Turbo FAST (2013) s02e12 Episode Script

1 # - Whoa! - Woo! # Those snails are fast - # Turbo - F-A-S-T # That's the team you'll never beat Turbo, he got super speed Whiplash, he jets to the lead Skidmark, propeller flow Chet's safe, he'll take it slow Smoove Move with them speakers, baby Burn burnin' that fire crazy White Shadow, big with no fear Now you know the team is here There they go, gone in a flash - # Those snails are fast - Turbo # - # Those snails are fast - Whoa! # - # Those snails are fast - Whoa! # Those snails are fast, fast, fast, fast, fast - # Turbo - Woo! # Lookin' good, my man.
And a hard workin' snail like you deserves some pampering.
Mmm-mmm.
Lavender lotion.
Ha! You make me feel so No! Not yet! You had so much left to give! Nooo! That was my last tube! They don't even make this brand anymore.
And none of the other ones give me that "sunny meadow in springtime" scent! Uh, Whip, are you screaming and sobbing in there? No, of course not.
I was watching a television program, about wrestling bears.
Now get outta my way, I got stuff to do! I know you got a gum guy and a hat guy and a cubic zirconium guy.
You don't happen to have a Lotion guy? Who wants to know? I do.
Smoove sent me.
Oh! Smoove's my main mollusk! What can I do ya for? I got any scent you desire.
Bacon? Lumberjack sweat? Used car smell? Lavender.
I just ran out of my favorite brand, and it's been discontinued in the States.
The one that gives that "sunny meadow in springtime" feeling? That's the one, baby.
Hm.
They've got something similar over in Bulgaria.
Swear, you wouldn't know the difference, and I bet I could get you a tube or two.
What's the catch, bug? Well, just so happens the Bulgarian lotion company is in need of a celebrity endorsement.
You're one of those famous FAST crew guys.
What do you say to doing a commercial? I don't really do endorsements.
Hey, how bad you want this lotion anyway? Don't worry, the commercial will be top quality.
Plus, it'll only be shown in rural Bulgaria.
No one will ever know, and you'll get all the lavender lotion you want.
Hey, Whiplash.
Check this out! We got a free preview weekend of the Bulgarian channel! Bulgarian channel? Milos, you leave yak in bathtub again? More of TV number one smash hit, Milos and Flavia, after these top quality commercials! Soft.
Gentle.
Delicate.
Silky.
Huggable.
Sensitive Side Lavender Lotion.
The lotion for sensitive souls.
You never saw this! Got it? We won't say a word! I'm sure no one in Turbo Town has heard of the Bulgarian Network.
Why don't we head down to the park.
It's time for the Junior Mollusk Racing Camp anyway, and yelling at little kids will make you forget all about this! Yeah.
Yeah.
You're right.
I do like striking fear in the hearts of children.
What are you snickering about? Oh, it better not be me! Is that supposed to be funny? You think a relaxing soak in the tub is funny? Geez.
Don't be so sensitive! Huh.
Maybe more people watch Milos and Flavia than I thought.
There he is, guys! Oh, hey! Get off of me! What are you doing? Aw, Mr.
Whiplash, we know you were just pretending to be scary this whole time! But you're just a big ol' softy, aren't you? See? I told you guys we were best friends! Hey, I thought I was your best friend, buddy! Well, you're like my racing hero best friend.
Whiplash is my sensitive best friend who I can share all my problems with.
And boy, do I have a lot of problems! You're about to have one more if you don't get off of me! All right, now.
Let's get to practice! Move! Get those tails on the track! Come on now.
Don't make me call your parents! He's so cute when he's mad.
Can we get ice cream after this? Will you be my new best friend who's also my dad? Uh Mmm.
I sense his weakness! Let's walk all over him! This is what I was afraid of! Now everyone knows that underneath this tough exterior, is a soft marshmallow-y center! They'll never respect my authority again! Come on, Whip.
