Transparent (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - To Sardines and Back

Ali, he's going in my room.
- Josh, that's not fair.
- Guys, we can rotate.
Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Very good plan.
That's very good.
Shelly, oh, Shelly, I love you.
You are not naming that turtle Shelly.
I think it's a great name for a turtle.
Huh? So "Shelly.
" I mean, there's none more Shelly than one who lives in a shell.
Guys, Nacho is his name.
Mom! Dad! Someone kidnapped Nacho! Nancy Kerrigan's coaching staff is calling for Tonya Harding's withdrawal from the U.
Olympic team.
How important is it to win a gold medal you're gonna break this girl's kneecaps? You never know the whole story.
I still don't feel anything, Sarah.
Uh, come here.
Suck it in.
Hold it.
Oh, shit, I forgot to cover the carb.
Is it all the way in, Rita? Yeah, Josh, it's in.
Oh, my God.
You married him.
I did when I was 4 years old.
We had a ceremony.
I'll never be happy again.
JOSH, ALI: Would you help me place this call? So this week I'm having my students take two pieces and try to find similarities between them, so we're doing Eileen Myles' "Chelsea Girls" and Ntozake Shange's For Colored Girls.
Uh, The Rainbow, Enuf, Suicide Isn't Enuf, Isn't Enuf.
Yeah, it Is Enuf.
I I It's When the Rainbow Isn't Enuf.
Well, the title is When the Rainbow Is Enuf.
We can argue about whether it is or isn't enough, uh, but the title is Is Enuf.
So, you flossing? Well, I mean, is that going to mean it's going to hurt? - I'm a little anxious.
- Really? Do you want some gas, a little bit of gas? You mean like nitrous? - Mm-hmm.
- For a cleaning? Just a little bit, take the edge off.
Katrinka, will you bring the blanket and headphones in, please? We're going to get some nitrous here.
There's a blanket? It's a blanket and headphones.
- Hi, doctor.
- Hello.
- How are you? - Hi, Katrinka.
I brought you music.
Best medicine in the world.
You just relax back, okay? Just like that.
There you go.
I'll take you back.
Coming over your head.
So do me a favor.
Breathe in through your nose.
Is there anybody out there? And out through your nose.
Are you good? You're good.
Welcome back.
Welcome back.
Let's take a moment to get to know our contestants, starting off with Caitlyn Jenner.
Well, I'm a much televised parent of ten children.
Let's walk right over to Miss Ntozake Shange and Ali Ali Pfefferman.
I'm just here to have my teeth cleaned.
Bill, what have we got? - Come on, get a - There you go.
Good job.
A J, Dr.
Gunderson, a J.
Hi, Ali.
Ali, please.
Ali, open wide.
Oh! Sorry about that.
I'd like to solve the puzzle.
I would like to solve the puzzle.
"God is a woman.
" - Ali? - Ali, say ah.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Take a break.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Just relax.
It's okay.
You're doing great.
You're doing great.
All right, look, all I mean to say is that I found this report very hard to read.
Do you understand? but I would prefer Helvetica.
I definitely prefer columns as opposed to bullet points.
The thing that I like about bullet points Did you see? I used Roman numerals.
Hold on.
Hold on.
We'll work that out later.
Moving on now.
We're going to go to our next topic: new board members.
- Okay, that's fine.
- Let it be noted we're about to vote on potential new members Claire Strausskleiner, Hyman Glook, - and Sarah Pfefferman.
- Duly noted.
Let's start with Ms.
All those in favor? Uh, can we just take a minute? I'm having a feeling about Sarah Pfefferman.
- What's the problem? - Well, okay.
She's got a really dark energy.
- A real dark energy.
- I'm so sorry.
I Can you Could you clarify "dark energy"? I'm not sure what that means.
It's like dark energy that comes out in anger and in sexual ways.
- I - I mean, come on.
She is going around celebrating divorce.
