Unnatural History s01e12 Episode Script
Speetlemania
Hey! Take this to the post and don't stop to goof off.
[door knocking.]
Son, get behind the door.
So my friend, it is ready? Huh? I'm very sorry but it wasn't what you were looking for after all, my apologies but there must have been some misunderstanding.
Ohhh, then I'm sorry too, for you! Who did you sell it too? Arrrgggghhhh! (inaudible) go! Go, go! [struggle.]
[crash.]
[struggle.]
Where was I? Ah, yes, your fingers.
Unless you tell me where that box is going! No! Nooooooo arrrgghhhh! He's gone! For the whole weekend, and we ducked the responsibilities talk.
And we dodged the expectations talk.
And derailed the junk food talk which means we can float away on a river of bacon flavored hot fudge, ice cream for breakfast? Yes and please! What's that? Morning Jasper, if you're reading this note or more likely if you're making Henry read it to you, then my alarm clock mysteriously failed to wake me and I was forced to rush to the airport without our usual talk but you boys are old enough to know how to behave on your own.
Be good I trust you.
Love Uncle Dad.
Is there anything else? P.
S.
I also need you to be home for a delivery today at 4 o'clock but make sure it stays in the box until I get back or you will lose all privileges.
That's it? P.
P.
S.
Now put the ice cream away before it melts.
Dude we scored, there were no specifics.
That's just behave and be good that leaves us with a wide spectrum of possibilities.
Three days and two nights on our own, we answer to no one! We are real men; there are no limits on our toppings! So, how are we going to celebrate our manhood? All night glow in the dark bowling with 24 pack of caf-monkey.
Or in some cultures manhood is earned by sacrifice and experience, the Masai send their boys into the wild alone and they're not allowed to return until they slay a beast worthy of celebrating.
You want to go hunting? Yeah, it would be fun.
No, that's not fun! Fun is hanging out with friends, its playing ping pong and ordering pineapple pizza.
It's not slaying beasts or stealing rubies or driving cars through museums or falling into quicksand.
Well I had fun doing those things.
I know but that's Henry fun you need to have normal fun you need to try doing things that other people consider fun maybe even with other people.
Okay, maybe we can invite Maggie over since she's good at ping pong and she really likes pineapple.
Okay, you need to branch out.
You've been here for six months; you haven't even been to a party.
I went to a dance.
That was a mandatory school chaperoned by my dad.
I'm talking about a real party with a sound system and junk food and as much caf-monkey as a body can pound.
And roast pig in a pit? And fire juggling and a porcupine toss? This is going to be great.
What's going to be great? Uncle Brian is out of town and we're going to have a dopey party.
I told you its dope not dopey.
And no parental unit at the Bartlett house tonight? Uh huh.
That's sweet! Henry What's the start time? Five o'clock? That means there food right? No food! A feast! And you've got a pool too, right? No swimming! And ping pong! This is going to be tight.
Un-chaperoned parties at the dean's house, you laymos aren't flam outs after all.
Are you insane? You said I should have more fun with more people.
NO, no, no I said that you should go to a party, not throw one at our house.
What if dad finds out, behave and be good, remember? What's up guys, so Alex and I are totally stoked for tonight.
We'll see you there Bryce.
Jack and Xander as well.
No, no, no you cannot just invite random people to our house.
Did Henry just invite Smithson High over to your house or am I being tested punked? Jasper said I should branch out.
No, Jasper said we should go bowling.
This is a huge mistake.
Hey Jasper, I saw you're throwing a house party, brash and recycle.
I know, right.
You know that's just the kind of risky guy I am.
So you're coming, you're actually coming? Only if I'm on your personal VIP list.
Am I as good looking as I feel right now? That was Arianna Gish right? You know she was my girlfriend for like a whole week in third grade.
And she hasn't talked to you since.
Gish Dish is on my VIP list, do you guys have any idea what that means? You don't even know what that means I think that means we are having a party.
You guys are willfully unprepared for what's about to happen.
What are you going to do for music? Jasper's laptop has Etuning.
And what about for food? Jasper said no pig so we decided on hot dogs, tofu for you.
None of you have ever been to a red blooded American teenage un-chaperoned party, have you? Don't judge; we're trying to be more brisky.
I'm just trying to help, you guys this is going to be a disaster if you don't start making some technical decisions immediately.
Like what? Well, first of all you need equipment, woofer, subwoofer, mutli-channel digital DJ mixer, Karaoke with duel table top capabilities.
Come on you know my dad's in the air force, no body throws it down like a fighter pilot.
Oh and if you're going to have hotdogs you're going to need a steam cart.
Okay? You're hired! What? Well you know more about parties and organizing than anyone we know.
No, no you guys are the captains of this titanic.
We'll pay you.
With what? With our undying gratitude.
Oh, and with a party planning business you can list on your college apps.
Its entrepreneurialism, they totally eat that stuff up.
Hmmm, Please, please say yes.
Please Maggs, please? Please don't let my formative social years be stunted.
I guess I could use the experience if I wanted to apply for that White House protocol internship.
Okay but on one condition, I am in total control.
When are you ever not? It just has to be fun, pizza, ping pong, hanging out.
No that's normal fun we have to have brisky fun.
Look Arianna Gish is going to be breathing the same air that I sleep in so no matter how severely we might pay for it, this party has to kill.
Like Henry just killed that bird? It's a Yi Bei Wang, Asian fighting roaster.
Stuffed in Indonesia? It's not stuffed anymore.
Who sent it? It's more like who it was sent to.
Julian Mornoe.
He's not going to like this.
Okay, you know what let's take this back up and focus on how we're going to impress the future Mrs.
Jasper Bartlett.
Does it look like I opened it? Guys, if we're committing to this I need your undivided attention, if we want this party to kill we can't take our eyes off, are you guys even listening to me? Maggie? You have to stay calm.
I'm not the one freaking out.
Yet.
Antenna? And claws.
Just don't lose your cool.
I'm pretty frozen right now, how big is it? Oh, it's not that bad.
It's bugzilla! Don't make any sudden moves.
