Top Gear (2002) s02e03 Episode Script
David Soul Breaks Two Lianas
This week the off-road Porsche Cayenne went on sale in Britain.
It's the most eagerly-awaited new car of the year.
So have we tested it? No.
That's exactly what they were expecting us to do.
Instead we've tested its sister car.
This - the Volkswagen Touareg.
Most big off-road cars aren't designed to do this.
The Porsche Cayenne is a road-going 911 on stilts.
A sort of Swiss Family Rocketship! Then there is the ultimate urban animal.
BMW's Fireball XL5.
The Touareg has locking differentials and skid plates, and a low-range gearbox so it keeps rolling when things get military.
Have a look at the tyres.
They may look like they belong on a motorway but the wheels have been stiffened to take whatever punishment is thrown at them.
Onwards.
The best thing about the Touareg is its engine.
You can have a 3.
2L V6 or a 4.
2L V8 and I'm sure they're jolly lovely.
I've gone for the diesel.
This isn't the onset of madness.
I haven't come over Bill Oddie-ish! This is no ordinary diesel engine.
It's huge.
A turbo-charged 5L V10.
That's fantastic! The figures it produces are no less vast.
It churns out If the world stops spinning and they need a car to get it started again - this is it! If you run a business specialising in removing enormous trees from inaccessible forests, plainly the V10 Touareg is ideal.
But what if you're an accountant? Or a heating engineer? Or a surgeon? Or you want something for the school run.
Well, let's find out.
It's quite fast - 140 miles an hour.
But there are some drawbacks.
The engine is a third of a ton heavier than the V6.
That means no more than 19 miles to the gallon.
Because you have a foundry under the bonnet, the handling isn't much cop.
It's like driving around on four flat tyres.
You keep adjusting the wheel just to go in a straight line.
Then there's the ride.
The suspension goes into sport mode.
That's like sitting on a machine separating small rocks from large.
So you go OK - I'll put it into comfort mode.
Then it rolls so much your children will vomit explosively and copiously down your shirt.
I took a Touareg to EuroDisney with the children recently.
I'd the choice of teeth out, or carrots down the shirt.
I went for the vomit.
That's how bad the sports suspension is.
There were a few other problems too.
The luggage cover rattled, the oil light kept coming on.
The stereo sounded like a 19th century gramophone.
And this is the view from the rear view mirror.
I could go on.
So I shall.
The gearbox works in geological time.
The styling is iffy.
The seat gave me backache.
The phone holder is an afterthought.
"Have we thought of everything? Agh! The phone! " It's there.
My phone fits - but it doesn't work.
The price is £50,000.
I'd rather EAT the money.
You do hear it said that there's no such thing as a bad car.
Clearly with the VW Toe-rag that's not the case! They still make them.
When I was a lad we'd get cars from Wartburgs and Polski-Fiats, British Leyland and other left-wing dictatorships.
But you do still get 'em.
Does anybody here own an Audi A2? That's a bad car.
They're not going to admit it.
It's made of beer tins and the windows are too small.
You can't open the bonnet.
If you put the wipers on, the car rocks.
That's right, but the worse thing is the price - £17,000! You could buy a car for that! What about the Hyundai Sonata? That's the same car as Kia Magentis.
Buy a Kia Magentis and for a £1,000 more you can have a Hyundai Sonata.
When I asked why they said, "You're paying for the name!" LAUGHTER Anybody here got any ideas of a bad car? Hold on a minute.
Daewoo.
Which one? A Lamos.
They ARE shocking.
The problem is we can't remember why they're shocking.
It didn't have any effect.
It just passes you by.
Anyone else? Hold on a minute.
Vauxhall VX 220.
Out! Come on! LAUGHTER Out! Right the way over here! The Vauxhall VX 220 is a fine car in every way.
Go on! Out! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sorry about that.
I've just driven a new Vauxhall VX220.
It's brilliant! Wonderful! No-one said a Vauxhall Vectra.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: It's a good car! He's come here in a turtleneck jumper with face hair! Why is it good? It'll do anything on the motorway if you're a rep.
I'm not a rep, are you? No.
Why the hell are you interested? What DO you drive? A TVR.
Has it ever broken down? Twice.
Why? Something they didn't tell me about.
The other time it was something else.
He's interested in his engine! LAUGHTER What I want you to do is to write down what you think is the worst car on sale today.
Can we have music? It won't take long.
Let's have a look.
That's amazing! What are the chances of that? We've all said the same! The rules of sports car building are simple.
It must look good both outside and inside.
It must ride and handle well.
How does the Lexus SC430 do? It's none of those things which is an achievement cos most cars would manage to get two out of four right.
I mean, just look at this wood! That is the car equivalent of a giant cabinet for your telly.
It's not as if they had a miserable Changing Rooms budget of £500.
They had bucket-loads of cash.
They still came up with a Mexican hacienda.
When it was first launched, the SC430 came with run flat tyres which of course are virtually solid.
Fred Flintstone had similar ones.
Believe me, it made for a hard ride.
Quite recently Lexus waved the white flag and replaced the tyres with ordinary ones to soften the suspension.
But not enough - not by a long way.
It's not hard and communicative enough for a sporty chassis nor comfy enough to be a cruiser.
It's a dreadful compromise.
It's horrible.
I don't like driving it at all.
The engine people did well.
It IS a good engine and so is the stereo.
Once you've waited for the gates to open! The roof could have been good too.
Look at that! One minute it's got a roof, the next it hasn't.
Brilliant! Hasn't got a boot now.
It's full of roof.
Utterly, utterly useless! Mind you, they are leather.
There's a label.
I suspect it will be left on.
Lexus can and do make good cars.
But when they came to make a sports coupe it all went wrong.
They didn't follow the simple rules which is a shame.
If you do, anybody can make a good sports car.
Even Hyundai, whose pedigree isn't exactly Lotus.
When they started making cars, their background was in trains, really heavy industrial stuff.
It's like JCB saying, "Our diggers are good, so let's try a car.
" Not all is out of the top drawer.
Look at the interior! I'm sure it will last, but it has a whiff of the Amstrad.
Unlike the Lexus, that's where the moaning stops.
Just look at it! There have been moans that it cribs the looks of the Ferrari 456.
