The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Chump

Please don't throw these out.
See them all over the office.
Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere, Like he owns the place.
The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap.
But I figured I'd rather live with ants Than with his creepy little disk.
The second time I thought it was one of those, You know, the things you turn over, and it moos, Like a cow thing.
But upon closer examination, It was another ant trap, so I threw it away.
And the third time I did it out of spite.
- Pfffttt! - Come on, michael.
You're interrupting.
You're kidding me? God! You say radon is silent but deadly, And then you expect me Not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this? - Please sit down.
You know, we're not gonna die of radon.
We're gonna die of boredom.
Yeah! Right? And if I had a gun with two bullets And I was in a room with hitler, bin laden, and toby, I would shoot toby twice.
- No.
- No! - That's not - Okay.
You were being really funny, and then you went too far.
I would kill bin laden and then toby.
- No, that's still - Mm-mm.
Okay, geniuses, how would you do it? Curve the bullet Like in my favorite james mcavoy film, wanted.
All that does is help you shoot around things.
Is there a curtain rod in the room? - I don't know.
- How about make believe land Has anything you want? Stanley, please.
This is serious! Is this the thing where they use an icicle So there's no evidence? Yes.
We stab toby through the heart with an icicle.
Come on.
The whole two bullet thing is a red herring.
Here's how you do it.
You line them all up, you take one bullet, Shoot them all through the throat at the same time.
Watch this.
Phyllis, you're hitler.
Come up here.
Toby, you're toby.
Andy, you're bin laden.
Line up.
I don't wanna do this.
Throats together.
toby, just do it! - Toby, come on.
- God! Ready? One bullet.
AndBoom! Puuuhhh! Puuuhh! - Yeah, that works.
- That works.
Good work.
What flavors did you get? It's so exciting, pam.
The eagles are doing a theme of ice creams In honor of turning 60.
"despera-dough.
Witchy-womanilla.
" Why do they do this? Do you want me to go back to the store? No, no, no, it's fine.
I was just commenting.
We gotta get these out, open 'em up.
This is all for michael.
Turns out his girlfriend was married.
Yeah.
And when michael gets a broken heart, This whole place comes to a halt, So we're just trying to get out in front of this.
After his last breakup, He ate 40,000 calories in three hours.
Right, pam? That's what pam told me.
Yeah.
Or no--well-- I don't know.
I'm sorry.
I was up all night with cece, Otherwise I'd be running this.
That's okay.
You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late, though.
We have mr.
Bean playing in the conference room And the pink panther movie in his office With half-hour shifts to watch with him.
And we need bodies in both these rooms, people, So please sign up.
- He's coming.
- Oh.
Okay.
Everyone, remember, when he gets like this, He will wallow if you empathize.
Keep conversations light And if you get stuck and you don't know what to do, Make a random sound effect, okay? Farting noise, whatever.
Okay.
- Hey, everyone.
- No, toby! - No! Out! - Get out right now! - Leave now.
- Leave.
Get outta here.
- Please! - Right now.
Oh, and if he makes a joke, Just laugh it up, no matter what.
Okay? Morning, everyone.
Hey! - Hey! - Hey.
Hello.
- Michael.
Nice tie or something.
Oh, thank you.
It's reversible, I think.
- That's hilarious.
- That's awesome.
You want some ice cream? Oh--oh, wow! Are those eagles' flavors? Cake it to the limit.
That's my favorite.
I love that.
Too much for me to have by myself.
Anybody wanna share? Boi-oi-oi-oing! Okay.
WellThat's random.
I will dig into those later.
I don't follow this exactly.
Uh, "the descendants of any replicants from this union Shall have"-- Joint custody.
Are we talking about your grandchildren? - No.
- No.
Rather than spend all day in court, We've decided to settle our dispute Using a mediator.
It was an option spelled out In our child-rearing contract and - Alleged contract.
- Alleged? I'm going to own your farm by the time this is over.
Pff.
Yeah, just try.
I will do legal jujitsu on you.
- Oh, yeah-- - gaah! See? Don't even need to make contact.
The law will do it.
So much of this is just impossible to verify.
Item five, point "b"-- uh, the beet juice cleanse.
I'm doing it.
You know I am.
