The Simpsons s35e09 Episode Script

1
I'm getting the mail, hallelujah ♪
I'm getting the mail ♪
It's something to do. ♪
Hmm. What the Helen Mirren?
Stimulus checks?
We were supposed to cash
these during the pandemic.
Should we spend the money
now or wait for the next one?
So what are we gonna blow it on,
jet ski or motorbike?
Vroom, vroom, vroom!
Mom, there is something I've
always wanted for this family,
but it's not a thing, exactly
- Vroom?
- but rather,
it's an experience.
Something we can all treasure
and talk about for years to come.
Wow.
Well, then maybe we should do it.
Wait, that's the move?
Go all sincere and emo? Gross.
Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom,
vroom, vroom, vroom.
There is one small issue.
My idea will take some
finessing with Dad.
Hmm.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
Surprise money, then a surprise cruise?
Two is the perfect number of surprises.
It sure is, Dad.
We're going on a regular cruise
with absolutely nothing
about it you'd hate.
What the hell is wrong with this boat?
[HOMER WHIMPERS]
"The Pacific Princess Leia
is a cruise by and for
"fans of Sci-Fi, fantasy,
comic books, anime and video games."
But-but those are all just
different names for
Nerds ♪
Exciting and new ♪
Play pickleball ♪
With Doctor Who ♪
The Nerd Boat ♪
Your Wolverine
t-shirt is like a tux ♪
The Nerd Boat ♪
Where everyone knows
the new Star Wars sucks ♪
The drinks are all virgin ♪
Just like all the
guests on board ♪
Too busy geeking on movies ♪
from Miller and Lord ♪
And nerds ♪
Won't hurt anymore ♪
That's a vow from your crew ♪
The Fantastic Four ♪
You're nerds ♪
Welcome aboard, you nerds. ♪
Stop this loving homage!
I see what you're doing
celebrating outcast culture that
used to be on the fringes
and I don't like it!
You nerds stop playing dress-up
or else I'm gonna wedgie you,
and swirly you,
and purple your nurples until they
[MOANS]
Hey, check out that Avatar
volleyball tournament.
It's Na'vi vs. Last Airbenders.
And I'll be on the "Harvey" deck.
Look at all those cadburys.
Mmm.
Oh, my God, is that Taika Waititi?
[GIGGLES]
I love everything you do.
Your Thor movies,
What We Do in the Shadows.
[GASPS] Oh, and you're by far
my favorite on-screen Hitler.
Take that, the late Bruno Ganz.
Well, if you loved that,
you'll certainly be in a "führer"
over my newest acting
role as Daerius d'Avignon,
medieval d'tective,
in the new $300 million streaming show
Murder, He Swords.
The murderer is the black plague.
Again.
[GROANS]
You know it's good because
it's based on existing I.P.
[TRANCE-LIKE] I.P., I.P.
[MAGGIE SUCKS PACIFIER]
[ANNOUNCER] Please welcome the
king and queen of this nerd prom:
Comic and Kumiko Book Guy.
Out of my way, league of non-legends.
Gaze upon your betters and weep.
Behold,
I have brought the jewel of
my collectible collection.
The rarest treasure in all of geekdom:
A Radioactive Man action figure
accidentally manufactured
with Wolverine claws.
Look upon it and lose your mind.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Only two of those defective toys
were made before they
caught the mistake.
This you remember,
but every year,
our anniversary evades you.
Don't embarrass me in
front of the other Blades.
[SNICKERING]
Vomit Book Guy is on the boat?
Ugh, cruise ruined.
What do you have against
the Comic Book Guy?
I walked into his store two weeks ago
I know this is weird,
but I actually drew
a comic book of my own.
[COMIC BOOK GUY] Hmm.
Check it out.
He's half-croc, half-gator,
and full prankster.
Huh. Wow. You know what?
I'm really impressed.
I'm going to fax this right away
to my friends at "Man,
You Suck Publishing."
[GASPING]
[LAUGHS] You suck!
[ALL LAUGHING]
I swear to God, one day I'm going to
get my revenge on Comic Book Guy.
♪
[LIVELY CHATTER]
I hate this stupid baby dress-up cruise.
