The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Training Day

- A sombrero, please? - All right.
- So just you tonight? - Actually, I am meeting somebody, but I'm a little bit early.
Leaving my company.
After 19 years.
I'll drink to that! - I'm starting at a company this week.
- Oh, really? To beginnings and endings.
And to middles, the unsung heroes.
And to moms.
To moms of the troops.
Do not tell my fiancee I'm drinking on a Wednesday.
I won't.
I don't know her.
Moving out to the 'burbs.
Actually, I'm moving further than the 'burbs.
I'm moving to Colorado.
- Colorado? - Yeah.
- Sunshine state.
- Yep.
Don't mess with Colorado.
No, don't.
Doing some skiing? No, no, I don't want to end up like Sonny Bobo.
Well, that's just that's just good sense right there.
Yeah, everyone I know who skis is dead.
You know what, I would like to try the luge though.
Try it once, you're hooked.
That's my guess.
That's what I've heard.
- I'm an Olympics nut.
- Oh, yeah? Me too.
Summer or winter? Summer.
Actually, I gotta come around to give you yeah, come on.
You know, it's funny.
I actually tried to get an animal Olympics going.
Really? What happened? You know, life happened.
What are you gonna miss most about Scranton? Oh, wow.
The mountains, where things are.
That's the way it goes.
Man, he is late.
I'm gonna call him.
Do you mind? I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
Where is this guy? Excuse me.
I need to take this.
Hello? - This is Michael Scott.
- Yes, yes.
You running late? I'm here.
- No, I'm here.
- Oh.
- I'm at the bar.
- I'm at the bar too.
- You are? - Uh-huh.
What bar? I'm at the the bar the bar that's located in the lobby of the hotel.
I do not see you.
How long have you I've been here about, gosh, over half an hour.
Okay, yeah, me too.
What are you wearing? I am wearing a gray suit, red tie.
Are we both at the right place? Which place? - I hear your voice.
- I hear your - I hear your voice - I see your lips moving.
- In the phone.
- And, oh, brother.
And that's man! Michael Scott.
D'Angelo Vickers.
- Wow.
- Ah.
That is insane! "That is insane" is right.
That's the right term.
Bartender, let's get some vodka up in this cranberry, and one for my friend.
There we go.
Ready? - I am ready.
- All right, here we go.
Well, this is it.
What do you think? She'll do.
Oh, she'll do just fine.
I am very much looking forward to tomorrow.
Uh, it is, uh it feels like the culmination of a lot of hard work, a lot of good fortune, and, uh Hey, come on.
Did that did that just happen? We should write a movie or something.
I'm serious.
Michael is leaving, and apparently they already hired a new manager.
And we're meeting him today.
That's a lot to process, paperwork-wise.
No, it's not Ashton Kutcher.
It's Kevin Malone.
Equally handsome, equally smart.
Okay, everyone, as you know, one of my favorite things is fanfare for its own sake.
So without further ado, let's all start clapping.
Presenting D'Angelo Vickers! Hi! Hello.
- Come on out! - Oh.
How are you, sir? I'm well, sir.
How are you? Uh, can I just say, I am so excited to be working here.
A little bit about myself I love the American southwest, for starters.
You may call them Arizona, new Mexico, Nevada, Utah.
I call them heaven.
I have a peanut allergy.
Something I live with.
It's a part of me.
I've learned to cope with it.
What else I'm just as comfortable at a ball game as I am at the opera.
I was a did I want to be made manager? Sure.
A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely.
A crushing blow? Yes.
Will I get over it? Mmm No.
But life goes on.
Not for me.
I'll get that, guys.
No, I'll help you.
You know, it's just you know? Oh, hi.
Have we met before? No, not officially.
I saw you coming out of the bathroom earlier.
Well, I guess I'm gonna go back to my cave.
It was really great meeting you.
And that Is what they call a "meet cute.
" So we talked for, like, 20 minutes.
No clue it's D'Angelo the whole time.
That's kind of embarrassing.
No, no.
Yeah, that story makes you sound stupid.
I happen to like the hilarious hijinks that I get myself into.
There he is there D'Angelo, I was just telling them about last night when we met.
- Oh.
- Remember that? That was crazy.
That was great.
"Uh, let's see.
Where's my replacement?" "Where's the guy I'm replacing?" I don't know.
Why don't I look to my left? - I know.
- You're sitting right there.
I know.
Well, that's that's what I was just saying.
That's the that exact situation is why I always carry around a couple of these.
Just in case, 'cause, you know, sometimes you need to I.
Office funny guy.
Always glad to have an office funny guy around.
I wasn't even trying to make a joke.
But I guess I've always been sort of quirky.
A little twisted.
This is Jim and Pam, aka "Jap.
" What started as an affair has blossomed into a family before our eyes.
Well, it was it wasn't an affair.
- Yes, it was.
