Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s01e02 Episode Script
Kimmy Gets a Job
1 All right, Kimmy, listen up.
I'm listening! Good! Day two in New York City, and you've already got a room with a door, a new pair of shoes, and a black friend.
Are you kidding me? No, I'm not.
Now all you have to do is get your job back.
Ms.
Jacqueline? Oh.
Didn't I fire you? I want to say Cornmo? It's Kimmy, ma'am.
And I deserved it.
But I also think I deserve a second chance.
I'm a hard worker, I'm proficient in WordPerfect and Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing, and I can hold my breath for a real long time.
Watch.
But you were two hours late on your first day! Do you have any idea how much I have on my plate? Not literally, of course.
The point is, I'm extremely busy.
I know.
Buckley's birthday is today.
First, our nanny quits, then you don't show up, then my Pilates guy gets a part on Royal Pains, so I have to go to Michelle.
Michelle! Look, I don't like giving second chances, but I appreciate your lack of pride.
So, if you can handle Buckley's birthday party, I'll consider bringing you back on.
But this is your last chance.
I'm not running a charity here, except the one where I donate my old towels to poor people with the same initials as me.
My husband, Julian, is flying in from London for the party.
That was the fanciest sentence I've ever heard, and I used to watch Frasier.
Well, Julian's only here for one night, and I want everything to be perfect.
You have four hours to plan a superhero birthday party for 20 children and their Caribbean chaperones.
You won't regret this, Mrs.
Voorhees.
I'm pretty great at birthday challenges.
How did you make this? It's my hair and Donna Maria's hair.
¿Qué, qué? Well, good luck.
I'd hate to have to fire you again.
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it Hey! Yeezus! What are you doing back here? Shopping.
It's Times Square, where New Yorkers shop.
Why are you dressed like a robot? Remember dream-following? Yes, Kimmy, I do, but I can't exactly quit my job.
I've still got bills to pay.
If I stop paying Columbia House, I stop getting my tapes.
Look, we both listen to the tapes.
Let me take care of Columbia House.
Let me take care of the rent for a little while.
I got my job back.
I don't know, baby girl.
I mean, rent is one thing, but I need new head shots, new clothes, new teeth, Botox to stop my sweating.
Well, that costume's got to be worth something.
Maybe you could sell it.
No, this thing's a rental.
But I gave them a security deposit.
- That's $200.
- Whoa.
With that kind of money, you could produce your own show.
Maybe something about being black and gay and bald and Okay.
But I've already been down that road, Kimbert.
After my tenth failed Lion King audition, I tried to stage my own version.
Wee Bobby Doop-doo Sanjaya Oh, no-no Well, you can at least buy some new clothes.
- All right.
- That's the spirit.
Look out, New York.
Nothing can stop us now.
Well, they call me Cool Kimmy 'Cause I like to rap You, help.
We were playing vodka shotzee to pre-game for Dexter's party tonight, and Simone kept losing 'cause she's really bad at math, and I think she has alcohol poisoning.
What? Who are you? I wasn't rapping.
We have to pump her stomach but we can't take her to the hospital because her dad's running for Congress.
Okay, I've gotten botulism a bunch of times from spoiled canned goods, so I know lots of ways to make people throw up.
Oh, I I'm fine.
Don't let her die.
She'll kill me! She'll be okay, but she really should see a doctor.
Her boyfriend's an ophthalmologist, but he's on vacation with his wife.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Does one of you live here? Mrs.
Voorhees didn't tell me that she had a daughter.
Jacqueline? I'm her stepdaughter.
And you're what, the new Hunong? I'm Kimmy, and I'm going to have to tell your stepmother that you were drinking.
No, you don't.
I'm 15, and I'm pretty much your boss.
Um can you go? We're, like, in here.
Oh, my God.
No way, man.
I can't give you your security deposit back.
There's all kinds of wear on this thing.
That is ridiculous.
I treated this suit like a beautiful lady, which is to say, I did not touch it.
I'll take it off your hands, but you're not getting your deposit back.
Unacceptable.
