'Til Death s02e12 Episode Script
Snip/Duck
proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ Season02 Episode12 Til death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Ok.
How long does it take to pee on a stick? I already peed on the stick.
Now I'm just peeing.
Well,what's happening? Are we pregnant? You know,come on,honey.
Keep me in the loop.
Ok.
It takes 90 seconds.
So how was your day? It was good.
It was good.
I had a salad for lunch.
Salad.
Sa-lad.
Well,this is kinda funny, because I didn't-- I didn't think that something like this could happen anymore.
What do you mean? Well,you know.
I already thought that you went through the thing.
What thing? You know,your lady thing.
Menopause? Yeah,that thing.
- Eddie,how old do you think I am? - Ok.
Look,honey.
I know,you're still very young.
But,you know, you live pretty hard.
Ok.
If I had gone through menopause, why would I still have tampons in the house? Probably the same reason why I still have my cross country skis.
You're just too lazy to throw 'em out.
Ok,I think it's ready.
Oh,I can't look.
No,I'm not gonna hold it! You just peed on it.
I sit on your pee every morning! All right,listen joy.
Listen to me.
I just want you to know that I could not be more excited at the prospect of this wild new adventure that we are about to embark on together.
Me too,baby.
It's negative.
It's negative! No have a baby 'cause it's negative.
Oh,god.
I am so relieved! Yes,god.
Yes.
Very hilarious.
He had me going.
I was just punk'd by the lord! That was a close one.
Listen,we have no business having another baby.
Damn straight.
If I don't get Can you imagine me going That'd be rough on both of us.
We have to make sure that this never happens again.
Oh,you got that right.
Sex with you is not worth the risk.
We have to do something permanent.
Ok? So I think it's time maybe that you close up shop.
Come again? You get a vasectomy.
You know,a little snip snip.
"Little snip-snip"? It just happens to be the biggest snip-snip there is,joy.
Why don't you take one for the team and get your tubes tied.
Little tie tie.
Honey,that's major surgery! It's non-invasive now.
It's all done with lasers through the backside.
You know what? The bottom line is,eddie, I bore us a child.
So either you step up to the plate this time, or we're never having sex again.
With each other or Night night.
P! H! I! Don't stop him, he'll just start over.
Go,phillies! My man,it's the bottom of the first.
That's mine! That's mine! I got it! I-- Hey look,he got it.
Yeah.
But they're beating him up pretty good.
They're not even going for the ball any more.
They're just kicking him.
Should we do something? Yeah,we probably should.
I got it! I got it! I'm bleeding through my jeans, but I got it! Why don't you give it to the kid? What kid? Kenny.
He's my little brother.
He's older than I am.
That might technically be true, but he's disadvantaged.
He's not disadvantaged.
He drives a mazda rx-7.
Kenny,you don't really want this ball,do you? I like baseballs.
Hey,you guys want to come back on friday? It's bobblehead day.
I'd love to, but I gotta get a vasectomy.
Peanuts! Why would you get a vasectomy? Especially on bobblehead day? Well,joy and I-- we had this little pregnancy scare, and we realized neither of us wanted to have another baby.
So one of us has to close up shop.
So why's it gotta be you? Well,probably because having your tubes tied is a far more invasive procedure.
Oh,I'm sorry, I didn't realize you've had your tubes tied.
Continue,big bro.
Look,I'm not happy about this.
Actually I'm terrified.
But what choice do I have? What if--follow me here-- what if you pretended you wanted a baby? Get all frisky with her, you know what I'm saying? Put those big ass hands on her.
You know what I'm saying? Sooner or later, she's gotta stop you.
Right? It's like 2 cars heading down the highway-- right for each other-- one of those cars has got to swerve.
It's called playing chicken--but with sex.
It's called sex chicken! Ok.
So what you're saying is.
I act like I want a baby.
Then she thinks she's the only one who doesn't want one.
And,boom,she gets a procedure! You think that'll work? Let me tell you something.
When I was married, my wife wanted to get a cat.
But I do not like cats.
So I said I wanted to get a dog.
Because you like dogs? No.
I figured if she wouldn't let me get a dog, she couldn't get a cat.
