Upper Middle Bogan (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Jules in the Crown

(Car lock bleeps) # Come on home # Coming home, baby, now # You know I'm waiting here for you # I'm coming home, now, real soon # You've been gone # Coming home, baby, now # You don't know what I'm gonna do # I'm coming home I know I'm overdue # Since you went away # Expect me any day now, real soon # I'm coming home and never more to roam # Baby, tell me you're coming home # Baby, I'm for sure coming home I'm coming home Come on home.
How the bloody hell are we supposed to make this month's payment? Oh, you'll figure it out.
This is broken.
Recording error? Where's the icing sugar? Oh, I'll figure it out, will I? Kayne, it needs heat.
Brianna, top right cupboard.
Wayne, you programmed yesterday's date.
Magic! Got it! We are recording! OK, I figured it out.
We'll sell the dragster to the Briscolis and then we'll all just take up patchwork.
The Briscolis? Why not? They made me an offer.
Mum, we can't sell the Janis to the Briscolis.
She's teasing you, honey.
Amber, get off your brother, it's his birthday.
It's starting.
Shush.
They used to say that if drag-racing was a deodorant, it'd be 100% man in a can.
That was until a young firebrand by the name of Julie Wheeler burst onto the scene.
(Julie squeals) He's a bit of alright, isn't he? And you were hot, Mum.
COMMENTATOR: She smelled like an angel but raced like a demon.
And pretty soon the sport had a new scent and a new champion.
(All laugh) You would not get away with that these days.
Nuh.
But that was three decades ago.
And now this Wheeler looks out of alignment.
Oh! It's been a year since Julie's last win and with no successor in sight, Team Wheeler must be wishing their matriarch could roll back the old odometer.
Fuck off! So no swear jar - she's right.
We're only two wins outside the top three.
Which you would know if you did your research, dickwad.
Team Wheeler does not need career advice from a bloke who wouldn't know how to drive through a bloody Drive-through.
Exactly.
We're not gonna let this ruin Kayne's birthday.
Come on.
Let's start your party early.
Hey, bags red beast! SHAWN: You had it last time.
AMBER: And he still lost.
Let's turn our attention now to some hot young slicks set to take over Julie's mantle.
OSCAR: This place is so cool.
Why haven't we had our birthdays here? Eddie, you want to field that one? Go-karts emit five times more carbon dioxide than cars.
That's 'cause they're five times more awesome.
Where are you? There's some sort of roadblock up ahead.
I'm not going to make it.
Oh, that's such a shame.
I know.
An afternoon at the go-karts would've been thrilling.
Why can't I hear traffic? What is this, Midsomer Murders? Mum! Is she not coming? Alright, I'm at home.
Why? There was an incident at Thomas Dux.
Not another fight over the roquefort.
I slipped on some kale.
Are you alright? I don't need your condescending voice.
I just need to stay off my feet for awhile.
Tell the others I'm sorry.
Here's trouble.
Happy birthday, Uncle Kayne.
What? No! Mum wouldn't let me get those fireworks from China that you wanted She is a stickler.
But Oscar spent ages choosing these instead.
Walkie-talkies?! These are awesome! Thanks, guys! Now you can listen to truck drivers swear at each other.
And we can talk whenever we want.
(Echoing in receiver) Roger that.
Hasn't the phone made it to Toorak yet? Wayne, can you help Amber put this helmet on over her mouth? I need to race.
(Engine starts) (Engine revs) Pal, what the fuck? Yeah, just figuring out Alright.
A bit of race strategy Sit down.
Mate, sit down in your chair.
Alright, yep.
Should be a good race.
Uh sorry, you can't be back here.
You probably don't recognise me.
Wayne Wheeler, Top Fuel champion, Honorary Life Member.
Access all areas.
It doesn't say that.
I might need a Coke.
OK.
Let's get ready to rumble.
Good luck.
(Engines revving) WAYNE: And they're off.
No surprises early as Julie gets off to a flyer.
In second position is young Shawnie who recently made a triumphant return to the Junior Nats even though he swore not to unless Troy and Amber got back together.
You right there, Dad?! Amber's in third spot, narrowly ahead of the birthday boy, who's just passing Brianna.