And why can't I be uncle Fester?
I'm bald, and I already own
several black muumuus.
Ooh. Wait, this stuff doesn't
have punny names, does it?
No, it's just like any other cruise,
infinite food for gluttonous slobs.
Taika,
why are you eating all by yourself?
To maintain energy for all my writing,
directing, acting, and rakish smirking.
Plus, it's in my cruise rider.
I also get a cabin facing
the sunrise and the sunset,
unlimited vegemite,
and the top tier of any seafood tower.
Ah
Hmm hmm?
Oh!
Now on display,
the exquisitely flawed
Radioactive X-Gentleman,
aka Wolveractive Man, aka Radio-verine.
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
Oh, look out. [GRUNTS]
Don't give that guy money.
He's a dream-crushing jackass
and he doesn't deserve dollar one.
I hope one day someone destroys
the thing you love most.
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
[CARL] Somebody turned off the lights.
- [CROWD GASPING]
- [GASPS]
[LENNY] The doll's head. It's gone.
Speak to me, oh,
headless radioactive collectible.
Oh, sweet suffering mate.
Let me share in your distress.
[SINGING IN JAPANESE]
Who could have done such a thing?
Who c [STAMMERS]
Oh, the agony!
I wager Bart Simpson did this.
He had the motive, means
and he's a notorious stinker.
That is a recipe for murder.
And look at the three tiny
scratch marks on Bart's cheek.
No one murders a doll on my ship.
To the brig.
[TO THE ADDAMS FAMILY THEME]
Ba-da-da dum, ba-da-da dum ♪
Ba-da-da dum ♪
D'oh! D'oh!
I swear, I didn't kill that doll.
Stop lying, boy.
I can't believe you
ruined my dream cruise.
You hate this cruise.
No, I hate the theme and
the people and the boat.
But I love the food.
Mr. and Mrs. Simpson,
I know it's hard for you
to see your son in this
tiny cruise ship jail.
It is.
Well, don't you worry.
Tomorrow he'll be taken ashore
and locked in a full adult prison.
- No! - [GASPS]
- But with all the amenities
Okay.
The amenities are a
notorious prison gang.
They really hate children.
- No!
- No!
Lis, I know it looks bad,
but I'm really scared.
I swear I didn't do it.
I don't know.
You've beheaded many of my dolls,
from Malibu Stacy to Fire Island Frank.
Oh, those aren't valuable.
They're yours.
Bart, you've lied to me
so many times before,
how could I ever believe you?
Okay, but this time
I'm telling the truth,
and to prove it,
I'm gonna own up to all my past lies.
[INHALES SHARPLY]
That time when the dog
buried your saxophone
in the garden, he had some help.
When Malala called you on your birthday
to tell you to suck lemons, that was me.
That time you woke up in a
bathtub full of garlic knots
I get it, I get it. You're terrible.
Okay, I figure
I only get one time to say,
"Lis, you gotta believe me
no matter what."
Right now, I am playing that card.
I did not destroy that doll.
Oh, my God. I believe you.
- [ANGRY CROWD CLAMORING]
- Oh.
The only way to clear Bart's name
is to figure out who really did it.
But I can't do it all by myself.
I need help.
I'll help you.
No, hang on, let me try that again.
I'll help you! Nailed it.
Taika Waititi? Seriously?
You'll help me exonerate my brother?
Of course. Why? I'll tell you.
Because I have a medical condition
where I have to be
multitasking at all times.
Well, my brother can't be
the only person on this ship
who hated Comic Book Guy.
So, I guess we'll just have to question
every passenger on the manifest.
Why don't we start with
fans of the Taika-verse?
Whoops, that's everyone. [LAUGHS]
Let's go.
I hate Comic Book Guy
and I hated that doll
because it originally belonged to me.
[GASPS]
[GASPS]
Oh. Oh. Ooh.
Oh, oh. Oh. Ooh! Ooh.
Hi. Excuse me, but I will take this, uh,
non-priceless,
completely valueless garbage
- off of your hands for, uh, $11.
- Huh?
But, Dad,
I think it might be worth a lot more.
Who cares, Milhouse?
This is two $5 footlongs
and a weird cookie.
