The Venture Bros (2003) s05e00 Episode Script
A Very Venture Halloween
1 Welcome, weary traveler, to Castle Dracula! The master is resting now.
Would you like a drink of blood? - What is this? - Blood! Tomato⦠blood? Ketchup and Pepsi blood.
The master awakes, and he must feed! I am the monster that breathing men would kill! I am Dracula! All right.
Well, thank you, boys.
That was, uh⦠chilling.
Here it is, the tomb of the mummy.
But be careful.
The path before us is dangerous and may even be filled with mummies! What? This is my sock! What? Gimme that.
Mummy seeks vengeance.
Mummy⦠must kill! What is going on up here?! Brock, get a bucket of cold water with ammonia and deal with this.
Then meet me in the tank room.
I got to heat up the slugs! What was that about? He is impossible to scare! Working on the haunted bedroom? Eh, that's baby stuff.
We're going out tonight.
Oh, as long as you're here, I got an e-mail of yours by mistake, Something about that lump you keep talking about? What?! Let me see that! What's a malignantâ¦.
melanoma? Oh, it stings when I pee! I knew I shouldn't have trusted her! Dean, you get out here this instant! Eh, Doc, there's a ton of water dripping from the light socket in the kitchen.
When was the last time you fixed the plumbing in this place?! Oh, come on! You're kidding! Boo! Gotcha! So, this was all just -- - Finally! - Happy Halloween, Doc.
It's just a little get-together with the magical community.
You won't hear a peep, I promise.
Fine, but I want everybody to park their cars or booms or whatever outside the gate.
No loud music or chanting or anything, either.
On behalf of the Brimstone Assembly, I thank you.
Oh, hey, Orpheus.
I figured you'd be in sweatpants and a wife beater tonight.
That's not appropriate attire.
What we wear on the outside speaks for who we are on the inside.
No, I mean, like for Halloween.
Oh, yes, an ironic outfit, of course.
That would be jolly.
- You know, in my youth I was -- - Dermott, go back outside and ring the doorbell.
Oh, hey, Mr.
V.
Where's Hank? Go back outside and right the doorbell.
What, seriously? You were very hard on that boy.
I have my reasons.
Hank! Dermott's at the door! Ah, your dad is a dick.
Hey, why aren't you guys dressed? I thought you said costumes are for little kids And then you show up dressed like an enchanted mime! I'm The Crow! Drink it up, Hank! And it's not a costume, it's disguise.
If the cops see us in plain clothes, we're gonna get hauled up.
Well, why didn't you tell me?! All right, this will only take a moment.
I'll take my chances with the police.
I think a stupid speed suit is enough.
Call me dangerous.
- Huh? Loser-say-what? - What? Exactly.
- What? - Ready! What is that, a trash bag? I'm a bag of Hank! Bag of stupid.
Or⦠California raisin.
I'm so glad we're having a party! This is not a party, Al.
We're charged with the honor of hosting the 331st meeting of the Brimstone Assembly! Uh-huh.
Sure.
So where do you want me to assemble the chips and dip.
Oh.
By my mini fajitas, I think would be nice.
Or with the cheeses, since they are more of an appetizer.
So, then a star goes in the circle? Jefferson, this isn't "The Craft.
" Well if it was, I'd be Fairuza Balk and you'd be Rachel True.
- Which one is she? - Hmm, guess.
We're not "The Craft," and we don't put a star in the center.
We have a square representing perfection inside a circle representing unity inside a triangle representing simplicity.
Simplicity would be a star in the middle.
This right here's confusing.
Somebody else do this.
Ugh, I'm boiling in here! Will you just take off your cloak?! Take off your attitude! I have to keep my red power mantle on! Hey, you guys are early.
So just -- What the fuck is that? Seriously.
Oh, so it's okay when you do it, But when I do it, I'm a racist! - What the -- - We're merely in the guise of the two-headed man.
I'm Mr.
Rosey Grier.
Well, that's kind of my fault.
I told him it was a costume party because he simply refused to attend when I told him it was a magic gathering.
Yes! I find those trading-card games very confusing.
Gentlemen, get ready for project mayhem.
Got everything we'll need.
Shaving cream -- Finally! Dean, and I'm trying to be sensitive here, but it's about time we wiped that chocolate milk off your face.
You're packing a sad teen-stache there.
