The Simpsons s18e15 Episode Script
Rome-old and Juli-eh
The Simpsons 18x15 (JABF08) - Rome-old and Juli-eh - Okay, everyone, straight ahead is my big surprise.
Look out for the stairs.
Whoa! Ooh.
You redid the basement! Whoa feel the pile on this shag! Whoa, baby! Will you look at that paneling? I feel like I'm back in wooden times! Check out this pinball machine! "Chevy Chase in Foul Play.
" Pinball, eh? I've always wanted to try this.
Wow, the graphics are amazing.
That ball almost seems real! This basement is a wonderful gift to the family.
But how could you afford it? Marge, we're not going to have to worry about money ever again, because I've got a plan.
I'd like to declare bankruptcy, please.
Mr.
Simpson, do you understand how bankruptcy works ? Yes I do.
Under Chapter 13 of the fiscal code, an individual whose debts exceed his assets may file for bankruptcy, thus protecting said assets.
That was the old bankruptcy law.
Huh? Under the new law, you have to pay your creditors everything.
What the? But I thought bankruptcy was the cool law! The one that says "Dude, don't worry about it.
I got this.
" Mr.
Simpson, I'm afraid this court must appoint a financial officer to supervise repayment of your debts.
Hmm Permission to moan? I'll allow it.
Mr.
Simpson, among the expenses the court deems frivolous, you throw over $1,000 a month into local wishing wells.
Of course, you idiot, 'cause I'm wishing for more money.
Hm-hmm.
Well, you're gonna have to make some serious cutbacks to your expenses.
Three subscriptions to Vanity Fair? I've got three bathrooms, don't I? $500 a month to Totalpoker.
com? Shut up! It's an instructional website! Shut up! Give it here, I'll find some fat we can trim.
Ah, here you go a giant useless expense for something that no one is interested in.
I don't want to leave! You promised me I could die here! No, no.
This place is too expensive.
I saw you doing a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle in there.
Come on, Dad, I'm cutting back everywhere.
To save gas, I'm Flintstone-ing the car.
So very Scram, you two! This is my bedroom now! No way, this is our rec room! Not anymore.
I already put my posters up.
Keep Cool With Coolidge Lilian Gish in Broken blossoms A.
S.
S.
American Shipping Services Not affiliated with the human ass Hey, Mr.
Flanders,what'd you get? Some kind of bible garbage? Oh, I wish! No, these are complimentary boxes from the shipping company.
Could a kid like me get these boxes, then use them for whatever he wanted? Only if he fibbed about his name, age, and occupation on this automated 800 number.
Why don't you put this box by your phone so you don't call the number by accident.
Oh, I won't.
Nothing like un-tossing a leftover salad.
It'll be like new! Whoa.
What the heck are these? Those are my medical samples! Hands off, you big blue Buttinski! Blood, bile, spinal fluid, blood, other, phlegm, miscellaneous ooze Grampa's driving me crazy.
Why are you telling me?He's your father-in-law.
Can we at least get out of the house for an evening? Sure, but I think you're exaggerating the problem.
I'm scared.
Can I sleep across you? No! What are you doing here, Patty or Selma? I invited Selma here to watch Grandpa watch the kids.
For some reason,she doesn't trust him.
Maybe it's the bang-up job he did raising you.
He was a great dad.
Every year he got so mad when Santa didn't bring me presents.
Um lemon candy? No thanks.
I brought my own.
I know what you're wondering.
How come a single woman with so much to offer is alone on a Saturday night.
I assumed you were resting up for bingo tomorrow, like me.
My numbers don't get called much these days.
You're kidding.
A sweet young thing like you? Wow, that's the first time anyone's ever put an adjective before calling me a thing.
You know, I was voted best kisser in my P.
O.
W.
camp.
Hmm Well, if he dies in my arms, I could meet a cute paramedic.
All right, lips, man your kissing stations.
This is not a drill.
Well, here we are home early.
Yeah, and the great prices at that new rib joint were the surprise of the evening.
