The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Todd Packer

I have the best stock survival shelter in north eastern Pennsylvania.
But everything is a **life.
So I must eat and then replace everything that is about to expire.
It's nice not to have to plan my meals.
You're eating eight-year-old tomatoes.
They're still good for another week.
You know, I think I might have some type of cheese in the back of my fridge you might like.
I've got some cheese you might like too In between my toes.
All right, picture this.
Snowy Ash drizzles from the sky.
A rabid pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out.
There's only one hope left for you the door to my shelter.
You pound.
You beg.
"Dwight, please let me in.
" But I ignore your cries and do not let you in.
You want to know why? Because of the sign that says, "no pounding.
No begging.
" No.
Because you laughed at me.
Kevin will be eaten.
Pam will be taken slave.
Jim will be made a warlord's Jester.
Meredith will do okay.
Be assured this day will come.
It's just a matter of time.
Could be one month, could be two months.
Three months.
- Could be.
- Four months.
I could see that happening, yes.
Eight months? That's a realistic timeline.
Okay, wait, now really think hard about this one.
One year.
I could see that as a very real possibility.
I could see that happening.
That's just I really thought I was becoming too much of a womanizer.
I realized I had shirts in five different women's houses.
Still not seeing the problem there.
All right.
Truth is, I got a couple love bumps on my ding-dong, so I was like, "oh, game over.
" It was the best of times.
It was the "awesomest" of times.
And now packer wants to come home.
And, oh, look who's here to sign off on it my boo, Holly.
You must be Todd.
Whoa, I'm sorry.
Michael, I thought we were meeting Holly today, not Jennifer Aniston.
Very funny.
Okay, let's get started.
After you.
Oh, Michael, this'll be just us.
Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Just so you know, he's at his funniest when you've given him, like, five shots.
- Okay.
- And it also helps if you've had five shots.
I already have.
Why is packer back? Oh, is packer here? Why is he talking to Holly? Don't know, don't care.
Michael loves you, and your sales speak for themselves.
So Oh! Yes! The pack is back.
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to a man who needs no introduction, probably because most of you have done it with him.
Just kidding.
He wouldn't be interested in any of you.
In all seriousness, Todd packer is a permanent salesman at this branch.
And I would like to invite you now to welcome him with open arms.
Yes! What? It's great to be among friends.
And until then, you suckers will do.
We got burned.
You did.
You got burned, because packer's back.
Packer is turning in his car for a desk.
He is turning in his condoms for a condominium, although he's probably going to have to use condoms from here on out.
Holly You approved this? Yes, I did.
I think Todd's gonna make a great addition to the staff.
- You did approve it? - Yeah.
What don't you understand about the word "approved"? It seems a couple of you don't know what the word "approved" means.
I have very little patience for stupidity.
Sorry we're late.
Gabe fell in the shower.
Such a klutz.
Yeah, and it took the fire department forever to get there.
Oh, my God.
Where did this come from? Who did this? I got Erin a new computer because the one at reception sucked.
I should know.
And I don't want to say the other one was old, but its I.
Number was one.
Right? Thank you, Pam.
Aw, you're welcome.
My pleasure.
Can I do something for you? I just helped someone out.
It feels good.
You know, I cleaned up our daughter for, like, an hour at 4:00 A.
This morning, so So you know the feeling.
Special delivery for Dwight k.
I didn't order anything.
And I don't have anything for you.
But I do want to talk to you about something.
We have been thinking about where packer should sit, and we can't just sit around waiting for creed to die.
Well, there's a lot of seats in the annex.
So you wouldn't mind permanently relocating so that packer can take this desk here.
Thanks, man.
It would mean a lot to me.
I've been sitting here for ten years, Michael.
Well, I was there for 12 years.
Plus, my name's carved under the desk.
- No, it is not.
- It is too.
- Where? - Right there.
Check it out.
Michael, I don't want to move desks.
Don't be a baby.
We're okay, there it is.
"Packer was here and so was your mom.
" - Yeah.
- Do I have any say in this? No! It's $20 to watch, Halpert.
Whose dirt box is this? That's our zen garden.
What do you grow in here, bull crap? Hey, Holly.
