Upper Middle Bogan (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Your Roots Are Showing

It's totally shattered.
I can't even text.
Can I please have a new screen? Yes, you can.
If you pay for it yourself.
How else will you learn to look after it? I've lost my phone again.
Not by watching my parents.
I didn't say we were role models.
Guys, I'm running late for Wayne and Julie.
Where's my phone? Wow.
I want that app.
-Mum! Something's happened.
I can't see.
Oscar, take those out.
Do you remember what happened with the walnuts? Hi, Mum.
-Darling! Have you got any plans? It's going to be a beautiful day.
Today? I'm not forecasting the weather.
Yes, today.
I thought we might head out to the gallery at Heide.
There's a new exhibition in the sculpture garden there that everyone's talking about.
You hate sculpture.
But I love the chicken sandwiches in the cafe.
I'm sorry, Mum, I can't today.
I've got work.
But today's your day off.
No, it's not.
Edwina scanned your roster and emailed it to me.
Oh, did she? That is very helpful of her.
No, when I say work, it's not work as in it's not a shift on my roster.
It's actually a stop work meeting.
Good grief, a what? You're a doctor, not a railway worker.
Yes.
But, um, we are still having some issues just in terms of conditions and pay.
Not that I agree with all of them, of course, because I'm very well paid, obviously, and -Very bad at lying.
Anyway, the point is that I'm tied up today.
Oh, look at that.
You're here.
A stop work meeting? When on Earth did the AMA become so unseemly? This is what happens when they start offering medical degrees at Wollongong University.
-That's appalling.
They've been handing them out for some time apparently.
No, what you just said is appalling.
How can you be such a snob? I know it's fashionable to be inclusive but I raised you to be better than that.
The Denyars don't stop work.
Well, as it happens, I'm not totally a Denyar, am I? I'm actually a Wheeler too.
I wouldn't say that.
I know, not even while being waterboarded.
You may have raised me but there's no escaping from the fact that I come from a family of drag racers.
Don't speak like that.
I'm going to go and see them now.
They're going to the stop work meeting? I should have known they'd rope you into something like that.
There is no stop work meeting.
I made that up because I didn't want you to be upset that I was spending the day with the Wheelers.
You're spending the day with the Wheelers? With Wayne and Julie.
-Isn't there some stop work meeting you should be at? Well, where are you going? What are you doing? -I don't know.
They're taking me somewhere.
It's a surprise.
Perhaps they're taking you somewhere with a dress code.
That'd be a surprise.
You just be careful.
You don't know these people.
They're not like us.
They're not like you.
Ta-dah! Isn't she a beauty? She sure is.
-You didn't guess we were coming out here, did you? No, I did not.
-Thought you might have worked it out when you saw us heading towards the raceway.
I told you we should have used the blindfold, Jules.
No, no, I didn't have a clue where we were.
I've never been here before.
Never? Not even at school? -Surely your school had an excursion or something.
Did they ever hold an outdoor arts festival here? But it's lovely, isn't it? Oh, I'm so excited to see you drive.
Wow! We're not driving.
You are.
-We bought you a hot lap! I have never even heard of a hot lap but apparently I'm getting one.
I'm so turned on right now.
Say hot lap again.
Danny, I'm serious! So am I.
What are you wearing? Something that stops me from bursting into flames.
I may die but at least I won't burn.
And not turned on anymore.
Why are they doing this? They said they wanted to make up for all the birthdays and Christmases that they've missed out on.
How long do you think it would take the helicopter to get here from Accident and Emergency? Bessy! Love you, Danny.
-You don't have to do this.
-Of course I have to do it.
They got a hot lap for all their kids on their 21st birthday.
It's some sort of rite of passage.
So? You're not their other kids.
OK, I want you to listen to me.
What I say goes.
If I say accelerate, I want you to hammer it.
And when I say brake, I want you to plant both your feet so hard on your pedal that you think your eyes are gonna pop right off your face.
Right? Yep.
Wayne, hop out, mate.
What would you say about me riding shotgun, Tone? Just this once? I'd say what I say every time you try this on.
Get out.
You're the boss.
OK, both hands on the wheel like you mean it.
You are driving, not dusting.
Jesus! Got any gold coins? Piss off, Wayne.
Last chance for me to do the honours, Tony.
-Julie! You're not doing the hot lap, babe.
Let it go.
Wayne, if you want to do it instead of me, I mean, I don't mind.
Accelerate! Just go.
