The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Whale

Uh what else? I've seen Dirty Dancing like 10 times.
Breaks my heart every time, you know? - Whoa.
- Andy.
That Swayze sure can dance dirty.
Don't you have any sunblock? No, Walter J has been hoarding it.
You want to worry about a part of my body, worry about my eyes.
They're like two flaming meatballs in my skull.
Last week Andy set sail for the Bahamas to sell his family's boat, and he took his brother but not me.
I was kind of sad at first, but then I remembered that Bob Marley song-- No, Woman.
No Cry.
Check this out.
Keeps my hair out of my stare, also helps me combat the glare bear.
That's what I call the sun now.
Andy, it's Darryl.
Take your drawers off your head.
What else can I show you? Oh, damn it! Oh, Andy, was-- was that your drinking water? Yeah, it was.
That's okay, though.
I got this cool desalinator device.
It sucks up seawater through this hose and pumps out freshwater.
See, check it out.
Ow! - Oh! - Oh, no.
That's not good.
I better sign off.
I hate to get going.
I mean, these Skype sessions are, like, the only thing that keep me sane out here, you know? He's been sailing for two days.
I will leave you with this, the image of a man and his boat.
Burn this into your brains.
No, no.
No! No! - Oh! - Oh, my God.
Andy? Andy! Andy! Andy.
Dwight Schrute.
Well, hi, there, David Wallace.
Why would you ever call me when the manager's out of town? Well, I have some very exciting news.
And you didn't call Jim.
That seems significant.
- Hey, David.
- Jim, good.
- You should hear this too.
- Uh, no, he shouldn't.
Wha-- Ji-- Go ahead, David.
I'm listening.
No-- I-- okay, David, I'm gonna take you off speaker, but I don't know where I'd put you.
Guys, listen, this is big news.
The Scranton White Pages just got in contact with my office.
They have apparently dropped their supplier for the last ten years.
The White Pages.
The White Pages.
Do you want it? No.
Do you use it? No.
Does it inexplicably show up on your doorstep three times a year? Yes, yes, and yes.
There is a reason we in the paper industry call this thing "the white whale.
" Look at all that sweet blubber.
Look, we need our top salesman running point on this, and, Dwight, that is you.
I'm gonna need to put you on hold for a second.
Ha! Yeah! Whoo! Eat it, Jim! Eat it, Phyllis! Eat-- - Where's Stanley? - He's in the bathroom.
Will you run to the bathroom and tell him to eat it? Of course.
Yeah! Okay.
Hey, David.
I'm back.
Eat it, Stanley! So, uh, last I remember, Tom Peterman was in charge of that account.
No, my assistant spoke to the receptionist over there.
It's someone new, but she didn't catch her name.
"Her" name? No.
Hey, Dwight shouldn't-- Thanks, David.
Thank you so much for calling me today.
- Good luck.
- Good luck to you.
Dwight, you can't go.
You have a problem with women.
You can't sell to them.
That is a damnable lie.
I love women.
Gina Rogers at Apex Technology said you called her "gy-na" for your entire meeting.
That's not good.
She said she corrected him five times.
Gy-na said that? Guys, we can't let Dwight blow this.
An account this size could double our growth.
That means raises, bonuses Pizza Friday could come back.
Hey, remember that week in the '90s when we got bagels? I miss Clinton.
- Can you go instead? - I can't.
I have the thing.
I have this conference call today with this company in Philly that I'm helping start-- first board meeting, also the first time I've ever been excited about work, so that feels wrong.
Okay, calm down.
It's just me, not Tom Selleck.
Toby got us all to participate in Movember.
It's a charity for prostate cancer.
You pledge money, and then you grow a mustache for the month of November.
So this is how we look now.
I hope you like being turned on all the time.
Damn! It just keeps on coming, huh? I have very fertile hair glands.
I am so glad I got all of the dudes to do Movember.
We have the dopest time back in the annex.
God! We even go to lunch, pick up babes.
Smile if you love men's prostates.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Spring cleaning? More like fall cleaning.
