The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Michael's Last Dundies

It is 6 AM, and Deangelo and I are about to go house to house to give everybody their Dundies nomination certificate just like the oscars.
And this happens every year? Every year this happens.
You have a lot to learn, my friend.
Well, you know, why don't we try it, and if it goes good, it'll be part of my tradition.
Why are you even saying that? You're gonna love it.
Here we go.
This one.
This way.
Nice house.
- Surprise! - Congratulations! Yep.
You and Pam have both been nominated for Dundie awards.
- Rawr! - There we go! Have Pam come out.
No, no, she's not here.
What's going on? Stay in bed.
- Congratulations.
- Stanley, we love you.
Have you lost your mind? Get off my property before I call the police.
All right, we got it.
- Leave it at the door? - Yeah, that's fine.
Hey, Toby, you suck! Is this an employee of ours? Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Gosh, I've never seen this place in the daylight.
This reminds me of Katrina.
Here we go.
All right.
You got it? Are we set? Hello? I'm so busted.
Walk of shame.
Do you usually leave your door unlocked and ajar? Nice! I got a Dundie nomination.
- Yes, you did.
- Yes, that's right.
No big deal.
Congratulations, Meredith.
All right, well, we should head out.
No, no, no, you gotta stay.
No, no, no, I have vienna sausages and I have napkins.
Let me fix you breakfast.
I'm not going in there.
Good morning, Erin.
Oh, hey, didn't see you.
Any big plans for tonight? I don't know.
Maybe volunteer at the women's shelter, go to bed.
Or, I don't know, maybe I'm going to the Dundies! You are getting so funny.
Very good.
The Dundies are my baby, and they need to go on.
When Larry king died, they didn't just cancel his show.
They got piers Morgan to come in and do his show, and that way Larry lives on.
Anything can happen at the Dundies.
They're like the golden globes but less mean.
And I just want us to all have a good time.
Just a little announcement, folks.
Remember, the Dundies is a black tie affair.
Black tie optional.
Every day is black tie optional.
Fyi, tonight we will be hosting at Louie Volpe's.
- Nice.
- I love their breadsticks.
Oh, their breadsticks are like crack.
I love when people say "like crack" who have obviously never done crack.
Well, their breadsticks are like what then, Ryan? What can I use? I don't know, something from your world.
"The breadsticks are like scrapbooking.
" You're right.
No, I'm a middle class fraud.
Shh, okay, okay, okay.
Everybody's right.
They're like breadsticks on steroids.
Right? Yeah, that's great.
So as you know, the Dundies are my legacy.
So I'm going to need to train a replacement.
So this year I have decided to have a co-host.
And that person is Deangelo.
Always the Padawan, never the Jedi.
Thank you, Michael, but I will have to pass.
Think of it as part of your training.
I'm not much of a performer, unless you count singing in the shower.
Boy, okay.
Okay, well, we'll work on it.
Look, I'm very, very bad.
Very bad.
You're doing it.
Guys, I want you to help us work on some banter.
Yes, I love banter.
But I hate witty banter.
Here we go.
So, Deangelo, you and I have a lot in common.
You lost 200 pounds, and I lose my car keys every morning.
That is true.
We do share some similarities.
I know how you can fix one of those problems.
For me, it was portion control.
For you, you need a key chain.
Maybe hang it on the-- Okay, okay, you know what, I didn't actually lose my keys.
- So this did not happen? - Mm-kay.
There needs to be what you call a rat-a-tat.
And right now it's all rat and no tat.
Ryan, come on up here.
Deangelo, if you would just-- Tap Deangelo out.
- If I can see it-- - Just watch us.
Okay, Ryan, how are you today? Why don't you ask my therapist? My mom certainly pays her enough.
There you go! Lovely.
Regis and Kelly.
Use that as an inspiration.
- Okay.
- Just be funny.
Uh, you sir, are we having fun tonight? - Having a great time.
- Oh, good, good.
Where were you on September 11th? No, gosh.
No, no, stop, stop.
What? This is so weird.
If I'm conducting a meeting, good to go.
But if I think of it as a performance, I fall apart obviously.
Why don't you think of hosting the Dundies like you're just running a meeting? No, no, no.
This is the performance of your life.
Why don't you just privately in your own head think of it like a meeting? Jim, please, no loopholes.
Mike, why do you have to control how he perceives it in his mind? This is my last Dundies ever.
If I want mind control over him, is that too much to ask? Me, mo, me, mo.
Now tell me something terrible that happened in your childhood.
When I was very young, my mother divorced my father and I had to go to court to choose between them.
Too personal.
I don't wanna hear about that stuff.
Let's try this, put this on.
I am going to turn this on.
And turn the volume all the way up so you can't-- That's right! You're not going to be able to hear yourself.
Read this and it's going to sound perfect.
"The Dundies are com-- "All about coming together! "And recognizing the indomitability of the human spirit!" Say it with an accent.