I need that money to pursue my dream of stardom.
That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.
And I have sex with these costumes at night.
- Mrs.
Voorhees.
- Mm? - Um - Not now, Kimmy.
In preparation for Julian's return, I went to the gyno-dermatologist.
I need to lie down with my feet and heart above my vagina.
Uh, but I really need to talk to you about your stepdaughter.
Xanthippe? She's home already? Are her friends with her? They're so mean and cool.
Sometimes I look at them at Barney's from behind a pillar.
Her friends left, but I think you should know that they were drinking alcohol on purpose.
Okay, I can't deal with this right now.
Today is too important.
Just make sure Xanthippe is at Buckley's party.
But You're going to punish "Sam-pippy," right? You don't understand.
Being a stepmom isn't easy.
Xan isn't going to listen to me 'cause we're basically the same age.
Someone needs to ground her.
Okay.
You can try.
But don't cry in front of her, even if she calls you a MILF and then says, "Not!" And then everyone in the Admirals Club laughs at you.
Wait.
You want me to ground her? Yes, please.
What is all this? Oh, it's a superhero birthday party, just like you wanted.
I hope you're joking.
This looks like a party for a child.
But it is for a child.
This is a disaster.
Your color scheme clashes with the Givenchy romper I bought for this party.
Do you know what a Givenchy romper is? - This? - Oh, my God.
I'll wear something else.
But do you really expect my husband to fly 6,000 miles for paper plates, crinkle-cut fries, a Mexican candy animal? Is this my fault? Was I not clear? No, you were clear.
I can do better.
Please.
Please do.
Okay.
So I should spend As much money as you have to so that when Julian comes home, he knows that he's at his son's birthday party, not the reception for an Appalachian incest wedding.
Okay.
Guadalajara, Guadalajara Guadalajara, Guadala Hey! Jackass! We're working this car! We don't need no busted-up Iron Man stealing our tips.
I'm not Iron Man.
All I want to do is get rid of this stupid costume, but they won't give me my security deposit back.
Wait.
Is that from Ray Ray's Costume Depot? Yes.
He said it was damaged.
The same thing happened to us.
And my mother cleans our costumes every night after she tucks us into the bed we all share.
It's a scam.
This will not stand! áVámonos! Let's go! Julian should be here any minute.
How do I look? Like a million bucks! Wow.
I know you didn't mean that to be hurtful, but Where do you think you're going? Out.
Put down your Game Boy and look at me.
My what? Ew.
Your stepmother expects you to be at your half-brother's party when your full father gets here.
I'll be back in, like, an hour.
God.
Xanadu, you're grounded.
Xanthippe.
And what? By the power vested in me as an adult who is a grown-up, you're grounded.
Okay.
Kimmy, IMHO Pancakes.
Got it.
This is not gonna work, 'cause nannies like you I chew you up, and I spit you out, just like all my food.
I would call this back-talk, missy, and you're not just back-talking me.
Your stepmother asked me to ground you.
You know, Disney lies to little girls.
Stepmothers aren't scary, and nannies aren't magical, and dwarves do not let you sleep in their house without expecting something.
It's okay, Kimmy.
You can do this job.
Right, Vera? I don't know, chica hamburguesa.
I don't know.
So everyone here has tried to get out of this game? And no one got their deposit back? Hell, no! That man is cheating us out of our dreams.
That's right.
If I could get my deposit back, I could finally live my dream of no longer being a mariachi.
We got to do something.
- Have an orgy? - No.
Stop suggesting that.
Look, honey, it's Cookie Monster.
That's not Cookie Monster.
Jeez, I get enough of that at home.
But she's right, Dale.
You're not Cookie Monster.
And I'm not Iron Man.
And that is definitely not Miss Piggy.
I know what we're gonna do.
Hey, Super Buckley.
My mom said I can't open any presents until my dad gets home.
Aw.
That's the worst.
But I've got a little trick that might help.
I learned a long time ago that a person can stand just about anything for ten seconds.
How are you liking my Baby-Sitters Club Mystery, Sister Gretchen? I don't know.