Go! Go, baby! Go, baby! I feel terrible she had to wait so long for this.
Go, go, go, go, go! Go where? Just go! Why are you yelling at me? Go! Happy birthday! -Merry Christmas! Come on, take the corner.
Hard in, deep out! Hard in, deep out! I don't know understand what that means! -Go hard! -That is so rude! Ooh, she took that well.
Yeah, textbook.
Hard in, deep out.
Flat chat in the straight! Can you please say something that I understand? Go, go! Thank you! Come on, hard in, deep out.
-Hard in Deep out! Hard in, deep out.
I know! I know! Oh, my God! Whoa Aah So the thing about driving into corners is you've got to take the shortest line possible which means you've got to turn the wheel really, really hard and then get back over here.
No, go right ahead.
I wasn't happy with the kitchen there anyway.
It was incredible, baby.
I was incredible.
I was so fast.
You should have seen me on the final straight.
I had my foot flat on the floor and Wayne and Julie were cheering me on.
And you did all this without dying.
Yeah! Do you know why I didn't die? Because it'd be really bad for the hot lap core business.
Because I'm a Wheeler.
Don't you see? I had the time of my life out there in spite of my mum raising me to think of the car as a death trap.
I have always been way too cautious because of her.
Anyway, the point is, today I wasn't cautious.
I wasn't scared.
I was a maniac out there! Oh, for the first time in my life, I felt like I really belonged.
I don't feel so weird about going to Brianna's birthday party anymore.
I feel like I can really fit in.
Do you still want to go, honey? What? What's wrong? What? -Parent-teacher interviews.
-Bags Edwina! -No, no, no, no, no! You did Edwina last year.
I did Oscar, remember? You probably don't because it was me, not you, who was asked by five different teachers whether Oscar had been psychologically tested.
Two of them asked whether I'D been psychologically tested.
OK, fine.
We'll both go.
-What? No! That's not what I meant.
Oh! You're home.
I didn't think you'd be back from the country yet.
Mum, Wayne and Julie don't live in the country.
Oh, I think when you get that far down the freeway, it's either the country or a holiday.
-Margaret, hey! This must be Conway.
Yes.
Conway, this is my daughter, Bess, and Danny.
Hi.
Hi.
OK.
Oscar's in his room so just come on through.
Conway is Margaret's birthday present to Oscar.
The maths tutor? -Yeah.
-Danny, I told you we weren't going to do that.
Three little word, parent teacher interview.
Or as Oscar would say, seven little words.
So you're at uni? That's so cool.
Do you sleep in a lot? My friend Caspian's brother is at uni and he sleeps in all the time.
And one time, he slept for three days after he had 18 beers at the uni bar.
Then me and Caspian wondered what it would be like to have 18 drinks of anything.
So I had four bottles of creamy soda and my guts practically exploded all over the toilet -Here's the deal.
I'll do your homework if you don't speak to me again.
He's extremely bright.
He won the university maths medal last year.
Pat actually wore it to View Club one day.
It was terribly infra dig.
Pat? Conway's Pat's grandson.
That's a big pork belly, isn't it? I thought that you didn't like Pat.
Well, I didn't know about the maths medal.
It looks delicious, Danny.
Didn't know you were a fan of raw pork, Margaret.
Would you like to stay for dinner, Mum? What, tonight? Ooh, I'll have to check my calendar.
Oh, yes, Sunday.
Pat wants to invite you all to an MCC luncheon with the Australian cricket team.
She wants to return the favour.
What favour? I thought that you were paying Conway to tutor.
The MCC.
The Australian cricket team? Did you want this really crispy, Margaret? Really crispy.
This Sunday? No, we can't.
-Why not? -Why not? Because it's Brianna's birthday.
Julie's invited us for lunch.
So? So I've missed all the birthdays, Danny.
Exactly.
One more won't make any difference.
I mean, she'll have another birthday next year.
I won't get to be in the same room as Michael Clarke next year.
I don't think that they're comparable.
You're right because Brianna is not the Captain of the Australian cricket team.
Danny! I can't believe you're being so selfish! Me selfish?! Do you know how valuable these tickets are? Do you know how hard they are to come by? -Why is Pat being so generous? What's wrong with Conway? There's nothing wrong with Conway.
Pat's just grateful that he's out.
Meeting people.
You know what bright people are like.
Can be difficult to tear them away from the computer.
Oh, your bathrobe.
It has slipped.
Perhaps you could help me untangle it.