No, dill hole, it's for spraying on cars and stuff.
Rotten eggs.
Yeah, I buried these in my backyard for over a month, and they totally smell like dead dog fart by now.
I'm impressed with your foresight.
And I got a full multipack of ass wipe for trees and bushes.
What did you guys bring? Dermott.
Sweet, sweet, naive Dermott.
I brought with me the only thing you haven't prepared for -- A better idea.
The coup de grace, the crown on the head of Halloween pranks! Oh-ho, I like where you're going.
All right.
What's the idea? A night in a real haunted house.
Old Man Potter? And Bingo was his name-o.
No way.
Count me out.
Dad said we should never go over there.
Oh, my dad said I could never go.
Boo, hoo, hoo, I'm Dean.
Dean, we are men old enough to grow hair on our balls! Now it's time we use 'em before something else grows on 'em! Yeah, go home, put on the Kidz Bop version of "Thriller," then watch the Peanuts special like every year.
Go, Team Venture.
No! Fine, I'm going with you guys.
I'll show you who the real babies are! What are these, king size? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We hand out fun size here, Hatred.
Doc, we are 15 miles from the nearest house.
We got an electric fence, motion-sensitive laser defense modules.
If a kid makes it to that front door, They're getting the big candy bar! Just fill it for me.
I literally need a hand here.
No! No drinking.
I'm the one who has to hold your hair while you throw up! I can hold our liquor, sir! The last time you did this, you vomited for a solid hour! I swear I saw a license plate come up.
It was like we were gutting a tiger shark! He had his ribs removed so he could just bend over and enjoy his own⦠you know.
Well, that's what I heard, anyway.
Marilyn Manson? Are you sure? I heard it was Cher that had the ribs removed.
Why would she - Cher doesn't even have a⦠you know.
I have yet to meet a woman that doesn't dress sexy on Halloween.
Witch? No, sir - sexy witch.
Freddie Krueger? Nope - sexy Freddie Krueger.
Hm.
Sexy damn Freddie Krueger.
All ye of magical disciplines, the curtain to the netherworld is threadbare! The veil need not be lifted.
On this night, we need only to peer through it.
May all who enter this circle harness this sauin and may their magic be ture! Welcome to the Brimstone Assembly! Oh-ho-ho, ye of little faith! I owe you 5 bucks.
Knew it! Those lasers have a dilly of a time hitting small things.
Trick or treat! Oh, Pete and Billy don't count.
- No payout.
- Fine, no payout.
What are you guys? I'm the thinner, whiter Duke.
And I'm Rusty Venture, boy adventurer.
That's more disturbing than flattering.
Ohh, king size! Pfft, last year, Doc gave us a little thing of smarties to split between the both of us! Wanna double the wager? Oh, I'll triple it! Why are you still here? We came to hang out with you guys.
With the weight of a plume⦠An inflexible as cut timber⦠We raise aloft.
Oh, that is the work of the devil! That is the work of a teenage girl's sleepover! So, uh, is Old Man Potter, like, some sort of a child murderer or something cool? No idea.
My pop just told us our whole life to keep away from the Potter place.
Never said why.
He probably skins children and makes shoes out of 'em or something.
Man, I never knew this place was here.
I'm pretty sure this is all part of our property.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sure it is, Richie Rich.
Well, you know, since you own it, why don't you go inside first? Why don't you? 1, 2, 3.
Not it! Not it.
You know what? Fine.
I-it's just an old house anyway.
Gimme the flashlight.
Is he brave or stupid? Man, I think he just wants to be alone.
Hello? Hello? Is anyone in here? Hello? All right.
Screw this.
It's been long enough.
No acrofrontofacionasal dysostosis with comorbid idiopathic hirsutism in the orbital region, Yet clear early stage androgenic alopecia.
Poor little bastard.
Probably a genetic source, as the testosterone balance seems adequate, judging from the near lanugo facial display.
Eh, pupillary response good.
The subject is free of any fetiform teratoma and appears to have normal heart and lung function.
It's an impressive bag of meat, this one.
Wait, no, d- get out of there! We do not smell balls, Reco! Bad boy! Down! Well, that was⦠a⦠nice try.
Ohh.
It usually works.
Serves you right, you blasphemer! Well, that was a nice attempt at a conjuring by our friend Chris.