- "The Dundies--" - The Dundies! - The Dundies! I just don't understand the desire to push sweet potato fries on me.
I just want regular fries.
Hey, Erin, everything okay? Get away from the car.
He's gonna see you.
Who's gonna see us? Just get in, get in.
Just get in.
Get in the car? Please! Sorry.
Get in.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
What's wrong? I eat lunch in the car now.
It's my alone time.
It's just nice to have some time away from Gabe.
Why don't you want to eat lunch with your boyfriend? I really don't like spending time with him.
Don't you think it's better to tell him the truth now, you know, rather than waste more of his time? - I think I'm gonna go.
- What? - I think you got this.
- Okay.
- Okay? - Yeah.
- All right? - Okay.
- Feel better.
- Thank you, Jim.
I'm sorry, that just wasn't interesting to me.
I can't just dump him, Pam.
I'm not like you.
I can't be mean.
- Wait, when am I-- You just have to be clear and firm.
You know, just tell him you don't love him.
Just be honest with him.
- Hi.
- Appalling.
Surprisingly adequate.
Okay, everyone, the festivities commence in four seconds.
Deangelo, Jo's on the phone for you.
Hello? Deangelo, we're in serious horse manure here.
The Dundies are tonight, and we ain't got no host.
Oh, no! Luckily, I have someone for you.
- Billy crystal? - Better.
Neil Patrick Harris? He's in little shop of horrors on Broadway.
No, we need Michael Scott, the best darn Dundies host both sides of the Mississippi.
I gotta find Michael Scott.
Hmm, and then I gotta Get him to the Dundies! Hey, can you help me find Michael Scott, Angela? My boyfriend can.
He's a state senator.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, no, he can't help, because that title has no meaning.
Try Jim, Deangelo.
He'll be able to help.
Jim, do you know where I can find Michael Scott? Oh, I totally don't know where Michael is, dude.
Hey, you want to listen to some records? No one's listening to me! I'm running out of time.
What-- What are you talking about? I've fallen and I can't get up.
Maybe I just need to look into my heart.
Deangelo, where is Michael Scott? I'm here.
In a good way.
I've been here the whole time.
The analytical part of me wants to examine it.
But I know it has no content.
Ladies and gentlemen, please stand up for your co-host of the evening, Michael Gary Scott.
Please remain standing for your other co-host and new manager, Deangelo Jeremetrius Vickers! Is that part of the-- Hey.
Deangelo, what are you doing? There's a live audience out there.
Just go do it by yourself, or get Ryan.
No, Ryan would never do it.
It's too on the radar.
Look, look.
The boss hosts the Dundies.
It's sort of our perk.
This was not part of the job description.
Okay, listen to me.
You're not doing this for me.
You're not doing this for you.
You're not even doing this for them.
What am I doing it for? You're doing it for all those kids out there eating off the Louie Volpe's kids' menu, who are wondering, "does it get better?" What I want you to do is I want you to say "it's showtime.
" Get out there.
I can't.
- Say it.
- Stop hitting me.
You can do it.
Just say it.
Hit me again.
Now hit me.
One, two, three.
It's showtime.
All right, here we go.
Okay, okay, sorry about the delay, everybody.
But we were at the DMV waiting in line.
Fall asleep right after sex, huh, guys? Nope.
Go back to the script.
There are a lot of great salesmen in this office.
But one of our great salesmen is also a great dad, and a close personal friend of mine.
Jim Halpert, best dad Dundie! Wow, I do not parent for the awards, but I gotta tell you, it feels pretty good.
Um, Cece, if you're watching this at home, it's way past your bedtime.
By the way, how did this get televised? Thanks.
- Well done.
- I don't know.
Maybe being a good dad is just following your own compass.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Thank you.
Didn't think to mention me, huh? Didn't I? Which moves us to best mom Dundie.
This person, well, I guess we all sort of consider a mom around the office-- Meredith Palmer! I'll tell you one thing, I'm not gonna be a good mom tonight.
Excuse me.
Can I get a photo of the best mom and the best dad, please? Step on up.
Well, I gotta go do this.
Why? Big smiles, folks.
There they are.
Year after year, I catch a lot of flak on this particular award, because year after year, I present this award to a guy instead of a girl.
Hottest in the office goes to Danny Cordray! How do I feel about not winning hottest in the office this year? Um, I'm very relieved.
How do you-- How do you judge something like that? What is his criteria even? It's-- It's so subjective.
Stanley Hudson is a grump.
Everybody knows that.
But did you know that Stanley Hudson is also the face of a debilitating disease known as diabetes.
The diabetes award goes to Stanley Hudson! Come on up here, you sick bastard.
We're proud of you.
I have diabetes too, but you don't see me making a big deal about it.
They say he's going to be my right-hand man.
Ad lib masturbation joke.
I hate this.
I hate it so much.