Good.
Oh, awesome! Do we get breadcrumbs in case we can't find our way back to the car? Get out, please.
Both of you.
Why can't you design houses like this, Dad? Because then I would have to kill myself.
That's horrible.
Not as horrible as that house.
I told you not to come.
I told you to go to the stupid cricket thing with my mother.
Yeah, and I know what that meant.
That meant, 'Sure, go to the cricket thing with my mother.
But don't expect sex anytime, ever.
' You really should have gone to the cricket thing.
Same outcome.
Seriously? You are unbelievable.
No matter how angry I am with you, I still want to have sex.
Who said chivalry was dead? Mum! Hey, big sister! Hey, little sis Uh, birthday girl.
Oh, my God! Is this what I think it is? Are you serious? Travel hot rollers! How did you know? Thank you so much.
I love them.
When the fuck do you travel? Amber.
Swear jar.
For race days.
I can keep them in the truck.
I'm, like, the face of Wheeler Racing.
You are not! And she's the arsehole.
Brianna! She is.
That's hardly the point, though, is it? I'm going to go put these on.
So, come on.
Come through.
Oh, wow, look at this place.
It's so big! Thank you.
Yeah, we went for the deluxe version.
You can't put a price on space, can you? Yeah, well, you can.
We've got a mortgage the size of Jupiter to prove it but we love it.
Oh, I can see why.
You must use a lot of energy in here.
That's why I have a big breakfast.
The stairs alone wear me out.
I didn't mean that kind.
Edwina, have you seen the outdoor kitchen? Are you Jewish? That's a bit personal, isn't it? Is it Kosher or something? Why do you have two kitchens? Two kitchens, three garages and how many bathrooms? Five.
Six if you count the one in the bungalow.
Six bathrooms? Cool! Cool! I know! Wow! So cool! I mean, I just Oh, I just really envy this kind of space.
We just don't get this kind of space where we are.
Well, there's a difference between space and size.
No, there's not.
Anyway, it's the size that I love.
I mean, it just feels like a beautiful home for a family, doesn't it? Wish we lived here, Mum.
I know.
I can see us living here, I really can.
Yes! Look at the room in here.
I've got that colander.
How freaky is that? I have got that exact same colander! And these glasses? I've got these glasses! This is exactly like my kitchen! Hey, hey! Where's this dragster we've heard so much about? Are we gonna get to see it or what? Want to help me clear the driveway? Yeah! OK, you can drive.
-Come on, sweetie.
Baby, baby, baby! I'm sorry for not supporting you.
I didn't realise how mental you were feeling about all this but now I see.
And I'm sorry.
Because you're being mental about living out here, aren't you? Baby? This is where the magic happens.
You ready? -Yep.
One, two, three.
-Geez, Kayne.
Right in front of you.
The big can! Nope, I can't see it.
Is that you, Mum? Did you turn the lights off? Turn 'em back on.
We're trying to fix the engine over here! Oh, Kayne, don't be so insensitive.
How's that supposed to make your father feel? It's funny.
Oh, hey, I didn't see you there.
Because you had the golf balls in your eyes.
That was hilarious, Uncle Kayne.
Hi, Kayne.
Hi, Shawn.
Can I please get in the Janis? As long as you promise not to take off and nip down the shops or anything like that, alright? I won't.
OK.
Hey, has Bess told you what a natural she is, Danny? She mentioned it a couple of times.
Dad! Check it out.
A real, actual, in the flesh Top Fuel Dragster.
That is pretty special.
How fast does that go? Zero to 320 miles per hour in 4.
6 seconds.
What he said.
Horsepower starts at 7.
000 and its maximum RPM at 8.
300.
It runs on 95% nitromethane, which is why you get the awesome flames out the back.
That is exactly right.
You're amazing, Oscar.
I learnt your website off by heart.
Did he just say he learned something off by heart? Did he just say he learned something? Hey, Oscar, do you want to take the engine apart with me? Can we do it with golf balls in our eyes? And so even when I was coming down the final straight with my foot flat on the floor, he was yelling at me.
Oh, no, thanks, Amber, I can't drink beer.
It gives me terrible reflux.
- Doesn't stop me.
Go on, Bess.
Amber, Amber, Bess is telling us about Tony and the hot lap.
He would not stop screaming at me the whole time.
I felt like we were married.
That's how he talks to his wife, isn't it? You know, Tony shouts at Cheryl.
He totally does.
