The Real O'Neals (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Real Thang

1 Kenny: So, after an exciting year of coming out and my parents announcing their divorce, the O'Neals were taking it easy.
Instead of having the big gay summer I'd always dreamed of, I watched one on TV.
You know we could've actually gone to the Gay Pride Parade.
Yeah, I'm just gonna come out and say it.
I prefer a hairless chest.
Together: Mm-hmm.
My mom had sort of come around to the idea of me being gay, but we still had a ways to go.
Oh, Kenny, you know I enjoy a good float as much as the next person, but why all the booty shorts and nipples? Can't you just tell the others to tone it down a bit? Sure thing.
We all know each other, so I'm just gonna hop on the rainbow Bat-phone and call everyone.
Thanks! I do it all night long - Do it, do it - [Telephone rings] - Hello? - Hey, Lance.
My mom needs everyone to tone it down.
I'm on it.
Hey, Jane.
It's Lance.
Kenny's mom says we need to smother the flame.
Copy that, Lancelot.
- Hello? - Hey, haircut, tamp it down.
- Eileen again? - We're reining in the unicorn.
- Tell everybody.
- That'll take forever.
I know somebody who can reach the whole gang at once.
Hello? Ru, we need you.
It's our friend in Chicago.
Dialing down the gay.
Got it.
I like to do it for you - I like to break it down - [Powering down] Damn.
Rihanna is fine.
Oh, child.
[Powering up] What was that? Ru? With summer over and school beginning again, life returned to, well, as normal as it could for my family.
[Door closes] Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
All right, I won't beat around the bush.
I got asked to be a super model in a fashion show! Is the person who asked you, you? And is the show right now? No, I was at the mall, and the assistant manager of a very mid-end women's boutique approached me.
The show is in two days.
I have to practice.
Good God.
Are you still cooking all that meat you bought at the store this summer? You weren't fooling around.
Of course I wasn't.
I never fool around.
Especially not with meat.
[Chuckles] It's summer, of all seasons.
Eileen, I am your almost ex-husband's brother's ex-wife.
- You can tell me anything.
- All right, fine.
You remember how I made out with the kids' Vice Principal at the end of the year and felt incredible shame? Yes.
Well, apparently, that shame wasn't enough to keep me from meeting him in the meat aisle of Watsons Market every Tuesday this summer.
- [Bell dings] - Oh, Look at that.
Flank steak.
I marinate mine in soy sauce.
Oh? - [Bell dings] - Veal chops? They're better with the bone in.
[Bell dings] [Bell dings continuously] But that is over and done with.
I have told him this is just a summer "thang.
" And as soon as I finish cooking this meat, he will be completely out of my system.
Well, your secret is safe with me.
Model's honor.
Oh Oh, my God, I'm so late! - Oh, take a pork chop! Oh.
- [Door shuts] Okay, okay, okay! I'm excited, 'cause today is the first day of my new health regimen.
So I got my little Fitbit thingy all hooked up, - and man, does that look good.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, Fitbit, how many steps to work off breakfast pork chops? - Uh, Dad - Shh.
This is precious.
Fitbit? I don't think I set this thing up right.
Fitbit? Okay.
So, I have an announcement.
You're also afraid of birds? What? No.
In honor of tomorrow being National Coming Out day, I wanted to do something to welcome the other gay kids at our school who are going to come out.
Blam! [Laughs] - Is that a foot? - I'm so sorry.
Hate to break it to you, Kenny, but after Clearly Gay Stuart transferred, I think you're the lone gay wolf.
That is not so.
Studies have shown that 3.
8% of all people are gay.
So, if there are 460 kids at St.
Barklay's, that means that 17.
5 of them are gay.
[Scoffs] Can someone be point-five gay? I prefer sparkling water, so probably.
Kenny, those numbers might be right at Fire Island High School, but not at St.
No, Mom, they're they're true everywhere.
That's why it's called a statistic.
Even if your so-called math is correct, I still say keep your socks and your secrets to yourself.
Okay, you know what? If you guys don't understand why Coming Out Day is so important, then I'm obviously gonna have to do more than just wear socks.
You know what? I'm gonna start an LGBT club at school.
If I build it, they will come out! Nice! "Field of Dreams.
" - Hey.
