Up The Women (2013) Episode Scripts

Vote

1 Nana was a suffragette Never thought to fail Nana was a suffragette Spent the night in jail Singing, "Votes for women Is just a beginning "You haven't seen anything yet" Oh, Nana was a suffragette.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) The polling station looks shipshape and suffragette-free to me, Frank.
As I said, John, if we could just get on Only I've had orders from above to be especially vigilant after last night's attack.
Attack?! Yes, the Liberal candidate had his allotment dug up.
Shocking.
A whole plot of sprouts and 12 winter cabbages destroyed.
And for what, Frank? Hm? For what? Oh, the humanity! We know it was the suffragettes because they carved "Votes For Women" into a prize marrow.
I suppose it was that Banbury Free Suffragette Army.
Or their splinter group, the Young Suffrage Army, who are now calling themselves the Banbury Young Hot Bloods after their split from the Banbury New Hot Bloods, who have re-formed as the Banbury Free Young Hotties, not to be confused with the Banbury Bloody Hot Suffrage Squad or the Banbury Blood Transfusion Society.
We are awash with suffragism.
It's all the rage these days.
Well, any sign of brouhaha, just send the word.
I shall be patrolling the vicinity.
Yes.
Yes.
Well, toodle-oo! May I emerge now? Yes.
Sorry, all clear, Mrs Unwin.
It took all the will in the world not to say, "Hello!" Such dear old friends, Officer Thackeray and I.
I'm sure he would have been delighted to see me.
Well, best he didn't.
You're really not supposed to be here.
Yes, we promise not to cause any trouble, Frank.
Thank you.
Oh, your booth looks wonderful.
Just think, each man who swishes through these curtains holds in his hand a paper piece of representative democracy.
That could be you one day, Mrs Unwin, if your polite request is ever heard.
Do you think? "Good day.
I'm a woman.
I've come to vote!" (SHE CHUCKLES) This way, please, madam.
Shoes off or? Er, no.
No.
Come through.
Oh, what a splendid job you've done in here, Frank! I brought my easy chair, so the electors could sit and mull their options.
I do all my best thinking in that chair.
May I? Yes, of course.
Elasticated string to secure the pencil whilst allowing for a large circle of movement.
Oh! May I again? Oh, yes.
- Ooh! - Oh! I seem to have stretched the limits of democracy, Frank! No bother.
I will elect a new elastic.
Oh, very good, very good! That's where you would mark your ballot paper.
Yes, I have weighed up my options, and now I perform my duty as an enfranchised citizen.
What a responsibility! No wonder my husband never votes.
Does he not?! No, a man of Osbert's delicate sensibilities is easily overwrought by simple decision-making.
He barely leaves the house since I have bought him an alternative hat.
Well, when you're done filling in your ballot this way, please.
Here's the box where you put it in.
And then we count up all the ballots and the party you didn't vote for wins.
Oh! Oh, I see! Very good! Very good, Frank! So, who will you be voting for not to get in? Oh, well, I haven't really decided.
For me, it comes down to four of the 12 parties - Liberal, Independent Liberal, Independent Labour and Independent Independent.
Who would you be voting for if you could? Oh, well, I'm glad you asked, Frank, because I have given the matter much thought.
Well, look at the time! I'll be wanting to open the doors and you'll be wanting to start your piecemeal protest.
Peaceful protest.
We shall discuss electorate matters later.
I shall look forward to that Have you made us something delicious, Gwen? I'm not at liberty to say until I am.
four hundred and thirty-eight, four hundred and thirty-nine, five hundred That's lovely counting, Eva.
I've got to do a thousand of them! A thousand of numbers? No! Phlangic Span Eurythmics.
You do them to help the baby arrive.
Oh, I'm so fed up of looking like a pudding! The night Helen arrived was wonderful! It was during the carnival in Venice.
The Italians love babies.
So I left her with a gondolier and went to a masked ball.
Mummy said my birth was painful and difficult, like me.
Mother says I came out with a full head of hair and a big smile on my face.
Which turned out to be trapped wind.
Good day, fellow protestistes! - Good day, Thomas.
- Oh! Look, Margaret, Thomas has made another one of his things.
Splendid! Is it some sort of algorithmic calculator? Yes, I am calling it the Concentric Votational Predict-O-Graph, with which I intend to monitor the progress of the election.
- Wonderful, Thomas.
How does it work? - Yes Well, see here.
On this outer circle, one enters the number of voters.
