Veronica Mars s01e10 Episode Script
An Echolls Family Christmas
Previously on Veronica Mars: It's been a year since my best friend, Lilly Kane, was murdered.
Dad told Jake Kane, the most powerful man in town that he was sure he was involved in his own daughter's death.
Duncan Kane.
He used to be my boyfriend.
And let's not forget Logan Echolls.
His dad makes 20 million a picture.
Smile, Logan.
Don't forget, these folks pay for all of this, huh? What the hell do you think you're doing on our beach? Am I supposed to apologize? Am I supposed to shake in my boots, Weevil? - Maybe.
- Look around you, man.
- It ain't 15 on four tonight.
- That's right.
All this time I've been thinking Mom bolted because she couldn't handle losing everything.
Maybe she just couldn't handle losing me.
Clarence Wiedman.
The man who took surveillance photos of me.
The ones with me framed in a gunsight.
You've reached Clarence Wiedman, head of security, Kane Software.
And there it is.
I know who's responsible for scaring Mom away from Neptune: Her former lover, Dad's nemesis, Jake Kane.
- Get his okay, will you make it snow? Sure thing.
Don't get your hopes up.
- Never get anywhere with that one.
- We'll have to try.
The downside to being an only child? You know all the scary handmade ornaments are yours.
This concerns me.
You gotta put another Padres ornament over there.
What? They should be spread out so it's even.
There are some people who think Christmas is about the birth of Christ and not baseball.
Well, we're all entitled to our own religions, Veronica.
- So, what do you want for Christmas? - Your love and respect.
Seriously, if you could have anything for Christmas.
Anything.
I want you to save your money.
Oh, hey.
Hey, hey.
Oh, it's our favorite part.
You start singing, you stop drinking.
You look comfortable with that thing in your mouth.
Sabor Cubano.
You people can hand-roll like nobody's business.
- Five hundred.
- Call.
Sean, isn't that ghetto brew beneath you? It's the new me.
I am projecting a ghetto aesthetic.
Word.
Man, where were you when I was playing the metrosexual in Lonely Season? In school, not getting paid a quarter of a million dollars to make out with Selma Blair, Connor.
Don't cry now.
All in.
Boo-hoo.
Oh, damn.
So let's see here, there are 42 cards remaining and I can win with 40 of them.
I can win with an ace.
I can win with a jack.
Will she be the 10 and give me the straight? Or will I get the high kicker out of my jack? Pins and needles.
- Just flip the card.
- Okay.
But the river is gonna get you.
I can't believe he beat you with a pair of twos.
I'd like my 5 grand now.
Sean, the money box, so I can pay the pool boy.
No, no, no.
You guys aren't pulling any of that with me.
Weev, I'm not pulling anything.
Where's the money? - Guys, where's the money? - Where is it? - Where's the money? - Did it fall out? - How could it fall out? - Maybe it was never in, huh? Dude, I rolled the money up and put it in the box.
You all saw me.
Well, I'm not leaving here without my money.
Now, do I have to turn each of you upside down and shake you? Did you guys call each other? This isn't over.
I'll be collecting a grand from each of you one way or another.
You picked the wrong guy to rip off.
This is the worst game of strip poker ever.
- Check it out.
- You know this is for a baseball camp, right? - It's not, like, a hot-guy catalog.
- Do they have a hot-guy catalog? "Attend a weeklong Padres fantasy camp at their first-class training site.
" It's the perfect Christmas present for my dad.
- In a world where you can afford 3 grand.
- I am so sick of not having money.
I'd be the best rich person.
Seriously.
I'd be the perfect combination of frivolous and sensible.
Money is so wasted on the wealthy.
I want my laptop now.
- How does it feel to want? - I am not screwing around.
I didn't take your money! Someone did.
Well, it wasn't me.
Let him go.
Lay off.
Someone stole your laptop? There was this poker game at Logan's last night.
Weevil won 5 grand, and someone stole the money.
This is his way of collecting.
You lie down with dogs, you're gonna get fleas.
I didn't invite him.
I wasn't talking about Weevil.
Hey, this kind of concerns you.
I don't see how.
I keep a journal on my laptop for the past, I don't know, three years.
There was a time when you were kind of a feature.
A feature with a cleverly disguised pseudonym? Let's just say I was prolific.
There are a million things Duncan could have written that I'd sooner impale myself on a rusty spike than have someone else read.
I must get that computer back.
That's how you play it, bro.
- Check it out.
- Hey.
See? There you go with that head-tilt thing.
You know, you think you're all badass but whenever you need something, it's all, "Hey.