- But, no but we are a family.
We made that.
- Cecilia.
- Aw.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
I have four kids of my own.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
Well, we just have the one, but she poops for four.
Uh-oh, someone started off on a good foot with the new boss.
Yeah, they don't ever talk about careers that were made because of unplanned pregnancies, so.
Thanks for meeting me.
Are you kidding? I would come anywhere to see a turtle.
- Yeah.
- Where'd you find him? There's no turtle, Michael.
I just wanted to get you here.
You know me very well, Dwight.
- That's because I'm your right-hand man, Michael.
But I can't do it.
I can't do it again.
I can't be a right-hand man to a whole new guy.
Now I'm gonna have to go online and look at turtles, or else I'm gonna be off the whole day.
I want to be manager.
I just don't understand why I wasn't even interviewed for the job.
You know, what's wrong? I'm totally qualified.
You were pushing for me.
That apple looks delish.
I do a lot of portion control.
Try to keep my daily caloric intake under 1,200.
D'Angelo, you're going to starve to death.
So you decided to have an orgy and not invite me? Come on! I call middle.
It's cool that you like the southwest.
It's one of my favorite regions.
"It's one of my favorite regions.
" Did I just sound totally lame? No.
I sounded good.
I love the desert.
It's one of my favorite ecosystems.
Here's the great thing about the southwest.
There is so much more than desert.
Along the north rim of the grand canyon is a forest as lush as you've ever seen.
It's lush, dummy.
Hey, uh, D'Angelo.
What do you think about bald people? I hate them.
D'Angelo, I forget, did you mention you liked politics? - I did not.
- Because I was thinking, you should meet my boyfriend.
He's a state senator.
I really think the two of you would hit it off.
He's a great person to know.
Sounds very interesting.
Thank you.
Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin.
Okay, let me transfer you.
Why do you use your name when you answer the phone? Oh, that's how Pam does it.
I just copy her.
She's she's sort of a living legend.
Try it without using your name.
Dunder Mifflin, this is.
Oh, yeah.
I like it.
Dunder Mifflin, how may I assist you? Oh, assist.
I sort of like the old way.
I just prefer it without the name.
I thought Okay, no, no, no.
I gotta start doing some managing at some point, right? I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
But if it's not a big deal, we should just do the old way.
- And it really isn't.
- Okay.
That good? Yeah, okay, good.
Well, I'd like to change it, actually.
Well, you know, whatever.
- Yeah.
- Whatever you think would work.
What do you think? I think a change would be nice.
You could do the old way, or the, you know, whichever one you want to do.
Change it.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, funny guy.
I'm having a little mid-day lull here.
Make me laugh.
Huh? What do you got? - Uh - I can't even look at you.
Here we go.
- Okay, what do, um, African-Americans call the - What? - Um.
- D'Angelo.
- Yeah? Did you order a barber? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Come on back here.
Put a pin on that.
I can't I can't wait to hear the punch line.
Finish the joke, Andy.
What do African-Americans call? I don't know.
Help me.
- That is so bad-ass.
Just so hardcore.
Yeah, very cool.
Real power move.
Saw a hawk today.
Just sitting right there on the overpass, looking at me.
Shave me.
Well, this is going to be funny, because it looks like we're gonna be shaving buddies.
Okay, all right.
I love it.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha! - I love it.
Michael, this is Reggie.
- He's the number-one yelp-reviewed shaver in Scranton.
It's not even close.
And this is Erin, and she's going to shave my face.
Here we go.
All right.
This is how we do it.
- Mmm.
- Feels nice, doesn't it? It really does.
This is luxury.
Here we go.
Oh, that is nice.
You wanted to talk to us, D'Angelo? Oh, yes, yes.
Please cozy up there.
I just thought we could have some rap sessions with smaller groups.
You know, we don't really do rap sessions.
We kind of do God! We sort of do more of like pow-wows or whatevs.
- Okay, well, pow-wows then, fine.
That's Hey, D'Angelo, my mom just sent me this picture of Cece.
It is so adorable.
- All right, wait, but a little bit of back-story.
She loves dogs.
She calls them "da-das.
" - Da-das.
- And what happens is you know what? Enough about your baby, okay? Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, we were just I think she was just trying to no, no, no.
I know what you're doing.
Just quit it.
I want to hear from the rank and file.
How can I be the best manager for you all? You know, what can I do better? Okay, you know what, everybody? There's you have to be honest here.
You you can't say that everything is perfect, right? So, you know, come up with something.
Well, D'Angelo, I'd say communication could be improved.
People stopped reading memos, so everyone marks them "urgent.
" Okay, you know what, I mark it urgent "a," urgent "b," urgent "c," urgent "d.
" Urgent "a" is the most important.
Urgent "d" you don't even really have to worry about.
Okay, um, Michael, can you stop talking now? I have to do your lips.
