The Simpsons Episode Scripts

N/A - The War of the Simpsons

Mmm! "Hors doovers.
" -Homer! You promised.
-That I wouldn't eat? Never.
You lie.
Please! We've never thrown a party.
We'll pay back those who invited us to their homes.
What about that bash with champagne and musicians and holy men? -That was our wedding! -Oh.
It's time for bed.
-I want to hear your witty banter.
-You can't have fun in bed.
Oh, son, when you're older, you'll know better.
Oh, baby.
Mmm! Yeah.
-They're here! -How do I look? -Glasses? -Gag ice cubes? -Put a record on.
-What are their names? -Hi.
-Please come in.
You look swell.
And the house! You've done.
Whatever! Anybody mind if I serve as bartender? I have a Ph.
D.
in mixology.
College boy.
Care to try my Flanders planter's punch? Why not? I paid for it.
Next time put a little alcohol in it.
It has three shots of rum, a jigger of bourbon and a little crème de cassis for flavor.
Well, I do have a warm sense of well-being, and I'm slurring my words.
-Give me another.
-Go easy on the alcohol.
Remember when you threw up in the laundry hamper? No.
Hi! You're Homer's sister-in-law, right? I remember you.
But I don't remember you being so beautiful.
A new kind of Mace? Really painful.
Oh, Dr.
Hibbert.
Enjoying the party? Not really.
Someone slipped one of those novelty ice cubes with a fake fly in my drink.
-You fell for it! -Homer these ice cubes are made from highly toxic chemicals.
A real fly is more sanitary.
The look on your face.
It's priceless! -Bart! Come here.
-What? -You're a little monkey, aren't you? -Yes, sir.
-Do that cute thing you do.
-What? -That thing you know how to do.
-What? Go to bed.
Everybody! Look! I'm the funniest guy in the world! Oh, Homer! You're the king.
I've been wanting to tell you off for years but I never had the nerve.
I don't know you.
Our wives are friends.
We just met.
You stink! You and your whole lousy operation stinks.
I quit! -Gee, don't quit.
-All right.
Could you give me a -handful of peanuts, Maude? -Oh, sure.
Not those peanuts.
-The ones at the bottom.
-Oh, okay.
Thanks for inviting me.
I had a great time.
I apologize for my husband.
If you want him to live, roll him onto his stomach.
Thanks, I will, Dr.
Hibbert.
Remember, I said "if.
" I have never been so embarrassed in my life! Why? What did you do? Marge! Come here.
-Where are we going? -Shh! I don't want the kids to hear.
I always hated hearing my parents fight.
-They're fighting again.
-That music gives me the chills.
Do you remember the way you acted at the party? The way I acted? I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.
-Well said.
-Thank you.
-A fly! -I put it there.
-You did? -I slipped it in.
-Pure hilarity! -Pure Homer! The most whimsical jape of the season.
I like to think that there's no line you could cross that could make me not love you.
But last night, you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it.
Can't we just forget it and go to church? I'm going alone.
You stay here and explain to Bart -why you scarred him for life.
-No, I didn't! l-- Oh.
You mean inside, don't you? You might have noticed Daddy acting strange and probably don't know why.
-You were wasted.
-I didn't know when to say when.
I just hope you didn't lose respect for me.
I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Before a preview of next week's sermon I have some announcements to make.
We have some new pamphlets including "Satan's Boners" "Good Grief, More Satan's Boners, " and for teens, "It's Not Cool To Fry In Hell.
" Marge? Marge? The Lord and I can't compete with the squeaking of Homer's shoes.
Why don't we wait until he sits? -Sorry.
-Sit down.
We will be holding our third annual marriage retreat at Catfish Lake.
Counseling for couples whose marriages are hanging by a thread or those in need of a tune-up.
To participate please sign up in the lobby.
Will the Simpsons be attending? Oh, well.
It's very tempting.
A wonderful idea-- Marge! What are you doing? Are you insane?! Give me that pencil! -We'll be there.
-D'oh! Marriage encounter, here I come! -You want to go? -They're holding it at Catfish Lake.