Hey! You've been 'Kayned'! Oh, look at Oscar go.
Like the look of this young fella.
Shades of Dicky Johnson there.
But here comes Bess! Hard to believe she's making her go-karting debut but she's certainly making up for lost time, as she passes Danny, who's struggling in ideal conditions.
Oh, this kart's a joke! Rounding out the field is Edwina, who looks like she's having a ball.
Coming through, Dad! Ha-ha! Oh! Yep! Oh, nuh! Nuh, brakes! That's fair! How's your carbon footprint?! As Danny loses his cool Really fair! .
.
Julie is red-hot as she leads Kayne, who's lapping up his birthday present.
And working her way through the pack is Bess! No chance, princess! You think? Get fucked! Now they approach the final corner, it looks like they'll crown Jules for the tenth year running.
Whoa! Hold the phone! Go Mum! WAYNE: Bess has stolen the lead in an unbelievable final corner! Julie's trying to make up ground but it's all too late! Whoo! WAYNE: We have a new champion! Ha! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! (Chuckles) You let her win? You never let us beat you at anything! Not even table tennis when I had nits and chickenpox at the same time! Why the special treatment for Dr Lovechild? It's not her fuckin' birthday.
Where do you want these? Uh, just pop it up at the counter.
(Echoing in receiver) That was awesome.
Over.
(Echoing in receiver) Amazing.
Over.
Excuse me.
Coming through.
That was money well spent, wasn't it? That was unbelievable, Mum.
I can't believe you're a doctor and into fast cars.
You're like, um Geoffrey Edelsten? You totally outmanoeuvred her on the last corner.
It was genius! OK, can we take it down a notch? It was a go-kart race.
It wasn't the Olympics.
Mum still got a trophy.
DANNY: Oh, pfft! Who hasn't a got a trophy? Best Skillion Roof 2010! Am I right, Oscar? Dad, the light's green.
(Horn blares) Or have you stalled again? (Horns blaring) Best day ever! Thanks, guys.
Not over yet, mate.
Oh, no, Dad did you organise a stripper? Really? I was talking about the cake.
Oh, no! I forgot to pick up the cake from The Cheesecake Shop.
Oh, tell me you're joking.
I've been hanging for that all day.
What sort was it? Caribbean Dream.
This is a nightmare! That's not like you, Jules.
Oh, well, maybe I'm losing my memory.
I mean, that's what happens when you're over the hill, isn't it? It's cool, Mum.
We'll just get a Viennetta from the 7-Eleven.
Chocolate! Uh, has to be vanilla, hey, Dad? Classic.
Bags the end! Yes! You had it last time.
No, I said it first.
# NICK CAVE AND KYLIE MINOGUE: Where The Wild Roses Grow KYLIE MINOGUE: # They call me the wild rose # What's wrong with you? Nothing.
This is your sad song.
No, it's not.
Then why don't you listen to the rest of the album? 'Cause the one with Kylie's the best.
(Music stops) You've become their favourite.
Whose? The twins'.
I've always been their favourite.
That doesn't make sense.
I can do traditional gags, practical jokes, slapstick.
I'm a good at-home dad but equally adept outdoors.
Didn't seem too adept today when you got thrashed on the track.
That was a dud kart.
We're not allowed to have a favourite - how come they are? 'Cause it's me.
What? No.
NICK CAVE: # From the first day I saw her # From the first day I saw her I knew she was the one Who put this back in the pantry? There's still some left.
Don't get full.
Put that back.
Your brother needs all the energy he can get today.
Yeah.
Why? Second part of your birthday present - you and me going skydiving.
Wicked! No way! Why does he get two presents? Because he got wrapping paper every year till he was seven.
Good times.
How come you're jumping? It was a two-for.
And I organised it.
Pancakes? Buckwheat.
You know, when you break it down, it's probably healthier than fruit.
Mm And they've got devices at the table because? Oh, I said they could read the news online as a bit of a treat.
(Farting noise) Best app ever, Dad.
You're going for cheap points.
Hey, have you done a price check on organic buckwheat lately? (Phone bleeps) (Farting noise) OSCAR: Nanny Margaret! Don't bother knocking.
How's your ankle? Better.
Thank you for asking.