Sudden moves, like this? Noooo! Get it off, get it off.
Where is it? Where is it? That was the biggest most disgusting thing I have ever seen.
This place is full of stuff like that.
Um, okay would you mind just mentioning to Arianna how bravely I held up when that man eating lobster bug took you down.
It's probably one of Garco's pets.
We'll lock it in.
I've got to get this box to Julian before he knows I looked inside.
Ew! A trampoline, ah no Hunter you can't bring a trampoline, hello? Henry this goes down as one of your all time worst ideas in history.
But you said this party was going to make history.
Like the Hindenburg.
No, no, no we can't crash and burn.
Well then I'm going to need a credit card.
No way, we can't leave a paper trail.
Make up your mind, do you want a party or not? I'm conflicted okay, it's a curse.
Let me un-conflict you, have you had a girlfriend since third grade? Here is the emergency card my dad gave me if I was ever lost or hurt or you know really, really hungry.
Okay, we'll just use it for deposits and we'll make our budget back with $10 cover charge.
You can't charge guests for blankets, that's bad karma.
Cover as in covering expenses and bad karma is getting you house egged and TP'd because you invited guests over without a clue.
Hey, that's not yours! Henry, stop him! Hey, what are you doing, that doesn't belong to you! It does now! Okay, know that was brisky.
Maybe it was just inclucky, inconvenient and unlucky.
Cause now professor bird brain had his box.
Henry, I presume you're alright.
I'm fine.
I was just bringing this to your office when that guy grabbed it.
Who was he? How should I know? But he opened my box, did you happen to see what he took out of it? Actually he didn't open it.
I did, by mistake.
I didn't realize it was yours.
What happened to my bird? Everything's in there.
That's the way it came.
We all saw.
It's been massacred.
What else did you see in this box? Well, what else were you expecting? You shouldn't take liberty with other people mail, Henry.
Postal tampering is a Federal offense.
Huh, professor darkness is in rare form.
Because he's hiding something.
If that bird was all he expected then why did he just throw away the box? And why did the guy in the sunglasses want it so badly? It's the bug.
We locked it in the dune shed.
Hey, I was carrying it; it ate a hole through my bag.
It used me! I think it's what Julian was expecting to find in that box.
We've got to get it back! Hey, there it is.
Ewww, what is that grotesque thing? Something that eats bigger things.
Like stuffed birds? What if the bird was just a decoy, something to hide the bug in for transport? Okay, can I remind you party boys that we have to feed and entertain an entire house full of people in a few hours.
You see, that's what I mean.
You're here having Henry fun while we should be helping Maggie with brisky fun.
Maggie is the best party planner in DC and she's got your credit card so we're cover charged.
I'm going to check out the entomology lab to find out more about this bug.
You stay here and keep a look out for it.
It's a plan.
But what if I find it? There you are.
Rex Regis Plasmator, what's so special about you? Carnivorous hyper tolerant species rapid multiplier, highly adaptable to any temperate zone, ravaged entire chain in south sea islands including early human populations until a volcanic eruption curtailed reproduction, current status, extinct.
All except one.
There you are.
Alright your mine, I'm so going to squish you like the bug you are.
It's you or me pal.
No, no, I am not going to let you ruin may party just because Henry can't find fun.
No, don't kill that bug! What? It's a Rex Regis Plasmator, a rare thought to be extinct species.
Well great, now you tell me! Whoa, whoa! Okay, that's one super bug.
It didn't even slow it down.
It classified as hyper tolerant carnivorous species, almost indestructible and it can destroy any ecosystem it breeds in.
But if there's only one? It can mate with other genetically compatible insects.
So you're saying it can create super bugs out of normal bugs that would eventually take over the world.
Exactly, we cannot let this guy lose.
Find me something to put this guy in but nothing he can eat through.
Okay, In here, safe and sound, there you go little guy.
Little, this thing's like the SUV of bugs.
This is one bizarro thing that you're not going to make friends with Henry.
Okay you take him, he's mad at me! He's just communicating, like the Madagascar hissing cockroach right before he strikes an enemy.
Good, now he's mad at both of us.
Oh, bad! It's almost four o'clock and that delivery is coming for my dad, we've got to get home.
What do you want to do with this thing.
We should take him to our house for safe keeping until I can get him to my parents.
They'll know the tight entomologist to get him to.
My house? Whatever Julian and that other guy want with this, it cannot be good.
They'll be looking for it here not at our house.
Nobody even knows that we know about Rex.
Don't name him! Listen carefully teach! I'm a professor actually.
A pain in my bank account is what you are.
Someone is going to pay me a lot of money for that creepy crawler.
That insect is a evolutionary holy grail.
So you're a saint for selling it to corporate industry instead of a private collector? You'd better prey that I get it back, those kids have my bug.
Who are they? I have no idea.
Find out because I'm going to have to take something valuable of yours if I don't get it back tonight and it's really hard to teach without a tongue.
Tonight! Careful, careful coming in, down, soft, down, soft, okay very fragile, do not try lifting this without a professional.
It's, installation is on the books for Monday, sign here and she's yours.
Okay, I give up what's in the, holy plasma! It's only the biggest I've seen grown men cry when they take this puppy out of the box.
Enjoy! No, Henry, don't open it.
We can't do that according to my dad's list, remember.
You're right.
This party is our beast our rite of passage, we cannot let anything go wrong.
I know, right! I mean this can be a tenth grade life changer.
Gish the Dish winked at me at lunch.
Ah hem, well while she was taking AP Flirting I was doing some research on Rex.
You know what makes him so rare? He's a spider beetle hybrid.
He's a speedle? What's that? Spider Beetle hybrid.
No, that and if it valuable I suggest you hide it during the party.
Along with anything else in this house you're fond of unless you want people messing with your tighty whiteys.
Alright, party starts in half an hour and every we have ever owned is now safely stored away in the garage and oh, I need some caf-monkey.
You should careful with this stuff, it can really make you Ah! Jumpy.
Who put the bug in the fridge? Does he really belong where we eat? Well cold temperatures slow him down.
He's got to lay low until I hear back from my parents.
