The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Doomsday

Hey, everybody! It's closing time! You all gotta go home but you can stay here.
Closing time Every office needs an end of the day tradition.
Something that tells you that the day is over.
Otherwise, you go home and the night just feels like more day, it's weird.
- Closing time - Tell me that you're okay.
One last call so finish your whiskey and beer Oh, my boss is singing closing time.
Maybe that's what you're hearing.
- Come on, Pam! - Okay.
Closing time time for you to go home to the places you will be from Let's see.
Andy has been manager for 105 days.
Which means I've heard closing time Still don't know the words.
Ah wah dah wah home and home and home I know who I want to take me home I know who I want to take home I know who I want to take home take me home You know what? Fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys, but if you don't wanna sing, no traditions! Closing time every new beginning I never heard that song before.
And once I heard it, I did not care for it.
But that songs means it's time to go home.
Now it's my favorite song.
every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end Good night.
- Who's your favorite iron chef? - This report is atrocious.
You go first.
The ticketing software paints a picture of a sloppy, careless, error-prone office.
Well, the monitoring software is a double-edged sword.
- Sometimes the infer-- - Sorry.
Go ahead.
Did you need something from us? Yes.
Your attention.
Uh, because No.
That is all.
Last night, I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world.
The vice president had all the power, athletes fought for silver medals.
Women were considered the best gender.
And stadiums of fans shouted "we're number 2!" As with all my dreams, I'm guessing it was about my fear of immigrants.
Last week, an accounting mistake resulted in a client getting their order for free.
Oof! That's not good.
Chalk that one up to tweedle Dee and tweedle dum out there.
Who are they? They're both Kevin.
Oscar is the sex and the city gang.
And Angela, if you can picture-- Sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all.
I would agree with that.
Simply end the mistakes.
End the mistakes.
When I come back next week and this report show me no mistakes, we can talk about names all day.
Our favorite names, silly made-up names, normal names said in a silly voice.
Wouldn't that be nice? - I would like that.
- End the mistakes.
That's all I ask.
And you can't have a favorite iron chef.
It depends entirely on the secret ingredient.
Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all.
I'm just saying with the NBA lock-out, I think roller derby's in a really good place right now.
So my pitch is me, Pam, you, and someone else-- - Maybe justine.
- Bah! Nope.
Not justine.
Never justine.
- Is that off again? - Oh, yeah.
- Okay.
- Hey.
Mandatory warehouse safety meeting today.
Uh, we don't really do those.
We just sign the thing.
Are you really this lazy? I'll be there.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Mondays suck.
I'm just trying to-- Thanks.
I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem.
This is a project I've been working on for quite some time.
And today might be the day to use it.
What do you got? Allow me.
You're gonna love this.
Ah, I should've used a shorter string.
Never mind.
I know it by heart.
It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work.
Sounds controversial.
Have I not been worthy of your trust? Have I not been a reliable number two? Do not go there! You're the deuce I never wanna drop.
Well, I can make this work.
I'll set it up right now.
I just need your go-ahead.
Go do the voodoo and you do so well.
- I will do my voodoo.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I need you to get the paperwork rolling on a new workplace relationship.
- For you? - Yes, for Gabe.
Who are you seeing? That's great.
Whom I'm seeing is Val from down in the warehouse.
I'm not technically seeing her, but I've seen her-- with the eyes-- and there was attraction in at least one direction.
So You know, I don't have to do paperwork unless you're actually dating.
Okay, well, once this starts, it's gonna be moving fast.
It's gonna be hot and heavy, and I don't want a bunch of bureaucratic red tape wrapped around my jock, you know? But I mean, have you talked to her? Yeah, we had a whole conversation about mondays.
Do you know her last name yet? Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow because she's gonna be screaming it tonight.
She's gonna be screaming her own last name? Hey.
Watch it.
Good luck, Gabe.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
I just wanna say that you all - have been doing amazing work, really.
- Thank you.
And I'd like to add that your work has been a little sloppy.
So Dwight and I have implemented a new program that we like to call-- Dwight? The accountability booster.
It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office, from a late delivery to an accounting error.
Five strikes in a day equals a homerun.
One home run and you're out.
If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens, like we block mindsweeper.
Or in this case, an email gets sent to Robert California containing the consultant's report from last year.
Remember the one that recommended the branch be shut down? And as a failsafe also every negative email you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.
What emails are you talking about? "Robert's favorite songs, Creep by TLC, Creep by Radiohead.
