Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s02e01 Episode Script
Kimmy Goes Roller Skating!
1 Oh, the weather outside is frightful Merry Christmas.
I made everyone stockings.
Lillian.
Titus.
Yours truly.
Mimi.
And Murasaki.
Murasaki doesn't do Christmas.
Gosh, I love Christmas: the music, untangling things, putting lights outdoors and trees indoors.
Say what? And we're all together with so much to celebrate: special friendships and new adventures and giving a final "Later, gator" to the problems of yester Yester urp.
You heard me.
Honey, you should see a doctor.
It's like a mouse died in the walls of your body.
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas to all of youse! Santa? Santa.
Oh, I can't kiss you.
I'm married.
The Jews took my painting.
Now it's a party.
Ho, ho, ho.
You ho.
Sonja? I'm gonna kill you.
Aah! Three months earlier on this mess I've been wanting to bring you to this place ever since I saw it was called Sliderz.
I apologize, though.
There aren't actually any slides in here.
But look at these tiny hamburgers.
They make you feel like a giant.
I'm gonna eat you up in one bite.
"Please, no, I have a family.
" This is so fun, Kimmy.
I'm so glad I ran away from my green card marriage to go on dates with you.
I'm a vegan.
Wait, what did you say? I said, "I'm a vegan.
" I thought you knew that when we met at that animal rights 5K.
Oh, I thought that was so animals could marry each other.
Well, I think this date is going Hated it.
Oh, it's hard because you're still hung up on your ex.
I get it.
I still think about my first love, Bobby.
We went to summer camp together on Roosevelt Island.
Little Bobby Durst.
He was my first crush.
Literally, he tried to crush me.
It's just, I waited 15 years to get my life back, and then I got a job, I got a boyfriend, but then the world was like, "Psych!" I know, dear, you want it all right now: the career, the husband, the teardrop tattoo.
But hey, have a little fun for five minutes.
Hey, let me take you out.
Ooh, I'm a great wingman.
Men find me very approachable because my eyes are large and my hair is like beautiful spaghetti.
I get 'em on the hook.
Then we'll slip 'em a disco biscuit and pull a switcheroo.
Get 'NSYNC, Kimberlake.
I got to go get divorced.
Oh, we're gonna paint the town red tonight.
Ooh, two questions.
Do you like Spanish guys, and can you roller-skate? Yes, but only frontways.
And probably.
Oh, wait, I said that backwards.
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it Hey, your house is that way, dummy.
Oh, my God, thank you.
I've been standing here for hours.
Watch out.
I pooped over there.
So, according to the license presented by Mrs.
Wilkerson, you two were married on June 6, 1998.
Barely.
And do you, Ronald Ephen Wilkerson, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? Mm-kay.
And Mrs.
Wilkerson claims that you abandoned her on June 6, 1998.
Wait a minute.
That's the same day.
Is it? I wouldn't know.
You left before we even did our first dance.
And you know our choreography was on point.
Mm, you dropped me every time.
I thought at least you ran away to be with a man.
But here you are, taking advantage of some other goofy girl dressed like she's on Scooby damn Doo.
Thank you.
I can't believe you, Ronald.
Do not call me Ronald.
Rah-nald.
You think you can walk away from your problems? Well, I found you, and I'm gonna sue you for 17 years' worth of spousal support, $400 for the wedding itself, and I want my bridal jacket back.
I'm gonna take everything you got, Ronald Wilkerson.
Really, Titus? You're just gonna run away from her again? I hear Montreal has a vibrant theater scene, so au revoir, les Felicieuses.
Maybe just go talk to Vonda.
You haven't spoken to her at all, and you guys were married.
Kim, you don't understand.
Mississippi was my bunker.
I start work Monday at Vonda's uncle's mulch business.
What's that you said? I said I start work Monday at Vonda's uncle's mulch business.
What now? I start work Monday at Vonda's uncle's mulch business.
What, dear? I said I'm a homosexual having a panic attack.
Oh, isn't that wonderful? And now, please welcome to the dance floor as they begin this second and final part of their lives, Mr.
and Mrs.
Ronald Wilkerson! Aren't you Ronald Wilkerson? Who me? No, sir.
I'm Titus Andromedon.
Ronald Wilkerson, show your face.
It took all the courage I had to escape.
Titus saved me from a life of babies and mulch.
Now Vonda's gonna take away this beautiful world I built for my Damn silverfish.
What if I go talk to Vonda? Maybe I could get through to her, woman to woman.
Ew.
I'll take her out for ice cream.
You can't be mad with a cone in your paw.
Okay, but just in case, I'm gonna keep on packing, at least until my blood sugar drops.
There it is.
