfrog! Go, go! - Do me! Do me! - Yeah, okay! Yeah! - Parkour! - Ah! Get off! - Get off! - Okay.
Parkour! Jump over it.
Jump over the camera.
Jump over the camera.
Okay, we all go together or we go one at a time.
Here it is.
Here it is.
Truck to refrigerators to dumpster, backflip gainer - Into the trash can.
- Yeah, gainer! - Yeah, yeah, yeah! - Hardcore parkour! - Hardcore parkour! - Hardcore parkour! - I'm right behind you, andy! - Whoo! Let's do it! - Come on! - Yeah! Parkour.
Office.
S06e01 w w w .
b i e r d o p j e .
c o m Good.
Excellent.
Thank you.
Here you go.
Is there anything else i can do? Yes.
Um-- See those files behind kevin's desk? - Mm-Hmm.
- Go put them all in random order.
- Okay.
- Then come back here For your next assignment concerning their order.
This is the last day of our summer interns.
It's been nice.
We haven't had interns in a while Ever since michael's monica lewinsky incident.
He didn't do anything sexual.
He just made far, far too many monica lewinsky jokes.
It was just easier for corporate to shutdown the program.
- Think she did him? - I bet there's something there.
I was with them in the kitchen yesterday and they were all too happy to be cleaning the freezer.
If they get married before i do, i'm gonna kill myself.
Who's getting married? Nobody.
Somebody doesn't tell me, i'm gonna start screaming.
- It's eric and megan.
- Oh, hey, i hired them.
Matchmaker.
This place is like spaniard fly.
They're not getting married.
It's just talk.
Did everybody know about this but me? There's nothing to know.
It's just gossip.
Okay.
Okay.
We haven't told anyone that i'm pregnant.
What with her being unmarried.
Knocked up by some guy.
I mean, the yakkity-Yaks in this office would have a field day.
Yeah, and we don't want them at the wedding Thinking jim's being marched down the aisle by my dad with a shotgun.
Wait, there's not gonna be a shotgun? - Nope.
- No shotgun? 'Cause that changes everything.
Can't back out now, halpert.
What are you gonna do about it? There's no shotgun, so Free at last.
Free at last.
No, keep it up.
- You'll never guess what i know.
- Okay, let me finish this thought.
Eric likes megan.
He most definitely does.
He's been asking her out repeatedly for weeks.
She finally said yes.
They went out on a quick date the other night.
Apparently it went very well.
- How do you know this? - People tell me things.
I guess i have a face you can trust.
I think it's because of my low cheekbones.
And boom.
Okay, what is it? What can't i guess? I hate, hate, hate being left out.
Whether it's not being picked for a team Or being picked for a team and then showing up And realizing that the team doesn't exist Or that the sport doesn't exist.
I should have known.
Poopball? Oh, man, i know how you feel.
Third wheel.
I have been the third wheel so many times in my life.
My mom told me something once that made me feel a lot better.
She said the third wheel is what makes it a tricycle.
What are you talking about? I am talking about your group date with megan and eric.
- At tink's? - Yes.
- How'd you know about that? - Well-- Did stanley tell you? Stanley was on your group date? No, stanley was with his wife.
I waved at him but he didn't wave back.
Does anybody else know about this? No.
There he goes.
There he goes.
So what is the scuttlebutt? Anybody hear anything? Nothing? I got a little something-Something.
I don't know if i should say.
- So just keep it to yourself then.
- Stanley is having a midlife crisis.
Stanley is way past the middle of his life, Especially considering his height to weight ratio.
Well, apparently he and his wife Were out dancing at a club for young people.
Teri's out of town, michael.
- Who? - Stanley's wife teri.
She's at an interior decorating expo in philly.
And stanley hates crowds, kids, and music.
I think you should check your facts.
You stupid son of a bitch.
You set me up.
- What are you talking about? - Stanley's wife is out of town.
- He was with somebody.