It's disgusting! How do we know this? I'd like to see a stool sample.
Dwight, look at my teeth.
Eh.
No secret crying.
Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there.
Could he still be seeing her? I don't think he'd do that.
So we're gonna say the most likely scenario Is that michael matured overnight? Well, it happened to tom hanks in big.
Exactly.
It happened in big.
No, I gotta go.
Text me later.
I'm really too tired to do this.
- Me too! - Then let's just not do this! Do you have any idea the risks involved? - Hey, michael.
- Hey.
We were wondering if you'd like to have Dinner with us tonight in our home And play with our baby.
We could order in from hooters.
Oh, hooters to go.
Nice.
We can watch a movie.
And play rock band.
- Billy joel rock band.
- ThatExists? Yes.
Okay, well, I'll have to take a rain check, But thanks for the offer.
Michael scott, are you still seeing donna? Okay, pam She's not invisible, so stop asking silly questions.
Oh, michael.
Since when is this an office Where we delve into each other's personal lives? I like donna.
Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask.
I mean, if you ask her husband Or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.
That is something I would never do.
Well, I think we all know What you're capable of, meredith.
Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, Or been used to cheat with.
I askEveryone in the room, "are you in a relationship?" People, this is scranton, And many people consider that to be The paris of northeastern pennsylvania.
And in paris, It is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers.
Uhh! Ryan, I do not want you Hanging out with michael anymore.
Okay.
Okay, I will have you know that I asked donna about this, And she is fine with it, And just to be sure, I asked her again afterward.
Same answer.
- How does he feel about it? He is never gonna find out.
He is a high school baseball coach.
He wakes up early.
He goes to bed early.
Look at how long it took for him to find out.
It was right under his nose.
I had to tell him! Now you're just being hurtful.
I'm sorry, it-- why is it okay For stanley to cheat or for phyllis to cheat - Hey-- - onHer diet? He's a sports guy.
He's scummy.
Dogfighting, drugs.
They spit.
Did donna tell you that? Real sports with bryant gumbel.
So you're just making a giant assumption.
You don't even know the guy.
You know what? You know what? I am declaring a moment of silence right now.
Ten minutes of silence honoring michael jackson.
Just sit there and think about michael jackson.
My name is andy bernard, and I'm a cuckold.
For those of you unfamiliar with william shakespeare, A cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him.
I've lived the part.
And let me tell you, I would so much rather Play the part on stage.
SoHere's the thing about infidelity.
Mm, no, no.
When are you people going to stop casting The first stone? I am not in the wrong here.
I am the good guy.
How does that work? Do you think this husband is a super sweet nice guy? Do you think he's an angel? I don't think so.
Why is his wife going off And having a little something-something with me? There has to be a problem with him.
In any cheating movie, The person getting cheated on is the hero.
You're ali larter.
I'm beyonce.
I am beyonce always.
- Not this time.
- Yes, I am.
This guy's a high school baseball coach, right? Let's go check him out, See what a horrible person he is.
- I would love that.
- Yeah.
Those teams have games and practices every day.
Let's go check it out.
I have work to do.
Oh, really? I thought you were the boss.
Let's go.
I can't wait to see this jerk Who is making me cheat on his wife.
Should punch him in the nose For what he's making me do to her.
* bum bum bum bum * * bum bum bum bum * * bum bum bum bum * - all right, andy, please.
- Baseball! - Shh! Try not to draw attention, please.
That's him.
That's him.
- Where? - Right there.
The coach! Stage right or stage left? I played batboy in damn yankees! Right there.
Look, look.
Follow my finger.
Okay? See? The grownup by the base? and now, coaching third base With two arms, two legs, and no heart.
Capable of feeling pain.
All right.
Can you just-- Can you just act normal for a second, please? Whatever.
I'm the one blending in.
Guys? - Pam.
- Mm.
Hey.
Oh, hi, gabe.
Can you two please join me in my office? Now.
You were supposed to be the lookout.
Yeah.
Well, it's really warm in here.
It's like a sleeping bag.
I don't wanna be the heavy here, But honestly, guys, this makes us all look bad.
- Sorry about that.
- So embarrassing.
Good.
Okay.
End of the dressing down.