Surfing, swimsuits A woman reading a book? Now let me have a turn on the Mystery Crank.
You haven't slept in days.
It's really no trouble.
See, you can stand anything for ten seconds.
Then you just start on a new ten seconds.
Nine, ten.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
One, two, three, four So, whether you're turning a heavy crank, the purpose of which is unknown to this day, or just waiting around to open some presents, all you got to do is Take it ten seconds at a time - Kimmy? - Huh? Can you help me, please? I've had the most amazing idea.
A scrunchy that's also a wallet? To make tonight extra special for Julian, I'm going to re-create our first date.
And you worked at the post office? I was a stewardess, and it was so romantic.
I was on Julian's NetJet flight back from Bush's second inauguration.
So, needless to say, he was DTF.
Then when we landed, we couldn't go back to his house because his wife was home, so we ended up going to his office instead.
And we snuggled all night because he fell asleep on top of me.
So is Mr.
Voorhees on his way? Well, I just texted his assistant, Rhonda.
Don't worry.
Fat.
And he should be wheels down any minute.
So make sure the kids are ready to yell "surprise" when he comes through the door.
Tonight's gonna be crazy debauchery.
Dexter's parents are both in the hospital from a skiing accident, so the apartment's totally empty.
I can't wait.
The babysitter tried to bust me for drinking, but I own her.
You guys, I was showering with Dr.
Jerry, and he told me he hates his wife.
- He said that? - You're so lucky! Remember how I was, like, so bummed I had to see my grandparents in California? Well, I met this surfer, like, blond, blue eyes, tan, okay? And he called me "Kelea" which is, like, a Hawaiian princess.
Anyway, he practiced surfing at night, and we'd meet up after and do it on the beach.
I have sex when I visit my grandparents too.
I have a birthday update.
My husband, Julian Voorhees, has, um not yet left London.
Obviously, you needn't stay, but we will not be opening presents until he gets here.
But can we have cake? I don't even know who you are.
I'm Cooper S.
Open the register, Ray.
Time to make like a dwarf at a jukebox and pay up.
Really? Am I supposed to be afraid of a Hello Kitty and a Cookie Monster? No.
But that's not what they are.
They're an Aloha Cat and a Treat Creature.
And I'm not Iron Man.
I'm Metal Hero Friend.
None of us are licensed, and by renting these costumes, you're infringing on the intellectual property of The Children's Television Workshop, Marvel Comics, Walt Disney, and Japan PervCo.
How'd you dirtbags find out about intellectual property? Who told? Let's just say I had some firsthand experience with Disney's copyright lawyers.
Wheeeeeeee Bobby Doop-doo Sanjaya Oh, no-no, wait Oh Fair enough.
Pay up, old man, every cent that you owe these losers.
Well Julian isn't coming at all.
He had to go back to Japan.
You might as well open your birthday presents, Buckley.
I did, and I already have all this stuff.
I'm sorry.
You're sorry? Look around you.
This birthday party was a catastrophe.
- And I hate superheroes.
- What are you talking about? You play with them all the time.
Because I'm pretending to be a super villain! I like how they blow up hospitals.
Well, this birthday party isn't about you.
I wanted everything to be perfect.
I mean, it had to be perfect, and he didn't even show up.
He's my husband.
He made a vow to me on Steve Wynn's boat.
And I never should have trusted you.
I did it, Kimothy.
I got my security deposit back.
I got rid of that robot costume, and I got to yell at an old white man.
Well, I'm sorry, Titus, but you can't stop working.
- Say what? - I have to quit my job.
No, no, no, no, no.
You can't do that.
One of us has to put food on my Barbie-themed TV trays.
You don't understand.
I can't do it.
This family The mother is having some sort of breakdown, while her stepdaughter is running around drinking and sexing.
The little boy is a devil, probably because the father is never around.
It sounds like this family either has no money or way too much.
Oh, they're super rich.
Their toilet has another reverse toilet next to it.
Oh, no, you cannot work there.
Rich New Yorkers are the worst.