" Just be glad I don't flip my hair.
I'd own you.
So, what can I do for you? You can not get busted stealing 09ers' stuff and let me handle this poker thing.
Seriously, why risk it? Give Duncan back his computer.
Let me handle this.
Could you please, Veronica, protect me from the big, bad sweater-vest-wearing rich boys? I'm just trying to help.
In what alternate universe does it look like I need your help, huh? Of course, if I get my 5 grand, some of those guys'll stop losing their stuff.
Why were you even there? I hear about a $5000 card game played by idiots, I'm interested.
If you're asking me to the prom, the answer is still no.
I heard you got a card game going on.
I'd like in on it.
- Yeah? I'm sure you would, but I can't.
- Thousand-dollar buy-in, right? I got the money, so, what's the problem? My only concern is property values going down if anyone sees you in my house without a leaf blower or a skimmer.
You're concerned? I'm the one who's gotta go up into the hills, all by myself.
What if I run into a pack of white boys? On some clean, well-lit street? I could be bored to death.
Fine.
It's $ 1000 in 10 crisp $ 100 bills.
We don't take food stamps.
Ouch, you got me.
He thought I was some dumb Mexican he could take for his cash.
Who do you think did it? Did Logan do it? Well, I know for a fact that nobody left the house with the money.
He could have hidden it anywhere, and he had an opportunity.
- Sean won again? - You miss a lot when you go to the bathroom every five seconds.
- Tip money for the guy who washes my Jag.
Dude, you don't even have a license.
Dude, why does he need a license when he has a chauffeur? Can it be considered an embarrassment of riches if I'm not embarrassed? Thoughts? Hot chick.
Poolside.
Bikini.
Dude, is that your mom? Here's to you, Mrs.
Echolls.
And all of you are gonna rot in hell.
I'll go to church if this is a skinny dip.
Please jump off the diving board.
Oh, God, I love your mother.
- Duncan was at the window? - Everybody but Logan was.
- You're sure.
- I wasn't taking notes, but yeah.
The money was in that house.
I would have torn it apart if I didn't think he'd call the cops.
I don't have an appointment.
I hope you're available.
I am.
Wait, I'll clear that for you.
- How are you, Lynn? - Honestly, I'm a little freaked out.
My husband gets a lot of disturbing letters from fans.
He's a very handsome man, and people get obsessed.
Everybody has their cross to bear, huh? Well, this one's different.
I found this on our breakfast table, in our house.
"Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn't keep her.
" Can you find her and keep her away? She's crazy.
Not necessarily a she.
- Do you keep all the threatening letters? - I try to.
Aaron throws them out.
I thought we'd need them.
I'd like to see them, if I may.
Just to determine whether this is the first letter.
Can I come by this afternoon? Perfect.
I know this goes without saying, but discretion's paramount.
- Of course.
- It's been a long time, Keith.
Well, yeah, our kids don't seem to hang out together much anymore.
Logan's had a tough time with Lilly's death.
Understandably.
Well, so has Veronica.
Good news.
I might be able to get your laptop back.
So, what is this? Like, a case? Yeah.
Like, the case of the guy who's too lazy to handwrite his journal like every normal person.
So any details you can give me? You're serious.
Were you a little surprised that Weevil was even there? As a matter of fact, I was.
Just wanna let you know I am, in fact, feeling lucky.
- What's up, buddy? What's up? Hello.
You're not Chester.
Hey, don't worry, okay? There's no way in hell I'm letting Weevil walk out of here with our money.
Do you think Logan invited Weevil there to steal his money? Invited him there to steal his money? No.
But? Nothing.
That's what he decides to steal? What's he going to do with a Fabergé egg? Two words, man: Huevos rancheros.
This is what I get for trying to be nice.
Messed up.
You got something to say to me, you say it, huh? Did you take the money? You were so drunk you wouldn't know if Kris Kringle took the money.
When did you get like this? You've been going over to the dark side so slowly that I didn't notice when you morphed into a full-fledged jackass.
- What, I'm a jackass? - Yeah.
And I'm over it.
What, are we breaking up now? Want your best-friend charm back? I try to make each Christmas as special as I can.
Carlita, bald patch.
I went through the letters, and I'm fairly certain that the stalker who left the letter inside had sent six previous letters.
Is it bad? I'm very concerned that this stalker has escalated to home delivery.
I have 200 guests coming here tomorrow night, and now I have to deal with this? I recommend you cancel the party.
I've hired plenty of security.
Well, what about these people? You have 10 people wandering around your house right now.
Do you even know them? Of course.
