The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Nepotism

- no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no nobody can do shing-a-ling like I do nobody can do the skate like I do nobody can to the boogaloo like I do nobody can do the Philly like I do well, don't you know I'm gonna skate, I do it ain't nobody do it but me nobody but me - You're falling behind.
- well, I'm gonna Philly I do it ain't nobody do it but me, babe nobody but me - Wuphf.
- Ryan, we're doing - This is how you build a business.
let me tell you nobody nobody nobody, nobody nobody, nobody nobody, nobody nobody, nobody nobody, nobody nobody, nobody nobody, nobody - You got creed.
- You make it so hard to love you sometimes.
- You're behind.
- I said I didn't want to be on the Internet! - Go, go, go, go! - no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no nobody can do Streamers! - like I do - Dwight! - nobody, nobody nobody, nobody nobody, nobody nobody, nobody nobody, nobody nobody, nobody - Toby, how did we do? - Well, that was better.
- Whoo! We did it! Yes! - I suppose summer had to end sometime.
It's sad, though, because I had a great summer.
I got West Nile virus.
Lost a ton of weight.
Then I went back to the Lake.
I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, Which hurt.
That got infected, even though I peed on it.
- Saw inception.
Or at least I dreamt I did.
- Broccoli Rob, obviously, Will be there.
- Yes, of course.
- And j.
We call him Blorville Because he looks like a black Orville Redenbacher.
- Who's the guy who invented the peanut? - Hey, guys.
- Hey! - Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.
- Not at all.
- I'm gonna head back To Siberia there.
- Aw.
- Ciao.
I started dating Erin this summer.
It has been, in a word, exquisite.
- Gabe is awesome.
He has accomplished so much career-wise and height-wise.
Thank God he's my boss because I would not have said yes to a first date If I didn't have to.
ButIt's been great.
- Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend Over the summer? No.
I've been through anger management, okay? So right now I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, Gazing out across the whitecaps.
Oh, look, it's a humpback whale.
How pretty.
He's eating Gabe.
- Hey.
What are you doing? - From now on, if you're hot, sit on an ice pack.
- Well, what if you're cold? - Pbbbt! Like you'd ever be cold, Kevin.
Stop asking me hypothetical questions.
I'm too busy.
- Hey, Dwight, I don't know if you heard, But we're supposed to be drinking out of weird backpacks Instead of cups, like regular people.
Oh, you did hear.
- Jim, you have one job to do, And you do it forgettably.
Those of us who are busy require hands-free hydration.
Dwight Schrute, star salesman, beet farmer.
Bed and breakfast proprietor.
Aspiring freelance bodyguard.
Add to that list owner of this building.
Then burn the list.
- This summer I did the minority Executive training program at Yale.
You guys, I'm, like, really smart now.
You don't even know.
You could ask me, "Kelly, what's the biggest company in the world?" And I'd be, like, "blah blah blah, Blah blah blah blah blah blah," Giving you the exact right answer.
- Coffee monkey's arrived.
- The coffee was supposed to be here at 9:00.
- Here you go, big "o.
" Tiny Darryl Hannah.
- It says "decaf.
" you get me decaf? - Ooh, yeah.
Must have been some sort of mix-up there.
You could just drink it, Or should I drive all the way back? - Well, summer, I, um, Blew out my knee playing softball.
Ended up watching CNN most of the time.
I don't know how we're gonna get out of Afghanistan.
- The new guy sucks.
Calls me "the nard man.
" I'm the "nard dog," okay? Nard man is my father.
- My name is Luke Cooper.
I love cinema.
My favorite movies are citizen Kane And the boondock saints.
- That kid is the worst.
Needs to be fired, Michael.
- He's not the worst.
Okay? He's not the worst.
You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago.
That guy remember? Eehhhhh! That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst.
Good worker, though.
Mm aw, it's not cappuccino.
- He messed yours up to.
- He's got to go, Mike.
- It's just coffee, guys.