So what happened? We ended up getting a cat and a dog.
And I fell in love with them both very hard.
How does that apply to me? You know what? Now that I've said it out loud,it really doesn't make any sense.
But sex chicken, obviously solid.
Are you really not going to give me my ball back? No,I am not.
what do ya got goin' on in there? I'm whitening.
What's going on with you? - Joy,I want a baby.
- What? I know this is crazy.
I know I said i was done.
But I've been in denial, joy.
I want to make a baby with you.
A freakishly tall and/or large-breasted baby.
What are you talking about? That is insane.
Is it,joy? Is it? Yeah,I thought we agreed we were done with all that.
Listen,look,honey.
I know that there are a million reasons why we shouldn't do this.
But there is one reason why we should.
Life,joy.
- But I- - life! Look at me.
I love you.
And I want this.
I want this more than anything i've ever wanted before.
Ok.
Let's do it.
Let's do what? Let's make a baby! I mean there's something so romantic about defying logic and just going for it! Well awesome! Right here in front of the window? But--but the johnson kids are skateboarding out there.
I don't care.
I want you now.
Back off,you hussy! I don't want a baby! I'll have a vasectomy! I knew it! God that was easy.
Who is it? Steph woodcock.
Jeff's wife.
So he is married to a woman.
I'll be damned.
Did I catch you getting into the shower? No.
What can I do for you? I want my husband's baseball back.
And I want curly blond bangs.
But we both know, that's not gonna happen.
Look,buddy, catching that ball was the most athletic thing my husband's done since he sprained his ankle climbing out of a trunk at magic camp.
So you're gonna give me my husband's ball, or I'm gonna take it from you.
Oh,ease up on me now,girl.
I promised my landlord, I wasn't gonna have another fight with a white girl in this hallway.
Did jeff send you over here? 'Cause,where I come from, that would not be considered, uh what am I thinking of here? Masculine.
My husband's plenty masculine,ok.
He doesn't even know i'm here.
He was just really upset about the ball, so he's blowing off some steam buying some new boat shoes.
You know what? You're a good woman.
You care for that man.
If that same kind of love existed between my ex-wife and myself, I would not be currently trying to remove her name and likeness from my left buttock.
You all right.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Hey,you didn't park in that dark area behind the building? Yeah,why? Be a dear and throw this in the dumpster for me.
She's sharpening a pencil.
Hello,I'm eddie stark.
I'm here for the,uh vasectomy? If you could just fill out this form.
Look,I appreciate you giving me a ride here and everything.
Ok.
But this is personal information.
I didn't see anything.
But if you want to impress the nurse, you might want to inflate the amount of times you have sex a week.
I did.
Who's doing your procedure? Dr.
Park.
Yes.
Is he a gay fellow? I don't know.
Why? You gotta get a gay dude.
You want someone who's seen the equipment from every angle.
Think about it.
You want an italian guy working on your ferrari.
You want a gay guy working on your ferrari.
So we start by making a small incision at the base of the scrotum.
Ok.
There may be some swelling.
Ok.
I recommend a bag of frozen peas.
It'll conform nicely to your area.
Do I have to take the peas out to dinner first? I'm so scared.
I don't blame you.
It's scary stuff.
So you like to play the guitar do ya? Yeah.
That's my real passion.
Shouldn't what you're doing to me on friday be your real passion? They got me working friday? I'm playing a show in atlantic city thursday night.
It's gonna be a rough turnaround,man.
Ok.
If you don't have any questions, I'll see you friday.
Ok.
Ah,cute.
- Those your kids? - Yep.
- Gonna have any more? - Nope.
- Did you get a vasectomy? - Nah.
Why not? I don't know.
There's my guy.
There's my big, brave guy.
I want you to know i'm proud of you for doing this.
I feel so bad.
Bad enough that you'll do your thing instead? Just shy of that.
What's going on here? I just picked up some supplies for my anticipated swelling.
Uh,baby.
Don't take this the wrong way.
But that's a lot peas for what you got going on down there.
It's not all peas,joy.
All right? I got lima beans for surface area.
Corn for the nooks and crannies.
And shrimp pot stickers because they were on sale.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to prep my area.
