Two and a Half Men s03e12 Episode Script

I just wanna be clear that I am here as a last resort.
I understand.
I don't have a lot of faith in psychiatry as a science.
I think some of the drugs you're pushing are interesting.
And I'm all for messing around with brain chemistry.
I mean, that's how I got through high school.
But in my experience, popping pills doesn't relieve social anxiety quite as well as, say, bourbon and Marvin Gaye.
No, I get it.
You're desperate, and I'm full of hooey.
So in the words of Marvin Gaye, what's going on? - Everything I say is confidential, right? - Whatever you say stays in this room.
Kind of like Vegas.
Well, except there's no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.
Yeah, like Vegas.
Anyway, last night I'm out with my stupid, lame-ass brother.
Sounds like you've got some anger towards him.
Oh, you're good.
This is nice.
You and me, spending time together.
- Why don't we do this more often? - I don't have an answer.
Well, me neither.
So how long till the movie starts? About 20 minutes.
Y eah, sure, 20 minutes not counting previews and ads the popcorn and the giant pretzel holding hands the big soda drinking the little soda, which, frankly, is cannibalism and the reminder to turn off your cell phones and shut up.
But nobody does, because good manners are just the latest casualty in the ongoing collapse of Western civilization.
I now have an answer.
- I miss Jake.
- How can you miss him? We just dropped him off at his friend's house.
By the way, if you get tired of those magazines under your bed the kid's mom looked fairly doable.
Forget the mom.
Did you see how happy Jake was spending the weekend away? Why would you think that? Just because he jumped out of the car while it was moving? Alan, he was happy to see his friends.
Being away from you is just gravy.
I know, I know.
It's natural for him to want to spend more time with his peers than his parents.
But all the same, it's sad.
Yeah, sunrise, sunset.
One day you're holding a baby in your arms and the next day he's off hawking loogies and lighting farts with a bunch of Ritalin-addled sixth graders.
Why do I bother to share my feelings with you? I don't know.
It's not like I encourage it.
Oh, come on, so your kid doesn't need you like he used to.
That's a good thing.
You can spend your weekends enjoying yourself.
That's true.
I mean, there are things I wanna do that I haven't had time for.
Like that kid's mom.
No, no, I mean like Like reading.
Finally cracking open the classics.
Alan, if you wanna crack something open, I recommend that kid's mom.
No, no, I'm serious.
You know, for years I have been wishing that I had time to read all the great books.
You know, Dostoyevsky and Hemingway Faulkner and Dickens and Shakespeare.
And history, history.
U.
S U.
S.
history, world history, the history of language.
I mean, why doesn't anyone speak Sumerian anymore? I don't know, because I haven't read the book.
And, oh, poetry, poetry.
Byron and Keats and Shelley.
And biographies.
Julius Caesar and Abraham Lincoln and, oh, Groucho Marx.
I mean I mean, look at them all.
Look at them, they're mocking me.
I haven't read any of them.
Okay, well, just pick one for now.
Why bother? There's not enough time.
There's too many books, and there's not enough time.
Maybe you just need a system.
Put a book next to the toilet.
Every couple of days, knock out a couple chapters.
No, no, it's too late for me.
There's not enough bowel movements left.
- Maybe you need to change your diet.
- No, it's hopeless.
Jake will be grown up soon and I'll be dead.
And you know what I'll have left behind? A life of unfulfilled dreams, a shelf of unread books and three unopened seasons of Six Feet Under on DVD.
So, what are you doing tonight? All right.
So your brother had a panic attack in the middle of a bookstore.
How'd that make you feel? What the hell do my feelings have to do with anything? Why don't you just humor me? Well, I felt a little ashamed.
Because you felt that his behavior reflected on you? No, because I left him there.
You left him? Not permanently.
I came back and got him after he was all cried out and it was time for the movie.
So you still went to the movie? Yeah, I bought the tickets online.
They don't refund those.
Red Vine? No, thank you.
I am so sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
Who among us hasn't collapsed, weeping, in the middle of a bookstore for no apparent reason? You know, I think maybe I'd be better off at home.
So I'm supposed to miss the movie just because you had a nervous breakdown? Well, kind of.
Don't you think that's a little selfish, Alan? It's just, all of a sudden I felt crushed by this unbelievable sense of grief like my entire life has been an exercise in pathetic futility.
Well, I wouldn't rule it out.
Come on, bunky, cheer up.
Have a Red Vine.
I don't want a Red Vine.
- Sno-Cap? - No.
- Raisinet? - No.
- Goobers? - How much crap did you buy? They couldn't change a hundred.
All right, I'll have a Junior Mint.
I didn't get Junior Mints.
Of course not.
Story of my life.
No Junior Mints for Alan.
Just Goobers.
Goobers, Goobers, Goobers.
- Dude, dude, you need to be quiet.
- Why? Why? The First Amendment gives me the right to yell in a crowded theater.
Goobers! Hey, look, movie quiz.
- Let's play the movie quiz.
- I don't wanna play the movie quiz.
- It'll be fun.
I'll bet you're good at it.
- All right.
