The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Garage Sale

Race fan, huh? No.
Everybody assumes I am.
I always get them as gifts.
Dunder Mifflin is having our first ever garage sale.
Like many Americans, we realized we had a lot of things that we didn't really need.
And $.
10 of every dollar is going into the party fund, so we can throw parties for ourselves.
People, look alive! It's showtime! Doors open in three Two One! [Door buzzer] [Applause] Ooh, yikes.
It's cold, Dwight! Just shut the door.
Let people come in the front.
It's good that it's cold.
It'll drive business inside.
The signs will drive business inside.
The warmth will lure people inside.
- Close it.
- This is how business I'm not closing the doo Close it.
Stop it.
Just stop.
Kevin, shut the door.
[Cheerful music] Uh-oh.
Looks like someone's sign's a little crooked.
It looks awful.
You need a thumbtack? - Sure.
- Not so fast.
Schrutes are farmers by hobby, and traders by trade.
Through the art of the swap, I will walk out of this garage sale with the finest item here.
I will trade you for the used candle.
Forget you.
Come on.
It's trash, like your sign, unless you have this.
Just give it.
That's how it's done.
I love her.
How much for that? I, uh I actually don't know why I brought that, because it's kind of priceless.
Mmm, no.
I paid $500 for that.
- 200.
- 500.
- 20.
- 45.
- Get lost.
- Damn it.
And that is how you do it.
You know, we don't have to sell that if you don't want.
If it's a problem with the neon, I can have my neon guy take a look.
No, you know, it's really more for a bachelor pad.
I just want to get a fair price.
Well, we could put it in storage in case.
In case? In case of what? Well, you know, in case Maybe something changes.
I don't have an "in case.
" Do you have an "in case"? No.
How much for the slip n' slide? Get lost.
Yes, hello, Mr.
This is Michael Scott, your daughter's boss.
I am calling because I am going to have to fire your daughter Holly, because she's such a terrible employee.
I'm just kidding.
[Laughs] I'm kidding.
I'm actually calling Because I'm in love with her.
I love your daughter, and I have for some time.
And I would like to discuss my intentions with you, which are to ask her to marry me.
And I was just hoping that you would give me your approval.
And this isn't a joke.
So call me back when you get this, and I look forward to speaking.
Thank you.
Are you serious? A half-used candle? Get out of here, Dwight.
You're blocking my table with your giant body.
Oh, 'cause there's a huge line of people who want your spinster tchotchkes.
Screw you, man.
People like my stuff.
People like Ryan? Let me tell you about men like him.
He comes over, and you're, like, "hey, baby, let me light a candle," and you pull out this one.
He's like, "who else is she seeing? I better lock her down fast.
" You can take my Helen fielding collection.
And the Jennifer Weiner collection.
Oh, my gosh.
You have the Dallas board game? Yeah.
When I was a kid, I was on Dallas.
- Really? - Yeah.
We missed our connecting flight, and we spent the entire day on Dallas.
Then we spent a week on Hawaii.
I was on heaven.
We should play it.
Well, there's no instructions.
It's Dallas, the game.
We can figure it out.
I'm pretty good at board games.
Well, shall we make it a little interesting? Sure.
What is this? How did those get out? I'm sorry.
"Professor Copperfield's miracle legumes"? I was in Jamaica, and I got lost.
And it was getting dark this one night, and then out of nowhere, this guy comes with a cart, and he's selling these.
Dwight, he told me things about myself that there's no way he could have known.
That's a common swindler's trick.
So I buy some.
I turn the corner.
I feel like an idiot.
So I go back to get my money.
He was gone.
So you want to sell me magic beans? [Laughs] Correction.
I do not want to sell you Professor Copperfield's miracle legumes.
Nice try.
No, correction.
Terrible try.
Michael called dad? Your friend Michael, yes.
What's going on? Um, I think I know, but I'll sound stupid if I'm wrong.
Uh, is dad there? - Hollis? - Hi, dad.
There was a program on tv about India.
Oh, okay.
Um, did you connect with Michael? You want to watch it? I I'm not there, dad.
I'm in Pennsylvania.
What what are you doing there? I live here.
Um, can I talk to you about Michael? I'll I'll put your mother on.
No, no, no, dad.
Holly? Mom, dad can't seem to focus on the subject.
Don't you worry about him.
He's got me.
Well, who do you have? I have your father.
He's right here.
I'll put him on.
No, mom.
Oh, which one's decaf? Michael! Michael! Hey! - Hi.
- Hi.
I'm just coming out to see what you're doing and maybe stop you.
Oh, you know what? Do you have a siphon? I think I'm gonna run out of gas.
Why do you need more gas? Well, I'm Writing a message.
Is it a good message or a bad message? I'm asking Holly a question in fire.
Are you proposing? Maybe.
[Gasps] - Oh! - Wow.