Ah! A bear is eating my father! I'm Selma.
Ah! A talking bear is eating my father! You know what you were kissing? Do you? Do you? Yeah, I know who I was kissing, and I also know why.
I'm a little shaky on when and where, but I got my theories.
Well, I never, ever want to see that again.
Ah, the hell with you.
I just might ask that Selma girl out, and you can't tell me not to.
My roof, my rules! Oh, why did I borrow that roof from him? So exactly what company am I giving these free boxes to? Uh the name of the company is Uh-huh.
Are you run by dogs or for dogs? Actually, don't answer.
I like not knowing.
Now we just have to figure out what to do with these boxes.
As always,I have some ideas.
Hmm "Build a fart.
" I love it.
Fort.
That's "build a fort.
" That might work, too.
I'm glad you called.
This is really going to drive Homer crazy.
Well, actually, the real reason I asked you out is because I'm well, I'm a little sweet on you.
Oh, listen, Abe,the other night was fun, but Ah, phooey on buts.
At my age,and with your drawbacks, we can't afford to miss an opportunity.
Why don't we just spend some time together and see where that takes us? Yeah, what the hell? Want to split a basket of garlic bread? Slow down, you hussy.
Is she really going out with him? Is she really gonna take him home tonight? Is she really going out with him? Is she really gonna take him home tonight? Is she really going out with him? 'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me There's something going wrong around here.
Oh, look at Grampa and Selma frolicking in the water.
It's not right.
It's like an old sea turtle dating a suitcase that fell out of a plane.
Be nice, Homer.
Don't you see how great it is that they found each other? Like how the parts of a pig nobody wants combine to make a yummy hot dog.
Oh, now you're dragging hot dogs into this.
Real classy, Marge.
Real classy.
Hey, Homer, that garbage barge is complaining about your smell.
We wrote that joke in the water.
It wasn't all frolicking.
How could my Dad go out with Selma ? Don't those two gargoyles know that love is for good-looking young people ? Well, gee, Homer, you, uh, ain't exactly open-casket material yourself.
Words hurt, you know.
They do.
Stupid Selma and Grampa.
How dare they find happiness.
Psst! Over here.
- It's me.
Patty.
- Oh, great.
Who are youin love with ? Bart ? Look, if you want to break up your father and Selma, I have a plan.
But it involves you.
Okay, but I'm notgood at details.
Or the big picture.
I also show up late.
And drunk.
I've got a goodfeeling about this.
- Lower the drawbridge ! - What's the password ? I love my sister.
Hey, you little brats.
Get down from those battlements ! Those boxes arefor shipping, not for creating a world of pure imagination.
Give them back.
Not till we're bored with them.
Now, begone ! I shall go, but I will return with an army of my brethren and together we shall take back what is ours and Hell will raindown up on you ! What if we're not here ? We will come two more times, and then you'll have to come to our customer center.
It's near the airport, where the old CrownBooks used to be.
- Hello, Homer.
- Selma ! Relax, it's just me, Patty.
Patty ! Do you have your disguise? Hola, I am Estebande la Sexface.
That means "Stephen of the Sexface.
" Okay, now let's prepare our mental images so we can kiss each other without barfing.
Whoa-oa-oa ! Mm! Yes! Oh, baby.
What the? Selma, how could you ?! Sorry, Abe, we're through.
I thought we really had something.
What the hell is going on here ? Dos Selmas? Ay-yi-yi! Homer ! Why would you try to break us up ? I guess I always dreamed that my father would grow old alone.
Well, nerts to both of ya ! Our love is so strong not even a thousand crazy schemes could tear it apart ! A thousand, eh? I love this woman and I'm gonna make sure she's in my life forever.
I'm Patty.
Nice to meet you.
Selma, will you marry me ? Abe I uh yes ! Homer, say hello to your new ma ! No! Dad, don't throw rice, it makes the birds swell up ! Oh, Lisa, that's one of those rumors you get off the Internet.