Wait,you're gonna shave yourself? I though maybe they'd take care of that at the hospital? Well,they gave me the choice.
And I figure no one cares more than me.
Who is it? Hey,it's jeff.
What's going on,jeffrey? So I heard steph came by and made you give me my ball back.
And frankly, that's just not how I roll.
So,here take the ball back.
- Really? - Yeah.
That's right.
You want me to take that back? If I want my ball back, I'll come and I'll get it myself.
All right.
I want my ball back.
No.
Come on! You gave it to steph! She's intimidating.
Hey,I--I am intimidating.
I can be very intimidating when I want to be.
You wanna dance, let's dance? See that sounds like you actually want to dance.
You know what? Just forget it.
Just keep the ball.
Jeff! Wait,wait.
Come on back here,man.
Come on back here,man.
Do me a solid and drag this down to the curb,man.
Well,this is it.
Honey,I just want you to know that I appreciate what you're doing.
I know that it's a big deal.
And I want you to know that I'm at peace with it.
And I'm ready.
Eddie! Sweetie? We've had a good run, little buddies.
All right.
Hey,bro,what's up? I'll see you upstairs.
- Who was that? - My doctor.
Don't do this.
- What? - Let's just go home.
Joy,I'm fine.
I'm ready.
Well I don't think I am.
- You want another baby? - I don't know.
I don't think so, but this is just so final.
Come on, let's just go home.
Mom,joey keeps licking his hands and touching me! - I'm not touching you.
- He's touching me.
- I'm not touching you.
- Stop it! Everybody,just stop it! Stop pulling the boy leash, it's making him nauseous.
If I stop pulling it, he's going to run out in front of a car.
- Is that what you want? - Yeah,that's exactly what I want.
Douche! Douche? Oh that's nice.
I spend every waking hour taking care of these kids and what do I get from you? Nothing! You come home from work.
You kill 2 6-packs! You fall asleep watching sports on the couch! That's not what I signed up for,pal! I have a job! This is your job! - Let's do this.
- Let's go.
Can you hold that door? No,sorry.
We can'T.
Yeah.
But good luck with all that.
Who is it? Suck on that! proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ
Ok.
How long does it take to pee on a stick? I already peed on the stick.
Now I'm just peeing.
Well,what's happening? Are we pregnant? You know,come on,honey.
Keep me in the loop.
Ok.
It takes 90 seconds.
So how was your day? It was good.
It was good.
I had a salad for lunch.
Salad.
Sa-lad.
Well,this is kinda funny, because I didn't-- I didn't think that something like this could happen anymore.
What do you mean? Well,you know.
I already thought that you went through the thing.
What thing? You know,your lady thing.
Menopause? Yeah,that thing.
- Eddie,how old do you think I am? - Ok.
Look,honey.
I know,you're still very young.
But,you know, you live pretty hard.
Ok.
If I had gone through menopause, why would I still have tampons in the house? Probably the same reason why I still have my cross country skis.
You're just too lazy to throw 'em out.
Ok,I think it's ready.
Oh,I can't look.
No,I'm not gonna hold it! You just peed on it.
I sit on your pee every morning! All right,listen joy.
Listen to me.
I just want you to know that I could not be more excited at the prospect of this wild new adventure that we are about to embark on together.
Me too,baby.
It's negative.
It's negative! No have a baby 'cause it's negative.
Oh,god.
I am so relieved! Yes,god.
Yes.
Very hilarious.
He had me going.
I was just punk'd by the lord! That was a close one.
Listen,we have no business having another baby.
Damn straight.
If I don't get Can you imagine me going That'd be rough on both of us.
We have to make sure that this never happens again.
Oh,you got that right.
Sex with you is not worth the risk.
We have to do something permanent.
Ok? So I think it's time maybe that you close up shop.
Come again? You get a vasectomy.
You know,a little snip snip.
"Little snip-snip"? It just happens to be the biggest snip-snip there is,joy.
Why don't you take one for the team and get your tubes tied.
Little tie tie.
Honey,that's major surgery! It's non-invasive now.
It's all done with lasers through the backside.
You know what? The bottom line is,eddie, I bore us a child.
So either you step up to the plate this time, or we're never having sex again.