Sorry? You can buy a £18,500 coupe that looks like a Ferrari.
That's a bad thing, is it? Right.
Then, there's the chassis.
The Lexus feels flabby and charmless but this feels sharp.
It's egging me on to go quicker.
This is a good drive, and I don't mean just for £18,500.
It's just a good drive.
Fact.
It's not massively powerful.
This is the top spec 2.
7L V6, with only 165bhp.
What it has is a six-speed gearbox, which makes the most of that 165bhp.
It makes up for it.
It sounds nice - I like this car.
In fact, for £18,500, this is a proper charmer.
The Lexus looks like a fat £50,000 folly.
This is the new Citroen C2.
Talk about knowing your market.
Citroen has already fitted big flared wheel arches so you can get 16" rims under them.
I like it.
You like it? Yes! You don't, do you? I do.
I don't like that ready modified look.
It should be one or the other.
You live in Gloucestershire.
I do! IN WEST COUNTRy ACCENT: If it's not Massey Ferguson, you don't like it.
Not sturdy, and no power take-off.
Can I do one now? Porsche has a race championship called the Porsche Carrera Cup of Great Britain.
They're producing a road version of the car competing in that - the 911 GT3.
They've done GT3s before.
This is the new one.
It's stunning, and it's not just the looks.
It's 381bhp.
It costs £72,000, but it's racetrack technology.
I get confused with 911s.
Is that turbo? No, it's normally aspirated.
The GT2's a turbo and the turbo's a turbo, obviously.
Yes.
Why's a GT2 not a turbo? It is.
Why's it CALLED a GT2, not a turbo? Because the turbo's the turbo.
You couldn't See? Does anyone understand the 911 range? No? Boredom.
They've made the same car for 100 years, and all they think of is, "We'll have GT2, GT3, turbo, GT2, GT1 " Must be fun going into the dealer and asking for one - Iike ordering breakfast in America.
"I just want eggs!" "Just give me a Porsche!" If you're feeling even more wealthy, for £330,000, another Porsche racer, the Carrera GT.
We've waited for this since it was at the Paris Motor Show in 2000.
Glorious.
Stunning.
Look at this! Look at this! Aah! V10 How much? £330,000.
AUDIENCE GASPS What?! You should do that - "Oooh!" This doesn't happen often, a new Bristol - the Fighter.
It's the Mk II, as the first was a biplane launched in 1916.
This is more promising.
It's a two door gullwing supercar, costing £230,000.
V10 engine, 525bhp.
The same engine as a Dodge Viper? Essentially, but it has more power in the Bristol.
Why? Dunno.
Mahogany crank shaft?! LAUGHTER I loved Bristols when I was a kid LAUGHTER No, they got confused, James.
You loved Bristols as a child? I loved bristols, then I found cars.
I fancied the idea of a Bristol.
I live 1.
5 miles from the Bristol showroom in South Kensington.
It's the only one, so I thought I'd go and drive a Bristol.
They wouldn't let me in, because I know you! The problem is, I once drove a Bristol.
All I said in the road test was that the glove box handle Iooked like a 1940s telephone flex, a Herriot thing.
That was it.
"You're banned, you'll never drive another Bristol.
" Not devastating - "I'll use the SL.
" On the phone, they used to say, "May I help you? " Now it's, "Do you know Jeremy? " Say yes, you get a Bakelite click.
Excellent news on insider dealing.
We, the British car-buying public, have the British car dealer over a barrel.
Oh, good! Last year was a record year in the UK for car sales.
Yeah.
This year isn't - war, recession and the rest.
They can't turn it around very quickly.
They were geared up for huge demand, so they've got too many cars.
They're relying on preregistration.
To keep their figures looking good, manufacturers and importers will sell a car to themselves and put it on the forecourt as an ex-demonstrator.
These cars are new.
They've done a few miles, but technically, they're second-hand.
What does this do to prices? I found a Ford Focus TDCi, a great car, £14,995 list, for £10,995.
A sizeable amount! Fantastic deal! It's only had a numberplate put on.
It IS a new car.
New, with a numberplate.
Sports cars - you'd expect us to say, "It's almost summer, "don't buy a sports car.
"Everyone wants one, prices go up.
" Here's a tip - it's not true.
It's over supply.
Let's take the MX5.
Loads have come over from Japan.
They couldn't say, "Send them back to Japan.
" They're piled up in a car supermarket in Manchester.
The 1.
8iS is the best engine, suspension and nicest alloy wheels.
The Mazda MX5 is the best two-seater.
It's the one I'd have.
I've found it with £3,525 off, which makes it £14,500, which is less than you'd pay for the basic 1.
6.
That's a bargain! Ever found £1 down the sofa? Yes, I have.
You can't get much for £1 today.
No.
You can't get half a bitter.
No.
But you can buy a car.
You can go into a Kia dealership with £1 and drive away in a Rio.
I presume there's more to pay after that.
Yes.
It's a five-year deal, about £120.
30 a month.
At the end, there's £50 payment to secure the car as yours.
Obviously, that's an APR of 8.
1%.
You can go out with a pound .
.
and come back with a car! You can't do that in the toy shop near me.
That's true! You can get a Kia! A real one! Which country makes the fastest supercar? What do we have in the supercar line-up? From Germany, the Porsche 911.
From Japan, the Honda NSX.
From the USA, and the closest thing they make to a sports car, the Chevrolet Corvette.
From France, the only supercar they build, the Venturi Atlantique.
And from Italy, what else but the gorgeous Ferrari 360? And finally, the UK representative, our tatty, Top Gear Jag.
This, remember, is the same Jag we bought last series for pennies and stripped down to see if we could make it go any faster.
It's worthless, so, this should be good! ENGINES REV And perhaps rather predictably, the Jag embarrasses itself.
Oh, dear! What was the result? Porsche first, Ferrari second, Honda third.
The Jaguar was rubbish! Yes! It took 18.
5 seconds to do the standing quarter-mile.
Poor! Put a German engine in it.
No, that's what they'd expect us to do.
We've got a secret weapon.
We'll try again later.
Right! What are you doing? Putting this on to honour our guest tonight.
In the history of American cop shows, this man has had his bottom chewed by an angry black police captain more than anyone else.