- Curse! Not Chris - it's Curse! - And now we have Red Mantle, one of the oldest members of The Brimstone Assembly with his, uh, ah, his, uh -- twist on a classic! You gonna play the banjo while he sings "mammy"? No! I will, if you all concentrate with me⦠- I'm Rosey Grier.
- â¦and harness the spirits that roam free on this All Hallows Eve, - He didn't tell me about this Easy Bake Coven he's a part of.
attempt to pull a rabbit from this hat! So, where's the twist, Bullwinkle? I'm actually gonna do it! Actually pull a rabbit from this hat! There's nothing up my sleeves or anything! That's what they all say.
No, seriously! I'm going to do it for real! It's really hard! Oh, uh, that's what she said! Oh, she said nothing of the sort! Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on! Ohh, so close.
10 more feet, and I would've won.
I'm telling you, they're way better off without parents.
Those lasers just pick 'em right off.
I had my money on electric fence.
- Who had laser sentry? - I had lasers! Oh, that is 10 bucks from each of you.
Rust, what the hell is this, cola and tomato soup? Close.
It's ketchup and bourbon.
I call it a Hunchback.
Hank gave me the idea a long time ago.
Nah, the pretzel part is lame.
It's really those little pumpernickel slices that are -- Wrong.
It's - it's the actual cereal pieces.
Oh, my god, when they're filled with that big hunk of flavor stuff? Precisely! Those are the best part! Oh, totally.
- Should we go get him? - You wanna get Chex Mix? No, get him.
Get Dean.
He's been in there forever.
No way.
He's going for it.
A night in a haunted house? Come on, freaking classic! It's the only cool thing he's ever done.
What's those - what's going on? Oh, you're awake.
Finally.
You've been out for an hour on one hit of chloroform, lightweith.
Eh, your brother's the same thing -- Sleeps like 10 hours a day ever since you stopped with the learning beds.
What's going on here? How do you know that? I've been watching you your whole life, since you were born, and every time after that.
- What are you, a perv? - Heh, hardly.
You don't know who I am, do you? Your dad never told you about me? He just said to stay away from the Potter house.
Who the fuck is Potter? My name's Ben.
Wait, did he say stay away from Potter's field? I don't know.
Maybe.
Well, that makes sense.
That whole field out there? Mass grave.
Between your grandpap and your old man, there's been hundreds of people killed on your property.
All of 'em are buried out there.
They call those Potter's fields, but I ain't Potter.
I'm Ben.
Oh, gorss! Come on! Get that thing off me! Reco, what - what is your problem?! Yeah, looks like Reco likes you -- or your balls at least.
- What the hell was that? - Oh, Reco? Recombinant lusus naturae.
That's his full, fancy name.
He's not used to guests.
I don't know what's up with him.
Listen, Mister.
Can you just let me down? I won't hurt you or anything.
I promise.
No.
No, no, no.
Of course.
Oh, you're not a prisoner or nothing.
Nah, I just wanted to see how you turned out.
You're a damn miracle! You got the onset of ocular degradation, but I think you'll look good in Buddy Holly glasses or something.
Why do you care how I turned out? I care because⦠well, I guess you could say that I care⦠because I brought you into this world.
Almost got it! The blue side keeps getting messed up when I do the red side.
Submit to desire.
I offer you ultimate pleasure.
Your thirst.
Your lust is hunger.
Submit to my toast - my pleasure toast.
You hunger for it.
Wait! Now I've got it! Look, all sides! Super, well, ta-da! - Oh, man.
- I'm glad we're back.
- Are they done? - Yes, finally.
That was horrible! Oh, ungodly blasphemers! No, here I agree with you.
That was way too kinky! Well, I certainly hope that kind of magic does not occur in their home, what with them raising my child! Oh, you old fuddy-duddy.
Let it go! Go outside and cool off.
Now, huh, let us welcome your favorite seeker of truth, the Alchemist.
Thank you.
You're very generous.
Okay, new flash! This is completely lame! It's Halloween, people! Let's get down to some raisin' of the dead! Let's make some zombies, huh?! Am I wrong?! You're wrong, and you are a dark-sided blashphemer! Ah, anyone besides Al Johson? Okay! Let's get it on! All right.
Yeah.
I see the belt.
But the hunter part is, like, it's a bunch of stars.
Yeah, it's stretch, I know.
Aw, dude! Did you just SBD? Oh, yeah - 100%.