"Debra Winger and Richard Gere starred in An Officer and a blank.
" - Oh, please.
- You need a hint? - There's a hint in the corner.
- No, I don't need a hint.
I know the answer.
Everybody here knows the answer.
Everybody on the planet knows the answer.
- We're not stupid.
- Chill, chill.
Oh, wait.
Oh, here's another brainteaser.
"Steven Spielberg directed this modern retelling of the H.
G.
Wells classic War of the blank.
" - Couch.
War of the Couch.
- Stop it.
Oh, wait, no, no, I got it.
War of the Blow-It-Out- Your-Ass.
You know what? Maybe you' re right.
Maybe we should go.
Oh, wait, no, I know this one.
"Johnny Depp cruised to success in this comedy-action film inspired by a Disneyland attraction.
" Pirates of the Blow-It-Out- Your-Ass.
He's He's behind on his reading.
Oh, and let's not forget Judy Garland in that immortal classic The Wizard of Blow-It-Out- Your-Ass.
That sounds like quite an episode.
Is your brother seeing a therapist? How would I know? He's your brother.
He lives with you.
So? All right, go ahead.
Just because I took him in, doesn't mean I listen to him.
I understand.
He just whines about the same crap over and over.
- Okay.
- It's not even interesting crap.
It's the crap that bores the crap out of crap.
I got it.
It's crap.
Go ahead.
Thank you.
So we're driving home, and This seat is very comfortable.
Genuine leather, nine-way adjustable, lumbar support.
It's I wish I'd have spent a few extra bucks and gotten the ejection package.
- I said I was sorry.
- They don't refund those tickets, Alan.
- I wanna go see Jake.
- Why? He's at a sleepover.
I've just got this feeling that he needs me.
You mean like some sort of telepathic thing? - Exactly.
- I see.
- Did you know I was gonna do that? - No.
Then I wouldn't trust your psychic powers.
Oh, come on.
We can just stop by for a few minutes.
We have time now, since we decided to skip the movie.
Oh, we decided that, did we? That's the way it went down for you, huh? That's how you interpret recent events? Settle down.
You're acting like a crazy person.
Me? I'm acting like a crazy person? Are you freaking kidding me? Listen to yourself.
You're getting a little scary right now.
Okay, fine.
You wanna see the kid, we'll go see the kid.
Thank you.
Was that so hard? Charlie? The road.
Please? You know, when you have kids you find there's a deep, spiritual connection.
You feel an actual tug when your child needs you.
Interesting.
What do you feel when your brother hates you? Alan.
Is everything okay? Oh, yeah, fine.
I just need to see Jake for a minute.
- He's feeling a tug.
- A tug? Or it could be gas.
We're not sure.
Well, could you just call Jake? Jake, your father's here! Put that down, Timmy! - What? - I just wanted to see if you were okay.
Oh, great, now I'm dead.
Thanks a lot.
It doesn't count.
I was talking to my stupid dad.
Well, it It seems like you've got everything under control here.
Actually, I ran out of ice cream.
Do you think you could keep an eye on the kids for a few minutes? - Well - Thanks a million.
I'll be right back.
She ain't coming back.
Three hours she was gone.
And when she finally came back, she was reeking of Old Spice and pot.
- I see.
- And she didn't even have any ice cream.
All right, let's stop here for a minute and talk in general about your feelings towards women.
No, thanks.
- Rather discuss your childhood? - Nope.
- Father? Mother? - Dead.
Killed him.
- Would you like to discuss that? - We just did.
Charlie, I'm not sure we're on the same page here.
Have you ever been in therapy before? - Does massage therapy count? - No.
It's almost the same thing.
One-on-one with a strange woman who charges you for the hour and then only gives you 50 minutes? Why don't we just go back to your story? Touch a nerve there, did I? Okay, okay.
Well, Jake ignored his father the entire time we were there, so Alan was a little upset when we got back in the car.
He hates me.
My only son hates me.
He doesn't hate you.
He just didn't appreciate you telling his friends that laser tag can induce epileptic fits.
- Well, it can.
- Be that as it may you could've gotten your point across without flopping on the floor rolling your eyes up, and pretending to swallow your tongue.
Hey, hey.
A picture is worth a thous Charlie, stop the car.
- Why? - I have to get out.
- I'm feeling claustrophobic.
- There's no place to stop.
- We have to stop! - Where? I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
I have to get out.
- I have to get out now.
Now, now, now.
- Okay, okay, hold on.
Hold on.
The seat belt won't come off.
- Just push the button.
- I can't, I can't.
- It won't come off.
Help me.
- Okay, okay, move your hands.
Okay.
It's passing.
It's Yes.
I'm okay.
- No, you're not.
- What? - Get out.
- What? Get out now.
Now, now, now.
Get out.
Get out.
That's better.
So you just left your brother on the side of the road? He couldn't believe it either.
You should've seen his face in the rear-view mirror.
All right, Charlie, we've been talking for quite a while, and I gotta tell you: I still don't understand why you came to see me.
You in a hurry? Doesn't that undermine your whole pay-by-the-hour business model? - Go ahead.