We are here today to celebrate one of our own, Anthony Black Elk, who's going away to Dartmouth College in a few days.
Ugh.
Don't become some d-bag lacrosse player.
Honey, we invented lacrosse.
I don't think that's right.
Anthony, this sacred pipe, the chanunpa, was carved nine generations ago.
It survived Wounded Knee, and we used it to pray for our brothers in Vietnam.
And today we will ask the Great Spirit What the holy hell is this? It's a tobacco vape, Dad.
Katherine Heigl uses one.
Smoking kills, you guys.
Where is that pipe, Jackie Lynn? I held it in the air, and a hawk took it.
Jackie Lynn Oh, fine, it's in the hall closet behind the board games.
Addict.
Who is that? Jackie Lynn, just use your contact lenses.
You need the prescription.
No, Mom.
They turn my eyes blue.
And that's me giving in to white culture, with their drone wars and lip-sync battles.
Well, then order plain ones.
Yesterday I saw you try to milk a male buffalo.
Whatever, Mom.
It worked.
I put it in the fridge.
And when are you gonna give back that police car you showed up in? There's a raccoon living in it.
Oh, he's not living in it.
He got stuck in the back because of the prisoner locks and he died of heatstroke.
I know you mean well, but just stop trying to help.
But I want to help.
All I want is to be the daughter I should have been this whole time.
Just tell me what I can do, and I won't let you down.
I promise.
Well, you could go far, far in the fields and do the harvest super special important dance.
That sounds important.
I'll teach it to you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Aloha.
Oh, Jesus.
Look, the reason I called is 'cause Titus Dang! Lick it.
What's your deal? You're like a cartoon person.
Honestly, I don't even really want money from Ronald.
I just want him to apologize.
This might make me seem like a fool, Kimmy, but we loved each other.
I know we did.
I mean, I knew he liked men.
With Tim Meadows But he knew I liked skinny white boys.
David Spade.
Musical guest: Hootie & the Blowfish.
Neither of us could live our truth in Chickasaw County.
So I thought, "We gonna live our lie together.
" But that night, our wedding night, when they realized Ronald ran away, every one of his five aunties that raised him had a heart attack.
And he left me on that dance floor, alone, with no choice but to Robocop my way to the car.
That's terrible.
Ronald Wilkerson would have never done that to me.
That was your friend Titus.
I don't even recognize that man.
For what it's worth, he did get cheek implants that slipped.
You're the new me.
Look at you right now, trying to clean up his mess.
But once there's nothing else that Titus can get from you, he will leave you with an unpaid dental bill and a refrigerator full of spoiled wedding shrimp.
Watch your back.
And wash your arm, baby.
Oh.
Why are you late? Why did Mr.
Lawyer call an emergency meeting? Did Vonda do this? Titus, the way you bailed on her, have you ever done that to anyone else? A Sam Goody credit card.
My college football scholarship.
My cousin who got handsomer than me Stupid Darius.
Also, I'm not gonna pay this lawyer.
Well, I've got good news, and I've got bad news.
The bad news is, Instagram canceled my account due to lack of interest.
The good news is that in 2008, Ronald Wilkerson was declared legally dead by this woman! He'd been missing ten years.
With his diet, I was being generous.
Sick burn.
However, you did collect Mr.
Wilkerson's Social Security earnings, as well as the money from an insurance policy he took out on his legs.
I was inspired by Mary Hart to insure my assets at that time.
So because "Ronald Wilkerson" is dead, Ms.
Brooks, you can't sue him.
As a matter of fact, you may owe him about $500.
- What? - What? Well, I think we're done here.
Boom, bitch! Bye! I am not the one.
See you in the funny papers, Country Mouse.
You better call Jennifer Love Hewitt and Phil Rizzuto, because you owe a ghost money.
Okay? Unh, unh, unh! Unh! Good luck with that, Kimmy.
Lillian, do you think Titus would ever do to us what he did to Vonda? Chew up crackers and pretend to throw up on us after prom to get out of sex? I could see it happening, yes.
But who cares? We're going out.
We're gonna get more phone numbers than the NSA.
Political! Yes! Right.
Let's go life.
Oh, wait, I need something in here.
Oh, I'll be in Intimates.
Hi, I need a box of silverfish poison.
No, sir, ma'am.
That guy is buy the last one.
Kimmy? Dong.
You look well.
It's so nice to see you.
I'd like that.
How is your wife? Still Sonja? Yes, thank you.
Sonja and I are having people over for brunch tomorrow, and the silverfish ate all our towels.
Wow, your English is getting really well.
Thank you.
I didn't have you to help me anymore, so I started watching a lot of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
Well, it's working.
Aw, you're sweet.