They couldn't call it that if it didn't have a catfish in it.
We're going to give our marriage a tune-up.
No fishing.
That's the babysitter.
I'm Mrs.
Simpson.
Simpson? Simpson? Come back for more, eh? No! What--? Where are we supposed to get a sitter? If we can't find a babysitter, we can't go! What a kick in the teeth.
Why do you need a sitter? I'm 10 1/2! Mom! No.
-I'll give you a taste of me hand.
-No! -Grampa? -Hey! Who? What? -Could you do something? -I can dress myself.
Could you babysit the kids this weekend? -I wouldn't ask, except I'm desperate.
-Sure.
Last resort.
Old Grampa, the feeb.
The guy who can't be counted on for nothing, nohow.
Everyone's against me.
I'll do it.
Just putting a few things in the trunk.
If Maggie gets sick, call here.
If she sticks her finger in a socket, here.
If she drinks cleanser-- -Give me the list! I can read.
-All right.
Goodbye.
And behave yourselves.
-Call this number if he falls.
-I heard that! Bye, Dad, Mom! Grampa, Mom forgot to give you this.
It's a list of the things Lisa and I can and can't do.
You can smoke cigars? Mmm, bait! Better get some gas.
Fill her up.
I guess I'll go stretch my legs.
-Where to? -Catfish Lake.
-After General Sherman? -Who's General Sherman? The biggest catfish around.
Weighs over 500 pounds.
-Who says that? -They do.
Oh.
That's the only picture of him.
Can't see what he is.
He's freakishly big, though.
Gentlemen, I am going to catch General Sherman.
Oh, my! We'll go to the video store, grab a burger and head for the arcade.
Grampa's an old man who trusts us.
-Is it right to take advantage of him? -In these crazy times who knows what's right or wrong? My gut's telling me: Bleed Gramps dry.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Simpson.
Welcome.
Hello.
We're glad we could come.
-Hi, Helen.
-Hi.
Homer.
Here to give your marriage a little spit shine? None of your business.
Say, Reverend -are we gonna do any fishing? -Oh, I'm afraid not.
A marriage can't be reconciled in a few hours.
It takes a weekend.
Bait our hooks with honesty.
That way a happy marriage -won't get away.
-I see.
I also understand bowling.
Our best turnout yet.
Why doesn't everyone introduce themselves and tell us why they're here? John? Gloria? My name's Gloria.
I'm here because Johnny hasn't been able to cut it, manwise, for some time.
Not that I'd want his odor of sour defeat pressed against me.
-That's enough! -Thank you.
Why don't you tell us about why you're here? She keeps a filthy house and talks profanely.
-She's the Queen of the Harpies! -No, I'm not.
-Here's your crown, Your Majesty! -Get away from me! You've come to the right place.
First, look into each others' eyes.
Your eyes! I forgot how beautiful they are.
-Let's never fight.
-We were fools.
-Let's not talk about that.
-Let's not talk at all! Remember my saving your lives when we pass the collection plate.
All right.
Ned, Maude, what brings you here? -Well.
-Go on, Neddie.
Sometimes Maude underlines passages in my Bible -because she can't find hers.
-Lucky you don't keep guns.
-Homer, why are you here? -Oh.
-Because I looked down her dress.
-No, no.
Marge will tell us all your faults.
Tell us about hers.
-She's perfect.
-What are her faults? -It can be annoying.
-Homer.
-You'll get your turn.
-I'm done.
Okay.
Marge.
Well.
It's not that I don't love the guy.
I'm always sticking up for him.
-It's just that he's self-centered.
-Wait! Now, Homer.
He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays.
He chews with his mouth open, he gambles.
He hangs out at a seedy bar with lowlifes.
-It's true.
It's all true.
-Don't interrupt.
He blows his nose on towels and puts them back.
Only a couple of times.
Chocolate, chocolate brownie fudge.
-Chocolate-chocolate chip.
-Check.
-Did she really write that list? -What a question! -Next? -Syrup.
-Aisle six.
-All right.
But put out that cigar.
He drinks out of the carton.
He never changes the baby.
