Undateable (2014) s03e02 Episode Script
A Won't They Walks Into a Bar
I've had this hairstyle for so long Do you think it makes me look old? Oh no, sweetie.
It just makes you look like you have been alive a long time.
Hey, hey, hey give me my phone back, give it back to me - Give me my phone back.
- Not going to do it - Give it back to me.
- No! Hey! Danny deleted Scandal before I had a chance to watch it.
So, to teach him a lesson about touching other people's stuff, I took his phone.
I think I'll start by texting this girl named "Hot Julie".
Can't make it tonight and you should get tested.
OK, you know what? Two can play that game.
Give me that.
And texting your mom.
Finally realized I'm gay.
Making love to Brett as we speak.
Oh, Oh, she responded: "we always knew, say hi to Brett.
" Oh, you are funny fine! Oh, well I'm going to tweet all your followers.
"Help, I'm lonely Please call me on my cell on 313-525-2014.
" That is not fair! Now everyone is going to call or text me at my number: 313-525-2014.
I also just accepted your Aunt Patty's request to play "Candy Crush.
" No! She's divorced and lonely! Give me that back! Give it back to me.
Oh, uh Hello? Hello.
Yeah, it's me.
What do you mean how have I been? Good.
I don't know you.
I got to go.
I'm at work, ok? A little too friendly for my liking.
Listen, man.
I'm sorry.
That I, uh, I deleted "Scandal" by accident.
Okay? The DVR queue was full because I've been catching up on all the old shows that I like to watch.
Alright? Side-note, I watched "Game of Thrones".
They should definitely change that name from "Game of Thrones" to "Who's that guy again, Oh, never mind, he's dead.
" I love "Game of Thrones.
" The books are so different to the TV show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it.
You're British, you know how to read.
OK? Dude, don't ruin it for me OK? I hate spoilers.
Really? I love spoilers.
I always want to know exactly what's going to happen.
Yeah, but then you miss all the big surprise twisty endings.
Yeah, I've had enough of those in my life.
I can still hear my mom's voice: "Surprise: I lost my job Surprise: We're homeless.
Surprise: It's your birthday, I got you a pet Guinea pig.
Oh wait! Surprise: Turns out it's not a Guinea pig, and you might have rabies.
" She got you a birthday rat? Yeah so basically I'm not interested in anything unless I know there's going to be a happy ending.
Oh, actually that reminds me, I have a massage in 20 minutes.
I wish I knew.
[Phone ringing.]
It's your doing, dude.
I wish I knew if "Scandal" had a happy ending this week.
I mean, my best friend Scott Foley is on it.
Dude, you met him one time, alright? - he's not your friend.
- Not my friend? Yeah, he is! - That's not how I sound.
- Really? He's not my friend.
I sound more like that.
If he's not my friend, why'd he tweet me back today? All I wrote him was "Hey Scotty Bear, write me back or I'm gonna show up at your house.
" I found the address.
I don't know, maybe he responded because uh, out of fear of getting murdered? You're funny.
You're a funny guy.
You are a funny, funny guy.
So you, hate spoilers, do you? What shows are you watching? "Empire?" Yeah, I like watching the show Empire.
It's one of my favourite shows.
You know I like any show where one of the main characters names is "Cookie" Pretty much that just leaves "Empire" and "Sesame Street.
" I was thinking about catching up on Wednesday's show tonight.
Haha, don't bother.
Cause Lucious got out of prison, Cookie and Hakeem form their new label.
Lucious tried to double cross everybody by getting together with Kitty Booboo.
Or Boo-Boo Kitty depending on how you want to talk about that person.
Then at the end Lucious steals Hakeem's Latina girl group and buys all the radio stations in the country, and tells Cookie he's not going to play any of her songs, but Cookie reminds that you can't keep Cookie down.
I'm going to kill him.
I'm going to kill him.
I'm going to kill him! I'm going to kill him! I'm going to No, no, no.
This is why you got to watch it right when it comes out, Danny.
Live.
Oh, look at this, look at this I got a baseball play-off update in the fourth inning.
The Mets are beating the Dodgers 1-0 Why are you telling me about sports? You know I don't care about sports.
That'd be like me giving you a fashion update.
Hey Justin fashion play-offs.
Uhhhh His shorts versus his shirt.
Shorts horrible vs shirt terrible.
- Oh, don't you listen to him Justin.
- Yeah, I think you're sexy.
- Oh, don't you listen to her Justin! - Wait up, did you just call Justin sexy? - Heck yeah, I did.
- Hold on, hold on, hold on one second.
I didn't realize this but definitely this is what happened.
Candace fell and hit her head and now she doesn't know what the word sexy means.
Candace I'm going to give you a short concussion test.
Please, follow Follow my finger.
Follow my finger.
Follow my finger.
Not sexy.
Follow my finger.
Follow my finger.
Follow it.
Follow it.
Sexyyyy.
Look, we just wanted you guys to know that uh, Candace and I we're gonna Try dating.
So funny I never knew it was right in front of me this whole time.
This is going to be great because it's going to be easy for me to remember your anniversary because uh, today October Justin Bieber's penis on the Internet.
Yeah, well, as romantic as that is we are actually going to start tomorrow.
Well in that case I will look at it tomorrow as well.
Yeah, then we are waiting until tonight at midnight so our anniversary will be October 10.
Yeah, see in numerology ten symbolizes sudden changes and harmony.
When it comes to harmony, 2, 3, 4 We always sound better together Ewwww! Was that rehearsed? Hell, no, Brett Yo bitch! Come on Danny, you don't seem too happy for us.
Yeah, I know, this thing happens whenever I hear someone sing like that.
I get this headache from a medical condition called "ears" Doesn't bother me It's not like I stay at home fantasizing about how you would react.
Uh, yes you did.
Let's hear it.
Oh, you would be walking away when I told you.
I see your, knees buckle a little bit.
I'd catch you, I turn you around and pinch you and say "Yeah, this is real.
" You'd smile big but not with your mouth but with your eyes, You know, the way you do when you see a new puppy or an Asian girl with blond hair.
