The Ranch (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Gone as a Girl Can Get

1 - [crickets chirping] - [country music playing on radio] What do you mean, like, you don't want to marry Kenny? I don't know.
[stutters] I mean Kenny's sweet and loving and kind and punctual I don't know why I just said punctual but he really is.
In the mornings, he whispers to me, "Abby, your alarm's gonna go off in three, two, one.
" Does he do that when you have sex, too? [chuckles] It's just it feels like there's something missing.
There's no spark.
There's no adventure.
I don't know if I'm supposed to expect that after five years or not, but Are you sure you're not just getting colt feet? I don't know.
Maybe.
Wait, did you just say, "colt feet" with a "T"? The expression is "cold feet," with a "D.
" Like you got in English.
- [scoffs] No, it's not.
It's "colt feet.
" - [chuckles] Like Like when a baby horse gets born, it's trying to "Cold feet"? [chuckles] Doesn't make any sense.
Your feet are cold, just put on some socks.
All I know is, I just I just got engaged to this great guy, and instead of feeling happy about it all I'm doing is wondering if you're okay.
Well, I've been wondering the same thing.
[chuckles softly] So what does this mean? You want to be with me? I don't know.
You don't know? Now, hold on.
You don't get to say something like that and then just say, "I don't know.
" - [sighs] - Like, if I asked you, "What do you want for dinner?" You can say, "I don't know.
" Or, "Who's better looking, me or Brad Pitt?" You can say, "I don't know.
" But, "Do you want to be with me?" You can't say, "I don't know.
" Especially when the guy is better looking than Brad Pitt.
I know! I know, but I don't know.
Okay, well, I've got a girlfriend.
And you've got a fiancé.
[stammers] What do you want me to do with this? - I - No.
Please don't say, "I don't know.
" You're right, it's [sighs] This isn't fair.
I'm I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come here.
So you're just going to leave? I gotta think about everything.
Okay, you're gonna come here, make a mess of everything, and then just up and leave? Who are you, me? Whoa, you're up early.
Yeah, my mind was racing.
Don't think I slept at all last night.
- Oof - I had four beers, then I laid down, then I had to pee.
So I had another beer so I could fall asleep.
Of course, I had to pee again.
I couldn't break the cycle.
Except when I finally got up to puke.
You know what you should've done? Shot of Jameson, shot of NyQuil.
I call it the Irish Lullaby.
[Colt chuckles softly] Don't do, uh, NyQuil and tequila, 'cause I call that the Mexican Nightmare.
Whew! Oh - what happened last night with Abby? - Oh.
That's what I've been thinking about.
She wants to get back together.
What? She said that? No, she said, "I don't know.
" But I could tell, she knew.
I mean, this.
I mean, come on, man.
You think every girl you see wants to be with you.
- Yeah.
- Our high school teacher, Miss Fisher, you always thought she wanted to bone you.
She did! She came all the way out here to "tutor me in math.
" Why would she do that? Probably because you thought this was nine inches.
Whatever, man.
You're just jealous 'cause the only teacher that wanted to bone you was Coach Jenson.
Hey, Coach Jenson saw potential in me, all right? He wanted to help me make the wrestling team.
We didn't have a wrestling team! Still made me feel like I belong.
Look, all I know is that Abby came over here last night to tell me she's having doubts about marrying Kenny.
Okay, well, that doesn't mean she wants to get back with you.
That just means she got colt feet.
You know what, Abby thought it was "cold feet.
" [laughs] No, man, it's colt feet.
You know, like a baby horse, it's not stable.
"Cold feet.
" That doesn't even make any sense.
Just put on a pair of socks.
Thank you! [snickering] "Cold feet.
" - "Cold feet.
" - Man, Abby's crazy.
I don't know why you let her get in your head like that.
I don't know.
We were voted Most Likely to Get Married in high school.
I mean, it's our duty to give the people what they wanted.
Well, people also voted you Most Likely to Succeed, and here you are, an alcoholic failure who still lives at home.
So are you.
Yeah, but I was voted Most Likely to Go to Prison, so, overachiever.
Why do you care so much about what's going on with me and Abby anyway? No, believe me, I don't.
But you're always bitching to me about, you know, you got a great thing going on with Heather.
Now you're gonna throw that away for some chick you dated 20 years ago? I know it's been a while, but every time we're together it's like It's like nothing ever changed.
Yeah, but things have changed.
'Cause for the last five years, she's been in a relationship with Kenny.
Plus, dude, we got this, like, smoking-hot mother/daughter combo thing going on, you know.
I mean, it's only a matter of time before we swap.
- What? - Oh, like you haven't thought of it.
No, I haven't! And don't be having them thoughts about Heather! There aren't many thoughts I haven't had about Heather.
- Dude! - Dude.
Relax.