I'm not sure what this has to do with I think we're wandering into an area It's none of our business.
that it's okay, number 1, to live under the roof of the someone that I made a vow with but I don't follow the vow now.
Now I can go, and I can sleep with other people.
I can do things with other people.
And I can tell people about it? - I agree.
- Yeah, it's true.
And that, let me tell you, is contagious.
- Oh, come on.
- I don't recall us ever evaluating a potential board member based on their their personal life.
Right? I mean, Buzzy, do you have anything - that you would like to say - See what I mean? on Sarah Pfefferman's behalf? With all due respect, I think you are too close to this situation, and you should recuse yourself.
- I agree.
- Just to keep it clean.
- That makes sense to me.
- Okay.
So why don't we just take a vote? - Well - Everybody who's in favor of Sarah Pfefferman being on the board, raise your hand and say "Aye.
" Mm-hmm.
One more little finishing touch here.
- Yeah.
- That's a lot of hair.
This clip-in bang, it gives you something to play with.
Oh, finally.
A bang I can play with.
- Hmm.
- Vic? Who the fuck are you? Uh, Sarah? Rabbi Raquel! - Are you in the kitchen? - Oh, my God.
Get in here.
I'm dying to hear.
Am I, like, the hottest shit that that temple has ever seen? Uh, oh, I mean Tell me, tell me.
Uh, yeah, it was good.
- It was really good.
- Do you want tea? - I'm making tea.
- No, that's okay.
- Oh, come on.
Have some with me.
- Okay.
- It's good for the tummy.
- Yes.
Okay, tell me.
Tell me, tell me, tell me.
Sarah, um, okay.
I didn't go go our way, I guess.
- Just - What? What do you mean? Well, Sarah y-you have an enemy at Mid-city.
I mean, I've never seen anything like it - What are you talking about? - She poisoned the board.
Who? It's not ethical for me to tell you.
Laura Milton-Kaufberger.
What did she say? Sarah What did she say? Oh.
What she said is that you have a dark energy.
- I have a dark energy? - I am so sorry.
Doesn't matter.
Let's let it go.
Resting Bitchface said I have a dark energy? Sarah, let's move on.
What was the vote? That has no bearing on this.
- 4-3? - Honey, you don't need any of these people to have access to your spirituality.
- 5-2.
- This is about your relationship to you.
All you have to do is create a space - 6-1? - inside yourself - that has nothing to do - 6-1.
with any board, any temple.
This is This is all just noise.
Buzzy didn't vote for me? The important thing is Nobody voted for me? Nobody voted for me.
It was It was unanimous? Didn't you at least vote for me? I'm I'm on the I'm on the staff, so I'm not I'm not allowed to vote.
She's a cunt.
- An anorexic cunt.
- Okay.
Hi, Jim Croce.
What's up? Um, I found this thing, and it's, like, kind of a mess.
- Uh - Sounds good.
So I was just kind of, like, you know, fixing it up.
Sounds great, but it's Moppa's birthday party, so will you come help me set the table? - Because we are T-minus some - Okay.
- Okay? - How was the dentist? I have, uh, 700 cavities.
Hello, beautiful people! - Hi.
- Hi.
What's up? Wow.
Hello, Buzz.
- Wow.
- There you go.
Look at this place.
- Hey, kiddies - You guys look hot.
we need a place to put our leathers.
Oh, yeah.
Hello, delicious.
- Just give me your leathers.
- All right.
- Are those chaps? - Everything.
- He's wearing chaps? - Yes, he's wearing chaps.
You guys need a mud room for sporty people in your family who arrive with gear.
We are not a people of the gear.
We are now.
I'm a real California girl.
- Let me kiss you.
- All right.
I can handle it.
- You sure? - Yeah.
I want to be part of your tribe.
Try swarm.
You know, I'm fine with that, too.
Hey, um, you got something in your dress? Like what? Like an ass.
Must have been something they put in the shapewear that I bought.