I do like both of those things.
And you'd say "congrats" and I'd say "yeah I'm a lucky guy.
" And then you'd grab me you would say "no, look at me Justin she's a lucky girl.
She's a lucky, lucky girl.
" Then we would hug and go out and celebrate.
- Hey, can I go with you? - If you want to.
Attention, bar! Leslie has asked me to give her a big introduction.
Ladies and gentleman! Boys and girls! Children of all ages! You know her as the "Happy Hour Hurricane", the "Booty and the Beast" Weighing in at 100 and whatever will not get me bitch-slapped Leslie "New Haircut" Burton! Oh my God, you look awesome! Thanks, I feel great about it.
I would've been here sooner but I was in my car, crying.
So, call it Brett, do I get the gay man's seal of approval? Well, on behalf of gays everywhere, I officially upgrade your haircut from "Shaggy Dog" to "Fierce Bitch".
Alright Bursk, let's hear it I'm sorry, I'm texting with my girlfriend.
Whatever, I think I look great.
Anyway, I think this might be my thing for a while.
That's the same thing I feel about having sex with very tall women.
Yeah, you heard me.
Wait, that girl is dating you? And she knows it? Yeah.
She just thinks I'm cool and classy and smart.
But you're none of those things I know! Hahaha! It's so awesome.
A few minutes till we start dating Well, when we do, I have a huge surprise for you.
Uh, yeah, I've seen you in bike shorts, it's a medium sized surprise.
Isn't this great.
I mean, Justin and I are getting together.
Burski has a girlfriend.
Leslie is serious with Mike.
Shelly is already on that giant woman's lap.
Even Brett's found a guy.
Yep, it is quite titillating.
He's uh, recently divorced and not sure he is gay yet.
- Ah, have you had sex? - Oh yeah.
He's pretty sure.
- Like everybody found a special someone.
- Oh, not everyone, Haha.
Still so alone.
.
You're like Matt Damon in "Martian" Stuck on a planet.
Smart enough to get off.
Never dated my best friend before It's so weird.
I guess it's really not like that weird.
I haven't dated my worst enemy, so Raccoon who stole my hat yesterday, you're not getting any of this.
You guys know dating a friend makes it immediately more serious.
Yeah, but Justin has just has as much at risk as I do.
Mmmmmmhhh! What was that? What was that noise? I didn't make any noise.
Yeah you did You made a noise right after she said I have just as much to risk as she does.
Mmmmmmhhh! Okay, okay, We were just talking.
Danny, I told you I need spoilers.
So, if you know anything about how this is gonna go, you have to tell me.
Well, uh, look, I mean, I mean it's not a huge deal.
It's just, you know, uh, Maybe you do have a little more to lose than Justin because, I mean we have all known him a lot longer than we've known you so if you guys ended up breaking up I mean, he would keep us as friends.
Oh, oh, What? What? But, but, but Listen um Who knows what the future's gonna hold, you know? We don't know.
Maybe later today, Danny will get hit by a bus.
Fingers crossed.
Yeah, uh, I'm not worried about that because you guys were friends with Nicki before she started dating Justin and you guys are all still tight, right? - [All.]
Mmmmmmhhh! - Hey! Stop making that noise! Look at me.
Look at me.
Here it is.
Ten seconds 'til we're dating.
Just think about this every day we spend together will be better than the last alright? Four, three, two, one - Uh, Justin um, we should talk about this.
- Flowers and champagne for the new couple? Oh look, it's TV's Scott Foley! I know, I'm here, it's exciting.
Listen, once I heard my best pal, Justin was starting a new relationship, I just knew I had to come down here.
Well, there's a little bit of a speed bump.
Oh, buddy.
Well, uh.
.
Look on the bright side: I'm still on "Scandal.
" This is just like when I was a kid and my doctor told me I had to get my appendix out.
I felt like I was losing part of myself and I couldn't stop crying.
Then my mom told me to write a note.
You know what that note to my appendix said, Candace? What did it say? "I can't believe you don't want to be with me.
" Justin! I'm not your appendix okay?.
I would never say that to you! But, I just didn't realize how much is at stake until Danny - said all that stuff.
- You're welcome.
I just need to go on one of my thinking walks.
Sweetie, this is Detroit.
You know my rule about your night time thinking walks.
Take your thinking bat.
Justin, I'll be back in a few.
Take all the time you need.
Oh man, what a bummer.
Sucks man Certainly seems like one of those things that just happens and is definitely no one's fault.
You better hope this works out.
Or I'm going to kill you.
Yeah, why'd you mess with his relationship, man? He's just depressed because he's the only one of us who isn't with anybody.
Oh you know what? She's actually right you know.
I get so lonely, it is kind of hard for me to find someone Oh wait a second Hey, pretty girl near the bar, - You want to go out sometime? - Sure.
Oh look at that, I just turned my life around! All I did was tell Candace the truth okay? I'm always just telling my friends the truth, okay? Well, how would you like it if I started - telling you the truth all the time? - I'd love it.
Are you joking? because I'd love it.
Are you serious? I would actually love it.
I would love it okay.
But be careful, be careful okay? Because you know how the saying goes? If you're in truth houses then maybe and you're gonna throw truth stones around there you never know what could happen if you break the truth house.
You do not want to have a truth battle with me, my friend.
Oh really? Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Truth battle accepted.
Uhhh, I pee in our shower.
Truth: so do I.
OK, truth: every time you text me and I texted you back "lol," I never once laughed out loud.
Never ever! Truth: If you shaved you look like a 40 year old hawk Well caw, caw, bro Truth: if you take your shirt off your body looks like a big bag of mayonnaise.
I've had enough of this.
I don't have time for this.
I'm gotta go talk to Candace and get her back here.
You think you are the star, huh? Well, guess what buddy? You're not the star around here.
Bridgit Mendler is more famous than you! Truth! That actually hurt my feelings a little bit.
You got to give me one reason why that girl is with him.
Alright, I'll give you four: green card, hired escort, organ theft, or most likely, Burski created her using a 3-D printer.
