The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Mafia

The fundamentals of business.
The fundamentals of business.
Mental is a part of the word.
I have underlined it.
Because you're mental if you don't have a good time.
You have to enjoy it.
The fun is in it.
- Fundamental.
- Right.
- Get out.
- I am.
Yes, so it all starts with a handshake.
But you can't just go right to the selling.
You need small talk.
What topics can you use for small talk? Golf, stock market.
- Dave Matthews.
- Yes, what else? Small things Peas, ball bearings, dimes.
- The weekend.
- That's good.
Come on up.
Meredith, come up here.
Let's do a little something.
So Meredith and I have just started conversing, and I will say, "So Meredith, "how was your weekend? What did you do?" I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet.
- All right.
- He calls it an upper-decker.
don't know about business I could fill a book with.
- Then do it.
- What? Write a book.
The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott.
Over 1 billion sold.
More than the Bible.
I'm not surprised.
Chapter one.
The businessman Episode 6x05 Mafia Mr.
Grotti, this is Michael Scott.
He's the person you should talk to.
I'm sorry, just a sec.
You're supposed to be the gatekeeper.
Do you have any idea how valuable my time is? Your schedule just says nine till noon is creative space.
- I thought this could be part of that.
- Do you know how creative space works? Okay, I just canceled my afternoon.
.
It just says, "free play.
" Push "free play" till tomorrow morning.
Sorry, crazy day.
You're seeing how the sausage gets made.
Come in the conference room, and I will show you a finished sausage.
As a manager of business, you got a lot of pride.
But you also got a lot of responsibility.
None greater, perhaps, than the need to be sure that your small or large business is secure in the event of a covered loss.
There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman than having to listen to a bad salesman.
It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player.
Jim's gone on his honeymoon.
So I started borrowing his office to fart in.
Then one day, I came in, and I just stayed.
'cause this place is awesome.
It feels like home now.
Even better than my home.
My home sucks.
What do you think? Think you're right.
Definitely looks suspicious.
And his southern italian heritage raises some flags.
God forbid you Should have a fire in the warehouse.
Definitely.
All that paper burning up.
And the truck goes off the side of the road.
- There's injury.
- I hear you.
The truck.
.
I can be very, very persistent.
Do your worst.
Great.
Would you look at that, people? What an unpredictable world we live in, huh? ? - Nothing.
Once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman.
- Did he threaten you? - Not everything is a threat.
- Mobsters are.
- There is no such thing as monsters.
- He drives an SUV.
- I knew it.
More trunk space.
Or should I say corpse space? Guys, I drive an SUV.
Does that mean I'm in the mob? No, not that by itself.
But look at all the facts.
He seems like a mobster.
When did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance.
Mobsters have a front.
Sometimes it's selling insurance.
Sometimes, it's waste management or sanitation.
Not all Italian-Americans are in the mafia.
I think He just seemed like he was trying to sell me insurance.
"Buy my insurance, or I burn your warehouse down.
" He did talk about a fire in the warehouse.
And he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer.
Who else is here? Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon, so there's not the usual balance between sane and others.
Toby has mentally checked out since June.
It's a very dangerous time.
The coalition for reason is extremely weak.
Oscar says I checked out, huh? All right, hey, hey, hey! Calm down, calm down You lived in New York.
What do you think? First of all, there's no such thing as "the mafia.
" What you have are specific families.
What's the guy's last name? It is Grotti.
Boy.
I mean, what? John Gotti, you idiot.
It's a completely different name.
- So he won't get caught.
- It's pretty close.
What mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti? - It weakens it.
- No, I disagree.
"R" is among the most menacing of sounds.
That's why they call it murder, not "mukduk.
" Too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.
- Lock your door! - I'm not gonna lock my door.
It's Oscar.
I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon.
What is going on? It's Michael.
He thinks he's being shaken down by the mob.
How do you usually handle this? We're in Puerto Rico, so It's Pam.
We're on our honeymoon.
Sorry.
physical danger, you should not be calling us.
You're right.
Sorry.
It's from Grotti.
He's following up.
Already? This guy is persistent.
"I feel "that you will regret "missing this great opportunity to be in business.
" That's bad.
What are my options here? Do I just ignore it or Right.
You heard him.
He's gonna burn the warehouse down our trucks off the road.
I'm calling the police.
That is the stupidest thing you could do right now.
He's right.
Cops can't do anything until a crime has been reported.
Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horse's chopped-off head in your bed.
- That's not gonna happen.
- That's an exaggeration.
- What am I supposed to do here? - When somebody threatens you, you give in right away.
buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back.
I was thinking exactly the same thing.
Criminals are like raccoons.
You give them a taste of cat food, they'll back for the whole cat.
The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him.
Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people.
.
Hear him out.
This is interesting.
Here's what we do.
We meet him in a public place.
Ask him to lunch or something like that, violent.
Let him know that you are not kind of guy that he can shake down.
You're stubborn.
dangerous.
I like this plan.
I'd like to officially withdraw my plan.
Hold on My plan is out.
We do it the hard way.
All right.
I will meet with him.
But I am not going alone.
- You're gonna have to.
- We're right beside you.
What? What are you wearing? Who's Pat? If I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion.
And I have to justify it somehow, so I'm a mechanic with a tire thing.
Do you know how to use it? - To change tires? No.
But it's metal.
I could hit somebody.
- Should I change? - You're wearing loafers.
Forget it! Take that thing off the table.
Please.
Then, I can't use it.
I'm just gonna hide it.
The bathroom checks out clean.
Nothing behind the toilet except this roach motel.
You'll never kill it that way.
You want to separate the head from the thorax.
Cool it.
There he is.
- Mr.
Scott.
- Mr.
Grotti, we meet again.
These are my associates.
Hi.
Angelo Grotti.
- So - You got this table? What's this, one of them half-booths, can't decide what it is type of Waitress.
- We're gonna sit over here.
- That's fine.
Hello, Mr.
Halpert? The identity theft department at Capital One.
We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card.
Man, do you think it was stolen? First, would you mind verifying your home address? Linden Ave.
, Scranton, PA.
May I have the last four digits of your social security? Mr.
Halpert, you're obviously not in San Juan, Puerto Rico.
Wait a minute.
Yes, I am.
I'm going put a hold on your card.
I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer.
Very funny, sir.
right away.
Have a nice day.
And thank you.
Shoot.
If you want to supplement your coverage, we can do that.
If you want to replace your current coverage, all the better.
You seem like a nice guy.
He's not that nice.
That's true.
- That's very true.
- Shut up.
Have you decided? I'll have linguini, red sauce on the side.
If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back.
I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt.
If it comes burnt, I will send it back.
And for you, sir? I will have the gabba-gool.
The what? The gabba-gool.
- I don't really know what that is.
- You know, gabba-gool.
I don't have to have that.
gabba-gool.
think that we have that.
- That's okay.
Bring him the gabba-gool! I will have the spaghetti.
With a side salad.
If the salad is on top, I send it back.
Why would you cancel Jim's credit cards? I usually can think quick on my feet.
But they were so fast on the phone.
This constitutes identify fraud.
I wouldn't last in jail, Oscar.
I'm not like you.
What's that supposed to mean? You don't know about jail? You would love jail.
Why would I love jail? Because You would love it.
I don't think our company actually needs any more insurance.
So I am out.
Look closely, Michael.
I feel there's a plan here for you.
Maybe we have a plan for you.
How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind.
Anybody can get hurt.
You always think it can't happen to you, and Think about it.
Excuse me.
Sorry to bother you.
Are you a mechanic? My battery's dead.
help? Yes, I can.
Come on, I'm sorry.
We're having our salads.
Come on.
Lady in distress.
Go, go! Sorry.
Thank you so much.
I really appreciate it.
Do you need any help? I'm sure he can handle a simple jump-start.
Now come on.
Sit down.
- He's a good mechanic.
- Sit down.
- Where were we? - I don't He was trying to force you to decide on a policy.
So we're - choosing a check up dental.
- All right.
Put 'em down.
Black goes on the red with the If we Positive It being a motor drive, it's just probably down.
- He seems bad at this.
- You want to do this, Junior? I didn't think so.
I'm sorry.
Kind of a long day at the mechanic store.
- You got a leaky spark tube.
- What? So your car's totaled.
You're just gonna want to get a refund on that.
Or my guy could do it.
He's great, but I can't do that for you.
I work exclusively on motorcycles.
Now, if you could just sign this letter of intend, I'll bring this back to my boss, and we can get this in motion.
You okay, Pat? I was just thinking about how I had this car, 'cause This Italian car.
And I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil.
But I wouldn't give it any oil.
And then, one day, it exploded.