- Oh.
- You like it? Yeah.
Oh, the birthday girl is here.
Birthday girl is here.
Birthday girl present.
How are you doing? - Hi.
- Oh, my God.
It looks beautiful.
How are you? Doesn't she look fantastic? Wow.
- People are steppin' it up.
- Fantastic.
- Oh, my.
- Wow, look at you.
Is this a birthday makeover? It's an everything makeover.
- You look beautiful.
- As do you.
You're so skinny-Winnie.
Look at you.
We have the exact same haircut.
No, I don't think so.
Well No? Well, here.
Let me get - Hey, Shel.
- Hi, darling.
Real quick.
Just real quick.
Just you and me.
We got it.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- Hey, Len.
Let's go, guys.
Birthday, birthday.
Thank you.
- This is for you.
- Hi.
- Hey, Len.
- Hiya, Sarah.
All right, all right.
I'm sorry I spoke.
Never mind.
- Dame Helen Mirren.
- Excuse me.
- Come on in.
- Okay.
Oh, that's really like - There's cheese.
- Oh, goodness gracious.
- Hey, Ali.
- Look at this.
Look at how much cheese there is.
- Um, who's that? - Hey, babe, smell.
That's Shea, Moppa's friend.
You never met her? - Oh, definitely not.
- She's great.
Go look at this.
This is the real Why is the kitchen always the most crowded place at the party? You looking for anybody in a party, check the kitchen.
The kitchen is the heart of the home.
Babe, you should write that down for the show.
- No, no, no.
I have to try to - What show? post the photo between me and Maura on Twitter.
Hold it, hold it.
Hello? Yes? Do not post my picture on that machine because there'll be ex-students who'll be Twitting about me.
Thank you.
You have nothing to worry about privacy-wise, Maura.
I don't post under my real name.
I don't need burglars and rapists knowing where I am.
You live in a gated community, Mom.
Well, haven't you heard of inside jobs? That is such a good point.
Oh, oh, oh.
I have 13 followers.
Who here is on social? Hmm? Show of hands.
Come on.
Oh, see? Now you can follow me.
Who here wants to know my social media name? Wait for it.
I'm dying.
It's To Shel And Back.
- Ha ha! - I get it.
It's like "To hell and back.
" Yes.
I, too, have transitioned.
I'm coming out.
I'm reaching out.
I'm a brand.
Does anybody want some orzo? There's, like, 15 tons of orzo.
There's a lot of orzo.
Hey, no towel whipping.
Did you raise all the kids here? It's such an amazing property.
- Yeah.
- Isn't it nice? - Isn't it lovely? - It's beautiful.
This is the living room.
They just I don't Is the dining room Is this permanent? It's just been in this iteration for the last day because of this party, but Did you say "in this iteration"? Yeah, we're playing around with the space.
We're rejiggering.
- Rejiggering? - We're doing a lot of stuff.
Sarah, Sarah, I just want to apologize for what happened at the temple.
Buzzy, it's fine.
I'm fine, actually.
I'm fine.
- Are you? - Yeah, I'm totally fine.
- Are you? - Yeah.
I'm fine.
What? What's going on? What are you talking about? You guys judging me? That is absurd.
No one's judging you.
No, I mean, there was a vote at I was trying to get on the board.
You didn't get on? No, I did not.
I'm persona Au gratin.
Wait a minute.
You wouldn't have helped? I had to recuse myself.
What do you mean, recuse? Recuse? I didn't vote because of my relationship with you and Sarah.
Oh, this is bullshit.
Cut him some slack.
- Excuse me.
- No, no, no.
He's a macher at the temple, and he could have done something, and he didn't do it.
I'm really disappointed.
I'd like to propose a toast.
As I look at this, uh, table in this in this room that I I don't remember having such high ceilings and goyische lights.
I just am so moved, and I am so grateful to be celebrating my 70th birthday with my family and my chosen family.
- L'chaim.
