The Simpsons Episode Scripts

Brush With Greatness

Live from Mt.
Splashmore, the county's funnest water park -it's The Krusty the Clown Show! -Hey, kids! You know, today's the last day of our special week on location at fabulous Mt.
Splashmore.
I just want to say these people have been super to me and Sideshow Mel.
The food, the grog.
They threw a brunch with fresh fruit and the most delicious melon.
The thing I'll miss most is those special Mt.
Splashmore water slides, God bless them.
So fun.
So many memories.
Excuse me.
It has been a great week, hasn't it, Lis? Come out and pack this place, just to show them how grateful I am.
I told them you would.
Don't make me a liar! Okay, kids! It's time to.
I want to go to Mt.
Splashmore Take me, take me Take me now Now now now Now now Mt.
Splashmore Take me there right now -This is a rather shameless promotion.
-Worked on me.
-Will you take us to Mt.
Splashmore? -No.
-Will you take us to Mt.
Splashmore? -No! -Will you take us to Mt.
Splashmore? -No! -Will you take us to Mt.
Splashmore? -No! -Will you take us to Mt.
Splashmore? -No! If I take you, will you two shut up? -Yeah! -Of course! -Will you take us to Mt.
Splashmore? -Yes! Come on, Homer! Get the lead out! Homer, that suit doesn't leave much to the imagination.
-Kids, I'm moving the seat back.
-It is back.
Everybody, stick together.
We don't want to get separ-- D'oh! Challenge the raging waters of death! Discover what water's really made of! -H-2-Whoa! -Whoa! All right! No line! Ay caramba! Okay.
Turn on the waterworks, babe.
Mommy! I want my mommy! Step aside.
Spread out.
Lost kid coming through.
Pardon me.
Moving to the front.
Nice work, babe.
No, Maggie! Stay in the shallow end.
The hell with this! Slide inspector coming through! Move to the right.
-Move! I'm here for your safety.
-God bless that man! Bitchen.
What? Come on, you stupid tube! There's a jam in Delta sector.
Too big to be human.
Send kids to dislodge it.
Roger.
Can't breathe.
Too many children.
Boo! Boo! Witnesses estimate the man's weight at 400 to 500 pounds.
On the lighter side of news, and I use the term loosely.
It's safe! This was an isolated incident! I understand, Krusty.
Isn't that what you said before the recall of Krusty-Brand Mayonnaise? That question is out of bounds.
Interview's over! All right, family.
I want the truth.
Don't pull any punches.
Am I just a little bit overweight? Well, am I? Forgive us, but it takes time to properly sugarcoat a response.
Four hundred thirty seven-- Fifty-five? My God! Three hundred and-- A hundred and fifty? Oh, my God! Two hundred and sixty pounds! I'm a big, fat pig! Now, Homer, you do have big bones.
Marge, no one gains I'm going on a diet! From now on there'll be no pork chop too succulent, no donut too tasty no pizza too laden with delicious toppings to prevent me from reaching my ideal weight! As God is my witness, I'll always be hungry again! D'oh! Shut up! This old attic's kind of spooky, isn't it? I said, isn't it? Don't ever do that again! Okay.
Get away from that and find my athletic equipment! -Homer, I found your weights.
-Oh, the Glutimus Maximizer.
-Who's the mop-top with the schnoz? -That's Ringo Starr.
What is this? Your mother must have painted this.
I guess she thought he was cute.
What? Hey! What the--? Marge! Don't be jealous.
I was a schoolgirl.
-The Beatles were very popular.
-A likely story.
Why did I have to start my diet on pork chop night? Homer, we've got steamed vegetables and rice cakes for you.
Wait, I've been setting my drinks on these things! They're only 35 calories apiece.
Hello? Hello! Hello, taste? Where are you? -Put something on top, for flavor.
-Now you're talking! These paintings are good.
I know how fragile young talent is.
Tell me how your gift was squashed.
Well.
-Another one of that bongo beater! -Mr.
Schindler-- One might've used this canvas to paint a masterpiece.
Instead, you've soiled it forever.
-Now this is art! -Thanks, Mr.
Schindler.
I can't believe you gave up because of one small-minded art teacher.
I sent the portrait to the only man whose opinion I could trust.
And what was Ringo's response? I never got any.
I never painted again.
Take a class at community college.
-What do you think, Homer? -Do I have to do anything? -No.
-Great! Fine! Go nuts! Only 35 calories.
-Hello, Mrs.
Homer! -Apu, why are you here? I enrolled in Screenwriting.
I yearn to tell the story of a young Hindu pushed too far by Quik-E-Mart bandits: -It's Hands off My Jerky, Turkey.
-Clever title.
-Thanks.
My brother thought of it.
-Next up.
My mother would like to enroll in Painting from Life 2B.
Not so fast there.
No one can enroll until Mr.
Lombardo approves their portfolio.
-Lisa, this was a bad idea.
-Mom.
Very good.
Fabulous.
Even better! You have real talent.
You think so? My art teacher hated them.
What? The man was a fool! -I admire the force of his conviction.
-I'm in the class? There couldn't be a class without you.
If you'll excuse me, nature calls.
Marvelous! -The Heavy Hands only work if you move.
-I can't.
Oh, really? Now, using the Lombardo method you learn to see everyday objects as simple geometrical shapes.
Here, we see how two circles, various trapezoids, ellipses and yes, even a rhombus can create an adorable bunny rabbit.
It's just that easy! Lincoln, I've been thinking What have you been drinking? Is it water? Is it wine? Oh, my gosh, it's turpentine Bravo! Walk away.
Now it belongs to the ages.
Not another stroke! Oh, one more.
That's it! Perfect! Indeed.
You find the inner beauty of your subject.
-Thank you, professor.
-You're welcome.