Don't you think you're overreacting? He's so huggable! Okay, I see your point.
I'm gonna put a stop to this right now.
I ain't soft! Mm-mm.
I'm tough! And I'm gonna prove it, by fighting the toughest thing I can find.
Well, this escalated quickly.
Woo-hoo! Woo-woo-woo! If I beat this hardshell, everyone will know I'm tough and respect me again! But Whip Either get on board or get out of my corner, garden snail.
Can do! You're gonna knock him out! You're gonna Um, I don't really know much about professional fighting, but you're gonna be really good at it! Probably! All right, now.
You the snail.
Come on, baby! Welcome to today's prize fight, where we have the very respect of the community at stake! In this corner, introducing world-renowned lotion model, Whiplash! Oh, man! Why you gotta do me like that? And in the other corner, our defending world champ, the Rage of the Cage the Crustacean of Frustration, Brick Ironclaw! I must pinch you.
And there's the bell.
I gotta tell you, this is the kind of match I've been waiting my whole life to announce Ah! Sorry I'm late, folks, but I'm just in time to skip the boring stuff! Let me show you what Whiplash has got in store for ya! You are soft, like a marshmallow.
Looks like Whiplash is soft and mushy on the outside as well as on the inside.
Unlike Brick Ironclaw, who is hard as brick and as emotionless as iron.
It's almost as if this fight is a metaphor for something, I'm just not sure what that something is! That all you got? Whip, maybe you should rethink this.
Live to fight another day and someone who doesn't want to pinch you.
Uh-uh.
I can't back down! Then I really would be soft! Besides, my grandmama hits harder than this guy, and she doesn't even have arms! You insult me and your grandmother.
I will pinch you.
Hey! No! Ah! You're doing great out there, Whip! You're really showing him how to take a punch or kick.
Which, personally, I think shows perseverance and stamina and other, uh, stuff! I am terrible out there! I can't do this anymore.
I can't be someone I'm not.
Don't give up, Whiplash! There's still one round left! Who said anything about giving up? I'm just coming to terms with who I am: a soft, sensitive snail.
And I don't care who knows it! Lavender lotion me.
If I'm gonna lose this fight, I am gonna do it as myself.
Loud! Proud! And smelling like a summer breeze! Yeah, that's right! I use lavender lotion! Ain't nothing wrong with having a sensitive side! An unorthodox technique that will probably not help him at all in this fight.
All right, crab.
Let's get this over with already! I pinch you now.
Iron Pinch of Death! Was that it? Not very impressive if you ask me.
Right, Charlie? Am I a goner? Is it over? No! But now's your chance! You know what, Ironclaw? You're just like me! Hard on the outside, soft on the inside.
I ain't that soft.
That hurt.
Whiplash wins! The soft snail has defeated the hard crab! I'm sure that means something bigger in the scheme of things,­ but all I can think about right now is my strong desire to lube up with some of that lovely lavender lotion.
Mr.
Whiplash, I am owner of Sensitive Side Lavender Lotion.
You are big-time hit in Bulgaria! You will do another commercial, yes? One commercial was enough trouble, thank you very much.
You'll get free lifetime supply of our new lavender lotion.
Now with even more lavender.
Just because I'm tough doesn't mean my skin has to be! That's why I use Sensitive Side's new Lavender Extreme.
Now, I'm as soft as a baby duck in a cashmere sweater! New Sensitive Side Lavender Extreme.
- Because - everyone's got a sensitive side! How come nobody ever runs away from the light? It seems like abductions should be really easy to avoid.
You were saying? Sorry about the cheap dinner, Minnie.
Chet swore that water and salad counts as surf and turf.
What's the matter? Whoa! Hello? Guys? What happened? Aliens? Spontaneous vaporization? A rip in the fabric of space and/or time? Wait a sec No way.
Can it be SECRET? Yeah, I know.
It's a long name.
If SECRET has the crew, they're in big trouble.
