Underemployed (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

1 "It was the best of times, it was the best of times.
" No, don't start with a reference.
That's so lame.
"They were a group of friends unlike anyone else.
" No, that's not true.
They were just like everyone else.
They were young and hopeful, lucky and sweet.
They'd just finished college and were ready to jump into life.
Okay, you guys, next year at this time, no matter where we are, no matter what we're doing, we have to get together and celebrate our complete world domination.
World domination! Yeah! We could meet in New Orleans.
What? You mean you got into grad school? The guy in front of me on the wait list never got back from burning man, so it's looking pretty good.
That's my boy.
Nice.
We could meet in New York.
Big apple, love it.
Yeah, but only if you want to celebrate the publication of my debut nobel.
Soph, I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it.
Oh, what? Why? I want to, I really do, but probably by this time next year, I'm gonna be in Milan being the face of Calvin Klein briefs.
If by "face," you mean "ass.
" Nice! If I could create one ad campaign like that, I would be so proud.
You bring the camera.
I've got the ass.
Let's make it happen.
So, Raviva, you heading to New Orleans with Lou? Sure.
Got to keep my stuff somewhere while I'm touring, right? Right.
Come here, you.
Right.
Yeah.
Hey, guys, I wish it could be now forever.
But "now" turns into "then" almost as quickly as "hello" turns into "good-bye.
" We're doing the right thing, right? Oh, totally.
I mean, if everything works out, I'll be touring with sleigh bells or wavves or new sleigh bells.
And I'll be busy with grad school and stuff.
Right.
I just I can't help think that there's There's a better fit out there? Yeah.
There must be.
Right? There must.
I mean, this is what adults do.
You know, they break up.
We're being adults.
Totally being adults.
It's not like we won't be friends.
We'll be better friends.
Best.
So It's over.
It's totally Totally over.
But this isn't an ending.
No, far from it.
Today is just the beginning of a new chapter of hope and vision and possibility, not just in our lives, but in the lives of people everywhere.
Ugh, damn.
Dude, what's the matter? I should've hit that.
Somebody should've hit it.
She's still a virgin? Shh.
More than any other generation in history, we have a chance to leave here today and change the world! Yeah, right.
We're out of maple bacon bars.
What do you mean you're out of maple bacon bars, you little bitch? Having maple bacon bars is your job.
Oh, whoo! Ooh! Oh, my.
Who wants to make it hail? Yeah.
It's the world's healthiest dog food, and it's so tasty that people can eat it too.
Glover, try the dog food.
Me? Yeah, try the dog food.
It's so good.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Five minutes for the environment? No, no? Anybody got five minutes? Lesbian.
F-five minutes? Welcome to donut girl.
What's your donut? What's that one? It's a moontang.
It's a blueberry donut dusted with tang.
Is that what you want One moontang? Sophia Swanson, is that you? I guess it's me.
It's Enzo, Enzo Donato.
Yeah, hi.
How's it going? Laura, this is Sophia.
She was, like, my hero in freshman English.
So what are you doing here? Uh, you know, I'm just working Paying the rent, you know, underachieving.
Hey, Miles, dude You got to throw her out.
I know.
It's been almost a year.
She's got nowhere else to go.
She's got all of Russia to go.
Get her a parka and send her back.
I can't.
She got us this catering gig tonight, and she does unspeakable things to the Duke.
It's only because she doesn't speak English, Miles.
For any other girl, they'd be totally speakable things.
We might as well throw the food in the toilet.
It'd be quicker.
I know.
I know.
Raviva.
Hey.
Look who turned out to be pro-life.
Raviva? Miles.
You guys should talk.
They have cell phones in L.
A.
You couldn't call and tell me сhange your Facebook status to pregnant? Look, I kept thinking I wasn't gonna have it, and then I kept keeping it.
Anyways, we're not good together, right? Well, you must think we're kind of good enough together, Veev, because you showed up today here at my door.
Where else am I supposed to go? I don't know.
Your mom's? I haven't told my mom.
Ow.
What, are you having the baby? No.
No, it's just kicking.
So what do you want to do? What do you want to do? I don't know.
We'll get married.
I'll get a real job.
I don't really have a choice, do I? Oh, my God.
What? What, are you having the baby now? No, I'm not having the baby, you moron.
I'm leaving.
What, but why? I just said we're gonna get married.
Isn't that what you wanted? This was a mistake.
I'm sorry.
Where are you going? To my mom's, I guess.
No, I'm not letting you leave until we finish this conversation.
You don't have a choice, remember? You don't have a choice.