- L'chaim.
Happy birthday.
I guess that would make us the not-chosen family.
- No.
- Hold on.
Let me just look a little.
- No, you can't look at all.
- Let me read it.
Literally, this is the worst sermon I have ever written.
Please, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Respectfully - I'm hiding No.
- Come on.
- I'm putting this somewhere.
I'm going to pretend that this never happened.
I'll put it right under here.
Okay? Come on.
Look, you're a great writer.
You're one of my one of my favorite writers.
I'm not No, you think You think I'm joking.
I have been working so hard on this thing, and I'm telling you, nothing's nothing's sticking.
It's so bad.
It's nothing I believe in.
What, the Passover stuff? Yeah, Passover stuff, the G you know, the God stuff.
So I mean, do you feel it? The presence of the divine? Do you feel it all the time? Remember the four words.
Uh Yes, Rebbe.
Picture them out in the world.
I picture love, justice, truth, beauty.
I remember them, and it's physical.
I remember them around me, and I picture them wrapping me up like a - Okay.
- like a garment that I try on.
I feel a little rush, and, you know, you get sort of a tingle on the back of your neck.
Sometimes that's all God is is that the feeling, and from that place, I feel like I can love.
I had a miscarriage.
Then I didn't know, uh I didn't ex-expect it to gut me like it did.
Because it g it gutted me.
And now I think I'm really depressed.
Make a wish, Cha-cha! - 70-year-old lungs.
- What did you wish? Well, one of the things I wished for was, uh, that you guys don't call me Moppa anymore.
- Really? - Why? You don't like that name? I thought you liked that name.
I did.
I just want to move away from Flopsy, Mopsy, huggable - Yeah.
- Like a Muppet.
What do you want us to call you? - How about Guh-guh? - Ugh.
That's more muppety than Moppa.
It's too close to mine.
I'm Gigi.
What about Mimi? What about Nana? I don't like Nana.
Can we call you Grammie? Hold on.
Not Grammie.
- Grandma? - Grandma.
See? - G-R-A-N-D-M-A? - Yes.
Well done.
And, uh, maybe you guys want to call me, I don't know, Mom.
Mom? Ha ha! Get a load of this.
- Mm, okay.
- Why not? Well, I mean were you there when Sarie got her period? Hmm? Did you slap her across the face like a good Jewish mother? Were you Th Did you show her how to put her tampon in? - Mom, the kids are here.
- Please, Mom.
- I've seen her tampons.
- Oh, please.
You know what? While we're at it, I've been on the internet.
I've been, uh, Googling the, uh, best doctors in Los Angeles, and there's something, um I think I would like to start, um transitioning medically.
- Hmm? - Wow.
It's something I want to do.
You understand what I'm saying? - Yeah.
- I'm saying surgery.
What kind of surgery? Face, breasts, vagina.
- Oh.
- Wow.
Okay, do you guys want to go play hide and seek? - You guys want to go outside? - Yeah! Yeah! Sardines! Let's play sardines! - Fantastic.
- Sardines! Now! - When did you - That's right.
Do you know how to play sardines? That's amazing.
Isn't that amazing, Vicki? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
So, uh, tell us more about your sex change.
It's gender confirmation surgery, Shelly.
- You understand, Shelly? - Oh, yeah.
You okay? It's something I want to do.
And I would love your support, but if you can't, I totally understand, - but, uh - We got you.
We totally support you.
Of course we support you.
Right? We support you.
I'm gonna go help the kids look for some hiding places for their game.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks, Buzz.
Was that Latin? What did he say? I don't know what he said.
It means in Yiddish "Wear it in good health.
" - Wear it well.
- He will.
Uh, would anyone like coffee? Yeah.
I'll help you.
- Coffee? - We're with you, girl.
- Okay.
- We're with you.
Just give me a minute.
Len, what's the difference between hide and seek and sardines? Still working.