But he belongs to Julian.
But not if Julian is involved in an illegal exotic animal smuggling ring.
Rich collectors do put a price on creatures like Rex.
And Komodo Dragons and Bengal Tigers, once the price is set hunter compete to fill the order.
And then they hire someone legitimate like Professor Mornoe to take the delivery.
Why would someone want an indestructible extinct bug that can destroy any eco-system on the planet? Wait for it Total world domination.
Some crazy crackpot Or some brilliant scientist, imagine what we could learn about survival from Rex.
Well, I just think, Henry it chewed right through the cup.
It's loose in my fridge; it's probably in my house.
Oh, he's just hungry that's all.
You like BBQ, huh? Don't make friends with it; I don't like how it's looking at me.
That thing is like the Iron Man of bugs.
Guests? No, no, no that can't be guests we're not ready, we're, we're not ready! NO, no, no relax it's probably the just the clown.
Clown? Yeah, it comes with the hot dog cart.
Alright, what are we going to do with Rex, I mean, it? Glass jar, he won't be able to get through it.
This party is going to be a disaster isn't it? Jasper, I have faith that today will be one of the most memorable days of our lives.
Oh, unless that's the international exotic animal trading police.
That should hold him pretty tight.
Hi, welcome to party.
According to Martha Stewart it rude to arrive early.
Oh, well there was no start time on the E-vite.
E-vite? What E-vite? Good Idea huh, I sent it viral about an hour ago so this place should be on fire in no time.
Oh good.
Awesome or what? Or what! I don't have enough fire extinguishers or veggie platters.
Sup Sup You guy aren't going to ride those in the house? Hey Griffin, what's the slope on your roof? It hangs over the pool right? Bryce, who are these guys? Alex, Jack and Xander, your friends remember? No, I mean all of them.
Well, that's kind of the point of having an internet party, you never know who's going to show up.
You mean it's on Tweety? You've never had a house party before have you? I've never even had a house.
Teenagers' home alone, it's never a good idea.
Julian, what are you doing here? Just looking out for my god brother and his friends, I now your uncle is out of town so I called him and offered to look in on you guys.
Look in, oh there's nothing to look in.
We're just having a few people over.
A few people, I'm sure your uncle would be more than interested in an update.
Unless you and I can come up with an amenable arrangement.
Arrangement? You have my Rex Regis Plasmator, just return it to me and your festivities can go back as planned.
If it really was yours you wouldn't be making a deal with me.
You don't have an iota of a clue who you're dealing with.
I think I know you pretty well.
It's not me you should be worried about.
I need that bug! It's an extinct species, it can't fall into the wrong hands.
Stop wasting time.
Whoa, professor dark, I mean Mornoe, what are you doing? Well, looky here excrement secreted by the Rex Regis Plasmator.
Unless you tell me where the bug is I'm going to call your father and tell him about the bacchanal that's going inside his house.
Bacchanal? That's ridiculous this party it totally tame.
Yeah, extreme trampoline! Yeah! One more chance.
Don't Jasper, he's He's in the fridge.
Bluffing Smart boy Bartlett.
Oh, no.
It's gone.
It has acid for saliva, did you really think you could contain it in a jelly jar or a refridgerator.
We found him once we can find him again.
I don't think you're in the position to be calling the shots here.
And when we do find the bug you won't say anything about this to Uncle B.
I won't? No, cause then I'll have to tell him about your box and then you'll have to explain what it had a bullet proof Kevlar lining which Rex's acid saliva couldn't eat through, I'm pretty sure there are postal codes about that.
Oh yeah, you have no idea how hard I can make life for you if we don't find this bug.
The more feet that come in here the harder it's going to be for you to find Rex without us.
He's already got a head start.
A half an hour and then I call.
Okay, lets follow the excrement.
Alright people lets get this party wild, yeah boy! The trail leads over there.
Hey, uh huh.
Here buggy buggy buggy.
What I like about you, you really hold me tight.
Tell me I'm the only one, wanna come over tonight.
Yeah! Keep on whispering in my ear, tell me all the things I wanna hear.
Arrggghhh Get it off! Professor Mornoe, way to represent.
Whoa! Yeah! Arianna, hi, you're here.
You're in my house.
Amazing party.
Is this a party game? I love party games.
I know we're were water balloon partners at Diane Gordan's eighth birthday party, do you remember? No, not really but I can't even remember what I ate for breakfast sometimes, so.
Are we looking for something fun? Oh, no, ah Maggie's earring, Maggie lost her earring it was a special earring.
Oh are such a gentleman.
I wouldn't call me a gentleman.
Henry, Henry it's going down the hall.
I'm so sorry, it's pearls.
I love guys who take accessories seriously.
Hey, Whoa, that's what I like, what.
That's scarier than a speedle.
I love this song.
I know you do I put it on the list cause you did your third grade jump rope routine to it, do you remember? No but let's sing it now.
Okay.
Jasper! Oh, you know what you stay here and start and then I will be right back, I promise.
Okay.
What I like about you, you really know how to dance.
- It went up.
- Then up we go.
I'm serious, you make me want to be a better man.
Griffin! Hunter! What's your deal? I need something from my room what's your deal.
I'm hanging with Sara.
It's Sally! Susy, I mean Sara, I mean Sally I said I wanted to be better.
Thanks a lot and what's bird man doing here.
We're looking for a bug.
A bug, you mean him? We mean giant, about the size of your ego, have you seen it? No I haven't because it doesn't exist Dr.
Dolittle Ahhh, what's that smell? Bug, bug! Hunter no don't flush it don't! Hunter, are you insane? You set a killer bug free into the world.
What was that thing and that nasty smell.
That smell was malodorous adrenal mist one of its myriad defense mechanisms it's an indestructible species and now it's loose.
Good luck with that.
Well is it still there? Only one way to find out, we'll have to go by feel.
What do you feel? A lot of things but not Rex.
Of course not, Rex Regis Plasmator it a master of evading capture.
Now that one's been found certain people will stop at nothing to get it, you realize it's a living fossil.
It's the same level as the Sealacamp rediscovered in 1938.
