The Ranch (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Living and Living Well

Wow.
Yeah.
Oh, it's like a flashback to, uh, senior year.
Except, you don't taste like strawberries anymore.
Spice Girls discontinued their lip gloss.
Oh.
We should probably talk about this.
Hmm.
Are you gonna tell me what you want? What you really, really want? I'm serious.
Well, okay.
- Okay - Mmm I'm going to, um I'm gonna talk to you from back here Okay.
So I can get through this.
Okay, look.
I know what you're gonna say, but this is not a mistake.
Actually, I was gonna say I want this, too.
Fuck, yeah! It's just Kenny.
I mean, we just got engaged.
Kenny.
Right.
This is gonna kill him.
Yeah I'm sorry.
It's really gonna suck.
So you wanna go to a movie or somethin'? Colt, before we do anything, I need to break things off with Kenny.
- Okay? - Yeah.
And you can't say anything to anybody, okay? I don't want him hearing anything until I can talk to him.
All right? And you are terrible with secrets.
No, I'm not.
You told me Rooster peed the bed until he was 14.
That's a funny secret! I can't believe this is happening.
Yeah.
I mean, it's great.
It's great - Yeah.
- It's just Okay, look, maybe I should maybe I should go.
- Yeah, that's a good idea.
- Yeah.
So I'll just - Okay - I'll just do that.
Okay, seriously, you need to leave now.
- Yep, I'm going.
- You can You go.
- That's what I'm doing.
- But I'm serious.
You have to keep this quiet.
Yes.
I'm not gonna say anything.
Bye.
Fuck, yeah! Hey, check it out.
I discovered if you run out of milk, you can use beer to make pancakes.
We out of milk? Nope, but once you figure out you can use beer, why would you go back to milk? Hey, hey, check this out.
Boom.
Oh, what's the Southern Comfort for? Syrup.
Hey, hey, hey.
You are not gonna believe what happened last night.
Oh, what happened last night? You know what? Actually, uh, can't tell you.
Okay.
Yeah, I I promised this, uh, person that I wouldn't say anything.
So No problem.
But, uh, you know, I can say there was a kiss.
And it was not too shabby.
As in, "Shh Abby.
" I'm talking about Abby.
Yeah, I get it.
Your ability to keep secrets is shh itty.
Whatever, man.
Just don't say anything to anyone.
I don't know, Colt.
I don't know if I'm gonna be able to resist.
OMG! Did you hear? Colt and Abby is totes going out! Hashtag, don't give a shit.
Mornin', Dad! Hey, Dad.
Want some of these pancakes? Oh, you're not gonna be driving or operating heavy machinery in a bit, are you? No, but I got somethin' I wanna say to you two.
All right, well, it's Colt's fault.
I'll hold him.
You hit him.
As surprised as I am to hear myself saying this you didn't do anything wrong.
Okay, this is weird.
I don't like this.
I can't remember a time we've worked so hard and things looked so bleak around here.
Between your mom leavin' and tight money, sick cattle the drought Hell, just being old and tired.
I couldn't have done it without you two.
Well, I'll drink to that.
That means a lot, Daddy.
Sit down.
Don't make this weird.
It's not a lot, but it's better than nothing.
Whoa! Whoa! I ain't seen an envelope of money like this since I got recruited to USC.
I would have been touched without the money, Dad.
But if you think I deserve it, then I accept your generous gift.
And I promise to dedicate this money to locally sourced females and alcohol.
Do what you want with it.
Just don't get any diseases you're gonna pass on to the cattle.
Gotcha.
You earned it.
I'm proud to be partner with you boys.
Did he just call us partners? I don't know.
I think I blacked out when he said, "You earned it.
" Man, looks like he finally recognized all the work we do around here.
Man, he's really recognizing it.
- How much did you get? - I don't know.
How much did you get? - Well, it better be more than you.
- Why? We're partners.
Yeah, but dude, I'm a 15-year partner.
You're like a, you know, Aquaman with the Justice League kind of partner.
Like when the shit goes down and they're like, "Whoa, somebody's gotta stay back here and watch the headquarters, Aquaman.