Dong? My God.
You should come roller-skating with us.
What? Lillian, no.
Everyone knows you can't skate as a threesies.
Shut up.
As luck would have it, we'll be a foursome.
I just ran into my old flame, Bobby.
Okay, hi-hi.
I think Dong probably needs to get back to his wife, Lillian.
Actually, Sonja's at her Bikram hot yogurt class, and I do have to stay out of the apartment for seven hours after I set off the silverfish bomb.
So, yeah, that sounds amazing.
Well, perfect.
We'll be a foursome.
Come on.
I want this.
Like you do.
You're right.
I'm wrong.
You can feel it It protects us Boogie oogie, oogie, oogie Pray to the corn god He's corn-lectric Boogie oogie, oogie, oogie Why are you doing the white idiot wedding dance White idiot? Oh, my corn god.
So a brunch, huh? That's Frasier fancy.
It's just to impress the immigration officer.
Sonja and I have to be believably married for two years, and then I'll be a real American and get divorced.
Let's talk about something else.
Mm, I think Khloé is probably the smartest of the Kardashians 'cause, like, she makes the most sense.
I've never seen their show.
I just know that Kim is a butt star and married a rapper who hates college.
And Kourtney finally ended her destructive relationship with Scott.
Meanwhile, Kim's firing back at the haters with a naked pregnancy selfie.
Wait, how do I know all this? I saw it on the regular news.
Duh.
Your eyes look so pretty in the disco lights.
What? Oh, looking good, Red.
Lillian, how is this helping me? I need to find a new boyfriend.
Dong is married.
Yeah, but it's just a sham marriage like Titus and Vonda or Abe Lincoln, Mary Todd.
Political! It doesn't matter.
Some things are just wrong, like kissing a married person or tracing something and saying you drew it.
Kimmy We have a wonderful thing here in New York called moral relativism.
Where you're from, in the Midwest, people say, "I'll never cheat on my wife," or, "I'm not gay.
I'm a wrestling coach.
" And then one day, boof, the wheels come off, they do it all in one weekend, and drop dead.
Here, we say, "Eh, so I kissed a priest in a leather bar.
Who am I hurting?" No, I don't like that.
What a disaster.
If you want the sandwich, take the sandwich, of course.
Okay, bye-bye.
Right, wrong, ehh.
Ooh.
Oh.
Ooh.
You have so many more bones than Sonja.
I used to eat a lot of powdered milk.
Okay, bye.
Have a nice life.
I can't believe you lied to me.
I'm sorry, but we don't know what to do with you anymore.
Two silo explosions? How? If I knew, it wouldn't have happened twice.
Jackie Lynn, our town can't afford this.
We have so little money as it is.
The elders are having a sweat tonight to pray for a resolution to the Jackie Lynn situation.
- I want to go.
- No.
Stay away from the sweat lodge.
Jackie Lynn, you belong to another tribe now.
What does that mean? Maybe you should go back to New York.
Well okay.
If that's the way you feel.
Pew-pew! Pew! What are you doing? I'm shooting nightmares at you.
That's not how it works.
- Oh.
- An ihanbla gmunka.
It symbolizes connectivity.
If even one thread breaks, everything falls apart.
It's like you, Jackie Lynn.
You need to mend your web.
But your connections are back in Manhattan.
Nothing I ever do is good enough for this family.
I feel like Rob Kardashian! The sock designer? Why do I know that? Driver, just go around the block a few times.
Oh.
Right.
No.
No.
No.
The prisoner locks.
It's like a sweat lodge in here.
Help! Help! Coffee! Coffee! White idiot! White idiot.
Pizza party for one Divorced, dead, and having some fun Pizza party for one I don't have pizza.
What's wrong, Kim Blake Nelson? I don't know, Titus.
What is wrong? And what's right? And what's just ehh? I find that life is mostly gray areas, especially the parts I can't reach with moisturizer.
Uh-huh.
Is that why you thought it was okay to be so mean to Vonda? I don't know what you're referring to, because in the movie I saw, I was a hero scoring a legal victory for young run-a-gays everywhere.
You couldn't even apologize to her.
There are three things Titus Andromedon does not do: apologies, drag, and calculus.
I'm beginning to think maybe you were a better person back when you were Ronald Wilkerson.
Well, we'll never know 'cause Ronald Wilkerson's dead.
Oh, you are just Mr.
Sassafras Jeans today.
That's a dumb name for how fierce I'm being right now.
I want to talk to Ronald.
What? He was good and nice, and he's still in there somewhere.
I have many past lives inside me.
- I want to talk to Ronald.
- No! Titus Andromedon, let me speak to Ronald! Ronald no want to talk, please.
