The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Spooked

Approved! from South park! It's genius! I'm I decided to prescreen all the Halloween costumes this year.
I've three simple rules.
Don't be offensive, don't be cliche, and don't take the first two rules too seriously.
The gorilla from Rise of the Planet of the Apes.
The one who sacrifices his life.
Oh! Wow.
Spoiler alert! It's been out for ages, man.
Costume vetoed.
Yeahlt's, uh Somebody's already called that.
Who? Kevin has a gorilla suit you could borrow.
This is ridiculous.
Why can't there just be two Kate Middletons? Guys, I know.
I mean, I wish there could be too.
It's likeI can't choose.
They're both amazing, it's just-- look, I stayed up all night, and I watched that GD wedding, and then I came to work and I made everyone else watch it all day.
Meredith wasn't even here.
Because I was there.
"You're the people's princess! Diana was nothing!" I thought you were at your sister's funeral.
What I said was, "my sister's funeral is this weekend.
" Didn't say I'd be there.
Why is it such a shock that I follow the royal story? Warms my heart, thinking about them two kids Doin' it.
Um Can I maybe squeeze through the There you go.
There we go.
Thank you.
When they talk about all the nice things about dating a coworker, they don't mention one of the best parts.
After you're done dating, you still get to work together every single day.
Jim, put it on.
Put it on, man.
I don't know if I can.
Come on.
The three amigos.
- Three kings.
- All right.
I know, I know, I know.
But Darryl and Kevin needed a third.
They bought me this Jersey.
I said no.
Kevin started crying, so I am Chris Bosh.
If you get into season one, then you'll really-- Oh, my God.
What the hell is wrong with you? It's called a costume.
What are you, some kind of Jamaican zombie woman? Ryan, will you please tell her who I am? Whoopi Goldberg.
Has no one here heard of Kerrigan? From Starcraft? Queen of blades? It's all Toby's fault.
Every Halloween, I tell him the same thing.
You can't bring weapons into the office.
And every year, he says the same thing.
"Soon as I get my weapons back, I'm gonna kill you.
" But there I am at Thanksgiving, alive, you know? I'm the lucky turkey.
Everybody looking good? This is-- this is the best we can do? I'm not judging, I I think you guys look great.
I justWanna make sure.
This is the best we can do? I just got a text from Broccoli Rob--"boo!" It scared me.
And then I got this text from Robert California-- "looking forward to Halloween party.
Expectations are high.
" Scared the [Bleep] out of me.
Good day, pamaroo.
Could you shoot this off for me? - Yeah.
- Australian accent.
What are you doing? Oh, I just wanted to see how you do it.
If you're doing something I don't.
Oh.
- Are you-- - That Andy.
So hot and cold.
One day, he's like, "fax these documents, please.
" Then the next, he's like, "Pam, you fax them.
Who cares what Erin's feeling?" - Right? - Oh, Erin.
Pam, how would you rate me as a receptionist on a scale of one to three? UmTwo? That's, like, the second to last thing I wanted to hear.
No, I mean, you're doing great.
And Andy put you in charge of the whole party, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah! Send completed.
You are the best in the biz.
I can't deny.
Bob and I are doing the Scranton Haunted walking tour.
I always wondered what kind of people went on that thing.
Oh, hey, if you go by the Banshee Pub, tell the man in black I say hello.
What happened, Pam? Okay, when I was 22, I worked there, and everybody said the place was haunted.
I didn't believe it, until one day, before we opened, I look up into the mirror, you know, behind the bar, and I see this old man dressed all in black.
But when I turn around, there's no one there.
- Oh! - So I tell the cook my story-- Wait, they have food there? And he said, "that's what everyone sees.
That's the man in black.
" No.
My wife does not believe in ghosts.
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, this "man in black" thing.
What do you think that was about? What do you mean? Was it, like, trickery in the lights, or maybe you were so primed to see it, then there it was.
I saw a ghost.
Mm-hmm.
No, but what I'm saying is, like, - do you ever wonder what it was? - It was a ghost.
I told you this on, like, our first date.
Yeah, I had just told you about the day that I met the blue angels.
I figured you had to top it.
I don't know what to tell you, Jim, but I saw a ghost.
Hey! Uh-oh, looks like we're under a Jack attack.
Yes, Andrew.
And you, on this day of fantasy, areA laborer.
Yes.
Everyone, this is Bert, my son.
Bert, this is A paper company.
Hey, Bert.
Hello.
Can I use a computer? I need to check a hurricane.
Here, use this one.
Ah, look.
"Pin the wart on the witch.
" How did you know I was bringing my son? Oh, I didn't.
It was for us.
But he can play.
Bertie-boy, would you like to play this game? That stuff's for babies.
Well, perhaps this party will awaken the baby in all of us.
Wow, who shot our grownup party with a kiddie ray gun? We're still getting it set up.
It's gonna be really cool.
Extraordinary.
Did you plan this? Well, Toby and I did, yeah.
