Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s01e09 Episode Script

Oh, excuse me, sir? Sir? Today is my birthday.
The big 30-oh.
I need alcohol for my party, and these are the only picture IDs that I have.
Mr.
T visited kids with low test scores as part of his "I Pity the School" program.
So if I give you money, could you buy booze for me? I got some liquor in my van.
You can have all you want if you come to my van.
Your van? Awesome.
What is wrong with you, Kimbecile? Thank God I was out for my morning run to the gas station bathroom.
And I just turned 30.
I know the exact minute I was born because it was in my mom's lawsuit against the roller coaster.
Thirty.
Ooh! That's a big one.
Thirty's when women start making lists of everything they haven't done.
"I've not gone to Africa yet.
" You are not going to Africa.
Not me.
I'm nothing but pumped.
I hope tonight's everything you want it to be.
To quote Virginia Slim, a skinny Southern drag queen I know: "You've come a long way, baby.
" Uh, doy.
I'm getting my diploma, I have a boyfriend, and I finally have a bra that fits right, thanks to that bra salesman in the other van.
Damn it, Kimmy.
Ripped By mstoll That's gonna be, uh You know, uh, a fascinating transition.
So, what did you get me for my birthday? Heh.
Adults don't get gifts on their birthday.
What? That's insane.
Are you making that up because you haven't gotten me anything? How dare you.
I got you the greatest gift of all.
I am writing you a song.
A song? Really? Gee, that sounds like a lot of work.
Yes, it does.
It really does, Titus.
Gosh darn mommy-fudger.
What the ham sandwich are you doing here? Surprise.
Happy birthday, honey.
I hate you, Kimmy.
Hey, that's no way to talk to your sister.
Sister? Sister? Well, sweet Tia and Tamera Mowry.
Is this your family? They are not my family.
Oh! You are not real.
This is a dream.
You are not real.
Kimmy.
Ah! Thank God you're okay.
Who are you? I'm Randy Peterson, and I was the lead detective on your case.
I didn't actually find you.
An FBI psychic pig found you.
But being on this case is how I met your mother, which is the name of a terrific television program you missed but can now binge-watch on Netflix.
Boy, I envy you.
So you know my mother who, shocker, didn't show up today? Know her? I'm married to her.
And I would've made sure she was here today, but I don't know where she is.
I guess knowing where people is is not exactly my Is it pronounced "fortay" or "fort"? So while I was missing, my mom married the guy who didn't find me and then took off again.
And she had another daughter.
This is your sister, Kymmi.
You named her Kimmy? No, Kymmi.
K-Y-M-M-I, Kymmi.
That is not a name.
I hate you, Kimmy! I know you came here all the way from Indiana, but I don't want you in my life.
All you do is remind me of something I've been doing a good job of putting behind me.
The bunker? Yes, Randy, the bunker.
I'm sorry, but I don't want you here.
Boy, driving to New York sure was a great idea, Dad.
Hey, what did I say about using sarcasm, little lady? That you're not sure how it works.
Exactly.
But, look, if this is too much for you, I understand.
We probably shouldn't have barged in on you like this.
I just wanted to bring you your birthday present in person.
Well, here you go.
Well, I guess we ought to mosey on back to Durnsville.
Ugh! You know what? Tonight is more than just a party now, Titus.
That's my favorite sentence ever.
This is a fresh start.
Tonight is the beginning of my new life.
My first year as a grown-up, on my own, living aboveground.
Right, aboveground.
I know how sarcasm works, Titus.
Did he leave? Who? You know, the cop out front.
I knew he was a screw by his dumb stupid face.
Don't worry, Kimmy ran him off.
Ah! That's my girl.
I tell everybody, "Hands off.
Kimmy's a good kid.
She's no snitch.
" Stop! Hammertime.
Titus, were you joking about no presents? Because there's no card.
Did you get this for me? I did.
Oh, here's the card.
Not.
I did not.
Aw.
Clothes.
Hey, there's my birthday girl.
I love the shoes and the dress.
I'm gonna look like one of those fancy ladies who hangs out under the bridge.
Well, that's just the start of it.
I'm giving you 30 gifts today.
Like, more clothes or maybe a mix of fun things? You'll just have to wait to find out, won't you? So I'll see you tonight.