Or maybe she is trying to get back at her dad.
But then she should do what most pretty white girls do: get a tattoo or have a biracial baby.
I got this.
Check this out.
Hey excuse me, Karli or Jane or whatever the hell your name is.
Uh, Um, I got a question.
Do you know there are other men? - What? - I'm out of ideas.
OK, maybe we should get going.
I don't understand how a girl like that ends up with him.
There is my shoulder, you're doing good, step Oooohhh! She thinks She thinks he's blind! I'll see you later.
- I'm just kidding.
- Okay.
Okay, uh, before you judge me let me explain how this happened.
- Too late, guilty.
- I didn't do it on purpose.
I got my eyes dilated.
Carly helped me sit down, and we hit it off.
Kind of hit it off I didn't know she thought I was blind until later that night.
I just thought she liked holding my arm and leading me around the park.
And describing what trees look like.
- Why didn't you just tell her? - Cause I panicked Leslie And by then it was too late to say anything.
Has she asked you why you wear glasses? Yeah, uh, I said I wear them ironically.
I figured it shows I have a good sense of humor about my blindness.
I need to find a way to tell her the truth without losing her.
I need your help.
Well, you could just tell her that you are a lying disgusting pig that took advantage of a woman's mistakes.
No, No that isn't it.
Uh, you could say you've got an evil twin.
I do have a twin.
He has a crystal meth addiction though.
I don't see him often.
Oh, because of the drugs? Oh no.
He just travels a lot.
He's an airline pilot for Continental.
Look, I went out to get you because I figured out a way to fix this.
Now, you know how you need spoilers and you need to know there's a happy ending? Well, what if I could promise, you that even if we don't work out, you wouldn't lose all your friends? - How? - Simple.
We Have a friend draft.
We each take turns selecting friends until everyone's divvied up.
This way, if we break up, those are the friends you keep.
What I like about this idea is that it definitely won't end in hurt feelings.
Yeah, you know what? Shelly's right.
No matter what happens one team will lose unless someone here knows a way to make two Dannys.
No one wants two Dannys.
Yeah, you're right, you know what? Two Danny's isn't enough Danny's You need more Dannys.
Okay? You'd need a work Danny, a home Danny, you need a party Danny, Malibu beach Danny, you need a nanny Danny to help with the kids.
You need a granny Danny to help with the kids when nanny Danny can't help.
And then you also need a Danny Glover Danny.
He's too old for this crap.
Oh! And you know what? Also, what would be really cool is to have an international super villain Danny.
Hey, I have put a bomb inside your brain and it will explode if you do not blow up Mount Rushmore - now! Ahahaha! Gutentag and Wundabar! But do-o-o-n't worry! Don't you fret OK? Cause we got CIA secret agent Danny here to save the day.
Give me the gun, German Danny! No! No! No! That's my gun! No it's my gun.
I'm the real Danny! No, I'm the real Danny.
I'm for real Danny! Ahahaha! Give it to me! Give it to me! Ha! - What, what was this bit at the end? - Oh, I took out the clip of the gun and I took the bullet out of the chamber and slid it across the floor and it went into a pool.
Alright.
No idea why you said that.
Alright listen We should get to more mature stuff, alright? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2015 friend draft.
Candace will make the first selection.
Dude, alright I hate to drop another truth bomb on you, but you know what dude? Uhhh, you're not doing anything here alright? Nobody here, especially Candace, doesn't want to do your dumb friend draft .
- I pick Leslie.
- I'll take Brett! - I'll take Shelly! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa You guys probably figured that since I was making fun of the friend draft that I'm not going to be a part of the friend draft.
But it turns out surprise.
Actually, I am going to be part of the friend draft.
- So, Justin go ahead and pick me - I will take my best friend, - TV's Scott Foley.
- Great choice! I'm great in an ensemble! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Okay, okay! Wrestle time.
You know what dude? you didn't do anything.
Alright? The only thing you accomplished is now Shelly knows you like Brett more than him That's not true! I only picked Brett because I've known him longer.
Shelly understands.
Isn't that right Shelly? My plan, I'm going to answer that by saying something my grandma said to my grand father every morning.
I hope you die today.
- Can you believe this crap? - I was the first overall pick, - so you all can suck it.
- Oh! Big words from the Justin Bieber haircut over here.
You know, I was there when Felicity cut her hair, so I know what a huge mistake looks like.
You watch your mouth, Scott Foley! Hey! TV's Scott Foley! - TV's Scott! - Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! I like it, I like it a lot.
It happens everyday.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Leave him alone! He's mine! I feel like we've exposed a lot of secrets right there.
Okay, wow, Justin, come here.
We're not even dating yet, and look at us.
Ok.
You don't understand.
My life hasn't been easy okay? I grew up on the streets.
I've been alone.
I haven't had any friends.
Didn't you have like a street friend? - Do you think being homeless is funny? - No, no.
- Is that the response? - No, no.
I love I don't think it's funny, either, just going on record.
You don't call them street friends.
Anyway, I finally built a life for myself with all these wonderful people in it and I don't want to risk losing them.
I don't want to risk losing you as a friend.
I'm sorry.
I don't think I can be with you right now.
I'm not saying never.
I'm just saying not right now.
I'm sorry No, That's ok.
When you're ready I'll be here waiting for you, whether it's a day from now or even two days from now.
[Sighs.]
Been a rough day.
Yeah, Brett left because he's so sad.
He should be back in a minute right? No, he was so upset with next this is maybe my handiwork, huh? Yeah, you have been a real jerk.
He should be here soon.
Not like there's many people waiting for him.
Whatever.
As awkward as that relationship is, It's definitely not as awkward as that one right there.
Blue is my favourite color.
I wish you could see blue.
Yeah, if I had to pick a color that would be the one I would want to see.
Listen Karli, um, there's something I need to be honest with you about.
Oh good, I love honesty from the start or I'm out of there, you know.
Yep, I do know.
Honesty from the start.
That's what I want to you consider this moment from now on to be as a start of us, agreed? I think when we met was the start No, I mean call me a romantic, but I think of that as the beginning.
