The Simpsons Episode Scripts

Like Father Like Clown

##Ahh, the Simpsons ## D'oh! I hold in my hand the final ax.
Ah, heh That's all the time we have for today.
I'd like to thank Sideshow Mel Corporal Punishment, Tina Ballerina and from Knots Landing, Miss Donna Mills.
Oh, she was a sport.
See you some other time! Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk! Great show, Krusty.
I really laughed when-- You've got a merchandising meeting.
- Cancel it! - Therapist? Cancel it! The line on the Giants is 5½/.
Put a dime on it.
''Thank you'' dinner with Bart Simpson? I don't know Bart Simpson.
The boy who saved you from jail.
Well, we made a terrible, terrible mistake.
Ah won't happen again.
There was one boy who trusted me all along.
- Bart? - Yes, sir? Thank you.
Oh, yeah.
Cancel it! Hello? Mrs.
Simpson? Lois Pennycandy, Krusty the Clown's assistant.
Hello, Mrs.
Pennycandy.
It's Miss Pennycandy, I can assure you.
I'm sorry to inform you that Krusty will not be joining Bart for dinner.
This is the fifth time he's cancelled.
How can he hurt someone who loves him so? Oh, Mrs.
Simpson I've wasted my womanhood asking that same question.
I apologize for him.
Something really important came up.
Lousy mildew! That's good enough.
Well, thank you for calling.
Good-bye.
How many Krusty autographs do you want? A hundred.
Done.
Sweetie, I'm sorry but Krusty isn't coming to dinner again.
Oh, man.
''Dear Krusty, this is Bart Simpson ''Krusty buddy number 1 6302 ''respectfully returning his badge.
''I always suspected that nothing in life mattered.
''Now I know for sure.
Get bent.
Bart Simpson.
'' Ooh, SEX-CHAT! You've reached the party line.
You'll be connected to a hot party with the world's most beautiful women.
Now let's join the party.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Are there any women here? Hello?! Are you beautiful? Do I sound beautiful?! This is not as hot as I had anticipated.
Read this! Uh-- I, um-- Uh-- Uh-- ''Dee--'' Uh-- ''Deee--'' ''Dear ''Krus-s-s-t-- Why--?'' It says the little boy who never lost faith in you has lost faith in you.
You will go to Bart Simpson's for dinner! But I have plans.
Hey! Not the face! Why you maddening, impossible man! If you don't go tonight I won't be here tomorrow.
Oh, all right, I'll go.
Oh, Krusty! But I hate missing schnapps night at the Friars Club.
Bart, wipe your feet.
Why bother? They'll just get dirty again.
I've got good news.
Krusty is coming to dinner tonight.
He is? For sure? Yes.
God bless that clown.
Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk! You think it's him? Cute kid.
Oh, hi, Bart.
I was just in the neighborhood-- What? Krusty the Clown! What a surprise! Milhouse, you can come in, and drop the charade.
Whoa! You don't have to be on tonight.
What are you talking about? Of course he does.
No.
Krusty is our guest.
Your pratfalls and punchinello antics aren't necessary here.
Really? Yeah.
Just relax and be yourself.
Oh, that's a relief.
Go wait in the car.
Aw! We could have seen a monkey.
Who wants to say grace? Let's let our guest do it.
Bless us, O Lord-- Hey! Krusty, do the honors.
Well, all right.
I'm a little rusty, but, um I'll try.
Baruch ata Adonai Eloheinu melech ha-olam ha-motzi lechem min ha-aretz.
He's talking funny talk.
No, Dad, that's Hebrew.
Krusty must beJewish.
AJewish entertainer? Get out of here! There are many prominent Jewish entertainers including Lauren Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner and Mel Brooks.
Mel Brooks is Jewish?! Krusty, are you all right? Yes, it's just that saying the Brucha brings back a lot of painful memories.
The old days my-my father.
Hey, Krusty, you going to finish that meat loaf, or what? Poor Krusty.
He's like a velvet painting come to life.
Krusty, why don't you tell us what's wrong? Spill your guts.
Yeah.
Come on.
Krusty, tell us.
Well, okay.
First of all my real name isn't Krusty the Clown.
It's Herschel Krustofski.
My father was a rabbi.
His father was a rabbi.
His father's father-- Well, you get the idea.
My father was the most respected man in the Lower East Side of Springfield.
People would come from miles around to ask his advice.
Reb Krustofski, should I finish college? Yes.
No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge.
Rabbi, should I have another child? Yes.
Another child would be a blessing.
Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler? Could you rephrase that as an ethical question? Um is it right to buy a Chrysler? Yes-- for great is the car with power steering and Dyna-Flo suspension.
Papa? When I grow up, can I be a clown? No! A clown is not respected.
I'll make people laugh.
Herschel, life is serious.
Seltzer is for drinking, not for spraying.
Pie is for noshing, not for throwing.
But, Papa-- But nothing! You'll do as I say or you'll get such a zetz that you won't even know what hit you.
Dad wanted me to follow in his footsteps but the pull of clowning was too strong.
I got my first laughs at yeshiva impersonating my father.
Blah, blah, blah Moses! Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
Don't worry.
I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
Why, you little-- Krusty, please continue.
Okay.
My father tried to extinguish the comedy bug but it was no use.
What are you doing? Go away.
Open the door! Oy, gevalt! Close the door! Then came my big break.
A Talmudic conference in the Catskills.
I was the entertainment.
But the lord works in mysterious ways.
My son, Herschel was first in his yeshiva class.
He was voted most likely to hear God.
Go on, Hyman, you're exaggerating again.
A rabbi never exaggerates.
A rabbi composes, he creates thoughts he tells stories that may never have happened but he does not exaggerate.
My father would have never suspected a thing were it not for one rowdy rabbi.
Hey, funny man! No, no, no! Herschel? Herschel, oy vey iz mir! You have brought shame on our family.
If you were a musician or a jazz singer this I could forgive, but this? I never want to see you again, you--you clown! I haven't seen my father since.
That is so sad.
Do you think about your father a lot? All the time.
Except when I'm at the track.
Oh, look! Aww hmm.
Oh, look at you, Bart.
Oh, isn't that fun! Ooh, hey! Whoa! Oh, Fourth ofJuly.
I can't believe that little boy is you, Bart.
Yeah.
I got a lot of fond memories.
Look at the time.
Almost midnight.
Do you have any yearbooks? You've seen everything.
Milhouse, know any ''knock, knock''jokes? I want to go home.
Homer, maybe you better take Milhouse home.
Gladly.
Wow! The Concert for Bangladesh.
Good night, Krusty.
Sorry about your dad.
Don't worry about me.
I'm a survivor.
Did I leave my keys? No! Oh, here they are.
Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk! Ehh Hmm ah uh ohh! Academy Award Playhouse now returns you to Hercules Versus the Martians.
Welcome to our spaceship, mighty Hercules.
Heh-heh.
Hello? Hello?! Anybody there? I hear a phone ring I'm listening, and there's no talking.
Why would they call if they don't want to talk? Huh? Hee-hee-hee! Aahh! Aahh! Didn't ItchyJunior look happy playing with his father? And didn't ScratchyJunior look happy playing with his dad until they got run over by the thresher? Wasn't that a beautiful cartoon? For the love of God, cut to the commercial! Poor Krusty! A man who envies our family is a man who needs help.
We've got to do something.
Let's move.
Reverend Lovejoy we need you to help us find a rabbi.
Well, before you make any rash decisions let me remind you that the church is changing to meet the needs of young Christians.
We're not converting.
We just want to find a Rabbi Krustofski.
I do a radio call-in show with him every Sunday night.
- Really? - I didn't know that.
I mention it in my sermon every week.
Oh, that radio show.
It's all the kids talk about on Monday at school.
Well, why don't you have a free T-shirt? You'll be the coolest kids in the playground.
We'll put them on later.
Can you give us the rabbi's address? Oh, sure thing.
Let me check my non-Christian Rolodex.
I bet he misses Krusty.
He'll be so happy, he'll cry in his beard.
Oh, yes, yes.
Rabbi Krustofski? What can I do for you, my young friend? We came to talk about your son.
I have no son! Great, we came all this way, and it's the wrong guy.
I didn't mean that literally! And in order to keep our broadcasting license we devote Sunday night dead time to public service shows of limited appeal.
In that spirit, we bring you Gabbin'About God sponsored by Ace Religious Supply, where they say ''If we don't got it, it ain't holy.
'' With us once again, our very own three wise men-- Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, Monsignor Kenneth Daly and Rabbi Hyman Krustofski.
Our first caller is from Shelbyville Heights.
With all the suffering in the world do you ever wonder if God really exists? No.
Not for a second.
Not at all.
Good conversation there.
Our next call now is for the good rabbi.
Hello? I hear breathing, but I don't hear talking.
What's going on? Hello? Mister? Some people got nothing to do but call and hang up.