They buy up buildings for themselves and ruin neighborhoods.
They're always inventing new types of dogs that the world doesn't need.
And what do they do with their money? They give it to charities to cure malaria in other countries.
Well, call me crazy, but I say cure malaria at home first.
These people have so many towels, and you're not allowed to use any of them! I don't blame you for bailing.
I mean, people like that need serious help.
I know that, Titus.
That's the problem.
I like helping people.
I'm good at it.
I helped you get your life back together.
I helped keep the Mole Women sane all those years.
And this morning, I helped an old man at the supermarket who needed me to get all that stuff out of his pockets.
But I don't know how to help the Vorheeseses.
Lil' Kim, there is nothing you can do to help these crazy people.
You're just a sweet girl with an eighth-grade education.
Almost.
You've read, like, two books in the last 15 years.
- You're not gonna - Urethra! That's it! The book! How did I not remember this? I can fix it.
I can fix everything! Titus, I need you to get your robot suit back.
But I already did something today.
Hey, Xan, going somewhere? You still work here? Cool.
Cool.
Um, one thing before you go Your boyfriend this summer, what did you say his name was Thrash? Yeah, Thrash.
When did I 'Cause I can't remember.
Did you tell me that he surfed at night so his nemesis Gonzo wouldn't sabotage his board again before the big competition? Or did I read about it? Everything you've said about your boyfriend is straight out of Baby-Sitters Club Mystery Number 12, colon, Dawn and the Surfer Ghost.
Isn't that right, Kelea? Or should I say, Xan? How did you know that? I only had two books with me down in the reading nook when I was growing up and this was one of them.
You cannot tell anyone about this.
Yeah.
It'd be a shame if Simone or Vidalia were to find out your story was a lie, a lie taken from a book for middle schoolers.
That's not true.
Those books are recommended for 12 and up.
"And up," Kimmy! Go to your room, Xan, 'cause you're fudging grounded.
I hate you! This is for your own good.
You're a kid, and childhood is precious.
It's okay that you're a virgin.
What is your deal? What kind of 29-year-old woman wears light-up Skechers? This isn't over.
I'm gonna figure you out, Kimmy, and then I'm gonna destroy you.
I know you are but what am I? Mrs.
Voorhees? Oh, Kimmy, perfect.
I forgot to actually fire you earlier.
Anyway, you're fired.
Just clean up downstairs and rotate the mattresses before you leave.
Okay, but just so you know, I grounded Xan.
She's in her room listening to a rock tape, and Buckley is downstairs having the best birthday of his life.
Die, Iron Man! Die! No! Did you really do all that? I did.
I'm sorry that the party wasn't what you wanted it to be.
It's not your fault.
I know I must seem crazy.
I just thought that if today were perfect, it would make a difference.
Kimmy, I think my marriage is falling apart.
Please, not in the crotch! It was supposed to be a two-week trip, but Julian's been gone for two months.
I was sure he was gonna come back for this.
And then he'd see me being the perfect mother and the perfect wife, and then later in the evening, the perfect foot slut.
You know, who among us is a perfect foot slut? I know.
Julian's probably cheating on me not with Fat Rhonda, obviously, but he's been in Japan a lot lately.
You can get a mistress in a vending machine there.
Kimmy, what's happening to me is the worst thing that's ever happened to any woman ever.
Mrs.
Voorhees do you think you can make it through the next ten seconds? I guess so.
Is it over? No, but it will be very soon.
And then you start on the next ten seconds.
Just take it ten seconds at a time.
Everything will be okay.
Oh, Kimmy, what would I do without you? You're my best friend.
Well, why don't you get some rest, Mrs.
Voorhees? Okay.
Kimmy, where do you think you're going? I need human contact.
Spoon me.
Mm.
One, two, three, four, five No! Look, look, look, look, look, look.
Iron Man is sorry, Professor Genocide.
I mean, you should blow up the hospital.
So truce? Oh.
Aw, damn it.
What white bitch got him golf clubs? You okay out there, Titus? I've made less for worse.