This Please hear me: this is the start of us.
Then honesty from the beginning.
That's not what you said though.
I can't take this anymore.
Those are the greatest things I've ever seen.
I mean those are the greatest things sensed.
You're not blind? We're done.
Lose my number.
Why would you do that, Leslie? I actually liked this girl I was just about to tell her - Can you believe him? - What? I can't believe you used your boozems for evil.
You know with a great rack comes great responsibility.
You only did that because you're jealous.
Can you believe these two Shelly? They're like some weird brother sister partnership that goes around wrecking everyone's relationships.
Me.
What are you talking about? We have already been over this.
With Candace and Justin all I did was tell them the truth.
Okay? Oh, so you still hiding behind the truth.
Well, truth battle, Danny.
Truth! You look like a dead camel from the camel cigarettes was a real person.
Ok, all right.
Truth battle accepted.
Truth! You know deep down you'd rather be on the Jerrod Carmichael show.
I love that guy.
Truth! you're my friend and I love you.
Truth, you're playing the truth battle wrong and making me feel so bad.
Look Danny! That's because you deserve it.
any one of us could have told Candace that relationships fizzle out and it's much harder dating a friend.
But no-one said anything because sometimes being a good friend is about the things you don't say.
I'm the worst.
I feel so bad about what I did.
Hey, come on! It'll grow back.
- Hey.
- Why did you do that? - You have a boyfriend.
- Every time I see you you make some crude comment about how great my body is or how hot I am.
Do you have any idea how that feels like? It's awesome.
You know, even when I wake up feeling crappy about myself I know you are here to pick me up and I know it is so selfish I guess I was afraid of losing that.
You're not going to lose that, Leslie.
You're with Mike now but I really believe we're going to end up together.
Do you know that every girl that I'm with is just practice for you? That's so sweet.
Can you just end that thought right there without ruining it? I can, however I don't think I want to.
Leslie, you see if I date enough girls I will be so much better at sex for you.
I mean I'm practicing on my own but it's just not the same.
It's just a different animal.
Yeah, we're back.
Look, I called Karli.
I told her how great you are and this is my fault.
She wants to you drop by.
I am so sorry.
Apology accepted.
Uhhhh, Leslie, I didn't tell you earlier.
I actually think your haircut is awesome.
It brings out your eyes.
It makes you look even more beautiful.
Thanks.
Hey, dude.
Uh, I'm glad you're here.
- We need to talk.
- What do you want Danny? Uh, you know that really gross word you're supposed to use when you feel bad because you hurt your best friend's feelings? Apologize? Ouch.
Yeah, that's the one.
Look man, when I was younger I hated saying that word because it made me feel weak, so my mom told me could I substitute instead of that word, my favorite "Star Wars" character.
Why are you telling me this? Because Justin, I want you to know from the bottom of my heart I Chewbacca.
I really do, I can't Chewbacca enough and I just, will you please, please accept my Chewbacca.
[Laughing.]
You are such an idiot.
Dude, I'm not an idiot I just want you to be happy OK, you know Candice likes you, ok? Why don't you just go and convince her to be with you? I wish I could but you know what? She's right.
It's too much of a risk for her.
I can't put her in that position.
- I care about her too much.
- Okay.
Fine, you've gotta do what you've gotta do right? I guess I can't convince you.
I just want to go on record man.
I sincerely honestly believe you're making a huge Jar Jar Binks.
Yeah, I can't really talk right now, ok, because I'm busy doing something Okay, bye.
What are you guys doing? Watching Justin and Candace taking turns stealing glances at each other.
Alright, well I mean how long is this supposed to last? Well, if the past two hours are any indication, forever.
And now everyone's gonna have to watch this all year long.
Mmm-hmmm I love a good "will they, won't they.
" It worked great on "Cheers" and "Friends.
" Come on man, I love "Friends.
" Don't ruin it for me I hate spoilers! - Come on - Ross and Rachel end up together.
Oh, come on! Damn it! Which one's Rachel? Any of us watching this knows they're gonna end up together eventually.
Yep, but thanks to Danny we have to wait.
This could easily last all winter.
You mean that we have to sit here and watch this repetitive tripe, all season? Dude, whatever I can't take this anymore.
Hey Candace, okay At first I thought it was Justin's fault that you two didn't wind up together because uh, too insecure to push you and get together.
He always puts other people before himself.
Yeah, I know, it's his worst quality and I'm trying to break him of it.
But anyway, none of that matters now okay? because it's not his fault.
It's your fault.
You know why? Because you're a chicken Candace I don't care that it hurts your feelings because I'm not going to Chewbacca for saying it.
I'm not a chicken, Danny.
That's actually the interesting thing about chickens is that you can't really convince them to do anything.
You just have to push them.
So, I've got an idea.
You know what my cheesiest move is to pick up girls is? Is it the way you dress like you're my age even though you're closer to my dad's age? I got to stop guessing because I'm just going to tell you why, OK.
Okay, The chemistry test.
That's what I use.
Now, the funny thing about the chemistry test is that it's real Okay, now if you really like someone a lot you kind of feel like there's a you kind of feel like there's a personal connection and you get really close to them and I mean invade their personal space like - so then you can't not kiss them.
- What if we don't kiss.
Then you're just not meant to be together.
Oh, this is suspenseful.
Danny, you're the one who told me I might Yeah, that's right, you might not be able to be friends with us if things go sour.
and you know what? That's true Danny, leave her alone!!! You're making her uncomfortable! She doesn't like it and I don't like it either! - Okay - I'm sorry! I like how you're still playing my game but stop screaming in her face, okay? Listen Candice, I know that you want me to promise me there will be a happy ending and I know you like spoilers but I can't give that, so you yourself have to decide if Justin is worth the risk.
I'm sorry.
Danny, he's putting you in the middle.
- Wait, does this mean we're dating? - Yeah.
- I'm so happy.
- Yeah, me too.
- I'm a lucky guy.
- No, no, no, no, no! She's a lucky girl.
She's a lucky, lucky girl.