Get 'em back? But how am I supposed to do that alone? Call the guys from CONSPIRACY Club? I don't know.
They're all kinds of crazy.
And coming from me, that says a lot.
Fine, I'll email them.
I'm gonna regret this.
This meeting of the CONSPIRACY Club is now in session.
Roll call.
Mr.
Tinfoil, thanks for joining us.
Everyone please turn off your phones, cameras and camera-phones.
They're watching me.
That's gonna be tough, since Howie is literally phoning it in.
I'm happy to be here.
I took the liberty of hacking into your bank account and paying your gas bill for you, Melissa.
I don't have a bank account, Howie.
Or a gas bill.
And my name's not Melissa.
Oops.
And the ever-resourceful Gum Guy.
Thanks for all these non-perishable snacks.
Always happy to share, until the apocalypse hits.
Then you're on your own.
Terrific.
And finally, let's welcome our newest member, Jack A.
Lopez.
I'm not a Jackalope! How do we know you're not a Jackalope, or some sort of flying Ogopogo lake monster? Jack, no one said you Never mind, there's no time! Guys, I need your help.
Before we do anything, we must address our acronym.
Can we please settle on what CONSPIRACY stands for? I thought it was the Cabal of Nutcases, Schemers and Paranoiacs No, no, no, no, no! It's the Coalition of Naturally Suspicious Guys! The C definitely has to stand for Conspiracy You know what, forget it! I've got a seriously urgent problem here! Agreed! I found this green fur outside.
Are you hiding an Emerald Sasquatch, Skidmark? Jack, that's just grass and my team has been kidnapped! Kidnapped? Who took them? The same people that wear these! Airline pilots! It makes so much sense.
They watch us from the skies I'm taking about SECRET! SECRET's the most sinister organization in the world! Who knows what they could be doing to your friends? I know.
SECRET has a secret base in the underground canyons beneath the Grand Canyon.
Why, you ask? For the end of the world! Pause for effect.
SECRET is building a menagerie of every species on the planet.
Elephants, giraffes, both types of camels And yes even snails! Right now, your friends are being boxed up to await June 11, 2021, when an asteroid made of comets sends Earth the way of the dodo.
And why do I mention dodos? Because SECRET are dodos! Wow! That was a lot of props.
I like to be prepared for literally anything.
So you're a hoarder.
I'm a doomsday prepper.
There's a difference! Well, that was time-consuming.
But I've seen SECRET, they're dragonflies.
And they hunt cryptids.
I'm not a cryptid! I'm a normal jackrabbit! Whoa! Just breathe, man.
SECRET does go after cryptids, and there are way more cryptids than you think.
Well, sure, there's Nessie, Clamsquatch, DinoFlea, Skunkadactyl, MegaBear, Mana-T-Rex Just the tip of the iceberg.
SECRET tracks down anyone that sets off their Weirdo Alarm.
Weirdo alert! Weirdo alert! They travel in flying fishing trawlers, scooping up any cryptids they find.
And it doesn't take much to be a cryptid in SECRET's eyes.
A gorilla that's learned to walk upright and sell insurance door-to-door? Cryptid! A golden retriever that's won the silver medal in curling? Cryptid! Lactose intolerant dairy cow? Human in a bear costume? Both cryptids! Jackrabbit with huge antlers? What? That's not a thing.
Rabbits with antlers, crazy! When did I become the sane one? Look, I've seen SECRET agents before and And I assure you, Mr.
Mark, they have seen you.
And here we go again.
Cryptid hunters, doomsday preppers, call them what you will.
SECRET is, first and foremost, an elaborate network of spies.
Their primary outpost is located on the moon, behind the moon.
SECRET is all that remains of a once-great robot society that predates the robo-dinosaurs and the actual dinosaurs.
From their moon base, SECRET spies on the entire planet.
In fact Skid, do you have any moist towelettes? I'm running low.
Like this story isn't long enough without interruptions, Gum Guy! I believe that modern-day cameras are in fact robot eyes.