What's up, guys? Don't "what's up?" Us.
You think you're so cute with your pretty blond hair.
Whoa, whoa.
Pull it back.
Um, why did you hire Todd packer? He's seriously awful.
Michael's recommendation was glowing.
Honestly, he's been nothing but nice to me.
That's how he gets you to take off your panties.
- Why are you nodding? - United front.
Okay, look, we can't fire someone because we don't like him.
This isn't the U.
What are you referencing? Everything.
Do any of you have any concrete complaints about something he's done? Well, I mean, he humped Michael.
Well, if that's the case, I guess I've got to be fired too.
Hey, you guys.
The yarmouth regatta video is up.
Gather round.
Check it out.
This guy's on a full beam reach.
They're hiking out like mad.
Luff him up.
Luff him up.
Nice ah! This computer's a hunk of junk.
Hey, sailor, come watch your regatta over here.
Where did you get this? Pam gave it to me.
This is a sick computer.
Gwen Stefani has this computer.
Uh, Pamela.
Yep? What does a guy have to do to whom to get one of them? You have a computer, Andy.
Yeah, but if you donated my computer to Africa, it would become famous as the slowest computer in Africa.
Okay, listen, we just don't have the budget for it, okay? Reception needed a computer, so we got one.
Well, Andy's desk needs a computer.
And, I mean, it's just kind of a coincidence that I work there, but Yes, but reception is a one-person department.
If I get you a new computer, I have to get one for everyone in sales for Dwight, for Stanley.
It would be crazy.
So something good happening to Stanley is crazy now.
They're not asking for one.
I am.
I-I need it.
If you're just handing them out, I want one too.
Phyllis, nobody's handing anything out.
See, that's what I'm talking about.
What, are you gonna play mah-jongg faster? I'm sorry, Andy.
Hey, what's going on, you guys? Yeah.
Three muske-queers.
Mean, but good.
So, Todd, this must be nice for you, getting off the road.
You get to spend some time with your daughter.
I don't know.
I love her and all, but she's turned into a bitch.
Most days she's great, but some days she acts like her mom.
Well, some girls go through a phase.
Your life is so insane.
You should write a book.
Since when did you learn how to read? I do know how to read, though.
You know how to read a menu.
This guy.
I He's right.
I mean, I could lose some weight.
Kevin, in sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up-and-comer.
What the heck? Why do you have Erin's computer? It's crazy, right? Erin just wanted me to have it, so we switched.
What? Erin, is that true? I just thought he seemed to really need a new computer, and he knows so much about that one.
Erin, it's not up to you.
This computer was for reception, okay? It's not yours to give away.
When I'm freaking out, I just sort of step back, take three deep breaths.
I'm not freaking out.
Okay? And then I ask myself, "is this worth freaking out about?" Andy, why should she have your crappy computer? Oh, that's interesting.
So you also think my computer's crappy.
Switch the computers back, Andy.
- Seriously? - Seriously.
Pam, come on.
Now, please.
Fine! Please make sure nobody is humping me.
Oh, if you're going back to the annex, could you take these to Dwight? I think the ants are waking up.
They need to start farming soon.
Best day ever.
Best day ever.
So much is happening.
Question should I get stripes shaved into the side of my head? No.
Did Todd tell you to do that? - Yes.
- Yeah.
You love him, right? You love him.
I can tell.
- I love you.
- No, no, not me.
What? He's certainly opinionated.
If you're not gonna take the ants over, I should probably just do it myself.
- Oh, I'm going.
- Whoa, no.
Are you jealous of him Because you think he's funnier than you? Honey.
I don't think he's funnier than me.
Oh, he's funnier than me.
He's not funny at all.
So I'm less funny than not funny at all? Uh-oh, I think the ants are starting to eat each other.
No, what I'm saying is he's not funny, but you're funnier than he is.
Um Okay, bill cosby, Steve Martin, Charlie bit my finger, Michael Scott, then all the way down here, Todd packer.
That's insane.
Honey, he's a jerk.
Oh, for Pete's sake, it just needs to be done.
So you two are married now, right? - Yeah.
- That's sweet.
How's the sex? - Yeah.
- Hey, packer I made you some hot chocolate.