That was Murasaki.
I'll explain her later.
Ronald, you loved Vonda.
Leave us alone, lassie! Ooh, who was that? Ow.
Aah! I I I sure didn't want to hurt Vonda Jeanne.
I was scared to face her.
What if she wouldn't accept my apology? Shut up, Ronald, you nerd.
See? I knew it.
You need to embrace your Ronald, Titus.
For why? For me.
I'm your Vonda now.
How do I know you won't just pack up and run away from me? Because I probably won't.
Now, can I please eat my ham and clam pizza in peace? That's wrong.
Those toppings are wrong.
I will agree with you in 20 minutes.
But it doesn't matter, does it? 'Cause this is New York, where everyone's moral relatives.
Just order a deep-dish ham/clam, and some sicko will make it for you.
I'll have you know I didn't order these.
I found them.
Am I the only person in this city who doesn't just do whatevs whenevs? Well, fudge that sugar.
Fudge it to heck, where a demon with a thousand wee-wees fudges it forever! I'm crashing Dong's brunch! I'm sweating like an Indian in here.
It's okay.
I can say that.
I can say that.
Jackie Lynn, the hoop symbolizes unity.
I'm visioning.
We have so little money as it is.
Your house is that way, dummy.
You belong to a different tribe now.
Boogie oogie, oogie.
Corn god.
You are corn-lectric.
Just use your contacts.
Your connections are back in Manhattan.
In Manhattan How am I still a thing? - Connections.
- Back in Manhattan.
Lacrosse is our thing.
Contacts, contacts, contacts.
I know what I have to do! Kimmy! It's Sonja from GED class? Also, the cartoon Anastasia is about me.
Of course.
Sonja.
Hello.
Kimmy is our best friend.
Oh.
Were you at their wedding? Well, I wanted to be, but these two lovebirds eloped.
I'm not a bird today.
Kimmy.
- What are you - Listen.
I need to talk to you in private.
What are you doing here? Lookit, we had fun last night, right? Yeah.
But then things got weird.
Like when Kourtney squirted her breast milk on Kim's psoriasis.
Why do I know about that? Here's the thing: there are gray areas in life.
Sonja's is enormous.
Look, I know we both want to do the right thing, but I also can't wait anymore for my life to - Stop.
- Start.
Dead silverfish.
I guess the poison's working.
Oh, now there's one in your hair.
Hang on.
Kimmy, no.
We can't do this.
Look, I'm from the Midwest.
I believe in the sanctity of marr Silverfish.
But I also want to rub my mouth on your mouth so I don't boof.
Stop it.
All I want is not to be deported.
That's it.
What about last night? Last night was a mistake.
Lillian's hair looked like noodles.
I got caught up in it.
What if the immigration lady was also super into roller-skating? I could have lost everything.
- But - I think you should leave.
Maybe I'll see you in two years, then? Titus, what are you doing? Wow, so one fight and you're out of here? I've lost my job, my boyfriend, my favorite scrunchie, and now you? I don't want to talk about this, Kimmy.
I'm being dramatical.
Fine.
Go ahead.
Just run away from your problems again.
You can't keep running away forever, Titus.
Oh, I will keep following you.
You know I'm right! Your guilt will chase you wherever you go.
You can't escape, Titus! Has the train to Biloxi left yet? Nope.
It's running two hours late.
Vonda! Wait! Wait.
Vonda? Boy, good thing the train was late.
Ha.
You think we're a train company? We run late on purpose so people can find each other in romantical fashion.
Amtrak is for lovers.
Phillip? Sheila.
Vonda I'm sorry.
The friendship we had was deep and real, and I should've never abandoned you that way.
Maybe that's why I never called, 'cause I was afraid to hear how much I had hurt you.
But if you'll have me, I'd like to be your friend without benefits.
I'd like that.
And now, I'd like to pay you back a little of what I owe you.
Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time anywhere, Ms.
and Mr.
Vonda Jeanne Brooks and Titus Ronald Wilkerson-Andromedon-Yoshimura.
I'll explain that later.
Hey, baby You got to remember You know I am Dong.
Dong.
Racist.
Karen.
Hey.
Have you been hearin' the stories? They're goin' around All of my friends are talking Baby, just remember I gave you my heart Ain't no one gonna tear us apart He could promise the moon And the stars above Even if he promised me the world Just remember I'm forever your girl He could promise the world You got to remember I saw her Under the Manhattan moon There you were Crouching by your rowboat Near the Central Park lagoon Your hair was so curly Your eyes were so black Of course it made my heart beat faster Bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub I knew from the start That you'd break my heart And the burping What a disaster I love you Even though I'm crazy as a loon But it's all relative Yeah, it's live and let live Sometimes Under the Manhattan Moon Mm.