I thought I'd take you all to the new William Blake exhibition.
Oh, no, we can't because we're going to Tooradin.
Where? Why? Kayne and Julie are skydiving! Rug up, kids.
What is it with that woman and adrenaline sports? Hasn't she heard of ageing gracefully? So I take it you're not coming, then? Ah! My ankle's flaring up again.
Ooh! Ah And as much as that sounds like my perfect morning, I am snowed under with work, so Oh.
Well, expect to stay at number two in the charts, then.
This cocky thing isn't quite as sexy as you think it is.
(Chuckles) Isn't it? Maybe a little bit.
Does this kiss come with an intermission? 'Cause I'm going to need the maple syrup.
Fact! Dean and I are the most experienced tandem skydiving instructors in the state.
So you haven't killed anyone? And we don't want our record tarnished today, so you'll listen to everything we tell you and save any skylarking for the drive home! We have a one-strike policy for dickheads.
Good idea.
Fact! We hate blowhards more than dickheads.
It's a ton of work packing these chutes and when jumpers are gung-ho on the ground, then they lose their nerve at 14,000ft, quite frankly, it's a pain in the arse.
Well, there'll be no chickening out here 'cause Julie's a drag-race champ and Kayne was born without the fear gene.
And a host of fuckin' others.
Let's run through the landing.
One, two, three.
Oh! Ooh, Julie, are you alright? All good.
The impact will be greater when you do the real thing.
Nah, I'm right as rain.
Mum, that looks really sore.
Can you get my Voltaren Forte out of the car? This isn't the Tour de France! You do it drug-free or not at all.
OK.
Won't do your stupid skydive.
And what am I supposed to do with the plane? Spray crops? Someone is going up.
You.
Oh, I'd love to, mate, but the air pressure would suck the old glass eye right into my skull.
Girls? I've just had my hair tonged.
I'm not getting strapped to either of these tools.
What about our go-kart champ? (Gasps) No way.
I've read way too many stories about chutes not opening.
(Chuckles) Don't be so offensive.
You heard my briefing.
It's a clean sheet.
And you were OK with Mum and Kayne doing it.
Yeah No, not because I value their life any less than Alright, I'm in.
(Brianna squeals) OSCAR: Wicked! Mum, give her your flying suit! You're gonna kill it, Mum.
Please don't say the K-word, Oscar.
Today, people! JULIE: No, no dramas.
Yeah.
See you then.
EDWINA: Whoa, Dad.
OSCAR: That's awesome! Perfect timing, gang.
Check it out! Cool.
You won't believe what Mum did.
I'll give you a clue.
She could totally join Team Red Bull.
No! Could I? Well, surely it can't compete with the latest in domestic watersport innovation! She jumped out of a plane from 14,000ft.
The instructor said she's the best virgin he's ever had strapped on.
Sorry? Oscar's got most of the words in the wrong order.
But the point is, I went skydiving! It was incredible! Yeah? Sounds great.
Can we try the Hydroplunge 5000 now?! No, we're gonna go watch Mum's skydiving GoPro footage.
What is it with your generation and reliving things that have just happened? DANNY, ON RECORDING: What is it with your generation and reliving things that have just happened? Classic, Dad.
There you are! KAYNE: You missed my jump.
WAYNE: Jules, we were worried sick.
Really? You didn't seem that worried when you left me at the hangar.
Where's the dragster? What's happened? Where's Janis? (Gasps) We've been robbed! Shawn you cover the Bali DVDs, I'll call the cops.
Security has not been breached.
I repeat, security has not been breached.
I sold it.
What? Not to the Briscolis.
You didn't give it to the fuckin' Briscolis? No, I didn't give it.
I sold it.
If they paid you what they offered me, then, trust me, you gave it away.
KAYNE: Mum! Why? I'm quitting racing.
Get it back.
I'm not racing anymore.
Jules, it's not your decision to make.
Is this just because your knee's sore? No.
Well, yeah, yeah, everything's sore.
Well, hello! Drugs! It is over! It's over, alright? No, it's not bloody alright.
What about us? I thought you'd be pleased for once.
You get to make this month's payment.
Managing our family's enormous debt is my thing.
You can't just take that away from me.