I'm kidding, all right? She's like a daughter to me.
You know, like a super, super hot, not blood-related, of-age daughter.
- Morning, Dad.
- Hey, Dad.
[Beau grunts] Well he's in a mood.
- What, he didn't even say anything.
- [scoffs] I know all of Dad's grunts.
[grunts] Means, "Don't talk to me.
" [growls] Means, "Colt's an idiot.
" And when he goes [grunts twice] well, that one's not politically correct, so I can't say it out loud.
[chuckles] Hey, Dad.
Where's Mom? She's gone.
She hitched up her Airstream and left.
What? I thought she was moving in.
So did I.
Did you guys, like, have a fight? What'd she say? She didn't say anything.
She left a note.
Doesn't matter.
Threw it away.
- Is she coming back? - Where'd she go? - You go after her? - She really didn't say anything? Yeah, she said, "Shut the fuck up and get to work.
" Okay, well, if you need anything, just let us know.
[grunts] I agree.
Colt's an idiot.
Man, this whole Mom thing has got Dad set off.
- Was he this upset when I left? - [scoffs] That's funny.
I don't know.
He seemed all right.
You know, like, when he said, uh, "Hey, great job flushing the pumps.
" He was being sarcastic.
Oh, yeah.
I know.
That's the trick.
See, if you ignore Dad's sarcasm, he's like a really, like, loving, supportive father.
[chuckles] Oh, my God, that changes everything.
He thinks I'm bright, good with my hands and he's happy I'm home.
Yeah, and this really is nine inches.
Thank you.
Hey, uh, did Mom hit you back? No.
Haven't heard from her.
I think she just wants to be left alone.
Needs time to think.
[scoffs] Abby needs time to think.
Oh, what's with women? I don't think before I do anything.
[clicks tongue] As someone who's seen you lose two cars in a partially frozen lake, I can't disagree.
Oh, come on.
That don't count.
I drove the second car in to get the first car out.
- Hey, what's up? - [grunts] What are you doing? Gettin' rid of junk we don't need.
Uh, that looks like a whole lot of Mom's stuff.
Like I said, junk we don't need.
Oh.
Hey, that's my sweater.
You sure this thing with Mom isn't, like, messing with your head? This got nothin' to do with your mother.
Okay, I guess those are Colt's bras.
Is that damn bike gonna sit in my driveway till the day I die? All right, I'll take care of it.
Do me a favor, don't look in the barn.
You got a week, and I'm haulin' it.
[scoffs] I'm tired of all the goddamn clutter around here.
Okay.
Well, I'm not the only one with clutter, all right? Colt's got clutter.
Shit, Colt is clutter.
Why don't you throw him in the barrel? Whose great idea was it to leave those tools laying out there to rust and waste my money? That was my great idea, Daddy.
Nice work, genius.
Thank you.
He thinks I'm a genius.
[chuckles] Put the damn tools away.
Yes, sir.
Are you sure you don't wanna talk about anything? Okay, then.
That's my scarf! Hey, how do I look? Fine.
All right, good.
I'm taking Mary to the movies.
Now, does this outfit say, "Madame, would you discreetly reach your hand into my pants and give me a handy J?" What the hell is the matter with you? Matter with me? Out of the three Bennett boys, I'm the only one here in a serious, healthy relationship.
You're trying to trick a grandmother into giving you a hand job in a movie theater.
Damn straight.
Take notes.
Speaking of relationships, what's up with you and Heather? I don't know.
I'm just avoiding her until I can figure things out with Abby.
Mmm, I don't think that's gonna work.
- Yeah? Avoiding problems don't work? - [TV playing] I got a warrant for my arrest in Nevada that says it does.
Yeah, I don't think that's gonna work this time.
Yeah, why not? 'Cause Mary's car is in the driveway and Heather just got out of it.
[sighs] - [Mary] Hey, y'all.
- [Rooster] Hey! Hey.
Hey, Mary.
Heather.
My favorite daughter.
[chuckles] [chuckling] Why're you laughing? Oh, I was just thinking about this joke earlier that Colt and I were telling.
You know the one, right, man? Yeah, yeah.
What're you doing here? Well, that depends on you and how many shots of tequila we do.
[chuckles] I'm kiddin', Mom.
[whispers] I'm not kiddin'.
We got plans? No, but my mom was comin' over to take Rooster to the movies, so I thought I'd pop by.
Is that cool? Yeah.
Pop bys are cool.
Pop ins are cool, drop bys are cool, calling and texting first like everyone else is cool.
[chuckles] So, uh, what movie should we go see? This Just Got Weird or Let's Get the Fuck Out of Here? [chuckles] I've heard really good things about I Will Kill Him If He's a Dick to My Daughter.
- Right.
- [Colt] Okay, okay, okay.
Look, I'm I'm sorry.
