The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Tallahassee

Today is the first day of Sabre's new project: Develop a chain of retail stores.
I am meeting my new boss, Nellie Bertram.
Head of Special Projects.
Work starts at 9:00.
Sabre HQ is 30 minutes away, driving the speed limit.
Giving everyone 20 minutes to shower, plus 50 for Jim to style his hair, between her room and the lobby, We're already 20 minutes late.
Wake up! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wake up! Ah! Why are you sleeping that way? Oh.
I was reading the mattress tag, and I fell asleep.
Stanley! Wake up! You've got to wake up, the hotel's on fire! Stanley, wake up, it's pretzel day! Mmm! Good morning.
Hey, wake up.
Let's have some fun.
We're in Florida now.
Hey, you.
I'm so glad this is happening.
I actually came to your door twice last night.
Come on in, the water's fine.
I am on the two kid sleep schedule, so I'm up and at 'em at 4:15, but no kids, so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself, and then I thought of something.
Uh-- He-e-ere's Dwi-- What the--? - Oh, man.
- What do you think happened? Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It wasn't me.
I gotta find Luwanda at the Alcohol Club.
Oh.
- Puppet.
- Cool, for your kids? Yeah.
It's weird being away from them.
Never done this before.
Attention, Dunder Mifflin Group.
Proceed outside.
The vehicle is waiting.
Seats have been assigned.
Shotgun goes to Ryan.
Congratulations, Ryan.
I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today.
First impressions get locked in forever.
When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way.
Since then I've loved working with Pam, and she's frankly wonderful, but I hate her.
I'll have a bottle of the antacid.
Also, I want to get a souvenir for my son, but his mother doesn't acknowledge my paternity.
Do you have anything for that? Also, I want it to have a Florida feel.
- What does he like? - Power.
Okay, and this one is, "Huh, don't see too many museums around here.
" Okay, Twiggy, that's enough.
Get in the car.
Hey, are you okay? I'm fine, okay? It's just stress.
You know, 'cause I care about this project.
And frankly, the fact that none of you are vomiting or diarrheal right now I find very alarming.
Who says none of us are diarrheal? Are you sure it's stress? Because I did poison you.
Very funny, Jim.
Oh, no, I'm serious.
I was thinking, "For this trip I have to do something epic, so what should that be?" And then I thought of it.
I'll poison you.
What are you gonna do? You gonna steal my newspaper, or put a cricket in my cereal, or something? I'm gonna set your face on fire.
That's a good one.
Whoa, Stanley.
Did you just come back from burning down a rival nightclub? Laugh it up, Halpert.
I'm in Florida for a month without my family.
I'm gonna enjoy this.
Want to get in? You can work the iPod.
Yes.
Ah.
You're a nice guy, Jim, but have no idea how to vacation.
Find some Kenny Loggins.
Loggins and Messina.
Did I say "Messina?" Ahh! Sorry, I couldn't resist.
It's so quiet.
I like it.
It's so peaceful, I've already written, like, It's so quiet, one might say, you could hear a pin I thought that would be cooler.
I loved it.
Hey, can you pick up the pin? Some of us like to work in our bare feet.
Of course, I will pick up the pin.
It is right here.
Got it.
Can we see that? Did you really find it? Yes, right here.
Got it.
Dink, ow.
In the trash.
Hey, why is it so quiet? Shouldn't the phone be ringing? Uh-oh.
Erin set the phone to voicemail.
Oh, great.
We're screwed.
There.
Oh! There we go.
Pam? Yeah? Can you get the phone? Well, I'm not the receptionist.
Mm, well, you used to be.
I know, but I can't cover reception.
I have a lot of work to do.
Phone's ringing.
Will one of you get the phone? I am freaking out.
I know it's for me.
Are you guys kidding me? Stop flirting and someone get the phone! Answer the phone.
- Andy, pick up the phone! - Get the damn phone! You're the closest one to it.
Fine.
Hello, Dunder Mifflin.
Hello, you've reached Dunder Mifflin.
How may I be of service? Man.