I'm a lucky guy.
No, no, no.
She's a lucky girl.
It just makes you look like you have been alive a long time.
Hey, hey, hey give me my phone back, give it back to me - Give me my phone back.
- Not going to do it - Give it back to me.
- No! Hey! Danny deleted Scandal before I had a chance to watch it.
So, to teach him a lesson about touching other people's stuff, I took his phone.
I think I'll start by texting this girl named "Hot Julie".
Can't make it tonight and you should get tested.
OK, you know what? Two can play that game.
Give me that.
And texting your mom.
Finally realized I'm gay.
Making love to Brett as we speak.
Oh, Oh, she responded: "we always knew, say hi to Brett.
" Oh, you are funny fine! Oh, well I'm going to tweet all your followers.
"Help, I'm lonely Please call me on my cell on 313-525-2014.
" That is not fair! Now everyone is going to call or text me at my number: 313-525-2014.
I also just accepted your Aunt Patty's request to play "Candy Crush.
" No! She's divorced and lonely! Give me that back! Give it back to me.
Oh, uh Hello? Hello.
Yeah, it's me.
What do you mean how have I been? Good.
I don't know you.
I got to go.
I'm at work, ok? A little too friendly for my liking.
Listen, man.
I'm sorry.
That I, uh, I deleted "Scandal" by accident.
Okay? The DVR queue was full because I've been catching up on all the old shows that I like to watch.
Alright? Side-note, I watched "Game of Thrones".
They should definitely change that name from "Game of Thrones" to "Who's that guy again, Oh, never mind, he's dead.
" I love "Game of Thrones.
" The books are so different to the TV show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it.
You're British, you know how to read.
OK? Dude, don't ruin it for me OK? I hate spoilers.
Really? I love spoilers.
I always want to know exactly what's going to happen.
Yeah, but then you miss all the big surprise twisty endings.
Yeah, I've had enough of those in my life.
I can still hear my mom's voice: "Surprise: I lost my job Surprise: We're homeless.
Surprise: It's your birthday, I got you a pet Guinea pig.
Oh wait! Surprise: Turns out it's not a Guinea pig, and you might have rabies.
" She got you a birthday rat? Yeah so basically I'm not interested in anything unless I know there's going to be a happy ending.
Oh, actually that reminds me, I have a massage in 20 minutes.
I wish I knew.
[Phone ringing.]
It's your doing, dude.
I wish I knew if "Scandal" had a happy ending this week.
I mean, my best friend Scott Foley is on it.
Dude, you met him one time, alright? - he's not your friend.
- Not my friend? Yeah, he is! - That's not how I sound.
- Really? He's not my friend.
I sound more like that.
If he's not my friend, why'd he tweet me back today? All I wrote him was "Hey Scotty Bear, write me back or I'm gonna show up at your house.
" I found the address.
I don't know, maybe he responded because uh, out of fear of getting murdered? You're funny.
You're a funny guy.
You are a funny, funny guy.
So you, hate spoilers, do you? What shows are you watching? "Empire?" Yeah, I like watching the show Empire.
It's one of my favourite shows.
You know I like any show where one of the main characters names is "Cookie" Pretty much that just leaves "Empire" and "Sesame Street.
" I was thinking about catching up on Wednesday's show tonight.
Haha, don't bother.
Cause Lucious got out of prison, Cookie and Hakeem form their new label.
Lucious tried to double cross everybody by getting together with Kitty Booboo.
Or Boo-Boo Kitty depending on how you want to talk about that person.
Then at the end Lucious steals Hakeem's Latina girl group and buys all the radio stations in the country, and tells Cookie he's not going to play any of her songs, but Cookie reminds that you can't keep Cookie down.
I'm going to kill him.
I'm going to kill him.
I'm going to kill him! I'm going to kill him! I'm going to No, no, no.
This is why you got to watch it right when it comes out, Danny.
Live.
Oh, look at this, look at this I got a baseball play-off update in the fourth inning.
The Mets are beating the Dodgers 1-0 Why are you telling me about sports? You know I don't care about sports.
That'd be like me giving you a fashion update.
Hey Justin fashion play-offs.
Uhhhh His shorts versus his shirt.
Shorts horrible vs shirt terrible.
- Oh, don't you listen to him Justin.
- Yeah, I think you're sexy.
- Oh, don't you listen to her Justin! - Wait up, did you just call Justin sexy? - Heck yeah, I did.
- Hold on, hold on, hold on one second.
I didn't realize this but definitely this is what happened.
Candace fell and hit her head and now she doesn't know what the word sexy means.
Candace I'm going to give you a short concussion test.
Please, follow Follow my finger.
Follow my finger.
Follow my finger.
Not sexy.
Follow my finger.
Follow my finger.
Follow it.
Follow it.
Sexyyyy.
Look, we just wanted you guys to know that uh, Candace and I we're gonna Try dating.
So funny I never knew it was right in front of me this whole time.
This is going to be great because it's going to be easy for me to remember your anniversary because uh, today October Justin Bieber's penis on the Internet.
Yeah, well, as romantic as that is we are actually going to start tomorrow.
Well in that case I will look at it tomorrow as well.
Yeah, then we are waiting until tonight at midnight so our anniversary will be October 10.
Yeah, see in numerology ten symbolizes sudden changes and harmony.
When it comes to harmony, 2, 3, 4 We always sound better together Ewwww! Was that rehearsed? Hell, no, Brett Yo bitch! Come on Danny, you don't seem too happy for us.
Yeah, I know, this thing happens whenever I hear someone sing like that.
I get this headache from a medical condition called "ears" Doesn't bother me It's not like I stay at home fantasizing about how you would react.
Uh, yes you did.
Let's hear it.
Oh, you would be walking away when I told you.
I see your, knees buckle a little bit.
I'd catch you, I turn you around and pinch you and say "Yeah, this is real.
" You'd smile big but not with your mouth but with your eyes, You know, the way you do when you see a new puppy or an Asian girl with blond hair.
I do like both of those things.
