Ugly Americans (2010) s02e05 Episode Script

Finding someone to share your life with can seem like a never-ending quest.
But true love is worth fighting for.
Other types of love not so much.
I'm sorry, Victoria.
I thought I had it there.
Just not good at the sex.
Is it because I find you repellant in every way? No, that's actually a huge turn-on.
It's just sort of hard to be intimate with him staring at us like that.
Look, you two have 72 hours to mate, or Victoria goes back to the London Zoo and you both go extinct.
Now, get [Bleep.]
! Sexy fruit time.
Yeah, that's right.
Pass that orange.
Okay.
Now a deep, wet kiss.
Ugh, I wouldn't snog that bloke with a three-meter pole.
Okay, well, let's talk about it.
Why aren't you two turned on? Basically, we are disgusted by each other.
He's as repulsive as the Queen's bum.

Everyone's hideous naked.
You get in, fire away, get out.
That's sex.
Well, I think what we need to do is change the mood here.
Start from a place of calm.
We're taking all deep, sensual breath, down, down, down.
Yeah, exhaling.
Good.
Should we be here for this? Who dareth bring a dragon into my realm of employment? Ah! Put it out.
I'm burning in here.
Leonard, stay calm.
Doug, you're in charge 'til I get back.
I'm going to get aloe.
Now, where does Leonard keep the aloe? White-out.
Unwrapped condoms.
What is this? Mark? Why does this have my name on it Oh! So small and shiny.
Ah, no harm in trying it on.
Hello! Mark, I just wanted to make sure you weren't looking for the aloe in my drawer of secrets.
The drawer of what now? The ring.
You're wearing my ring.
But it says "Mark" on it.
Oops.
I'm gonna Aah! Stop it! Very well, Mark.
I will stop it.
Okay, good to be heard.
Wow.
Why do you have an engagement ring in your desk anyway? It's a long story that would best be told at a bookstore.
You see, Mark, three centuries ago, I made the biggest mistake of my life: Proposing to the wizard princess Beatrice, the wealthy heiress to the Bedfellow throne.
Mm-hmm.
I'd been able to "put it on ice" until you put on that stupid ring and activated the marriage countdown! Well, deactivate it.
Get this thing off my finger.
Wait.
It's stuck on you? Is thatbad? Not for me.
It just means that, uh That you're the best man.
Yeah, that works.
Everything you need to know is in this book.
Oh, great, it's not enough that I have to convince two dragons to mate.
Now I have to plan your wedding too? Hey, on the plus side, you just obtained the power of influence.
That's cool, huh? Wh-what's the power of influence? You want to go for drink and friendship talk? With you, three's never a crowd.
Yeah.
People all around me preaching I don't listen and I don't care Pants! Looks kind of cheap for a magic ring.
Why don't you watch where you're going? I will, if you promise to have a great day.
I promise I will have a great day.
Hmm.
Could that have been the power of influence? Excuse me, sir.
Turn that frown upside down.
Whoa.
It was.
It was the power of influence.
Let's do a ltle damage.
You, admit you have a problem.
Now everybody dance! Did you read that entire thing? I don't sleep, Mark.
Reading kills time, and it keeps me off the streets.
Uh, B.
T.
Dubs, according to this, the person who wears the ring is the one getting married.
Also, I can see your entire schlong right now.
Oop, right you are.
Leonard's flaky, but he would've told me if that was the case.
Well, of course, why wouldn't you trust a known liar? Hey, do you have any idea why all these people have been dancing outside our apartment for ten hours? Oh, dear God.
Everybody, stop dancing! - She's dead! - I can't feel my arms! My socks are filled with blood! Number eight, please.
Oh, the old "put it on ice" bell.
She'll thaw out in a day or two.
Oh, is she dead? No, no, no, no, no.
WellI don't know.
My spells only have a 30% success rate.
Here we go.
She's even uglier than I remember.
She's the most hideous thing I've ever seen.
Mark, look away, quickly.
Wow.
Huckle buckle beanstalk.
Mark, avert your eyes.
Her beastly face has driven you mad.
Well, I don't think Beatrice is the only one suffering from a case of cold feet.
I command you all to laugh at that.
And that's how you do intercourse.
Oh, is that how Americans shag? Looks a tad wonky.
Lead by example.