Thanks, Kimmy! Awesome party.
Good night, everybody!
I'm listening! Good! Day two in New York City, and you've already got a room with a door, a new pair of shoes, and a black friend.
Are you kidding me? No, I'm not.
Now all you have to do is get your job back.
Ms.
Jacqueline? Oh.
Didn't I fire you? I want to say Cornmo? It's Kimmy, ma'am.
And I deserved it.
But I also think I deserve a second chance.
I'm a hard worker, I'm proficient in WordPerfect and Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing, and I can hold my breath for a real long time.
Watch.
But you were two hours late on your first day! Do you have any idea how much I have on my plate? Not literally, of course.
The point is, I'm extremely busy.
I know.
Buckley's birthday is today.
First, our nanny quits, then you don't show up, then my Pilates guy gets a part on Royal Pains, so I have to go to Michelle.
Michelle! Look, I don't like giving second chances, but I appreciate your lack of pride.
So, if you can handle Buckley's birthday party, I'll consider bringing you back on.
But this is your last chance.
I'm not running a charity here, except the one where I donate my old towels to poor people with the same initials as me.
My husband, Julian, is flying in from London for the party.
That was the fanciest sentence I've ever heard, and I used to watch Frasier.
Well, Julian's only here for one night, and I want everything to be perfect.
You have four hours to plan a superhero birthday party for 20 children and their Caribbean chaperones.
You won't regret this, Mrs.
Voorhees.
I'm pretty great at birthday challenges.
How did you make this? It's my hair and Donna Maria's hair.
¿Qué, qué? Well, good luck.
I'd hate to have to fire you again.
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it Hey! Yeezus! What are you doing back here? Shopping.
It's Times Square, where New Yorkers shop.
Why are you dressed like a robot? Remember dream-following? Yes, Kimmy, I do, but I can't exactly quit my job.
I've still got bills to pay.
If I stop paying Columbia House, I stop getting my tapes.
Look, we both listen to the tapes.
Let me take care of Columbia House.
Let me take care of the rent for a little while.
I got my job back.
I don't know, baby girl.
I mean, rent is one thing, but I need new head shots, new clothes, new teeth, Botox to stop my sweating.
Well, that costume's got to be worth something.
Maybe you could sell it.
No, this thing's a rental.
But I gave them a security deposit.
- That's $200.
- Whoa.
With that kind of money, you could produce your own show.
Maybe something about being black and gay and bald and Okay.
But I've already been down that road, Kimbert.
After my tenth failed Lion King audition, I tried to stage my own version.
Wee Bobby Doop-doo Sanjaya Oh, no-no Well, you can at least buy some new clothes.
- All right.
- That's the spirit.
Look out, New York.
Nothing can stop us now.
Well, they call me Cool Kimmy 'Cause I like to rap You, help.
We were playing vodka shotzee to pre-game for Dexter's party tonight, and Simone kept losing 'cause she's really bad at math, and I think she has alcohol poisoning.
What? Who are you? I wasn't rapping.
We have to pump her stomach but we can't take her to the hospital because her dad's running for Congress.
Okay, I've gotten botulism a bunch of times from spoiled canned goods, so I know lots of ways to make people throw up.
Oh, I I'm fine.
Don't let her die.
She'll kill me! She'll be okay, but she really should see a doctor.
Her boyfriend's an ophthalmologist, but he's on vacation with his wife.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Does one of you live here? Mrs.
Voorhees didn't tell me that she had a daughter.
Jacqueline? I'm her stepdaughter.
And you're what, the new Hunong? I'm Kimmy, and I'm going to have to tell your stepmother that you were drinking.
No, you don't.
I'm 15, and I'm pretty much your boss.
Um can you go? We're, like, in here.
Oh, my God.
No way, man.
I can't give you your security deposit back.
There's all kinds of wear on this thing.
That is ridiculous.
I treated this suit like a beautiful lady, which is to say, I did not touch it.
I'll take it off your hands, but you're not getting your deposit back.
Unacceptable.
I need that money to pursue my dream of stardom.
That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.