And you'd say "congrats" and I'd say "yeah I'm a lucky guy.
" And then you'd grab me you would say "no, look at me Justin she's a lucky girl.
She's a lucky, lucky girl.
" Then we would hug and go out and celebrate.
- Hey, can I go with you? - If you want to.
Attention, bar! Leslie has asked me to give her a big introduction.
Ladies and gentleman! Boys and girls! Children of all ages! You know her as the "Happy Hour Hurricane", the "Booty and the Beast" Weighing in at 100 and whatever will not get me bitch-slapped Leslie "New Haircut" Burton! Oh my God, you look awesome! Thanks, I feel great about it.
I would've been here sooner but I was in my car, crying.
So, call it Brett, do I get the gay man's seal of approval? Well, on behalf of gays everywhere, I officially upgrade your haircut from "Shaggy Dog" to "Fierce Bitch".
Alright Bursk, let's hear it I'm sorry, I'm texting with my girlfriend.
Whatever, I think I look great.
Anyway, I think this might be my thing for a while.
That's the same thing I feel about having sex with very tall women.
Yeah, you heard me.
Wait, that girl is dating you? And she knows it? Yeah.
She just thinks I'm cool and classy and smart.
But you're none of those things I know! Hahaha! It's so awesome.
A few minutes till we start dating Well, when we do, I have a huge surprise for you.
Uh, yeah, I've seen you in bike shorts, it's a medium sized surprise.
Isn't this great.
I mean, Justin and I are getting together.
Burski has a girlfriend.
Leslie is serious with Mike.
Shelly is already on that giant woman's lap.
Even Brett's found a guy.
Yep, it is quite titillating.
He's uh, recently divorced and not sure he is gay yet.
- Ah, have you had sex? - Oh yeah.
He's pretty sure.
- Like everybody found a special someone.
- Oh, not everyone, Haha.
Still so alone.
.
You're like Matt Damon in "Martian" Stuck on a planet.
Smart enough to get off.
Never dated my best friend before It's so weird.
I guess it's really not like that weird.
I haven't dated my worst enemy, so Raccoon who stole my hat yesterday, you're not getting any of this.
You guys know dating a friend makes it immediately more serious.
Yeah, but Justin has just has as much at risk as I do.
Mmmmmmhhh! What was that? What was that noise? I didn't make any noise.
Yeah you did You made a noise right after she said I have just as much to risk as she does.
Mmmmmmhhh! Okay, okay, We were just talking.
Danny, I told you I need spoilers.
So, if you know anything about how this is gonna go, you have to tell me.
Well, uh, look, I mean, I mean it's not a huge deal.
It's just, you know, uh, Maybe you do have a little more to lose than Justin because, I mean we have all known him a lot longer than we've known you so if you guys ended up breaking up I mean, he would keep us as friends.
Oh, oh, What? What? But, but, but Listen um Who knows what the future's gonna hold, you know? We don't know.
Maybe later today, Danny will get hit by a bus.
Fingers crossed.
Yeah, uh, I'm not worried about that because you guys were friends with Nicki before she started dating Justin and you guys are all still tight, right? - [All.]
Mmmmmmhhh! - Hey! Stop making that noise! Look at me.
Look at me.
Here it is.
Ten seconds 'til we're dating.
Just think about this every day we spend together will be better than the last alright? Four, three, two, one - Uh, Justin um, we should talk about this.
- Flowers and champagne for the new couple? Oh look, it's TV's Scott Foley! I know, I'm here, it's exciting.
Listen, once I heard my best pal, Justin was starting a new relationship, I just knew I had to come down here.
Well, there's a little bit of a speed bump.
Oh, buddy.
Well, uh.
.
Look on the bright side: I'm still on "Scandal.
" This is just like when I was a kid and my doctor told me I had to get my appendix out.
I felt like I was losing part of myself and I couldn't stop crying.
Then my mom told me to write a note.
You know what that note to my appendix said, Candace? What did it say? "I can't believe you don't want to be with me.
" Justin! I'm not your appendix okay?.
I would never say that to you! But, I just didn't realize how much is at stake until Danny - said all that stuff.
- You're welcome.
I just need to go on one of my thinking walks.
Sweetie, this is Detroit.
You know my rule about your night time thinking walks.
Take your thinking bat.
Justin, I'll be back in a few.
Take all the time you need.
Oh man, what a bummer.
Sucks man Certainly seems like one of those things that just happens and is definitely no one's fault.
You better hope this works out.
Or I'm going to kill you.
Yeah, why'd you mess with his relationship, man? He's just depressed because he's the only one of us who isn't with anybody.
Oh you know what? She's actually right you know.
I get so lonely, it is kind of hard for me to find someone Oh wait a second Hey, pretty girl near the bar, - You want to go out sometime? - Sure.
Oh look at that, I just turned my life around! All I did was tell Candace the truth okay? I'm always just telling my friends the truth, okay? Well, how would you like it if I started - telling you the truth all the time? - I'd love it.
Are you joking? because I'd love it.
Are you serious? I would actually love it.
I would love it okay.
But be careful, be careful okay? Because you know how the saying goes? If you're in truth houses then maybe and you're gonna throw truth stones around there you never know what could happen if you break the truth house.
You do not want to have a truth battle with me, my friend.
Oh really? Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Truth battle accepted.
Uhhh, I pee in our shower.
Truth: so do I.
OK, truth: every time you text me and I texted you back "lol," I never once laughed out loud.
Never ever! Truth: If you shaved you look like a 40 year old hawk Well caw, caw, bro Truth: if you take your shirt off your body looks like a big bag of mayonnaise.
I've had enough of this.
I don't have time for this.
I'm gotta go talk to Candace and get her back here.
You think you are the star, huh? Well, guess what buddy? You're not the star around here.
Bridgit Mendler is more famous than you! Truth! That actually hurt my feelings a little bit.
You got to give me one reason why that girl is with him.
Alright, I'll give you four: green card, hired escort, organ theft, or most likely, Burski created her using a 3-D printer.
Or maybe she is trying to get back at her dad.