Hey, Selma, want some rice ? Pick a lane, freaks! Nothing solves everything for ever like a wedding.
Now to do something
Look out for the stairs.
Whoa! Ooh.
You redid the basement! Whoa feel the pile on this shag! Whoa, baby! Will you look at that paneling? I feel like I'm back in wooden times! Check out this pinball machine! "Chevy Chase in Foul Play.
" Pinball, eh? I've always wanted to try this.
Wow, the graphics are amazing.
That ball almost seems real! This basement is a wonderful gift to the family.
But how could you afford it? Marge, we're not going to have to worry about money ever again, because I've got a plan.
I'd like to declare bankruptcy, please.
Mr.
Simpson, do you understand how bankruptcy works ? Yes I do.
Under Chapter 13 of the fiscal code, an individual whose debts exceed his assets may file for bankruptcy, thus protecting said assets.
That was the old bankruptcy law.
Huh? Under the new law, you have to pay your creditors everything.
What the? But I thought bankruptcy was the cool law! The one that says "Dude, don't worry about it.
I got this.
" Mr.
Simpson, I'm afraid this court must appoint a financial officer to supervise repayment of your debts.
Hmm Permission to moan? I'll allow it.
Mr.
Simpson, among the expenses the court deems frivolous, you throw over $1,000 a month into local wishing wells.
Of course, you idiot, 'cause I'm wishing for more money.
Hm-hmm.
Well, you're gonna have to make some serious cutbacks to your expenses.
Three subscriptions to Vanity Fair? I've got three bathrooms, don't I? $500 a month to Totalpoker.
com? Shut up! It's an instructional website! Shut up! Give it here, I'll find some fat we can trim.
Ah, here you go a giant useless expense for something that no one is interested in.
I don't want to leave! You promised me I could die here! No, no.
This place is too expensive.
I saw you doing a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle in there.
Come on, Dad, I'm cutting back everywhere.
To save gas, I'm Flintstone-ing the car.
So very Scram, you two! This is my bedroom now! No way, this is our rec room! Not anymore.
I already put my posters up.
Keep Cool With Coolidge Lilian Gish in Broken blossoms A.
S.
S.
American Shipping Services Not affiliated with the human ass Hey, Mr.
Flanders,what'd you get? Some kind of bible garbage? Oh, I wish! No, these are complimentary boxes from the shipping company.
Could a kid like me get these boxes, then use them for whatever he wanted? Only if he fibbed about his name, age, and occupation on this automated 800 number.
Why don't you put this box by your phone so you don't call the number by accident.
Oh, I won't.
Nothing like un-tossing a leftover salad.
It'll be like new! Whoa.
What the heck are these? Those are my medical samples! Hands off, you big blue Buttinski! Blood, bile, spinal fluid, blood, other, phlegm, miscellaneous ooze Grampa's driving me crazy.
Why are you telling me?He's your father-in-law.
Can we at least get out of the house for an evening? Sure, but I think you're exaggerating the problem.
I'm scared.
Can I sleep across you? No! What are you doing here, Patty or Selma? I invited Selma here to watch Grandpa watch the kids.
For some reason,she doesn't trust him.
Maybe it's the bang-up job he did raising you.
He was a great dad.
Every year he got so mad when Santa didn't bring me presents.
Um lemon candy? No thanks.
I brought my own.
I know what you're wondering.
How come a single woman with so much to offer is alone on a Saturday night.
I assumed you were resting up for bingo tomorrow, like me.
My numbers don't get called much these days.
You're kidding.
A sweet young thing like you? Wow, that's the first time anyone's ever put an adjective before calling me a thing.
You know, I was voted best kisser in my P.
O.
W.
camp.
Hmm Well, if he dies in my arms, I could meet a cute paramedic.
All right, lips, man your kissing stations.
This is not a drill.
Well, here we are home early.
Yeah, and the great prices at that new rib joint were the surprise of the evening.
Ah! A bear is eating my father! I'm Selma.