I think the Senator is having an affair.
This doesn't-- I'm sorry.
Wha-- what? I think the Senator is having an affair.
I literally have nightmares in which what just happened happens.
I wake up in a sweat.
And then I make Angela's husband spoon me back to bed.
When he comes home in the morning, he has this secret little smile.
Oh, I'm sure that's nothing.
And he's always at the yoga studio.
He never misses the noon class.
It's hot yoga with Blake.
Angela, Blake's also a guy's name, so he may be spending his afternoons with a guy named Blake.
So nothing to worry about.
Who is Blake? I don't know.
I just never heard about the Senator and yoga - Right.
- from you.
I'm sure it's probably nothing.
But what's with the yoga already? - Right? - And Blake.
- Right? - All right, Angela, calm down.
We need to go and check this out.
- What? - Angela, I'll go with you.
So, uh, show us how you'd normally sell to a female client.
With pleasure.
Time to learn a few new tricks, old dog.
- You got this, Schrute.
- Okay.
You just walked into her office and begin.
- Hello.
- Hello.
May I please speak to your boss? - No, she is the boss.
- I am? Yes.
I'm Mr.
How can I help you? Okay, this isn't working for me, 'cause no one would ever believe that she would be a boss.
He's absolutely right.
I'm really struggling here.
Oh, I'll be the buyer.
Hello, Mr.
Nice to see you.
Please have a seat.
I never sit down during sales meetings.
I want to appear aggressive, imposing.
I am going to sell to you in 12 minutes.
No, actually, she'd like to take her time discussing her needs.
I will tell her what her needs are and then fill them.
This is gonna work out best for you if you just relax and do nothing.
And once I'm finished, it's over.
Okay, let's stop here.
Anyone have any thoughts? I thought it went great.
I have, uh, written down a few questions.
Have you ever killed a woman? How many women have you killed? Please, sir, will you not kill me? Okay, let's get started.
Okay, cool.
We're all on? Uh, well, you're the only one on.
We're all here.
Okay, uh, over the next three months - That's the winter season.
- I, uh-- Three months.
I, uh I had some ideas, actually.
Are you in your office right now? Yeah.
Trust me, I'd rather be with you guys.
Yeah, it's sounding kind of spooky-sexy over here, Halpert.
I-I, uh-- I was saying that you should probably just call me-- Whoa.
That's-- I think there's, uh-- I think there's been a mistake.
We're trying to reach Jim Halpert, not Batman.
Um, you know what? I should've just had-- I should've just had you call me on my cell.
I'll-- I'm gonna try a different spot, okay? - Okay.
- I'll call you right back.
What's happening in three months? Okay, when you're selling to women, it is crucial that you listen, Dwight.
Also, you want to respect their Are you listening now? Yes.
Okay, well, you have to show us.
That's impossible.
Listening happens in the ear and in the brain.
I mean, some organisms have external hairs that vibrate to indicate auditory stimulation, but unfortunately, our external hairs don't vibrate at all.
What are you doing? A little smile and a nod shows that I hear you.
- Got it? - Kind of.
Nellie, why don't you tell Dwight what we were doing earlier today, and, Dwight, you show us that you're listening.
Well, we were in the warehouse, where we were discussing the mural that I've commissioned Pam to paint there.
We were talking about the color schemes and the major themes we want to hit-- children of the world coming together, cutting down trees to make paper.
But not in a child labor-y way.
It's just up and down Just a regular nod, like a person.
I am a person.
- Yes.
- Of course.
You're a person.
- Yeah.
- We can do this, all right? And then we thought we'd I can't.
I just-- I can't carry on with that face.
Look at it.
I'm gonna get nightmares with that face.
I mean, he looks like he's laboring over a stool, having just eaten human flesh.
That's a bit extreme.
I'm s-- I'm sorry, but that is true.
He's screwed.
The meeting's in less than an hour.
Oh, all right.
God, Dwight.
Uh, just ignore every instinct you have.
It's all garbage, okay? You're the woman.
I'm the salesman.
Watch what I do and try to learn.