" Remember that one, Jim? Uh, "there's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper.
" Oscar.
"He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappoint him.
" Kelly.
That's not that bad actually.
We should kill him.
" Wait, so you installed a doomsday device? No, it's an accountability booster.
Which when it goes off, it destroys everything very similar to a doomsday device.
Jim, you're trying to make me sound like some kind of evil maniac.
The point is is that we are now working in an environment where we have accountability to each other.
I am confident that you guys are equal to the task.
- Um, no, we're not.
- No.
And you are a psycho who is ruining our lives.
We can't do this, Dwight.
Look around.
Smile and nod.
They're making me out to be a Bond villain.
I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist who will stop nothing to remake the world Like Not Dr.
Someone good.
Not them.
Doctor Are you sure that this is a good idea? I mean, that thing about this office is we make a lot of mistakes.
But the device will change that.
Without a safety net, people will improve.
All right, everybody.
Looks like we need to be getting to work.
Be extra careful, double check everything.
Or the accountability booster will getcha.
This doomsday device sounds like a scare tactic to me.
There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham.
We just make a mistake.
I'll send an order down to shipping before we've received payment.
Oh! There's one mistake.
Now we only have four strikes left until a homerun.
Dwight's our co-worker and he worked really hard on this doomsday device.
It's not a doomsday device.
Gosh! We can do this, you guys.
- First! - Second.
It's not a race.
Thirrr-- Third.
Who knows what the belt is for? It's for protecting my ass when you suckers lift more than you can handle.
I'm Gabe.
Don't be nervous.
Apparently, we have a visitor.
- Gabe, everyone.
- Hi, Gabe! All right, so the support belt.
Now this one is mine.
Doesn't get much use nowadays.
Look at this.
This is enormous.
I got the sense that Val enjoys a good put-down.
Considering that's the only thing I know about her, I will be milking that hard.
It's like a hula hoop.
Right? Mele kalikimaka is Hawaii's way You done? The Michelin man called.
He wants his cummerbund back.
Remember we have to give Regal Escrow their refund by five.
I'm on it.
Kevin, maybe I should handle that.
We really need you to focus on your project.
Good thinking.
Apparently a big client for this company needs to know the story of how paper gets made.
Oscar, use a calculator.
When the stake are this high, there's only one computer that I trust, and it's powered by thai food and spanish reds.
All right, everybody, you're doing great! Well, I wouldn't say that.
Three mistakes already is pretty terrible.
But I do see improvement.
Meredith kept someone on hold for 30 minutes, and now look-- She's hard at work.
- Dwight, question.
- No questions.
If this doomsday device goes off-- Accountability booster.
If this bad idea goes off and we all lose our jobs, are you gonna feel good about that? I haven't even considered it.
That's how sure I am that this accountability booster is gonna work.
Try mose 1234.
Dwight would never be that obvious.
Try something like, um, z64$8.
Not that exactly, Jim.
Something like that.
How about "Scranton strangler 666"? - Nope.
- No? Oh.
You guys are never gonna shut down the machine, okay? But I appreciate your energy and your teamwork.
You apply this to your regular work, you won't even notice that the device is there, watching you, ready to strike.
What's Dwight's mother's name? Um, Hedda.
Once you've ready the packet, sign the back.
Hey, Darryl, I was thinking, um, maybe while we read through this, uh, you could grab us all some coffee.
My treat.
A $100 bill.
Should cover it, I think.
Don't bring me any of that caramel soy latte crap, okay? I want a decaf frappuccino.
Val? Actually, Val, why don't you come with? I'll need the extra hands to carry them back.
- Yeah.
- Uh Mm-hmm.
Caramel soy latte.
- No, a decaf frap.
- Got it.
You sent the late notice to Rinehart and Wolfe, right? Mm-hmm.
670, 620.
- Uh-uh.
- Yes.
Oh, no.
What does this mean? What does it mean? Guh.
That's five strikes.
Well, I was saving this for my retirement, which I guess is today.
Dwight, we got five strikes.
Really? Did the email go out, or--? It goes out automatically at 5:00 P.
There's got to be a way to stop it.
Well, I would have to enter my password in order to cancel it.
Dwight, you may now enter your password.
- No.
- What? You don't deserve to have this branch.
Five mistakes in less than a day? We did our best.
No, you didn't, Phyllis.
You complained the whole time.
You yelled at me, you tried to break into the machine.
What? You're a real crumb bum, you know that? Hey, you can't just change the rules because you don't like the outcome.