These inner wheels then chart the indicators of political leaning, such as hat, brogues, cane, pipe, satchel, monocle, whippet, limp, cuffs, beard, teeth, et cetera.
Let us imagine 12 men enter the polling booth.
Ten are wearing a top hat, three smoke a cheroot and one has large muttonchops.
Then this wheel rotates to predict the most likely outcome, which is in this case The Independent Smoking Muttonchop Party? Ah, no, no, no, no.
The result is revealed here, behind the flap.
Ah! Tories.
I hope one day that there shall be an entire circle dedicated to the lady voter with indicators such as parasol, perfume, hair up, hair down Trousers? Oh! (CHUCKLES) Imagine that! Isn't it maddening to be so excluded from everything? Margaret? What daring action shall we take today to make our demands be heard? Um Will we booby-trap the booth to blow up when a man goes in? - Ah - Or climb on the roof and throw bangers at the voters? Um - We can bring Parliament to its knees! - Well, I What's happening? Margaret has a staggering plan! First, we are to set our banner on the table and then fan out the pamphlets, and as the voters arrive, we will politely request them to spoil their ballots.
Boring.
That's it? We're going to fan pamphlets and flirt with men? Ooh, when can I start? I know it's not very daring, but we really shouldn't be here, and I did promise Frank.
- Are we telling them yet, Margaret? - No, not yet, not yet! I don't see why we can't just break something.
When has violence ever really solved anything, Emily? Well, Roger Urquhart was once choking to death on a radish and I saved his life by whacking him on the back with a plank.
I suppose, in extenuating circumstances But we intend to engage in action that is both peaceful and effective.
Such as? Well, see here, in my pamphlet, A Suffrage Guide To Passive Aggression, 101 Suggestions For Expressing Aggression Passively.
You'll find it rather powerful.
"Smoke a pipe indoors.
Go to university.
"Knit a picket.
Shout sternly through a letter box.
"Cut a hedge into a shocking shape.
" Yes, that that one's rather extreme.
I suppose I could smoke a pipe indoors.
And I do rather love to shout.
- May I? - You may.
(SHOUTS) Votes for women! Bravo, Miss Emily.
"Sew tripe into an important curtain.
"Leave a party without saying goodbye.
"Fill a shoe with butter.
" What a load of old cobblers.
Eva! (GASPS) Oh, sorry, did I say that out loud? Oh, I don't know what's come over me today.
It's as if everyone and everything is so very irritating.
Especially you, Margaret.
I think it's the way you wear your glasses and you fuss around without ever actually doing anything.
Whenever Mother gets a cob on, I mesmerise her.
I learnt it from a Gypsy.
You can make a chicken go droopy just by lying it down and drawing a line in chalk from its beak.
And how do you mesmerise your mother? I lie her down and draw a line in chalk from her beak.
Ladies, I am pleased to announce the polling station is now officially open.
Prepare to win over the hearts and minds of the electorate! Rosettes on, please! Yes, good.
Don't we look fine! We look like third-prize ponies in a gymkhana.
Oh.
Well Oh, no, I've done it again, haven't I? Oh, normally, if I'm feeling a little peevish, I just take it out on Gwen - cos she doesn't mind.
- No, I don't mind! But today it's as if I only hate you! Oh, quick, someone's coming.
Fan the pamphlets.
I'm here, I'm here.
It's Attila the Helen.
Good day, Helen.
Have you come to support the cause? Absolutely not.
We have come to vote.
Lawrence is just parking the motor.
What ineffectual effort are you wasting yourselves on today? Well, we hope, with reason and badinage, to persuade the voters to support our cause and spoil their ballots.
Reason and badinage? Yes.
When a voter enters, we shall say, "Good day, sir.
How are you?" That's the badinage.
"We are the" No.
- Sorry? - No.
- Oh, I see.
You're being a voter.
- Yes, I am.
Persuade me.
Oh, er, yeah, a practice run.
Good.
Um Well, then.
(CLEARS THROAT) Um, hello! Might I No.
It's interesting you say no.
Um, do you No.
When you say no, perhaps what you mean to say is No.
Would you like a scone? Yes! Ladies.
Having a cake sale? Er, no.
We are Wasting their breath.
Will you support our cause? No.
Let's vote, shall we? Mr Lawrence Bute, industrialist.
Ah, Mr Bute, sir, it is a pleasure to Er, I am a friend of - Miss Emily is - No! In you go, Lawrence.
Just put a tick by the Liberal Independents.
Right you are.
Off you pop now.
I'm sure you have to be important somewhere.