" Oh, I guess Daddy disagrees.
There's no way you got as much as me.
All right, tell you what.
Give me that pen.
We'll write down how much we got and on the count of three, we show it to each other.
Fine.
Ready? One, two, three.
"Fuck you.
" Fuck you! Whoa! - Look at this bad boy, F-350.
- Yeah.
Man, I haven't seen a truck like this since you got recruited by USC.
Man, if this truck was mine, the first thing I'd do is drive to the top of a mountain and let an eagle land on my hand.
That'd be badass.
- Guess this is Ed's rig.
- Ed? Oh, Ed Bishop? How do you know that? License plate says, "Ed's Rig.
" If that was my license plate, it'd say "'Merica.
" With a capital M.
That'd be badass, too.
- Hey, hey, hey! - Whoa-ho! Ed's here! Hide the beer! Hey, Rooster's here! Hide the sheep! - Good to see you.
- What's up man? You good? - All right.
Good to see you, Colt.
- Hey.
How are you, Ed? Hey, your brother still screwing sheep? What's new, Ed? His truck, his hip and his wife.
Sorry to hear that.
You and Jocelyn split? Yeah, it was real dark there for a lot of years.
Then I met my new 38-year-old wife.
Did I mention that she's 38? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Hear that, Rooster? His wife's younger than your girlfriend.
Yeah, well, your girlfriend's engaged to Kenny.
Dude! He's not supposed to say anything.
She's not my girlfriend.
We did kiss.
I mean, she's pretty into me.
I can't tell you who, though.
It's Abby.
We're back.
- Want a beer? - Yeah.
So, your dad and I were just talking about that fishing trip we all took up to Diamond Lake.
Hey, you remember when Rooster was trying to help us guide the boat into the lake? "Back up! Back up!" "Too far!" The only thing we fished out of the water that day was my truck.
Yeah.
Remember Mom was trying to take a nap in the back? She almost drowned.
That part wasn't funny, though.
Say, where is Maggie anyway? We separated a while back.
Then she left me.
Well, glad I brought that up.
Well, look at that truck, Ed.
What's that, a 6.
7 liter power stroke? That's a beast.
Man, Ed.
New truck, new wife killing it! You're an assassin.
You wanna take her for a spin? What? The truck or your wife? That's funny.
You know I was a sniper in the Marines, right? You are an assassin.
A literal assassin.
Oh, I call shotgun! Could've called driver, dummy.
Yeah, well, if I'm drivin', how am I gonna moon the Chevy dealership? It's good to see them.
That'll wear off quick.
Want another beer? What do you say we break this out, hmm? Damn, Ed, that's some fancy whiskey.
What else you hiding in that purse of yours? Well, you still enjoy a good cigar, right? Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back? Let's go out on the porch.
I feel a sales pitch coming on.
Sounds good.
Say, did I mention to you that my wife's only 38? Yeah, you did.
Twice.
Oh, that's 'cause my memory's slippin'.
But hers is still sharp 'cause she's only 38.
You gonna go right to convincing me to sell my ranch? Or we got time for a couple of drinks first? Does Neumann's Hill want me to come back and tell them the great Beau Bennett wants to partner up with us? Of course.
But we both know you're never gonna go for that.
So let me get through my pitch, go back and tell 'em I did my job, and we can get back to drinking on their dime.
You're almost as smooth as this whiskey, Ed.
Well, Neumann's Hill didn't pick me for my looks.
Neither did your new wife.
You know, Beau, when I was a rancher I never would have let anybody take over my place, either.
That's not what we do.
You still own your land.
We just pay you a guaranteed price to raise the cattle for us.
And you'll never have to worry about having another bad year in your life.
I'll never have a great year, either.
I'm not here to sell you anything.
I'll drink to that.
Why does my napkin say, "Fuck you"? I knew you were coming by, Ed.
- Oh, look at these guys.
What's up, Bills? - Hey.
- Oh, hey, Nikki.
Hey, Beer Pong.
- What's up Nikki? What you guys doin'? Three month anniversary.
