Upper Middle Bogan (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Don't Over Think It

When did we become a hugging family? Mum, are you alright? I've got a headache.
I accidentally heard some commercial radio this morning.
Excuse me.
Could you bring me a piece of that? Thank you.
You should check your blood sugar level before you pog into that.
Come on.
It's dark chocolate.
Isn't that good for us now? How rough you've become, Bess.
No way.
Take that back.
And you are coming with me.
What are we doing? Quickly.
She's with the cake Stasi.
She'll be back to question that later.
I feel fine.
Where are we going? Between 5 and 8 is fine.
18 is start finalising your will.
Don't be so dramatic.
I had lunch with Davina.
She made rigatoni con la pajata.
It would have been an insult to refuse it.
Fine, but don't follow it with cake and you walk it off.
Walk it off.
What a vile concept.
You know how much I hate mindless walking.
What about mindless dying? Surely, that's worse.
Does seething with rage count as exercise? She's been making jokes.
-Margaret? -Yes.
Finally something she should be taking way too seriously and she's cracking wise.
-Melinda Gates, humanitarian, philanthropist What is it with you and Melinda Gates? You cyberstalking her? She's my inspiration.
My humanities assignment? Thought I was your inspiration.
Oscar, tell him who you're doing.
Uncle Kayne.
I'm doing a movie about him.
-I don't think he's really movie material.
You want someone like the guy who invented the Internet, not the guy who stores his own farts in a jar.
Not just his.
This is for humanities, yeah? Danny, this is the first time I've seen him interested in homework since ever.
Yeah, sure.
Do it.
The jars are numbered.
How's this? Yeah, good.
We've got a lot to get through so lets start with impressions.
There are two types of people in this world, my friend.
Those with loaded guns and those who dig.
You dig.
Who was it? He's on fire.
My grandson's clearly got an eye for talent.
What's the prize? It's an assignment for humanities.
This is 'X Factor' standard.
Steady on.
He's not that good.
What's happened? I just got my online accreditation.
For personal training.
I'm fully qualified.
Where's the certificate? -I haven't printed it out yet.
I think.
I have to Facebook these.
She's a personal trainer.
-This week she is.
She's done a bar course, modelling, cake decorating Something with puppets.
Pole dancing.
Look, he's pole dancing.
She has done a lot of courses.
She's started a lot of courses.
But she's qualified.
Yeah, and I've just got an email saying I'm the archduke of Nigeria.
Probably spam, love.
Hi, Mum.
-What do you wear for this walking? You don't need anything special.
-Of course I do.
I can't start wandering the streets wearing a skirt and jumper, the neighbours'll think I've gone all Iris Murdoch.
For God's sake.
-You need to come down here now.
It's mystifying.
I can't come now.
I'm with the Wheelers.
-Really? Then I assume you're happy for me to drown in a sea of tracksuit pants.
I will call you back.
I need you here.
Can I see the certificate? How would you like to help a woman in desperate need of a fitness regime? Yes.
You won't regret this.
Oh, no.
It's not me.
Why do -Who is it? -Mum.
My Mum.
My other mum.
-But she hates me.
I've never heard her say that.
Not unless I include you in her hatred of the general public.
That's pretty much everyone, isn't it? -Yes.
That is everyone.
But don't worry.
She is going to love this idea.
Absolutely not.
Well, it's all organised.
-What? Who appointed you my manager? You did when you put your own life in danger.
I don't need a personal trainer.
I'm not Posh Spice.
What you don't need is butter cream and chocolate mousse.
They're from King Island.
Cholesterol island, I call it.
You can have these things occasionally if you agree to exercise.
With her.
-Excuse me.
She's fully accredited.
She's got a certificate.
This isn't about me it's about her business.
-It's about both of you.
Can't you see? We're part of the same family now.
You're about to burst into song, aren't you? Right here in the poultry lane.
-You and Brianna, it'll be great.
Otherwise you and your blood sugar levels are on your own, together.
I did purchase a tracksuit.
It doesn't matter.
You can wear anything.
-I'm well aware of that.
Groovy baby How's the assignment going? It's really good.
Kayne is so funny.
I'll tell you what's funny.
All this has got me thinking, Who would be my inspiration? Then I thought, the answer is obvious.
John Farnham? -Better.