I am baking brownies in the back door.
I don't know what's going on.
Aw, aw, huh, oh! It smells just like food! Hey, uh, Hank, you want a cupcake? - Why, you got one? - Cupcake.
- Knock it off! - You said you wanted a cupcake! Dude, what are you doing? What? Nothing.
Move, dude! Super fuckin' run away! Dean, calm down, will ya? - You're taking this all wrong.
- Wrong?! You're telling me I'm a clone, that I'm not even Dean, that I'm some stupid science experiment! - How do you want me to take it?! - No, come on.
No, no, no.
You're Dean.
There's no other Dean.
You're it, flesh and blood.
Look, I was conceived in the backseat of a Packard.
You were conceived in a tank.
So what? So I have no mommy, no nothing?! Dean, you have it all wrong.
You have a mommy, and your dad is your dad.
They made you by getting drunk and forgetting to wear a condom, like everybody else.
And your dad loved you so much that when you got a boo-boo, he kissed it and made it all better and made it go away.
You brought me back to life! Yeah, okay.
Well, you and your brother had some pretty big boo-boo.
I'm freakin' Frankenstein -- I mean, Frankenstein's monster⦠whatever! - You can't play God! - Will you knock it off? We didn't make you from a lotus flower, Dean.
We made you from you.
It's just⦠it's just so wrong! Have a kid one day, Dean.
Hold its lifelong body in your arms, and then tell me how wrong it is.
Your grandpap and I perfected genetic engineering Because God or whatever gave us a perfect map to do so.
Jonas, me, and, yes, your dad saw it as nothing more than a fuckin' band-aid for a really big boo-boo.
Hey, you - you want a beer? I think I do.
Don't tell your dad.
Ho! Ho! Ho! They're gonna make it.
Oh, man! I am the only one who has money on this! This is gonna be a massive payout! Oh, don't start counting it yet.
They have two more sentries left, and that pirate looks pretty tall.
Come on, kid! Jump around a little! No, you stay nice and steady.
Straight line between you and the candy.
Nice⦠and⦠straight.
- Amazing! - Oh, that's insane! Trick or treat! You're the luckiest kids ever! Greetings shitheads.
What's going on? Bow down, you buffoons! That's The Master! Ah, it's about damn time! Hello.
You all know me.
I live in many of your closets.
And guess what? You dinks have forced me out of the closet.
- You go, girl! - Solidarity, my brother! My master, why have you chosen the form of Father Christmas? Oh, I'm sorry.
Should I have chosen The Halloween Ferret? Not a lot of options here, pal.
You're not Santa! You are the devil! How dare -- Red Mantle, you know better than bringing a normal here, Even if he is wearing black.
That's not cool.
I didn't want to miss the party.
You know what? The party's over, okay? I just had to put hundreds of zombies back in the ground.
You've lost the true meaning of Christmas.
This is the day that a baby was born to remind us that we should raise an army of dead guys just because we can! Trick or treat! Oh, well! Look at you! Oh, my.
Ah, could you wait here momentarily? I have some delicious hors d'oeuvres inside.
Oh, hey, Orpheus.
You missed all the fun.
Your idiot friends had the great idea to reanimate a graveyard.
- Isn't that neat? - Not neat! There are children walking the streets! I'm so disappointed in all of you! Ohh, I smell a lecture.
Okay, okay, take it easy on 'em.
They didn't know that daddy keeps bullets in his gun.
I will, my master.
You're my best pupil and all that crap.
Thank you, my master.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
Ho, ho, ho! Uh, hey.
Super sorry, Orpheus.
We just got, you know, swept up in the Halloween spirit.
That is not the spirit of Halloween.
This is a night of true magic.
Halloween is the night we discover who we are.
Are we people who make zombie armies? Are we those who condemn others? Or are we beautiful children in resplendent costumes collecting candy? Are our choices in costumes provocative? Do we dress up as our ideal self? Or are we not ready to decide what to be? Dude, knock if off! Do you see it now? We use this one enchanted night to perform the greatest feat of magic there is.
We become ourselves.
Halloween is the true magic.
It is the night we discover who we really are! Hey.
I thought you died.
Well, wouldn't be the first time.
So, where's Dermott? He's watching the "Twilight Zone" marathon with the grown-ups.
So, what happend in the Potter house? - I learned something.