And I have sex with these costumes at night.
- Mrs.
Voorhees.
- Mm? - Um - Not now, Kimmy.
In preparation for Julian's return, I went to the gyno-dermatologist.
I need to lie down with my feet and heart above my vagina.
Uh, but I really need to talk to you about your stepdaughter.
Xanthippe? She's home already? Are her friends with her? They're so mean and cool.
Sometimes I look at them at Barney's from behind a pillar.
Her friends left, but I think you should know that they were drinking alcohol on purpose.
Okay, I can't deal with this right now.
Today is too important.
Just make sure Xanthippe is at Buckley's party.
But You're going to punish "Sam-pippy," right? You don't understand.
Being a stepmom isn't easy.
Xan isn't going to listen to me 'cause we're basically the same age.
Someone needs to ground her.
Okay.
You can try.
But don't cry in front of her, even if she calls you a MILF and then says, "Not!" And then everyone in the Admirals Club laughs at you.
Wait.
You want me to ground her? Yes, please.
What is all this? Oh, it's a superhero birthday party, just like you wanted.
I hope you're joking.
This looks like a party for a child.
But it is for a child.
This is a disaster.
Your color scheme clashes with the Givenchy romper I bought for this party.
Do you know what a Givenchy romper is? - This? - Oh, my God.
I'll wear something else.
But do you really expect my husband to fly 6,000 miles for paper plates, crinkle-cut fries, a Mexican candy animal? Is this my fault? Was I not clear? No, you were clear.
I can do better.
Please.
Please do.
Okay.
So I should spend As much money as you have to so that when Julian comes home, he knows that he's at his son's birthday party, not the reception for an Appalachian incest wedding.
Okay.
Guadalajara, Guadalajara Guadalajara, Guadala Hey! Jackass! We're working this car! We don't need no busted-up Iron Man stealing our tips.
I'm not Iron Man.
All I want to do is get rid of this stupid costume, but they won't give me my security deposit back.
Wait.
Is that from Ray Ray's Costume Depot? Yes.
He said it was damaged.
The same thing happened to us.
And my mother cleans our costumes every night after she tucks us into the bed we all share.
It's a scam.
This will not stand! áVámonos! Let's go! Julian should be here any minute.
How do I look? Like a million bucks! Wow.
I know you didn't mean that to be hurtful, but Where do you think you're going? Out.
Put down your Game Boy and look at me.
My what? Ew.
Your stepmother expects you to be at your half-brother's party when your full father gets here.
I'll be back in, like, an hour.
God.
Xanadu, you're grounded.
Xanthippe.
And what? By the power vested in me as an adult who is a grown-up, you're grounded.
Okay.
Kimmy, IMHO Pancakes.
Got it.
This is not gonna work, 'cause nannies like you I chew you up, and I spit you out, just like all my food.
I would call this back-talk, missy, and you're not just back-talking me.
Your stepmother asked me to ground you.
You know, Disney lies to little girls.
Stepmothers aren't scary, and nannies aren't magical, and dwarves do not let you sleep in their house without expecting something.
It's okay, Kimmy.
You can do this job.
Right, Vera? I don't know, chica hamburguesa.
I don't know.
So everyone here has tried to get out of this game? And no one got their deposit back? Hell, no! That man is cheating us out of our dreams.
That's right.
If I could get my deposit back, I could finally live my dream of no longer being a mariachi.
We got to do something.
- Have an orgy? - No.
Stop suggesting that.
Look, honey, it's Cookie Monster.
That's not Cookie Monster.
Jeez, I get enough of that at home.
But she's right, Dale.
You're not Cookie Monster.
And I'm not Iron Man.
And that is definitely not Miss Piggy.
I know what we're gonna do.
Hey, Super Buckley.
My mom said I can't open any presents until my dad gets home.
Aw.
That's the worst.
But I've got a little trick that might help.
I learned a long time ago that a person can stand just about anything for ten seconds.
How are you liking my Baby-Sitters Club Mystery, Sister Gretchen? I don't know.