Todd! Can I talk to you a sec? Yeah, all these puppies are too cute.
We need an uglier puppy.
And I need to start getting paid.
You're not getting paid? No.
You've been working here for, like, a year.
I know, and I'm still an unpaid intern.
Weird, right? Yeah.
Let me look into that.
Awesome, thank you.
Glover.
Hmm? Do you want to get lunch? Oh, yeah, I'll get the menu binder.
No, do you want to get lunch with me? Do you want to get lunch with me? Sure.
Let's lunch it up.
Don't move.
I'll be right back.
"Lunch it up.
" So what's your deal? You, like, work on your novel at night or what? Pretty much.
Actually, I usually sit at my computer for, like, five minutes and come up with nothing and then play Angry Birds on my phone.
Ha.
What do you do? I, uh, clerk at a firm, go to law school at night, and I play a lot of Angry Birds.
You're a law clerk too? I'm a lawyer.
I'm his boss.
Oh, that's cool.
Hey.
Break time is over, donut girl.
We should seriously hang out and break that game's death grip on our lives.
Yeah.
That would be, um That'd be kind of cool.
Nice to meet you.
Nice meeting you too.
So where do you live? Am I being fired? What? Did you bring me here to fire me because you were afraid that I would go postal in the office? Glover Because if I am being fired, you need to know that the best thing that ever happened to this agency is sitting across from - you, and you should - Glover, you're not getting fired.
Oh.
So so, uh Why are we having lunch? Because I think you're really smart and pretty, and I wanted us to meet in a context outside of the office.
Me? Smart and pretty? Yeah.
Okay.
So ask me again.
Ask you what? Ask me where I live.
Where do you live? It's kind of dumb.
I live with my dad.
That's not dumb.
After you graduated, did you ever live with your parents? No.
No.
It's a little dumb.
Where do you live? At the end of Chestnut.
Schmancy.
Well, you should come see it sometime.
It's, uh it's got a great view of the lake.
Love a great view.
Me too.
How does, uh How does someone get to be like you? Oh, it is a long and slow process of error and error.
Thank God I'm not getting fired.
Dude, what's up? Is she still there? No, she went to her mom's.
Why is she going to her mom's? Because she's crazy.
She shows up out of nowhere after eight months of not calling, and because I don't already have a crib and a college fund set up, I'm the jerk? Walk me through that.
Now I have to set up a college fund and buy a crib, and I Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lou, wait up.
Is it yours? How do I know? It's not like I can ask.
Dude, you have to ask.
How do I ask that question? Very, very carefully.
I'll tell you this much, I'm gonna go do something in your honor.
What? Buy a 24-pack of condoms, stat! Thanks.
I'm really sorry this not-getting-paid thing has dragged on as long as it has.
Yeah.
You and me both.
And I'm not sure how soon I can get the ball rolling on it, but I will definitely try.
I promise.
Thank you for that.
What is this that's happening here? Nothing.
Nothing, it's I'm sorry, it's just You remind me a lot of me back when I was your age.
Hmm.
So you were super awesome too? I was no you.
But I was pretty impressive.
So.
Back to work! Hmm? Back to work.
Hands and feet.
So is is this, like, a normal lunch for you? No, I rarely have dessert.
And I never kiss.
Truth? Yeah, that's the truth.
All right.
So we're just gonna go back to work, like, you know, nothing ever happened, right? I'm asking because I am new to the workplace.
Well, it's new to me too, in terms of the kissing, but I guess, yeah, that's the plan.
Cool.
Cool to have a plan.
Could you, um, maybe refresh my memory about what it says in the employee handbook about a situation like this? I think it says that, uh Yeah.
I think Yeah, because I really want to go by the book.
Yeah, me too.
You had sex with your boss in his car? Yes! Why did I do that? How does that even happen? I don't know.
He took me to lunch.
We had a few drinks.
He made me laugh.
I was raised the way I was raised.
Yeah, but how does it happen in a car? It is not easy trust me.
Is he gonna pay you at least? For having sex with him? No, for working at his company.
Yes, as soon as he can.
He he promised.
He said he would look into it.
I don't know.
What do I do? Well, do you like him? Yes, I like him a lot.
That's the worst part.
I think he likes me too.
What do I do? Well, as Emily Dickinson once said, you can stay and get paid, or you can quit and keep giving him naked tours of his car, but you can't do both for free.
I feel so stupid.
Trust that feeling.
Stay my friend.
I'm staying your friend.
I'm glad I'm not your pimp.
There she is.
Hey, girl! Ohh, look at this.
You look great.
Look at you you're pregnant.