From Starsky and Hutch, David Soul! Hello! Hello.
Have a seat.
Ah! I remember that from somewhere.
You didn't wear the cardies, did you? You're trying too hard with that! It's good! It's a sweater! It's a cardigan! It does up.
You were bomber jacket man.
They dressed me in leather.
Really? Yeah.
Cool, compared to Michael Glaser.
Actually, the way we set trends We didn't know we were setting a trend.
We fought - he's got a blue shirt, I want one.
You lost.
He got the cardigan Yes, cardigan and a pair of jeans.
He got the Torino, you got a bomber jacket.
What was your car? A Ford Fairlane.
Rubbish! Actually, on a flat out straight, my car outdid the red tomato.
Really? Yeah.
That's what I called it.
Did you have any idea when you filmed, how much of an impact that car had? I grew up in Yorkshire.
Everybody had a white stripe on their car! Everybody thought they were Starsky and Hutch! No, that's very true.
It was probably next to It was probably the star of the show.
We won't have that! YOU were the stars.
I just wanted to hear you say that! Were you aware of the impact you had? The car? The show.
You were aware? Little by little.
You're shut away in the studio for the first year.
You don't see folks.
You're working 18 hours a day.
Slowly, the popularity spread.
The first year, it didn't do too well.
The second year, it took off.
Mmm.
Cops loved it.
On that show, I didn't get a ticket! Really? Where was it filmed? Los Angeles.
I drove down the Ventura Freeway at 110mph.
I saw the light behind me.
"Oh! Here it comes.
" The guy pulled up next to me.
He'd recognise me in the car and he'd go I get that.
You know? I get, "I'm gonna write you a ticket.
" Now, I think you are our first American guest.
Why can't the Americans make cars? Why? The Mustang was a brief blip.
It's been 100 years of horror.
I had a Corvette and I loved it.
What did you like about that? I realised a dream in that car.
I went out to the desert with a girl I was with and we took clothes off.
Stark naked and the Mohabi desert is huge.
And there's nothing but a straight road and I floored that sucker and went 135mph stark naked in the middle of the desert.
LAUGHTER One of the things you wanna do Yes, in that list of things you want to do before you die.
Drive a 'Vette, naked across the desert But it wouldn't be a 'Vette.
A terrible car.
Well, I won't tell you what happened then! Yes, you will! LAUGHTER You're not here to relive the old days, you're here to drive our car around our track.
That's the idea.
That's the idea, absolutely.
We had the car especially decorated.
Anyone want to guess what we did?! Let's have a look at your lap.
Here we go.
You look a bit concentrate-y there.
The Stig tells me that you were a very, very good driver.
You were the first guest in with a shout of beating our current leader, Jay Kay, on 1.
48.
A bit violent with the gear box if I may just say.
Hold on Coming up What happened? All these people have driven our reasonably priced cars, without a single bit of trouble.
We get the first American on, and you broke it! You broke the gear box! But we have a back up Suzuki Liana, just in case, by some miracle, it went wrong.
We sent him out in that.
Let's have a look what happened.
Second car, coming along.
Into the next bend, still being violent with the gearbox.
And, into the second-to-last corner.
Last corner.
And LAUGHTER It's the second one you've broken.
You didn't have to bring that up! How to ruin a show quick, huh? Ask Soul to come on.
I can't believe this car! Ladies and gentlemen, he broke two of them! APPLAUSE I'm sorry to break this to you, but the clock was running on your first lap and you did set a time.
I'm going to write it up.
Now, bear in mind, the Stig took this guy out and I'm not kidding after what you've done to our precious car.
He said you were as good as JK and were up for beating him.
But you didn't.
In fact, you did one minute and 54 seconds, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING And that was coasting the last 300 yards.
Yes, you might have been up here.
But you're not.
We must save up and have you again.
David Soul! APPLAUSE Thank you.
Thank you.
What would you say to Perodua Kelisa? Bless you! Prod-dod-ula? No.
Per-og-ulja.
Per-rod-ula? No.
Per-rod-ua.
Produa! Prodja.
Near enough.
Prod proj produla.
A bacon sandwich.
And this is a car.
It isn't going to get much more complicated than that.
The Perodua Kelisa, Britain's cheapest new car.
It's yours from £5,000.
A bacon sarnie isn't dribbled with jus or served "on a bed of", and the Kelisa doesn't come with fatuous brand attributes or lifestyle marketing messages.
A basic meal and a basic car.
There was a time when Britain's cheapest motor was truly horrible.
Like a Lada.
This is promising.
It's made in Malaysia in a new factory rather than slung together by resentful communists.
It's got everything you'd expect.
An engine.
Small - three cylinders.
Seats.
Instruments.
The windows go up and down.
A boot.
It's built down.
The dashboard's shiny, but it's all there.
It's got airbags.
Britain's cheapest car used to be a polite way of saying "rubbish".
Not any more.
The Perodua is perfectly OK.
I wasn't expecting more and I wasn't expecting entertainment.
This whole car is full of "feel".
It's a simple thing - small tyres.
The engine has to be thrashed.
You get a sense that there's not much between you and the oily bits.
The real secret is that it's so light.
It's 150kg lighter than a Ford Ka.
That's like throwing two passengers out, it's lively.
I actually like it.
It's a laugh.
It's essence of driving, no garnish.
I might get letters for saying this, but it's the nearest thing I've driven to the original Mini.
OK, it's not a Ferrari, but James, I'm with you on this one.
I think it's great.
I love the little noises it makes.
That little three-cylinder engine and the clang when you slam the doors.
You weren't strictly honest.
That's not the five grand one, is it? No, I came over aspirational.
I got the GX with electric windows and two tone upholstery.
It's £5,800.
That's still fantastic.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's made in a jungle clearing by someone who went to work on an ox! I think you're missing the point.
That's why I'm siding with him.
That's a cracker of a car.
I can't be bothered to argue.
It may be nice to drive, but I'm going to do an experiment.
I've got the keys.
OK, you.
Right? How do I say it? Perodua.
Perodua.
Watch this.
Perodua Kelisa.
Nothing.
Absolutely no response.
It ain't perfect, but it's good.
However.
You might be more interested - and I'm not being sexist - in what I'll do now.