Dwight Shrute, please accept this promising assistant manager Dundie.
Thank you.
Thanks so much.
Um, I want to dedicate this award to something that, uh, we take for granted in our daily lives.
And that is the humble trash can.
This is for you, trash can! Who gave you those crayons? I brought them from home.
Do you have a red? This is a cloth tablecloth.
You can't color on it.
Oh, really? Did you know herpes affects one out of every five sexually active adults? Pippi Longstocking.
Ronald McDonald's wife.
Ron Howard.
Ron Weasley.
What do they all have in common? Redheads.
Erin Hannon Come on up here to receive your cutest redhead in the office award! This is bull! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! This is the first award I've ever won in my entire life.
People were right about the Dundies.
They are magical.
But I don't feel it, and I think that's because I'm not with the right person.
Gabe - What? - We should break up.
What? I'm not attracted to you.
I just--I cringe when you talk.
I have to be honest.
Right? Right, Pam? Thank you for hearing me.
Okay, well, this is embarrassing.
Um, I'm obviously really angry at Erin.
Here comes that quarter-life crisis everyone's talking about.
All right, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go.
Let's-- There you go.
Damn, that was cold.
It is difficult to recognize the person who will be replacing you.
But he is a good guy.
So the Michael Scott award for best Dundies host goes to Deangelo Vickers.
Speech, speech, speech, speech! Hold on.
Hold on one second.
Crank it.
I want to--I want-- I feel truly blessed, uh, to be working with all of you.
You know, before this all started, uh, funny story, I was in the bathroom vomiting and vomiting.
The men's room.
That's why it's been shut down for most of the evening.
That's it! This is important.
He's expressing himself.
- No.
- Hosts don't get Dundies.
This-- This is truly special for me And, uh, anyway, it's so much lighter! - We're done.
- That's it.
- Michael, are we-- What? - We're done.
We're done.
My last Dundies ever.
I was hoping it would be more like Godfather III.
That wrapped up the whole franchise in an extremely satisfying way.
But instead, it is Godfather I.
That was very confusing, had maybe three big laughs Oh, well.
Hey, Michael.
We were thinking maybe we could keep this thing going.
What? I know I'm the cause of this royal screw-up, but I would like to see the show go on.
No, don't.
You're being too hard on yourself.
We had a very truncated rehearsal time.
Let's grab some ice cream, go back to the office, and finish what we started.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
So what you're saying is you kinda liked it.
I've fallen and I can't get up! The Phyllis bit, that was pretty good, right? - I don't know that we need to dissect it all right now-- - But that got a big laugh.
- It did.
That actually got a big laugh.
We were laughing, right? I was.
Oh, you know what, I have to go to the bathroom.
We're really close.
You know, I can just run over to the gas station there.
We should just wait here and not get good seats in the conference room? That's true, we wouldn't get seats together.
Okay, yeah.
I'll hold it.
I'm fine.
You know, despite a couple hiccups, I thought that went very well.
I thought it was the worst Dundies I've ever been to.
Maybe you should have won the kind of a bitch award.
Oh, gladly, I'd accept that award, because a bitch is a female dog.
What? What are you doing? Please don't stop so suddenly.
Seatbelt's pressing on my bladder.
Why are you even wearing a seatbelt? You're sitting in the back seat, baby.
What is your problem? I just don't see the point to the Dundies, okay? The jokes were terrible, the venue was bad, the fashion was boring-- Okay, that-- That is unfair.
The clothing was safe but tasteful.
And next time, why don't you pick a co-host that doesn't have microphone-aphobia.
Look, whatever you're going to do, how long is it gonna take? Ballpark? 'Cause I just-- I've gotta make a decision here.
He-- He is in an all-out sprint.
Please, excuse me.
Here, okay.
By his own admission, this person actually tried marijuana in college, so the doobie-doobie pothead stoner of the year award goes to Andy Bernard! There's a lot of people I'd like to thank.
But I think we all actually want to thank you, Michael.
Oh, thank you.
I mean, we actually really all want to thank you for everything.
Oh, my God, something's happening.
we actually sat down and did the math that's how many minutes that you've worked here email forwards you made us read that's like watchidie hard I forgive you for kissing me oh, you got to remember to call love is a gift from up above yeah yeah you got to remember to call yeah, okay.
Well, this is gonna hurt like a mother.
Suffer from extreme repulsiveness.
Someone in our midst is bringing that problem to light.
Toby Flenderson, please come up here and accept the extreme repulsiveness award.
Oh, that's so mean.
No, it's fine.
It's his last Dundies.
You gotta play along, man.
Come on, Toby.
Here he comes! All right.
You deserved it.
I really disagree with this.
I think it's kind of hateful.
Although I am a little happy right now to have a platform to talk about the outcome of a case that I was recently a juror on, The Scranton strangler.
A man's being put to death.
I was part of the verdict, and I'm not so sure he's guilty anymore.