- Something scary? Well W-What? I guess, um I learned that beer tastes like pee-pee.
Would you like a drink of blood? - What is this? - Blood! Tomato⦠blood? Ketchup and Pepsi blood.
The master awakes, and he must feed! I am the monster that breathing men would kill! I am Dracula! All right.
Well, thank you, boys.
That was, uh⦠chilling.
Here it is, the tomb of the mummy.
But be careful.
The path before us is dangerous and may even be filled with mummies! What? This is my sock! What? Gimme that.
Mummy seeks vengeance.
Mummy⦠must kill! What is going on up here?! Brock, get a bucket of cold water with ammonia and deal with this.
Then meet me in the tank room.
I got to heat up the slugs! What was that about? He is impossible to scare! Working on the haunted bedroom? Eh, that's baby stuff.
We're going out tonight.
Oh, as long as you're here, I got an e-mail of yours by mistake, Something about that lump you keep talking about? What?! Let me see that! What's a malignantâ¦.
melanoma? Oh, it stings when I pee! I knew I shouldn't have trusted her! Dean, you get out here this instant! Eh, Doc, there's a ton of water dripping from the light socket in the kitchen.
When was the last time you fixed the plumbing in this place?! Oh, come on! You're kidding! Boo! Gotcha! So, this was all just -- - Finally! - Happy Halloween, Doc.
It's just a little get-together with the magical community.
You won't hear a peep, I promise.
Fine, but I want everybody to park their cars or booms or whatever outside the gate.
No loud music or chanting or anything, either.
On behalf of the Brimstone Assembly, I thank you.
Oh, hey, Orpheus.
I figured you'd be in sweatpants and a wife beater tonight.
That's not appropriate attire.
What we wear on the outside speaks for who we are on the inside.
No, I mean, like for Halloween.
Oh, yes, an ironic outfit, of course.
That would be jolly.
- You know, in my youth I was -- - Dermott, go back outside and ring the doorbell.
Oh, hey, Mr.
V.
Where's Hank? Go back outside and right the doorbell.
What, seriously? You were very hard on that boy.
I have my reasons.
Hank! Dermott's at the door! Ah, your dad is a dick.
Hey, why aren't you guys dressed? I thought you said costumes are for little kids And then you show up dressed like an enchanted mime! I'm The Crow! Drink it up, Hank! And it's not a costume, it's disguise.
If the cops see us in plain clothes, we're gonna get hauled up.
Well, why didn't you tell me?! All right, this will only take a moment.
I'll take my chances with the police.
I think a stupid speed suit is enough.
Call me dangerous.
- Huh? Loser-say-what? - What? Exactly.
- What? - Ready! What is that, a trash bag? I'm a bag of Hank! Bag of stupid.
Or⦠California raisin.
I'm so glad we're having a party! This is not a party, Al.
We're charged with the honor of hosting the 331st meeting of the Brimstone Assembly! Uh-huh.
Sure.
So where do you want me to assemble the chips and dip.
Oh.
By my mini fajitas, I think would be nice.
Or with the cheeses, since they are more of an appetizer.
So, then a star goes in the circle? Jefferson, this isn't "The Craft.
" Well if it was, I'd be Fairuza Balk and you'd be Rachel True.
- Which one is she? - Hmm, guess.
We're not "The Craft," and we don't put a star in the center.
We have a square representing perfection inside a circle representing unity inside a triangle representing simplicity.
Simplicity would be a star in the middle.
This right here's confusing.
Somebody else do this.
Ugh, I'm boiling in here! Will you just take off your cloak?! Take off your attitude! I have to keep my red power mantle on! Hey, you guys are early.
So just -- What the fuck is that? Seriously.
Oh, so it's okay when you do it, But when I do it, I'm a racist! - What the -- - We're merely in the guise of the two-headed man.
I'm Mr.
Rosey Grier.
Well, that's kind of my fault.
I told him it was a costume party because he simply refused to attend when I told him it was a magic gathering.
Yes! I find those trading-card games very confusing.
Gentlemen, get ready for project mayhem.
Got everything we'll need.
Shaving cream -- Finally! Dean, and I'm trying to be sensitive here, but it's about time we wiped that chocolate milk off your face.
You're packing a sad teen-stache there.
No, dill hole, it's for spraying on cars and stuff.
Rotten eggs.