Would you like a scone, Mr Bute? Oh, yes! No, thank you.
He's watching his girth.
Goodbye, Lawrence.
Ladies! Eugh! Oh! Oh, Helen, you've been sabotaged! They're they're suffrage scones loaded with soap powder.
Yes, to froth in your mouth when you refuse to spoil your ballot.
Ugh! Revolting! Oh, Mummy, is it too hideous? Don't be cross, Helen.
We're testing a recipe I invented for a section in my pamphlet on weapons of mild discomfort.
Well, now you have something else in your pamphlet.
I trust, Frank, that you do not intend to contravene electoral rules by allowing this thin end of the insurgent wedge to lodge itself in the heart of our election.
I'm sure you ladies don't mean any harm.
I can turn a blind eye.
Can you indeed? Show me the rule book.
As I thought.
"It is the duty of the presiding officer" That's you, Frank.
"carefully to exclude "all persons other than his clerks and the necessary constables.
" Nothing about a troupe of hooting lady clowns.
Which means they cannot be here.
Who reads the rules, really? I do.
And I abide by them.
And unless you wish to be stripped of your position, I suggest you too abide.
Who died and made you queen of all the killjoys? Not you, alas, Mother.
No, no, no.
Helen's right.
We don't want Frank to get into trouble.
We really should leave.
Come on, ladies.
Help! Help! You and you! There's a man exposing himself in the churchyard! Ooh! I should go.
Yeah, go! Thomas, will you assist me, please? Gladly.
(SHE CHUCKLES) They only went and fell for it! I made it up.
You were thinking, "How can we get rid of Grandad and the other one? "How can we get rid of these men and get on with our votes for women?" Well, now we have.
No need to thank me! Thank you, me.
I know who you lot are.
Er, yes, we are the BICC - PRW - What's this? Scones in the morning? Has the world gone mad? Oh, don't touch.
They're booby-trapped.
Glyn? Is that Glyn? It's Glyn, everyone! Glyn! - Gwen.
- That's what I says.
Look at you! Glyn and I are best friends.
Always in my shop, she is.
Come here! Betty works in the sweetshop.
I've been in once or twice.
I've been away.
I got sent down for suffragetting.
Who chopped the blueberry muffins off a statue of Venus? Me.
My idea.
That was the Banbury Free Suffragette Army.
I love the Banbury Free Suffragette Army.
They're my absolute suffrage heroines of all time! Yeah, I left them when they stopped inviting me.
They splintered off to form a splinter, and that splinter splintered and now it's just me.
Lone splinter.
Gobstopper? Eugh, no! You're more of a lemon sherbet, sour face.
Guess what I am.
Guess.
Guess.
Guess.
An idiot? Sorry.
I'm the new member of the B-I-C-C-P-R-A-W-N-S.
Actually, Betty, we were just leaving.
- No we're not! - Yes, yes, we were.
I'm afraid we are not allowed in the hall - during the, er, voting.
- Cough candy.
Coltsfoot rock.
Padlock and chain! Ah! What's that for, Betty? MYRTLE: She's locking us in! (GASPS) Do something, Margaret! Er, yes, er Sorry, Betty, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to Boom! stop that.
Well done, Margaret(!) Whoo! Vote your way through that, men of Banbury! What on earth do you think you're doing? Oh, who invited her? Unlock this padlock at once! What if I don't? I shall have to insist.
Go on, then.
I insist you unlock this padlock at once.
No.
I am going to call the police.
Go on, then! You leave me no choice.
Police! Yes, well, I think they will be here very soon now.
(BETTY GASPS) What's in 'ere - the Elephant Man? I'm going in! Ooh, plush.
This is all your fault, Margaret! - Get her out, Margaret! - (BETTY SNORES) Or get us out.
Get her out! She's awfully like my old geography teacher.
The one who wore her bloomers on the outside.
Do you remember, Mummy? They made her better with electricity.
I'm sure it's a simple misunderstanding.
Of your making, Margaret.
We shall all wait in the kitchen while you retrieve the key.
I-I? - Y-Yes, I - Oh, no, no, Betty won't listen, Margaret.
I once went into her shop for a bag of humbugs and came out with a photograph of King George! Nevertheless, this is Margaret's mess and she must clear it up.
- (WHISPERS) Yes.
- Gwen! Um (CLEARS THROAT) Er Betty? Er Betty? (GASPS) Oh! Betty? Oh, Marjory! - Margaret.
- Ohh! I'm glad I had that nap, Marjory.