I just hate that part of the job, you know, The power dynamics.
Well, you were surprisingly restrained.
We will be well-rested tomorrow.
Okay.
That's great, actually, Because I wanted to talk to you about something else.
Excellent.
Go for it.
I'm sure you got my email about the printer fires.
The one with the branching decision tree? I actually designed that chart.
Kinda hoping it catches on.
Anyway, the question is, What is the best way To disseminate important information in an efficient way? Right? So, uh, let's, uh Finally there's a provision here In the occurrence that the child is born an old man, A la benjamin button.
- Same page.
- Same page.
Go to the next one.
Just keep moving.
Despite the provision covering Whether this is all part of the matrix-- Which we can't know.
- This is essentially - Unless we're unplugged.
Equivalent to a donor or surrogate contractor.
And wake up in the future.
Which is actually pretty common.
So I have to tell you that this is a solid contract.
What? Look, I can't enforce That anybody have a child with anyone else.
- What? - So essentially, This comes down to damages.
Now, there is some precedence for the range of $30,000.
What? I don't have $30, I have it buried very deeply, And I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it.
Chase dixon is up.
Could be a big play.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
I know it's like cricket.
- You don't.
No, no.
- And it's--there's-- Well, home plate is like a wicket.
- You don't know.
You don't- - you don't know anything.
Look at him.
Look at him over there.
High-fiving? He didn't even do anything.
Kid did all the work.
I bet he does that at home.
I bet it's like, "hey, donna, why don't you wash the dishes? "high-five, donna.
"hey, why don't you bring me my slippers? High-five.
I'm taking all the credit.
" Seems pretty well liked by the team.
Okay, well, that's because he's paying their salary.
You do know that high school coaches Don't pay their players.
I know, I know, I know.
It--I'm--it- that was a euphemism.
$30,000? There's gotta be another way.
He has a 60-acre beet farm that is worth a small fortune.
Look, I will not pay.
Well, I have an alternative.
"intercourse to completion.
Five individual times rendered at my discretion"? Look, I don't think that's actually legal.
Agreed.
Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee.
Better than most horses.
But not in your bed.
It's lumpy.
Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names, And those names are ember, milky way, diane, and lumpy.
Fine.
Five times.
Look, I can't legally watch this unfold.
It's coming a little dangerously close to prostitution.
- I want eye contact.
- No.
- Yes.
- Do you understand How rare that is in nature? I'm not some farm animal.
Great game, coach.
Shh! Okay, all right.
Don't--don't-- You guys are awesome! Best game I've ever seen in my life.
Yeah, right.
You must be rootin' for the other guys.
Ha.
The other guys can go die.
- okay.
- Baseball! Go talk to him.
- No.
God.
You go talk to him.
- Let's go.
- Shane.
Great game, man.
Do I know you? No.
Uh, just big fans.
Both of us.
Are somebody'sParents? Oh, are you guys Kenny's dads? Ha.
No.
No.
But we're gay for baseball.
- Okay.
- But I have a wife, actually, Who I really love a lot.
- Okay.
Yeah.
I am so into the institution of marriage.
Whoa! I mean, isn't marriage the best, you know? Two good people finding each other, Getting all committed to each other.
So you love baseball.
What else do you love? Let's round you out as a person.
Hey, I'm really sorry, I'm just trying to Focus here on the game.
I get it, man.
I love it.
That's what makes you a good coach.
You know, but as a fan, it just helps me Enjoy the game better if I know the coach loves his wife.
Of course.
Okay? I gotta Get back to this.
- Of course.
- All right.
But real quick, I want you to meet my associate.
Sheldon! - No, no, no.
- Come on, get over here.
- I'm good.
Oh, my god.
- Get over here.
Sheldon, say hi to the nice coach.
Sorry.
I got some stomach cramps.
It's all right, all right, just keep it going! Well, that was not at all what I expected.
Hoo hoo! Whoo.
My heart's still racing.
I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand.
All the time I was thinking, "I'm sleeping with your wife.
" And you know who does that? James freakin' bond.
Okay, orange slices.
There ya go.
- Thanks, michael.
Don't thank me.
Thank dylan's mom.
Here you go! Oh! Ooh hoo hoo hoo hoo! Why would you throw something wet at me? You love it.