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!
I made everyone stockings.
Lillian.
Titus.
Yours truly.
Mimi.
And Murasaki.
Murasaki doesn't do Christmas.
Gosh, I love Christmas: the music, untangling things, putting lights outdoors and trees indoors.
Say what? And we're all together with so much to celebrate: special friendships and new adventures and giving a final "Later, gator" to the problems of yester Yester urp.
You heard me.
Honey, you should see a doctor.
It's like a mouse died in the walls of your body.
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas to all of youse! Santa? Santa.
Oh, I can't kiss you.
I'm married.
The Jews took my painting.
Now it's a party.
Ho, ho, ho.
You ho.
Sonja? I'm gonna kill you.
Aah! Three months earlier on this mess I've been wanting to bring you to this place ever since I saw it was called Sliderz.
I apologize, though.
There aren't actually any slides in here.
But look at these tiny hamburgers.
They make you feel like a giant.
I'm gonna eat you up in one bite.
"Please, no, I have a family.
" This is so fun, Kimmy.
I'm so glad I ran away from my green card marriage to go on dates with you.
I'm a vegan.
Wait, what did you say? I said, "I'm a vegan.
" I thought you knew that when we met at that animal rights 5K.
Oh, I thought that was so animals could marry each other.
Well, I think this date is going Hated it.
Oh, it's hard because you're still hung up on your ex.
I get it.
I still think about my first love, Bobby.
We went to summer camp together on Roosevelt Island.
Little Bobby Durst.
He was my first crush.
Literally, he tried to crush me.
It's just, I waited 15 years to get my life back, and then I got a job, I got a boyfriend, but then the world was like, "Psych!" I know, dear, you want it all right now: the career, the husband, the teardrop tattoo.
But hey, have a little fun for five minutes.
Hey, let me take you out.
Ooh, I'm a great wingman.
Men find me very approachable because my eyes are large and my hair is like beautiful spaghetti.
I get 'em on the hook.
Then we'll slip 'em a disco biscuit and pull a switcheroo.
Get 'NSYNC, Kimberlake.
I got to go get divorced.
Oh, we're gonna paint the town red tonight.
Ooh, two questions.
Do you like Spanish guys, and can you roller-skate? Yes, but only frontways.
And probably.
Oh, wait, I said that backwards.
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it Hey, your house is that way, dummy.
Oh, my God, thank you.
I've been standing here for hours.
Watch out.
I pooped over there.
So, according to the license presented by Mrs.
Wilkerson, you two were married on June 6, 1998.
Barely.
And do you, Ronald Ephen Wilkerson, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? Mm-kay.
And Mrs.
Wilkerson claims that you abandoned her on June 6, 1998.
Wait a minute.
That's the same day.
Is it? I wouldn't know.
You left before we even did our first dance.
And you know our choreography was on point.
Mm, you dropped me every time.
I thought at least you ran away to be with a man.
But here you are, taking advantage of some other goofy girl dressed like she's on Scooby damn Doo.
Thank you.
I can't believe you, Ronald.
Do not call me Ronald.
Rah-nald.
You think you can walk away from your problems? Well, I found you, and I'm gonna sue you for 17 years' worth of spousal support, $400 for the wedding itself, and I want my bridal jacket back.
I'm gonna take everything you got, Ronald Wilkerson.
Really, Titus? You're just gonna run away from her again? I hear Montreal has a vibrant theater scene, so au revoir, les Felicieuses.
Maybe just go talk to Vonda.
You haven't spoken to her at all, and you guys were married.
Kim, you don't understand.
Mississippi was my bunker.
I start work Monday at Vonda's uncle's mulch business.
What's that you said? I said I start work Monday at Vonda's uncle's mulch business.
What now? I start work Monday at Vonda's uncle's mulch business.
What, dear? I said I'm a homosexual having a panic attack.
Oh, isn't that wonderful? And now, please welcome to the dance floor as they begin this second and final part of their lives, Mr.
and Mrs.
Ronald Wilkerson! Aren't you Ronald Wilkerson? Who me? No, sir.
I'm Titus Andromedon.
Ronald Wilkerson, show your face.
It took all the courage I had to escape.
Titus saved me from a life of babies and mulch.
Now Vonda's gonna take away this beautiful world I built for my Damn silverfish.
What if I go talk to Vonda? Maybe I could get through to her, woman to woman.
Ew.
I'll take her out for ice cream.
You can't be mad with a cone in your paw.
Okay, but just in case, I'm gonna keep on packing, at least until my blood sugar drops.
There it is.
We are here today to celebrate one of our own, Anthony Black Elk, who's going away to Dartmouth College in a few days.