Amber, I was helping! Helping? The Wheelers without wheels - how is that helping? How could you be so selfish, Mum? You've been taking selfish pills! Actually, you know what? I can't believe you lot.
After everything I've done for this family and the one time, the one time I ask for some support, and this is how you behave! Where are you going now? To sell the house? Help us some more? Julie! Where are you off to? Oh, I was hoping I could stay with you.
What's happened? I sold the Janis.
You sold the Janis? Really? Well, if you're angry too, I can go find a cheap hotel somewhere.
Oh, no, no, of course.
You can stay as long as you want.
Pardon? She sold it.
Am I the only one that thinks she's gone mental? Her eyes were crazy.
Yeah.
Like haunted.
We need to buy it back.
We need a driver.
I proved today that I'm ready to step up.
By coming third in a go-kart race? Oh, don't sell yourself short, Kayne.
You're ready for Formula One.
Someone get Bernie Ecclestone on the phone.
Amber, you know as well as I do, getting into Formula One is a lot more complicated than that.
Where do you think Mum went? Oh, she's probably just gone to get a neck and shoulders down at the Thai place.
She'll be back soon.
Whoa.
(Message tone on mobile) Does it bother you, mate, me being here? No.
It's cool.
Like when the Norwegian exchange teacher, Miss Johansson, was staying at Caspian's.
But then she had to go home early because she got along too well with Caspian's dad.
I still don't understand how getting along with someone could be a bad thing.
I think there might be a little bit more to it, darling.
'Morning! I really need to get that deadlocked.
What's going on here? I've moved in.
You can't have! She's staying in the spare room.
My room? It's not your room.
It's the spare room.
It's not any mother's room.
It's the spare room.
What's wrong with your bed? Nothing.
It's Wayne and the kids Oh, Julie.
What are you doing? Come here, Julie.
Sorry.
Don't be sorry.
Of course you're upset.
MARGARET: Bess! BESS: What? I can't find the fabric softener! It can wait.
No, it can't! Bess! Oh! What's happened? Has she run out of extreme sports? All I know is she sold the Janis and had a fight with Wayne and the kids.
Does she have to stay here? There are excellent deals on that Last Minute website.
How can you be so insensitive? She's the one who's insensitive, weeping in front of everyone like an Oscar winner! You know what? You're no good to anyone when you're like this.
I'll call you later.
My ankle! It was alright when you came in.
For a hypochondriac, you are perversely stony-hearted! AMBER: Dad, we can help.
No, no, it's fine.
I can manage.
We're out of cereal and the good bread, but there you go.
Awesome spread, Dad.
Yum, Pop.
Can you please pass the honey, Kayne? Certainly, Brianna.
(Gasps) Agh! Sorry! Ooh! No, that was my fault.
See? We're gonna be right.
How about I do the school run this morning? You two kids can take turns DJ'ing while I drive.
Sorry, Dad, but we're running late.
So? We need Mum's superior driving skills to get us there on time.
Oh, you gotta Love you.
Mwah! Bye, kids.
(Door closes) # ABC News theme What do you usually watch now? Nothing.
I work.
All day.
Sometimes with only an hour's break.
JULIE: You don't have Foxtel! Sorry! No! We don't.
# Play School theme There's a bear in there Not much work going on here.
Hey? No, no.
No, no.
I, uh I-I-I have my best ideas when I'm doing something else.
I mean, look at any study on unlocking creativity, and you'll find the research backs me up, I think.
Sorry, what do you want? Thought we could try out the new water slide.
Sorry, I'm far too busy.
(Crowd cheering on computer game) You know, maybe just a quick go? Make sure it's safe for the kids.
Oh, those twins, they don't know what they're missing.
I know.
I mean, how could I be in number two position? Oh, it goes in waves, you know.
Like the way your favourite kid changes.
No.
I don't play favourites.
I do.
I hate all mine equally at the moment.
No, I love Oscar just as much as Edwina.
Mm-hm.
He's a special kid.
Mm.
He's very special.
Mm.
Oh, hey.
Hey, you.
We're an all-underwear house! Uh-uh, no, no, no, we're not.
Put your pants back on.
All of you.
Julie, do you feel like you want to give Wayne a call? Nup.