Welcome back.
Baked crab shrimp sushi? Baked crab shrimp sushi? What are you doing here, you beautiful forest creature? Uh, catering.
Cleaning up.
Why? Call me after.
We'll talk.
"Janet McKesson-Adams, GQ.
" Damn.
I get not telling your mom, and I kind of get not telling Lou, but us? I'm sorry.
I didn't want to disappoint you guys.
Disappoint us? Yeah.
I said I was gonna go get a record deal and conquer the world, and all I did was be pregnant and work at a club.
You'll still conquer the world.
I know.
I'll just have to do it with a baby strapped to me.
Yeah.
What are you gonna do anyway? I don't know.
I'm staying at my mom's tonight.
Ugh.
Is she super pissed? She cried a lot All about how she'd raised me wrong.
I had to, like, make her feel better.
Are you gonna get back together with Lou? Do you want to get back together with Lou? Yeah.
But not if he doesn't really want to, you know? Why wouldn't he want to? Ask him.
All he kept talking about was how he didn't have a choice.
Okay, truth? Truth.
That is the worst thing that anyone has ever said, ever.
I missed you guys so much.
We missed you too.
We did.
A lot.
Have you had sex yet? Oh, come on, you weren't gone that long.
Personal question.
Of course.
You do a lot of catering? Some, but I'm actually more of a actor/model/host/spokesman.
What are you doing tomorrow night? Uh, nothing much.
Why? I'm hosting a party for Calvin Klein.
Calvin Klein? Yeah, he's a friend.
Like, the Calvin Klein.
Yeah, you available? Are you kidding? Of course I'm available.
What what should I wear? You're cute.
You want to go to your place or mine? Um Definitely yours.
Well, get in.
There's nothing online that pays better than what I was doing.
It's just more jobs that suck.
You know, I can't call up Raviva and say, "Hey, you want to live with me? I found this great place right below the poverty line.
" Might as well talk to my foot.
Guys Check this out.
Hey, babe.
I'm gonna meet Calvin Klein.
Calvin Klein? How the hell does that happen? I just nailed this hot cougar who's gonna take me to his rollout tomorrow night.
Have you told Pukey McToothpick? What? That she can't stay here anymore.
She got me this gig tonight.
If it weren't for her, I would have never have had the chance to meet Calvin.
Then make her buy groceries or a toilet brush or something.
Make her contribute, dude.
Life is real! Oh, thank God you're here.
Sorry it's so late, ma'am.
She will not come out of her room.
All she does all day is scream for juice and play her music, cry, call me names through the door.
Am I a bad mother, Louis? No, ma'am.
Tell her that.
I mean, could you please tell her that? Sure, I'll try.
Louis, I love you.
Thank you.
I know it may not be your destiny to end up with my daughter, but if there is any chance at all that you think it can be, please, God, give it a try, because I love her to death, but she is like a set of Russian dolls right now, and every one of them is a total bitch.
I'll do my best.
Thank you.
All right, now get in there.
Sometimes a lifetime Isn't Go away.
It's me.
Hey.
What are you doing here? I don't know.
You don't know? No, I mean, I know.
Apologizing? For what? For not being as cool about it as I should have been when you showed up.
Did you Miss me at all? Yeah.
Then why did you stop emailing me, like, a month after I got to L.
A.
? Raviva, I stopped emailing you because you said I should.
I never said you should.
I said you could stop if you wanted to stop.
Which I thought meant you wanted me to stop.
Why would I want you to stop? Okay.
I read that wrong.
My bad.
You're hard to read sometimes.
English is my second language.
Give me a break.
Thank you.
Sure.
So You must be pretty psyched to be back in Chicago.
I am.
And, uh, must be pretty horny too.
Now? Not so much.
No, just in general 'Cause you haven't had sex with anyone else since we broke up, right? Why? Have you? Don't lie.
I didn't enjoy it.
Have you Had sex with anyone since? Hmm.
Whoa, are you asking me if it's yours? No.
Yeah, you've kind of done it twice.
No, Raviva, I'm offended.
Oh, my God.
I want you out of here.
What? Veev, I'm trying to make this work.
It sure feels like work.
Congratulations.
No, no, no, Veev, you can't send me out there without us in sync on this.
Your mom will kill me.
I'm sorry, I have a conference call with all the guys I had sex with in L.
A.
Wow! Veev, I'm gonna work this out.
Veev? Hi.
I'm here about the job opening.
Hi.
I'm here about the job opening.
Well, just looking for a job that pays a living wage, where I can, you know, make a difference.