- How was the drive? - Fantastic.
Stanley drives so fast.
Life is short.
"Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse.
" That's one of my mottos.
I would love to hear the other mottos.
- Quick query, Halpert.
- No way.
- Still queer? - Packer.
You can't put me down.
Too strong.
Yeah, Dwight and Jim tried to get me fired, but I landed on my feet down here in Florida.
You see, this cat's got nine lives, and a nine-inch-- Psst.
Say, "So who's leading this thing, anyway?" So who's leading this thing, anyway? Psst.
Say, "I can't wait to meet him.
" I can't wait to meet him.
Him, you say? Don't think a woman can be a leader? I-- You poor, simple boy.
Expected a man, did you? Strong, powerful, huge, whopping penis? Well, sorry to disappoint, but my huge, whopping penis is right here, and I'm not afraid to use it.
So stop looking at my breasts, and start looking at my penis.
I'm Nellie Bertram, president of Special Projects.
In the next few weeks we're going to throw everything you know about business out of the window, and do it our own way.
Are your minds blown? So, how did this special project come about anyway? Well, I interviewed to be the manager of your branch, after you decided I wasn't "a good fit.
" - It was-- - Ah.
Mm-mmm.
It was.
I went on a shopping spree.
Very destructive, I bought 13 pianos.
Then I realized, what if Sabre had a store? Hmm? So I called Jo, old friend, founder of Sabre, and I told her, and she grabbed me by the shoulders, and she said, "Yes!" So let's talk about this Sabre store then.
Probably gonna look stupid, right? Like a big turd with a door on the front, right? What do you think it should look like? Um, it might be fun if each store had a different theme, like a beach one, a winter one, a jungle one.
No, not a big fan of the winter aesthetic.
Well, that was just one idea.
It doesn't have to be winter.
Oh, no, it does.
It does, it has to be winter, and I reject it.
So I drew up a design concept.
Probably gonna be rubbish, right? Would you like to look at it? - Just so you could laugh at it.
- Yeah.
Let me just get the projector working.
You got to stop with the antacids.
It's not the antidote.
You didn't poison me, it's just stress.
Okay.
What is the antidote? True love's kiss.
Jim, help me lower this screen.
You're a big, tall man.
You'd be hilarious trying to do it, like a little boy.
Just let go of his balloon.
I'll do it.
I always say, "You want something done right? Ask Dwight.
" Right? Dwight.
Right? Dwight.
Right Dwight, right Dwight.
Sorry, now you'll never be able to get that out of your head.
Ah.
- I can do it.
- Mmm! There we go.
Yes, a complete inability to pass gas, pervert.
Ugh, yeah, it's tender.
It can't be appendicitis, I eat more than enough bacon.
Okay, what poison mimics the symptoms of appendicitis? Oh, you don't know.
Hold on.
What kind of poison did you use? Dwight, I didn't poison you.
I was kidding.
Yeah, I'm gonna need an ambulance.
Hold on, I have the address in my phone.
Hold on.
Hold on one second.
Uh, quick question.
Vice president, uh, who is that? - There's no name listed.
- Is there not? Maybe I'm just waiting for someone to wow me.
Sir? Sir, where should we send the ambulance? Send it to the frickin' moon, idiot.
I tell you what.
Since I moved down to Florida, I've really gotten back into hunting big time.
Hunting's so primal.
Almost sexual.
Totally.
I mean, I'd never bang an animal, you can hardly tell the difference between a boy or a girl, you know, but hunting's intense.
You talking about hunting? I love hunting.
I'm a master hunter.
Did you say, "masturbator?" I'm a decent baiter.
My cousin, Mose, that's a master baiter.
Why are you sitting down like that? Why is everyone else standing up? Okay, team, let's get back to work! Break's over! Wow.
Are you that bored? It's just rum.
I'm not bored, I'm a pirate.
Is that another motto? It's whatever you want.
Mmm.
Or do you only drink with your kids? Ah, let's do it.
Oh, that's healthy.
I've spent so much of my life telling myself, "Please, don't end up like Stanley," and now I'm wondering if I even have what it takes.