- What is I've never heard of that.
I love it, Kenny.
I'm all for starting an LGBT club.
Well, that's excellent.
Thank you.
Yeah, the only hiccup is I just gave your sister's sewing club the last available space.
But I can move you to the boiler room.
Yeah, I wonder how that's gonna look, you know? "Vice Principal keeps gays underground.
" Uh I will move Shannon to the boiler room.
Thank you.
Oh, um, by the way, how's your family doing? More specifically, your mother? Um, you and my mom [clears throat] at prom, that was like a that was like a one-time thing, right? A thing, a "thang.
" [Laughs] Either way, my phone's not ringing, see? [Laughs] Wait, is it on? Maybe that's been the Nope.
It's on.
I thought for a second it wasn't on, but it's on.
- [Sizzling] - [Cellphone buzzes] [Scoffs] Seriously? [Laughs] Oh, my Clive wants me to personally deliver the kids' vaccination records to him.
Which is obviously today's pathetic excuse to see me.
Are you sure there's not a small part of you that actually likes Clive? What? No.
How could I like a man who lives with his mother and wears bike shorts to run errands? Can't get over that Hootie and the Blowfish broke up.
When you call the rest of your band "Blowfish," there's gonna be resentment, Mr.
[Knock on door] Entrez-vous.
[Gasps] Oh, uh Mr.
O'Neal! Hello.
Eileen sent me down with the kids' vaccination records.
I actually didn't even know our kids were vaccinated, so it's good news.
Um, I can come back if I'm interrupting.
No! Nope.
Not interrupting.
Um, this is something I always do for parents who bring in documents.
You always do a floor picnic? Yeah.
[School bell rings] Hey, uh, your LGBT club pushed my sewing club to the boiler room.
I know, and I'm sorry about that, but my club is important.
Look, I even have a question box if there are things people are afraid to ask.
Well, here's a question Why do you think you're better than me? Well, I really prefer the questions to be written down.
And also, your club is not real.
You know, you're shortening uniform skirts for cash.
You're basically running a sweat shop.
- I am not.
- Sorry, Shannon.
I'm a little behind on my quota, but it's really hot in the boiler room and thgirls are asking for water.
No, Claire.
Water leads to bathroom breaks! Hey, okay, so, my college counselor seems to think that I need to be in a club, and I was thinking I could just jump into yours.
Well, I've checked out a bunch of different clubs.
Turns out physics is just a code word for science.
Okay, look, guys, I'm sorry, but my club is about more than looking good on a college application or making money.
It's a club for me and others like me started by me.
So, if you'll excuse me, I have to go inspire others to be more like me.
You have nimble fingers and a hearty constitution.
You could be in my sewing club.
[Scoffs] No, thank you.
Sewing is for fa-a-a brics.
Yep, maybe I do need to be in Kenny's club.
You know, it's nice to picnic with somebody.
Haven't done this since my divorce.
Picnics were kind of my go-to move.
Oh, I know what you mean.
I mean, not about picnics, because I'm a man, but I'm actually getting a divorce, as well.
I think I heard that in the teachers' lounge.
Not that I gossip.
I heard it from Mrs.
She's a drunk and she's losing her house.
Yeah, it's been tough, though, I mean, uh been trying to figure out how to be single again after all these years.
Even bought this fitness tracker because I thought it would help get me in shape.
[Scoffs] All it's been is a guilt bracelet.
$99 down the crapper! [Laughs] All right.
You know what we should do is link them together so we know how much we're each not walking.
[Laughter] Yeah, that's right.
Oh, another gherkin, Pat? Oh, I can never say no to a little pickle, Clive.
It's 3:29.
In one minute, the doors will open and the gay kids of St.
Barklay's will stream in.
Will they thank me? Yes.
Will they carry me on their shoulders? Of course.
I'm super light, and I've done a lot for them.
Talk to me, baby I'm going after this sweet, sweet craving, whoa-oh Let's lose our minds and go crazy, crazy I-I-I-I-I-I keep on hoping we'll eat cake by the ocean Hi.
I'm Allison.
You've probably never noticed me before.
I wear a lot of brown and blend in, especially in the classrooms with all the wood.
Unless it's an ash or a blond pine or an oak or cedar, which is reddish, or black walnut.