It's how my mother and her boyfriend Wayne taught me.
We should talk about that.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Appleby.
We were just working on an ancient mating ritual.
We only got the female on loan through the week's end, Grimes.
Get on it! I hate to do this, but I'm gonna have to order you two to [Bleep.]
Hard.
Hard as you can.
Okay, it's in.
Oh, blimey, he's buttering my crumpets Hey, look at that.
Grimes' instruction worked.
Now, Mr.
Appleby, compliment his coaching skills.
Grimes, for your tireless intercourse work, I bestow upon you the title of Central Park Zoo dragon bone master.
Ha! I only respond to negative reinforcement.
Now, if you'll excuse us, my blow-up doll and I have tickets to the ballet.
I've got a major presentation coming up in Hell, and I find out from Randall that you're getting married.
Leonard's the one getting married.
I'm just the best man.
You've got 200 feet before I release my talons.
Callie, I order you to be nice.
Yes, Mark, I really should be nicer.
Is that Doug? I think I understand the tears better now.
Oh, my stars.
You poor thing.
Storekeep, how much is that koala-man in the window? That should keep her busy for a while.
Fellow demons, welcome to Evil-con 2011.
My daughter, Callie, will kick things off by detailing how hell is going to sabotage the green movement.
Be sure to stick around afterwards for the comedic stylings of Dane Cook.
Darling.
Well, thank you, daddy.
But I'd rather use this opportunity to make an announcement.
I've gone good.
- Hmm? - Huh? I'm rededicating my life to the care of a koala-person in need.
His name is Doug, and I've adopted him as my own.
He's my everything, my raison d'etre.
And so, with a heart full of love, I bid you a good day, gentlemen.
Mwah! I'm going to need you to kill Callie for me.
- I'm sorry? - Appearances, Twayne.
I can't have word getting out my only daughter isn't a psychopath.
You'll understand when you're a father.
You have 72 hours, 'kay? Super, thanks.
Yeah, put it everywhere.
Not there, not there.
Look at that old [Bleep.]
! Does that look like a guy that's getting married this weekend? I'm sure he's just having his bachelor party.
Whoo! By himself.
Hey, cinnamon, let's go to Italy together.
Yeah! I'll show you the riviera! Whoo! Hey, Mark.
Perfect timing.
You got to get in on this.
There's nothing wrong with blowing off a little steam before the big day.
Oh, right.
My marriage.
How are the wedding things coming along? Swimmingly.
I power-influenced Callie into throwing a bachelorette party for Beatrice.
Oh, don't look.
It's Kiefer Sutherland.
That'll be $700.
Let's leave without paying.
Just because Leonard is a scoundrel doesn't mean we should besmirch our good names.
Uh, did you just have a gay seizure? "Besmirch"? I mean, what is that, French? What is smirching? I don'tKnow.
Who wants a tour? And this is Doug's new scratch post.
Oh, and those are his eucalyptus trees.
Oh, and, Doug, do you want to show them your bed? - Isn't he the best? - Aw.
Mwah! You came.
How's our bride-to-be doing? Thawing evenly, I hope.
Thank you, Mark.
The girls love her so much.
This is the most fun I've had maybe ever! I like my Smirnoff on the rocks.
Thanks for understanding.
Mrs.
Powers-to-be, may you and Leonard have a life full of mirth.
Randall, why am I using words like "mirth"? Hey, everyone, look! Doug's trying to break-dance.
Looks like I've found myself an inside man.
What's the holdup, Twayne? It's been a whole day, and you still haven't turned my beautiful angelic daughter into a festering corpse.
I'm sorry, sir.
Cold-blooded assassination is usually no big deal for me.
But I still have a bit of a thing for Callie.
Well, then be a real man about it, Twayne, and hire someone else to do your dirty work.
If word gets out that the Maggotbone bloodline has gone soft, my enemies will eat me alive, literally.
It's really unpleasant.
I'm on it, sir.
Mr.
Boneraper, your 9:15 is here.
Send him in.
There he is.
Would you like anything? Scotch, cigar? Okay, cut the cute act, Doug.
Or should I say Cesar the murder bear? I know what happened in Bolivia.
There were women and children in that village.
I need you to kill again.
The FBI wouldn't take too kindly to an international assassin starting a new life here in America, Doug.
End her, or I end you.