Ugh.
Don't become some d-bag lacrosse player.
Honey, we invented lacrosse.
I don't think that's right.
Anthony, this sacred pipe, the chanunpa, was carved nine generations ago.
It survived Wounded Knee, and we used it to pray for our brothers in Vietnam.
And today we will ask the Great Spirit What the holy hell is this? It's a tobacco vape, Dad.
Katherine Heigl uses one.
Smoking kills, you guys.
Where is that pipe, Jackie Lynn? I held it in the air, and a hawk took it.
Jackie Lynn Oh, fine, it's in the hall closet behind the board games.
Addict.
Who is that? Jackie Lynn, just use your contact lenses.
You need the prescription.
No, Mom.
They turn my eyes blue.
And that's me giving in to white culture, with their drone wars and lip-sync battles.
Well, then order plain ones.
Yesterday I saw you try to milk a male buffalo.
Whatever, Mom.
It worked.
I put it in the fridge.
And when are you gonna give back that police car you showed up in? There's a raccoon living in it.
Oh, he's not living in it.
He got stuck in the back because of the prisoner locks and he died of heatstroke.
I know you mean well, but just stop trying to help.
But I want to help.
All I want is to be the daughter I should have been this whole time.
Just tell me what I can do, and I won't let you down.
I promise.
Well, you could go far, far in the fields and do the harvest super special important dance.
That sounds important.
I'll teach it to you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Aloha.
Oh, Jesus.
Look, the reason I called is 'cause Titus Dang! Lick it.
What's your deal? You're like a cartoon person.
Honestly, I don't even really want money from Ronald.
I just want him to apologize.
This might make me seem like a fool, Kimmy, but we loved each other.
I know we did.
I mean, I knew he liked men.
With Tim Meadows But he knew I liked skinny white boys.
David Spade.
Musical guest: Hootie & the Blowfish.
Neither of us could live our truth in Chickasaw County.
So I thought, "We gonna live our lie together.
" But that night, our wedding night, when they realized Ronald ran away, every one of his five aunties that raised him had a heart attack.
And he left me on that dance floor, alone, with no choice but to Robocop my way to the car.
That's terrible.
Ronald Wilkerson would have never done that to me.
That was your friend Titus.
I don't even recognize that man.
For what it's worth, he did get cheek implants that slipped.
You're the new me.
Look at you right now, trying to clean up his mess.
But once there's nothing else that Titus can get from you, he will leave you with an unpaid dental bill and a refrigerator full of spoiled wedding shrimp.
Watch your back.
And wash your arm, baby.
Oh.
Why are you late? Why did Mr.
Lawyer call an emergency meeting? Did Vonda do this? Titus, the way you bailed on her, have you ever done that to anyone else? A Sam Goody credit card.
My college football scholarship.
My cousin who got handsomer than me Stupid Darius.
Also, I'm not gonna pay this lawyer.
Well, I've got good news, and I've got bad news.
The bad news is, Instagram canceled my account due to lack of interest.
The good news is that in 2008, Ronald Wilkerson was declared legally dead by this woman! He'd been missing ten years.
With his diet, I was being generous.
Sick burn.
However, you did collect Mr.
Wilkerson's Social Security earnings, as well as the money from an insurance policy he took out on his legs.
I was inspired by Mary Hart to insure my assets at that time.
So because "Ronald Wilkerson" is dead, Ms.
Brooks, you can't sue him.
As a matter of fact, you may owe him about $500.
- What? - What? Well, I think we're done here.
Boom, bitch! Bye! I am not the one.
See you in the funny papers, Country Mouse.
You better call Jennifer Love Hewitt and Phil Rizzuto, because you owe a ghost money.
Okay? Unh, unh, unh! Unh! Good luck with that, Kimmy.
Lillian, do you think Titus would ever do to us what he did to Vonda? Chew up crackers and pretend to throw up on us after prom to get out of sex? I could see it happening, yes.
But who cares? We're going out.
We're gonna get more phone numbers than the NSA.
Political! Yes! Right.
Let's go life.
Oh, wait, I need something in here.
Oh, I'll be in Intimates.
Hi, I need a box of silverfish poison.
No, sir, ma'am.
That guy is buy the last one.
Kimmy? Dong.
You look well.
It's so nice to see you.
I'd like that.
How is your wife? Still Sonja? Yes, thank you.
Sonja and I are having people over for brunch tomorrow, and the silverfish ate all our towels.
Wow, your English is getting really well.
Thank you.
I didn't have you to help me anymore, so I started watching a lot of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
Well, it's working.
Aw, you're sweet.
Dong? My God.
You should come roller-skating with us.
What? Lillian, no.