Why? 'Cause I want to let bygones be bygones, show you I'm cool.
You're the new guy.
It's cold out.
I made too much.
I got this awesome hot-chocolate recipe from my wife.
That's a lot of reasons.
Drink it.
I think I'll pass.
The only hot chocolate I'm into is Vivica A.
Can I talk to you for a second? - Here.
- Okay.
So this hot-chocolate thing with packer None of your business.
Well, you know you can't actually poison him.
Right? It isn't poison.
It's a laxative.
People take laxatives all the time.
This is just a lot more of a laxative.
Let me handle it.
I really think we should join forces on this one.
- Really? - What do we think? What would drive him crazy? - I know.
- Here we go.
Pepto-bismol in his hot chocolate.
You have got to stop with the hot-chocolate stuff.
I was thinking maybe we could jam his drawers so that they only come out two inches.
Then, that way, you can see everything in them, but you can't get at it.
Does Edgar Allen poe know about that one? So sinister.
That wouldn't annoy a person at all.
Where do you come up with this stuff? All right, well, this isn't my best, but call froggy 101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets.
We give 'em a number to call for the tickets, and it's his number.
Who is justice beaver? He it's a crime-fighting beaver.
Why don't you write up your best 40 ideas and email 'em to me can you do that? Absolutely.
I'll email you 100.
Write up your list of 100, edit it down to your top 40, and I'll read it over.
Pam, can I talk to you in private? I don't know if there's really a private place in this office.
Well, I put a sign-up sheet in the conference room, and I signed us up for three mods.
A mod is five minutes, and it started two minutes ago, so You did that? Can we talk about this in the meeting? 'Cause we're already late.
Wow, when did people sign up for that? - Mind if I close the door? - No.
What you did out there earlier was totally uncool.
Well, what I was supposed to do, huh let you walk all over me? You humiliated me in front of everybody.
Okay, well, I didn't think about it like that.
It's just I can't do anything about it.
I can't replace your computer unless that one breaks.
Well, I mean, it's pretty broken already.
Well, if it breaks all the way, I can get you a new one.
Pretty sneaky, sis.
Hey, cats, we got a jam session in mods 6, 9, and 12.
There are 400 of these.
Yeah, I couldn't cut it down.
They're all good.
So good.
"Number three eat a frog.
" That sounds promising.
"Number four eat a dog.
" I don't know, um, from a practical standpoint Did you like 135? "Eat a brog.
" Maybe it's 'cause I didn't understand it.
I just had a couple of notes.
Let me grab a pen and Damn it.
Ah, just when we were just when we were getting going.
Allow all cookies? Why, "soitenly.
" Pop-ups? Yes, please.
Bit torrent streaming from a Somalian music website? Yeah, why not? Oh, I hope you don't get sick, Mr.
Why are you doing this to me, Andy? Because I hate your broke ass.
And a 76ers fan to boot.
I like that.
And you made Hank smile.
That doesn't happen often.
You're very charming.
You know what? That is something that you should take upstairs and use on the people that really matter.
- Why? - I don't know.
Holly mentioned that there were some complaints and that you had said some things about Kevin.
- Holly said that? - Yeah.
She was laughing hysterically the whole time.
I guess you said something weird about your daughter.
She asked me, Michael.
It would have been rude not to answer.
You've been on the road a long time.
And you've been an outdoor cat.
And now you have to be an indoor cat, so you can't be peeing all over the walls.
Michael, can I open the kimono with you? I've been on the road too long.
But I want to connect with my daughter.
And it's not right to call her a bitch in front of strangers.
No, it isn't.
You're right.
I got to I got to watch my behavior.
Yeah, a little bit.
Don't give up on me.
I won't.
Everybody? I need you to see this, because maybe there is somebody here that you underestimated who will surprise you.
Todd packer is going to apologize.
Kevin, front and center come here.
I got a lot of numbers here to put together.
Kevin, we know that you are just trying to save face.
We know that you are hurt and embarrassed.
That's silly.
I should be apologizing to packer, 'cause everybody knows that I can dish it as good as I can take it.
Okay, sweetie, no, you shouldn't be apologizing to packer.
That doesn't make any sense.
You ready for this? Are you ready for this? - Mm-hmm.