The giant La Palma lizard in Creatures so resilient that they're able to seemly disappear off the face of the earth only to reappear hundreds sometimes thousands of years later.
To the exultation of a choosen few.
Ah ha, like you! So what's your evil plan? Total world domination, an army of super bugs to do your bidding? Or are you just in it for the money? Okay, I think I've got him.
Don't let him go.
I lost him.
Sewer or septic tank? Septic tank, backyard.
Cannonball! I hope thats pineapple.
Hey Griffin, I hope it won't bug you if we set this up out here.
Oh no! Okay, kitchen's getting trashed, somebody stole all my briefs and oh yeah, football team is setting up the big screen on the lawn.
Remember when you said this party was going to be our beast, I think the beast is winning.
Not if I can help it.
We can't even get near the septic tank.
I'm calling the police.
Whoa, Julian wait! There's no waiting I need that bug.
Yeah, so does the guy that tried to steal the box from me at the museum.
Who is he? The less you know about that man the better it is for your body parts and since your portion of our barter literally went down the pipes, I have no choice.
I lose you lose boys.
Evening officer, I'd like to report a public nuisance.
Did that sound like a girl seeing a horrible bug scream to you? Hey I think we just found it.
Where? Follow us.
My mistake.
Pizza is not on the official party menu and neither is anything you can order by the foot.
Chill girl, this is the dopest drop in since the Colmans left Aruba.
It is? Arianna, are you okay? She saw a bug.
It jumped right out of the drain, it was ginormous.
Where is it now? I don't know! Jasper hold me! Okay! Dude, take a shower.
Doofus, take a hike! Well, he's got to be around here somewhere.
Oh, no! What are you doing! I heard it in here.
What you speak tomato? Get your own sandwich you freak.
There is goes.
We have to catch it.
Kevlar glove, it will hold him just like the box.
He could be anywhere.
Hey, those guys are playing tug of war with my underwear.
I know people are having a great time.
Where is Rex.
There.
Rex, it's Linden but ah, Rex is a much cooler name, can I use it? Sure.
Great.
Linden.
It's Rex, great party by the way.
One of the greatest, you'll go down in history.
Or in flames.
No.
Have you seen a big bug up here? There.
There you are.
- Can you see him? - Can you catch him? Hey Buglett, that's for making me stink! Rite of passage or not that crossing a line.
Come on Rex, I'll keep you safe.
There Kevlar should hold you for a while.
Okay, okay guys alright so I know no one likes soccer more then me but I think that we need to respect the awesomeness of dad's equipment, yeah? Hey Butlett, respect this! [cheering.]
Hey you saved it! And Rex.
Oh.
Pizza again.
Who keeps ordering these? Julian Mornoe.
Good he can pay, right ahead.
Well done.
Now give it to me.
No.
We had a deal.
You offered a deal, we never made one.
You want to call the police go ahead.
This is an animal not something for you to sell to get rich.
And don't think you're getting out of paying for these pizza's.
What pizza's? Give me the insect or I start shooting.
I want Rex, Professor.
I don't have it.
He does.
Go on Griffin give him the bug.
No.
Henry give him the bug or he's going to kill us.
How do we know he doesn't work for you? Because he doesn't work for me, you saw him trying to take the box from the museum.
Uh huh or maybe that was a set up.
He does know your name.
And, and he brought you pizza.
Henry give him the bug before he does something rash.
But why, I mean I get that Rex is worth a lot of money on the black market.
To very important people.
But there has to be something else Is this enough? I lost it once.
I'm not taking my eye off it again until I get rich now give me the bug before I turn this party into a funeral.
Henry I think he's serious.
Of course he's serious he's missing an eye, now give him the bug.
No, you're just going to have to shoot me but you won't because you're bluffing.
Told you he was bluffing.
Give me my bug! [people cheering.]
I've got Rex.
The bug please? This bug is going to be studied not sold.
I wouldn't be so sure of yourself, your uncle is about to have his eyes opened about you boys.
[police siren.]
You want the bug, fine you can have him.
I'll just explain your involvement in the illegal exotic animal trade with these friendly officers.
Or my parents can make sure Rex gets the right research team and we can tell those officers that we were almost robbed by a Cyclops but I slayed him, your choice.
You're a troubled boy Henry, someone should keep a closer eye on you.
We got a disturbance call, under aged vagrancy and 25 unpaid pizzas.
Who's in charge here? I am officer and I can assure you none of these kids have done anything wrong.
Here's the man you're looking for.
Here I collected it, nobody should risk their life because they can't pay for pizza.
Ah, thanks Arianna but Julian already offered to cover it.
You did that for me? I feel a strange connection to you Jasper like we've shared something before.
Uh huh, March 16th to the 23rd, No sorry but today was fun.
Fun? Today was epic! Ahhhh, alright new fridge will be here tomorrow.
Party cash will pay for it, my dad won't even notice.
I think he'll notice that.
Well, hunter got the team to put it up in exchange for my herbal odor remedy.
The box was too trashed to pretend it wasn't opened.
Isn't this how the whole day started, with you opening Julian's box? Well and honest mistake and a lucky one for Rex.
My parents know an entomologist in Sri Lanka how's going to give him a proper home.
Back in the mail with you little guy.
Oh, can I get mailed off to Sri Lanka before my dad gets wind of this? Oh come on, nothing bad even happened.
Are you serious? Contraband wild life, trashed plumbing, broken refrigerator, oh and the Cyclops pizza man.
Huh, I guess I was having too much fun to even notice.
Henry fun or normal fun? Both and I even made a new friend.
I hope he's still not on the roof.
You know, Arianna did say she had never been to a party where the cops were called before.
And imagine how great it could have been if we weren't shut down by 7:30.
Well, we can find out this Friday because Bryce and his extreme sports buds hired me to throw a board-a-polooza for them.
Well, I guess we found the beast and slayed it and there's still time for you to go bowling with that monkey.
Oh no more caf-monkey, I can't even get off the couch.
Great cause there's still one rite of passage we have to complete, don't worry we don't even have to move.
No, you're not going to turn this thing on.