Okay, I'm the woman.
I'm a woman.
Good? - Okay.
- No.
Miss Thomas, so good to see you.
Oh, are those your kids? They're so cute.
They could be models.
Thank you.
I'm so proud of them.
I carried each one of them for nine months inside of my torso and then pushed them out of my vagina.
- Boo.
- No.
Okay, well, this is a lost cause.
He's hopeless.
Ten years ago, I didn't care if Dwight got married or died a beet-farming bachelor.
But having kids makes you so soft.
I used to watch Pulp Fiction and laugh, and now I'm like, "that poor gimp is somebody's child.
" You know, I think there could be a lot of benefits if you could learn to get along with women.
Look, I have no problem with women.
It's businesswomen and their-- their power suits and their shoulder pads.
Don't lie about your shoulders.
Dwight, listen to me.
Businesswomen are just normal, nice, reasonable people.
Who's a nice, reasonable person in your experience? I had a barber once who used to comb my hair gently.
Okay, so, when you're selling to this woman, just imagine she's that nice, reasonable barber.
- Okay, I can do that.
- Mm-hmm.
Baby steps.
He used to fight dogs.
Like, he used to make dogs fight, or he actually fought dogs? Little of this, little of that.
Which one is the instructor? They're all fatties.
Angela, Angela.
What? Where? - Stairs, the stairs.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, so wait.
Blake is a her.
Oh, my God.
She's so stunningly tiny.
She's like a petite double zero for sure, for sure.
Holy cow, look at what they're doing.
She's repositioning his hips for downward-facing dog.
I've heard of this-- dog style.
Oh, wait.
Oh, look, Oscar.
Thumbelina has a boyfriend.
And he has a ponytail? Ew.
I'd like to see that run for office.
Oscar, you were right.
I had nothing to be worried about.
Thank you.
Let's go.
Let's go.
- No, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Ow.
Shut up.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Just-- sorry.
- This is fun.
- Oh-- - you know? This is fun.
What I was saying is the genius of Air Jordan was not in the market saturation, it was in-- Uh - It was what? - Sorry, um Jim, we're having a lot of trouble hearing you.
The-- the-- the-- what I was saying is the real genius was-- Hey! Are those skateboarders back? - Jim? Jim, are you there? - Where are they? - It was, uh - Little punks.
It was in the authentic design, right? So, I mean, you really felt like Michael Jordan - was wearing these shoes-- - Jim! - Who was messing with my van? - Nobody! - Jordan wore them for nobody? - No, no, no We're not following you, Halpert.
This ends now! Have a seat.
Um, she will be right in.
Oh, great.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you mind telling me her name? I realized we don't have it.
- Uh, she'll be right in.
- Okay, great.
She-- okay.
Just a little off the top and then a nice combing.
Just comb it.
Oh, my God.
It's Jan.
Oh, dear God in heaven.
Jan used to be one of my superiors, and she is one of the most erratic and terrifying people I have ever met.
You son of a bitch.
- You're firing me? - I'm in an interview.
Where the hell do you get off? Jim and I are pretty sure she had an affair with her ex-assistant Hunter.
He was 17.
But she looks great.
If she asks, will you tell her I said that? Forget everything we taught you.
Hey, Jan! It's so great to see you! - Where's Wallace? - What? I was under the impression David Wallace would be coming.
He bought back Dunder Mifflin, correct? Hey.
Your daughter could be a bubble-bath model.
I could just bite her head off.
Um, David is in Vermont.
Did you speak with him? He sent Dwight instead.
Molly! David Wallace is in Vermont.
Oh, my God.
Um, I talked to his assistant.
And I guess it did get a little confusing 'cause you said not to tell anyone your name.
And then also, these bluetooths are very hard to hear with.
I know you love the way they look, - but Tom never had us use them-- - Molly.
I am not Tom.
I am Jan.
I'm so sorry, Jan.
Anyway I thought it would be fun to have a little chat with, uh, David Wallace after all these years.
Oh, well.
What are you doing? Listening.
- Stop.