Thank you so much for coming over and helping move Beatrice.
I think she'll be so much more comfortable in the bathtub, don't you? 'Tis better to suffer than leave a maiden in distress.
Randall, any progress on why I'm talking like this? It says, "any groom wearing the magical ring "will transform into a knight to protect his bride's honor.
" Dude, you are definitely getting married.
Pish posh.
Leonard would ne'er deceive me in such an uncouth manner.
Our rings doth glow.
Their powers awake you from your icy slumber, 'kay? Huzzah! Ew.
My God.
She's beautiful.
Ooh, and it says here we're gonna have to get her a drool bucket.
Presenting Mark Lilly.
All rise.
Fair lady Maggotbone.
Due to circumstances beyond my control, I fear our relationship must come to a conclusion.
What did I do wrong? I can lose weight! Gain weight! Sex change! Tell me! When the gods of love conspire against one's unabound duty, man hath no choice but to He wants to bang Leonard's chick.
Have you no discretion, squire? You are so flogged when we get home.
Dude, my mom wants that shirt back when you're done with it.
I have to win Mark back.
He's the love of my life, Doug.
I'll die without him.
End her, or I end you.
Presenting Randall Skeffington, lord of the rebound.
Before we meet Beatrice's family, I should warn you.
They've been New York royalty for centuries.
They're kind of stuck in their ways.
'Tis nothing nobler than the regal tradition of Yeah, you'll be fine.
Presenting Leonard Powers, high wizard of social services, here to collect your fair daughter's dowry.
Wazzup, bitches? Where my money at? Bring in the dowry.
My dowry is discount mattresses? Oh, I knew I'd get [Bleep.]
.
Peace out.
Yow! I am sorry to disgrace the good court.
This unseemly outburst by my liege will not stand.
Where would one find the winchery? I have terrible news, milady.
You are about to marry a cad.
My God.
Your siren song is irresistible.
I can't stop myself anymore! Oh, Lady Beatrice, if only I could steal your hand from that dastardly heathen.
Curse this fate of ours! Right? Drool once for "yes.
" Where is Leonard? The reception doth start in but 15 minutes.
Leonard! Give me some wedding day sugar, baby.
- Leonard! - Yeah.
What is the meaning of this treachery? Oh, Mark, this is Arabella.
Yes, she was helping me, uh, write my wedding vows.
With mypenis? How could you? You are about to be joined in marriage to Beatrice, the most beautiful woman in all the realm.
If you love her so much, why don't you marry her? I mean, you're already wearing the ring and all.
I accept your blessing! 'Tis my wedding day.
All too easy.
Don't disappoint me.
Or me.
I introduced them.
All right, listen, Mark, this was hilarious for a while, so I let it go on maybe a little bit too long, but now you've got 30 more feet to get out of this.
You have to go now, Mark.
Run! Run! Run! I hope I catch the bouquet.
Congratulations, Mark.
Beautiful ceremony.
Found us a little "b" and "b" across the river.
Figure by the time I get there, I'll be ready to go again.
Powering up as we speak.
Enjoy your wedding night with Jar Jar stinks.
Not so fast, villain! You've sullied my lady's honor for the last time.
Who, Jabba the slut? I will meet you on the field of joust! Hyah! A thousand apologies, milady.
Is there an orthopedic surgeon in the house? What? Black is slimming.
Good luck, my love! Ah! Okay, I want a good, clean joust.
Old school.
That means Philly rules.
Keep it above the codpiece.
Whoever loses, I get their shoes and whatever's in their pockets.
Prepare to meet your doom, Leonard! Bitch, I can't wait to joust that crown off your head! Know this, old friend.
While I take no pleasure in destroying you, I will not shy away from its necessity.
I can see your entire schlong from down here.
Then you die a lucky man.
- Oh, my God! - Huh? Wait.
What is going on? Oh, God.
I put my tongue down that thing's throat.
Tasted like dog food and cigars.
I can't believe I've gone three days without doing anything evil.
Anyone want to help me drown a hobo? Oh, thank heavens.
It's what inspires us to be better people.
Never proposing again.
Adios.
For me? Ah! It's not always pretty.
Sometimes It's even ugly.
I guess the best you can do is love the one you're with.
Thanks for putting me in your will.
I'll never have to buy a new mattress again.