Oh, and FYI, they're coming out with a new iPhone today, which means all our old phones are gonna completely Damn it.
Ugh.
How do you even walk in these things? Oh, well, you know high heels were invented by a man, Kimmy, because no woman ever invented anything.
Well, I'm off to The Grind, and then I gotta head to work.
Have fun.
Are you gonna be back in time to help me set up for the party? That's boyfriend stuff.
Boyfriends arrive early and do all the boring stuff, like getting ice or this conversation.
All right.
A song about my friend Kimmy.
It's too hard.
Why did I say "song"? Ugh.
Man.
Hello, pretty monster.
Can I, um, help you with your wrap? And the most erotic thing is, we haven't seen each other's faces.
I can't believe you invited a stranger to my party, Titus.
He's not a stranger.
I have real deep feelings for Torso.
I also don't know his name.
Tonight is about the birthday girl because you can't spell "Kimmy" without "me.
" Yes, you can.
You have to.
Ugh! Make yourself useful and put together my playlist.
What is this? "Vanilla Ice"? "Hootie"? "Hanson"? Sorry, I don't know Hanson's current hits, Titus.
I haven't been to a Sam Goody since 1998.
I will handle the music.
And it will all be from after the year Christina Aguilera started eating hotdogs.
Thank you.
I still have a lot of stuff to do, and no Logan, by the way.
You were wrong about boyfriends showing up early.
Well, well, well.
Tonight, VC stands for "Very Chic.
" Thank you, Mrs.
Kimmy's friend.
Do you think you could help me? I need to sneak this bicycle inside.
Nobody's gonna wanna steal that hunk of No, it's Kimmy's birthday present.
I made it myself.
You didn't let me finish.
Hunk of crap.
It's rude to interrupt your elders.
I'm so sorry.
It's just, it took me weeks to make this, stealing parts from other delivery guys' bikes.
Yeah, okay, I'll help you get it in.
That's what she said.
"But how?" she continued.
I'm having a heart attack.
Lillian, do not die on me.
Oh, my God.
Look at her color and the smell.
She's already gone.
Uh, false alarm.
A little gas.
Dong, you're early.
I came to see if you need any help.
You're such a good friend.
I need help.
I did laundry and all my underwear is on the bed.
Could you fold it for me? - Hello? - Hello.
I'm on my way.
Great.
Could you bring some ice? Ice? As in frozen water? It's what boyfriends do, right? All right, then.
I'm off to the ice-ery.
I remember that.
Why do you keep playing the same song? These are all different.
Can you not tell house from electronica? No.
Can you at least play music that has words in it? I can't fix America.
The fuzz is back.
Everybody, just chill out.
It's okay, Lillian.
He's leaving.
Okay, Kimmy, I know you didn't want us messing up your fun party.
But funny story, I can't find the car.
Well, why don't you keep looking for it? I'm sure it'll only take you 15 years to find it.
Okay.
That's a fair hit but hurtful.
Also, I don't wanna take credit for something that an FBI pig did.
Okay, so we both got ice.
Are you also Kimmy's boyfriend? Boyfriend? No, I saw she was running low, so I went outside and this fell off an air conditioner and onto my head.
I didn't do it because I'm her boyfriend.
Where would I even take Kimmy out on a date? Ice skating and then hot chocolate, and it starts to snow and we fall to the ground, and we make snow oxen? As if.
Look, can I just borrow your phone? This RadioShack 1 G doesn't work anywhere where there's buildings.
Fine, but make it quick.
And don't talk to anyone here about me.
Oh, no, I can't talk about you with any of your amazing friends? Ugh! Hi.
Hey.
Well, I got ice.
Thank you.
By the way, who's that guy? Oh, him? He's just my friend.
Kaiser, sew, say.
Kaiser Sewsay.
No, no, I mean that chap.
Oh, that's Dong Nguyen.
He's my study buddy.
He's great at math and giving back rubs, and covering me with a blanket if I fall asleep.
You'd like him.
Dagnabbit.
Excuse me.
What are you doing? You're gonna laugh.
I had a corn chip in one hand and your phone in the other.
Long story short, I think I got all the onion dip off the phone, but I think there's still a few bite marks.
So you haven't called anyone? Randy, you can't stay here.
Why hasn't he shown up yet? Who? The mummy? What if he doesn't show up at all? What if he's just She's All That-sing me? All the monsters at work will laugh at me, like, "Ha, ha, ha.