F to the H.
Fred Hallows? -Hollows.
Oh, yeah.
All that eye business, problem that they had, bang, sorted by the hollow man.
He changed lives.
He didn't do just a really good Austin Powers.
Want to see his Borat? -No, I don't.
Because I'm going to be writing an essay about the man who put the eye in inspiring.
Do you understand what I'm saying? -Some of it.
You want me to ask Mr Petrucas if you can do my assignment? I don't think he'll let you.
Oh, yeah.
Cool guy.
-He's middle name was Cossom.
That's inspiring.
-How? -Overcoming that.
Wouldn't have been easy.
Oh, God.
Is that Stella McCartney? -Who? -Looks good.
I wasn't sure.
I got it online.
Some of the pictures on eBay, I'm like, Right.
This is from Harrods.
You look great.
What you wear is so important to this.
This is what I've been telling Bess.
She'd be happy for me to do this dressed as a pantomime horse.
Film's coming along? -It's good to see he's capturing some of Kayne's skills rather than that farting about.
I wonder what's happening.
Maybe I should give them a call, just see how they're going.
-Can you help me fix these pants? Well, hello.
-Did she find the house? Oh, yes.
We're en route to the park right now.
The park.
They're off to the park.
Brianna thought it would be faster if she drove.
She was right.
What was that? The sound barrier.
Afterwards, should we meet at the cinema? Sorry, I can't make it.
You must.
Judi Dench and Maggie Smith inherit a tumbled-down Tuscan villa.
Oscar and I are going with Kayne to install some air conditioners.
Can we reschedule? I bought tickets online.
I'm stuck out here.
I get the picture.
Oh, don't Want to get started? -Let's do it.
One, two, push, push.
Lift the arms for summer.
One, two, three, four.
Oh, four.
That's it.
But relax your shoulders.
Are you feeling it? -I'm embarrassed.
-You don't need to lose any weight.
This program is all about strength and fitness.
Seriously, you're lucky with your trim figure.
-Well, thank you.
I have to tell you, Stella McCartney's really working for you.
How would you like to go to the movies? We've still got a bit to do here.
Gold class.
Yes, I love it's not cinema Europa, is it? Actual gold class.
Then maybe afterwards you could let Bess know how much fun we had.
That is assuming you enjoy the film.
-Who cares about the film? First it was Thai fish cakes and mini spring rolls.
Wedges? Surely wedges.
So many wedges.
Then as the movie started -Gourmet pizzas? Double wagyu burgers.
-Dipping sauce? Just keeps coming.
I heard they're going to do a platinum class.
-Imagine that.
-Triple wagyu.
Hang on.
You're getting free gold class.
You're apparently an inspiration.
What's this family's problem with me? Look, Brianna's just trying to keep the old bird out of an early grave.
That's what you stay focussed on.
Wagyu or no wagyu.
It's going great.
She'll tell all her friends.
I'm growing the business.
She must be happy.
We had the Belgian chocolate mousse.
Belgian chocolate.
That's a thumbs up.
You thought they wouldn't connect but look.
Mum sent me a photograph of them in gold class.
Her plan mustn't be working.
-What? -She's trying to make you jealous.
Didn't she have to be dragged to the park? Now suddenly this.
It's because you were with Julie.
I wasn't with Julie.
I was helping Oscar.
Doesn't matter.
Who took that photo? -The usher? The usher.
She asked the usher mid-movie to take a photo.
She must want you to feel left out.
She is.
She's an evil genius.
Isn't she? Do you feel left out? -No, doctor.
I don't.
Do feel like a wagyu burger, though.
So, I assume you were with Oscar because you were talking him out of the movie thing.
It's going great.
Did you know, Kayne has webbed feet? See, this -No, no.
We're not having this conversation again.
This -No.
-If I don't talk about it, will you have sex with me? Those are my options? -I'm already a double wagyu.
That's it.
Sort of.
But relax your shoulders.
Try this.
Visualise someone you really don't like.
I like to use Khloe from The Kardashians.
I couldn't.
-You're like Mum.
Can't get her to go in hard.
You're so similar in a lot of ways.
Yeah, just take a breather.
Here's something I don't get, why did you have to adopt Bess? Have you got blocked tubes? One of Amber's friends has blocked tubes and they've had to sell the car to pay for IVF.
