The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Counseling

Late every day this week.
We signed Ceecee for the staycare, it's on the other side of town.
The traffic - Why didn't I think of this before? Did you know that there is a daycare center Opening right here in this building? Is there really? Now that I own the building, I'm looking for new sources of revenue.
And a daycare center? Well, I guess it's not an evil idea, It's just a regular idea, but there's no Good laugh for a regular idea.
Welcome to the sesame Avenue daycare center For infants and toddlers.
You remember my cousin Mose? Welcome, children.
- Were you painting in the dark? - Wait, is this your place, Dwight? - Oh, no, no, I like to think of it as the kids' place.
Would you like a tour? - I don't think we really need Oh, let's take the tour, Pam.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
Here is the language skills And cognitive development area.
These are English, uh, letters.
I see you found our magical toy box, Jim.
- These are actually forks and knives from the break room.
- Jim, to you and me, maybe.
But, come on.
To a child's imagination that's mister fork, And lieutenant knife, and miss fork.
And a soy sauce packet.
That shouldn't have been in there.
I'm embarrassed.
Don't beat yourself up.
- We come fully equipped with a restroom, Feeding trough, play bucket, And room for a plant, in success.
- Who will be watching the children? - No one.
The door locks from the outside.
Escape is impossible.
Prove it.
- WhatNo.
- We're gonna head outside.
Just give it a whirl.
I just wanna see how it works.
- Oh, no, no, no I - but I'll tell you this.
If this works out, I think we're looking real good.
- I promise you, that door locks.
- What's something you did that This is the worst! You are the worst.
I hate looking at your face.
I wanna smash it! Okay, you know what? I made a mistake.
I committed corporate punishment.
My bad.
It's over, it's done.
But, my punishment is, um, Worse than hell.
- Michael's been assigned six hours of mandatory counseling With a trained professional.
I actually have a degree in social work.
I mean, I know a lot of people Would just ask a few standard questions And tick off a few boxes, But I've got a chance to do some good here.
I know what you wanna ask me.
"did your mom ever see you naked?" - We can do this with more privacy.
So you can molest me? Oh, okay.
I don't think so.
We're gonna leave the blinds open, So everybody can see What a big failure you are.
That's the key.
Boycott the steamtown mall! Everyone, you heard me.
Cancel all your business with the steamtown mall! - The mall itself, or the stores in the mall? All of it! The mall, the stores, the kiosks.
America's one big mall.
Did something happen, Dwight? - Yeah, something happened.
Oh, yeah.
Something happened, Jim.
Well, tell us what it is.
I mean, it might help to get some context So we can get on board.
You don't wanna know.
- I'd like you to imagine a place Where you feel very peaceful.
For me, it's the walk from the yogurt shop To my car, after I drop My daughter off on Sunday afternoons.
- I I'm glad Michael's getting help.
He has a lot of issues, and he's stupid.
Look, I'm not gonna tell you That we have lower prices.
Is price something that is important to you? Okay, well, let me know if anything changes.
Pam? I can't do this.
I don't have this sales gene or whatever it is.
Tell me everything's gonna be okay.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Tell me I'm good at sales.
- You're good you're good at sales.
- The unfair thing about working in sales Is that your salary is almost all commission.
So if you suck at sales, You make almost no money.
I guess that's fair.
- Dwight.
- What? - Did you call all my clients at the mall And cancel all my business While using the "f" word? Yes, I did.
And I'm gonna do the same with all of your clients.
No, you will not.
- Oh, yes, I will.
That mall is corrupt.
Okay, they're appearancist! - Okay, Dwight, we can't do that.
So why don't you just tell us what happened? - Yeah.
What happened, Dwight? Okay? - You guys know me, you know that I'm Not one for fancy things.
But there was this one thing.
It was in a fancy store, And it caught the corner of my eye When I took Mose down to the mall To get his blood pressure at the rite aid.
And I thought, you know, Maybe I deserve this.
You know, I had a great crop yield this fall.
So what happened? - I went to the store and I pressed the buzzer, And they looked right at me, and then they looked away.
And then I pressed the buzzer again, And they started taking pictures of me With their mobile phones.
I guess I'm not the kind of guy that's good enough For precious heirlooms.
You know what, Dwight? You need to go back there, and you need to Pretty woman their asses.
We should start our own mall.
Yeah! Wait, wait, wait.
Actually, that's a really good idea, Kelly.
What did I say? I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.
Dwight, how about this? Instead of a boycott, You and I, together, go down to that store And we teach those snobs a lesson.
No, you and IAnd I.
I'm gonna come with you.
- Okay.
- Good.
All right.
- Did you assume that I would automatically side With the rich, snobby shop owner? How about now? How about now? How about now? How about now? - Uh, what's your favorite flavor of - One hour.
- What? - One hour.
We've done one hour.
Let's just speed this up.
Okay, keep it moving.
I wanna do all six hours today.
- Okay, I can't count the hour if you don't talk.
No, no, noNo.
I know my rights, all I had to do Is sit here for six hours.
Do my time.
- Michael, it's up to me to check off the boxes, And I can't do that unless I honestly - Do you have any idea how angry that is making me? Tell me.