Yeah, I buried these in my backyard for over a month, and they totally smell like dead dog fart by now.
I'm impressed with your foresight.
And I got a full multipack of ass wipe for trees and bushes.
What did you guys bring? Dermott.
Sweet, sweet, naive Dermott.
I brought with me the only thing you haven't prepared for -- A better idea.
The coup de grace, the crown on the head of Halloween pranks! Oh-ho, I like where you're going.
All right.
What's the idea? A night in a real haunted house.
Old Man Potter? And Bingo was his name-o.
No way.
Count me out.
Dad said we should never go over there.
Oh, my dad said I could never go.
Boo, hoo, hoo, I'm Dean.
Dean, we are men old enough to grow hair on our balls! Now it's time we use 'em before something else grows on 'em! Yeah, go home, put on the Kidz Bop version of "Thriller," then watch the Peanuts special like every year.
Go, Team Venture.
No! Fine, I'm going with you guys.
I'll show you who the real babies are! What are these, king size? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We hand out fun size here, Hatred.
Doc, we are 15 miles from the nearest house.
We got an electric fence, motion-sensitive laser defense modules.
If a kid makes it to that front door, They're getting the big candy bar! Just fill it for me.
I literally need a hand here.
No! No drinking.
I'm the one who has to hold your hair while you throw up! I can hold our liquor, sir! The last time you did this, you vomited for a solid hour! I swear I saw a license plate come up.
It was like we were gutting a tiger shark! He had his ribs removed so he could just bend over and enjoy his own⦠you know.
Well, that's what I heard, anyway.
Marilyn Manson? Are you sure? I heard it was Cher that had the ribs removed.
Why would she - Cher doesn't even have a⦠you know.
I have yet to meet a woman that doesn't dress sexy on Halloween.
Witch? No, sir - sexy witch.
Freddie Krueger? Nope - sexy Freddie Krueger.
Hm.
Sexy damn Freddie Krueger.
All ye of magical disciplines, the curtain to the netherworld is threadbare! The veil need not be lifted.
On this night, we need only to peer through it.
May all who enter this circle harness this sauin and may their magic be ture! Welcome to the Brimstone Assembly! Oh-ho-ho, ye of little faith! I owe you 5 bucks.
Knew it! Those lasers have a dilly of a time hitting small things.
Trick or treat! Oh, Pete and Billy don't count.
- No payout.
- Fine, no payout.
What are you guys? I'm the thinner, whiter Duke.
And I'm Rusty Venture, boy adventurer.
That's more disturbing than flattering.
Ohh, king size! Pfft, last year, Doc gave us a little thing of smarties to split between the both of us! Wanna double the wager? Oh, I'll triple it! Why are you still here? We came to hang out with you guys.
With the weight of a plume⦠An inflexible as cut timber⦠We raise aloft.
Oh, that is the work of the devil! That is the work of a teenage girl's sleepover! So, uh, is Old Man Potter, like, some sort of a child murderer or something cool? No idea.
My pop just told us our whole life to keep away from the Potter place.
Never said why.
He probably skins children and makes shoes out of 'em or something.
Man, I never knew this place was here.
I'm pretty sure this is all part of our property.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sure it is, Richie Rich.
Well, you know, since you own it, why don't you go inside first? Why don't you? 1, 2, 3.
Not it! Not it.
You know what? Fine.
I-it's just an old house anyway.
Gimme the flashlight.
Is he brave or stupid? Man, I think he just wants to be alone.
Hello? Hello? Is anyone in here? Hello? All right.
Screw this.
It's been long enough.
No acrofrontofacionasal dysostosis with comorbid idiopathic hirsutism in the orbital region, Yet clear early stage androgenic alopecia.
Poor little bastard.
Probably a genetic source, as the testosterone balance seems adequate, judging from the near lanugo facial display.
Eh, pupillary response good.
The subject is free of any fetiform teratoma and appears to have normal heart and lung function.
It's an impressive bag of meat, this one.
Wait, no, d- get out of there! We do not smell balls, Reco! Bad boy! Down! Well, that was⦠a⦠nice try.
Ohh.
It usually works.
Serves you right, you blasphemer! Well, that was a nice attempt at a conjuring by our friend Chris.