But then she should do what most pretty white girls do: get a tattoo or have a biracial baby.
I got this.
Check this out.
Hey excuse me, Karli or Jane or whatever the hell your name is.
Uh, Um, I got a question.
Do you know there are other men? - What? - I'm out of ideas.
OK, maybe we should get going.
I don't understand how a girl like that ends up with him.
There is my shoulder, you're doing good, step Oooohhh! She thinks She thinks he's blind! I'll see you later.
- I'm just kidding.
- Okay.
Okay, uh, before you judge me let me explain how this happened.
- Too late, guilty.
- I didn't do it on purpose.
I got my eyes dilated.
Carly helped me sit down, and we hit it off.
Kind of hit it off I didn't know she thought I was blind until later that night.
I just thought she liked holding my arm and leading me around the park.
And describing what trees look like.
- Why didn't you just tell her? - Cause I panicked Leslie And by then it was too late to say anything.
Has she asked you why you wear glasses? Yeah, uh, I said I wear them ironically.
I figured it shows I have a good sense of humor about my blindness.
I need to find a way to tell her the truth without losing her.
I need your help.
Well, you could just tell her that you are a lying disgusting pig that took advantage of a woman's mistakes.
No, No that isn't it.
Uh, you could say you've got an evil twin.
I do have a twin.
He has a crystal meth addiction though.
I don't see him often.
Oh, because of the drugs? Oh no.
He just travels a lot.
He's an airline pilot for Continental.
Look, I went out to get you because I figured out a way to fix this.
Now, you know how you need spoilers and you need to know there's a happy ending? Well, what if I could promise, you that even if we don't work out, you wouldn't lose all your friends? - How? - Simple.
We Have a friend draft.
We each take turns selecting friends until everyone's divvied up.
This way, if we break up, those are the friends you keep.
What I like about this idea is that it definitely won't end in hurt feelings.
Yeah, you know what? Shelly's right.
No matter what happens one team will lose unless someone here knows a way to make two Dannys.
No one wants two Dannys.
Yeah, you're right, you know what? Two Danny's isn't enough Danny's You need more Dannys.
Okay? You'd need a work Danny, a home Danny, you need a party Danny, Malibu beach Danny, you need a nanny Danny to help with the kids.
You need a granny Danny to help with the kids when nanny Danny can't help.
And then you also need a Danny Glover Danny.
He's too old for this crap.
Oh! And you know what? Also, what would be really cool is to have an international super villain Danny.
Hey, I have put a bomb inside your brain and it will explode if you do not blow up Mount Rushmore - now! Ahahaha! Gutentag and Wundabar! But do-o-o-n't worry! Don't you fret OK? Cause we got CIA secret agent Danny here to save the day.
Give me the gun, German Danny! No! No! No! That's my gun! No it's my gun.
I'm the real Danny! No, I'm the real Danny.
I'm for real Danny! Ahahaha! Give it to me! Give it to me! Ha! - What, what was this bit at the end? - Oh, I took out the clip of the gun and I took the bullet out of the chamber and slid it across the floor and it went into a pool.
Alright.
No idea why you said that.
Alright listen We should get to more mature stuff, alright? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2015 friend draft.
Candace will make the first selection.
Dude, alright I hate to drop another truth bomb on you, but you know what dude? Uhhh, you're not doing anything here alright? Nobody here, especially Candace, doesn't want to do your dumb friend draft .
- I pick Leslie.
- I'll take Brett! - I'll take Shelly! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa You guys probably figured that since I was making fun of the friend draft that I'm not going to be a part of the friend draft.
But it turns out surprise.
Actually, I am going to be part of the friend draft.
- So, Justin go ahead and pick me - I will take my best friend, - TV's Scott Foley.
- Great choice! I'm great in an ensemble! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Okay, okay! Wrestle time.
You know what dude? you didn't do anything.
Alright? The only thing you accomplished is now Shelly knows you like Brett more than him That's not true! I only picked Brett because I've known him longer.
Shelly understands.
Isn't that right Shelly? My plan, I'm going to answer that by saying something my grandma said to my grand father every morning.
I hope you die today.
- Can you believe this crap? - I was the first overall pick, - so you all can suck it.
- Oh! Big words from the Justin Bieber haircut over here.
You know, I was there when Felicity cut her hair, so I know what a huge mistake looks like.
You watch your mouth, Scott Foley! Hey! TV's Scott Foley! - TV's Scott! - Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! I like it, I like it a lot.
It happens everyday.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Leave him alone! He's mine! I feel like we've exposed a lot of secrets right there.
Okay, wow, Justin, come here.
We're not even dating yet, and look at us.
Ok.
You don't understand.
My life hasn't been easy okay? I grew up on the streets.
I've been alone.
I haven't had any friends.
Didn't you have like a street friend? - Do you think being homeless is funny? - No, no.
- Is that the response? - No, no.
I love I don't think it's funny, either, just going on record.
You don't call them street friends.
Anyway, I finally built a life for myself with all these wonderful people in it and I don't want to risk losing them.
I don't want to risk losing you as a friend.
I'm sorry.
I don't think I can be with you right now.
I'm not saying never.
I'm just saying not right now.
I'm sorry No, That's ok.
When you're ready I'll be here waiting for you, whether it's a day from now or even two days from now.
[Sighs.]
Been a rough day.
Yeah, Brett left because he's so sad.
He should be back in a minute right? No, he was so upset with next this is maybe my handiwork, huh? Yeah, you have been a real jerk.
He should be here soon.
Not like there's many people waiting for him.
Whatever.
As awkward as that relationship is, It's definitely not as awkward as that one right there.
Blue is my favourite color.
I wish you could see blue.
Yeah, if I had to pick a color that would be the one I would want to see.
Listen Karli, um, there's something I need to be honest with you about.
Oh good, I love honesty from the start or I'm out of there, you know.
Yep, I do know.
Honesty from the start.
That's what I want to you consider this moment from now on to be as a start of us, agreed? I think when we met was the start No, I mean call me a romantic, but I think of that as the beginning.
This Please hear me: this is the start of us.