Hey, Luann,
anniversary dinner is back on, baby.
I didn't destroy that action figure,
but I sure had a motive.
A clear motive.
I don't know why you're
interrogating me.
I have no bone to grind
with that comic book chap.
Really? Even after Comic Book Guy
led an online troll army
to demand you be fired
and replaced in this?
[ANNOUNCER] From the producers
of Mad Max comes a vision
so dark, so violent
and so wacky.
Sideshow Mel.
We'll kill them all,
or my name isn't Dick Dastardly.
And Timothée Chalamet as Muttley.
[WHEEZING LAUGH]
Curse that funny-book fiend.
He mobilized both the Hanna-Barbarians
and the Wack-olytes against me
in a devastating online petition.
-
- [LISA GASPS]
[RUMBLING]
First of all, that looks so good,
I'm surprised I didn't direct it.
Did I? October was crazy.
But Mel, would your bone-trembling anger
lead you to destroy
Comic Book Guy's most prized possession?
It would! But it didn't.
But it could! And if I did,
I would lie about it to you now!
But I'm not. But I would!
Why are you wasting your time with me?
I love my greasy snowman husband
and his tragic blooper
of an action figure.
We have security footage
that says differently.
It's true, I hated that
injection-molded monstrosity.
When I first met Comic Book Guy,
I was his priceless collectible.
But now, when we make love,
my husband calls out the
doll's serial number.
I just want back my
sweet comic book gaijin.
[SOBS]
So many passengers could
have committed doll-icide.
Hmm.
Poor Bart. Ah, but geez,
look at the mess he left in our cabin.
[GASPS]
Oh, dear God.
I didn't think Bart did it
but then I found this radioactive head
from the decapitated
doll in Bart's stuff.
He looked me right in the eyes
and said he didn't do it.
I can never trust him again.
- [CRIES]
- Oh, sweetie,
you've just learned one
of life's hardest lessons.
Sometimes, no matter
how much you love someone,
they're just going to let you down.
For your mother, it's me.
Just try to get some sleep, honey.
Bart will still be horribly
guilty in the morning.
[SIGHS]
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Hmm?
Rainer Wolfcastle?
There is something I must tell you
about the night of the fanquet
and subsequent toy murder.
When everything went dark,
I was wearing my night-vision goggles,
from my upcoming film
The Night-Vision Goggler.
[GASPS] Did you see who did it?
Patience, fräulein.
I did see the culprit,
and I am about to tell
you who he or she is.
Watch as the words emerge from my mouth.
The doll murderer is nein other than
Ouch.
I will be passing out now
and all of these things.
[GROANS]
[GASPS]
[GROANS] Damn it.
Ugh.
Lisa. Are you also up
dusting for prints?
That's what I call eating leftover food
off people's room-service trays.
I don't care!
If one more horrible thing happens,
I'm going to lose it.
[KUMIKO SCREAMS]
My sweet Comic Book Guy is gone.
Of course he is.
I mean
[SHOUTS]
Bart's in jail, our one credible witness
just got sucker-shielded,
Comic Book Guy is missing,
and we're still no closer
to solving the case.
So many twists and turns.
What kind of murder mystery is this?
Stop talking, Taika Waititi.
That's it.
I know who murdered the toy.
But I just need one thing:
An audience to watch
me milk the big reveal.
The murder of Comic
Book Guy's action figure
was committed by Comic Book Guy himself.
Based on a hunch,
I wrote to Lloyd's of London,
and I got this response from
Lloyd himself. Good guy.
Comic Book Guy had the
doll appraised and insured
for 935,000 British pounds.
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
So, he turned off the lights
and murdered the plastic
action man himself
for the insurance money.
But then he knew that we were onto him,
or, let's face it, I was onto him.
So, he took flight in the dead of night,
but not before planting the
doll's head in Bart's cabin,
and knocking out the one
witness to the crime,
washed-up action star
Rainier Wolfcastle.
That's fair.
[MOANS]
Now Comic Book Guy's probably
on a tropical beach
somewhere sipping mai tais.
Little does he know
that his heinous crime
has been exposed by me, Master Sleuth
and star of the upcoming reboot
Kiwi's Big Adventure,
Taika Waititi.