" I'll be so embarrassed and scared.
Oh, my golly.
I threw this party to celebrate me, and everyone's making it about themselves.
You and your monster, Randy's car, whatever Kymmi's problem is, and could you please play some more appropriate music? Yes.
Something sad.
I need to get these feelings out.
Has no one gotten the birthday girl a drink? That's okay, Dong.
I don't Dong, you wang! You're right, Kimmy.
That was very Chinese of me.
I'll get ice.
Actually, Kimmy, I've got some ice right here.
Ah! Why? God, sorry, that was a terrible idea.
Jeez! Ah! But it's beautiful.
It'll be perfect to play Titanic with at the YMCA.
You'll do what with it? And thank you for all my gifts.
Bradley Bear.
Oh, so you just named him on your own then? That's fine.
And my bike.
I love it.
I'll ride it every day.
I'll be like, "Stupid pedestrians!" Well, I'm glad you like it.
Like it? I do like it.
That's my locket! Golly G.
Wilikers! Yes? I'm Goliath Gary Willikers.
Rude.
What the heck, Kymmi? This was my mom's.
She was my mom first.
Unh! My whole life has been about what happened to you.
Oh, sorry if me being trapped in a bunker for 15 years screwed up your life.
Your stupid face was on my milk.
I'm playing the world's tiniest violin.
And I'm smashing it with the world's tiniest hammer.
My violin's also a shark.
My dad won't let me do anything because of you.
I'm only allowed to ride my bike in the garage.
I've never gone trick-or-treating.
I don't have any friends.
Everyone hangs out at the Olive Garden, but I'm not allowed to go there.
I might as well be in a bunker.
That is offensive.
Also, there's an OG in Durnsville? And here I am, in New York, home of the Empire State Building of Olive Gardens.
It's three stories.
And do I get to go? No.
But you get mom's locket because you get everything.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, you're ruining my birthday! Of course it makes me feel better.
Milkface.
Ugh! Kymmi? Honey, what's wrong? Oh, look, Liam from One Direction is out here and he's looking for somebody to kiss.
If you don't come out, I'm gonna have to do it.
Okay.
I'm doing it.
Oh, he tastes like gingersnaps.
Yummy.
Kymmi? The mummy.
He came.
And he rides a motorcycle.
Or maybe one of those electric bicycles.
Stop talking, Titus, you're ruining this for me.
Hello, mummy.
Come to daddy.
You! You! Stupid birthday.
Stupid Kymmi.
Ugh! Why do these heels keep poking through the floor? Not because the floors are just painted dirt.
This is a real apartment.
How am I supposed to have a normal life if I can't even have a normal birthday? Thirty's tough for a woman.
You're still 17 years away from your sexual peak.
Unhand my couch, Fabian, or I will tell the gay Internet what a toothy kisser you are.
Sounds like a fight.
You better get out there so I can go through these coat pockets.
I bought this couch for you and you never paid me back.
You broke my heart when you made me go to the gym and I had a heart attack.
Yes, I'm still mad about that.
This is my birthday, dagnabbit! It's your own fault.
You should've Liam is pretty upset about all the stuff I did to him, so it'd be great if you could come out here and soothe him.
Okay, you give me no choice.
Damn it, Randy! That door doesn't lock.
Use the knob.
The knob.
Oh, no! Kymmi ran away.
Oh, my God.
She's gone.
All right, stay calm, Randy.
What would the psychic pig do? Oh.
Randy, I will call the police.
You go look for her.
Jeez, go look for her? In New York? At night? What if some wacko stabbed me with a hypodermic needle, and then I'm Jewish? Just go.
Can I borrow your bike? No.
Logan gave me that.
You'd lose it.
I would, I would.
Logan? Okay, this is no scarier than when I tried Indian food.
But this time, I'm gonna do it.
So you made Kimmy's bike? Certainly not.
The only thing I use my hands for is fixing another man's tie as a power move.
This sucks.
I feel like a little kid.
And my assistant bought the presents for Kimmy.
I just assumed the bike was one of them.
It was an honest mistake.
I built that bike because Kimmy is special to me.
I know.
I've been watching you, staring at her, all excited like a little boy who picked the lock on his daddy's Jodhpur armoire.