And I overheard, and thought, "hey, that'd be fun.
Don't mind if I do.
" If you turn out the lights, we'll do a little dance.
A-one, two, three! Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones Now we're the skeleton crew Delightful.
Thank you.
Now, then, how are we today? - Fine.
- Great.
Just fine, Kelly? Everything all right? - Mm-hmm.
You feeling fulfilled in your life? - I guess.
- You guess? So there is something you want that you do not have.
I try not to think about it.
Because it's too terrifying to imagine.
Now we're cookin'.
What is it, Kelly? What is this great fear of yours? - Never marrying.
- Yes.
Dying alone, that is very scary.
And how are you, Toby? So great.
Oh, I put those up.
I know.
I'm taking them down.
I almost wonder if putting nothing on this wall-- This is more halloweeny.
I don't know about this, guys.
Andy put me in charge of the Halloween party, so Well, Andy sent us in here, so which is it? Oh.
So can we speak our minds now, or are we still sparing feelings? Because I hate all of this.
Very low pressure in the Sargasso sea.
Warm air from South America.
Cold air from Greenland.
All signs point to the perfect storm.
Yeah, perfectly mediocre.
What are you anyway? I'm a Jamaican zombie woman.
Leave me alone, ghoul.
If you had some really big wings with blades on the end, you'd kind of look like Kerrigan from Starcraft.
I am Kerrigan from Starcraft, I've been censored.
If you're gonna be a Zerg, at least be a lurker, not some girl.
Kerrigan is ruler of the Zerg Swarm! Yeah, she also has boobs.
Yeah, but no nipples.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's up? November's sure creeping up, ain't it? Can't stop that month.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, what's the jive with Angela and Phyllis helping with the party, you know? UmI just thought you could use some help.
You know, 'cause Robert came in and thought the party seemed a little kiddie, and I guess I agreed.
And maybe we could mix a little more 13 into the PG.
- But that's it? - Hmm? There's nothing about me, orI? Uh, can we talk about it at the end of the day? I got a call.
Gotta make a call.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Yes, we can.
Yes.
I don't know.
Hmm? - Gabe.
- Sweetheart.
I'm throwing the Halloween party, and I just want to amp it up a little.
I think it could use someExtra pizzazz.
Okay, where does Gabe factor in? Remember that Halloween party you took me to once? The one where I started crying as soon as I walked in, and I didn't stop crying? Yes.
Lars and Takako's.
Okay, well let's say I wanted this party to be a tiny, tiny bit like that one.
Just more adult, more scary and sexy.
I will make this sexier than you could ever imagine.
No, just scary.
If we wanted ideas for scary stuff.
Oh, that'd be scary.
What are you thinking about? All right, let me go get it.
Pam Halpert.
Hey, it's Jim Halpert.
I was wondering if you wanted to see a movie tonight, 'cause I've read a lot about this really great documentary.
Is it called Ghostbusters? - It's called Ghostbusters.
- Yeah.
It didn't look like that.
He didn't have a Buster sign around him? Why don't you draw him? Why don't we see this old man? Okay.
Yeah.
Fine.
I'll draw him.
Okay.
I ain't afraid of no ghosts.
- Whoa.
- Mm-hmm.
Dwight, are you eating a stick? - It's a root, idiot.
- Okay.
Everyone hates you.
That's really rude.
I don't tell you hurricanes suck even though it's true.
What do you like, tornados? - Try influenza.
- Oh, yeah? What's the vaccine you could take to avoid a hurricane? Open up a newspaper.
Oh, look, a hurricane's coming.
Suppose you're gonna tell me the scariest animal is a shark.
Try a box jellyfish.
What are we talking about? I was talking about my wife, and how she believes in ghosts.
And then we had a little debate, and then Meredith said that she believes in them too.
You seem unimpressed.
Ghosts don't scare you? I'm only scared of real things, like serial killers and kidnappers.
Not things that don't exist, like ghosts or mummies.
Mummies are real.
There are mummies at museums.
- Ha.
Yeah.
You-- - Prank.
- It's true.
They've been preserved for thousands of years, they're all over.
Why on earth would a museum put a mummy in it? I grew this party up real fast.
Get out of here, little kid party.
Nobody loves you.
And clean up your room.
Grown-ups are gonna use it later.
Party looks fun, doesn't it? Everybody seems to be in there having a great time.
So maybe now would be a great time for me to pop back on the computer-- I'm using it.
I'm about to play Starcraft with him.
Are you serious? Yeah, I'm serious.
It's funny.
Okay.
- Loser.
- Yeah.
Pam, do you think anyone's gonna notice I've worn this costume before when I wasn't pregnant? You know, I guess nobody would believe it still fits.
Hey, guys, I'm an Oscar Liar Weiner.
Oh, my God.
Party's tight, E.
The fog is cool.
Thanks.
It's on medium.
Perfect.
It really looks great.
You did a great job.