I just I wasn't expecting you and I was planning on doing some stuff.
What kind of stuff? Shut up, Rooster.
Okay, you know what, why don't y'all come to the movies with us? That'll be fun.
Right? Yeah, sure.
They gotta sneak in their own beers though.
Actually, um, can you guys give us a minute? Yeah.
Come on, Rooster.
Let's go.
You're sneaking beers into a movie? [laughs] You have to reach in my pants and find out.
So what's going on, Colt? Nothing.
I'm just having a bad day.
I lost one of my favorite scarves.
Yeah.
Remember when we said we'd be honest with each other? Yeah.
Look, I just I got a lot of stuff going on.
[stutters] My mom just took off, my dad's been riding me, - [scoffs] Abby came over last night - [smacks table] There it is.
It always comes back to Abby.
Look, she she just dropped by.
Oh, so she can drop by, I just can't? [Rooster] Oh, shit.
No.
[stammering] She just She's got some stuff going on and she needs some advice.
Yeah, but what about me, Colt? How about I'm tired of every time I turn around, I'm face-to-face with your girlfriend from, like, 20 years ago.
Who, by the way, is engaged to someone else.
- Look, it's not that simple.
- Then let me make it simple for you.
If Abby was single right now and you could have either one of us, who would you choose? [stuttering] [Rooster] The right answer is Heather.
No.
You're unbelievable.
Heather, wait.
Hey, how'd that go? You guys ready to go to the movie or what? Hey, can we just talk about this? Mom, we gotta go.
Now.
Yeah.
Sorry, Rooster.
I gotta take her home.
Well, sorry my brother's an asshole.
Heather, stop.
Will you just listen to me? What, Colt? Uh In the spirit of total honesty, I didn't really think you were gonna stop.
[music playing on radio] What in the hell are you doin'? Oh.
Well, I thought it'd be a good idea to pick up Mom's plants, bring them over here and take care of 'em while she's gone, you know, that way, when she comes back Right now, I'm realizing this is just gonna piss you off.
I don't want 'em here.
Yeah.
No, I get that, but here's the thing.
If I leave them behind Mom's bar, that means I gotta walk through her bar to go get them, right? Now if I walk through the bar, I'm gonna stop and have a couple drinks.
If I stop to have a couple drinks, I'm still gonna water them, but probably not in a way that's gonna make Mom very happy.
I'm gonna pee on 'em, Daddy.
If she cared about this stuff, she'd be here to look after it.
[inhales] Yes.
You are right.
That's why I'm gonna take care of it so it's not your problem.
- They are beautiful.
- Yeah.
Let 'em die.
What's up, Maria? Can I get two beers? - Oh, I already got one.
- Cool.
What's up, Maria? Can I get two beers? Sure.
But it's gonna be $5.
Just 'cause Mom's gone, I gotta pay now? I got nothing to live for.
Yeah, Maria, don't you know? Me and my two brothers drink for free.
Where you been? I was having dinner over at Mary and Heather and Darlene's house.
Mary made me a nice plate of fried chicken with a side of bitching about Colt for 45 minutes.
I assumed I was gonna get my dessert in the bedroom instead I had a make-your-own sundae in the Exxon bathroom on the way over here.
Who were you thinking about? Heather or Coach Jenson? [chuckles] - Little bit of both.
- [Colt chuckles] Yeah.
What did they say about me? Um, well, they said that you're a selfish jackass and, uh, an immature dickhead and that you, uh You rode a stellar defense all the way to the State Championship.
All right, that last one is out of line.
It's your own fault.
I told you not to date her mom.
Right.
Yeah, okay.
It's my fault.
Oh, before I forget, uh, Heather wanted me to give you something.
Really? What? [groans] - Dude! - You know, I just did you a solid.
She told me to kick you in the balls.
- Hey, Rooster.
- What's up, Abby? - Oh.
- Colt.
Hey.
Can we talk? I can't.
Kenny's parking the car.
He'll be here any second.
Okay.
Well, we can talk fast.
I like that shirt.
Thanks.
I like your hat.
- Minnesota Axemen.
New perfume? - Lotion.
- Coconut? Oh.
- Mango.
- You think about us? - Yes.
- Make a decision? - No.
Okay.
Heather and I broke up so we are good to go.
What? Kenny! Hey, what have you been up to? Oh, not much.
Just came from a crazy bachelor party at the Marriott.
Oh, wow.
Sneak in strippers and trash the place? No, no, no.
It was a party where we all watched The Bachelor.
Sadly, I lost my top two draft picks when Rachel and Jessie didn't get roses.
Dude! Spoiler.
But listen, when I have my real bachelor party, you are definitely coming.
Kenny, we don't have to bore Colt with the wedding stuff.