Which makes Amber laugh 'cause she can have kids like that.
I feel sorry for them.
Having to walk everywhere.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
Ar, do you want to do some goblet squats? Let's do some goblet squats.
Um, that's great.
Relax your shoulders.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't talk.
No, it's fine.
Shall we stop? I'm fine.
These are good goblet squats.
Let's take a look.
It's not finished yet.
I know.
Just to get an idea.
Stop farting, Kayne.
It's the couch.
Stop farting.
I'm pretty sure this doesn't meet the criteria of the assignment.
I haven't added the text yet.
It's meant to be someone who inspires.
I don't remember footage of Mahatma Ghandi miming a fart.
You're being unfair.
Is this how you want to be when you're 25? Yes.
Dropping your pants and talking to a spanner.
I hope so.
That was the chair.
I wasn't being inspiring.
Where is she? In the ladies.
Thought she wasn't going to come after After what? Didn't she tell you? You didn't make fun of her tracksuit, did you? She started crying.
Crying? Full-on crying.
She hasn't cried since John Howard was defeated.
Or before that, actually.
I thought I might have pushed her too hard, that she called me here to bone me.
I think you're here to make me jealous.
Are you OK? Never felt better.
Thanks to your regime.
Oh, cool.
Is that a new top? Ah, yeah.
It's awesome.
Mum, are you OK? Brianna said you were upset.
That's all.
Really? You had a total breakdown.
I didn't.
It's very common.
I googled it.
Actually, yeah.
I learnt that on the course.
Something in the 'Good Weekend'.
Happens all the time.
'Catalyst' did a special.
Very common.
Radio National had someone on.
Hear what I said? Oscar, when he grows up, wants to be just like Kayne.
Yeah? Farting his way to glory.
I think Kayne's got a few more strings to his bow than that.
What? Where are you today? Have you ever seen Margaret cry? This is a real question? Yeah.
Cry? Let's see.
Wince, yeah.
Sulk, yeah.
Vomit with horror? I recall that when I suggested we stop at a service station rest room.
Cry? No, wouldn't happen.
Well, it did.
In front of Brianna.
Weeping, apparently.
You should have seen them today.
Finishing each other's sentences.
Look at you.
It's happened.
She's a genius.
Are you saying I'm jealous? Yep.
Even though I knew that was her plan all along.
She's that good? Yep.
Why would I be jealous? I've been trying to find her a friend for 30 years.
You've had her to yourself.
You're own problem.
Yeah? Yeah.
You're wrong.
It's Stockholm syndrome.
It's not.
It's exactly what it's like.
What's Stockholm syndrome? When people get depressed Don't say depressed from living in Stockholm.
They fall in love with that depression.
It's got nothing to do with Stockholm.
Stockholm syndrome.
I don't have it.
I'm not in love with Stockholm.
I said I wanted to layer it at the back to keep the fullness.
I can't bear it when it's flat.
I hear you.
Totally bounces, though.
By the time you'd finished not only was it ready to snap, it was grey.
He left the toner in too long.
Like, hello.
I worry the hot rollers will dry it out.
Elaine does the wet section.
No way.
You can borrow mine for a trial if you like.
They will change your life.
Tell Elaine to use the fat brush and always go under, not on the top.
I'll pass that along.
It's obviously working for you.
I put a lot of effort Margaret? Pat.
You look very vital.
Thank you.
Here's the genius responsible.
Brianna, this is Pat from Q Club.
Is this your daughter? No, this is my personal trainer.
She does look like your daughter.
That's because I Available.
Why don't you give Pat your card? Oh, yeah.
The reason I'm here with Margaret is because .
you're the best.
Pat, why don't we pop an ad in the newsletter? Yes.
That's your daughter.
They do look Oh, look.
Is that Michael Kroger? Really? Over there.
I have heard he comes here.
Pardon me for a moment.
What? Why didn't you say we were related? We're not related.
You I'm not ashamed of you.
I was going to say embarrassed but wow.
Bess was right.
What did she say now? You've been using me.
I'll wait in the car.
Relax those shoulders.
Don't worry.
I'm not here to see how 'Jackass 4' is coming along.
Come here.
Why? Up.
Aren't I a bit too big for that? Never too big for that.
Just go the chair.