And it killed everyone.
And that's what I'm afraid of.
Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in the car? It was before my technical training.
Don't do it.
- Do it.
- Don't.
Just do it.
Look, Mike, I don't know what your friends are telling you.
But you have to decide for yourself.
They gonna take care of your things if you die tomorrow? I don't understand.
Why would you buy a policy? It's just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour.
.
I'm proud of you.
I had to make a snap decision.
.
You were sitting there for an hour.
It was a lot of snap decisions.
Do you know what snap decision means? - It means like this.
- Just get in the car.
Thank God.
How did you get this number? - We're on a catamaran.
- It wasn't easy.
I had to tell the hotel that it was a medical emergency.
I chose massive coronary, 'cause you told me that your dad had a bad heart.
Listen, man.
I got a problem.
I think I'm in trouble with the mob.
Or a major insurance carrier.
- That sounds bad.
- I know.
And you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I'm turning to you, my friend.
All you're gonna need to And then go to - Are you - And you'll be saved.
What? Wait, I didn't hear a thing you just said.
Just a And then you'll be saved.
I missed the important part again.
And you'll be saved.
Please, repeat what you're saying.
I can't understand you! Bermuda Triangle.
Please don't call again.
Question for you.
I recently purchased some insurance that I can't afford, given my present salary.
Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away? Accounting-wise, no.
But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it.
What about this cash for clunkers thing? All right.
It was a thought.
We have let Michael down.
And it's 85% your fault.
He's alive, so you're welcome.
Not on the inside, he's not.
Look at his life.
Broke.
Living in fear.
No friends, dead end job.
Some of that existed before.
Not the living in fear.
That's new.
You're right.
That is new.
He's got to stand up to this mafia guy.
- I don't see that happening.
- Me, neither.
Not the way things are now.
But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy? Are you saying that we surgically remove the fear center from Michael's brain? What is wrong with you? him that the guy's not mafia.
That seems a little far-fetched.
More far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened.
Incredible news.
Grotti is clean.
No, he's not.
He's just good.
Nothing sticks to him.
it works.
What we're trying to say is we made a mistake assuming he was mafia.
I have a buddy who's a fed, and we did a background check on the guy.
His background is perfectly clean.
It's true, he's clean.
friends still on the force.
Checked with them.
Ran his fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take.
lovely guy.
Sweetest guy on the force, really.
- Class act.
Boy scout.
he acts like he's mafia, though.
He's trying to intimidate you to close sales.
He's just a pushy salesman.
And he made us all look like chumps.
If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia, it is a liar.
I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars.
And bury them in my yard.
And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing.
Not that I would be lying, per se.
But I would just get really quiet all of a sudden.
- This is Grotti.
- This is Scott.
Great, Michael.
I'm just finishing up your paperwork right now.
Really? Is that supposed to scare me? I thought you'd be pleased.
You thought wrong.
Because I am not pleased.
I'm actually kind of P.
O.
'd.
- Why? - I think you know exactly why.
Because you were trying to scare me - into buying insurance.
- I don't get it.
How was I scaring you? I think you knew exactly what you were doing, and frankly, I think you were being a total and utter jerk.
You suck! won't buy your stupid insurance.
Let's wrap it up.
- How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you if you show your face Michael, when we all calm down here, maybe at some point in the future, you change your mind, why don't you give give me a call? Doubt it.
What a tool.
What? Next time you look in the mirror, you're gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia.
- What do you mean? - We just told you he wasn't mafia so you wouldn't be scared.
- What? - You successfully backed down the mob.
You made the mafia apologize to you.
You made the mafia be polite.
I should be mad at you, guys.
But I'm not.
So I looked him in the eye, and I said, "Not today, Grotti.
"Not today.
"And not tomorrow.
"And not the next day or the day after that.
"And you can tell all your friends "that if I see them, then they are already dead.
" I said something like that.
Very close.
Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg.
Coffee.
Not from the kitchen.
Stop and shop.
If it's not stop and shop, I send it back.
Large.
If it's a medium, I send it back.
If it's an extra-large, I send it back.
- How do you return coffee? - Go.
Any questions? Are you kidding me? Is Jim there? Our credit card has been canceled, and we have to deal with that, and I really can't handle the fact hat you're calling us here! That sounds good.
I'll let you go.
Tell Jim that I said "Hi.
" I will.
I will, Kevin.
I will make that my top priority.
They have no idea what happened.