Everyone knows you can't skate as a threesies.
Shut up.
As luck would have it, we'll be a foursome.
I just ran into my old flame, Bobby.
Okay, hi-hi.
I think Dong probably needs to get back to his wife, Lillian.
Actually, Sonja's at her Bikram hot yogurt class, and I do have to stay out of the apartment for seven hours after I set off the silverfish bomb.
So, yeah, that sounds amazing.
Well, perfect.
We'll be a foursome.
Come on.
I want this.
Like you do.
You're right.
I'm wrong.
You can feel it It protects us Boogie oogie, oogie, oogie Pray to the corn god He's corn-lectric Boogie oogie, oogie, oogie Why are you doing the white idiot wedding dance White idiot? Oh, my corn god.
So a brunch, huh? That's Frasier fancy.
It's just to impress the immigration officer.
Sonja and I have to be believably married for two years, and then I'll be a real American and get divorced.
Let's talk about something else.
Mm, I think Khloé is probably the smartest of the Kardashians 'cause, like, she makes the most sense.
I've never seen their show.
I just know that Kim is a butt star and married a rapper who hates college.
And Kourtney finally ended her destructive relationship with Scott.
Meanwhile, Kim's firing back at the haters with a naked pregnancy selfie.
Wait, how do I know all this? I saw it on the regular news.
Duh.
Your eyes look so pretty in the disco lights.
What? Oh, looking good, Red.
Lillian, how is this helping me? I need to find a new boyfriend.
Dong is married.
Yeah, but it's just a sham marriage like Titus and Vonda or Abe Lincoln, Mary Todd.
Political! It doesn't matter.
Some things are just wrong, like kissing a married person or tracing something and saying you drew it.
Kimmy We have a wonderful thing here in New York called moral relativism.
Where you're from, in the Midwest, people say, "I'll never cheat on my wife," or, "I'm not gay.
I'm a wrestling coach.
" And then one day, boof, the wheels come off, they do it all in one weekend, and drop dead.
Here, we say, "Eh, so I kissed a priest in a leather bar.
Who am I hurting?" No, I don't like that.
What a disaster.
If you want the sandwich, take the sandwich, of course.
Okay, bye-bye.
Right, wrong, ehh.
Ooh.
Oh.
Ooh.
You have so many more bones than Sonja.
I used to eat a lot of powdered milk.
Okay, bye.
Have a nice life.
I can't believe you lied to me.
I'm sorry, but we don't know what to do with you anymore.
Two silo explosions? How? If I knew, it wouldn't have happened twice.
Jackie Lynn, our town can't afford this.
We have so little money as it is.
The elders are having a sweat tonight to pray for a resolution to the Jackie Lynn situation.
- I want to go.
- No.
Stay away from the sweat lodge.
Jackie Lynn, you belong to another tribe now.
What does that mean? Maybe you should go back to New York.
Well okay.
If that's the way you feel.
Pew-pew! Pew! What are you doing? I'm shooting nightmares at you.
That's not how it works.
- Oh.
- An ihanbla gmunka.
It symbolizes connectivity.
If even one thread breaks, everything falls apart.
It's like you, Jackie Lynn.
You need to mend your web.
But your connections are back in Manhattan.
Nothing I ever do is good enough for this family.
I feel like Rob Kardashian! The sock designer? Why do I know that? Driver, just go around the block a few times.
Oh.
Right.
No.
No.
No.
The prisoner locks.
It's like a sweat lodge in here.
Help! Help! Coffee! Coffee! White idiot! White idiot.
Pizza party for one Divorced, dead, and having some fun Pizza party for one I don't have pizza.
What's wrong, Kim Blake Nelson? I don't know, Titus.
What is wrong? And what's right? And what's just ehh? I find that life is mostly gray areas, especially the parts I can't reach with moisturizer.
Uh-huh.
Is that why you thought it was okay to be so mean to Vonda? I don't know what you're referring to, because in the movie I saw, I was a hero scoring a legal victory for young run-a-gays everywhere.
You couldn't even apologize to her.
There are three things Titus Andromedon does not do: apologies, drag, and calculus.
I'm beginning to think maybe you were a better person back when you were Ronald Wilkerson.
Well, we'll never know 'cause Ronald Wilkerson's dead.
Oh, you are just Mr.
Sassafras Jeans today.
That's a dumb name for how fierce I'm being right now.
I want to talk to Ronald.
What? He was good and nice, and he's still in there somewhere.
I have many past lives inside me.
- I want to talk to Ronald.
- No! Titus Andromedon, let me speak to Ronald! Ronald no want to talk, please.
That was Murasaki.
I'll explain her later.
Ronald, you loved Vonda.