I think that's been one of the problems.
Not enough naps.
Or too many.
I dreamt we were together in a field, all of us, the BICCP WW PRWS.
All of us, the gang, in our rosettes.
Well, I haven't got a rosette yet, but in the dream I had one, we all did.
You know how that happens in a dream, when you've got something you haven't but you have in the dream? You know? Yes, er, Betty Yeah, I thought you'd know.
Not many people know, but you do.
I think that's because you're a touch special.
Oh, thank you.
In a good way, though, in a good way! Like one of those people who writes lists and then crosses things off very neatly.
Things like, "Buy ink for my pen, "repair umbrella, "order rosette for Betty, our new recruit.
" That sort of thing.
"Give Betty my rosette until the new one turns up.
" That sort of thing.
"Give Betty my rosette!" Well, I Oh, no, don't give it to me! I don't want it, I won't have it.
It's your rosette! Anyway, you might not want me in your group.
The others didn't.
Er Betty, um, I, we Well, we all were keen to keen to perhaps discuss the chains.
Discuss the fact that you've locked us in.
Strawberry shoelace? It's my last one, but you can have it.
- Er, no, no, no, I - Take it.
Oh, I know this sounds ridiculous but I thought you were coming in here to get rid of me! - Well, in truth - I feel bad about the rosette now.
No, don't worry about the rosette.
You can have the rosette.
Oh, no, I don't want it, Marjory.
No, no, please, please, take it.
I don't want it unless you're absolutely sure about me.
This is where I've gone wrong in the past, you know.
Not taking the hints, not seeing the signs, not reading the five-page letters of rejection! No, I want it to be different this time, so I am asking you (TAKES DEEP BREATH) do you or do you not want me in your group? Do you want me or not? Yes or no.
Yes? No? No? Yes? Just be honest.
- Well - Yes! This is just the beginning, Marjory! When we get out of prison for suffragetting, I'm going to introduce you to my budgie, Cindertoff.
I know he's going to like you.
I feel like I've known you all my life, Mildred.
Marjory, er, Margaret! Never had a best friend before! Apart from Glyn, of course.
This is nice! Oh, Frank, you were not to know that the alleged pest in the churchyard was not, in fact, exposing himself.
Did you know he was a gravedigger? Indeed I did, Frank, which is why I tried to alert you to the fact before you punched the innocent man into his freshly-dug grave.
Ah, morning, sir.
Voting this way.
The door appears to be barred.
If you might just give us a moment, sir.
Frank, Thomas, there appears to be a small pocket of voters outside.
Any reason why they're unable to access the booth? Is it very important I tell the truth, John? On this occasion, Frank, very much so.
They promised they wouldn't and it looks like they have.
It's Mrs Unwin and her lot, isn't it? - I believe so.
- Right! I'm going to fetch my loud-hailer from home, Frank.
By the time I get back, I want to see these doors open or all your suffragettes will be arrested.
Should we warn the women, Frank? Er, yes.
BETTY: Pineapple pip? Why's Betty from the sweet shop still here? I'm with the BFCBFFUR! - Open up, Betty! - No! We're taking a stand for female suffrage! Does Mrs Unwin know about this? Oh, yeah, we're all in this together.
But she gave me her word! There's something fishy going on here.
I wouldn't trust Betty from the sweet shop.
It's common knowledge she doesn't listen to a word anyone says.
Yes, she once gave me a pound of liquorice torpedoes when I simply stopped by to ask for the time.
What are we going to do, Thomas? Frank, leave it to me! Yes, she is to introduce me to her budgerigar, Cindertoff.
Birds are nice, Margaret! Father once brought a canary home from the pit.
We called him Pit.
It's a shame we couldn't revive him.
Where's your rosette, Margaret? (GASPS) You gave it to her, didn't you? All right, I'm just going to come out and say what we're all thinking.
Margaret, you are pathetic! - I did try.
- Oh, no, look! I've made your face go all sad and saggy! Oh, Margaret, pay me no attention, I don't know what's come over me! Oh, would you like me to mesmerise you, Eva, like I do Mother? Mesmerise that Betty flapchops and tell her to let us out of here.
- If only! - I could try? - Oh, would you, Gwen! - Very well.
Oh, good luck, Gwen! Thank you, Gwen! Fiery bonbon? (KNOCKING) Burns, doesn't it? - (GASPS) - (KNOCKING) How did she get up there?! Ladies, do not be startled.
Oh, Thomas! I knew he would rescue us.
How awfully brave.