He yells at her, 'Cheryl, we're leaving!' 'Cheryl! Cheryl! Get me a burger!' Imagine them having sex! 'Cheryl, get on top!' I know, but that is how I'd talk to Cheryl if she was my wife, to get off that big lumpy arse of hers.
Do you know she's starting Zumba? Oh, yeah, that'd be right.
She'd fit right in.
I know, how ridiculous is that Zumba? I can't believe a stupid craze like that can just take off.
A stupid craze for stupid lumpy arses.
Mum was being sarcastic.
Cheryl won't actually fit in because people like us do Zumba.
Hang on, which Zumba are you talking about? Are y-you talking about the one with the bouncy poles? And the balloons? Where you try and hit the balloons with the bouncy poles.
That's Zumba, isn't it? Or is that, um, Zamba.
Oh, that's that one, Zamba, isn't it, Danny? No, Zumba is, like, a dance class where you do all the Latin moves.
Oh! Yeah, me and Mum are addicted, aren't we? We go all the time.
Yeah, yeah, we do.
Bess, you should totally come with us! Oh, my God, that would be so much fun.
Bess doesn't like Zumba.
No, she doesn't like Zamba.
Zamba.
-Come, Bess! Come and be a Wheeler girl! Yay! So finally they said, 'We'll let the uncle name the twins.
' I said, 'What do you want to name the little girl?' He said, 'I want to name her Denise.
' And I said, 'Oh, that's a lovely name.
What do you want to name the little boy?' He said, 'I want to name him Denephew.
' Shawn, we're having kebabs, mate.
I'm hungry, Pop.
Why don't you fix your screen? -What? -Denise, Denephew.
Good, isn't it? Your iPhone.
How can you stand it being busted? It costs $100 to fix it.
Can you hit stop if the cheese starts exploding? Look at those two there.
They're really hitting it off.
-Yeah.
Kayne, why'd you put marker all over my good golf balls? We had to see the engine, Dad.
Dad, we have to get the O-man into Team Wheeler.
He calls me the O-man.
Can I get it on a T-shirt? He is unbelievable with the engine.
He knows exactly what to do.
I took heaps of it apart all by myself, Dad.
He did.
OK.
Ouch! I think I hurt my eye, Mum.
Can you get the drops? That happened to me one time with walnuts.
Are you serious? How did you do that? Thank you.
Do you want some money for it? I don't charge for family.
Hi, Amber.
I am I'm really sorry about the Zumba thing.
I was just trying to fit in.
I reckon you should stop trying to fit in 'cause you don't.
Well, how do you know? Maybe I'm more of a Wheeler than you think.
I mean, you should have seen me on that hot lap.
I really, really loved that hot lap.
So what? Who wouldn't love a hot lap? That doesn't make you one of us.
Really? No, it's opposite day.
I didn't mean it.
Yes, really.
I've read all that stuff about nature versus nurture and guess what? It's bullshit.
Well.
We shall see about that.
We totally rocked that class.
Bess, you were incredible.
Yeah, come on.
To the Wheeler girls.
The Wheeler girls! Amber.
Thing about us Wheeler girls .
.
we know how to hold our liquor.
Right.
I'll get the next round.
No, really.
Can you imagine if I had never met you? I would probably have gone through my whole life without ever going in a V8.
That's so sad.
I know! Whose phone keeps ringing and ringing? Is that Ooh, it's mine! It's the cheese and kisses.
Hey, baby.
OK, where are you? I'm with the Wheeler girls! Where are you? I'm in the kitchen making dinner, the early dinner that we agreed on because we're going to parent-teacher interviews.
Oopsy daisy.
Are you drunk? Are you OK, just tell me that you're not drunk and that you can get in a car and come and meet me straightaway.
Oopsy daisy.
Oh, come on.
OK, OK.
OK.
I get it, OK? They're your family.
I get that.
But what about this family, alright? What about me? I can't believe I'm going to have to face Oscar's shitty teachers alone.
Again.
It was your turn! -No, you won't.
I'll be there.
I promise.
-Oh, really? How? I'm not inebriated.
I'm just overheated from the Zamba.
The Zumba.
I told you mixing in their circles was a mistake, didn't I? You know you can't handle getting 'overheated'.
I will tell you what was a mistake.
Buying a two-litre engine.
No wonder my car broke down.
Funny, it started when I tried it.
I can see now that it's underpowered, given the weight of the car.
We should have gone with a V6 petrol.