We just finished dinner.
We're gonna catch a movie at 8:20 in Telluride.
Oh, 8:20? Cuttin' that one close.
That's what the sirens are for.
Okay, I'm gonna pee before we go.
I can't let anyone see me get up during the movie.
We reserved the handicapped seats.
Oh! What's awesome about it is if someone calls you on it, you just act deaf.
I like that.
Hey, Bucky.
Two.
Make it three.
Hey, you guys know anybody who needs a truck? Talking about the Bronco? Oh, man! I boned Melissa Richards in that truck.
I boned Melissa Richards in that truck.
I was dating Melissa Richards when I bought that truck.
Seriously, man.
Why you wanna sell that truck? The Bronco is awesome.
I need some cash.
Dude, you're a cop.
Just break into the evidence room.
I'm thinking about making an honest woman of her.
I'm gonna buy a ring.
Whoa! Mrs.
Beer Pong! After only three months? Man, you see that girl? Ain't no way I'm doing any better.
Besides, her dad is Dave.
Of Dave's Donuts.
I gotta lock it down.
You know, I might be interested in her.
Man, I just said I was gonna propose.
No, interested in the truck.
I'll bring it by here tomorrow if you wanna check it out.
Yeah, sweet.
Hey, Billy tomorrow, Dave's donuts are on me.
I get 'em for free.
Not anymore.
Oh, yeah, that works.
What's up, man? You making beercakes? Nope.
Beer cereal.
Beerios.
Hey, what did you think of Billy's truck? Piece of crap.
I know, right? We should buy it.
You kidding me? I'm not wasting my bonus money on that thing.
Plus, he's asking too much for it.
Billy's one of our best friends.
We can totally take advantage of him.
Dude, forget it.
All right, come on, man.
You gotta go in on this.
Remember how much we loved that truck in high school? Remember how much people loved you in high school? Some things don't age well.
Dude, come on.
We we can use it on the ranch.
Plus we're grown-ass men.
We need a truck so we're free to come and go as we please from Daddy's house when he's mean to us.
Look, dude, I don't need a truck, all right? I got my bike.
All right, fine.
Guess I'll be riding on the back of your bike forever.
Would you get off my butt? No, I can't.
I'm gonna be touching your butt all the time I'm ridin' on the back of your bike.
All right, it's not funny, dude.
Get off my butt.
No, I'm touching your butt.
Jesus, man.
- I'm touching your butt! - Come on, Colt! Get off my butt.
Dad, we we were just, uh What you got there? It's not your brother's ass.
You sure you're still interested? Broncos tickets.
Ed left 'em on my windshield last night.
Holy shit.
Row 15? Only time I've been that close is when I got hammered and fell from row 50.
We're not goin'.
What? Yeah, yeah, of course not.
Hmm, that'd be Father and sons going football games together, that's that's awful.
They're just a bribe to get us to sell to Neumann's Hill.
Ed wants us to sell? He can make Colt the starting quarterback for the Denver Broncos, we wouldn't sell this place.
Damn right.
Does he know someone on the coaching staff? All I need is a tryout and a cup of someone else's urine.
I appreciate your support.
- I'm giving 'em back.
- Yeah, tell him we don't want 'em.
Man, Ed must be crazy if he thinks Dad's gonna sell this place.
Hell, yeah.
You know what? If I was the quarterback, though, you could be my center.
You know why? - Hmm? - 'Cause I'd be - touchin' your butt! - Oh, God.
- Touchin' your butt! - Jesus, man! Dear God.
Hey, Maria.
Two Buds, on me.
Man, how much do you think our bar tab would be if Mom didn't own this place? $12,842.
That's just for the beer.
Whiskey, $8,684.
You, my good man, are delightful.
Thanks, Maria.
Hey, there you go.
- It's weird not having Mom in here.
- Yeah.
Every time I walk through that door, I keep expecting to see her behind the bar.
Yeah, you know, smile when I walk in.
Hand me a free beer.
I'm sure there's some other stuff, but bottom line is I miss her.
Oh.
Oh, hey.
It's a text from Billy.