They're the help.
Here you go.
Keith.
Well, Lynn didn't get you over here about that letter, did she? - I get letters like that all the time.
- I still think it's wise to use extra caution.
Well, I'll keep that in mind.
Look, I'm sorry we bothered you about this.
It's nothing, trust me.
I mean, that sort of thing is perfectly normal.
Normal? I was wondering if you did pumpkin carving.
Yes, I'm aware that it's Christmas.
You know, I already have a gingerbread house, but thank you.
Making a list and checking it twice.
Is there a side job I should know about? Do we not live in California? Isn't there produce available Well, at least now I know what I'm getting you.
Hey, do you have a minute to run by the Echolls' house for me? I need Lynn to sign a few papers.
Sure.
Come on.
Come on.
I love the smell of testosterone in the morning.
This is why I suggested attack dogs.
But no, my mother wanted an alpaca.
My father sent me with paperwork for your mom.
And you just wanted to say hi? Good thing I didn't have my slam book out.
I wanted to ask you about the game.
I've been meaning to ask you something.
Did your super-sleuth kit come with a decoder ring? Do you have a pen that writes with invisible ink? Never mind.
Don't care.
Mush, mush.
Hey, wait.
Hey.
Hey, maybe you should talk to Connor.
Larkin? Like, Connor Larkin? Look, he's a mortal, believe me.
They just draw his abs on.
Is he doing another movie with your father? You know, I don't know if it's so much a movie as a $50 million crap pile.
Why would Connor steal the money? He's a zillionaire.
Well, everybody's got their issues, right? Plus, the guy's got something against me.
So, what's Catherine Zeta-Jones like? She likes to read to starving children and bake homemade scones.
This according to The Insider.
- I met her in passing.
- It's not like your people.
They don't all know each other.
- Dude, what's up with that? - What? - That's the tenth racist thing you've said.
- Oh, my God.
Does the soapbox come with the SAG card? Oh, is it because Rosie Perez thought you were a girl? What? Wait, wait.
This I gotta hear.
No, no.
When Logan was like 10, he was madly in love with Rosie Perez.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Aaron arranged for her to come to his birthday party.
It was, like, this big moment.
She walks in with this gift and she's like, "Happy birthday, Lauren.
" That's funny.
Really hysterical.
Oh, dude, she got you a purse.
Connor, you really are like the son Aaron Echolls never had.
So, wait, wait.
Do you still have the purse? So unless his Pavlovian response to a downloaded ring tone is to urinate then he was up to something.
Or his bladder's as small as his brain.
I would be more than happy to question him.
I have a feeling he's not the easiest person to get to.
Probably has a team of bodyguards to protect him from girls like me.
I honestly don't get it.
Hey, man.
It's Logan Echolls.
Yeah, hey, listen, can you get my friend a drive-on today to see Connor? Yeah.
Veronica Mars.
No, Veronica.
V as in "virgin.
" Yeah.
- There you go.
- Look at you, all helpful.
Hey, your pestiness being unleashed on Connor brings me joy.
Annoy, tiny blond one.
Annoy like the wind.
Action! All right, not bad.
That's a cut.
Let's set it up to go again, please.
I don't know if Connor's smile cost a million but his six-pack abs are worth at least double that.
Damn.
I repeat, damn.
- Too shiny? - No.
My helicopter gets shot down mid-flight, so I'm supposed to be sweaty but I don't want it to be gross.
I think you're good.
So let me guess, you wanna be an actress.
No.
No, I'm just your standard-issue fan.
Logan told me you were at the poker game, and - Oh, yeah.
That was fun.
- Heard it got a little weird.
Someone stole all the money? Yeah.
And I feel sorry for the kid who won too.
He was pretty cool.
He was real, you know what I'm saying? Any idea who took it? Could have been anyone.
As I understand it no one left the room, and it wasn't possible for anyone to walk out with cash on them.
You know what? There was one guy who left the room with cash.
How can you play cards when you can't even get your wallet out? And how does he keep winning hands? At least I take out my wallet, unlike some cheap-ass people.
If I didn't know, I'd think you were speaking ill of me.
Dude, you get dropped off in a Town Car, and you can't even chip in for beer.
I happen to enjoy my ghetto-brew affectation.
Quenching.
- You enjoy being a tightwad.
- Thanks for coming out.
- Thank you.
- Wait.
How much did you tip? Dude, I don't know.
A couple bucks.
Dude, the bill was 50.
That's like 4 percent.
- Look who's got beer brains.
- Here, man.
It's a kinder, gentler Weevil.