What about you, Kevin? What about you and your fake task? Can you tell me now where paper comes from? UhThe man tree puts his penis-- Okay, all right.
Andy, back me up here please.
- No.
- What? No! Dwight, be human for once.
Shut down the machine.
Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut down the machine! Shut it down! Good luck finding a new job, idiots.
I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference.
Glowingly negative.
Dwight's car is gone.
I bet he went home.
Some of us should go there and try to talk some sense into him.
Get him to stop that email.
Pam, you should come with me.
Dwight really likes you andYour breasts are enormous.
That can help us.
- Kevin has that lovability.
- Guys, come on.
I'm right here.
Jim, I want you to go find Robert.
Just be where he is in case that email goes out at 5:00.
You can try to delete it or something.
Okay, where is he? He's at some club where you either eat squash or play squash.
I'll try both.
Did you come to reason with me? Got you something.
And, uh, I just really wanna talk to you.
Get lost.
Well, now hold on.
What are you doing? What does it look like I'm doing? Digging a grave for a horse.
Um Do you need a hand? Yeah, you need a hand? If you hit another horse, you dug too far.
I'll see you next week, Will.
Robert? Jim, what are you-- What a surprise! Yeah, well, you know, just had a meeting-- Squash meeting.
Yeah? You up for a game? A game or a match? Exactly.
Here we go.
Let's do it.
Are you okay, Kevin? Where you going? In.
I'm hungry.
Uh, could we come in too? Just for some water? Okay.
Take off your shoes.
Except you, Kevin.
They stay on.
Oh, wow.
I forgot how pretty your house is.
This is the newest addition built by Erasmus Schrute in 1808.
It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.
That's too much doodle and not enough lab.
Yeah, when are they gonna do a labradoodle that's just lab? That's what I'm saying.
- You're welcome.
- Thanks for the coffee.
So tonight I was thinking I'm gonna go to the cemetery, I'm gonna drink a little wine, and I thought maybe you'd like to come with me.
Are you asking me on a date? Yes, I am.
Because I don't date coworkers.
It's not personal.
It's a matter of policy.
I could quit.
Problem solved.
Don't quit.
Good policy.
It's sensible, smart.
All right, serving.
Serving, serving, serving.
- In the box.
- In the box.
Why haven't we heard anything? It's 4:45.
There's only 15 minutes left.
Oh, now you can do math? Where were you two hours ago, beautiful mind? I made a mistake.
I'm sorry! I know how to save the company, everyone.
Just write a petition.
Get everyone's signature, including our clients.
March down to Florida And shove it up your butt.
It's not that funny.
Oh, Pam, you got something on your shirt.
Oh! Oh, well.
Pobody's nerfect, right? Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's nobody's perfect.
Nice stroke, Pam.
No, it's a jokey saying.
Pobody's nerfect? Like, I can't even say those words right.
I haven't heard that before.
That's-- that's funny.
Dwight, there's just the small matter of-- You know what would go so great with this cabbage pie? Milk.
Any specific animal? - I'm thinking cow.
- Don't say cow.
What are you doing? It's five to five.
Just don't talk about the email, okay? He's gonna cancel it on his own.
- I really think he will.
- That's insane.
Just trust me.
Trust you like I trusted Dwight this morning? I got this.
Thanks for everything.
Sive drafely.
Isn't it supposed to be drive safely? Is that my phone? Sounded like mine.
No, I think it's mine.
Let me just check real quick.
All right.
Oh, it's mine.
You took it out of my bag.
- Can I have it? - Yes.
- Right now? - Yes.
- Here you go.
- Whoa, no, wait, wait, whoa! - Oh, man, I'm sorry.
- What the [Bleep]? - Sorry.
- Jesus.
Did it break? - No, it's good.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
- What kinda iPhone is that? It's the standard one.
The one everyone has.
Oh, yeah, I have the one that nobody has.
Anything interesting? It depends, Jim.
Do you find one-day only Jetblue sales to Buffalo interesting? No, I don't.
All right.
WellI am sore, and obviously horrible at this.
My serve! Dwight stopped the device.
He stopped it! Oh, we still have our jobs.
They're not my favorite people in the world.
I wouldn't even call them friends.
They come over here, eat my pie, dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen.
God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't I? Just take it easy.
Nice and easy.
Ah! Classic, right? - Ooh.
- I'm all right.
- You all right? - Yep.
- Skinned knee.
- Yep.
Put a little ice on that maybe.
- That does not feel good.
- Okay, my serve.