The Simpsons Episode Scripts

N/A - Lisa's Substitute

Hear about Miss Hoover? She drank some drain cleaner.
I heard she fell down a well.
Come on, now.
She's been dumped again.
I won't be staying long.
I just learned I have Lyme disease.
Principal Skinner will stay until a sub comes.
-What's Lyme disease? -I know.
Lyme disease is spread by ticks.
When a tick begins to suck your blood spirochetes infest your blood and spinal fluid and then the brain.
The brain.
Oh, dear God! Come on, Elizabeth.
Well, now, children, here we are.
Open your primers to page 32.
Ah, subtraction! Bart Simpson, I know it's you! And here comes Snowball II.
We kept this one.
The mother ate the gray one.
Mrs.
Krabappel, he's traumatizing us.
I agree.
Bart, shut that off and sit down.
Look, this is cool.
When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in.
No, you're not seeing things.
This, my little friends, is a schwa.
-Are you the substitute? -I am.
-Are you insane? -It's how I get their attention.
All right.
Play friendly with your new teacher, children.
Howdy.
I'm a Texas cowboy from 1830.
-Ask me anything you like.
-Can we play kickball? Kickball? There ain't no kickball in 1830.
Any other questions? Shoot! It's awfully quiet.
Well, how about this? I want to see both eyes up here.
There are three things wrong with my costume.
Name them and you get my hat.
-I know the answer.
-What's your name? -Lisa Simpson.
-Well, go ahead.
Your belt says "State of Texas, " but it wasn't a state until 1845.
Very good.
-The revolver wasn't around till 1835.
-Excellent.
You seem to be Jewish.
-You sure? -Italian? -Jewish.
-Cowboys aren't Jewish.
Good! I also have a digital watch, but I'll accept that.
For the record, there were some Jewish cowboys.
Big guys who spent money freely.
I'm Mr.
Bergstrom.
You can make fun of my name.
Two suggestions are Mr.
Nerd-strom and Mr.
Booger-strom.
Today we will begin selecting a class president.
I can't vote, but I suggest Martin.
Martin? As president, I would demand a science fiction library featuring an ABC of the overlords of the genre: -Asimov, Bester, Clarke-- -What about Bradbury? I'm aware of his work.
Thank you, and keep watching the skies.
Excellent! Excellent, Martin! If you're through with your pemmican, why don't we sing a song? This one's not very accurate, but we'll fix it.
Okay? Actually, the range was far from home.
It was a desolate place of danger and disease.
Unlike the efficient Indians cowboys used only the tongue of the antelope.
What's this? Did you do it? No! I would never do anything like that.
It was one of those immature-- -Can I have it? -Yes, but I didn't do it.
-Are you sure you didn't? It's good.
-I wish I had.
Class, "The Singing Dork.
" Lisa! -Any more nominations? -We nominate Bart Simpson! Speech! I had a speech, but my dog ate it.
Children! Bart, I need someone to deliver a note to the principal.
-Would you do it? -But where's the principal's office? What did I say about encouraging him? When Bart wins approval for being a fool-- Yay, Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! "Nobody, of the hundreds of people that visited the fair" knew that a gray spider had played the most important part of all.
"No one was with her when she died.
" Come on, everybody has a talent.
-I wanna see yours.
-I don't have one.
There has to be something you do better than anyone.
-Well, I can do this.
-Yes! Great! How about you, Ralph? Wonderful! Chuck? Disgusting.
I love it! Lisa, you're holding out.
I see a saxophone! -I can't.
-Come on.
I bet you're good.
-I can't.
-Sure you can.
-Please don't make me do it.
-You owe me one.
While I'm technically married it hasn't been much of a marriage since Mr.
Krabappel moved out.
This profession can strain a marriage.
I've been looking for a substitute to teach me a lesson I sorely need.
Mrs.
Krabappel, you're trying to seduce me.
Well? I'm sorry.
You're very nice, but it's the children I love.
Mr.
Bergstrom is the first thing I think of when I wake up.
I feel that way about Homer.
You don't understand.
When he smiles, you see these teeth.