Leave us alone, lassie! Ooh, who was that? Ow.
Aah! I I I sure didn't want to hurt Vonda Jeanne.
I was scared to face her.
What if she wouldn't accept my apology? Shut up, Ronald, you nerd.
See? I knew it.
You need to embrace your Ronald, Titus.
For why? For me.
I'm your Vonda now.
How do I know you won't just pack up and run away from me? Because I probably won't.
Now, can I please eat my ham and clam pizza in peace? That's wrong.
Those toppings are wrong.
I will agree with you in 20 minutes.
But it doesn't matter, does it? 'Cause this is New York, where everyone's moral relatives.
Just order a deep-dish ham/clam, and some sicko will make it for you.
I'll have you know I didn't order these.
I found them.
Am I the only person in this city who doesn't just do whatevs whenevs? Well, fudge that sugar.
Fudge it to heck, where a demon with a thousand wee-wees fudges it forever! I'm crashing Dong's brunch! I'm sweating like an Indian in here.
It's okay.
I can say that.
I can say that.
Jackie Lynn, the hoop symbolizes unity.
I'm visioning.
We have so little money as it is.
Your house is that way, dummy.
You belong to a different tribe now.
Boogie oogie, oogie.
Corn god.
You are corn-lectric.
Just use your contacts.
Your connections are back in Manhattan.
In Manhattan How am I still a thing? - Connections.
- Back in Manhattan.
Lacrosse is our thing.
Contacts, contacts, contacts.
I know what I have to do! Kimmy! It's Sonja from GED class? Also, the cartoon Anastasia is about me.
Of course.
Sonja.
Hello.
Kimmy is our best friend.
Oh.
Were you at their wedding? Well, I wanted to be, but these two lovebirds eloped.
I'm not a bird today.
Kimmy.
- What are you - Listen.
I need to talk to you in private.
What are you doing here? Lookit, we had fun last night, right? Yeah.
But then things got weird.
Like when Kourtney squirted her breast milk on Kim's psoriasis.
Why do I know about that? Here's the thing: there are gray areas in life.
Sonja's is enormous.
Look, I know we both want to do the right thing, but I also can't wait anymore for my life to - Stop.
- Start.
Dead silverfish.
I guess the poison's working.
Oh, now there's one in your hair.
Hang on.
Kimmy, no.
We can't do this.
Look, I'm from the Midwest.
I believe in the sanctity of marr Silverfish.
But I also want to rub my mouth on your mouth so I don't boof.
Stop it.
All I want is not to be deported.
That's it.
What about last night? Last night was a mistake.
Lillian's hair looked like noodles.
I got caught up in it.
What if the immigration lady was also super into roller-skating? I could have lost everything.
- But - I think you should leave.
Maybe I'll see you in two years, then? Titus, what are you doing? Wow, so one fight and you're out of here? I've lost my job, my boyfriend, my favorite scrunchie, and now you? I don't want to talk about this, Kimmy.
I'm being dramatical.
Fine.
Go ahead.
Just run away from your problems again.
You can't keep running away forever, Titus.
Oh, I will keep following you.
You know I'm right! Your guilt will chase you wherever you go.
You can't escape, Titus! Has the train to Biloxi left yet? Nope.
It's running two hours late.
Vonda! Wait! Wait.
Vonda? Boy, good thing the train was late.
Ha.
You think we're a train company? We run late on purpose so people can find each other in romantical fashion.
Amtrak is for lovers.
Phillip? Sheila.
Vonda I'm sorry.
The friendship we had was deep and real, and I should've never abandoned you that way.
Maybe that's why I never called, 'cause I was afraid to hear how much I had hurt you.
But if you'll have me, I'd like to be your friend without benefits.
I'd like that.
And now, I'd like to pay you back a little of what I owe you.
Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time anywhere, Ms.
and Mr.
Vonda Jeanne Brooks and Titus Ronald Wilkerson-Andromedon-Yoshimura.
I'll explain that later.
Hey, baby You got to remember You know I am Dong.
Dong.
Racist.
Karen.
Hey.
Have you been hearin' the stories? They're goin' around All of my friends are talking Baby, just remember I gave you my heart Ain't no one gonna tear us apart He could promise the moon And the stars above Even if he promised me the world Just remember I'm forever your girl He could promise the world You got to remember I saw her Under the Manhattan moon There you were Crouching by your rowboat Near the Central Park lagoon Your hair was so curly Your eyes were so black Of course it made my heart beat faster Bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub I knew from the start That you'd break my heart And the burping What a disaster I love you Even though I'm crazy as a loon But it's all relative Yeah, it's live and let live Sometimes Under the Manhattan Moon Mm.
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!