- He was definitely with someone.
Oh, was he? Well, who, his sister? I don't get it! If that was his sister, then what they were doing was totally illegal.
Drugs? Making out.
Oh, okay.
Well-- Oh, no, okay.
No, it's okay.
Never mind.
Carry on.
Stanley is having an affair.
- What? - I know.
I am very happy right now, Thrilled perhaps, to be a part of the office, To be a part of the conversation.
When you have somebody's attention and their eyes are lighting up Because they are very interested in what you have to say, That is a great feeling and i experienced that firsthand today.
It is wonderful to be the center of attention.
That and that are the same letter.
"Q.
" No.
No, okay.
He's holding a pencil.
He could be doing a crossword puzzle with that pencil.
What's that letter right there? Same letter here and here.
What haven't you guessed? - "T.
" - "T," yes! Yes! That is a "t" and there's another one right there.
Just sound that out.
Ou're almost there.
Hey, stanley, where you going, big guy? Up to no good? I'm meeting a client.
Do you have a problem with that? No, no, no, no, no.
I just had a quick question for you.
I'm casting a movie and i'm looking for a woman who can dance.
Beautiful woman.
Do you know anybody? Good-Bye.
Pays $5 million.
Nudity required.
- You have to stop this.
- Did you hear? Stanley's having an affair.
I did from you.
You got to stop telling people.
Oh, okay, i get it.
You feel out of the loop and you feel sorry for yourself And it's really sad because everybody thinks you're a loser.
Do you even know if it's true? Do you have any idea? Because you might be ruining his life.
Hold up! Hold up! Hold up! Hold up! No, no, no, no, no! Time to stop being polite and get real.
Stanley, you having an affair? That is ridiculous.
Of course not.
Why would you think that? So it's not true.
Okay.
Well-- Oh.
Those interns.
They told me they saw you at the club And they all said it was you.
It was clearly just - Racial profiling gossip.
The little-- - Damn! - Told her it was a stupid idea to go up in that club.
- That's so stupid.
It's just that - Teri's been traveling a lot lately - I know.
I know.
- It's been lonely.
- Oh, i bet.
Cynthia's been keeping me company.
She was my nurse when i was in rehabilitation.
We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill.
- I didn't intend-- - Wait, wait, wait.
Ho--Hol-- So it is true? Yeah, but, michael, i'm going to go break it off.
- That's where i'm headed right now, i swear.
- Oh, my god.
Wait a second.
Do people often say they're going on sales calls and then go someplace else? 'Cause that's not cool.
I just need you to promise not to say a word about this to anyone.
Michael, please.
- I'm not saying a damn thing.
- I'm counting on you, michael.
Okay.
??? Oh, that smells good.
Yeah, i might have extra.
It just depends on how many i eat.
- Did you hear about angela? That's pretty weird.
- Yeah.
Well, what do you mean exactly? Well, the fact that she apparently is dating an 81-Year-Old billionaire Who owns a quiznos on the turnpike.
- Really? - Uh-Huh.
Right? How do you untell something? You can't.
You can't put words back in your mouth.
What you can do is spread false gossip So that people think that everything that's been said is untrue, Including stanley is having an affair.
It's like the end of spartacus.
I have seen that movie half a dozen times And i still don't know who the real spartacus is.
And that is what makes that movie a classic whodunit.
- Kelly has an eating disorder.
- Yeah.
- She always eats my lunch.
- Anorexia.
She's ana-- She's an "anorexitec.
" - We should do something.
- Nothing can be done.
Just have to tell everybody and hope for the best, i guess.
I'm worried about erin because she's not a very good worker.
I don't know how long she's gonna last here.
- Really? - Yeah.
So--And andy is gay.
- Andy bernard? - Mm-Hmm.
Did you hear pam is pregnant? - Really? - Yeah.
She's gonna hate being a mom.
What? Tea.
- So? - You would.