But when he laughs, you see these.
The eyeteeth.
I don't know if he had braces, but they're perfect.
I notice little things about Homer.
Mom, this man makes you feel like there's nobody better.
-So does Homer.
-Mom, are we gonna talk or what? You have to accept that I feel that way about your father.
Fine.
Yesterday, he read us Charlotte's Web and cried at the end.
A book made him cry! Nobody gets back in after lunch without one igneous rock that's volcanic, and one sedimentary.
-Lisa, can I see you? -Yes! Yes? Your homework is always so neat.
Does your father help you? -Homework's not his specialty.
-It's okay.
My dad could-- -Not mine.
-Let me finish.
Unless the next word was "burp, " don't bother.
In a sample taken in our classroom an inspector found 1.
74 parts per million of asbestos! That's not enough! We demand more asbestos! More asbestos! More asbestos! More asbestos! -You made the front page.
-It's just a popularity contest.
"Just a popularity contest"? What's more important than popularity? -Bart, can you really win? -Sure, why not? I knew you had personality! They said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better! President Simpson.
Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it, boy? -Yeah.
-Now, go get them! He says, there are no easy answers! I say, he's not looking hard enough! You never lose appealing to the lowest common denominator.
-You'll miss Bart.
-When? When your life takes you places.
Places where my intelligence will be an asset? Yes, there is such a place.
Believe me.
I believe everything you say, with your words and Semitic good looks.
"Dear Miss Hoover: You have Lyme disease.
We miss you.
Kevin's biting me.
Here's a drawing of a spirochete.
Love, Ralph.
" Oh, that's great, Ralph! The Springfield Museum of Natural History will be closing down in two weeks.
Go see it while you can.
Lisa needs to go to the museum, and I think you should take her.
The museum? Tomorrow? Oh, Marge, I'd love to, but I was planning on Sleeping? Eating a big sandwich? TV? Spending time with the boy! spending time with the boy.
-I'm concerned about you and Lisa.
-Me too.
They're drifting apart.
-Shut up, boy.
-Homer, please.
You don't understand.
I can't-- You're trapped.
You're not smart enough to get out of this.
All right! I'll take her! Lousy brain.
-What's a "suggested donation"? -Pay what you wish.
-And what if I wish to pay zero? -It's up to you.
-So it's up to me, is it? -Yes.
And you think that people are gonna pay you $4.
50 when they don't have to, out of the goodness of their.
Anything you say! Good luck, lady! You'll need it! -Mr.
Bergstrom! -Hi, Lisa.
-Hey! You don't have to pay! -This must be your father.
His teeth were jagged, but he could swallow you whole.
Wow! Actually, they do know a great deal about mummification.
First, they pulled the brain out and stuffed the skull with onions.
Gross! Creepy.
But I'd rather have him after me than the Wolf Man.
Oh, Lord.
I've noticed that Lisa seems to feel she has no strong male role model.
-She said that? -No, but, you know, she-- But you can tell, right? She sees everybody else's dad with a good education and says, "What did I do to deserve this?" You must be a bigger man.
There's a wonderful girl's future at stake.
-lf she's so great, give her an A.
-I am.
-Great.
Tell her she earned it.
-She did earn it.
You are smooth.
I'll give you that.
He ruined my chance to get to know Mr.
Bergstrom outside school.
I'll tell you what, why don't we invite him to dinner? Oh, Mom, that's wonderful! -Can I help cook? -Yes.
-Can I wear jewelry? -Sure.
Dye my shoes? Paint my nails? Can we have wine? Can I have wine? Does Bart have to be there? We request the pleasure of your company-- No.
If you're not doing anything this Friday-- No.
Mr.
Bergstrom, do you like pork chops? Oh, no, of course not.
Good morning, Lisa.
I'm back.
My Lyme disease turned out to be -psychosomatic.
-Does that mean you're crazy? -It means she was faking.
-It was a little of both.
Sometimes when a disease is on the news, it's natural to think you have it.
-Where's Mr.
Bergstrom? -Don't know.
But I'd like to talk to him.