Or ipê.
Well, I am I'm so so happy that you are here.
[Laughs] But you didn't happen to bring any like, slightly, uh, more enthusiastic friends [laughs] did you? Al Allison? Oh, my, you really do blend in.
Are the questions anonymous? Um, I mean, it's just you and me, so, [laughs] so so no.
Jodi: Hi, hi! Eileen: Mm.
This is it.
It's the final piece of shame-meat.
Once I eat this, I will be completely free of VP Murray.
I just have to wait for some space in my body to open up.
Okay, well, while you digest, let's look at what I'll be wearing in the Chicagoland Fall Fashion Show! Wait.
I want you to share this with me.
- [Gasps] - [Sighs] - I did it.
- [Doorbell rings] Mm.
I feel like VP Murray never happened.
[Laughs] Eileen! What are you doing here? I ate all the meat.
You're gone.
I had no idea this was your house.
I assumed, as any rational person would, that divorced people no longer cohabitate.
Then what are you doing here? There's my Fitbit buddy! [Laughs] Wonder Twins activate! [Both laugh] I can't believe nobody has joined my LGBT club yet.
I joined.
This is the most important club at St.
We need to make gays more visible! No, Claire, 27 girls.
No, no, no, Shannon, you are not getting this classroom.
We are doing real work here.
Not enslaving underclassmen for some money-making scheme.
It's It's all right, Kenny.
It's my fault.
You were saying? I have an opportunity to be the voice of an entire generation of gay kids, Shannon.
If not me, who? If not now, when? Fine, but I was talking to the inter-club council, and you may be interested to know it takes five members to make an official club.
And you only have two.
Plus Jimmy.
That's three.
Whoa, why, really? I'm in? [Gasping] Yes, queen.
I can do that now that I'm in the club, right? No.
I am fascinated by your culture.
You're on borrowed time, brothers.
So, listen.
We'll see how this bike ride goes, but just so you know, I have been sitting on a little Groupon for go-kart racing for months.
Is that something you'd be into? Hellz yeah! If they rent helmets.
[Chuckles] Um [Clears throat] So, uh, I live with my mother.
And apparently you still live with your wife that you're divorcing.
Let's dig into that.
Well, there's not much to it.
I can't really afford to leave right now, anyway.
Plus, it's good for the kids.
Yeah, no, totes.
So, how would it work, say, if one of you Her more specifically Wanted to date somebody, hypothetically? Listen, it's not my problem anymore.
That's the poor guy who dates Eileen's problem.
[Laughs] Whoa! Oh, nerts.
Why don't you go wash up inside? Hey, no need, bro.
Let's do this.
- Well - Slippery little snapper.
You know what? I am just gonna go wash up inside.
[Door closes] May I use the facilities? I know you're using Pat to get closer to me.
It's not gonna work.
I'm not smart enough to pull that off.
Your rejection was quite clear.
Pat invited me over.
Yeah, right.
You think you can just come over here in those form-fitting bike shorts and your greasy hands and that part in your hair that stays perfect, even though you've been wearing that stupid helmet all day and tell me you're not here to see me? Oh, I will have you know No, woman! You had many chances to choose me.
You made your bed, which it seems I'll never be seeing because, as I'll remind you, what we had was just a "summer thang.
" Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a light to moderate bike ride to take with my new friend, Pat.
[Gasps] [Exhales] I can't believe I didn't get one person to come out on National Coming Out Day.
I mean if I can come out to my mom and live to tell the tale, why can't everyone? I love yo-yos.
Okay, Allison, this is important.
Maybe it's not that easy.
I haven't come out to my parents.
Wait, you haven't? Then then it's you! You're the one that's going to come out to your parents on National Coming Out Day.
- Today! - Oh, I'm not sure.
We always go to Granny Apples on Tuesdays.
- It's taco night.
- Oh, come on.
Allison, be the catalyst that busts open the closet door and frees the chains of gay oppression here at St.
Barklay's and beyond! Pick up my torch.
Carry on my legacy.
Be this year's Kenny O'Neal! That's a high-five.
Kenny O'Neal! [Sighs] [Door closes] Well, I guess I'm not gonna be the next Tyra Banks after all.
Apparently, Tip Tops is a line for larger gals.