Gwen, help me up.
Ladies, you are to be arrested imminently.
Oh, goody! Unless you liberate yourselves from the hall and the dastardly grasp of Sweetshop Betty! Oh, for heaven's sake! - Oh, Thomas! - Oh, Miss Emily! I thought I might never see you again.
I could not bear it.
- Could you not, Thomas? - No.
If anything were to happen to you, I couldn't live for another minute.
Nor I! If only I had some sort of keepsake, something to remember you by for ever.
Will you be much longer, Emily? I can give you a keepsake, Thomas.
- You can? - Yes.
Kiss me.
- Pardon? - Kiss me, Thomas.
Through the window? Or should I climb in? Emily! Get down at once! - (CLATTERING) - Thomas! THOMAS: Ganglions! (KNOCKING) THOMAS: I'm quite all right.
Well, I hope you're pleased with yourself, Margaret.
Now we are to be imprisoned for preventing His Majesty's elections.
But we've done nothing wrong! Other than break the law by preventing the electoral process.
What if I fall in with a bad crowd and become a cockerney villain? I refuse to be incarcerated for a cause I do not believe in.
Nor shall I fail in my duty as a subject of this great Empire to protect an Englishman's right to vote.
And fortunately, I am no lily-livered pacifist! Votes for men! United we stand! Thomas, come and see this! HELEN: Give me that key at once.
Come on, you deluded sugar booby! - Give it! - Oh, that's Mrs Bute.
What is she doing with Betty? Ooh! Mrs Bute appears to have Betty from the sweet shop in a headlock.
- Goodness, Frank! - (GRUNTING) Oh, no she's wriggled out.
- (BANGING) - Oh, Mrs Bute is down! Oh, Betty's put her in a half-nelson.
Oh, it's a full nelson.
Wait! Mrs Bute is down on one knee.
- (BANGING) - Oh, she's flipped it! I think Mrs Bute has the key! I have it! BETTY: Marjory! Glyn! Where have you been? Let's take her down! Who's with me? Nobody is, Betty! Annoying.
Oh, I hate to say this, Helen, but well done! Well, I hate to say this, Mother, but thank you.
OFFICER THACKERAY: (OVER LOUD-HAILER) Ladies, this is the police.
You are to open this door immediately.
I just Put that ridiculous thing down.
Right.
Very good.
I see you've opened the doors.
Let's get back to the voting, shall we? Frank, mark this down as a procedural hiatus.
I'm sorry I let you down, Marjory.
Lemons is sturdier than she looks.
We may have lost the battle, but we haven't lost the war and I for one am proud to be fighting alongside the BICC What is it again? Yes, I do admire your principled intentions, Betty.
Perhaps if you were to listen occasionally, there would be a place for you here at the BICCPRWS.
Oh, I get it! You're throwing me out.
- No, no, that's not - I thought you were my best friend.
But it turns out you're not.
Cindertoff is going to be very upset when he hears I've been let down.
- Again.
- No You misunderstand.
Thanks for nothing! There you are, Glyn.
Oh, hello, Officer Thackeray! Sorry about all of this.
Margaret.
Don't worry, I'm not here to arrest anyone.
Oh, thank goodness! Come through, gentlemen.
God, look at this mess! My ballots are all over the place.
I dread to think what Betty's been doing in my booth.
Oh, my goodness! - Oh, my Lord! - What now? I don't think there'll be any voting going on in there today.
EVA: I've had a baby! Ooh! Eva! You hardly made a sound! So brave.
Well, when you've had 14 of them, it's like shelling peas.
Can we get you anything, Eva? Tea? When I gave birth, I had an intense desire for a glass of champagne.
No champagne, thank you, Myrtle.
But could someone pop to the shops and get me a bag of sweets? Only joking! Oh! I'm sorry I've been a tiny bit grumpy.
- Oh, no.
- Don't be silly.
Especially with you, Margaret.
I know you can't help being the way you are.
Is it a boy or a girl, Eva? It's a girl.
What are you going to call her? Oh, why, I hadn't thought.
Well, Charlie wanted Herbert if it was a boy, and if it was a girl, he doesn't care.
Suffrage? Oh, yes, Margaret, I shall call her Suffrage.
Oh! Oh, baby Suffrage welcome to the world.
Up, up, up the women Don't do that, Margaret.
Nana was a suffragette Never thought to fail Nana was a suffragette Spent the night in jail Singing, "Votes for women Is just a beginning "You haven't seen anything yet" Oh, Nana was a suffragette.