You know what? I've got gas on my hands and my shoes.
Would you would you light it? Do the honors, please? Yeah.
Yeah, no problem.
- Pam? - Yep? Could you light this, please? Michael, you've had two ideas today And one of them was great, and the other one was terrible.
I am not in the mood for riddles, Pam.
This is terrible.
No, this is romantic.
You know what? I'm gonna get a hose, and then we'll talk about it.
Okay? We'll figure it out.
I'll be right back.
Just stay there.
Free sample? My mom makes the best Pesto in the world.
And I always tell her, "mom, you should sell this.
You'd make a fortune.
" And she always says, "no, it's just for family.
" Well, finally, I was like, "fuck it, I'll sell it.
" So I'm like, "mom, I need you to make a ton of Pesto for a Pesto party for all my friends.
" She's like, "uh, okay.
" Pesto party? Really? Anyway, she makes, like, It's so good.
And Phyllis just had that "mom" look I wanted.
You got this kosher certified? No, I meant like, "it's cool.
It's kosher.
It's all good.
" Ryan, you have such an interesting mind.
So creative.
All these new business ideas and artistic projects.
[Chuckles] Thank you.
What you got there? Oh, it's just Stanley's old photo album.
I was thinking about throwing it in the garbage.
I mean, why would I want some random black man's old photo album sitting on my bookshelf? I'm not James Franco.
Things are going very well.
I traded a thumbtack for Meredith's junk, for Kelly's crap, for Phyllis's garbage, for Oscar's trash, for Stanley's crap, for Ryan's junk, for creed's garbage, for a very cute squid that Erin happened to have.
Jim, put those away.
I'm really sorry.
Pam must have put those out.
All right, just out of curiosity, what were the claims for those beans? They're legumes, Dwight.
And you're just gonna make fun of me, so why would I? [Scoffs] You know what? This ends now.
Hey, Michael.
Everyone's in the conference room.
Why? You called the meeting.
I don't I did? Okay.
Thank you all for coming.
I would like to talk to you today about Recycling.
- Michael? - Yes.
We are a family.
I could not agree with you more.
And I've always believed that we should all be very involved in one another's personal lives in a very major way.
- Yes, thank you.
- So about this proposal thing.
No, no, no, no, no.
My mind's made up.
I am not going to change my mind.
You can't talk me out of it.
Michael, she's perfect for you.
- She's the one.
- She's amazing.
This is very exciting.
[Chuckles] So we just we want to help you plan the proposal so that it's safe and responsible and realistic and doable.
I had a great idea until you ruined it.
You want to know how to do it? Here's how you do it.
Take her out to dinner, go down on one knee.
If you are in costume, you did something wrong.
If at any point you find yourself tying the ring to a dog's collar, stop and look at yourself.
[Speaks in texan accent] I'm gon' play me a little old blackmail card Nice.
And call a proxy meeting and take control and take control of ewing oil once and for all.
No, you can't do that.
You can't play a blackmail card and call a proxy meeting in the same turn.
Why not? Seems to me we're just making up rules 'cause somebody forgot to staple the rule book to the inside of the game like a normal human being.
And I'm gonna play this here "share the wealth" card.
Ooh! Which entitles me to half of both of you all's money.
So if you don't mind no, this card is from the wrong game.
This is from the game of life.
It was in the box.
- Well played.
- Thank you.
We must honorably adhere to the rules that we are making up on the spot.
No, but that's not fair.
Well, that's Dallas.
Dallas, indeed.
What? Ryan, where did you get this picture? My mom also makes the best salsa.
This is your mom's old stuff? Yeah, mostly.
How's she doing? It didn't go down easy, but she's made some friends, and it's already better than it was.
How do you know when it's time? I don't know if you ever know.
And if you wait for the day when your parent comes to you and says, "I can't take care of myself," it's never gonna happen.
I have a box of bras under the table if you're interested.
Let me see.
Okay, I think animals in proposals are out.
Right, Ryan? Didn't you read in one of your blogs that animals are out? Blogs are out, but people are texting each other, "no more animals," yeah.
How about this? I throw a corpse dressed like me off of the roof.
It hits the ground, the head pops off.
This leads to me saying the line, "I lost my head when I fell in love with you.
" That's a guarantee.
Easy enough to get a corpse.
You just go to a med school.
I already have the ring.
Don't think you need the corpse then.
There's the ring.
Holy [Bleep]! Is that real? Yeah.
They say, "three years' salary.
" No.
Is she not gonna like that? No, she's gonna love it.
So I think you can keep the proposal simple.
You know, like when Jim proposed, he just he got down on one knee, and he told me that he loved me and he asked me to marry him.
And it was perfect.
Where was that? At a gas station.
[Laughter] A gas station? Well, it was when she was working in New York, so it was halfway between both of us.
That must have been a surprise, when, at the gas station, you proposed.