I'm going to make a pair of trousers.
I've got everything I need.
Material, a zip.
I've got a Phaff Cutting edge.
I'll show you the controls.
That's the traction control.
There's my throttle.
All we have to do - I've already started - the strides here.
Lift up the foot.
Slide it in.
This is not a joke, OK? I know how to drive it.
My mother had a soft toy factory.
I could sew before I could ride a bike! And I can cook.
It's what makes me so attractive with women.
LAUGHTER Why are they laughing again? Anyway, here we go.
I've got the foot lever down.
A simple seam.
No overlocking.
Oh, my God! This may take a little while.
We'll do something else and come back later for a trouser update.
LAUGHTER Right.
Earlier our glorious Jaguar XJS was battered by the might of the world's supercars in a straight line fight.
But we're not going to leave it at that.
We're having another go.
But this time the Jag has got a trick up its trousers.
The Top Gear warhorse will take on the best the world has to offer.
How are we gonna do that? We'll cheat.
With the help of the wizards of NOS.
NOS is Nitrous Oxide System.
The guys who fit it are the wizards.
How much difference will this make? The system can deliver up to 500Hp extra.
Over and above? That's right.
Just simply, how does it work? We feed nitrous oxide into the engine.
We mix that with extra fuel.
The combination of the two burns in the engine and produces more power.
And if the percentages are wrong? Too much fuel and it'll reduce power.
Too much nitrous could melt something.
Like the engine? Yes.
So you'll probably break our car.
And there they are - £500,000 of super cars against a £200 Jag - albeit with a few hundred quid of nitrous added.
I just hope it makes it to the start line.
For this run the nitrous will give our old heap an extra 200Hp - a total of 500.
Will it be enough? And will it hold together? Oh, yes.
Straight away you can see the difference! It's passed the Venturi, the Corvett, the Honda, the Ferrari 360.
But the question is, can it hold off that mighty Porsche 911 Turbo? Yes! It can! APPLAUSE Ah! Fantastic.
There's life in the old warhorse yet.
A £250 Jag, £500 worth of nitrous and it does a quarter in 13 seconds.
That's faster than a Porsche 911 Turbo and a Ferrari 360.
Now for some more trouser action.
Thanks, Richard.
I have good news.
My trousers are finished.
I've got a member of the production team to model them for me.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I don't know how that happened.
I had the material, I had the zip.
I just made a complete hash of it.
That's exactly what happened with the BMW Z8.
BMW had the best brains in the business.
They had an M5 engine, a trick rear axle, they even got Bond to drive one.
It should've been spectacularly good.
But that's what they expected.
It turned out to be awful.
Let me show you what it was like to drive.
LAUGHTER Ah, yes.
Exactly what a Z8 is like to drive.
There's a sense of "Ooh! What will happen next?! " The problem was, they didn't know what they wanted the Z8 to be - sports car, muscle car, cruiser.
And it's ended up as a sort of browny green mush of all three.
Happily, BMW recently announced that they will stop making it.
But, before it goes to the dusty vaults of history, a German company has had one last attempt to get it right.
This is the Alpina Z8.
You can tell it's an Alpina because of its huge wheels and tyres and because it says Alpina on the back.
They've made merry with the blue suede and the equally blue dials.
This looks just as good as the original and it's just as left-hand drive, but does it go any better? TYRES SCREECH After much careful deliberation, the simple answer is no.
And that's the problem.
Hold your camera! He can't hold his camera because you correct the slide then the whole body weight is hurled the other way - you get a pendulum effect.
It ain't no sports car.
That's for sure.
Getting it round a corner is like getting a wardrobe up a fire escape.
It's very hard work.
And it's hard to see where you're going.
Dearie me.
It really doesn't like this sort of treatment.
If Alpina haven't made it handle any better, what have they done? Well, the first thing they did was take out the 5L engine and replace it with their own 4.
8.
Smaller engine - less power.
This must be the first ever tuned car that's slower than the original.
They replaced the six speed manual gearbox with a five speed automatic.
This is not looking good.
Then they set about the suspension and steering adding some Lenor fabric softener.
So the whole car should then be as kind to your hands as Nanette Newman in a pashmina.
It all sounds terribly weird.
But! There was some method in their madness.
What they've tried to do is focus the Z8.
Forget the idea of it being a sports car or a muscle car.
They've tried to make it a pure West Coast cruising machine.
It's aimed at people who care more about underpants than understeer.
The sort of person who wants to dawdle along, top down with a burble from the exhaust and a Pete Cetera warble from the stereo.
Unfortunately it hasn't worked.
The exhaust doesn't burble, listen.
ENGINE GROWLS That's a shriek.
To drive, it feels like a coffee table.
The suspension's still far too hard and the steering's still too heavy.
It's a heffalump.
In fact, I have to be honest.
I am hard pressed to tell this car from the original.
Weird then that the price has gone up to £95,000.
One more thing.
There's only And Ronan Keating has bought one of them.
Just thought you ought to know.
TYRES SCREECH Alpina have done good things with BMWs for over 30 years.
But the Z8's like a delinquent kid.
Born bad and it'll always be bad.
We weren't going to take it on the track.
Only Ronan Keating would be interested.
The problem was the Stig.
He's been beside himself all day because his hero has been here - David Soul.
He wanted to show off, so we had to let him.
He's off the line.
Hardly any wheel spin.
David Soul won't be impressed.
Remember this has less HP than the standard Z8.
MUSIC: "Don't Give On Us" by David Soul LAUGHTER That's touching, isn't it? Stig's been stalking David all day long.
Woo! The Hammerhead, now.
Dab of the brakes, into the corner, running wide.
The tyres howl! EASY LISTENING MUSIC CONTINUES The Follow Through.
That was quick.
Touch of the brakes.
That's unusual.
Even the Stig is struggling.
Very unpredictable handling.
Into Gambon.
Sideways! Across the line! You saw how hard the Stig struggled there? Well, you won't believe the time he did it in.
One minute, 29 seconds.
Exactly the same as a Lamborghini Murcielago.
He is good, isn't he.
That Stig isthat was an incredible time.
David Soul is now leaving the premises to get away from the Stig.
SIREN BLARES LAUGHTER On that cardboard bombshell, it's the end.