I like tea.
Oh, i bet you like it.
Yeah.
I like it a lot.
I love tea.
Do you like it as much as you like men's butts? What? 'Cause you're gay.
Who told you that? Was it broccoli rob? Someone from chi psi? Or did you run into someone from my high school? This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up.
Twice before, actually.
Just a weird coincidence.
It's a little too weird.
Almost makes you wonder if it's not a coincidence at all.
Whoa.
Which it is, of course.
But it makes you wonder.
Did you hear the rumor about me? That i'm gay? - I did.
Yes.
- And? - What? Do you think it's true? Do you think that i'm gay? Are you attracted to other men? No.
But let me kick you a scenario.
I'm at, like, a beach cabana And brad pitt approaches, tries to lean in and kiss me.
I would definitely resist, like, at first.
But if he was persistent, i might give in a little bit To just really see what it felt like.
Would i push him away? How hard? Like, what if he's, like, really aggressive? If you resisted brad pitt a little bit, He would still need to get to you? This is not real brad pitt.
This is, like, in my-- This is my fantasy.
Or it's, like, not fantasy.
It's, like, what i'm-- It's just a scenario.
Wow.
I--I am-- I wish i could help you.
I don't-- You might be gay.
You might be gay.
What exactly is my responsibility here? To comfort insecure heterosexual men? That can't possibly fall to me.
- How far along is pam? - A few months that's why they're rushing the wedding.
Guys, guys, guys.
You can't believe everything you hear.
Like stanley having an affair.
That is crazy.
Just there's no stock in it.
It's a weird day for false facts.
Let it go.
Okay, everybody.
Big day.
Last day for our interns.
Lot of other stuff.
Who knows what to believe? Dwight, the honors.
Present these to the dean for credit.
And as a gift, i've attached my card.
Call me anytime of the day or night.
Why would we call you at night? Well, now you can't call me at all, so problem solved.
And you're gonna regret that when you find yourself between a moose and her cubs at night.
Look to the intern on your left.
Now to your right.
One of you will do exceedingly well in business.
Just unlimited potential.
One of you will make a living and nothing more.
And one of you will make a great mother.
It's up to you to choose which you want to be.
- I am so happy you're eating again.
- Me too.
Dude, how come you never try to set me up? Oh, i don't really do that.
But pam might have some friends though.
- Women friends? - Yep.
Not guy friends? - Are you interested in her guy friends? - No.
- I mean, for the record, i prefer women.
- Okay.
But off the record, i'm kind of confused.
Really? Yeah, the evidence is sort of stacked against me, i feel like.
- Well, you got to figure this out.
- Yeah, right? - Yeah.
- How? You got to have sex with a woman - Right-O.
- And then a man and then compare.
Oh.
All right.
- Well, hey.
- Yep? - Congratulations to you.
- On what? Come on.
Little baby tuna.
Little junior toro.
You know, a baby conceived out of wedlock is still a bastard.
What? - Want me to say it again? - Why did that come into your brain? Can i talk to you for a second? So they know.
- Who did you tell? - I didn't tell anyone.
- Who did you tell? - Nobody.
Hey, did one of you tell stanley that i have asthma, 'cause i don't.
If it gets out, they won't let me scuba.
If i can't scuba, then what's this all been about? What am i working toward? What? You think i'm the voice of the taco bell dog? What are you guys talking about? I have a daughter.
How could i be a virgin? Has everyone heard a crazy rumor about themselves today? Yeah, yeah.
You know what? Let's discredit these rumors.
Yeah, sure, but who's been saying all that stuff? That's not important, jim.
I just think we shouldn't listen to any of this crap.
Sure, but we should get to the bottom of this.
Let's pick a rumor and trace it back to the beginning.
I need to do mine first.
Who's been saying that there's another person inside of me Working me with controls? I heard that from andy.
I heard it from erin.
I heard it from michael.