He didn't use my lesson plan.
-What did he teach you? -That life is worth living.
The polls are open till the end of recess.
In case any of you have thought about this we'll hear final statements.
Martin? I don't think there's anything left to say.
-Bart? -Victory party under the slide! Mr.
Bergstrom! Mr.
Bergstrom! He moved out this morning.
He took his Copernicus costume.
Where is he? He's taking the train to Capital City.
The train.
How like him.
Traditional, yet environmentally sound.
Yes.
And it's been the backbone of our country since Stanford drove in that golden spike.
I see he touched you too.
-Thanks for your vote.
-Voting's for geeks! You got that right.
-Thanks for your vote.
-We forgot.
Oh, well, as long as a couple of people did.
Right, Milhouse? Lewis? -Somebody must have voted.
-What about you? Didn't you vote? I demand a re-count.
Two for Martin.
Want another re-count? -No.
-I want to make sure.
One for Martin, two for Martin.
This way, Mr.
President! Now boarding the Afternoon Delight.
Mr.
Bergstrom! Hey, Lisa.
-Hey, Lisa, indeed! -What? What is it? Were you just gonna leave, just like that? I'm sorry, Lisa.
It's the life of the substitute teacher.
He's a fraud.
Today he wears gym shorts, tomorrow he speaks French or runs a band saw or God knows what.
You're the best teacher I'll ever have.
-That's not true.
Others will come.
-Oh, please! You're right, I'm the best.
But they need me over in Capital City.
But I need you too.
When you're middle-class anybody who cares will leave to help someone needier.
I understand.
Mr.
Bergstrom, I'm gonna miss you.
I'll tell you what.
Whenever you feel alone like there's no one you can rely on this is all you need to know.
Thank you, Mr.
Bergstrom.
-All aboard! -So, I guess this is it.
If you don't mind, I'll run alongside the train as it speeds you from my life.
Goodbye, Lisa, honey! It'll be okay.
Just read the note! Bart didn't get one vote? This is the worst thing that could happen! All right, spilled milk.
What are you so mopey about? -Nothing.
-Lisa, tell your father.
-Mr.
Bergstrom left.
-Oh? -He's gone.
Forever.
-And? I didn't think you'd understand.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
I'm glad I'm not crying.
I'd hate for you to think that what I'm gonna say is based on emotion.
But you, sir, are a baboon! -Me? -Yes, you! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon! -You don't realize what you're saying.
-Baboon! Someone was bound to say it, but I never expected her.
Did you hear that? She called me a baboon! The stupidest and ugliest ape of all! You're not allowed to be hurt now.
A little girl needs you.
Her confidence in you is shaken and no little girl can be happy without faith in her daddy.
"Go away.
" Lisa, don't hold anything back.
You can tell me.
-You're sad you called me a baboon? -No! Nuts.
This isn't going well at all.
-lf you want me to forgive-- -No, I just wish I knew what to say.
But maybe this music will help.
Now, you lost someone special and it hurt.
I never lost anyone special to me.
Everyone special to me is under this roof.
It's true.
Now, you'll have lots of special people in your life.
There's probably a place they hang out and the food is good, and guys like me are serving drinks.
Maybe I can't explain all this, but I can fix your dollhouse.
At least I'm good at monkey work.
You know, monkey? You know what I mean? I can hold these nails in place with my tail.
-You're so silly.
-Give me a banana.
-I don't have any.
-You're holding out on me.
-I'm sorry I called you a baboon.
-Think nothing of it.
President Prince, President Princess, President Priss.
Hey, what's the matter, son? Oh, Dad.
If just me, Milhouse and Lewis had voted.
Would you have gotten any money for being class president? -No.
-Would you have more work? Yeah.
Is Martin gonna get to do anything neat like play in the World Series? -No.
-So, let the baby have his bottle.
That's my motto.
Hey, thanks, monkey-man.
Holy moly, talk about parenting.
Sleep well, Maggie.
Three for three.
-Did you straighten everything--? -Don't say anything, Marge.
Let's just go to bed.
I'm on the biggest roll of my life.