Night.
Not too bad, eh?!
It's the most eagerly-awaited new car of the year.
So have we tested it? No.
That's exactly what they were expecting us to do.
Instead we've tested its sister car.
This - the Volkswagen Touareg.
Most big off-road cars aren't designed to do this.
The Porsche Cayenne is a road-going 911 on stilts.
A sort of Swiss Family Rocketship! Then there is the ultimate urban animal.
BMW's Fireball XL5.
The Touareg has locking differentials and skid plates, and a low-range gearbox so it keeps rolling when things get military.
Have a look at the tyres.
They may look like they belong on a motorway but the wheels have been stiffened to take whatever punishment is thrown at them.
Onwards.
The best thing about the Touareg is its engine.
You can have a 3.
2L V6 or a 4.
2L V8 and I'm sure they're jolly lovely.
I've gone for the diesel.
This isn't the onset of madness.
I haven't come over Bill Oddie-ish! This is no ordinary diesel engine.
It's huge.
A turbo-charged 5L V10.
That's fantastic! The figures it produces are no less vast.
It churns out If the world stops spinning and they need a car to get it started again - this is it! If you run a business specialising in removing enormous trees from inaccessible forests, plainly the V10 Touareg is ideal.
But what if you're an accountant? Or a heating engineer? Or a surgeon? Or you want something for the school run.
Well, let's find out.
It's quite fast - 140 miles an hour.
But there are some drawbacks.
The engine is a third of a ton heavier than the V6.
That means no more than 19 miles to the gallon.
Because you have a foundry under the bonnet, the handling isn't much cop.
It's like driving around on four flat tyres.
You keep adjusting the wheel just to go in a straight line.
Then there's the ride.
The suspension goes into sport mode.
That's like sitting on a machine separating small rocks from large.
So you go OK - I'll put it into comfort mode.
Then it rolls so much your children will vomit explosively and copiously down your shirt.
I took a Touareg to EuroDisney with the children recently.
I'd the choice of teeth out, or carrots down the shirt.
I went for the vomit.
That's how bad the sports suspension is.
There were a few other problems too.
The luggage cover rattled, the oil light kept coming on.
The stereo sounded like a 19th century gramophone.
And this is the view from the rear view mirror.
I could go on.
So I shall.
The gearbox works in geological time.
The styling is iffy.
The seat gave me backache.
The phone holder is an afterthought.
"Have we thought of everything? Agh! The phone! " It's there.
My phone fits - but it doesn't work.
The price is £50,000.
I'd rather EAT the money.
You do hear it said that there's no such thing as a bad car.
Clearly with the VW Toe-rag that's not the case! They still make them.
When I was a lad we'd get cars from Wartburgs and Polski-Fiats, British Leyland and other left-wing dictatorships.
But you do still get 'em.
Does anybody here own an Audi A2? That's a bad car.
They're not going to admit it.
It's made of beer tins and the windows are too small.
You can't open the bonnet.
If you put the wipers on, the car rocks.
That's right, but the worse thing is the price - £17,000! You could buy a car for that! What about the Hyundai Sonata? That's the same car as Kia Magentis.
Buy a Kia Magentis and for a £1,000 more you can have a Hyundai Sonata.
When I asked why they said, "You're paying for the name!" LAUGHTER Anybody here got any ideas of a bad car? Hold on a minute.
Daewoo.
Which one? A Lamos.
They ARE shocking.
The problem is we can't remember why they're shocking.
It didn't have any effect.
It just passes you by.
Anyone else? Hold on a minute.
Vauxhall VX 220.
Out! Come on! LAUGHTER Out! Right the way over here! The Vauxhall VX 220 is a fine car in every way.
Go on! Out! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sorry about that.
I've just driven a new Vauxhall VX220.
It's brilliant! Wonderful! No-one said a Vauxhall Vectra.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: It's a good car! He's come here in a turtleneck jumper with face hair! Why is it good? It'll do anything on the motorway if you're a rep.
I'm not a rep, are you? No.
Why the hell are you interested? What DO you drive? A TVR.
Has it ever broken down? Twice.
Why? Something they didn't tell me about.
The other time it was something else.
He's interested in his engine! LAUGHTER What I want you to do is to write down what you think is the worst car on sale today.
Can we have music? It won't take long.
Let's have a look.
That's amazing! What are the chances of that? We've all said the same! The rules of sports car building are simple.
It must look good both outside and inside.
It must ride and handle well.
How does the Lexus SC430 do? It's none of those things which is an achievement cos most cars would manage to get two out of four right.
I mean, just look at this wood! That is the car equivalent of a giant cabinet for your telly.
It's not as if they had a miserable Changing Rooms budget of £500.
They had bucket-loads of cash.
They still came up with a Mexican hacienda.
When it was first launched, the SC430 came with run flat tyres which of course are virtually solid.
Fred Flintstone had similar ones.
Believe me, it made for a hard ride.
Quite recently Lexus waved the white flag and replaced the tyres with ordinary ones to soften the suspension.
But not enough - not by a long way.
It's not hard and communicative enough for a sporty chassis nor comfy enough to be a cruiser.
It's a dreadful compromise.
It's horrible.
I don't like driving it at all.
The engine people did well.
It IS a good engine and so is the stereo.
Once you've waited for the gates to open! The roof could have been good too.
Look at that! One minute it's got a roof, the next it hasn't.
Brilliant! Hasn't got a boot now.
It's full of roof.
Utterly, utterly useless! Mind you, they are leather.
There's a label.
I suspect it will be left on.
Lexus can and do make good cars.
But when they came to make a sports coupe it all went wrong.
They didn't follow the simple rules which is a shame.
If you do, anybody can make a good sports car.
Even Hyundai, whose pedigree isn't exactly Lotus.
When they started making cars, their background was in trains, really heavy industrial stuff.
It's like JCB saying, "Our diggers are good, so let's try a car.
" Not all is out of the top drawer.
Look at the interior! I'm sure it will last, but it has a whiff of the Amstrad.
Unlike the Lexus, that's where the moaning stops.
Just look at it! There have been moans that it cribs the looks of the Ferrari 456.
Sorry? You can buy a £18,500 coupe that looks like a Ferrari.