But yeah, I'll look into it, okay? - Wow, that's a lot of keys.
- The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man.
- That's right.
The janitor said that.
By the way, the raccoons are back.
- Where? - I think they run through these panels And then down under the map.
I wouldn't know for sure 'cause I don't have a trained ear.
That's why I have to use one of these.
- Gimme that.
- Yep.
And this.
- Yes.
- Go get 'em.
What happened to me this summer? Dwight bought the building, so actually, this has been The busiest summer of my life.
- Hey, what's so funny over here? Ha, very nice.
Give me my keys.
NotFunnyJim! - Sorry.
- Oh, no.
Don't worry about it.
I'm just gonna put a couple keys on every day Until Christmas.
Then his pants would have fallen down, which was A little gift to me, but - It was really funny.
- Well, it would have been.
So unprofessional, Mrs.
- I love you.
- Luke Luke! - What's up, Venus? - Did you send those samples to Justin At Lehigh motors yesterday? Because he didn't get 'em.
- Uh, if you asked me to do it, I'm sure I did it.
Yeah, strawberries are ripe.
- Hey Turn off the chumbawamba and scram, twerp.
- You don't have to yell.
- Okay, rude.
Luke I want you to go to the supermarket for me.
- What for? - To get some ice cream for everybody.
It's national ice cream afternoon.
And another thing I did this summer.
I hired my nephew.
- Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me.
Because his mother, Who also happens to be my half sister Kind of cut me off from that side of the family The last time I saw Luke Was the opening day of ace Ventura II, And that was '95.
So, yes, 15 years on the dot.
Anyway, I lost him in a forest.
Don't bother Luke.
- Why is there a circle with a line through it? - That means don't.
Haven't you seen ghostbusters, Pam? - Yeah, but it's like you're saying we should bother Luke.
- No, it Yes, okay.
All right, yep.
My bad.
I got it.
Here we go.
- Don't don't bother Luke.
Got it.
Come on.
Um That's as clear as I can make it.
- Hey, why can't we bother Luke? He deserves it.
- Because I don't want it getting back to sabre That we're yelling at assistants.
I think it would reflect poorly on us.
- Who's gonna tell on us? Gabe? - That'd be hilarious.
Uh, "Joe, they're creating a hostile work environment.
Stop 'em.
" - Nope, it won't be Gabe, But actually, there is somebody in the office Who is very, very close to Luke.
- How close? - Well, Dwight, he wiped his butt.
Is that close enough for you? - Yes.
Of course.
- Guys, I think Michael and Luke are related.
- No.
No, Toby.
He's not.
Yes, he is.
He's my nephew.
- What? - Ohh! - Luke is my nephew.
- Michael, that's nepotism.
Luke is getting special treatment Because he's your nephew.
- Yes, exactly.
That is a very nice way of putting it, Oscar.
Mixing family and business is a beautiful thing.
- What's wrong with a level playing field? - Do think they should have had open auditions For the band Hanson? What if no one named Hanson showed up? That wouldn't even make sense.
Or what if they just hired the littlest kid And a 50-year-old guy who was a murderer? Really safe.
- Oh, man, so many points being made.
- I couldn't care less about nepotism.
But I'm loving the debate.
Great minds battling it out.
And I've got a front row seat.
- God, when he needed help on earth, Who did he hire? Jesus Christ, his son.
- That's a really tight argument.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- But you're comparing you and Luke to God and Jesus.
- No! No.
I'm just saying, why does God Get to do something that I don't? - This is hypothetical.
We're talking about Luke, who happens to be terrible.
- Well, then, why aren't you bugging me To fire everybody who's bad? You just want me to fire Luke.
That's reverse nepotism.
He should not be punished because he is related to me And bad at what he does! - I would just like to say something Off of what Darryl said about the level playing field.
That is actually a zoning issue.
So thank you.
- If there's nothing wrong with this, Michael, Why have you been keeping it a secret? - Because I wanted you to come to me and say, "wow, he is so great.