Sorry to say We don't have any jobs like that here At all.
No.
Nothing.
Thanks for your time.
Thank you for your time.
Thank you for your time.
Thanks for your time.
Todd.
Rihanna.
Rihanna, Todd.
Wow.
She is hideous.
I know, right? I did the impossible.
Nice work.
Nice enough to get paid? Yeah, I looked into it, and Okay.
I quit.
When do you want to take me to dinner, tonight or tomorrow? - Because I have a thing - Wait a minute.
No, listen, it's fine.
I can get another job, or I can give plasma.
Either way, you and I can be sexy time in the open now.
Daphne, listen.
What? I have a girlfriend.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
Drop her.
I can't.
This isn't any easier for me than it is for you.
Oh, really? It seems pretty easy.
It seems really easy.
Oh, and, you know, it seemed really easy the other day in the parking structure with my face in your 2(x)lst boy panties.
Look, listen, hey, if I'm gonna work here, I need to get paid.
Okay, okay.
I'll have you on the payroll Friday.
$300 a week, I promise.
That's not enough to live on.
$500 and a parking spot.
I can't afford a car! $750.
$750 and a parking spot.
Now I can afford a car.
Okay.
Thank you.
Well, this is a surprise.
The last time you sat here I think it was to tell me that I destroyed your life.
Not my life, dad The planet's.
Oh, that's right, the planet, yeah.
Now you want my help.
No, no, I don't want your help.
I want a job.
From a major polluter? From the man who's solely responsible for, what was it, um, two-headed frogs? Autism in owls? Look at me.
This is not some undercover tree-hugger plan that's gonna bite me in the ass? No.
Raviva's pregnant.
You stupid son of a bitch.
All right, all right.
We'll start you in the mail room.
I mean, you're the boss's son, right? Yeah, I figured.
How is your mother? She's fine.
Great.
Well, this'll be fun.
Welcome to the real world.
Thanks.
What are you gonna say? To Calvin? Yeah, do you have something prepared? You don't want to go in front of Calvin Klein and choke, dude.
No, no, you're right, Lou.
I was I was thinking of saying something like this "Mr.
Klein, ever since I was a little boy, I've wanted people to see your underwear on me.
" Simple and clear I like it.
Yeah, no, no, you're right.
I'm gonna go in there.
I'm gonna rock his underworld! Yeah, when Raviva comes over, I'm gonna drop some similarly powerful wisdom on her crazy, pregnant brain.
Yeah, what you gonna say? Just the facts A real job, 35k.
"Settle down, bitch.
Daddy's home.
" Equal genius.
Thank you, thank you.
You've tried everything.
You've tried flowers, apologies.
I tried to notebook this crap.
You know, it's really starting to dawn on me, man.
They want to be ruled.
Well, I am ready to rule.
This is it, Lou.
We're growing up.
We're totally growing up.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
The next time we see each other, we are gonna be men.
"Men"? We're gonna be gods.
Gods.
All right.
Let's do this.
We got this.
It's your best work ever.
So much energy, right? So much life.
You're sweet to say so.
Uh, excuse me a second.
Michael, you came.
Of course I came.
Miles.
Are you kidding? I wouldn't Miss this.
Oh, well, step right this way, pretty.
Wait.
Do I look okay? Okay? You look positively yummy.
Here he is.
Oh, perfect.
He'll fit right in.
Sir, it's an honor, truly.
Okay.
Your work has meant so much to me.
Thank you.
Ever since I was a boy, I've wanted people to see me in your underwear.
You're here to serve mojitos.
Okay, I'll serve whatever you want me to serve, Mr.
Klein.
I'm not Calvin Klein, honey.
What? I'm not Calvin Klein, and you're here to serve mojitos and mini-tacos and eye candy.
Are you sure? Because Here.
Get this on.
And if you don't have a big boy, wrap it in a tortilla.
Hello, donut girl.
We're closed.
Oh, hi.
Um, sure.
But I have to change.
Okay.
It's about a girl named Amanda who joins the army.
It's kind of Call of Duty meets Devil Wears Prada.
Sounds pretty fresh.
Yeah, it's pretty not written.
You ever consider writing about someone a little bit more like yourself? Uh-uh.
It wouldn't be too interesting.
Oh, I don't believe that.
It really surprised me you said yes to meeting me for a drink.
Me too.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hello? Raviva, it's Lou.
Can we talk? You got a real job? Yeah, working for my dad.
Your dad.
Oh, my God, Lou No, no, no, Veev, it's all good.
It pays 30 grand a year, and we'll be able to You hate your dad.