Your experiences are not universal! Oh, so it's pushy-shovesies, is it? Okay.
Say there, friends, do you think you could help a fella out? I was looking for a girl.
How do we know you're not a cop? Ha, ha.
Course I'm not.
Prove it.
Prove I'm not a cop? How in tarnation am I gonna do that? Do heroin in front of us.
Now, I should warn you, I was on my prep school's shadow-boxing team.
Well, I know Vovinam, the secret Vietnamese martial art.
Unh! Back attack.
Oh, time out.
My keys.
I don't know how that happened with the wall.
It's definitely not just old Valpaks covered in cake icing.
Take that.
Unh! Fine.
I'll kick you with the other foot, then.
Yeah? Go ahead, do it.
I'm going to.
Watch.
Quit talking about it and do it.
Stop it.
Why are you fighting? Bicycle is my present.
I made it because of love.
I assume you're talking about the tennis score because you did it for nothing.
Damn it.
Right.
Party over! Get out! Kimmy, please.
I No! Everyone out of my house! Yeah, you heard her.
This is a house.
Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you.
Somebody get Dong out of the wall! Okay.
Okay, look, you said you wanted to be an adult, have a grown-up party.
You, Kimmy Schmidt are no O.
J.
Simpson, because you did it.
What are you talking about? My birthday was a disaster.
Exactly.
What happened tonight? Your family upset you, your friends let you down, mostly Lillian.
Two guys got into a fight over you.
Pssh.
No.
Yeah? Pssh.
What? You made a scene in front of everyone.
Now you're crying, thinking about the passage of time.
Life is so short.
Girlfriend, you just had yourself an adult birthday party.
Being an adult is terrible.
Tell me about it.
In my next life, I'm coming back as a baby.
Thanks, Titus.
You're welcome, Titus' friend.
So can I hear the song you wrote for me? Oh, yeah.
It's not very good.
It can't be any worse than the stuff you played at the party.
Right.
Those songs from the last 15 years you didn't know.
Here's my song that I wrote for you.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
- Wrong girl.
- What's wrong with Vicki? You said young, pale, angry.
What's this guy's deal? Is he a cop? No, you should have seen how much heroin he did.
Okay, guys.
Just to put everyone's mind at ease, I'm gonna do a bunch more heroin.
Firework.
Thank you.
Wow, that's very catchy.
Some constructive criticism.
What? I don't think anyone says "a firework" singular.
It's "fireworks.
" Hm.
Also, "work" doesn't rhyme with "burst.
" And I'm not sure why you would compare me to a plastic bag, but I like it.
Great news, everybody.
I found Vicki.
What happened to you? Where is Kymmi? I don't know.
I never got past your stoop.
Oh, I am such a mess-up, Kimmy.
I never found you.
I lost your mom.
I let that stupid sign language-talking gorilla trick me into helping him escape from the Durnsville Zoo.
Bosco? And that's why I'm just trying to make everything right.
I know that I'm not your dad, but you and Kymmi are sisters.
And she really needs somebody she can look up to.
Randy, I don't always know what I'm doing either.
I mean, most of the time, I feel like I'm just blowing in the wind.
Wait a minute.
I am like a plastic bag.
I'm so sorry, Titus.
I don't know what I was thinking, showing up like this.
We were suddenly gonna be a family? Eating dinner together? You, me, Kymmi, Vicki.
Oh, Vicki, I know that we haven't spent much time together, but in that time, I feel like I know where Kymmi is.
Let's go.
Like we've made a really meaningful connection.
Randy! Bye, Vicki.
Kymmi.
How did you guys find me? Let's just say we could have used this one when we were looking for her.
Kymmi, I'm sorry that you hate your life, but I don't want you to hate me.
I know what it's like to have your childhood taken away, and I would not wish that on anyone.
Let alone my own sister.
Unh.
I am coming down so hard.
It hurts so bad.
I just need a little.
It sucks not getting to be a kid.
Yeah.
Well, at least you still have a chance.
Thanks, Kimmy.
Aw.
I love you guys so much.
I love you almost as much as I love heroin.
Hey, will you folks be dining with us family style? Yes.
Yes, we will.
Okay, it's not that big a deal.
Thanks.
What are you gonna have? I don't know.
I feel like they have to tell you what sauce Ripped By mstoll