- Curse! Not Chris - it's Curse! - And now we have Red Mantle, one of the oldest members of The Brimstone Assembly with his, uh, ah, his, uh -- twist on a classic! You gonna play the banjo while he sings "mammy"? No! I will, if you all concentrate with me⦠- I'm Rosey Grier.
- â¦and harness the spirits that roam free on this All Hallows Eve, - He didn't tell me about this Easy Bake Coven he's a part of.
attempt to pull a rabbit from this hat! So, where's the twist, Bullwinkle? I'm actually gonna do it! Actually pull a rabbit from this hat! There's nothing up my sleeves or anything! That's what they all say.
No, seriously! I'm going to do it for real! It's really hard! Oh, uh, that's what she said! Oh, she said nothing of the sort! Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on! Ohh, so close.
10 more feet, and I would've won.
I'm telling you, they're way better off without parents.
Those lasers just pick 'em right off.
I had my money on electric fence.
- Who had laser sentry? - I had lasers! Oh, that is 10 bucks from each of you.
Rust, what the hell is this, cola and tomato soup? Close.
It's ketchup and bourbon.
I call it a Hunchback.
Hank gave me the idea a long time ago.
Nah, the pretzel part is lame.
It's really those little pumpernickel slices that are -- Wrong.
It's - it's the actual cereal pieces.
Oh, my god, when they're filled with that big hunk of flavor stuff? Precisely! Those are the best part! Oh, totally.
- Should we go get him? - You wanna get Chex Mix? No, get him.
Get Dean.
He's been in there forever.
No way.
He's going for it.
A night in a haunted house? Come on, freaking classic! It's the only cool thing he's ever done.
What's those - what's going on? Oh, you're awake.
Finally.
You've been out for an hour on one hit of chloroform, lightweith.
Eh, your brother's the same thing -- Sleeps like 10 hours a day ever since you stopped with the learning beds.
What's going on here? How do you know that? I've been watching you your whole life, since you were born, and every time after that.
- What are you, a perv? - Heh, hardly.
You don't know who I am, do you? Your dad never told you about me? He just said to stay away from the Potter house.
Who the fuck is Potter? My name's Ben.
Wait, did he say stay away from Potter's field? I don't know.
Maybe.
Well, that makes sense.
That whole field out there? Mass grave.
Between your grandpap and your old man, there's been hundreds of people killed on your property.
All of 'em are buried out there.
They call those Potter's fields, but I ain't Potter.
I'm Ben.
Oh, gorss! Come on! Get that thing off me! Reco, what - what is your problem?! Yeah, looks like Reco likes you -- or your balls at least.
- What the hell was that? - Oh, Reco? Recombinant lusus naturae.
That's his full, fancy name.
He's not used to guests.
I don't know what's up with him.
Listen, Mister.
Can you just let me down? I won't hurt you or anything.
I promise.
No.
No, no, no.
Of course.
Oh, you're not a prisoner or nothing.
Nah, I just wanted to see how you turned out.
You're a damn miracle! You got the onset of ocular degradation, but I think you'll look good in Buddy Holly glasses or something.
Why do you care how I turned out? I care because⦠well, I guess you could say that I care⦠because I brought you into this world.
Almost got it! The blue side keeps getting messed up when I do the red side.
Submit to desire.
I offer you ultimate pleasure.
Your thirst.
Your lust is hunger.
Submit to my toast - my pleasure toast.
You hunger for it.
Wait! Now I've got it! Look, all sides! Super, well, ta-da! - Oh, man.
- I'm glad we're back.
- Are they done? - Yes, finally.
That was horrible! Oh, ungodly blasphemers! No, here I agree with you.
That was way too kinky! Well, I certainly hope that kind of magic does not occur in their home, what with them raising my child! Oh, you old fuddy-duddy.
Let it go! Go outside and cool off.
Now, huh, let us welcome your favorite seeker of truth, the Alchemist.
Thank you.
You're very generous.
Okay, new flash! This is completely lame! It's Halloween, people! Let's get down to some raisin' of the dead! Let's make some zombies, huh?! Am I wrong?! You're wrong, and you are a dark-sided blashphemer! Ah, anyone besides Al Johson? Okay! Let's get it on! All right.
Yeah.
I see the belt.
But the hunter part is, like, it's a bunch of stars.
Yeah, it's stretch, I know.
Aw, dude! Did you just SBD? Oh, yeah - 100%.
I am baking brownies in the back door.
I don't know what's going on.