And that is why you are my favourite - you're always thinking about me.
Get out of my grill! Wait your turn! I was here first.
Dad! Sort it out yourselves.
Alright, oldest to youngest.
Worst system ever! Ow! Let me get a Le Snak! (Brianna gasps) This is my lucky work shirt! No! Oh! You are so dead! Oh, my! (Grunts) Big mistake.
Huge.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! No! Ow! Ow! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! (Conch blows) Margaret? What are you doing here? We have a situation.
We? We all suffer as long as Julie stays with Bess, so whoever upset her, apologise now so she can come home.
You've got a nerve barging in here and blowing our shell.
No-one's upset her.
We've done nothing wrong, Margo.
Yeah, why should we apologise? You're not seriously going to eat those? Three-second rule.
You have rules? Dad, you could totally have your own sashimi show on SBS.
Yeah, Dad, that'd be awesome.
Really? Me? A host? EDWINA AND OSCAR: Yeah.
What about your mum? No.
Remember when she tried to do sashimi? Remind me.
The pieces were so big we had to hold them like hamburgers.
Luckily, she's an anaesthetist, not a surgeon.
Yeah, yeah, I went in to get my mole removed and this woman chopped my whole arm off.
(Laughter) So, reading between the lines, I'm the new favourite.
Pathetic! (Phone bleeps) (Cries) Julie, what is it? Wayne says he lones me.
He means 'loves'.
He's obviously had a couple of Woodstocks.
Do you want to give him a call? He doesn't understand.
AMBER: I hope you're not doing this out of obligation.
That's why I do everything.
Wayne.
I think you should come and eat.
(Drunkenly) I love you, babe.
I love you.
I thought you said we were having chicken parmas.
I can assure you I did not say that.
She said it was like chicken parma.
How? This is wasabi-crumbed quail with edamame and asparagus salad.
Mmm.
Is there any more? Not until you tell me what you did to Julie.
She did it to us.
She sold the car.
Why, Jules? Why? We could've found the money to keep the Janis.
PRESENTER: .
.
this Wheeler looks out of alignment.
It's been a year since Julie's last win and with no successor in sight, Team Wheeler must be wishing their matriarch could roll back the old odometer.
How dare he! Ignore him.
Look how beautiful she is.
Wayne, you can't possibly watch that and not know why Julie sold the dragster.
Because of this plonker? Margaret, if you knew the crap that people say about Team Wheeler This isn't about Team Wheeler, this is about Julie.
And that ghastly plonker spoke about her age on television.
How infra dig! That story was about Julie being too old to race.
Jules.
I have to go to her.
Oh (Groans) Somebody get some crumbed quail into him.
I'll take care of this.
# QI theme What's his name again? Stephen Fry.
Oh, I forgot to tape QI.
Who left that door unlocked? I know why Julie's here.
Not for the telly.
I saw the feature story about you.
What feature story? It was highly defamatory.
They said Julie couldn't race anymore.
Well, they're right.
I'm too old.
Poppycock.
I've never met anyone more annoyingly vital.
While you're trying to jump out of planes, I'm trying not to fall over my own feet at the supermarket.
I thought you slipped on kale.
This isn't about me.
Are you going to let some two-bit sports presenter tell you when your career's over? KAYNE, ON WALKIE-TALKIE: Little Red, do you copy? Little Red? Right here, Big Red.
Dad wants to speak to WAYNE, ON WALKIE-TALKIE: Jules! Jules, are you there? Wayne.
Wayne, are you alright? Oh, I forgot.
Wayne's drunk and the children are eating noodles off the floor.
Can we do that? WAYNE: Babe, I'm so sorry.
I had no idea that the TV story upset you.
It's not true, Jules! You can't give up! Not for us, for you! You are the hottest, fastest driver in the Oh! Oh (Thud!) Kayne.
Kayne, put Dad to bed.
Marg, can I have a look at the back of your car? Kids! Come on! Mum's coming home! Is that? # UPLIFTING MUSIC Margo! Sweet driving! Apparently, my yacht club membership comes with a tow bar.
(Chuckles) You got a bridging loan? Worst fucking product! How are we supposed to? Oh, don't worry about it, I'll sort it out.
Captions by CSI Australia