The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Lover

They're back.
Jim and pam.
How was puerto rico? Was it so romantic? - It really was.
- Really was.
I'm so happy for you.
Puerto rico was awesome.
Oh,my gosh,the honeymoon was great.
We met this other couple at the resort,frank and benny.
We hung out with them a lot.
Frank and beans.
Always makes her laugh.
Frank and beans.
Is there someone there? Who is there? - I hear voices,is somebody there? - Yeah! Is someone here? I can't see you.
Because i'm blind.
It's jim and pam,michael.
- It is? - Yeah.
They're back? - Oh! Oh! Oh,pam! - Nope.
- And oh,jim - hi,michael.
Oh,i haven't seen you since my accident that i had when i fell--i fell into the pool of acid,eyes first.
Blind guy.
Blind guy mcsqueezy.
How do i describe it? It is a character i've been workshopping whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble.
The women in my improv class absolutely hate him.
So what'd you bring us? - Some candy.
- What else? That's it.
Oh,'cause you spent so much on the wedding.
It's good to be home.
This conversation has two items on the agenda.
Do we have a conversation scheduled? Number one,do not leave your things on my desk.
It's not some kind of personal pen receptacle for you.
I don't care how high they promote you.
Which brings me to item number two.
I never formally congratulated you on your promotion.
So i'd just like to say "con quack ulations.
" wow,that's-- really thoughtful of you,dwight,thank you.
You're welcome.
I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard.
Now i can observe jim,trap jim,and destroy jim.
Just like in the bavarian fairy tale.
Only this time,the mallard skins the toad alive.
And of course in this version you lose the whole veiled critique of the kaiser thing.
I'm sorry to have been bugging you all these years.
It's a real handsome duck.
Okay,i'll get out of your hair.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Uh,we brought back some puerto rican candy.
Coco leche.
That's my favorite.
I'll leave it up here so everyone can enjoy it.
Oh,um,let me just check with michael first.
I think it'll be okay.
I think it will too,but i'll just check with him,though.
- I have recently taken a lover.
- Well,that's great.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Who's the lucky lady? - Pam's mom.
- What? - Pam's mom helene.
Remember from your wedding? - You're messing with me.
- About what? - You did not have sex with pam's mom.
- Oh,big time.
- What kind of car does she drive? - She drives a green camry.
And the seats go all the way down.
All the way down.
Oh,my god.
Oh,my god.
- What? - Okay,never tell pam.
**** Okay,good,a pact.
A pact.
Although i may have to break it tonight when helene and i tell pam over dinner.
- You all right? - Oh,my god.
- Hey,jim.
- Not now,toby,my god! - Oh,jesus.
- Get the hell out of here,idiot.
- What did i do? Okay,as far as dinner tonight,cancel that.
And please,for both of our sakes, never,ever,ever see her again.
I think you're underestimating pam.
I think more than anything,she wants me to be happy.
No,not more than anything.
- Okay,i have a good thing with the mom-- - don't call her "the mom.
" she's right on my way home from work.
Then take a different way home,man! I di--all right.
I'll take surface streets,it's-- the last thing in the world i would want to do is upset pam.
- Okay,so we're good.
- Yeah.
Can you change my dinner reservations from four people to two? Sure.
Oh,is it okay if i put out some candy that pam brought back from puerto rico? Sure.
Thanks for asking.
Pam,we're all set.
- Frank and beans.
- Frank and beans.
So what'd we decide for michael? The bottle of rum,or the seashell alarm clock? You know what? Can i have the weekend to decide? Bottle of rum it is.
All right.
Shall we? You know what,i am really slammed trying to catch up on everything here.
And i know that michael's slammed too.
So maybe we should do this when things are a little less crazy.
Come on,it'll take two seconds.
I feel like a real puerto rican.
Michael,you're all set at botticelli's.
I changed the reservation to two people.
- Fun.
- Yeah.
Botticelli's,that sounds like a special occasion.
Yeah,no,it's nobody.
I don't know,i think michael has a date.
- I think you have a date.
- I don't.
I don't.
- Come on.
- Uh,i think we should just drop it.
'Cause obviously he doesn't want to talk about it.
- I don't deserve this,guys.
- Yes,you do.
- No,i don't.
- Just take the parrot.
Back to the old grind.
I was probably gonna break up with her anyway.
Oh,that's too bad.
- Don't-- - pam,it is very complicated.
There are a lot of moving parts here.
- Sounds complicated.
- It is.