Gentlemen, start your engines.
I'm sorry if you were offended by my comments earlier.
Well, like I said, I wasn't offended, but I'll stand here for the big show.
Kevin, do you accept the apology? Don't do it, Kevin.
That's that fake kind of apology.
- Okay, go back to the annex.
- This is textbook.
It's so uncool.
Ryan does this to me all the time, like it's some offense to have feelings.
Don't do it, Kevin.
Sometimes you overreact.
Michael, how is this supposed to work? Packer's gonna keep saying terrible things, and then he's just gonna make half-ass apologies, and we're back to square one.
You want an apology? Here goes.
Kevin, I am so sorry.
You are skinny, and you're a genius.
That that was maybe too much.
Packer is a survivor of divorce, Stanley.
Packer doesn't speak with his child, Meredith.
Packer never lived up to his parents' expectations, Andy.
Angela loves pussycats.
Packers loves - No, don't.
- I was going to say "dogs"! Okay, you know what? This is over.
Apology has been issued, and we're through with it.
Packer's going to be here until the day he dies, just like the rest of us.
So, listen, we have to really scuff this up.
No, no, no, we can say that the previous owner was a neat freak or an elegant old lady, and she just kept it around in case her grandkids came to visit.
But they died, and they never came.
I'm gonna make myself cry.
Andy, this is the deal we made.
That's probably good.
That's enough.
We should break this hinge maybe.
Let's not go crazy.
Well, thanks.
Will do.
Now, when you get down there, Jo's a little bit, uh, forgetful, so she may have locked the gate, but what you're gonna do is, go ahead, hop it, and just head back to the pool.
That sounds weird.
It is weird.
Look at you perceptive.
Now I know why jo has kept her eye on you.
And you make sure to get down there and check out the Harry Potter world.
Whatever you want to do in your spare time is up to you.
Harry Potter world is supposed to be fantastic.
Apparently, as soon as corporate found out I wanted to come in off the road, jo offered me a cushy new job in Tallahassee.
And here's the best part.
I'm a huge alligator nerd.
I can name you every genus, every subspecies.
Also, I'm a huge boob nerd.
Check it out and have a free butterbeer on us.
Keep the receipt, and we'll get you back.
What are you doing? Shh, this is a very important client.
All right, so just pack your bags.
And, uh, be sure to bring those swimming trunks.
Bye, now.
I cannot believe this.
You're sending packer to Florida? Why? Because he's a jerk.
- You gave him my desk.
- Okay.
So you're tricking him into flying to Florida.
This wasn't my first choice.
Jim had so many better ideas.
You have to tell him.
You have to tell him what you did.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
That that is not in the plan.
That is actually anti what we're doing.
He is my oldest friend.
I am going to tell him.
Why don't we come up with a plan that we're all happy about? Yeah, that Pam, how is this thing even any better than my old computer? Come on, Andy.
I mean, you said you wanted a computer this is the best I could do.
Where'd you even find this thing like, in the corner of the warehouse? Yes, I found it on a shelf in the corner of the warehouse.
All right, well, thank you for my garbage computer.
You're looking at the new face of corporate.
Gonna put the "ass" in Tallahassee.
Yes, about that Oh, man, we got to go out and celebrate tonight.
Well, I don't know if that's a good idea.
- The old ball and chain? - No.
Nothing like that at all.
Listen, I'm gonna tell you something that none of these people have the stones to tell you.
It's your girlfriend.
She's uptight.
Sorry? I know this stuff can hurt, but I wish someone had said something to me about my ex-wife.
All I'm saying is, in about a month or so, have you down to Florida, introduce you to all the local talent.
Sounds great.
It's gonna be so good.
That is.
It's gonna be awesome.
I think you're really going to enjoy it down there.
I'm sorry about your friend.
He's an ass.
You are.
You are.
What are you, wicked smaht? No, you are.
Saw Andy's new computer you found in the warehouse.
Lucked out.
Yeah, you really did, 'cause I know every inch of that warehouse.
Super lucky.
Maybe you could go back down there and see if you can find me some extra sick days.
You know what? I think I saw one sick day I think maybe I saw five.
I'm full on corrupt.