Surfing, swimsuits A woman reading a book? Now let me have a turn on the Mystery Crank.
You haven't slept in days.
It's really no trouble.
See, you can stand anything for ten seconds.
Then you just start on a new ten seconds.
Nine, ten.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
One, two, three, four So, whether you're turning a heavy crank, the purpose of which is unknown to this day, or just waiting around to open some presents, all you got to do is Take it ten seconds at a time - Kimmy? - Huh? Can you help me, please? I've had the most amazing idea.
A scrunchy that's also a wallet? To make tonight extra special for Julian, I'm going to re-create our first date.
And you worked at the post office? I was a stewardess, and it was so romantic.
I was on Julian's NetJet flight back from Bush's second inauguration.
So, needless to say, he was DTF.
Then when we landed, we couldn't go back to his house because his wife was home, so we ended up going to his office instead.
And we snuggled all night because he fell asleep on top of me.
So is Mr.
Voorhees on his way? Well, I just texted his assistant, Rhonda.
Don't worry.
Fat.
And he should be wheels down any minute.
So make sure the kids are ready to yell "surprise" when he comes through the door.
Tonight's gonna be crazy debauchery.
Dexter's parents are both in the hospital from a skiing accident, so the apartment's totally empty.
I can't wait.
The babysitter tried to bust me for drinking, but I own her.
You guys, I was showering with Dr.
Jerry, and he told me he hates his wife.
- He said that? - You're so lucky! Remember how I was, like, so bummed I had to see my grandparents in California? Well, I met this surfer, like, blond, blue eyes, tan, okay? And he called me "Kelea" which is, like, a Hawaiian princess.
Anyway, he practiced surfing at night, and we'd meet up after and do it on the beach.
I have sex when I visit my grandparents too.
I have a birthday update.
My husband, Julian Voorhees, has, um not yet left London.
Obviously, you needn't stay, but we will not be opening presents until he gets here.
But can we have cake? I don't even know who you are.
I'm Cooper S.
Open the register, Ray.
Time to make like a dwarf at a jukebox and pay up.
Really? Am I supposed to be afraid of a Hello Kitty and a Cookie Monster? No.
But that's not what they are.
They're an Aloha Cat and a Treat Creature.
And I'm not Iron Man.
I'm Metal Hero Friend.
None of us are licensed, and by renting these costumes, you're infringing on the intellectual property of The Children's Television Workshop, Marvel Comics, Walt Disney, and Japan PervCo.
How'd you dirtbags find out about intellectual property? Who told? Let's just say I had some firsthand experience with Disney's copyright lawyers.
Wheeeeeeee Bobby Doop-doo Sanjaya Oh, no-no, wait Oh Fair enough.
Pay up, old man, every cent that you owe these losers.
Well Julian isn't coming at all.
He had to go back to Japan.
You might as well open your birthday presents, Buckley.
I did, and I already have all this stuff.
I'm sorry.
You're sorry? Look around you.
This birthday party was a catastrophe.
- And I hate superheroes.
- What are you talking about? You play with them all the time.
Because I'm pretending to be a super villain! I like how they blow up hospitals.
Well, this birthday party isn't about you.
I wanted everything to be perfect.
I mean, it had to be perfect, and he didn't even show up.
He's my husband.
He made a vow to me on Steve Wynn's boat.
And I never should have trusted you.
I did it, Kimothy.
I got my security deposit back.
I got rid of that robot costume, and I got to yell at an old white man.
Well, I'm sorry, Titus, but you can't stop working.
- Say what? - I have to quit my job.
No, no, no, no, no.
You can't do that.
One of us has to put food on my Barbie-themed TV trays.
You don't understand.
I can't do it.
This family The mother is having some sort of breakdown, while her stepdaughter is running around drinking and sexing.
The little boy is a devil, probably because the father is never around.
It sounds like this family either has no money or way too much.
Oh, they're super rich.
Their toilet has another reverse toilet next to it.
Oh, no, you cannot work there.
Rich New Yorkers are the worst.
They buy up buildings for themselves and ruin neighborhoods.