Don't shave my lips.
What's up? I don't mean to go off on a rant here, but I wrote the perfect joke.
Topical, edgy.
I saw this thing in the news.
Democrats want electric cars.
Republicans don't.
I'm thinkin' how crazy is it that we got a car debate goin' on in a city known for gridlock? UmLet's not talk politics in the office, okay? I like you better as the funny guy.
I wasn't taking a a position.
It was just sort of one of those things.
Now, that's funny.
That's funny.
You walk much? Yeah! Right? I meanAh! - Little click.
- Mm-hmm.
D'Angelo, this box came for you.
Great! Thank you.
That's my stuff.
- Oh! - Yeah.
Michael, take a look at this.
- Need a hand? - Oh, that'd be great.
Thank you.
Hey, you know what? This office sort of has a perfect fung shooey to it, andYou know, let's not go overboard with the redecorating.
I'm still here, so Wow! - Right? - Nice.
I still have to look at this stuff, guys, so - So this is a ten-gallon hat? - Yeah, you like that? Ten-gallon hat.
Technically, it only holds about three quarts.
Little factoid.
D'Angelo's great.
I love the guy.
But I'm not sure he's a good fit for the office.
And also, I'm not sure if I love the guy.
All right, see you later, girl.
Hey, hey, hey.
Naw, I'm good.
Keep that.
Hey, funny man.
What you got for me? Make me laugh.
Let's see Let's see if my favorite tea is in here Oh, jeez! That's hot coffee! Drink some soap.
Drink some hand soap.
I guess this is my life now.
How do I become a manager at sabre? Well, first things first.
Thank you for coming to me directly, you know? I know you could have called Tallahassee, but they would have just looped back to me, so It's cool you recognize my role here.
I left a message at corporate.
UhThere you go.
Get a recommendation from Michael.
That'll put you right on the short list for next time there's an opening.
Can't you just use the recommendation you already have on file? What recommendation? From when he recommended me to replace him.
I'm so I'm sorry, I never know how to act in these awkward-type situations.
Best whale watching.
Easily the west coast.
If you're gonna go whale watching on the east coast, you might wanna bring a magazine called west coast whales.
'Cause you're not gonna see 'em.
Snack time.
It's the witching hour.
It is the sandwiching hour.
- Awesome.
- Mmm.
What ya got? Pb and j.
My mom's recipe.
Michael, D'Angelo has a peanut allergy.
Okay, I need a wide berth.
I need a wide berth from those nuts.
What are you doing? Have you lost your mind? I think Kevin wants one.
Kevin here ya go! Oh! Michael, this is serious.
Do you know what happens if D'Angelo touches a peanut? - What? - Michael, the last time I was exposed to a peanut, I was itchy for three days, okay? Had to take baths constantly.
I missed the oj verdict.
Had to read about it in the paper like an idiot! Wait.
So you don't go into like shock or die or anything.
No, Jim.
Not everything's life and death.
I wanna feel comfortable.
Oscar, here you go.
You're getting nut particles all in the air! No one had a problem with the air here until you came around.
Everyone, mandatory meeting.
Multipurpose room, now.
No, that's good.
You just stay in there.
Stay in there by yourself, loser.
Nobody go in.
What? - Nobody go in there.
- What? - Stay where you are.
- Michael, this is insane.
No, it's not insane, Oscar.
I've been here for 19 years, and just because someone else is called the boss, you're gonna throw it all away? N-no.
Listen, you're the one who decided to leave.
Come on.
He's our new boss.
You know we have to do this.
Ooh, well.
Who needs 'em? Looks like it's just you and me, Dwight.
Just you.
All right.
Meeting, multifunction room.
Hey, Michael.
Michael, wait up.
Hold up, hold up.
So so for these meetings, do you just do you just jump into business, or do you start with some chitchat or I start with some chitchat and maybe a couple of jokes.
And you might wanna develop a couple of characters.
Go on, you just you'll be fine.
Maybe not.
- No.
- You know, it is too bad for this place that you're leaving.
Bring it in.
Come on.
Bring okay.
Why did you have to be so damn good? I I'm adequate.
I-I'm half as good as you.
- No, no, no.
- Oh, come on.
You are good.
They know it.
Come on.
I just didn't expect you to get there so fast.
Would you do me a favor and enjoy this time, okay? You've worked so hard.
Get your senioritis on.
It's lake Havasu time.
Guess I been working so hard, I Forgot what it's like to be hardly working.
What is the Native American girl's name? You'll figure it out.
Thank you, Dwight.
- Um - Listen up! Hey, D'Angelo.
Want to meet Cece? That's a cute baby.
Very cute baby.
Adorable, very cute.
Thank you very much.
See? We knew it.
If he just met her - he'd understand.
- We're back in.
Right? I'm telling you, that baby could be the star of a show called "babies I don't care about".