Do it.
Arrrrggghhh, nature channel turn it off!
[door knocking.]
Son, get behind the door.
So my friend, it is ready? Huh? I'm very sorry but it wasn't what you were looking for after all, my apologies but there must have been some misunderstanding.
Ohhh, then I'm sorry too, for you! Who did you sell it too? Arrrgggghhhh! (inaudible) go! Go, go! [struggle.]
[crash.]
[struggle.]
Where was I? Ah, yes, your fingers.
Unless you tell me where that box is going! No! Nooooooo arrrgghhhh! He's gone! For the whole weekend, and we ducked the responsibilities talk.
And we dodged the expectations talk.
And derailed the junk food talk which means we can float away on a river of bacon flavored hot fudge, ice cream for breakfast? Yes and please! What's that? Morning Jasper, if you're reading this note or more likely if you're making Henry read it to you, then my alarm clock mysteriously failed to wake me and I was forced to rush to the airport without our usual talk but you boys are old enough to know how to behave on your own.
Be good I trust you.
Love Uncle Dad.
Is there anything else? P.
S.
I also need you to be home for a delivery today at 4 o'clock but make sure it stays in the box until I get back or you will lose all privileges.
That's it? P.
P.
S.
Now put the ice cream away before it melts.
Dude we scored, there were no specifics.
That's just behave and be good that leaves us with a wide spectrum of possibilities.
Three days and two nights on our own, we answer to no one! We are real men; there are no limits on our toppings! So, how are we going to celebrate our manhood? All night glow in the dark bowling with 24 pack of caf-monkey.
Or in some cultures manhood is earned by sacrifice and experience, the Masai send their boys into the wild alone and they're not allowed to return until they slay a beast worthy of celebrating.
You want to go hunting? Yeah, it would be fun.
No, that's not fun! Fun is hanging out with friends, its playing ping pong and ordering pineapple pizza.
It's not slaying beasts or stealing rubies or driving cars through museums or falling into quicksand.
Well I had fun doing those things.
I know but that's Henry fun you need to have normal fun you need to try doing things that other people consider fun maybe even with other people.
Okay, maybe we can invite Maggie over since she's good at ping pong and she really likes pineapple.
Okay, you need to branch out.
You've been here for six months; you haven't even been to a party.
I went to a dance.
That was a mandatory school chaperoned by my dad.
I'm talking about a real party with a sound system and junk food and as much caf-monkey as a body can pound.
And roast pig in a pit? And fire juggling and a porcupine toss? This is going to be great.
What's going to be great? Uncle Brian is out of town and we're going to have a dopey party.
I told you its dope not dopey.
And no parental unit at the Bartlett house tonight? Uh huh.
That's sweet! Henry What's the start time? Five o'clock? That means there food right? No food! A feast! And you've got a pool too, right? No swimming! And ping pong! This is going to be tight.
Un-chaperoned parties at the dean's house, you laymos aren't flam outs after all.
Are you insane? You said I should have more fun with more people.
NO, no, no I said that you should go to a party, not throw one at our house.
What if dad finds out, behave and be good, remember? What's up guys, so Alex and I are totally stoked for tonight.
We'll see you there Bryce.
Jack and Xander as well.
No, no, no you cannot just invite random people to our house.
Did Henry just invite Smithson High over to your house or am I being tested punked? Jasper said I should branch out.
No, Jasper said we should go bowling.
This is a huge mistake.
Hey Jasper, I saw you're throwing a house party, brash and recycle.
I know, right.
You know that's just the kind of risky guy I am.
So you're coming, you're actually coming? Only if I'm on your personal VIP list.
Am I as good looking as I feel right now? That was Arianna Gish right? You know she was my girlfriend for like a whole week in third grade.
And she hasn't talked to you since.
Gish Dish is on my VIP list, do you guys have any idea what that means? You don't even know what that means I think that means we are having a party.
You guys are willfully unprepared for what's about to happen.
What are you going to do for music? Jasper's laptop has Etuning.
And what about for food? Jasper said no pig so we decided on hot dogs, tofu for you.
None of you have ever been to a red blooded American teenage un-chaperoned party, have you? Don't judge; we're trying to be more brisky.
I'm just trying to help, you guys this is going to be a disaster if you don't start making some technical decisions immediately.
Like what? Well, first of all you need equipment, woofer, subwoofer, mutli-channel digital DJ mixer, Karaoke with duel table top capabilities.
Come on you know my dad's in the air force, no body throws it down like a fighter pilot.
Oh and if you're going to have hotdogs you're going to need a steam cart.
Okay? You're hired! What? Well you know more about parties and organizing than anyone we know.
No, no you guys are the captains of this titanic.
We'll pay you.
With what? With our undying gratitude.
Oh, and with a party planning business you can list on your college apps.
Its entrepreneurialism, they totally eat that stuff up.
Hmmm, Please, please say yes.
Please Maggs, please? Please don't let my formative social years be stunted.
I guess I could use the experience if I wanted to apply for that White House protocol internship.
Okay but on one condition, I am in total control.
When are you ever not? It just has to be fun, pizza, ping pong, hanging out.
No that's normal fun we have to have brisky fun.
Look Arianna Gish is going to be breathing the same air that I sleep in so no matter how severely we might pay for it, this party has to kill.
Like Henry just killed that bird? It's a Yi Bei Wang, Asian fighting roaster.
Stuffed in Indonesia? It's not stuffed anymore.
Who sent it? It's more like who it was sent to.
Julian Mornoe.
He's not going to like this.
Okay, you know what let's take this back up and focus on how we're going to impress the future Mrs.
Jasper Bartlett.
Does it look like I opened it? Guys, if we're committing to this I need your undivided attention, if we want this party to kill we can't take our eyes off, are you guys even listening to me? Maggie? You have to stay calm.
I'm not the one freaking out.
Yet.
Antenna? And claws.
Just don't lose your cool.
I'm pretty frozen right now, how big is it? Oh, it's not that bad.
It's bugzilla! Don't make any sudden moves.
Sudden moves, like this? Noooo! Get it off, get it off.