[CHEERING]
Wow, he really did it.
Oh, my God.
How could I have been so stupid?
Amazing work, Taika Waititi.
I know you just cracked the case,
but I have a little theory of my own.
Does anyone want to hear it?
[ALL] No!
Oh, come on, people. What's the harm?
Thank you, Taika.
Now, as you recall,
there were only two of these
irregular radioactive man dolls
made in the whole world.
- Oh, I remember.
- [MURMURS OF AGREEMENT]
What if the owner of the other doll
received some bad news
and broke their action
figure in a fit of rage?
And then what if that owner
came on this cruise specifically
to swap out their broken figure
for Comic Book Guy's intact one
so that they could secretly
possess the only Radioactive Man
with Wolverine claws left in existence?
And I just discovered
something quite interesting,
thanks to the ship's onboard Wi-Fi,
which is spotty at best.
According to this website,
that second doll was sold
in Wellington, New Zealand,
where they spell "colour" with a "u."
Now, who on this boat do we
know comes from New Zealand?
Well, that's a very clever theory.
But if it's a crime to be
from New Zealand,
you'd have to arrest both guys
from Flight of the Conchords.
What are their names again?
Fred and Jimothy?
You might be right,
but consider that the
shield that incapacitated
the only witness to the crime
seems to be covered with goo.
What manner of goo?
Dad, I know this is a weird ask,
but would you mind licking this oh.
Ugh. Ew.
Salty. Yeasty.
Ugh. With hints of malty grossness.
Vegemite,
the favorite food of Taika Waititi.
Or should I say fave-o-u-rite.
[CROWD MUTTERING]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What about the scratch marks
on Bart Simpson's face?
Those had to come from
the tiny claws on the doll he broke.
Did they? Or maybe they
came from this seafood fork.
My dad was selfishly shoveling
pre-shucked shellfish
down his shrimp-shaft
one take [CHUCKLES]
and he accidentally
scratched Bart on his cheek.
That silver-haired multi-hyphenate
is guilty as sin.
[CHUCKLES] Not without
one more piece of damning evidence,
I'm not.
You can't just tear my cabin apart!
You need a warrant!
No, we don't.
We're in international waters.
We're in the middle of lake Springfield.
I can see the Lard Lad statue from here.
Here it is,
Comic Book Guy's original doll unbroken.
Damn it. Yes, it's true, Lenny.
I did it.
I threw my New Zealand
Radioactive Man across the room
when I found out the
streamer was shelving
the second season of my
series without airing it.
For tax purposes?
Yes, for tax purposes.
So I hatched this plan
because I needed the money
to throw into my already
enormous pile of money.
[HANDCUFFS CLINK]
You haven't seen the last of me.
I've got powerful
friends in New Zealand.
Hobbits, orcs, Lorde,
ents, Melanie Lynskey,
the "How Bizarre" guy.
We are a powerful nation.
[SHRIEKS] Ow! Ow!
There is one thing I can't figure out.
What happened to Comic Book Guy?
I mean, we looked everywhere.
[GASPS] Except the one
place he would never go.
Oh, my sarcastic darling.
What happened to you?
Permit me to explain.
[HOMER] Oh, more explaining?
[COMIC BOOK GUY] When Lisa and Taika
Waititi began questioning suspects,
I set up a surveillance device
because I wanted to mock their
inept methods of interrogation.
I hate Comic Book Guy,
but then again, so does everyone.
He smells like baked beans
that have been left out in the sun.
I loathe his voice.
Who speaks with such
exaggerated affectation?
[COMIC BOOK GUY] No one
should ever have to hear
what people actually think of them.
Apparently, I am not a beloved
quirky character, like Kramer.
Instead, I am widely reviled,
like the guy who played Kramer.
So, I hid here, surrounded only by shame
and whatever these metal things are.
Mmm! [GRUNTS HAPPILY]
I don't want to get all sincere and emo,
but thanks, Lisa.
You never lost faith in me.
Well, if I'm being totally honest
I never did.
I just want back
my sweet comic book gaijin.
[SOBS]
Once again, a critical lesson
is learned via hologram.
I have been a fool.
♪
Best husband ever.
Shh!