They're always inventing new types of dogs that the world doesn't need.
And what do they do with their money? They give it to charities to cure malaria in other countries.
Well, call me crazy, but I say cure malaria at home first.
These people have so many towels, and you're not allowed to use any of them! I don't blame you for bailing.
I mean, people like that need serious help.
I know that, Titus.
That's the problem.
I like helping people.
I'm good at it.
I helped you get your life back together.
I helped keep the Mole Women sane all those years.
And this morning, I helped an old man at the supermarket who needed me to get all that stuff out of his pockets.
But I don't know how to help the Vorheeseses.
Lil' Kim, there is nothing you can do to help these crazy people.
You're just a sweet girl with an eighth-grade education.
Almost.
You've read, like, two books in the last 15 years.
- You're not gonna - Urethra! That's it! The book! How did I not remember this? I can fix it.
I can fix everything! Titus, I need you to get your robot suit back.
But I already did something today.
Hey, Xan, going somewhere? You still work here? Cool.
Cool.
Um, one thing before you go Your boyfriend this summer, what did you say his name was Thrash? Yeah, Thrash.
When did I 'Cause I can't remember.
Did you tell me that he surfed at night so his nemesis Gonzo wouldn't sabotage his board again before the big competition? Or did I read about it? Everything you've said about your boyfriend is straight out of Baby-Sitters Club Mystery Number 12, colon, Dawn and the Surfer Ghost.
Isn't that right, Kelea? Or should I say, Xan? How did you know that? I only had two books with me down in the reading nook when I was growing up and this was one of them.
You cannot tell anyone about this.
Yeah.
It'd be a shame if Simone or Vidalia were to find out your story was a lie, a lie taken from a book for middle schoolers.
That's not true.
Those books are recommended for 12 and up.
"And up," Kimmy! Go to your room, Xan, 'cause you're fudging grounded.
I hate you! This is for your own good.
You're a kid, and childhood is precious.
It's okay that you're a virgin.
What is your deal? What kind of 29-year-old woman wears light-up Skechers? This isn't over.
I'm gonna figure you out, Kimmy, and then I'm gonna destroy you.
I know you are but what am I? Mrs.
Voorhees? Oh, Kimmy, perfect.
I forgot to actually fire you earlier.
Anyway, you're fired.
Just clean up downstairs and rotate the mattresses before you leave.
Okay, but just so you know, I grounded Xan.
She's in her room listening to a rock tape, and Buckley is downstairs having the best birthday of his life.
Die, Iron Man! Die! No! Did you really do all that? I did.
I'm sorry that the party wasn't what you wanted it to be.
It's not your fault.
I know I must seem crazy.
I just thought that if today were perfect, it would make a difference.
Kimmy, I think my marriage is falling apart.
Please, not in the crotch! It was supposed to be a two-week trip, but Julian's been gone for two months.
I was sure he was gonna come back for this.
And then he'd see me being the perfect mother and the perfect wife, and then later in the evening, the perfect foot slut.
You know, who among us is a perfect foot slut? I know.
Julian's probably cheating on me not with Fat Rhonda, obviously, but he's been in Japan a lot lately.
You can get a mistress in a vending machine there.
Kimmy, what's happening to me is the worst thing that's ever happened to any woman ever.
Mrs.
Voorhees do you think you can make it through the next ten seconds? I guess so.
Is it over? No, but it will be very soon.
And then you start on the next ten seconds.
Just take it ten seconds at a time.
Everything will be okay.
Oh, Kimmy, what would I do without you? You're my best friend.
Well, why don't you get some rest, Mrs.
Voorhees? Okay.
Kimmy, where do you think you're going? I need human contact.
Spoon me.
Mm.
One, two, three, four, five No! Look, look, look, look, look, look.
Iron Man is sorry, Professor Genocide.
I mean, you should blow up the hospital.
So truce? Oh.
Aw, damn it.
What white bitch got him golf clubs? You okay out there, Titus? I've made less for worse.
Thanks, Kimmy! Awesome party.
Good night, everybody!