Marge, walk with me.
They want me to submit a painting from my class to the art exhibition next week.
I've decided to choose your Bald Adonis.
Really? I wish every teacher was like you.
Marge, please.
I don't take praise very well! Oh! Another triumph! -I can't believe it! -Yeah, Mom! I'm a work of art! Last Supper, eat your heart out.
Garbage! What matchbook art school did you flunk out of, housepainter? -Throw this on the dung heap! -I quit.
Well, I guess that's artistic temperament.
Sir, the dedication of the Burns Wing of the museum -is six days away.
-Damnation! This is as half-baked as your idea about me having children.
Find me an artist.
You've systematically alienated Springfield's entire art community.
-The only one left is Mrs.
Simpson.
-Who? She's the wife of an employee.
She'll be easily intimidated.
Excellent! Once again, the wheel has turned and Dame Fortune has hugged Montgomery Burns to her sweet bosom.
-Somebody up there likes me.
-Down here too.
Shut up! D'oh! D'oh! Two-forty-nine! Yeah! Marge! Marge, look at me! -My clothes are hanging off me.
-That's wonderful! Right, kids? I told you to show support.
-Way to go, Dad! -You look marvelous! Oh, what a family.
What gives? These donuts are piling up.
-Homer Simpson went on a diet.
-Oh, my God! And I just bought a boat! -Don't people answer the door? -Allow me.
Open up! Open up! Mr.
Burns! Would you like to come in? He'd like to commission a portrait.
-Have you painted the rich? -No, just Ringo Starr.
Ring Go? He was the drummer for the Beatles.
Beatles, eh? Oh, yes.
I remember their off-key caterwauling on the old Sullivan show.
This commission and all of its glory can be yours but you must answer one question.
-Shoot.
-Can you make me beautiful? -That won't be a problem.
-I'm no matinee idol.
Maybe not, but I have the gift of seeing inner beauty.
Mrs.
Simpson, you may immortalize me.
At last, the world will see you as I always have.
Yes.
Now don't be stingy with the blush, Smithers.
Now, you, paint! -Honey, I'm home! -There's an original sentiment.
Take it outside.
I'm male-modeling.
-I'm painting his portrait.
-Isn't that wonderful? My work and my home life, come together in such a nice way.
Marge, may I see you? He thinks he's handsome.
You've gotta make him look handsome! Don't worry.
All I need to do is find Mr.
Burns' inner beauty.
What were you like as a boy? Did you have a dog that you loved? -Something's on my leg! Get it off! -Mr.
Burns, she's just a baby! All right, all right.
Who took the funny pages? So Ziggy goes to the repair shop.
There's a sign reading "Out of Order.
" Oh, Ziggy, will you ever win? Oh, my.
Excuse me! I'm changing for a meeting! I'm so sorry, Mr.
Burns.
-Did he have spots all over his body? -I heard that! Should I leave too, sir? Of course not, Smithers.
You're like a doctor.
Smithers! I want my tea! Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around? Actually, I value every second.
I squeeze his juice each morning.
I tuck him in at night.
He's not just my boss.
He's my best friend.
-Too hot! -Right.
It's scalding me as we speak.
"Dear Sally, in response to your letter of Dec.
12, 1966" me favorite color's blue, and me real name's Richard.
Thanks for the snapshot.
You're a real cute bird.
Love, Ringo.
"PS: Forgive the late reply.
" -Mr.
Starr, tea.
-Set it over there.
If you'll forgive me, your devotion to your fans is remarkable.
They took the time to write me.
Even if it takes 20 more years, I'm going to answer every one of them.
Hello! What's this? From Springfield, U.
S.
A.
Gear! -Cease that infernal tootling! -I was practicing.
It's hard to find your beauty if you're shouting at a little girl.
We've only got two days left.
Shut up and paint! Okay, scale.
We don't like each other but I've been good so treat me right! All right! Marge! I'm two-thirty-nine and feeling fine I'm using the original notches! That's wonderful, Homer! I'm-- Let me get this straight.
You're pleased with your current appearance? You're the fattest thing I've ever seen and I've been on safari.
If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator.
I've had enough of your posing! I can finish the portrait myself.
Another day and I would've needed a Valium.
Thank you for your hospitality.
See you at the unveiling.
What are you doing? Give me that! He's right.
What's the use? Don't listen to him! He's a mean little SOB.
Oh, Marge! -I thought there's good in everybody.
-Just paint a nice picture of him.
I don't think I can.
-Marge, you have to! -I can't make him beautiful! I guess I'm no artist.
Hello.
What's this? For you, Marge.
From merry ol' England.
-From the desk of Ringo Starr! -Dear Marge.
Thanks for the fab painting.
I hung it on me wall.
You're quite an artist.
Yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England but we call French fries "chips.
" Love, Ringo.
PS: Forgive the lateness of my reply.
Come on, Marge, paint! I think you can do it.
Okay, Homer.
If you think I can.
Friends, art lovers, security personnel.
It's a great day for the Palace of Fine Arts.
A new wing for our museum, and a portrait commemorating the man who ponied up the dough.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I invite you to behold Montgomery Burns? Smithers.
I don't care for this at all.
Hello, my name is Marge Simpson and I painted this.
Maybe you'd like to know what possessed me.
I guess I wanted to show that beneath Mr.
Burns' fearsome head with its cruel lips, spiteful tongue and evil brain there was a frail, withered body, perhaps not long for this world as vulnerable and beautiful as any of God's creatures.
Yes! Provocative, but powerful.
He's bad, but he'll die.
So I like it.
Marge, a word please.
You know, I'm no art critic, but I know what I hate.
I don't hate this.
Your painting is bold but beautiful.
And incidentally, thanks for not making fun of my genitalia.
I thought I did.