No, it was really it was really sweet.
It was raining and oh, yeah.
You didn't say that the weather was bad.
That sounds perfect.
I want this to be an event that everyone talks about always and forever.
Totally reasonable.
I'm just it's terrifying.
She's not gonna say no.
I know, but I'm still scared.
I don't know why.
'Cause it's a big deal.
I mean, I knew Pam was gonna say yes, but I was still scared.
You were scared? Yeah.
It's scary.
Get this.
Kevin thought I was gonna sell my Bowflex for $200, and I told him, "dude, this was a prop in my movie.
" Look, I need to talk to you.
Okay, it's because we haven't sold anything.
You know what? We just wait till the end of the day.
People get desperate, and they're gonna pay anything.
I think I need to go home to Colorado.
My dad isn't doing so well.
Oh, okay.
For how long? I don't know.
- Is he all right? - Yeah.
- You okay? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just you know, I just don't want to go home when he's on his deathbed, you know? I want to be there when he's still my dad.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, you definitely need to do that.
And I want you to come with me.
Now, I I know that's a lot to ask of a boyfriend.
And I was thinking, you know, maybe, since given our last conversation, and that we're both ready Michael Scott, will you no, no.
Shh! Shu shut it.
[Chuckles] Oh, God.
Nope, nope, nope.
UhWhat? No, I am not going to be proposed to in the break room.
That is not going to be our story.
Should have burned this place down when I had the chance.
Hey, guys! It's mu turn.
You can't go.
You're dead.
I shot you five moves ago.
Yeah, I told you you can't shoot people.
I told you we're way past rules.
We have been for some time now.
Start having rules now, everything we've built collapses.
Well, this is stupid, and I want my money back.
Where's the money? Yeah, where is it? Okay, you know what? I am never ever playing games with you two again.
And that is Dallas.
- Nice.
- Not bad, right? I can't really tell.
I know, right? What the oh, my God.
That that's impossible.
It is, right? I mean, it's impossible.
[Sighs] All right, I'll take 'em.
- They're probably worthless.
- Probably.
Leave the telescope.
I started with a thumbtack and traded my way to a telescope.
But in a way, the most valuable thing here wasn't the telescope at all.
It was this packet of beans, so I traded the telescope for it.
And I can I can just go buy another telescope.
How'd we do? $13.
That's great.
And we still have most of our stuff.
Listen, about earlier no, no, no, no, no.
Let's not talk about that.
I was wrong to put you in that position.
I Michael, you're my life now.
I'm not going to Colorado.
You know what? Let's go for a little walk.
I want to show you some stuff.
So this is one of my favorite places in the world.
Why? This is where Toby announced that he was going to Costa Rica.
It was the happiest day of my life Until the day you came to replace him.
Let's go in here.
And this is where we first kissed.
I remember.
And this is where we first made love.
Remember what I tried there? [Whispers] Michael! [Chuckles] Through these blinds is where I first saw you.
And you had all these boxes, and I thought you were the prettiest mover I had ever seen.
And I was sitting at this desk When I called you to tell you that I had herpes, and that I was still in love with you.
And you said that it was over and that you didn't love me.
And thank goodness none of that was true, including the herpes.
It was an ingrown hair.
Right in here.
This is where we co-ran our first meeting.
Remember? Obesity awareness? - Mm-hmm.
Saved a lot of lives that day.
That's where you first met Michael Klump.
Oh, I say I say I sit on you.
[Laughter] And right over there, that's where you realized that Meredith was prostituting herself for outback steak.
And I will never forget that you had the cutest look on your face because you couldn't believe it.
You thought it was so wrong.
And over here what happened here? Well, nothing.
Nothing really.
I would just find an excuse to come here So I could stare at you through that window.
This is what I'd do.
[Chuckles] Nice.
Let's go in here.
Here? Hi, guys.
This is where our love faces its toughest test.
After this, just smooth sailing for the rest of our lives.
Holly, will you marry me? No.
Marry me, Holly.
That guy's got more than he can handle as it is.
Will you marry me? No.
That marriage would be a sham.
- Will you marry me? - No.
Easy no.
- Will you marry me? - No.
That would be hot.
I would pay to see that.
- Will you marry me, Holly? - No.
Only one that I was kind of worried about.
This is where I fell in love with you And this is where I ask you to marry me.
It started with a broken [fire alarm beeping] [Gasps] [Both laughing] - Aah! - Yeah.
[Gasps] [Imitating yoda] Holly flax Marrying me will you be? [Imitating yoda] Your wife becoming Be will I.
[Laughter] [Cheering] That is so awesome.
- Congratulations! - Congratulations! Thank you! Thank you.
So, guys, guys, guys, guys We're moving to Colorado.
All of us? - Yep.
- Wait.
What? Holly has to go back to Colorado.
I'm going with her.
I'm leaving.