We must destroy it! It's seen us! Hey! Take it easy! I keep telling you, SECRET is run by dragonflies Hey, sorry, I was in the bathroom.
So what are we talking about? Ugh! SECRET, Howie! My friends have been kidnapped by SECRET! Oh! Oh, wow.
Yeah, we're not getting them back.
- He's right.
- Sorry, Skid.
Don't give up on me.
We've spent years tracking down conspiracies.
Now, we could uncover SECRET! It's the chance of a lifetime! A chance to see which one of you is actually right.
Also, we can get pizza.
- When you put it like that - Okay then! At least you can agree on pizza! I want anchovies! No anchovies.
They're sleeper agent fish spies from Atlantis! Why do you care anyway, Howie? You're not even here! Hey, I want carrots! Because I'm a normal rabbit! Is this what talking to me is like? Guys, we've got the skills to actually pull this off.
We've obsessed over conspiracies until our eyes have bled.
You can't do that without learning a thing or two along the way Gum Guy, what are you doing? Hmm? Oh.
Continue.
As I was trying to say, you each bring something to the table.
Right now you're four different pizzas, when you need to be four halves of the same pizza.
Where's Mr.
Tinfoil? Howie's robot looked at him, so he's hiding in the closet.
- Get out here, Mr.
Tinfoil.
- Not until the robot stops watching me! Give me a break.
Howie, tell your robot to turn his head.
Howie? Howie! I'm here! I'm here! Sorry, I was having a chat room fight.
Some guy said honeydew melon was better than cantaloupe! Who said jackalope? I'm not a jackalope! That's it! I give up! I've tried to be calm and levelheaded, which I hate, but nothing's working.
How can we save the F.
A.
S.
T.
crew if we can't even agree on pizza? Forget it.
I'll figure out how to rescue my friends myself! I'm going home! I'm going somewhere else in my home! Skidmark? You okay? We thought about what you said, and we finally agreed on a pizza.
Like you said, we're four halves of the same pizza.
And there in the center, that's you, the little plastic thingy.
You keep us together and keep our cheese from sticking to the top of the box.
We're still working on the metaphor.
We can finish it after we rescue your friends.
Okay.
Here's the plan.
Howie, can you hack into SECRET's company blog? On it! "Today's lunch, steak with SECRET secret sauce.
" That's it! Gum Guy, we need disguises.
Can you get us some sunglasses and a couple of suits? What size? Wow! You really are ready for anything.
Mr.
Tinfoil, you'll need to disable the security cameras.
I shall blind every robotic eye in the place, sir! What about the guards? We'll need a distraction.
That's easy.
We give them a cryptid to chase.
But where do we find one? I'm certainly not a cryptid.
Definitely not a jackalope or anything.
Jack, it's okay.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
It's true.
I'm a jackalope.
We know, Jack.
You have huge antlers.
And they're beautiful, man.
All right.
Hacking, disguises, security, distraction.
- You guys with me? - Yeah! Let's go get 'em! SECRET's back! Hide! Turbo! You're safe! I thought SECRE had kidnapped you for sure.
They did.
Until we pulled off the greatest escape ever! Smoove did this insane supersonic blast.
I raced a cyborg bobcat.
Burn got psychic powers for a bit but then lost them again.
They had a Bigfoot, a Biggerfoot, and a device that turns gold into French fries! Aw.
We could've seen Biggerfoot.
Uh, Skid? Who are those guys? Long story.
I guess this was all for nothing.
Hey, it wasn't for nothing, guys.
Someday we'll need to face SECRET, and now we'll be ready.
Remember, four halves of the same pizza.
Wait a sec.
We could get calzones! They are like pizzas you don't have to share.
- Just no anchovies! - Maybe sun-dried tomatoes? You think the sun dries tomatoes? Four words, Mount Rushmore Heat Cannon.
Next time you guys get kidnapped by SECRET, please take me with you.