I think we might be about to maybe really get somewhere.
- Yes, I will.
I will talk all right.
Be careful what you wish for, Toby.
Apparently theres a famous Hollywood movie From the 1980s beautiful girl.
Pretty woman.
- Um, apparently - Pretty woman.
- It's one of the best revenge stories of all time, In which this sex worker, who is the protagonist That can't be right.
Andy, how does it - no, no, no.
- What? - I wanna hear you tell it.
- Okay, um, the sex worker is denied service At a fancy store because she does not look wealthy.
She later returns, dressed in all the trappings Of extravagant wealth, but instead of shopping - Julia Roberts goes in the store, and she's like, "I was in here yesterday, and you people wouldn't help me.
" And the shopgirl goes, "oh.
" And then Julia Roberts goes, "you girls work on commission, right?" And the girl's like, "yeah.
" And Julia Roberts goes "big mistake.
Huge.
" - I was telling I was telling that.
- How many paper supplies and ink cartridges to go with that? Okay, sure.
- Who can I speak to in this office About saving on window treatments? I don't know.
- Is one of you the office administrator? I.
I'm the office administrator! Can I show you a few samples? Uh, we're not interested.
We're not interested at all.
There are a few ways to get promoted.
One is to wait for an opening and apply for it.
That's the main way.
But this could work.
- Toby, can I really tell you anything? Of course.
Well, the other night, When I was sitting at the table, Eating my penis I mean peas.
That was weird.
- All right.
- That's weird.
I think it all stems From the fact that I was I was probed.
By an alien life force.
An a.
L.
F.
Alf.
You know, I might have actually Been probed by Alf.
You might think he's a puppet, You never see the lower half, But there's a lower half.
Office administrator.
So when did this happen? A few months ago.
I was talking to someone at corporate.
- Mm-hmm.
- Who isn't there anymore.
And I think the paperwork just got lost in the shuffle.
Can you believe that? - TypicalYeah, totally.
Well, congrats.
Thanks, yeah.
So I'm I'm just gonna take care of stuff around the office And get paid a reasonable salary.
We need that, right? - Totally, that's great.
- I get paid $40,000 a year.
- Great.
- Maybe $50,000.
- $50,000! No, not $50,000.
$41,000, I think.
- $41,000.
- $41,500.
That's great.
- Before me stands your coworker, Dwight Kurt Schrute.
Dwight, show them all sides, turn around.
Now, today we need your help turning Dwight into a gentleman.
- A gentleman, who is a rich snob.
Who will go into shopping malls And drop huge amounts of cash on clothes.
- Is he still doing his boycott? - No, no, this is instead of the boycott.
Yeah.
- Your shirt and tie are disgusto-barfo.
- Agreed.
- Really? - Maybe something not so monochromatic.
Not so matching.
- Wait, less matching to appear more rich? The glasses are a little I liked them.
- I thought they were kind of cute.
- Yeah, I liked them too.
- I can't see.
- Say stuff like, "good morning, good afternoon.
" People appreciate that.
- Wait, I see you every day.
Can I say, "good month?" - I'm telling you how to do this, man.
- If someone offers you a cocktail, Accept, but keep your wits about you.
Okay.
- Please and thank you go a long way.
- Copy.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Please.
I think he's got it.
And I was raised by wolves.
I was 25 years old before I saw my first human being.
Wait, is it a full moon tonight? - Come on, Michael.
These are all fake stories.
- Yes, yes, they are all fake stories.
What sort of twisted mind Would come up with weird stories like that? Three hours, we're halfway done.
How? Hey, do you have a second? - Yeah.
- Well, as I'm sure you know, For the past few months, I've been the office administrator, Since right before you guys took over.
Right, of course.
And I haven't goen paid yet.
I'm not blaming you.
Thank you so much.
- I just think somebody lost the paperwork.
Oh, boy.
Can you get every department head's signature on this, So I can back this up to corporate? Yes, absolutely, right away.
You know what, Michael? You're right.
You win.
This is pointless.
We're not getting anywhere.
I got a bunch of fun stuff, In case my daughter ever comes over.
Why don't we just run out the clock By playing games, drawing some pictures, talking? - We present to you, for your final comments And approval, Dwight k.
Schrute.
Go get 'em, Dwight.
Wish us luck.
Thank you.
Dwight.
Ooh, all done.
Disposable cameras are fun, although it does seem wasteful And you don't ever get to see your pictures.
If it's an important event that you want to remember, I recommend using a real camera.
But I don't care if I forget today.
- We could play something more complicated if you'd like.
This is plenty complicated.
So you've played it before? - I played it once or twice with Jeff.
Who's Jeff? - Jeff was my mother's boyfriend, Who she married.
- So her husband and your stepdad.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I never thought of it that way, though.
- Did you guys do much stuff together? Yeah, you know what, He took me to a baseball game once, I remember.
It was weird, though; They took the pitcher Out of the game, and I felt really bad Because the pitcher wasn't going to be able to play With his friends anymore.
But Jeff said that the manager was making a really good move By taking the pitcher out.
He really respected the manager.
It's working.