Michael Michael? He's over here! - Where you going? - Nowhere.
- Michael.
- Hmm? You told people that i use store-Bought manure When i showed you where my manure comes from.
Hmm? Hmm? - Don't get on it.
- Michael, don't.
- Don't get on.
- Michael.
- Do not.
- Michael, no.
- Stay, michael.
- Step away.
- Stay.
- Don't.
- Come on, boss.
- No, no.
- Okay, i made it all up.
- What? - Even the fact that i'm gay? - Yes.
Yes.
But, guys, i'm a victim here too, okay? People have been saying that i am a j.
Crew model.
No, we heard that about jim.
Jim? No, no.
I spread the rumor that somebody here was a j.
Crew model and i was referring to myself.
How is that a bad rumor? Because a lot of people think that models, Even though they're very attractive are somewhat vapid.
It set our industry back quite a bit.
Michael, why? Why say all these things? Why make up an eating disorder, stanley's affair, Me being a spokesdog? You told everyone i was having an affair? Okay, okay, here's the thing.
There was one true rumor out there today.
I didn't want everybody to know what it was, So all of you are off the hook except for this one person.
Well, then what's the one true rumor? We have a right to know.
Michael, am i gay? The one true rumor-- And this is gonna ruin this person's life--Is that-- That pam's pregnant.
- I knew it.
- I knew it.
- I knew it.
Her breasts were a tiny bit bigger.
At first i thought, oh, she has a new bra with padding.
But then i thought, pam doesn't need padding.
It just didn't add up, jim.
Okay, thank you.
- Congratulations.
- That's really great, you guys.
- Don't vaccinate it.
- Who's the father? Jim.
- How far along? - Four months.
- Who's the ob-Gyn? - Stop.
Don't say.
All right.
All right, you know this is not the truth And you can't fall on a sword this way.
The real thing is that stanley hudson had an affair.
- Nope.
- Yes, jim.
Thank you for trying to defend us, but actually, pam is pregnant and we can prove it - Yes.
- If everybody would like to see proof.
Want to--Okay.
- Just gonna wait for her? - What's the "proof" mean? - Oh, my! There it is! - It's true! - Pam, look at that! That is the inside of your vagina.
That's not how it works, but-- It's clear why we were trying not to tell people.
That's clear now.
Yeah.
How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? Month? A year? Michael, we only told our parents last week.
Did you pee on a stick? I did.
But it was inconclusive.
You should have told me.
You're right.
We should have realized that you are an equal part of this.
Yes? Michael, teri hudson returning your call.
- You called stanley's wife? - Oh, oh, yeah.
A long time ago.
Just to make sure she was out of town.
- Oh, god.
- Don't take it.
No, i have to take it or it'll seem suspicious.
If you talk to her, you're gonna tell her about stanley and that's gonna seem more suspicious.
No, no, no.
I can do this.
- You can't do this.
- Yes, i can.
I am going to tell her that i need to redecorate my condo and i need her help.
We will haggle about money and i will back down And then i won't talk to her until this whole cynthia thing's blown over.
- Michael, please don't.
- Sounds terrible.
Hey, what up, cynthia? Just hang on a second, cynthia.
Well, it turns out that teri was already suspicious Because she had caught stanley and cynthia a few months ago.
So stanley promised that he would stop and he did.
End of story.
Well, not exactly.
Uh, cynthia kept calling him.
She would not stop calling him and she was in love with him.
Oh, and get this.
Cynthia? Also married.
So you can't stop love, i guess.
And quite frankly, i don't think?? I learned that a company can describe an internship as full of exciting experiences, Even if that's a lie.
There's no regulation.
I learned that half these people's email password is "password.
" - I learned that a ream of paper is 300 sheets.
- I thought it was 500.
Oh.
I guess i didn't learn anything.
I learned that if you look even the tiniest bit like jet li, Michael will call you jet li all summer.
- Julia stiles.
- Alan thicke.