With each other or Night night.
P! H! I! Don't stop him, he'll just start over.
Go,phillies! My man,it's the bottom of the first.
That's mine! That's mine! I got it! I-- Hey look,he got it.
Yeah.
But they're beating him up pretty good.
They're not even going for the ball any more.
They're just kicking him.
Should we do something? Yeah,we probably should.
I got it! I got it! I'm bleeding through my jeans, but I got it! Why don't you give it to the kid? What kid? Kenny.
He's my little brother.
He's older than I am.
That might technically be true, but he's disadvantaged.
He's not disadvantaged.
He drives a mazda rx-7.
Kenny,you don't really want this ball,do you? I like baseballs.
Hey,you guys want to come back on friday? It's bobblehead day.
I'd love to, but I gotta get a vasectomy.
Peanuts! Why would you get a vasectomy? Especially on bobblehead day? Well,joy and I-- we had this little pregnancy scare, and we realized neither of us wanted to have another baby.
So one of us has to close up shop.
So why's it gotta be you? Well,probably because having your tubes tied is a far more invasive procedure.
Oh,I'm sorry, I didn't realize you've had your tubes tied.
Continue,big bro.
Look,I'm not happy about this.
Actually I'm terrified.
But what choice do I have? What if--follow me here-- what if you pretended you wanted a baby? Get all frisky with her, you know what I'm saying? Put those big ass hands on her.
You know what I'm saying? Sooner or later, she's gotta stop you.
Right? It's like 2 cars heading down the highway-- right for each other-- one of those cars has got to swerve.
It's called playing chicken--but with sex.
It's called sex chicken! Ok.
So what you're saying is.
I act like I want a baby.
Then she thinks she's the only one who doesn't want one.
And,boom,she gets a procedure! You think that'll work? Let me tell you something.
When I was married, my wife wanted to get a cat.
But I do not like cats.
So I said I wanted to get a dog.
Because you like dogs? No.
I figured if she wouldn't let me get a dog, she couldn't get a cat.
So what happened? We ended up getting a cat and a dog.
And I fell in love with them both very hard.
How does that apply to me? You know what? Now that I've said it out loud,it really doesn't make any sense.
But sex chicken, obviously solid.
Are you really not going to give me my ball back? No,I am not.
what do ya got goin' on in there? I'm whitening.
What's going on with you? - Joy,I want a baby.
- What? I know this is crazy.
I know I said i was done.
But I've been in denial, joy.
I want to make a baby with you.
A freakishly tall and/or large-breasted baby.
What are you talking about? That is insane.
Is it,joy? Is it? Yeah,I thought we agreed we were done with all that.
Listen,look,honey.
I know that there are a million reasons why we shouldn't do this.
But there is one reason why we should.
Life,joy.
- But I- - life! Look at me.
I love you.
And I want this.
I want this more than anything i've ever wanted before.
Ok.
Let's do it.
Let's do what? Let's make a baby! I mean there's something so romantic about defying logic and just going for it! Well awesome! Right here in front of the window? But--but the johnson kids are skateboarding out there.
I don't care.
I want you now.
Back off,you hussy! I don't want a baby! I'll have a vasectomy! I knew it! God that was easy.
Who is it? Steph woodcock.
Jeff's wife.
So he is married to a woman.
I'll be damned.
Did I catch you getting into the shower? No.
What can I do for you? I want my husband's baseball back.
And I want curly blond bangs.
But we both know, that's not gonna happen.
Look,buddy, catching that ball was the most athletic thing my husband's done since he sprained his ankle climbing out of a trunk at magic camp.
So you're gonna give me my husband's ball, or I'm gonna take it from you.
Oh,ease up on me now,girl.
I promised my landlord, I wasn't gonna have another fight with a white girl in this hallway.
Did jeff send you over here? 'Cause,where I come from, that would not be considered, uh what am I thinking of here? Masculine.
My husband's plenty masculine,ok.
He doesn't even know i'm here.
He was just really upset about the ball, so he's blowing off some steam buying some new boat shoes.
You know what? You're a good woman.
You care for that man.
If that same kind of love existed between my ex-wife and myself, I would not be currently trying to remove her name and likeness from my left buttock.