Do I want to march down a runway and announce to the world, "Hey, I'm plus-size!" Absolutely not.
Really? You've always been so comfortable in your own skin.
You never worried about what other people thought.
I've always admired that about you.
I wish I could say the same.
I'll make you a deal.
I'll do the modeling gig if you go out with VP Murray on a real date.
And why would I do that? Because it's National Coming Out Day.
And if I can come out as somebody who's plus-size, you can come out as somebody who's got a crush on a thin man in Lycra.
Couple of dudes taking a ride.
Of all the fabrics in all the world, he had to wear that one.
I'm telling you, Allison coming out to her parents is exactly the spark our club needs to get kids to join.
Well, I hope so.
Otherwise I don't know who's gonna answer all my questions.
Are you gonna give up yet? I'm hearing my girls will unionize if I don't provide light and air.
Sorry to disappoint, but my club is actually coming together.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
What That was one of my questions "How long did it take to build Rome?" What this is? What is this? "What do you do when you want to come out to your parents, but you're worried they're going to kick you out because they've said things like 'If you're gay, we'll kick you out'?" [Laughs] I didn't write this.
- Did I? - No.
Allison must have.
[Sighs] I had no idea.
That's rough.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
The one member of my club, and I gave her dangerous advice.
How did I get so carried away? Probably when you started calling yourself Gay Moses.
Yep, that was the moment.
You guys, we have to stop her.
Jimmy! Well, I guess I'll never know what "Lost" was really all about.
Um, so, thank you for texting me that we might be a multi-seasonal thang.
Well, I thought we should see if there's more to this relationship than meat.
[Laughs] I hope you don't mind that we're just driving around and not going anywhere, you know public.
This is perfect.
Would you be opposed to a little Hootie? - Very.
- Oh.
- [Police siren wailing] - Dad, go! - Step on it! - Faster! We have to stop her! - She can't come out to her parents! - Hurry! Guys, I'm doing 80 in a school zone! A third grader just flipped me off.
Okay, well, then, um just pretend that she's going to get the last order of nachos if she gets there first.
Here's a question I have been dying to ask.
- Hmm? - Do you like water parks? I think they're cesspools of poverty.
But go on.
- [Siren chirps] - Uh-oh.
Oh, my God, it's Pat.
He's coming for us! Stay calm! - Stay calm! - Clive! Pull over! Pull over! If I don't make it, tell Mother I always hated her! Never tell Mother what I said.
[Tires screech] Jimmy: There she is.
- Come on, Kenny! - I'm going, going, going - Come on! - I'm going! Allison, you forgot your homework.
I'll meet you guys inside.
Get me the usual? Broccoli with a side of rice.
Broccoli, on taco night? Oh, Allison.
I know.
I'm bland and ordinary.
But I guess that all changes after I go inside and tell them.
Or Or Or do.
I just It was wrong of me to force you to come out to your parents before you were ready.
That's That's not my call to make.
But you were right.
It's important for the club.
No, uh it was important for me.
I got caught up in my experience and how now that I'm out, everyone else should be, too.
But my journey is not yours.
You have to come out when it's safe and right for you.
You're not disappointed in me? No.
You know, I guess it's okay that nobody came out on National Coming Out Day.
There are other days.
That's not true.
I came out to you.
Really? I was the first person you came out to? Yeah.
Your club inspired me.
And those socks.
Allison, you're not wearing all brown! [Laughs] You should roll up that other pant leg, show 'em off a little bit.
I'm gay, not a whore.
Are you sassy, Allison? You have no idea.
When I wake up in the morning I see nothing So National Coming Out Day wasn't as big as I expected.
But I guess we all have to come out in our own way.
And when I sleep in the evening, oh Lord There she goes Only in dreams She's only in dreams You can come out to just one person Or you can come out to the world.
- [Cheers and applause] - But however you do it, just make sure you support each other.
Hey, girl! - Whoo! - Yeah! [Cheering continues] Well, we may not be an official club, but at least we have a banner.
- I'm so excited.
- Are you? Hey, Shannon, thanks for letting us share the room.
Just because I watch my bottom line doesn't mean I don't have a heart.
All right, ladies, the gay banner ate up 30 minutes.
I wouldn't plan on being home for dinner.