When he sleeps he makes chewing noises.
And when he wakes up he makes honking noises.
Oh, and he scratches himself with his keys.
I guess that's it.
Wait.
He kicks me in his sleep and his toenails are long and yellow.
That's all I can think of.
You're all tired.
I want to thank you for letting me get it off my chest.
We missed the luau.
Let's call it a night.
But I can't avenge my partner's death with this peashooter.
That cannon of yours is against regulations! In this department we go by the book.
-Bye, book.
-All right! Kids, it's late.
You should go to bed.
We've had a big day.
Wise guy.
Little smart aleck.
I can't kid myself.
I'm having an ethical crisis.
Out at 5.
Catch Sherman at 5:30.
Clean him at 6.
Eat him by 6:30.
Back in bed by 7 with no incriminating evidence.
-The perfect crime.
-Homer? You're going fishing? I can't believe your selfishness.
You can go fishing anytime.
But we're here to save our marriage.
You're thinking about fishing while I'm talking.
-Can I be honest? -Yes.
You're right, I am! Help me, Marge.
-What do I do to be a good guy? -Get back in bed.
All right.
But I can't sleep.
Can I take a walk? Sure.
Gotta be a good husband.
Gotta be a good husband.
Gotta be a good husband.
Hey, kid! You forgot your-- Go ahead, General Sherman! Waste your strength, you big, ugly catfish.
I got a skillet and some butter with your name on it.
Homer? -Sugar? -Ten, please.
-Top me off.
-Does your ma let you drink coffee? For the last time, yes! Come on, give up! Big blowout at casa de Simpson.
The only adult is frail.
Bart's joint.
Two-ish.
Be there or be square.
Tell my friends? All right.
But I've got some funky friends.
I get out at noon, and I'm already invited to a party.
Now, this is a trust exercise.
You fall backwards and rely on your spouse to catch you.
-Do I have to do this? -No.
I wouldn't recommend it.
As a trained marriage counselor this is the first time I've told a partner they were right.
It's all his fault.
I'm willing to put that on a certificate.
Okay.
You're probably wondering why I'm still here.
You'll make me the most famous fisherman ever.
Right up there with that the the bald guy in the cable fishing show.
Holy mackerel! Good to see you.
What's up? -Any chicks over 8? -Not yet, but the afternoon is young.
-What's wrong? -It's obvious.
We've set back the children's rights movement for decades.
You're really great.
Hey, you! You! Shut that door! Put that away! No! Stop! Oh! -You want me to take off my belt? -Yeah.
All right, I'll show you.
Doggone it! I love you! But I must kill you! Thanks for coming.
Nice tie, Nelson.
It's your dad's.
I tried to be a good babysitter, but I failed.
I'm a feeb.
A useless, old, worn out.
I have this unpleasant feeling I've never had before.
It's remorse, you burlesque of irrepressible youth.
-How do you make it go away? -Grab a brush and clean faster than you ever have before.
Hi, honey.
-How's the retreat? -I thought our marriage was in trouble.
But never this much trouble.
-How can--? -You don't know what this means.
This fish represents a better life for us.
It makes me a hero.
-To who? -Those weirdos in the store! -This fish shows how selfish you are! -Then I'll throw it back! -Oh, yeah, sure.
-Watch! Wow! I did it.
I gave up fame and breakfast for my marriage.
I fought it for six hours.
One word and I toss it back.
You're telling me our marriage is in trouble? -Come here, baby! -Oh, Homer.
-We're back! -How's the marriage? Same as usual.
Perfectomundo.
The house looks wonderful! What's your secret? Pretending to cry.
That's right! You heard me! Pretending to cry! I can turn it on and off like a faucet.
"I'm crying.
I'm so sad.
" -Way to go, Grampa.
-I'll never trust another old person.
I fooled you! So long, suckers! Yep, General Sherman.
They say he's No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me, he's 100.
-No one's caught him? -One came close.
His name was Homer.
Seven feet tall.
Arms like tree trunks.
Eyes like steel, cold and hard.
Had a shock of hair, red.
Like the fires of hell.