We have the Sabre pyramid, right? Hmm? We've got a bunch of humans, you guys, humans pyramid.
Human pyramid.
Do you follow? It's a team-building exercise.
You'll love it.
Who's in? Hmm? - Yup.
- Yeah.
Tallahassee, let's go.
Jim, are you in? Oh, I don't know.
Sounds like a hoot.
I'm in.
All right, what the heck? Let's do it.
This is great.
This is gonna be great.
I feel like I'm in ancient Egypt.
I'll be on top.
It's the most important position.
Dude, I think you have appendicitis.
Ahh! - Dwight? - Dwight, why don't we just hold off with the human pyramids for a while? Everyone stop moving! Everyone stop wiggling! Oh, I feel like I'm gonna vomit! Dude, don't you yak on me.
This shirt is Van Heusen.
Stop moving! No one's moving.
Ohh! Oh, oh! Arrest Jim.
He poisoned me.
Wha--no.
No, it was not a poisoning.
The one thing Pam made sure I knew, Florida's pretty loose with the death penalty.
You need an operation.
You have appendicitis.
Oh! Who called it? Nothing but net.
How long will he be gone? Two or three days.
Don't remember me like this.
Remember me as the man who pulled down the screen.
Drama queen, am I right? Philip, if you're hearing this memo, that can only mean one thing, I'm dead.
You are the rightful heir to Shrute Farms.
Please, you must do one thing.
Kill Mose before he kills you.
Mose, hey, it's Dwight.
Listen, yeah, I just want to give you a heads-up.
That was an interesting diversion.
Shall we get back to the meeting? Whoa, are those mini pizzas? Yeah, I figured we'd keep things savory while Oscar's mouth is in canker country.
I also have some bacon-wrapped dates on deck.
Look at these little mini pizzas.
Does this make me look huge? Hey, guys, look at me, I'm huge.
Hey, Darryl, good news, your fax went through.
Oh, Fuck yeah.
- Up high.
- Yes, sir.
Thanks.
Dunder Mifflin, this is Andy.
I put out some new magazines.
Check it out.
A dwell.
I'm acting like I like reception, and I'm a really good actor, so people are actually buying that I actually like reception, but I mean, seriously, reception sucks.
Oh, there's the phone.
I just got out of surgery.
What's going on? Fill me in.
Well, we broke into groups, and the groups are giving presentations later.
Who's doing the presentations? Packer's giving one.
Jim will probably give ours, I guess.
Damn it! Let's see, what else have you missed? Ryan switched his name tag to his pants, so now it's like, if you wear yours on your shirt, you're a total dick, but if you switch, you're a copycat.
But I think I figured out a solution.
What else? My shoes are gonna-- Features a tech support area.
Bring in your product, a bunch of nerdy virgins fix it on the spot.
Huge for building loyalty.
Yes, that is a very good point.
Yeah, Todd, decent idea.
Obvious, but interesting.
Dwight, are you all right? I'm great.
How are you? Mmm.
Uh.
What's our presentation about? Dwight, will you go back to the hospital? You were there for like three hours.
I got the surgery, what else is there to do? Do 100 jumping Jacks.
No, I don't feel like it.
You do 100 jumping Jacks.
I don't feel like it, either.
I want that vice presidency.
You haven't done any of the research.
"You're too slow, you're too small, Seabiscuit is a stupid name.
" You guys sound just like the enemies of Seabiscuit.
- I'm going to do it.
- Aw, let him do it.
Stanley, are you listening to music? Yup.
All right, who's ready for the next presentation? Ah, what is your topic? What is our topic? Oh, what a topic it is.
Retail consumer habits.
Really? Okay.
Retail consumer habits is The only thing you need to know about retail consumer habits is that consumers are mindless lemmings.
They just want to be told what to do.
Fast-forward to today, and the retail consumer is independent, well-informed, super-smart.
Super-smart.
Okay.
Shopping habits are both seasonal and cyclical.
What does this mean? - I can field this one.
- No, sit down.
"Seasonal.