I'm doing it.
Ahem.
- What? - My place, tonight.
Wear this.
- Do you have your card? Yes.
Don't forget the pipe.
- It's really sad that your dog ran away, But why did it keep you from going to the park? I was afraid I would find him In the park playing with another kid.
Why? - I guess that's why I thought he ran away in the first place To find a kid he liked better.
- Dogs don't do that.
- Right? Why would a dog do that? - I don't know.
- When I hear myself say it, it just sounds ridiculous.
But I never said it out loud, so It's very important for you To be liked, isn't it? Well, let's not get too This isn't a counseling session.
Okay.
You son of a gun.
You son of a bitch.
Wow, okay.
- I'm just trying to help you, Michael.
- You bitch, God! - Michael.
- You're very helpful, aren't you? - I'm trying to - you try to help everybody.
Do you wanna play another game? - I just wanna - you are good.
But you know what? You can't help people.
You couldn't help your marriage.
- Hey.
- Lose, you lose.
I don't need your help, Nobody needs your help.
Nobody wants it! You can't help anybody.
I don't need your help! Am I gonna make you cry? - Just fill them out any way you want.
Okay.
- Have Erin fax them back to corporate.
Will do.
- Okay, filled outGood.
Thank you, doctor, take two of these And call me in the morning.
Hey, Michael? Um, about three months ago, I was talking There are a lot of one-person departments here, So there's a lot of department heads.
But I'm off to a good start.
Oh, man, if I can pull this off, It will be the scam of all scams.
And yet, very helpful to everyone.
- So corporate got your evaluations, And they wanted me to double-check Is that really how you feel about Michael's situation? Yes.
- That is not how he seemed to me.
I thought he seemed fine.
- You marked "severe" in all the categories, Including "at risk for homicidal behavior.
" - I saw a TLC show on Kate Walsh's home office.
All corkboard.
- We can do that.
- Right in here.
Easily.
Knock, knock.
Pam? Perfect.
Um, I was hoping to talk to the office administrator About a little office administration problem.
- But of course.
- Great.
The problem, unfortunately, Is about the office administrator.
I have gone through everything from the past three years.
There is nothing that says That you're office administrator.
- So weird that there's no paperwork.
At all.
- Although, like, unlikely things happen All the time.
My best friend in High School, she went to Australia, Canberra I think, and she met this guy Who lived only two streets away from her in America.
- Pam, I don't want to accuse you of anything.
I just want everything to be back The way it's supposed to be.
Can you just admit Admit Admit what? I don't want to say it.
Say it.
- Say that I'm lying, or say I have the job.
Make a definitive statement, Gabe.
Statements of such a nature, While they have their place, are overused In a competitive business environment.
Great.
Well, let me know if you need a new chair, Or anything that an office administrator can handle.
Will do.
Could I get one of those nameplates That says "Gabe lewis"? - For sure.
Anything else? I'll get it right away.
The first lesson of watching World poker tour at 2:00 A.
M.
: You play the opponent, not the cards.
Is that what we're here for? A crystal wizard.
I like it.
- It's a pewter wizard, holding a crystal.
Wait a second.
You know you can't buy that now, right? I can come back and get it for you later, But I'm saying right now, we can't do that.
Right.
'cause I'm here Revenge.
- That's it.
- Okay.
- Let me know if I can help you with anything.
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yes? - I was here yesterday, and you refused to wait on me.
I remember, yes.
I'm terribly sorry about what happened.
- You work on commission, don't you? - Stop, stop.
- No.
Hold on one second.
Did you just say you remember him? Of course.
But, uh, he looks much less threatening now.
What does that mean? We had a safety concern.
We very politely indicated that he'd be welcomed back Good morning.
- If he were in accordance with our dress policy.
- What? - The bloodstained hands.
It was beet juice.
I'm a beet farmer, id - I'm very sorry.
- Good sir.
I happened to have been working a very long day that day, When I came to your fine estab You are so I'm gonna Okay, listen, you can't treat Thank you.
Good morning, sir! Okay.
- You made a big mistake! Huge! - There it is.
All right.
- That was pretty good.
- Thank you.
Please.
I'll take the wizard.
Uh, okay.
- You forged them.
You forged the forms.
- You filled them in and faxed them yourself.
- Yes.
- You remember that.
- Yes, but you had me so worked up That I made a mistake.
- Unless a part of you made that mistake on purpose.
- You don't make a mistake on purpose, Toby.
Then it's no longer a mistake.
Gabe.
He messed it up.
He messed up the forms, I bet.
I wanna mess everything up So I can fix it and keep my job.
- Good thing I'm here, 'cause I do nothing.
I make everybody nervous.
Aah! Okay.
That's your notebook? All right.
All right.
Let's bang this out.
Let's do it to it.
That's the office, huh? Look at that.
***** ******* Right, oh.
.
I wonder why, uh It feels like that.
Psychiatrists tend to be more crazy than their patients.
Therapists are whores.
Psychiatry is a narcissism machine.
I learn more from Dr.
** than from Dr.
Froyd.
Earth.
You don't have to be crazy to live here.
But it helps.
I don't know Just use the best one.