That doesn't matter.
Yes, it does.
What about reapplying to grad school? What about doing what you actually want to do? Well, that really sounds great, but what I want to do with my life doesn't pay enough to take care of you and a baby.
Ugh.
No, I'm just trying to do the right thing here.
What's your problem? I just don't want to be the reason you throw your life away.
Then why'd you even show up? You had to know that's the only way this ever would have worked.
Fine.
Fine.
Then I'll just have it by myself.
Fine.
Have it by yourself.
Ohh.
What? Oh, my God.
Are Are you having the baby? Oh.
Yes.
Yes, I'm having the baby.
Raviva.
I'm having the baby.
Raviva.
Hmm? Forget everything I said.
When? Ever.
Okay.
Hey.
Guess who has good news.
Look who's home.
What happened? I'm now a paid employee.
Congratulations.
How'd you do it? Did you walk in there like I said and demand what you wanted? "I'm Daphne Glover, and this is what I deserve.
" Yeah! Pretty much, eventually.
That's my girl.
What you watching, MILF porn? No, your brother sent a new video.
Check it.
Dad, don't say "check it.
" Not working? Uh-uh.
Look, there he is.
He's a big dork.
God, I miss that kid.
Oh, my God.
What is it? I'm sorry, I got to go.
Dad, consider pants.
You guys, we're having a baby! Whoo-hoo! Yeah, baby! Oh, my gosh, we're all grown up.
I'm gonna be the best aunt.
I mean, like, seriously, who would be better? I just hope it's a boy, because little girls are a nightmare.
Excuse me, sir, can we please go a little bit faster? Our friend's having a baby.
Da, da, da.
Thank you.
Okay, so this is me talking to Calvin.
This is Janet freaking out about me talking to Calvin.
This is me running from the cops.
And this is me with the cops after I was escorted from the building.
And this is Janet getting hauled away by the cops for disturbing the peace.
You had to get kicked out to break in.
I love it.
I know, and he told me to send him a head shot.
You totally should.
I'm gonna, yeah.
Hey, check this out.
So you look different.
I think I might be.
Did you do it? Sort of.
What does that mean In the butt? No.
We'll talk.
Hey, guys.
Thanks for coming.
Hey, the proud papa.
Dude, I'm sorry I was a dick.
No, no, no, you weren't a dick.
You were a douche bags.
That's fair.
And, uh, hello.
So you guys want to meet Rosemary? Rosemary, so creepy! Look who came to see you.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
She's gorgeous.
I know, isn't she? I know.
Dude, she looks just like you.
You think? All I see is Raviva.
No.
She looks like you.
Oh, yeah.
Good job.
Can I hold her? Yeah.
Just be careful.
She had a rough day.
Careful, careful, careful.
Careful.
There you go.
Shh.
Hi.
I'm your aunt Daphne.
I'm gonna teach you how to get boys.
I'm uncle Miles, and I'm gonna teach you how to get girls.
Miles.
What, I don't want to shut her down right out of the gate.
Who knows? How you doing? I'm really tired.
You did great.
So did you.
Bet you didn't think the first night we met, we'd be doing this.
Actually, I did.
I love you.
I love you too.
But I don't know how we're ever gonna pay for her college.
I don't know how we're gonna finish paying for ours.
We'll figure it out.
Hey, where's your mom? Life is weird And, yes, let's admit it, kind of miraculous.
You grow up wanting a certain kind of life, a dream of a life.
But by the time you get there, that life is gone.
You have to make your own life.
And you have to make it your way.
Everyone goes through this.
Fever by Justin Bieber It's hot, fresh, and free.
Smell like a Canadian.
Bitch.
Everyone gets a little less than they wanted.
Hey.
First paycheck.
Thanks.
Are you free for dinner tonight? I broke up with my girlfriend.
I can't tonight, but thanks for asking.
Sure.
And everyone gets a little more than they bargained for.
I think I can be home by 7:00.
Great.
Can you pick up some formula, some diapers, and some tampons? Uh-huh.
What's an Emissions Assessment? Hang on a sec.
A measure of how much Craft Chemical screws up the environment with every product we make.
What kind of formula? Soy.
Since when do we fill these out? Since I started working here.
At least throw it in recycling.
If life is just about working and earning money, we're all screwed.
But if life is about living None of my friends are underemployed.
Here we go, guys.
It's hot.
All right, thank you.
So this is complete world domination.
Yeah.
I like it.
Next year in Jerusalem.
Next year in Chicago.
Yeah.
Make sure she's covered up, baby.
She's okay.
Whoo! Wow.