Aw, aw, huh, oh! It smells just like food! Hey, uh, Hank, you want a cupcake? - Why, you got one? - Cupcake.
- Knock it off! - You said you wanted a cupcake! Dude, what are you doing? What? Nothing.
Move, dude! Super fuckin' run away! Dean, calm down, will ya? - You're taking this all wrong.
- Wrong?! You're telling me I'm a clone, that I'm not even Dean, that I'm some stupid science experiment! - How do you want me to take it?! - No, come on.
No, no, no.
You're Dean.
There's no other Dean.
You're it, flesh and blood.
Look, I was conceived in the backseat of a Packard.
You were conceived in a tank.
So what? So I have no mommy, no nothing?! Dean, you have it all wrong.
You have a mommy, and your dad is your dad.
They made you by getting drunk and forgetting to wear a condom, like everybody else.
And your dad loved you so much that when you got a boo-boo, he kissed it and made it all better and made it go away.
You brought me back to life! Yeah, okay.
Well, you and your brother had some pretty big boo-boo.
I'm freakin' Frankenstein -- I mean, Frankenstein's monster⦠whatever! - You can't play God! - Will you knock it off? We didn't make you from a lotus flower, Dean.
We made you from you.
It's just⦠it's just so wrong! Have a kid one day, Dean.
Hold its lifelong body in your arms, and then tell me how wrong it is.
Your grandpap and I perfected genetic engineering Because God or whatever gave us a perfect map to do so.
Jonas, me, and, yes, your dad saw it as nothing more than a fuckin' band-aid for a really big boo-boo.
Hey, you - you want a beer? I think I do.
Don't tell your dad.
Ho! Ho! Ho! They're gonna make it.
Oh, man! I am the only one who has money on this! This is gonna be a massive payout! Oh, don't start counting it yet.
They have two more sentries left, and that pirate looks pretty tall.
Come on, kid! Jump around a little! No, you stay nice and steady.
Straight line between you and the candy.
Nice⦠and⦠straight.
- Amazing! - Oh, that's insane! Trick or treat! You're the luckiest kids ever! Greetings shitheads.
What's going on? Bow down, you buffoons! That's The Master! Ah, it's about damn time! Hello.
You all know me.
I live in many of your closets.
And guess what? You dinks have forced me out of the closet.
- You go, girl! - Solidarity, my brother! My master, why have you chosen the form of Father Christmas? Oh, I'm sorry.
Should I have chosen The Halloween Ferret? Not a lot of options here, pal.
You're not Santa! You are the devil! How dare -- Red Mantle, you know better than bringing a normal here, Even if he is wearing black.
That's not cool.
I didn't want to miss the party.
You know what? The party's over, okay? I just had to put hundreds of zombies back in the ground.
You've lost the true meaning of Christmas.
This is the day that a baby was born to remind us that we should raise an army of dead guys just because we can! Trick or treat! Oh, well! Look at you! Oh, my.
Ah, could you wait here momentarily? I have some delicious hors d'oeuvres inside.
Oh, hey, Orpheus.
You missed all the fun.
Your idiot friends had the great idea to reanimate a graveyard.
- Isn't that neat? - Not neat! There are children walking the streets! I'm so disappointed in all of you! Ohh, I smell a lecture.
Okay, okay, take it easy on 'em.
They didn't know that daddy keeps bullets in his gun.
I will, my master.
You're my best pupil and all that crap.
Thank you, my master.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
Ho, ho, ho! Uh, hey.
Super sorry, Orpheus.
We just got, you know, swept up in the Halloween spirit.
That is not the spirit of Halloween.
This is a night of true magic.
Halloween is the night we discover who we are.
Are we people who make zombie armies? Are we those who condemn others? Or are we beautiful children in resplendent costumes collecting candy? Are our choices in costumes provocative? Do we dress up as our ideal self? Or are we not ready to decide what to be? Dude, knock if off! Do you see it now? We use this one enchanted night to perform the greatest feat of magic there is.
We become ourselves.
Halloween is the true magic.
It is the night we discover who we really are! Hey.
I thought you died.
Well, wouldn't be the first time.
So, where's Dermott? He's watching the "Twilight Zone" marathon with the grown-ups.
So, what happend in the Potter house? - I learned something.
- Something scary? Well W-What? I guess, um I learned that beer tastes like pee-pee.