Oh, so we don't have to have that talk.
We should still have that talk.
Maybe you could come by my office at, like, 4:45? Cool.
Okay.
Ahem.
Okay, everybody.
Be prepared To be scared.
Okay.
Okay.
The cinema of the unsettling is a growing film movement.
The most well known film in the genre is an hour long shot of a squirrel with diarrhea.
Is that my grandmother? - What's the story? - There is no story.
Yeah, seems like there isn't a narrative.
Maybe the filmmaker realized that even narrative is comforting.
What the hell is going on here? Okay, I think we've seen enough, you--you can turn it off now.
Enough.
Yeah, kill it.
Go ahead and turn it off.
Thank you.
How'd you get in my car? Where is this from? That is so upsetting.
That was awful.
Robert, I apologize.
I'm sorry.
I got confused.
I heard that you wanted to make the party more adult, but I think I know what to do now.
This game is called pecker poker.
It's the game of cards that gets you har-- What we have here is a classic misunderstanding.
Why didn't you simply ask Andy to clarify? Asking is a very easy thing to do.
The two of you are obviously very close.
Oh, I see.
This no longer seems like my business.
UmAll I knew is that you wanted to have a talk with me at the end of the day, and I got nervous, so You were gonna talk at the end of-- I'm not here.
Did you think I was gonna fire you? No, I wasn't.
I'm sorry, this must be really uncomfortable for you.
I'm never uncomfortable.
Mm-kay.
Erin, I think you know I've been dating someone.
Sure.
And it's getting a little more serious.
She's never come by, so Yeah, she's never called here.
Unless it's your mom.
No, I didn't want her to call 'cause I thought it would be weird, but Now it's weird that she's not calling.
Two dates? Three dates? Wow.
I'm so happy for you guys.
Um, let me know when you get to 40.
I'll see you guys.
I should go.
I just don't give a *, I mean, you're a rational person.
Jim doesn't let me wash his NFL Jersey during the playoffs, how is this any less logical? Careful.
Whoa.
First of all, it's not like I think that's gonna help the Eagles win.
- Really.
- No.
That is just a bunch of people participating in a collective thing that maybe the eagles will hear about and wanna play better.
It's not-- - Exactly.
- Thank you.
Go.
Get up there right now.
- Got it.
- Dwight.
You wanna attack, or let them come to us.
Your call, B.
- Unleash the hell storm.
- Dwight.
- Nice.
- Dwight! - Got him.
Go! - Yes! Is she Asian? I don't know.
She's from somewhere, I bet.
- Maybe from the forest.
- Forest? Did Andy say his girlfriend's from the forest? I don't know, Phyllis.
Maybe she's from the city.
Looks terribly real, doesn't it, creed? - No.
- Are you scared of snakes? You don't live as long as I have without a healthy fear of snakes, Bobby.
Yeah, I guess sometimes I have nightmares about being buried alive.
Honestly? Jim gives me the creeps.
What am I up to? Like, a few years down the road, Cece says, "mom, there's a ghost in my closet.
" Now you say one of two things.
One-- You're just having a bad dream, or two-- Let's go see what it wants.
I'm not gonna freak her out, Jim.
Okay.
I'm not gonna lie to her, either.
Oh, come on! When I was a boy, there was an empty house just up the hill from my family's.
It was rumored a man committed suicide there after being possessed by the devil.
One day, a young woman, Lydia, moved into the house with her infant child.
That very night, Lydia was awakened by a loud, heinous hissing sound.
She walked to the nursery, and there in baby's crib was a snake wrapped around baby's neck, squeezing tighter and tighter.
- Oh, my goodness.
- The crib was full of dirt.
Baby struggled to free itself from underneath, reaching and clawing, gasping for air.
Embalmed bodies rose from their sarcophagi, lurching toward baby - For they were mummies.
- No! Amongst them, was a man.
- Tall, slim - Jim.
Almost instinctively, she turned to her husband.
"Oh, wait," she thought.
"I don't have a husband.
" For Lydia and her husband had had an argument, one they couldn't get past.
Each night, they slept one inch farther apart, until one night, Lydia left.
It was about this time she lost herself in imaginary worlds.
She had quit the book club, the choir, citing something about their high expectations.
Her lips slowly grew together from disuse.
Every time she wanted to act and didn't, another part of her face hardened until it was stone.
And that fevered night, she rushed to the nursery, and threw open the door.
"Baby, are you okay?" Baby sat up slowly, turned to mother, and said "I'm fine, bitch.
I'm fine.
" Fear plays an interesting role in our lives.
How dare we let it motivate us? How dare we let it into our decision-making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships? It's funny, isn't it, we take a day a year to dress up in costume and celebrate fear? - Toby? - Oh, hey, Bert.
Wanna see the dance? - ? Dem bones, dem bones, dem--? - You're fired.
What? You heard me.
Pack your things.
What? You can't Gabe, are you? I'm the CEO's son.
Pack your things.
You're done.