Yeah,but i mean,if you really like this person, then you should see where it goes.
- You want me to be happy? - Of course.
Part of the problem is she is the mother of a close friend of mine.
More than a friend.
A coworker.
Who is it? Who is it? Who is it,michael? Who? It's okay.
Oh,my god! Oh,my god! Nooo! I honestly thought that could've gone one of two ways, but i never expected her to get upset.
You seem tense.
Hey,you want me to give you the chills? Okay.
There's an egg on your head and the yolk is running down.
- The yolk is running down - mm,feels good.
There's a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down.
I'm sleeping with pam's mom.
Sometimes dinner.
The blood is gushing down,the blood is gushing down.
You know,i really would've appreciated a heads up that you were into dating mothers.
I would've introduced you to mine.
How could you do this to me? He's my boss! How many times have i complained about him to you? No,i am not being dramatic,you are being crazy! Who wants a hot chocolate? Thank you.
Oh,so dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift, and i found a recording device in it.
So i think if i played it just right, i can get dwight to live out the plot of national treasure.
You need to be more upset about this.
She's your mother too now.
Your mother is sleeping with michael scott.
Andy,can i talk to you for a second? Sure thing,tuna boss.
How may i be of service to you? I am gonna need your advice.
I was thinking of getting this opera for dwight's birthday.
What do you think? I think he's really gonna like it.
I think it's one of his favorites.
This aria is a joke.
Really? What are you thinking? - I was gonna go with this one.
- Let me tell you something.
If you respect him at all,you will get him something better.
Bernard dog,what was that all about? I know,right? What were you guys talking about in there? Trust me,it would only make you mad.
Due to a certain recent incident, corporate has asked all the branches to come up with ideas as to how we can better communicate with our communities.
Is this because of the 60 minutes segment about working conditions in our peruvian paper mill? That was a hit job.
If you read the dunder mifflin press release, it clearly states that they had absolutely nothing to do with that particular cancer cluster.
So if there is a lesson to be learned here, and i'm not sure that there is, it is that in order to help our communities, we need to put other peoples' needs ahead of our own.
And whoever comes up with the best idea gets a $50 gift certificate to the restaurant of his or her choice.
Okay,who wants to help the world one step at a time? - All right,good.
- Volunteerism is important.
Every weekend i volunteer at the local animal shelter, and they need a lot of help down there.
- Last sunday i had to put down over 150 pets all by myself.
- All right.
That's-- - paint a mural of chicano leaders.
- All right.
I have a way to make scranton a better place.
You could leave it.
Okay,i'm outta here.
See you later,guys.
And stay out.
Promise to write.
Oh,no,here's an idea.
I love it.
Let's start by conserving our time and stop having these stupid meetings.
No more meetings! Anybody else? Who else has an idea? I have some ideas about conservation.
- Angela.
- Thank you.
Hold down the fort.
First of all,i think that what's--why are you crying? What--what did she say to you? Yes,and i think we should look into that.
**** Speak up louder.
- Well,our profit and loss-- - No,i'll talk toer.
I will--no,nobody talks to my baby that way.
Yeah,i'll let you know how it goes.
Who's "pickle"? Pamela morgan beesly,you need to apologize to your mother right now.
- I'm sorry,i was told i had the floor.
- Yes.
Whoa,hold on.
What's going on? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
It'sll good.
I'm not apologizing to anyone.
Michael owes me an apology.
For trceying to find happiness in the arms of a lover? Don't call my mother your lover! Ooh,es! That is not okay,dude.
- All right,in my defense - diusting.
- That'sessed up,man.
- Yes,thank you.
Welcome to my personal hell.
You have no sense of boundaries,micha.
Shut up,oscar.
He all right,you know what? Clearly i'm outnumbered here.
But could i just say e thing? Please? What is so wrong about me? I'm caring.
I'm generous.
I'm sensual.
Is it real so horrible that i could possibly go out and find happiness? Good luck,michael.
I hope y find what you're looking fo - maybe you're right.
Who are we to-- - shut up,oscar.
What is wronwith all of you? He is sleeping wh my mother! I don't think there's a whole lot of sleeping going on.
Let's get back to the matr at hand.
You know.
Sleep with my mom,sleep with everybody's mom.
- No,no,no,no.
- Wh,that's my mom you're talng about.
I don't like the tone here.
Th is a place of business.
You are to listen to others,you are to give others respect, and you are to keep your personal issues out of it.
Oh,my god,you are ridiculous! Do not talk to me that way! I am your boss,and i may someday be your father,so t out.