Then honesty from the beginning.
That's not what you said though.
I can't take this anymore.
Those are the greatest things I've ever seen.
I mean those are the greatest things sensed.
You're not blind? We're done.
Lose my number.
Why would you do that, Leslie? I actually liked this girl I was just about to tell her - Can you believe him? - What? I can't believe you used your boozems for evil.
You know with a great rack comes great responsibility.
You only did that because you're jealous.
Can you believe these two Shelly? They're like some weird brother sister partnership that goes around wrecking everyone's relationships.
Me.
What are you talking about? We have already been over this.
With Candace and Justin all I did was tell them the truth.
Okay? Oh, so you still hiding behind the truth.
Well, truth battle, Danny.
Truth! You look like a dead camel from the camel cigarettes was a real person.
Ok, all right.
Truth battle accepted.
Truth! You know deep down you'd rather be on the Jerrod Carmichael show.
I love that guy.
Truth! you're my friend and I love you.
Truth, you're playing the truth battle wrong and making me feel so bad.
Look Danny! That's because you deserve it.
any one of us could have told Candace that relationships fizzle out and it's much harder dating a friend.
But no-one said anything because sometimes being a good friend is about the things you don't say.
I'm the worst.
I feel so bad about what I did.
Hey, come on! It'll grow back.
- Hey.
- Why did you do that? - You have a boyfriend.
- Every time I see you you make some crude comment about how great my body is or how hot I am.
Do you have any idea how that feels like? It's awesome.
You know, even when I wake up feeling crappy about myself I know you are here to pick me up and I know it is so selfish I guess I was afraid of losing that.
You're not going to lose that, Leslie.
You're with Mike now but I really believe we're going to end up together.
Do you know that every girl that I'm with is just practice for you? That's so sweet.
Can you just end that thought right there without ruining it? I can, however I don't think I want to.
Leslie, you see if I date enough girls I will be so much better at sex for you.
I mean I'm practicing on my own but it's just not the same.
It's just a different animal.
Yeah, we're back.
Look, I called Karli.
I told her how great you are and this is my fault.
She wants to you drop by.
I am so sorry.
Apology accepted.
Uhhhh, Leslie, I didn't tell you earlier.
I actually think your haircut is awesome.
It brings out your eyes.
It makes you look even more beautiful.
Thanks.
Hey, dude.
Uh, I'm glad you're here.
- We need to talk.
- What do you want Danny? Uh, you know that really gross word you're supposed to use when you feel bad because you hurt your best friend's feelings? Apologize? Ouch.
Yeah, that's the one.
Look man, when I was younger I hated saying that word because it made me feel weak, so my mom told me could I substitute instead of that word, my favorite "Star Wars" character.
Why are you telling me this? Because Justin, I want you to know from the bottom of my heart I Chewbacca.
I really do, I can't Chewbacca enough and I just, will you please, please accept my Chewbacca.
[Laughing.]
You are such an idiot.
Dude, I'm not an idiot I just want you to be happy OK, you know Candice likes you, ok? Why don't you just go and convince her to be with you? I wish I could but you know what? She's right.
It's too much of a risk for her.
I can't put her in that position.
- I care about her too much.
- Okay.
Fine, you've gotta do what you've gotta do right? I guess I can't convince you.
I just want to go on record man.
I sincerely honestly believe you're making a huge Jar Jar Binks.
Yeah, I can't really talk right now, ok, because I'm busy doing something Okay, bye.
What are you guys doing? Watching Justin and Candace taking turns stealing glances at each other.
Alright, well I mean how long is this supposed to last? Well, if the past two hours are any indication, forever.
And now everyone's gonna have to watch this all year long.
Mmm-hmmm I love a good "will they, won't they.
" It worked great on "Cheers" and "Friends.
" Come on man, I love "Friends.
" Don't ruin it for me I hate spoilers! - Come on - Ross and Rachel end up together.
Oh, come on! Damn it! Which one's Rachel? Any of us watching this knows they're gonna end up together eventually.
Yep, but thanks to Danny we have to wait.
This could easily last all winter.
You mean that we have to sit here and watch this repetitive tripe, all season? Dude, whatever I can't take this anymore.
Hey Candace, okay At first I thought it was Justin's fault that you two didn't wind up together because uh, too insecure to push you and get together.
He always puts other people before himself.
Yeah, I know, it's his worst quality and I'm trying to break him of it.
But anyway, none of that matters now okay? because it's not his fault.
It's your fault.
You know why? Because you're a chicken Candace I don't care that it hurts your feelings because I'm not going to Chewbacca for saying it.
I'm not a chicken, Danny.
That's actually the interesting thing about chickens is that you can't really convince them to do anything.
You just have to push them.
So, I've got an idea.
You know what my cheesiest move is to pick up girls is? Is it the way you dress like you're my age even though you're closer to my dad's age? I got to stop guessing because I'm just going to tell you why, OK.
Okay, The chemistry test.
That's what I use.
Now, the funny thing about the chemistry test is that it's real Okay, now if you really like someone a lot you kind of feel like there's a you kind of feel like there's a personal connection and you get really close to them and I mean invade their personal space like - so then you can't not kiss them.
- What if we don't kiss.
Then you're just not meant to be together.
Oh, this is suspenseful.
Danny, you're the one who told me I might Yeah, that's right, you might not be able to be friends with us if things go sour.
and you know what? That's true Danny, leave her alone!!! You're making her uncomfortable! She doesn't like it and I don't like it either! - Okay - I'm sorry! I like how you're still playing my game but stop screaming in her face, okay? Listen Candice, I know that you want me to promise me there will be a happy ending and I know you like spoilers but I can't give that, so you yourself have to decide if Justin is worth the risk.
I'm sorry.
Danny, he's putting you in the middle.
- Wait, does this mean we're dating? - Yeah.
- I'm so happy.
- Yeah, me too.
- I'm a lucky guy.
- No, no, no, no, no! She's a lucky girl.
She's a lucky, lucky girl.
I'm a lucky guy.
No, no, no.
She's a lucky girl.