Ah! A talking bear is eating my father! You know what you were kissing? Do you? Do you? Yeah, I know who I was kissing, and I also know why.
I'm a little shaky on when and where, but I got my theories.
Well, I never, ever want to see that again.
Ah, the hell with you.
I just might ask that Selma girl out, and you can't tell me not to.
My roof, my rules! Oh, why did I borrow that roof from him? So exactly what company am I giving these free boxes to? Uh the name of the company is Uh-huh.
Are you run by dogs or for dogs? Actually, don't answer.
I like not knowing.
Now we just have to figure out what to do with these boxes.
As always,I have some ideas.
Hmm "Build a fart.
" I love it.
Fort.
That's "build a fort.
" That might work, too.
I'm glad you called.
This is really going to drive Homer crazy.
Well, actually, the real reason I asked you out is because I'm well, I'm a little sweet on you.
Oh, listen, Abe,the other night was fun, but Ah, phooey on buts.
At my age,and with your drawbacks, we can't afford to miss an opportunity.
Why don't we just spend some time together and see where that takes us? Yeah, what the hell? Want to split a basket of garlic bread? Slow down, you hussy.
Is she really going out with him? Is she really gonna take him home tonight? Is she really going out with him? Is she really gonna take him home tonight? Is she really going out with him? 'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me There's something going wrong around here.
Oh, look at Grampa and Selma frolicking in the water.
It's not right.
It's like an old sea turtle dating a suitcase that fell out of a plane.
Be nice, Homer.
Don't you see how great it is that they found each other? Like how the parts of a pig nobody wants combine to make a yummy hot dog.
Oh, now you're dragging hot dogs into this.
Real classy, Marge.
Real classy.
Hey, Homer, that garbage barge is complaining about your smell.
We wrote that joke in the water.
It wasn't all frolicking.
How could my Dad go out with Selma ? Don't those two gargoyles know that love is for good-looking young people ? Well, gee, Homer, you, uh, ain't exactly open-casket material yourself.
Words hurt, you know.
They do.
Stupid Selma and Grampa.
How dare they find happiness.
Psst! Over here.
- It's me.
Patty.
- Oh, great.
Who are youin love with ? Bart ? Look, if you want to break up your father and Selma, I have a plan.
But it involves you.
Okay, but I'm notgood at details.
Or the big picture.
I also show up late.
And drunk.
I've got a goodfeeling about this.
- Lower the drawbridge ! - What's the password ? I love my sister.
Hey, you little brats.
Get down from those battlements ! Those boxes arefor shipping, not for creating a world of pure imagination.
Give them back.
Not till we're bored with them.
Now, begone ! I shall go, but I will return with an army of my brethren and together we shall take back what is ours and Hell will raindown up on you ! What if we're not here ? We will come two more times, and then you'll have to come to our customer center.
It's near the airport, where the old CrownBooks used to be.
- Hello, Homer.
- Selma ! Relax, it's just me, Patty.
Patty ! Do you have your disguise? Hola, I am Estebande la Sexface.
That means "Stephen of the Sexface.
" Okay, now let's prepare our mental images so we can kiss each other without barfing.
Whoa-oa-oa ! Mm! Yes! Oh, baby.
What the? Selma, how could you ?! Sorry, Abe, we're through.
I thought we really had something.
What the hell is going on here ? Dos Selmas? Ay-yi-yi! Homer ! Why would you try to break us up ? I guess I always dreamed that my father would grow old alone.
Well, nerts to both of ya ! Our love is so strong not even a thousand crazy schemes could tear it apart ! A thousand, eh? I love this woman and I'm gonna make sure she's in my life forever.
I'm Patty.
Nice to meet you.
Selma, will you marry me ? Abe I uh yes ! Homer, say hello to your new ma ! No! Dad, don't throw rice, it makes the birds swell up ! Oh, Lisa, that's one of those rumors you get off the Internet.
Hey, Selma, want some rice ? Pick a lane, freaks! Nothing solves everything for ever like a wedding.
Now to do something