He's out back with the truck.
Let's go check it out.
Oh, hey, Ab.
Hey, Colt.
Sure, I'd love to play a song on the jukebox.
What would you like to listen to? Old Dominion's "Break Up with Him"? Or, Sam Hunt, "Breaking Up in a Small Town"? Maybe, Garth Brooks, "Did You Break Up With Kenny Yet?" It's barely been a day.
Oh, sorry.
No pressure.
So, uh, you wanna make out? No! Don't like Taylor Swift.
Okay, now that's suspicious.
Everybody likes T-Swizzle.
Listen, I'm gonna talk to Kenny.
I just need some time.
You haven't told anyone, have you? - No, of course not.
- All right, good.
Hey, Rooster.
- Oh, hey, Abby.
So - Hey.
What's new? Damn it, Colt! I didn't tell him.
He just figured it out.
You say anything, I'm telling the whole town you peed your bed until you were 14.
Damn it, Colt! I didn't tell her.
She just figured it out.
Damn, man.
Oh, shit, you got a CB radio? Breaker one-nine, Breaker one-nine, anybody got eyes on Smokey? This is Colt 45.
Plug wires are all cracked.
Headers look about rusted straight through.
Needs a new fan belt.
We'll take it.
Colt, if you want this junker so bad, you have to buy her by yourself.
What? All right, look, Billy you know I love this truck.
My brother here is not too fond of it, so you're gonna have to cut a little off the price.
Dude, you give it away for free, I still don't want it.
- Four thousand.
- Zero.
- Thirty-five hundred.
- Zero.
- Three grand.
- Zero.
Guys! I need at least five grand for the ring! Damn it.
Ring? Are you serious? Are you proposing? I guess.
In the worst way ever.
Oh, my God, yes! I love you! Whoa-ho! Congratulations, man.
Hey, hey, let's take her out for a celebratory test drive, huh? Keys.
Hang on, Colt.
First blow in this.
Rooster, you're driving.
Hey, what are we listening to? I got this stereo at a garage sale.
The CD is just stuck in there.
It kinda grows on you.
Me gusta.
So, what do you guys think? Plus, we could throw in a siren that you can put on top.
Oh, hell, yeah! Breaker, Breaker, this is Colt 45.
They just threw in a gumball.
See? This car is awesome.
All the warning lights are on.
And, dude, we're out of gas.
Oh, the the fuel gauge is broken.
Don't worry about that.
So how do you know when you're out of gas? It stops.
Oh oh, think about how much fun we could have in this truck.
It's like high school all over again, man.
We can go to the drive-in.
We can go back to the Four Corners.
Oh, hey, hey.
Let's take her down to the lake bed and go muddin'.
Hell, no, dude.
Lake bed's like 30 miles away.
No problem.
Rooster, put the hammer down.
Billy, give me your gun.
This is awesome! We are so buying this truck! Yeah, boy! Get some! Get some! Yeah, make it dirty! Make it dirty! Dude, that muddin' was badass.
I'm not even pissed we got stuck.
Yeah.
It's funny how you suddenly got unstuck as soon as I got behind that back tire.
Oh, hey, hey.
Hey, what's goin' on, Ed? Hey, Rooster.
- Wow, you are a mess.
- Yeah.
But still better looking than your brother.
Oh, that's debatable.
Hey, Maria.
Uh, can we get two of what Ed's drinkin'? That's $23.
$23 of money? Yeah, we'll just take two Buds.
No, no, no, no.
Get two more.
Maria, put it on my tab, please.
Maria, but still get the two Buds.
Put a rush on it.
That's for you.
Hey, did you really think my dad was gonna sell to you? I tell you, I considered it a win when I walked out of there without an ass full of buckshot.
You guys can't keep coming around here trying to push people out of their family business, you know? You really think I would walk into the home of an old friend and take advantage of him? That's not what we do.
You know what? I appreciate that.
This is for you.
Uh thank you for the dollar.
Yeah, I'm, uh, running a little low.
So what does Neumann's Hill do? Neumann's Hill offers a fair and equitable partnership with emphasis on a sustainable Uh, let me explain it with beer.