Instead of everyone hiding, one person looking, one person hides, and everyone else seeks.
You all right? Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Happy birthday.
Stakeout! Look out! - Get out of my yard! - Jesus Christ.
Jesus, Len.
- Daddy.
- Where'd they go? Where'd they go? Go! Go! Go! Go! Round 9.
Who's going to hide? - Me! - Me! - Me! All right, ready? Go! Come on.
I just don't want them to change her face.
I love her face.
I like her mouth.
Yeah, but it's not like she's a Beverly Hills housewife, you know? She just wants to feel beautiful.
I think I'm okay with the face.
Just the idea of Dad's pussy.
Dad's pussy.
Dad's pussy.
Where's Mom hiding? Shh, shh.
I hear Munchkins.
This is a great spot.
I'm not playing.
I'm not playing.
Come on.
Your family's the best, I love your family.
I mean, they're crazy, but I love them.
You okay? Yeah.
Will you put your arm around me? - You're good? - Yeah.
Can I just ask you something? I just I just want to just want to know her What's her name? I like how you wait till we're trapped together to ask me this shit.
You don't know her.
I don't know her? Her name's Una.
Una? Una? Wait a second.
Una is Wait.
The spin instructor Una? Come here.
Back this way.
- This way.
- Kids, this way.
I mean, honestly, does it really matter how I feel? I mean, it's like she's got to do her.
Yeah, she does.
I'm proud of her.
Me, too.
You know? It's not easy.
So you guys Mm-hmm.
Used to be roommates? Yeah.
I finally have my own spot.
It's good.
I switched out my job.
The money's a little better, so you know.
What? Uh, where where where are you working now? Silver Reign.
Silver Reign Silver Reign? Silver Reign Silver Reign.
You You strip? No.
Actually, I'm the Silver Reign IT person.
Shut the fuck up.
Oh, sweetie, I'm not playing.
Do you want to go? Why would you wait to speak before an audience of all these people about your surgery? - They're my family.
I mean - I mean of course I'm going to talk to them.
It didn't occur to you to talk to me about this first? - What's going on? - I'd just like to know what it is about you that needs an audience for this kind of thing, why you can't say to me It's my family.
at home before we leave, in the car on the way up here Oh, by the way, honey, I'm thinking about this.
I did not know I was going to say it until I said it.
I'll tell you what.
Let's go home because this is stupid.
I'm ready.
- Oh, sorry.
Not playing? - Come on in.
- Sorry.
- Shh.
Come on in.
Come on, come on.
Come on, come on.
- Shh.
- Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Okay, everybody here? Yeah.
Now turn off the lights.
Those fuckers at the temple.
Do you remember how I used to try out for everything and no one ever wanted me? I mean, I I I tried out for band.
I tried out for cheerleading.
I I tried out with that the thing with the Rhythmic gymnastics? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Why the fuck do I know that? Okay, first of all, people want you, and whatever, I'm alone.
- So what's the big deal? - Oh, really? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Who do you live with? What's going on upstairs? You're fucking baking cakes, okay? - That's not the same.
- It is.
You and Josh are like a married And he was mine, by the way.
You fucking stole him from me the second you were born.
He was mine.
That is Whatever.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- What? What? - There's something over there.
- Oh! - Aah! Oh, yeah! What is it? What is it? What is that? Holy shit.
Aah! Oh, God! Jesus Christ, it's alive.
It's alive.
It's Wait.
Is that a Is that a turtle? Wait.
Didn't we used to have a turtle? Who are we missing? - Ali.
- Sarah's not here.
- Shh, shh, shh.
- Let's just go.
- Aah! - Shh! - What's going on? - What is this? - What is that? - What is that? Look at it.
It's a turtle.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
It's It's Nacho.
That's awesome.
It was our pet when we were young.
It's 30 years old.
- Oh, my God.
- Mommy, can we take him home? Dude.
He's huge and ancient.
Oh, my Gosh.
Oh, my God.