That's a bad thing, is it? Right.
Then, there's the chassis.
The Lexus feels flabby and charmless but this feels sharp.
It's egging me on to go quicker.
This is a good drive, and I don't mean just for £18,500.
It's just a good drive.
Fact.
It's not massively powerful.
This is the top spec 2.
7L V6, with only 165bhp.
What it has is a six-speed gearbox, which makes the most of that 165bhp.
It makes up for it.
It sounds nice - I like this car.
In fact, for £18,500, this is a proper charmer.
The Lexus looks like a fat £50,000 folly.
This is the new Citroen C2.
Talk about knowing your market.
Citroen has already fitted big flared wheel arches so you can get 16" rims under them.
I like it.
You like it? Yes! You don't, do you? I do.
I don't like that ready modified look.
It should be one or the other.
You live in Gloucestershire.
I do! IN WEST COUNTRy ACCENT: If it's not Massey Ferguson, you don't like it.
Not sturdy, and no power take-off.
Can I do one now? Porsche has a race championship called the Porsche Carrera Cup of Great Britain.
They're producing a road version of the car competing in that - the 911 GT3.
They've done GT3s before.
This is the new one.
It's stunning, and it's not just the looks.
It's 381bhp.
It costs £72,000, but it's racetrack technology.
I get confused with 911s.
Is that turbo? No, it's normally aspirated.
The GT2's a turbo and the turbo's a turbo, obviously.
Yes.
Why's a GT2 not a turbo? It is.
Why's it CALLED a GT2, not a turbo? Because the turbo's the turbo.
You couldn't See? Does anyone understand the 911 range? No? Boredom.
They've made the same car for 100 years, and all they think of is, "We'll have GT2, GT3, turbo, GT2, GT1 " Must be fun going into the dealer and asking for one - Iike ordering breakfast in America.
"I just want eggs!" "Just give me a Porsche!" If you're feeling even more wealthy, for £330,000, another Porsche racer, the Carrera GT.
We've waited for this since it was at the Paris Motor Show in 2000.
Glorious.
Stunning.
Look at this! Look at this! Aah! V10 How much? £330,000.
AUDIENCE GASPS What?! You should do that - "Oooh!" This doesn't happen often, a new Bristol - the Fighter.
It's the Mk II, as the first was a biplane launched in 1916.
This is more promising.
It's a two door gullwing supercar, costing £230,000.
V10 engine, 525bhp.
The same engine as a Dodge Viper? Essentially, but it has more power in the Bristol.
Why? Dunno.
Mahogany crank shaft?! LAUGHTER I loved Bristols when I was a kid LAUGHTER No, they got confused, James.
You loved Bristols as a child? I loved bristols, then I found cars.
I fancied the idea of a Bristol.
I live 1.
5 miles from the Bristol showroom in South Kensington.
It's the only one, so I thought I'd go and drive a Bristol.
They wouldn't let me in, because I know you! The problem is, I once drove a Bristol.
All I said in the road test was that the glove box handle Iooked like a 1940s telephone flex, a Herriot thing.
That was it.
"You're banned, you'll never drive another Bristol.
" Not devastating - "I'll use the SL.
" On the phone, they used to say, "May I help you? " Now it's, "Do you know Jeremy? " Say yes, you get a Bakelite click.
Excellent news on insider dealing.
We, the British car-buying public, have the British car dealer over a barrel.
Oh, good! Last year was a record year in the UK for car sales.
Yeah.
This year isn't - war, recession and the rest.
They can't turn it around very quickly.
They were geared up for huge demand, so they've got too many cars.
They're relying on preregistration.
To keep their figures looking good, manufacturers and importers will sell a car to themselves and put it on the forecourt as an ex-demonstrator.
These cars are new.
They've done a few miles, but technically, they're second-hand.
What does this do to prices? I found a Ford Focus TDCi, a great car, £14,995 list, for £10,995.
A sizeable amount! Fantastic deal! It's only had a numberplate put on.
It IS a new car.
New, with a numberplate.
Sports cars - you'd expect us to say, "It's almost summer, "don't buy a sports car.
"Everyone wants one, prices go up.
" Here's a tip - it's not true.
It's over supply.
Let's take the MX5.
Loads have come over from Japan.
They couldn't say, "Send them back to Japan.
" They're piled up in a car supermarket in Manchester.
The 1.
8iS is the best engine, suspension and nicest alloy wheels.
The Mazda MX5 is the best two-seater.
It's the one I'd have.
I've found it with £3,525 off, which makes it £14,500, which is less than you'd pay for the basic 1.
6.
That's a bargain! Ever found £1 down the sofa? Yes, I have.
You can't get much for £1 today.
No.
You can't get half a bitter.
No.
But you can buy a car.
You can go into a Kia dealership with £1 and drive away in a Rio.
I presume there's more to pay after that.
Yes.
It's a five-year deal, about £120.
30 a month.
At the end, there's £50 payment to secure the car as yours.
Obviously, that's an APR of 8.
1%.
You can go out with a pound .
.
and come back with a car! You can't do that in the toy shop near me.
That's true! You can get a Kia! A real one! Which country makes the fastest supercar? What do we have in the supercar line-up? From Germany, the Porsche 911.
From Japan, the Honda NSX.
From the USA, and the closest thing they make to a sports car, the Chevrolet Corvette.
From France, the only supercar they build, the Venturi Atlantique.
And from Italy, what else but the gorgeous Ferrari 360? And finally, the UK representative, our tatty, Top Gear Jag.
This, remember, is the same Jag we bought last series for pennies and stripped down to see if we could make it go any faster.
It's worthless, so, this should be good! ENGINES REV And perhaps rather predictably, the Jag embarrasses itself.
Oh, dear! What was the result? Porsche first, Ferrari second, Honda third.
The Jaguar was rubbish! Yes! It took 18.
5 seconds to do the standing quarter-mile.
Poor! Put a German engine in it.
No, that's what they'd expect us to do.
We've got a secret weapon.
We'll try again later.
Right! What are you doing? Putting this on to honour our guest tonight.
In the history of American cop shows, this man has had his bottom chewed by an angry black police captain more than anyone else.
From Starsky and Hutch, David Soul! Hello! Hello.