Stop that.
- Sorry.
So this was all just a trick.
You don't really have any business to give? No, I-I do.
But not to us.
Insightful, Pam.
You did good, Dwight.
It's okay.
Seriously, Jan's not normal.
Let's just go.
She's not gonna sell to us.
Yes, she is.
Now, I may not have any instincts with women, but I have an instinct for sales.
You keep her occupied.
I'll be right back.
What? - Pam.
- Yeah.
- I'm a very busy woman, so - Yeah, um Do you have any other pictures of Astrid? Fine.
I will show you one slideshow.
- Erin, did this call-- - Uh! Sorry.
I just-- I saw your face.
I'm sorry.
It's for the thing.
I know.
That's great.
It just-- it makes it look like there's an eyebrow in the middle of your face.
A handsome eyebrow, but, um It makes your mouth look like an eye socket, - which isn't bad.
- Uh-huh.
But, um, you look like a cyclops whose eye fell out which is great.
It's such a great cause.
Mommy, you're a princess mommy, you're a superstar mommy, you're the greatest how can I ever fill your sho-o-o-es? Wow.
Your voice is as lovely as ever.
And it is so cute how she signs her name.
Well, that-- that was-- that was me too.
Oh, okay.
It's just that's how Cece does it with the backwards Es.
- Cece can't spell her name.
- Oh, actually, she can.
Well, it's not really much of a comparison, is it? I mean, "Cece" is two letters, and "Astrid" is I mean, there's even some adults who-- who-- who can't spell it.
- Of course.
- Can you spell it? Try to spell it, Pam.
Um A X? I don't-- you got me.
Don't patronize me.
I'm so sorry.
I hate this.
You're better.
Okay, we should go now.
Let's go.
Just wait.
Just a minute.
Just watch.
- Wait.
Why are you-- Oh, are you getting your jollies right now? Can't get enough of the show? - Your jollies are all on fire-- - Please.
It's Robert who's enjoying it.
What? This could be the affair that you're scared of.
Politicians are wonderful liars.
You never know who they really are.
But, uh, he's probably not gay.
He's straight.
He's straight, so Mm.
Excuse me.
Could I get some more water? No.
Jan You thought I had no more cards left to play.
Well, I've got one.
Man-boy! The ace of babes.
Oh, my God.
Where's the quiznos? You're the quiznos.
Jan, may I introduce to you your own personal Dunder Mifflin liaison, devoted to servicing this account with total client satisfaction.
I sensed that Molly wasn't quite meeting your needs-- Nothing like, uh, your old assistant Hunter.
Was that his name? - I-I-- - Hmm? I don't recall.
And, yes, Molly is crap.
Okay, you do not have to do this.
Do what? Get into sales? That's what I want.
He's been growing that mustache for weeks.
Best he can do so young.
Will you, uh You.
Can you turn around for me, please? Dwight, you can go.
I will call you in a week or so and let you know whether I want your business.
Very good.
Do you have a valid passport? - Jim Halpert.
- Hey, it's Colin.
Hey, man.
I am so sorry about that.
I know.
Don't worry about it.
It's just-- it's not totally working.
No, I know.
This whole telecommuting thing-- not ideal.
But don't worry.
I'll figure it out.
Yeah, well, it's not just not ideal.
I mean, with you there, I don't know how we're gonna do this.
Uh, what does-- what does that mean? Oscar, what is happening here? Why would you say you think the Senator might be gay? I don't know, Angela.
I'm dehydrated.
Maybe you heard me wrong.
We should just go.
Look, look, look.
Here he comes.
Here he comes.
- What is he doing? - He's making a phone call.
Oh, oh! Oh, hey, Molly.
Um, you should just quit.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, and, uh, Molly I know it can't be easy working for Jan.
Good luck with your feelings.
Dwight, that was really nice.
You should ask for her number.
Oh, I got her number.
- That's a license number? - That's all you need.
And when I have curried favor with her, I will let you know.
Why me? Because you are my friend and you are a woman and women love gossip, it's like * you people.
Ugh, God.