" And I was gonna say, "well, it's in the genes.
" And I was actually gonna be wearing jeans.
And I'd point to them right? No.
But you ruined it.
SoThank you very much.
Here he comes.
Guys, look.
I don't want you to treat him Like anyone else in the office.
I just want you to treat him like my nephew.
Hey, there he is! - Hey! Ice cream afternoon! - Whoo Whoo Whoo! - Whoo! - Wait Soy ice cream? Did you get real ice cream? - Or enough for everyone? - No, man.
There was no list.
UhBut I got bagel chips.
- Ah, my favorite part of an ice cream party.
The bagel chips.
- Clutch cream run, bro.
- Get whatever you want.
On me.
- You really think you can make it up to me with food? - I don't know.
That usually works.
I feel horrible for blowing Jim's prank.
I don't know if you can tell, but he's mildly upset.
And Dwight hasn't been messed with in a while, So he's become a monster.
I need to make this right.
- I came down here to feed the feral cats Like I usually do, And I found something unsavory In the back of your nephew's car.
- Okay, you know what? Just just back off.
Back off! - Well, take a look.
It's all the packages he was supposed to overnight.
He never bothered to send them.
- All right, those might be his.
He might own an ebay store.
- Yep.
That's exactly what my first thought was.
And then I remembered having a conversation with him Where he was like, "I don't own an ebay store.
" So - Okay, okay.
You know what? This is disgusting.
This is like a witch hunt.
This is like the Blair witch hunt project.
- Oh, sure, those are the expense reports That corporate was waiting for yesterday.
- Let's just make this kid open this damn car.
- Oh, my gosh, those are the pants He wanted to return to talbots.
- I'm reconsidering sending him back anyway.
- You get that kid to open this car, Or I'm gonna do it myself by calling AAA.
- Wait a minute.
- I'm in! - Don't all right.
Well, okay.
You've just committed a felony.
- Yep, here they are.
- Yep, I just lost a client 'cause I swore I sent these samples on time.
- This kid's costing us sales, Michael.
- I'm sorry, do you want to try them on again to see - No, I know they fit.
It's not about the fit.
- Why is this my problem, Michael? - Because Gabe tattled.
I was perfectly happy To just hide it from you.
- Those overnight packages needed to go out, And Michael refuses to hold the guilty party accountable.
- Lower yourself, Gabe.
I don't wanna be having a conversation with your crotch.
Okay, now educate me why you won't fire the boy.
- You don't have all the facts.
- Which are? - I love him.
- Oh, God.
How far has it gone? - No.
He's my nephew.
- Well, I got a nephew too.
But he don't work for me.
You know why? 'cause he's a screw-up.
He can swim in my pool, but he can't come in my house.
- Well, this office is my pool.
And my house is my house.
And I just want my nephew to work In my pool.
- If you keep him, Michael, I'm gonna hold you accountable for him.
You're on the hook for this kid.
You got that? - Mm-hmm.
- Cover his ass like tidy whities.
- I will cover his ass like moss on Mississippi tree stump.
- Was how I put it on clear enough? I mean, you had to go and make up your own saying? Deal with it, boys.
- Luke and I have been working side by side As master and commander.
Me as master, he as commander.
Occasionally, he'll need a little push.
And I will do that, and he'll slow down, And then I'll push him again.
That's the thing with kids.
You have to keep pushing.
You have to push them until they push you back.
And then you push some more.
It's all about give and take, But mostly it's about pushing each other.
- Oh, yeah.
This will be easy.
So just, like, rearrange the buttons and stuff.
- Yeah, yeah.
Like when he presses "door closed," The doors open.
Or he presses "lobby," it goes to third floor.
Stuff like that.
Can you do that? - Yeah.
Let me take a look at the circus board.
- Dwight is about to get so pammed.
- Hey, did you sms text message me? - Yeah, I wanted to show you something in the lobby.
Uh, come on.