- Thank you.
So as I was driving away, I decided I needed a little quiet time for, you know, reflection and meditation.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What took you so long? I was sure you'd come back.
I guess that's case closed on the telepathy stuff.
- What are you drinking? - I don't know, something soothing.
- Kahlua and cream.
- He's kidding.
Give him a beer.
- Must you always embarrass me? - Hey, I have had a traumatic night.
I feel very exposed, vulnerable, confused Y eah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, shut up, shut up, shut up.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Yeah, hi.
- Can we buy you ladies a drink? - No, thanks.
We're already pretty blitzed.
- Boy, are we blitzed.
Perfect.
I'm Charlie.
This is Alan.
- Amy.
- Beth.
Nice to meet you.
How's it going tonight? - Pretty good.
- We're blitzed.
- How about you? - Yeah, how you doing? - Oh, boy.
Where to start? - No one's talking to you.
- What's the matter, Alan? - Yeah, what's the matter? Well, you really wanna know? They don't.
Trust me, you really don't.
Well, maybe it's a late reaction to the divorce.
Maybe it's my son not needing me so much now that he's growing up but I think it's more than that.
I think it's just life grinding me down, and I just I don't think I can take it anymore.
- Oh, you poor baby.
- Poor, poor baby.
- Tell us all about it.
- Yeah, tell us.
Well, I was never a happy child.
Oh, God, I was a miserable kid.
And the only thing that gave my life meaning was my son.
At least you've got a son.
I've got nothing, except epilepsy.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, oh, no.
So anyway, there I was on my wedding day in front of the priest and all our friends flopping around on the altar like an epileptic trout when I heard her father say: "You can't marry this man.
He's damaged goods.
" - Oh, gee.
- Yeah, oh, gee.
That's when I realized that all the money in the world And I do have a lot.
can't replace that special tug you feel when someone loves you unconditionally.
- Look, Beth, the ocean.
- Oh, the ocean.
- Let's go skinny-dipping.
- Yeah.
- You wanna come? - Yeah, come with us.
I'd love to, but I'm too sad and I might swallow my tongue.
You two go.
Swim, splash, frolic.
Enjoy your healthy bodies.
- Okay.
- Bye.
Have you no shame? Let me think.
Nope, just a tug.
And that's another thing.
My angst is real.
I don't appreciate you taking my tug to get in someone's pants.
News flash, Alan.
They're already out of their pants.
And they're gonna come back cold, wet and in desperate need of body heat.
For those of us with normal skin temperature, it'll be a seller's market.
- You're unbelievable.
- No, I just think ahead.
They're gonna last two seconds in that water.
We have to hurry.
I'll get the wine.
You light some candles.
I'm sorry, I'm really not in the mood.
Are you saying that I have to get you liquored up so I can get laid? All right, I'll go along, but only as a favor to you.
Thank you.
I'm gonna have to apply the condom and get a rope and pulley to lower one of those broads onto him.
Since you're making me do this, I get Amy.
The hell you do.
Which one's Amy? Amy's the one who overcame the eating disorder.
- Starving herself or throwing up? - Does it make a difference? - Does if you're paying for dinner.
- Amy is the brunette.
- Got it.
So I have Jennifer.
- You mean Beth.
- Oh, right, right, B for "blonde.
" - B can also be for "brunette.
" But Amy's the brunette.
So you could do A for "anorexic.
" Unless it's B for "bulimic.
" Good point.
We're gonna need a new system.
Do you smell something? Yeah, what is that? I think you do these things just to piss me off.
- Oh, my God, what happened? - Well, while I was trying to put it out my brother stupidly called the fire department.
Why was that stupid? Have you seen a Malibu fireman recently? They're all young, buff surfer dudes whipping their big hoses around.
Amy and Beth jumped on their hook and ladder like a couple Dalmatians.
We never saw them again.
Yes, the Malibu Fire Department.
I have several patients who compulsively masturbate to their calendar.
- No kidding.
- Both sexes.
So, Charlie, I'm still not clear on what it is you would like me to help you with.
Your anger issues? Your sexual issues? Drinking? No, no, no, that's all cool.
Then tell me, why are you here? Okay, well, I'm here to lay some groundwork for the future.
Some groundwork? Yeah.
I've come to realize that there's a very good chance that I might someday snap and kill my brother.
And I figure if I'm already under a psychiatrist's care then I can always cop an insanity plea.
You're thinking of killing your brother? Doctor-patient confidentiality.
Where's the bottle opener? Check in the drawer by the coffee machine.
Hey, what do you think of this for the new drapes? T oo small.
You know, I think it's kind of cheerful.
I'll put it in the "maybe" pile.
You do that.
You know, we're also gonna have to reupholster the couch.
- You think? - There's a lot of water damage.
Which, frankly, I think was the result of the firemen showing off for the girls.
You could be right.
You know, I just wanna tell you I really appreciate you sticking by me in the past couple of days you know, pulling me out of my funk.
You really are a great brother.
- I don't know what I'd do without you.
- I don't know what I'd do without you.
But golly, it's sure fun to think about.
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