Have a seat.
Ah! I remember that from somewhere.
You didn't wear the cardies, did you? You're trying too hard with that! It's good! It's a sweater! It's a cardigan! It does up.
You were bomber jacket man.
They dressed me in leather.
Really? Yeah.
Cool, compared to Michael Glaser.
Actually, the way we set trends We didn't know we were setting a trend.
We fought - he's got a blue shirt, I want one.
You lost.
He got the cardigan Yes, cardigan and a pair of jeans.
He got the Torino, you got a bomber jacket.
What was your car? A Ford Fairlane.
Rubbish! Actually, on a flat out straight, my car outdid the red tomato.
Really? Yeah.
That's what I called it.
Did you have any idea when you filmed, how much of an impact that car had? I grew up in Yorkshire.
Everybody had a white stripe on their car! Everybody thought they were Starsky and Hutch! No, that's very true.
It was probably next to It was probably the star of the show.
We won't have that! YOU were the stars.
I just wanted to hear you say that! Were you aware of the impact you had? The car? The show.
You were aware? Little by little.
You're shut away in the studio for the first year.
You don't see folks.
You're working 18 hours a day.
Slowly, the popularity spread.
The first year, it didn't do too well.
The second year, it took off.
Mmm.
Cops loved it.
On that show, I didn't get a ticket! Really? Where was it filmed? Los Angeles.
I drove down the Ventura Freeway at 110mph.
I saw the light behind me.
"Oh! Here it comes.
" The guy pulled up next to me.
He'd recognise me in the car and he'd go I get that.
You know? I get, "I'm gonna write you a ticket.
" Now, I think you are our first American guest.
Why can't the Americans make cars? Why? The Mustang was a brief blip.
It's been 100 years of horror.
I had a Corvette and I loved it.
What did you like about that? I realised a dream in that car.
I went out to the desert with a girl I was with and we took clothes off.
Stark naked and the Mohabi desert is huge.
And there's nothing but a straight road and I floored that sucker and went 135mph stark naked in the middle of the desert.
LAUGHTER One of the things you wanna do Yes, in that list of things you want to do before you die.
Drive a 'Vette, naked across the desert But it wouldn't be a 'Vette.
A terrible car.
Well, I won't tell you what happened then! Yes, you will! LAUGHTER You're not here to relive the old days, you're here to drive our car around our track.
That's the idea.
That's the idea, absolutely.
We had the car especially decorated.
Anyone want to guess what we did?! Let's have a look at your lap.
Here we go.
You look a bit concentrate-y there.
The Stig tells me that you were a very, very good driver.
You were the first guest in with a shout of beating our current leader, Jay Kay, on 1.
48.
A bit violent with the gear box if I may just say.
Hold on Coming up What happened? All these people have driven our reasonably priced cars, without a single bit of trouble.
We get the first American on, and you broke it! You broke the gear box! But we have a back up Suzuki Liana, just in case, by some miracle, it went wrong.
We sent him out in that.
Let's have a look what happened.
Second car, coming along.
Into the next bend, still being violent with the gearbox.
And, into the second-to-last corner.
Last corner.
And LAUGHTER It's the second one you've broken.
You didn't have to bring that up! How to ruin a show quick, huh? Ask Soul to come on.
I can't believe this car! Ladies and gentlemen, he broke two of them! APPLAUSE I'm sorry to break this to you, but the clock was running on your first lap and you did set a time.
I'm going to write it up.
Now, bear in mind, the Stig took this guy out and I'm not kidding after what you've done to our precious car.
He said you were as good as JK and were up for beating him.
But you didn't.
In fact, you did one minute and 54 seconds, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING And that was coasting the last 300 yards.
Yes, you might have been up here.
But you're not.
We must save up and have you again.
David Soul! APPLAUSE Thank you.
Thank you.
What would you say to Perodua Kelisa? Bless you! Prod-dod-ula? No.
Per-og-ulja.
Per-rod-ula? No.
Per-rod-ua.
Produa! Prodja.
Near enough.
Prod proj produla.
A bacon sandwich.
And this is a car.
It isn't going to get much more complicated than that.
The Perodua Kelisa, Britain's cheapest new car.
It's yours from £5,000.
A bacon sarnie isn't dribbled with jus or served "on a bed of", and the Kelisa doesn't come with fatuous brand attributes or lifestyle marketing messages.
A basic meal and a basic car.
There was a time when Britain's cheapest motor was truly horrible.
Like a Lada.
This is promising.
It's made in Malaysia in a new factory rather than slung together by resentful communists.
It's got everything you'd expect.
An engine.
Small - three cylinders.
Seats.
Instruments.
The windows go up and down.
A boot.
It's built down.
The dashboard's shiny, but it's all there.
It's got airbags.
Britain's cheapest car used to be a polite way of saying "rubbish".
Not any more.
The Perodua is perfectly OK.
I wasn't expecting more and I wasn't expecting entertainment.
This whole car is full of "feel".
It's a simple thing - small tyres.
The engine has to be thrashed.
You get a sense that there's not much between you and the oily bits.
The real secret is that it's so light.
It's 150kg lighter than a Ford Ka.
That's like throwing two passengers out, it's lively.
I actually like it.
It's a laugh.
It's essence of driving, no garnish.
I might get letters for saying this, but it's the nearest thing I've driven to the original Mini.
OK, it's not a Ferrari, but James, I'm with you on this one.
I think it's great.
I love the little noises it makes.
That little three-cylinder engine and the clang when you slam the doors.
You weren't strictly honest.
That's not the five grand one, is it? No, I came over aspirational.
I got the GX with electric windows and two tone upholstery.
It's £5,800.
That's still fantastic.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's made in a jungle clearing by someone who went to work on an ox! I think you're missing the point.
That's why I'm siding with him.
That's a cracker of a car.
I can't be bothered to argue.
It may be nice to drive, but I'm going to do an experiment.
I've got the keys.
OK, you.
Right? How do I say it? Perodua.
Perodua.
Watch this.
Perodua Kelisa.
Nothing.
Absolutely no response.
It ain't perfect, but it's good.
However.
You might be more interested - and I'm not being sexist - in what I'll do now.
I'm going to make a pair of trousers.
I've got everything I need.