You all right.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Hey,you didn't park in that dark area behind the building? Yeah,why? Be a dear and throw this in the dumpster for me.
She's sharpening a pencil.
Hello,I'm eddie stark.
I'm here for the,uh vasectomy? If you could just fill out this form.
Look,I appreciate you giving me a ride here and everything.
Ok.
But this is personal information.
I didn't see anything.
But if you want to impress the nurse, you might want to inflate the amount of times you have sex a week.
I did.
Who's doing your procedure? Dr.
Park.
Yes.
Is he a gay fellow? I don't know.
Why? You gotta get a gay dude.
You want someone who's seen the equipment from every angle.
Think about it.
You want an italian guy working on your ferrari.
You want a gay guy working on your ferrari.
So we start by making a small incision at the base of the scrotum.
Ok.
There may be some swelling.
Ok.
I recommend a bag of frozen peas.
It'll conform nicely to your area.
Do I have to take the peas out to dinner first? I'm so scared.
I don't blame you.
It's scary stuff.
So you like to play the guitar do ya? Yeah.
That's my real passion.
Shouldn't what you're doing to me on friday be your real passion? They got me working friday? I'm playing a show in atlantic city thursday night.
It's gonna be a rough turnaround,man.
Ok.
If you don't have any questions, I'll see you friday.
Ok.
Ah,cute.
- Those your kids? - Yep.
- Gonna have any more? - Nope.
- Did you get a vasectomy? - Nah.
Why not? I don't know.
There's my guy.
There's my big, brave guy.
I want you to know i'm proud of you for doing this.
I feel so bad.
Bad enough that you'll do your thing instead? Just shy of that.
What's going on here? I just picked up some supplies for my anticipated swelling.
Uh,baby.
Don't take this the wrong way.
But that's a lot peas for what you got going on down there.
It's not all peas,joy.
All right? I got lima beans for surface area.
Corn for the nooks and crannies.
And shrimp pot stickers because they were on sale.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to prep my area.
Wait,you're gonna shave yourself? I though maybe they'd take care of that at the hospital? Well,they gave me the choice.
And I figure no one cares more than me.
Who is it? Hey,it's jeff.
What's going on,jeffrey? So I heard steph came by and made you give me my ball back.
And frankly, that's just not how I roll.
So,here take the ball back.
- Really? - Yeah.
That's right.
You want me to take that back? If I want my ball back, I'll come and I'll get it myself.
All right.
I want my ball back.
No.
Come on! You gave it to steph! She's intimidating.
Hey,I--I am intimidating.
I can be very intimidating when I want to be.
You wanna dance, let's dance? See that sounds like you actually want to dance.
You know what? Just forget it.
Just keep the ball.
Jeff! Wait,wait.
Come on back here,man.
Come on back here,man.
Do me a solid and drag this down to the curb,man.
Well,this is it.
Honey,I just want you to know that I appreciate what you're doing.
I know that it's a big deal.
And I want you to know that I'm at peace with it.
And I'm ready.
Eddie! Sweetie? We've had a good run, little buddies.
All right.
Hey,bro,what's up? I'll see you upstairs.
- Who was that? - My doctor.
Don't do this.
- What? - Let's just go home.
Joy,I'm fine.
I'm ready.
Well I don't think I am.
- You want another baby? - I don't know.
I don't think so, but this is just so final.
Come on, let's just go home.
Mom,joey keeps licking his hands and touching me! - I'm not touching you.
- He's touching me.
- I'm not touching you.
- Stop it! Everybody,just stop it! Stop pulling the boy leash, it's making him nauseous.
If I stop pulling it, he's going to run out in front of a car.
- Is that what you want? - Yeah,that's exactly what I want.
Douche! Douche? Oh that's nice.
I spend every waking hour taking care of these kids and what do I get from you? Nothing! You come home from work.
You kill 2 6-packs! You fall asleep watching sports on the couch! That's not what I signed up for,pal! I have a job! This is your job! - Let's do this.
- Let's go.
Can you hold that door? No,sorry.
We can'T.
Yeah.
But good luck with all that.
Who is it? Suck on that! proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