" Well, the Christmas shopping season is certainly a busy one, back-to-school is, as well, and in early summer, it seems to slow down a bit, but shopping is also cyclical.
The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes.
You see, during ovulation, a woman's only goal is to get pregnant, and during menses, she is sad that she has failed, and how does the woman console herself? Shopping.
Shopping.
Just-- Jim, could you fetch me some ice chips? Thank you.
Just gonna Take a brief pause at this point.
Thank you.
Oh, God.
Next slide.
Mail call! His name is Oscar, and he got some mail and he better open it, or go to jail 'cause it's your taxes his name is Kevin and no mail for him but he got a coupon for some frozen Yogurt.
Are those the lyrics? "Anderson's Three Pillars of Retail.
" Crucial.
So important.
Next.
Are there any questions? What are the three pillars of retail? Convenience.
Ingredients.
Service.
Burgers.
Building loyalty.
Killing royalty.
The truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson's three pillars.
He was later diagnosed with dementia.
You know what is important? Is Dwight's pillars, and there is only one: desire.
Do we have a desire to dominate the retail space? Not just succeed in it, but to dominate, and looking around this room, I'm not so sure that we do, but we can get there, and I can lead us there, and that is all that matters.
Very true.
Where there's a will, there's a way.
I once spent a passionate night with Hugh Grant's brother, John grant.
He's older than Hugh, just a little bit uglier.
How did I pull that off? Sheer force of will.
That is very good, Dwight.
Thank you very much.
Any other questions? Jim.
You are bleeding through your shirt.
Oops.
That's embarrassing.
Egg on my face.
Ah.
Hey, having fun? Yes, I am, as a matter of fact.
Well, I know how it is.
I know it's a lot of fun.
I don't know how it is.
Andy, this is a lame job.
What are you doing here? I found my calling.
Andy, when I was 12 years old, we did a field trip, a lock-in at the zoo.
I met this girl, I thought she was so perfect.
I was in love with her, but when the sun came up, I knew it wasn't real, 'cause she was ugly, and I had grown tired of her.
I know you want reception today, but tomorrow you won't want to do her.
She's a dog.
Guys, I don't like this analogy.
Ohh! Fine.
Did you see this? - It's nice.
- I mean - How are you feeling? - Amazing.
Just lost four ounces of appendix, already replaced it with muscle.
Can I see the wound? - Oh, God.
- Oh! That's disgusting! That's barely healed.
You're not paying me to heal, you're paying me to kick ass.
A few hours ago, your body was open like a cabinet.
- That's right.
- That is amazing.
- Todd, look at that.
- Oh, yikes.
- Incom-- - Ah! Not so fast.
Would you come in early tomorrow, so we can talk about the store over breakfast? I feel you have a lot to offer.
It would be an honor, ma'am.
I'll go ahead and cancel my post-op check-up right now.
I had two goals today.
The first was to make myself the clear candidate for vice president.
I achieved that, no thanks to my appendix.
The second was to find a memorable souvenir for Philip.
For that, I do have to thank my appendix.
Dunder Mifflin, how can I help you save money on paper? This is Andrew.
Hi, Andrew.
What happened to Erin? Oh, she's on an assignment in Florida - for a couple of weeks.
- Oh, good for her.
She's such a sweetheart.
You tell her Donna Muraski misses her.
I miss her too.
Everyone, we have a very special guest.
He turned an idea into a store, into hundreds of stores.
I give you Wally Amos, founder of famous Amos Cookies.
Yeah! Ah.
Aloha, aloha, aloha.
So I hear you're all looking to bake up some dough in the sales game? Well, back when I was - a regular Amos - What's under the cloth? We'll get to that.
Can I guess.
I bet you anything it's cookies.
It's cookies.
Let me Let me finish my speech first.
Oh we get jest.
It's just success and effort, isn't it? So just don't be coy! Make with the cookies.
Okay, yes.
Famous.
Hi.
I'm sure you get ideas for your cookies all the time.
- But - Is it oatmeal with no rasins? I'm sorry, I was wasting your time.