There ya go.
Now, were those for the team? Uh, no, they didn't say team.
They just said coal hawks.
- Ah.
- I don't think those Were yours to take.
Well, then it wouldn't be the first time I stole something away from coach shane.
I just wanna go on record as saying That I do not condone this affair, And I even went so far As to force michael to confront the victim of his behavior.
- Did you talk to him? - I did.
You talked to the man Whose wife you're having an affair with.
- Wow.
That is crazy.
- Was there a fistfight? No.
We just talked.
He's very nice.
And it didn't change your mind.
- It did not.
- Michael, that's awful.
- Isn't it? - Yes.
- I'm awful, aren't I? - Yeah.
That's pretty bad.
I'm an awful guy! Ooh! How can you live with yourself? I am what I am, oscar.
And I want what I want.
And right now, I want a piece of cake.
From now on, when I'm hungry, I am going to eat whatever I am hungry for.
That is a dangerous game, friendo.
Well, because I thought that it was a book About anthropology the store.
I don't know why you were in that part of the bookstore.
'cause it's next to the baby section, okay? All right, that makes more sense.
You should have said that at the beginning When you said, " I read a book about anthropology.
" I don't really know why you're screaming at me right now.
- I'm not scream- - I'm not screaming.
That's meredith's cake.
It's her birthday.
I don't care.
I have an appetite for life! Mmm.
Mmm! Oh, god.
That's lemon.
Good for you, man.
Good for you.
He takes what he wants.
You know what? I think you're attractive, and I wanna sleep with you.
What about kelly? You read my mind.
is this a joke? Yep.
It's hard to live that way, man.
You gotta really not care what people think about you.
I-I don't know how you do it, michael, I-I-I can't be that cold.
You'll learn, baby.
You'll learn.
I am an honorable man, and I will honor the contract.
But I don't have to give her the good stuff.
Schrute sperm are strong, But they're no match for a grown schrute man.
let's see what she gets.
aah! Uh, boss, we're out of paper.
- Yeah, I noticed that.
- Are you gonna add any more? Nope.
He don't give an "f" about nothin'! I have got big balls.
I don't think I'm gonna make it.
what about an energy drink or something? It gets in the breast milk.
If I drink it, cece drinks it six hours later.
Well, it doesn't mean I can't drink it.
Well, it does and it doesn't.
Probably shouldn't tell you this, But a lotta guys in the warehouse Work multiple jobs, so We have a place.
- A place? - A restful location.
Talk to glen.
He'll take you up in the lift.
You sleep in the warehouse? Lightbulb's burnt out, so it's dark.
And the heat from the backup generator Keeps it nice and warm.
Sometimes I think about it When I'm trying to fall asleep at home.
But as far as the rest of the office goes, It doesn't exist, okay? - Okay.
- Pam.
Okay.
- For your signature.
- Okay.
Phyllis.
Okay.
Look at me.
Phyllis, look at-- Okay, that's All right, all right.
You know what? I'm sick of this.
I'm sick of the little disapproving head shakes.
If you think that's going to have any effect on me, It will not.
I am going to leave right now And go to a motel to meet donna.
Why not your condo? Because a motel is dirty and it is sexy.
Like me.
And like donna.
And frankly, the stuff that we're into Isn't very condo-appropriate.
Oh, michael, will you drop it? Everybody's spoken their mind, And no one's changing their mind.
Okay, morgan freeman-narrating-everything.
Do you want someone to stop you? 'cause no one's going to.
Nobody better try to stop me.
Good.
I could have stopped him.
- Are you warmed up? - No.
God, angela, why is that always my responsibility? What did you do to yourself? Never mind.
Just never mind.
- Well, it better work.
- Oh, it'll work.
Mm.
Stop kissing me.
It's not in the contract.
How do I feel about breaking up with donna? Good.
Moral.
I feel proud.
like a grownup.
That was not easy because I really liked her a lot.
And I'm a little bit emotional right now Because I know that I absolutely Made the right decision.
At the end of the day, we have to do what's right.
And it was either living with myself OrBeing happy.
And I picked The Former.
- Michael scott? - Yes? Do you wanna make a comment on the rumors? um I have done some very bad things,