Are you kidding me? Who in this town knows more about drinking and partying than Colt Bennett? I'm not that big of a partier.
I'm actually a very mature, responsible adult who has a lot of appealing qualities as a life partner.
[laughs] Yeah, right.
Says the guy who once sodomized the Garrison mustang.
Whoa! I did not sodomize that horse.
You were there.
I ran up behind it and tried to hop on.
Except my aim was off 'cause I was drunk.
[chuckles] And naked.
Covered in Crisco, but that's Drunk, naked and covered in Crisco.
Sounds like the bachelor party I was at.
[chuckles] But you just said you were watching The Bachelor.
Yeah, I know, honey.
I just wanted to look cool in front of Colt.
[Beau] I'll be damned.
[chuckles] That's great.
Chew it up good, girl.
[vehicle approaching] [chuckles] What're you doin' out here, Dale? Evening, Beau.
I'm here to vaccinate your heifers for Bangs disease.
Oh, shit.
I brought 'em into the pens yesterday and completely forgot about it.
- What day is today? - Huh? I said what day is today? Oh, thanks.
They're just regular Wranglers, boot cut, you know.
[chuckles] I heard about Maggie.
You wanna talk about that? Nope.
Well, I guess I can't expect you to pour your heart out like Adele.
What the fuck is a dell? She's a singer.
Real popular.
My granddaughters listen to her.
"Hello"? Hello, what? I'm standing right here.
Never mind.
- You hear about the Andersons? - What happened? His kid get his hand caught in the wood chipper again? Oh, yeah, but it was the same hand as before so there's no harm, no foul.
They finally sold out their ranch to that big corporate outfit, Neumann's Hill.
You gotta be kidding.
No.
They're buying out independent ranchers all over the state.
I never thought Anderson would sell.
Beau ranchin' can be real hard on a man.
I guess he just needed a change.
Everything's changing out here, Dale.
[chuckles] Tell me about it.
I got one of them new iPhones.
I can't figure out how in the hell to make a call.
I sat on the thing the other day and a woman started talking to me.
Things used to be so much simpler.
Ranchers didn't sell out families stuck together we only had three channels on the TV.
Well [grunts] change is coming whether we want it or not.
Take this, uh, Maggie deal, for example.
I never thought I'd say this but let's stick to talking about technology.
Fair enough.
I like to have more channels.
- Did you ever watch that HGTV? - Uh-uh.
Them Property Brothers, they really know how to transform a space.
I watch CNN and The Weather Channel.
Then I watch Fox News to find out how the first two lied.
[chuckles] What say we go check on them heifers? Let's do.
Thanks for coming out, Dale.
You're a good friend.
What? I said you're a good friend, Dale.
Oh, I heard you.
I just wanted to hear you say it twice.
[doorbell rings] Colt! What are you, uh, doing here? What if Kenny had answered the door? No.
I took care of that.
I called the Marriott and asked if Kenny Ballard was working.
They said, "Yes.
" So I said, "Wrong number" and hung up.
So [stammering] I just, um We just need to talk.
I know.
I know.
Yeah.
I mean, all I've been thinking about Look, I'm staying with Kenny.
- Shit.
- [exhales] Okay.
And I'm sorry.
Just I've been doing a lot of thinking, too.
Kenny's a good guy.
I mean, he's the type of guy you marry.
Yeah.
Yeah, definitely.
I love him.
And he loves me.
- [sighs] - You deserve that.
So He's thoughtful, you know, he plans these amazing date nights.
Mmm-hmm.
Last week, he traded in a free night at the Marriott for a complimentary meal at the Olive Garden.
And I know they say it to everyone, but when we were there, we really were family.
[chuckling] I mean, how do you compete with that? Endless breadsticks.
[chuckles] I'm sorry, Colt.
No Don't That, no.
I Look at me.
I just want you to be happy.
And this totally makes sense.
Like, I can't compare with a guy like Kenny.
So Thanks for being so understanding.
You're making the right decision.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[loud banging] [Rooster] Hello? - Dad? - [banging continues] Colt, is that you? Mary? Are we finally doing that fantasy where you kidnap me? [banging continues] Dad? What the hell are you doing? It's the middle of the night.
That can't wait until tomorrow? It's supposed to freeze tonight.
[exhales sharply] Dad? [voice breaking] Am I really that hard to live with? Come on, Dad, you can't set me up like that.
I did everything she asked and it still wasn't enough.
Yeah.
You did plenty.
Mom's the one who quit trying, you know? If she wanted to leave, there's nothing you can do about that but let her go.
[hammer thuds] [sniffles] [sighs] Hey.
You gonna be okay? Yep.
- [sniffles] - Just so you know I'm never gonna leave you.
Never have.
I never will.
That supposed to cheer me up? [chuckles] Love you too, Daddy.
[Beau exhales] [country music playing]