- Okay, that's weird.
- Hmm.
- Just hitting "door closed.
" what? - There we go.
- Well - Uh - is this elevator going up? - Mm-hmm.
- HeyThe elevator is disobeying us! Ohh-Kay.
We are stuck.
We are stuck.
- Um - Hank! Hank! Can you hear us? Oh, my God.
Emergency protocol.
- Oh - Just calm down.
- Pam, try and pry open those front doors, immediately.
- I don't - use your talons! Pry 'em open! Okay, DWI oh, my God! - Well, don't look, freak! - Dwight, what are you doing?! - Well - We've only been in here for, like, two seconds! - I got 56 ounces of fluid in my bladder! And we have to establish a pee corner.
- You've gotta be kidding me.
- Luke, is going to use his laser pointer To point to account setup.
You click on that first, Then a whole new not no, no, no.
Luke, come on.
Come on.
Not on Oscar's head.
- Tsh.
- All right.
Luke, come on.
Stop it.
- What? I'm stopping it.
That's what you said.
- Give me the pointer.
- So you just want me to move it.
You're being totally unclear here.
I'm just gonna go ahead and move it.
- No, just power it down.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not on Angela's boob.
Come on.
Come on.
Luke, seriously.
- All right, fine, fine.
I'll just go.
- Okay.
- I'm gone.
- All right.
Good job.
Okay, email accounts.
So we're starting with account setup.
- Oh, my God, is it in my eyeball? - Yes.
- I think he's burning my eye.
- Michael, do something.
- Sack up, man.
- Okay, can I have that? - No.
- Okay, I am going to count down from five.
Five Four.
- I'm not kidding.
- Give okay.
- All right, give it up.
- No! YouAre going to learn to be more professional, Luke! - What the - That's what you're going to do, Luke! - Aah! What the hell was that? - I had to do that.
- Hey, fuck this! Screw it! - All right.
Are we good? - You're okay.
He's okay.
There are many different schools of thought On capital punishment.
- That was awesome.
- Texas justice.
- Yeah, your nephew is so lame.
- He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter.
Yeah, it's funny stuff, but mean.
- You follow him on Twitter? - Everywhere I look, it's Betty white this And Betty white that.
Finally, a kid who's not talking about Betty white.
Of course I follow him.
- Michael You just physically assaulted an employee.
Can we talk in private? Yes, of course.
What is this in reference to? - Pam? - Oh, hey, Jim.
Some prankster switched the elevator buttons on Dwight.
- I did not do this.
- I know.
Yeah, and it was going really great at first.
I got video.
- This is impressive.
- Well, you know They don't call me The Bart Simpson of Scranton for nothing.
- Do they call you that? - They do call me that.
- Come on, give me your hand.
I'll help you down.
- Nope.
Scared of getting cut in half.
Also, there's pee on the floor.
- Oh! Course there is.
Hey, Chinese tonight? - Yeah.
- Great.
- How ya doin'? - Pretty good.
You must be almost out of water.
- Stop drinking the water! Stop! - Yeah.
- Oh! - You - No, no, no, no.
It's the other hand, right hand.
- Right hand? - Yeah.
- Would have been nice to work with my family.
It would have been nice If Luke had been able to stay here.
But he couldn't.
These things seldom work out.
I don't know how Ringling brothers do it.
Night after night, town after town, All across America.
You would think they'd be sick of each other by now.
But, clearly, They make it work.
And my hat's off to them.
- Argh! - Whoa! Whoa! Hey.
- You - hey - Dwight - Dwight - Stop! - Legal says the best way to protect us from a lawsuit Is to call this a stress-induced outburst.
- You will have to undergo six sessions of counseling.
- That's it? Really? That's nothing.
All right.
That's highway robbery.
Well, thats the spirit.
I can do that.
And you will do your counseling right here because Okay.
Wait, what? Yeah, I'm really looking forward to work with you, Michael.
Is there another option? Don't try to do this termination.