Where is it? Where is it? That was the biggest most disgusting thing I have ever seen.
This place is full of stuff like that.
Um, okay would you mind just mentioning to Arianna how bravely I held up when that man eating lobster bug took you down.
It's probably one of Garco's pets.
We'll lock it in.
I've got to get this box to Julian before he knows I looked inside.
Ew! A trampoline, ah no Hunter you can't bring a trampoline, hello? Henry this goes down as one of your all time worst ideas in history.
But you said this party was going to make history.
Like the Hindenburg.
No, no, no we can't crash and burn.
Well then I'm going to need a credit card.
No way, we can't leave a paper trail.
Make up your mind, do you want a party or not? I'm conflicted okay, it's a curse.
Let me un-conflict you, have you had a girlfriend since third grade? Here is the emergency card my dad gave me if I was ever lost or hurt or you know really, really hungry.
Okay, we'll just use it for deposits and we'll make our budget back with $10 cover charge.
You can't charge guests for blankets, that's bad karma.
Cover as in covering expenses and bad karma is getting you house egged and TP'd because you invited guests over without a clue.
Hey, that's not yours! Henry, stop him! Hey, what are you doing, that doesn't belong to you! It does now! Okay, know that was brisky.
Maybe it was just inclucky, inconvenient and unlucky.
Cause now professor bird brain had his box.
Henry, I presume you're alright.
I'm fine.
I was just bringing this to your office when that guy grabbed it.
Who was he? How should I know? But he opened my box, did you happen to see what he took out of it? Actually he didn't open it.
I did, by mistake.
I didn't realize it was yours.
What happened to my bird? Everything's in there.
That's the way it came.
We all saw.
It's been massacred.
What else did you see in this box? Well, what else were you expecting? You shouldn't take liberty with other people mail, Henry.
Postal tampering is a Federal offense.
Huh, professor darkness is in rare form.
Because he's hiding something.
If that bird was all he expected then why did he just throw away the box? And why did the guy in the sunglasses want it so badly? It's the bug.
We locked it in the dune shed.
Hey, I was carrying it; it ate a hole through my bag.
It used me! I think it's what Julian was expecting to find in that box.
We've got to get it back! Hey, there it is.
Ewww, what is that grotesque thing? Something that eats bigger things.
Like stuffed birds? What if the bird was just a decoy, something to hide the bug in for transport? Okay, can I remind you party boys that we have to feed and entertain an entire house full of people in a few hours.
You see, that's what I mean.
You're here having Henry fun while we should be helping Maggie with brisky fun.
Maggie is the best party planner in DC and she's got your credit card so we're cover charged.
I'm going to check out the entomology lab to find out more about this bug.
You stay here and keep a look out for it.
It's a plan.
But what if I find it? There you are.
Rex Regis Plasmator, what's so special about you? Carnivorous hyper tolerant species rapid multiplier, highly adaptable to any temperate zone, ravaged entire chain in south sea islands including early human populations until a volcanic eruption curtailed reproduction, current status, extinct.
All except one.
There you are.
Alright your mine, I'm so going to squish you like the bug you are.
It's you or me pal.
No, no, I am not going to let you ruin may party just because Henry can't find fun.
No, don't kill that bug! What? It's a Rex Regis Plasmator, a rare thought to be extinct species.
Well great, now you tell me! Whoa, whoa! Okay, that's one super bug.
It didn't even slow it down.
It classified as hyper tolerant carnivorous species, almost indestructible and it can destroy any ecosystem it breeds in.
But if there's only one? It can mate with other genetically compatible insects.
So you're saying it can create super bugs out of normal bugs that would eventually take over the world.
Exactly, we cannot let this guy lose.
Find me something to put this guy in but nothing he can eat through.
Okay, In here, safe and sound, there you go little guy.
Little, this thing's like the SUV of bugs.
This is one bizarro thing that you're not going to make friends with Henry.
Okay you take him, he's mad at me! He's just communicating, like the Madagascar hissing cockroach right before he strikes an enemy.
Good, now he's mad at both of us.
Oh, bad! It's almost four o'clock and that delivery is coming for my dad, we've got to get home.
What do you want to do with this thing.
We should take him to our house for safe keeping until I can get him to my parents.
They'll know the tight entomologist to get him to.
My house? Whatever Julian and that other guy want with this, it cannot be good.
They'll be looking for it here not at our house.
Nobody even knows that we know about Rex.
Don't name him! Listen carefully teach! I'm a professor actually.
A pain in my bank account is what you are.
Someone is going to pay me a lot of money for that creepy crawler.
That insect is a evolutionary holy grail.
So you're a saint for selling it to corporate industry instead of a private collector? You'd better prey that I get it back, those kids have my bug.
Who are they? I have no idea.
Find out because I'm going to have to take something valuable of yours if I don't get it back tonight and it's really hard to teach without a tongue.
Tonight! Careful, careful coming in, down, soft, down, soft, okay very fragile, do not try lifting this without a professional.
It's, installation is on the books for Monday, sign here and she's yours.
Okay, I give up what's in the, holy plasma! It's only the biggest I've seen grown men cry when they take this puppy out of the box.
Enjoy! No, Henry, don't open it.
We can't do that according to my dad's list, remember.
You're right.
This party is our beast our rite of passage, we cannot let anything go wrong.
I know, right! I mean this can be a tenth grade life changer.
Gish the Dish winked at me at lunch.
Ah hem, well while she was taking AP Flirting I was doing some research on Rex.
You know what makes him so rare? He's a spider beetle hybrid.
He's a speedle? What's that? Spider Beetle hybrid.
No, that and if it valuable I suggest you hide it during the party.
Along with anything else in this house you're fond of unless you want people messing with your tighty whiteys.
Alright, party starts in half an hour and every we have ever owned is now safely stored away in the garage and oh, I need some caf-monkey.
You should careful with this stuff, it can really make you Ah! Jumpy.
Who put the bug in the fridge? Does he really belong where we eat? Well cold temperatures slow him down.
He's got to lay low until I hear back from my parents.
But he belongs to Julian.
But not if Julian is involved in an illegal exotic animal smuggling ring.