How much did this beer cost you? Well, it used to be free.
Now it's like three bucks.
Miss you, Mom.
Let's say you sell beer.
You buy it for two and you sell it for three.
Boom.
Just doubled my money.
Yeah, well, sometimes everybody wants a beer, and you can sell it for four.
Yeah, well, that's good.
But then there's times when nobody wants a beer, and you can only sell it for a buck.
So? We got a shit-ton of beer.
We just drink it all.
The beers are cows.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
Our company buys your beer cows every year for three bucks, no matter what.
You never have to worry about ups or downs and you're guaranteed a good living for the rest of the year.
Well, that doesn't sound half bad.
I don't know, whatever.
It's Dad's call.
Yeah, but someday, fellas and I hope it ain't no time soon, it's gonna be your call.
Ed, I cannot tell you how refreshing it is to be talked to like an adult once in a while.
Yeah.
I'mma go out back and hose the mud out of my ass crack.
Then we're gonna talk about this.
Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Check it out, Dad.
Bought a truck.
Great.
Now you don't need the one I was gonna get you.
You serious? - Ah, he's kiddin', right? - Yeah, he's kiddin'.
You kiddin'? Yeah, you know me.
I'm a real jokester.
- Damn it, Colt! - Hey, Dad.
Listen, we, uh ran into Ed down at the bar.
He told us about that deal he offered you.
And we're thinkin' it kind of makes sense.
Stop.
We're not selling the ranch.
End of discussion.
Yeah, well, that's the thing.
It's not selling Stop.
Let me simplify this a little bit.
Imagine we've got a herd of beer cows Stop.
Look, Dad it actually makes a lot of sense, right? Like, if we partner with Neumann's Hill, we never have to struggle again.
We never have to turn off the power.
I mean, we didn't have TV.
Remember that night we were all playing Battleship and Colt was sharing his feelings? That was the worst fucking night of my life.
I remember that.
You sunk my self-esteem.
This way, we get to keep doin' what we love doin' and make a good livin' while doin' it.
- Yeah, like you said - we're partners, so maybe we ought to be a part of this decision.
When I said partner, I meant silent partners.
As in the next time you have an opinion, you can shove it up your brother's ass you seem to be so fond of.
Dad, whether you like it or not, this is gonna be our ranch someday.
Yeah, and hopefully that day is a long way away.
But you know, you're getting old er than you were last week, you know.
So the day after I call you partners, you're telling me to sell the ranch? No, it's not selling, Dad! If you weren't so stubborn, maybe you could see that.
Look, Dad, I've been working side by side with you for 15 years, you still treat me like a hired hand.
So here's what we're doin'.
Ed's gonna come up here, he's gonna pitch us all the deal, and then we'll decide together.
Really? Is that what we're gonna do? Whoa.
I always thought Dad was gonna die first, but now it might be you.
I don't care.
About time I told him he's not always right.
Hell, yeah.
We're adults.
It's about time he starts respecting us.
Oh, shit, here he comes, and he's got a weapon.
I've busted my ass for 50 years as an independent rancher.
There are good years and there are lean years.
But the one thing you can always hang your hat on is you work for yourself.
Dad, we don't work for ourselves.
We work for you.
That's right.
And one day this place will be yours.
And that's what this is all about.
If we sell out to Neumann's Hill, they'll put their brand on our cows.
And this, which my dad gave to me, and I will give to you, will be nothing but a useless piece of fuckin' iron.
If you can't see the problem with that, then I did an even worse job raising you two than I thought.
Dad, we barely made it through this time.
What if we have another bad year? Screw this.
I'm gonna go see if Abby broke up with Kenny yet.
All right.
Drop me off at Mary's on the way, would you? I mean, just 'cause we don't agree with him, doesn't mean we don't give a shit about this ranch.
I don't even know why we care.
He don't listen to us anyway.
When's he gonna take us seriously? We are mature adults, and we're capable of making good decisions.
Can't let Dad find out.
Help me push this piece of shit into a lake.
Damn it!