Material, a zip.
I've got a Phaff Cutting edge.
I'll show you the controls.
That's the traction control.
There's my throttle.
All we have to do - I've already started - the strides here.
Lift up the foot.
Slide it in.
This is not a joke, OK? I know how to drive it.
My mother had a soft toy factory.
I could sew before I could ride a bike! And I can cook.
It's what makes me so attractive with women.
LAUGHTER Why are they laughing again? Anyway, here we go.
I've got the foot lever down.
A simple seam.
No overlocking.
Oh, my God! This may take a little while.
We'll do something else and come back later for a trouser update.
LAUGHTER Right.
Earlier our glorious Jaguar XJS was battered by the might of the world's supercars in a straight line fight.
But we're not going to leave it at that.
We're having another go.
But this time the Jag has got a trick up its trousers.
The Top Gear warhorse will take on the best the world has to offer.
How are we gonna do that? We'll cheat.
With the help of the wizards of NOS.
NOS is Nitrous Oxide System.
The guys who fit it are the wizards.
How much difference will this make? The system can deliver up to 500Hp extra.
Over and above? That's right.
Just simply, how does it work? We feed nitrous oxide into the engine.
We mix that with extra fuel.
The combination of the two burns in the engine and produces more power.
And if the percentages are wrong? Too much fuel and it'll reduce power.
Too much nitrous could melt something.
Like the engine? Yes.
So you'll probably break our car.
And there they are - £500,000 of super cars against a £200 Jag - albeit with a few hundred quid of nitrous added.
I just hope it makes it to the start line.
For this run the nitrous will give our old heap an extra 200Hp - a total of 500.
Will it be enough? And will it hold together? Oh, yes.
Straight away you can see the difference! It's passed the Venturi, the Corvett, the Honda, the Ferrari 360.
But the question is, can it hold off that mighty Porsche 911 Turbo? Yes! It can! APPLAUSE Ah! Fantastic.
There's life in the old warhorse yet.
A £250 Jag, £500 worth of nitrous and it does a quarter in 13 seconds.
That's faster than a Porsche 911 Turbo and a Ferrari 360.
Now for some more trouser action.
Thanks, Richard.
I have good news.
My trousers are finished.
I've got a member of the production team to model them for me.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I don't know how that happened.
I had the material, I had the zip.
I just made a complete hash of it.
That's exactly what happened with the BMW Z8.
BMW had the best brains in the business.
They had an M5 engine, a trick rear axle, they even got Bond to drive one.
It should've been spectacularly good.
But that's what they expected.
It turned out to be awful.
Let me show you what it was like to drive.
LAUGHTER Ah, yes.
Exactly what a Z8 is like to drive.
There's a sense of "Ooh! What will happen next?! " The problem was, they didn't know what they wanted the Z8 to be - sports car, muscle car, cruiser.
And it's ended up as a sort of browny green mush of all three.
Happily, BMW recently announced that they will stop making it.
But, before it goes to the dusty vaults of history, a German company has had one last attempt to get it right.
This is the Alpina Z8.
You can tell it's an Alpina because of its huge wheels and tyres and because it says Alpina on the back.
They've made merry with the blue suede and the equally blue dials.
This looks just as good as the original and it's just as left-hand drive, but does it go any better? TYRES SCREECH After much careful deliberation, the simple answer is no.
And that's the problem.
Hold your camera! He can't hold his camera because you correct the slide then the whole body weight is hurled the other way - you get a pendulum effect.
It ain't no sports car.
That's for sure.
Getting it round a corner is like getting a wardrobe up a fire escape.
It's very hard work.
And it's hard to see where you're going.
Dearie me.
It really doesn't like this sort of treatment.
If Alpina haven't made it handle any better, what have they done? Well, the first thing they did was take out the 5L engine and replace it with their own 4.
8.
Smaller engine - less power.
This must be the first ever tuned car that's slower than the original.
They replaced the six speed manual gearbox with a five speed automatic.
This is not looking good.
Then they set about the suspension and steering adding some Lenor fabric softener.
So the whole car should then be as kind to your hands as Nanette Newman in a pashmina.
It all sounds terribly weird.
But! There was some method in their madness.
What they've tried to do is focus the Z8.
Forget the idea of it being a sports car or a muscle car.
They've tried to make it a pure West Coast cruising machine.
It's aimed at people who care more about underpants than understeer.
The sort of person who wants to dawdle along, top down with a burble from the exhaust and a Pete Cetera warble from the stereo.
Unfortunately it hasn't worked.
The exhaust doesn't burble, listen.
ENGINE GROWLS That's a shriek.
To drive, it feels like a coffee table.
The suspension's still far too hard and the steering's still too heavy.
It's a heffalump.
In fact, I have to be honest.
I am hard pressed to tell this car from the original.
Weird then that the price has gone up to £95,000.
One more thing.
There's only And Ronan Keating has bought one of them.
Just thought you ought to know.
TYRES SCREECH Alpina have done good things with BMWs for over 30 years.
But the Z8's like a delinquent kid.
Born bad and it'll always be bad.
We weren't going to take it on the track.
Only Ronan Keating would be interested.
The problem was the Stig.
He's been beside himself all day because his hero has been here - David Soul.
He wanted to show off, so we had to let him.
He's off the line.
Hardly any wheel spin.
David Soul won't be impressed.
Remember this has less HP than the standard Z8.
MUSIC: "Don't Give On Us" by David Soul LAUGHTER That's touching, isn't it? Stig's been stalking David all day long.
Woo! The Hammerhead, now.
Dab of the brakes, into the corner, running wide.
The tyres howl! EASY LISTENING MUSIC CONTINUES The Follow Through.
That was quick.
Touch of the brakes.
That's unusual.
Even the Stig is struggling.
Very unpredictable handling.
Into Gambon.
Sideways! Across the line! You saw how hard the Stig struggled there? Well, you won't believe the time he did it in.
One minute, 29 seconds.
Exactly the same as a Lamborghini Murcielago.
He is good, isn't he.
That Stig isthat was an incredible time.
David Soul is now leaving the premises to get away from the Stig.
SIREN BLARES LAUGHTER On that cardboard bombshell, it's the end.
Night.
Not too bad, eh?!