Rich collectors do put a price on creatures like Rex.
And Komodo Dragons and Bengal Tigers, once the price is set hunter compete to fill the order.
And then they hire someone legitimate like Professor Mornoe to take the delivery.
Why would someone want an indestructible extinct bug that can destroy any eco-system on the planet? Wait for it Total world domination.
Some crazy crackpot Or some brilliant scientist, imagine what we could learn about survival from Rex.
Well, I just think, Henry it chewed right through the cup.
It's loose in my fridge; it's probably in my house.
Oh, he's just hungry that's all.
You like BBQ, huh? Don't make friends with it; I don't like how it's looking at me.
That thing is like the Iron Man of bugs.
Guests? No, no, no that can't be guests we're not ready, we're, we're not ready! NO, no, no relax it's probably the just the clown.
Clown? Yeah, it comes with the hot dog cart.
Alright, what are we going to do with Rex, I mean, it? Glass jar, he won't be able to get through it.
This party is going to be a disaster isn't it? Jasper, I have faith that today will be one of the most memorable days of our lives.
Oh, unless that's the international exotic animal trading police.
That should hold him pretty tight.
Hi, welcome to party.
According to Martha Stewart it rude to arrive early.
Oh, well there was no start time on the E-vite.
E-vite? What E-vite? Good Idea huh, I sent it viral about an hour ago so this place should be on fire in no time.
Oh good.
Awesome or what? Or what! I don't have enough fire extinguishers or veggie platters.
Sup Sup You guy aren't going to ride those in the house? Hey Griffin, what's the slope on your roof? It hangs over the pool right? Bryce, who are these guys? Alex, Jack and Xander, your friends remember? No, I mean all of them.
Well, that's kind of the point of having an internet party, you never know who's going to show up.
You mean it's on Tweety? You've never had a house party before have you? I've never even had a house.
Teenagers' home alone, it's never a good idea.
Julian, what are you doing here? Just looking out for my god brother and his friends, I now your uncle is out of town so I called him and offered to look in on you guys.
Look in, oh there's nothing to look in.
We're just having a few people over.
A few people, I'm sure your uncle would be more than interested in an update.
Unless you and I can come up with an amenable arrangement.
Arrangement? You have my Rex Regis Plasmator, just return it to me and your festivities can go back as planned.
If it really was yours you wouldn't be making a deal with me.
You don't have an iota of a clue who you're dealing with.
I think I know you pretty well.
It's not me you should be worried about.
I need that bug! It's an extinct species, it can't fall into the wrong hands.
Stop wasting time.
Whoa, professor dark, I mean Mornoe, what are you doing? Well, looky here excrement secreted by the Rex Regis Plasmator.
Unless you tell me where the bug is I'm going to call your father and tell him about the bacchanal that's going inside his house.
Bacchanal? That's ridiculous this party it totally tame.
Yeah, extreme trampoline! Yeah! One more chance.
Don't Jasper, he's He's in the fridge.
Bluffing Smart boy Bartlett.
Oh, no.
It's gone.
It has acid for saliva, did you really think you could contain it in a jelly jar or a refridgerator.
We found him once we can find him again.
I don't think you're in the position to be calling the shots here.
And when we do find the bug you won't say anything about this to Uncle B.
I won't? No, cause then I'll have to tell him about your box and then you'll have to explain what it had a bullet proof Kevlar lining which Rex's acid saliva couldn't eat through, I'm pretty sure there are postal codes about that.
Oh yeah, you have no idea how hard I can make life for you if we don't find this bug.
The more feet that come in here the harder it's going to be for you to find Rex without us.
He's already got a head start.
A half an hour and then I call.
Okay, lets follow the excrement.
Alright people lets get this party wild, yeah boy! The trail leads over there.
Hey, uh huh.
Here buggy buggy buggy.
What I like about you, you really hold me tight.
Tell me I'm the only one, wanna come over tonight.
Yeah! Keep on whispering in my ear, tell me all the things I wanna hear.
Arrggghhh Get it off! Professor Mornoe, way to represent.
Whoa! Yeah! Arianna, hi, you're here.
You're in my house.
Amazing party.
Is this a party game? I love party games.
I know we're were water balloon partners at Diane Gordan's eighth birthday party, do you remember? No, not really but I can't even remember what I ate for breakfast sometimes, so.
Are we looking for something fun? Oh, no, ah Maggie's earring, Maggie lost her earring it was a special earring.
Oh are such a gentleman.
I wouldn't call me a gentleman.
Henry, Henry it's going down the hall.
I'm so sorry, it's pearls.
I love guys who take accessories seriously.
Hey, Whoa, that's what I like, what.
That's scarier than a speedle.
I love this song.
I know you do I put it on the list cause you did your third grade jump rope routine to it, do you remember? No but let's sing it now.
Okay.
Jasper! Oh, you know what you stay here and start and then I will be right back, I promise.
Okay.
What I like about you, you really know how to dance.
- It went up.
- Then up we go.
I'm serious, you make me want to be a better man.
Griffin! Hunter! What's your deal? I need something from my room what's your deal.
I'm hanging with Sara.
It's Sally! Susy, I mean Sara, I mean Sally I said I wanted to be better.
Thanks a lot and what's bird man doing here.
We're looking for a bug.
A bug, you mean him? We mean giant, about the size of your ego, have you seen it? No I haven't because it doesn't exist Dr.
Dolittle Ahhh, what's that smell? Bug, bug! Hunter no don't flush it don't! Hunter, are you insane? You set a killer bug free into the world.
What was that thing and that nasty smell.
That smell was malodorous adrenal mist one of its myriad defense mechanisms it's an indestructible species and now it's loose.
Good luck with that.
Well is it still there? Only one way to find out, we'll have to go by feel.
What do you feel? A lot of things but not Rex.
Of course not, Rex Regis Plasmator it a master of evading capture.
Now that one's been found certain people will stop at nothing to get it, you realize it's a living fossil.
It's the same level as the Sealacamp rediscovered in 1938.