There's all kinds of mishagoyim.
Our next caller is a Springfield boy.
My name is Dmitri.
I'm a first-time caller, long-time listener.
If a son defies his father and chooses a career that makes millions of children happy shouldn't the father forgive the son? I think so.
Of course.
Absolutely not! Never! Who screens these calls? Who's in charge here? They leave a building without people watching it? I got a plan that can't fail.
Yiddle, my man, you're a genius.
I love my work.
Oh, the best charity is to give and not let other people know.
But what if your example encourages others to give? Speaking of charity don't you think it's time you forgave your son? My boy broke my heart! He turned his back on our traditions on our faith, and on me.
Get out of here, you little pisher.
Oy, this guy's tough.
We'll have to outsmart him.
He's pretty sharp.
He saw right through this disguise.
What? Saul Bellow? The Nobel prize-winning Jewish novelist? He wants to have lunch with me? It's a date.
Izzy's deli, 1 :00.
I'll be there.
The French government wants to give me the Legion of Honor? Where do I receive this prestigious award? Izzy's deli, 1 :00.
Thank you, Monsieur President.
Au revoir.
Are you kids ready to order yet? Just get us another bowl of complimentary pickles.
Watch how fast I go.
And for you, sir? I want a nice sandwich, but theJoey Bishop-- too fatty.
TheJackie Mason-- makes me gassy.
The Bruce Willis? I don't like his work.
What is this-- a Krusty the Clown? Ham, sausage and bacon, with a smidge of mayo.
What? On white.
You tell Mr.
Saul Bellow the Nobel prize-winning Jewish novelist that I lost my appetite.
Could you direct me to President Francois Mitterand's table? You think you're funny? can't be wrong.
We've been going about this all wrong.
What's the one thing rabbis prize above everything else? Those stupid hats? No, Bart-- knowledge.
We'll hit him where it hurts-- right in theJudaica.
''Glub, glub, glub.
'' ''Oh, Noah, Noah, save us, save us!'' ''No!'' This looks good, Bart.
Take it to him.
You I told to go away.
Does it not say in the Babylonian Talmud ''a child should be pushed aside with the left hand and drawn closer with the right''? Yes.
Your religion commands you make up with Krusty.
But in Exodus, the fifth commandment says ''Honor thy father and thy mother.
'' End of story.
Oh, it's hopeless.
Not quite.
I got some dynamite stuff from Rabbi Simon Ben-Eliazar.
''At all times let a man be supple as a reed and not rigid as a cedar.
'' Bart, my short, learned friend, the Book ofJoshua says ''You shall meditate on the Torah all day and all night.
'' Hmm.
Is it not written in the Talmud ''who will bring redemption? The jesters.
'' I'm still not convinced and this is hardly the time to discuss it.
Here you go, Bart.
It's a long shot, but that's all I can do without learning ancient Hebrew.
Bart, I am not going to learn ancient Hebrew.
Rabbi, did not a great man say and I quote, ''TheJews are a swinging bunch of people.
''I mean, I've heard of persecution ''but what they went through is ridiculous.
''But the great thing is after thousands of years ''of holding on and fighting they finally made it.
'' End quote.
I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently.
Was that Rabbi Hillel? Nope.
Judah the Pious? Maimonides? The Dead Sea Scrolls! I'm afraid not, Rabbi.
It's from Yes, I Can, by Sammy Davis,Jr.
An entertainer, like your son.
The candy man? Maybe I'm completely upside down on this whole problem.
All the years of joy that I've lost.
Why? Because of my stubborn ways.
There, there, Rabbi.
It's not too late.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hi, kids.
Today's show's going to be the funniest, side-splittingest cavalcade of-- Aw, the hell with it.
Roll the cartoon.
Oh, yeah.
My old friends, right next to my heart.
Hey, such a filthy habit.
Who asked you? Father? Son.
Papa! Herschel! Daddy! Boychick! Oh, Daddy! You're on, Krusty.
Oh, uh-- Boys and girls I'd like to be serious for a moment, if I may.
Spotlight, please.
I just wanted-- I just want-- Come on, guys.
I'm not doing the spotlight bit.
Let's have a warm Krusty welcome for my estranged father Rabbi Hyman Krustofski.
Lenny a little reconciliation music, if you please.
Come on, Dad.
You know the words.
I got something in my eye.
Take my hankie.
Eeyugh! We haven't seen each other in 25 years! Oh, I love you, son.
I love you, too, Daddy.
Oy, a klop tsu deer! Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk! Shh!