You are never gonna bealy father.
You geout.
I hope that you are willing to die in this oice,because i am.
Me too.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Pam,how's your day going? Pam,just for the record,i thk you're overreacting a little bit.
Your mom's old enough to make her own decisis.
I was just wondering,how would you feel if michael was sleeping with your mom? My mother' in a whechair.
Well,he could still i'm sorry about that.
Oh,couli just get you to sign this second page as well? Ryan,have to ask you a personal question.
Do you think that i should get a fedora? Uh,i don't think so,no.
Why? I think i'd look really hot in one.
Where'd you get your fedora? I'd rather not say.
You thk i'm gonna get the same fedora as you? Hey,dwight.
- I think i would look really cute - it has to go with the peona that you aeady have.
But i i think i have that persona.
Where did you get that mallard? - What the hell is a mallard? - That! Oh,professor damon d.
Jim gave him to me.
Okay,i gave tha to him as a gift.
I'm taking that back.
If you take it bk i'll scrm.
- I'll give you five bucks for it.
- 20.
- ten.
- Deal.
Yore so cool.
Ob this reminds me,you owe three bucks for gas.
- Hey,toby,could talk to you for a minute? - Yeah,sure.
What's up? Um,i just wanted to apologize for taking that tone with you earlier.
That was uncled for.
I'm sorry.
Uh,yeah,that means a lot thank you for saying it.
- Can i sit wn for a second? - Yeah,pull up a chair and sit.
Or on the shredder.
This is gonna sound weird, but i think i may be the victim of a htile work environment with this whole pam situation.
Should probably deal with that outside of the workplace.
She brought it into the worlace,so i feel like it has to be dealt with here.
Okay,well,i mean,i could talk to her.
- Really? Would you do that? - Ll,yeah.
That's why--that's why they pay me the big bucks.
You're a good,good guy.
You know,i always knew if michael just took the time to get to know m we'd bece friends.
Could i talk to you for a sec? Sure.
What up? Well,i was hoping that maybe in light of everything that's happened day it'd be a good idea for you and and michael to head into the conferenc for so conflict resolution.
What's the matter,can't fight your own battl? No.
That's i think you should just take the rest of the day off.
Oh,would that make you feebetter? I dot--i'm-- i cat hear your convertion.
You can tell michael that i'm not lving.
- Buddy,i think that we can't make her leave,so - yeah,yeah,you're-- okay,you're a jackass.
Hey,yoknow what? Ur just as stubbn as your mother.
When you don't want to do something, you just don't do i michael,you'reust her rebound! You were rht,jim,i should've listened to you.
Should never have told her.
What? You knew? Barely.
I i don't have all the facts.
Frank and beans okay.
Do you want me to stop dating your mom? Is that how we're gonna get past thi 'cause iill.
Mmm yes.
Well,that is not gonna happen! Then why'd you evenffer? Because i assumed that you wt me to be happy because i want you be happy.
Michael,let me make this very easy for you.
I could give a about your happiss! Stop dating mother! You know what? I'm gonna start dating her even harder.
- What's that supposed to mean? - You knowhat it means.
***** I don'need to be friends with pam.
I ha plenty of female friends.
My mom,pam's mo my aunt-- although she just blocked me on i.
What's her face fr quiznos.
I see her fourimes a week.
Dwight,u brought the mallard back.
- Well,i had .
I mean,kelly was not-- - hi,buddy.
- I'm sorry.
- A oden duck? Mallard.
I put it in your office in order to surveil you.
I was jealous that you got the promotion ov me.
Okay,just to be clear,you're terrible at this, and you're not equipped for espionage.
- Oh,i'm equipped.
I can es-- - nope.
Don't tell michael.
I won't,but you will wash and bufour car.
Punishment fits the crime.
I accept.
Good night,everyone.
Good night,pam.
Thks again for the rum.
- Night,michael.
- Good night,erin.
Hey,pam,can i see you for a second? So dwight heard you were having a really rough day, so he geneusly offered to wash our car.
- Aww,he did that for me? - Yes.
He did.
You know what was nice? Night swimming in o bay.
Remember that older coupl whose kids were also named jim and pam? Yeah oh.
Say mo nice things.
- Well,we went on a segway tour.
And we're awesome at it.
- Yes,we are.
And frank and beans.
- Maybe i'm overreacting.
- Yeah.
- But i don't think i am.
- You're not.
- ***** - **** ****** ******* ******** ********* ********** *********** ******