That's better.
What was the last book we read together? That alphabet one? Well, how boring, whereas this - 'I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, sweat, and toil.
' It's two toils.
Are you drugged? Aren't you getting out? I'm not sure I can.
Why would you think I was using you? You were being nice to make Bess jealous.
That's not true.
Why are people suspicious when I'm nice? It's a little bit true.
But I like you.
I do, really.
I like the way we talk about silly things like clothes and hair.
They're not silly.
You see? That's why I like you.
Ashamed, you said.
I am ashamed.
But not of you.
I've kept this Bess thing secret for so long I don't know how to talk about it.
Other people's secrets fine, I can talk about them for hours until the battery runs out and I have to finish the story in an email but when it's me, I just I change the subject.
It's not good to bottle that up.
No wonder you've got diabetes.
That's another word I can't say.
Di-arbetis, I call it.
The Greek god of no cake.
You've changed the subject again.
I'm good at it.
'I am from now on 'first soldier of the German reek ' Reich.
'one word I've never learned 'that is sunder.
' Surrender.
Got him reading some of your old speeches, have you? Great speech.
By a terrible misguided man.
Maybe that's enough declaring war on the US for one day.
You, back to your homework.
It's good, isn't it? I can't talk about it.
About how we couldn't have children and how I did get pregnant once and how I lost the baby.
I can't talk about that.
I can't tell people how I had to have an operation afterwards and got some sort of infection which meant I could never get pregnant again.
I wouldn't know how to start.
That's awful.
They tell us in school now how chlamydia can wreck everything.
Oh, no, this was a surgical infection.
I can't talk about it.
W About how I looked into adoption and, I mean, I was desperate to have a child.
Can you believe it? Me? When I found Janice, she was three weeks old.
She was perfect.
So I decided she was mine.
That's what I told everyone.
Maybe it was wrong but I just wanted us to be A normal family.
And how did that go? It went like a dream.
Like I say, I can't talk about it.
If you hadn't got the diabetes we would have never come along.
Please, let me enjoy blaming someone else for a moment.
Oh, no.
I thought this might happen.
That's, um Pretty exciting.
I'm at the premiere of my own biopic and I'm not even dead.
Might have chipped your laminex.
That's marble.
Really? You got ripped off, Dan.
You can get marble-looking laminex for a quarter of the price.
They really saw me coming.
We're here to watch Oscar's film.
She's unbelievable.
I've seen some of this film so I get where she's coming from.
I should tell her, I know what you're trying to do.
I know you're trying to make me jealous.
It's not working.
Isn't it? Did she just high five my mother? What is going on with them? This who's your inspiration thing's bullshit, isn't it? Edwina's done one, too, Mum.
Oh, yeah? Who's yours of? Melinda Gates.
Oscar chose Kayne and you chose someone you've never met.
Fuckin' priceless.
Look at you.
Come on, Wayne, go easy.
These things never fill me up.
Sorry, Bess.
Margaret's got quite a kick.
I'm sorry about her.
She can be so selfish.
We don't mind.
-It's exciting, actually.
In a Helen Mirren sort of way.
It's just so rude to Oscar.
I've got to hand it to Margaret on this one.
This is the longest time Brianna's ever stuck at a job.
Obviously got something special going on.
I think it's Special enough to go to that organic springs place.
What's it called? What is it? Mineral Springs and Holistic Spa? That's it.
That's where she takes me.
She's already packed.
It's good, is it? Looks full-on in the brochure but apparently you still get wine, which is nice.
Could you hold that? Thank you very much.
I'm pretty remarkable I think that's probably enough.
Her blood sugar will get too low.
I've tested her twice and she's fine.
You're not a doctor, are you? I'm not even sure you're a personal trainer.
Mum, enough.
I'm getting started.
I don't want you to have a hypo and get sick and prevent any trips.
Maybe leave this to the experts.
OK? Oh.
Oh, my God.
It's 5.
We got 5.
What's this? She's 5.
I didn't even know she'd been drinking.
Good girl.
That's my girl.
-Don't say it.
-Say what? -Whatever it is.
Stop farting, Kayne.
That stinks.
Oh, my God.
Groovy, baby.
You spelt inspiration wrong.
It's brilliant.
Thank you, everyone.
It was a really Did anyone get that on camera?