Thanks for picking me up, Mum.
Darling.
Are we here? OK.
Where are you meeting Danny? He has brought you a change of clothes, hasn't he? I'll call you tomorrow.
Love you.
You can't go in there wearing a tracksuit, for heaven's sake.
You look like someone from Underbelly.
At least take those earrings out.
They're exactly the same type that Roberta Williams wore.
Oscar Bright.
That's ironic, isn't it? Bright.
Close.
Irish, isn't it, Dad? Right.
Attendance.
Let's see.
Well, I've marked Oscar as being absent for much of this semester.
But I've been in every class.
Still.
Oopsy daisy.
Ah, Zumba.
Hello.
So sorry that I'm late.
I was in surgery.
Hello.
Have I missed much? Uh, everything.
But you're here just in time for maths.
Ah! Have you told, um, uh Mr Lloyd.
Mr Lloyd, Oscar has a tutor.
His name's Conway.
But is Conway tutoring him in maths? OK, look, we know Oscar's grades aren't perfect but we really don't need the Look, Oscar's grades actually are the least of your troubles.
Now there's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
What's that supposed to mean? The school-issued laptops have an inbuilt security system which alert us when students access unsavoury material.
Well, that could be anything in this place.
What's he done, looked up the Greens home page? Twice in the past fortnight, Oscar's laptop has been used to log into hardcore pornographic sites.
What, like, dirty stuff? Dad, I promise, I never I wouldn't! Well, Oscar was clever enough to hide his visits.
Not clever enough to know about our software.
Sorry, did you say Oscar was clever? Firstly, thank you, but we all know Oscar is not clever.
Oh! He would never be able to hide his searches.
Conway.
Conway! Sweetheart, did Conway show you anything that he was looking at? He told me to listen to my iPod while he did my homework on my laptop.
He did your homework without you? Why weren't his grades better? I'm really sorry, Mum.
Oh, sweetheart, you don't have anything to be sorry about.
Mate.
He's the one that has to be sorry.
Do you know what your problem is? Should we be identifying problems? You are so worried about marks and grades and marks that you don't see the whole person.
Look at Conway.
Yes, he has a university maths medal but he's a dirty porn addict.
So there! Education is more than just aca acada academica Academia.
You sit here in your ivory tower, which is not an ivory tower, it's a classroom with very well appointed features because the school fees are so bloody outlandish.
OK! On that note Do you know half of my family did not even finish school and they are happy and they are smart.
Oh, well, Amber's not.
Amber's not happy.
But she is smart.
And my point is, my point is, school is not everything.
Yeah.
That's why I'm leaving in Year 10.
-Yeah.
What? -I'm gonna be a mechanic.
Mmm, no.
Mechanic? -Kayne says I'm a natural.
OK, we can talk about this at home.
You'll be staying until Year 12.
Or now, if you want.
-I can go to TAFE to do an apprenticeship when I'm 16.
You will not be going to TAFE, Oscar.
But that's what I want to do.
I love cars.
-Alright, alright, well, if you love cars, then you can think about Engineering at Melbourne.
Mum, you said it didn't matter if people didn't finish school.
Yes, but I wasn't talking about us.
I was talking about them.
No, don't wake me.
I might remember last night.
I'm trying to remember my favourite moment.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
Falling over a chair on the way in.
Falling over the Principal on the way out.
I just wanted to be a Wheeler girl.
While sending your son to Melbourne University? Is that what I really think? Mmm.
I'm so confused.
Who am I, Danny? Well, last night you looked like a Wheeler but you sounded pure Margaret.
I think it's going to take more than a hot lap and a tracksuit to change that upbringing.
Oh, my God.
Oh, it's OK.
Who cares, who cares? Baby, you were being you, my gorgeous wife.
And when you stood up to that teacher, you were being the best person in the world.
You were defending your son.
That was just before I crushed his dreams, right? -Just moments before.
How much did that cost? Must be nice to fork out $100 cab fares whenever you get untidy.
La-di-fucken-da.
-Oh, my God, Amber, I get it! I'm not like you.
I'm a doctor.
I drive a European car.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for trying to find a way to get close to my mother and father and brother and sisters.
I don't know what you expect me to do.
It's not my fault that they gave that I'm different.
That I didn't get to grow up like you.
Ever put this thing in sport mode? What? There's a sports gear on this model.
I looked it up.
See the S on the shaft? Whack it in that, you'll get tons more torque.
You'd like it.
So, yeah.
The end