- Thank you.
- It's Christmas, even for delivery guys.
Anyone could have gotten his hands in the money box.
There were plenty of times.
Bathroom breaks, beer breaks Lynn Echolls breaks? Oh, yeah, you heard about that one, huh? It's my agent.
Can you excuse me? Wallace, are you still in the attendance office? It's a small favor.
Teeny.
Sean Friedrich's home address.
I wanna send him a Christmas card.
Hey.
I was hoping we could have a quick conversation in private.
Brian's cool.
We can talk freely in front of him.
Aaron, were you with anyone last Halloween that might be harboring some resentment or ill will? - No.
- I was thinking that, you know the Aaron-o'- lantern had some significance.
A spurned lover, perhaps.
I'm faithful to my wife.
In fact, I was with Lynn last Halloween at the Casablancas' annual costume party.
I'm just making sure.
You understand.
Well, I appreciate that.
I don't wanna stir up any muck.
Well, there's no muck to stir.
- Mr.
Friedrich? - Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
Is Sean home? - He's not available.
- It'd be a minute - Sean is not permitted to receive visitors.
Mr.
Friedrich.
I spoke with Sadie Casablancas, and she said you catered her Halloween party last year.
- I cater it every year.
Anything special about this party? I really can't talk about the events we do.
It's in the contract.
Is that so? You should know, I was told you had the bad taste to fire someone that night.
She did not say "bad taste.
" Like I had a choice.
Servers were restricted to the first floor, as always but one server snuck off upstairs to find an available bathroom.
Aaron Echolls insisted that the girl be fired.
He wanted her fired because she was on the second floor of somebody else's house.
That and someone else's wife was on top of him.
Wait, you're saying Aaron Echolls was with another woman the night of the Halloween party? While his wife was downstairs eating canapés.
- Good morning.
- Maybe in your world.
In mine, I am minus one Rolex.
The criminal element found its way into my gym bag yesterday.
- Why can't we all have nice things? - Who behaves this way? Maybe you missed that "eye for an eye" section in your Bible.
- Okay, this isn't retribution.
It's thievery.
- Weevil didn't start this.
- It's not his fault someone stole the money.
- Is that so? - This is ridiculous.
- Yeah.
I usually get six figures for this.
- What about you? - I'm the one who got his money stolen.
I'm thinking crabs.
- I told your mother to clean up, but - Guys, play nice.
I'm playing nice.
Believe me.
Why would Weevil steal his own money? You should really consider another profession.
Perhaps he stole the money before he knew he would win.
Right before Mrs.
Echolls got wet and wild, he was down to his last two chips.
- I heard you weren't doing so hot either.
- Yeah.
But the difference is, I don't need the money.
So I interviewed the caterer for the Casablancas' Halloween party.
Would you mind getting that for me? Thanks.
Apparently, you were caught in flagrante.
Yeah.
My memory isn't what it used to be either.
- Listen, it didn't mean anything.
- What's it gonna mean? - I love my wife.
- Aaron my job is to track down a potentially dangerous stalker.
Your affair is Well, that's your affair.
So you're You're not gonna tell Lynn.
If Lynn had hired me to find out if you were cheating on her, I would tell her.
She hired me to protect you, and that's what I'm gonna do.
But I need your help.
This is the guest list from the Casablancas' Halloween party.
Circle the name of who you slept with.
No, maybe I should clarify.
Who you slept with at the Halloween party.
God.
That was the night that I had the hard cider.
That would be Monica Hadwen? Yeah.
But she's not a stalker.
- She's my agent's wife.
- I'm sure she's lovely.
Mrs.
Casablancas gave me photos from the party.
If you could point out Monica and Sharon and Deborah.
There they are.
These three women are invited to your Christmas party.
Maybe that's not the best idea.
Well, they're not stalkers.
They're just needy.
Tighter.
I didn't lose 5 pounds for my health.
So, Mrs.
Hadwen My maiden name.
I didn't want to be Monica Greenblatt.
If there's anything else you could tell me, it would be helpful to the Echolls.
What's to tell? Aaron's a sexy, charming movie star with an ass like an 18-year-old wrestler.
He's psycho bait.
You know, can we go a couple inches higher? It's not a wake.
You should talk to Deborah Daly.
She's always hovering around Aaron, sticking her fake boobs at him.
Okay, look, my life depends on looking as hot as possible in this.
You're gonna need to rally.
Always with an audience.
He's the Echolls' private investigator.
Aaron has a stalker.
I'm providing him with the lowdown on the ladies that aim higher than tennis pro.