The giant La Palma lizard in Creatures so resilient that they're able to seemly disappear off the face of the earth only to reappear hundreds sometimes thousands of years later.
To the exultation of a choosen few.
Ah ha, like you! So what's your evil plan? Total world domination, an army of super bugs to do your bidding? Or are you just in it for the money? Okay, I think I've got him.
Don't let him go.
I lost him.
Sewer or septic tank? Septic tank, backyard.
Cannonball! I hope thats pineapple.
Hey Griffin, I hope it won't bug you if we set this up out here.
Oh no! Okay, kitchen's getting trashed, somebody stole all my briefs and oh yeah, football team is setting up the big screen on the lawn.
Remember when you said this party was going to be our beast, I think the beast is winning.
Not if I can help it.
We can't even get near the septic tank.
I'm calling the police.
Whoa, Julian wait! There's no waiting I need that bug.
Yeah, so does the guy that tried to steal the box from me at the museum.
Who is he? The less you know about that man the better it is for your body parts and since your portion of our barter literally went down the pipes, I have no choice.
I lose you lose boys.
Evening officer, I'd like to report a public nuisance.
Did that sound like a girl seeing a horrible bug scream to you? Hey I think we just found it.
Where? Follow us.
My mistake.
Pizza is not on the official party menu and neither is anything you can order by the foot.
Chill girl, this is the dopest drop in since the Colmans left Aruba.
It is? Arianna, are you okay? She saw a bug.
It jumped right out of the drain, it was ginormous.
Where is it now? I don't know! Jasper hold me! Okay! Dude, take a shower.
Doofus, take a hike! Well, he's got to be around here somewhere.
Oh, no! What are you doing! I heard it in here.
What you speak tomato? Get your own sandwich you freak.
There is goes.
We have to catch it.
Kevlar glove, it will hold him just like the box.
He could be anywhere.
Hey, those guys are playing tug of war with my underwear.
I know people are having a great time.
Where is Rex.
There.
Rex, it's Linden but ah, Rex is a much cooler name, can I use it? Sure.
Great.
Linden.
It's Rex, great party by the way.
One of the greatest, you'll go down in history.
Or in flames.
No.
Have you seen a big bug up here? There.
There you are.
- Can you see him? - Can you catch him? Hey Buglett, that's for making me stink! Rite of passage or not that crossing a line.
Come on Rex, I'll keep you safe.
There Kevlar should hold you for a while.
Okay, okay guys alright so I know no one likes soccer more then me but I think that we need to respect the awesomeness of dad's equipment, yeah? Hey Butlett, respect this! [cheering.]
Hey you saved it! And Rex.
Oh.
Pizza again.
Who keeps ordering these? Julian Mornoe.
Good he can pay, right ahead.
Well done.
Now give it to me.
No.
We had a deal.
You offered a deal, we never made one.
You want to call the police go ahead.
This is an animal not something for you to sell to get rich.
And don't think you're getting out of paying for these pizza's.
What pizza's? Give me the insect or I start shooting.
I want Rex, Professor.
I don't have it.
He does.
Go on Griffin give him the bug.
No.
Henry give him the bug or he's going to kill us.
How do we know he doesn't work for you? Because he doesn't work for me, you saw him trying to take the box from the museum.
Uh huh or maybe that was a set up.
He does know your name.
And, and he brought you pizza.
Henry give him the bug before he does something rash.
But why, I mean I get that Rex is worth a lot of money on the black market.
To very important people.
But there has to be something else Is this enough? I lost it once.
I'm not taking my eye off it again until I get rich now give me the bug before I turn this party into a funeral.
Henry I think he's serious.
Of course he's serious he's missing an eye, now give him the bug.
No, you're just going to have to shoot me but you won't because you're bluffing.
Told you he was bluffing.
Give me my bug! [people cheering.]
I've got Rex.
The bug please? This bug is going to be studied not sold.
I wouldn't be so sure of yourself, your uncle is about to have his eyes opened about you boys.
[police siren.]
You want the bug, fine you can have him.
I'll just explain your involvement in the illegal exotic animal trade with these friendly officers.
Or my parents can make sure Rex gets the right research team and we can tell those officers that we were almost robbed by a Cyclops but I slayed him, your choice.
You're a troubled boy Henry, someone should keep a closer eye on you.
We got a disturbance call, under aged vagrancy and 25 unpaid pizzas.
Who's in charge here? I am officer and I can assure you none of these kids have done anything wrong.
Here's the man you're looking for.
Here I collected it, nobody should risk their life because they can't pay for pizza.
Ah, thanks Arianna but Julian already offered to cover it.
You did that for me? I feel a strange connection to you Jasper like we've shared something before.
Uh huh, March 16th to the 23rd, No sorry but today was fun.
Fun? Today was epic! Ahhhh, alright new fridge will be here tomorrow.
Party cash will pay for it, my dad won't even notice.
I think he'll notice that.
Well, hunter got the team to put it up in exchange for my herbal odor remedy.
The box was too trashed to pretend it wasn't opened.
Isn't this how the whole day started, with you opening Julian's box? Well and honest mistake and a lucky one for Rex.
My parents know an entomologist in Sri Lanka how's going to give him a proper home.
Back in the mail with you little guy.
Oh, can I get mailed off to Sri Lanka before my dad gets wind of this? Oh come on, nothing bad even happened.
Are you serious? Contraband wild life, trashed plumbing, broken refrigerator, oh and the Cyclops pizza man.
Huh, I guess I was having too much fun to even notice.
Henry fun or normal fun? Both and I even made a new friend.
I hope he's still not on the roof.
You know, Arianna did say she had never been to a party where the cops were called before.
And imagine how great it could have been if we weren't shut down by 7:30.
Well, we can find out this Friday because Bryce and his extreme sports buds hired me to throw a board-a-polooza for them.
Well, I guess we found the beast and slayed it and there's still time for you to go bowling with that monkey.
Oh no more caf-monkey, I can't even get off the couch.
Great cause there's still one rite of passage we have to complete, don't worry we don't even have to move.
No, you're not going to turn this thing on.
Do it.
Arrrrggghhh, nature channel turn it off!