You'd think one part of my day wouldn't involve Aaron.
Before Aaron, his biggest client was a day player on Boy Meets World.
And before me you sat in your underwear in a fish tank at the Standard.
Breathe, Veronica.
So what? Duncan's secret diary is unaccounted for.
That doesn't mean the intimate details of our strange, steamy relationship will become public domain at Neptune High.
Things don't always turn out for the worst.
After all, it's Christmas.
Despite what everyone else might think, Santa knows I've been a good girl.
- You'll hurt yourself thinking that hard.
- They say if you're caught in a stare it means your mind needs a break.
Like that mind ever takes a break.
So how's the poker case coming? Oh, it's a Christmas miracle.
I think I finally found a way to send my dad to camp.
Can you guys kiss and make up already? So good news, bad news.
The good news is, I know who stole the money.
The bad news is, I know who stole the money.
Here's my brilliant idea: Filled with holiday spirit, Logan will host another game.
- Will I? - I'm thinking tonight.
No, my mother's Christmas party is tonight.
So no BYOB.
Here's how it'll go down: I'll tell you who did it, and you'll buy me into the game.
I'll take the place of whoever stole the money.
Unless you think you might still want him around.
You know, even if you keep talking, it's not gonna happen.
Oh, I thought you guys might all want your stuff back.
Yeah.
If I get my 5 grand, some items could magically reappear.
And if you think about it anyone who doesn't see this as a great offer is obviously the thief.
- Kind of a no-brainer.
- Do you even know how to play poker? No.
But it must be really hard, if all you guys play.
Ho, ho, ho.
Allow me.
You want a soda pop or something? You know, I think I want something with a little more kick.
Hey, no Damn, girl! - Iced tea? - Yeah.
How very musical theater of you.
Duncan can't remember the alphabet when he drinks, let alone figure out 20 percent of the pizza bill.
No, he didn't play drunk to steal your money.
He played drunk to win your money.
To no avail, it seems.
Oh, and Connor isn't a drug addict.
I know.
The constant bathroom visits? He wasn't going for a fix.
He was going because of the sun tea.
It's that diuretic wrestlers down when they need to make weight.
Or that actors use before they're half-naked on the cover of Vanity Fair.
Then there's bachelor number three, and he's got it all.
Motive, access looks like an evildoer smells like an evildoer.
But surprisingly, not so much.
Weevil cleared him.
He searched the room, but didn't go through it as much as he wanted.
When I saw it, it looked like it had been raided by the FBI.
If Logan took the money and hid it he wouldn't have had to tear the room apart looking for it.
So two left.
The boy from the wrong side of the tracks and the boy who lives in the most expensive house in the 09er zip.
So do you wanna hear how Sean did it? Oh, he's a crafty little bugger.
Sean didn't bring the bigmouthed Joe's because he's cheap.
He knew he couldn't leave with the money, so he didn't.
What happens to garbage in the 09er zip? He waited for the recycling to go out the next day and did a little garbage picking.
Sean? Why? The guy has a chauffeur drive him to school every day.
- Why would he need to steal? - Funny story: When I went to Sean's, I couldn't help but wonder what was his dad doing home, dressed in a suit, instead of being at work? Mr.
Friedrich.
Unless he was at work.
I have to say, I was a bit miffed.
I was this close to being able to say, "The butler did it.
" But no, it was the butler's son.
That doesn't prove anything.
That proves that you're a liar.
The background check I ran on you proves that you've got a bit of a shoplifting problem.
You are really bad at it.
I can totally pay you.
I have the money.
I can get it right now.
All right.
Why don't we take a walk so we can discuss a few things, huh? But, you see, I can pay you.
There's really no need for physical violence.
Mind if I deal first? It's this great winery just outside of Ojai.
Right, it's 90 miles, but you feel like you're a world away.
- Oh, it sounds perfect.
- Great.
So next fall, we'll all go for the crush.
Oh, I'm so excited.
Make sure you stay right here for 9:00.
I have a big holiday surprise for everyone.
Elite Catering.
This is Martha.
The girl you fired from the Casablancas party.
What was her position? She was a le trancheur.
- What does a le trancheur do? - They're carvers, sir.
Carving.
Can you tell me what she looks like? A little impressed, aren't you? You must be really unlucky in love.
Okay.
I say we take a little break, let the cosmos realign because, obviously, something's up.
I can use something to eat.
Seriously, don't I just blend right in? Come on.
Where's Weevil? - I think we both stand out a bit.
- Yeah, right.
You are a natural at this.
Look at you.
Look, I'll be right back.
Can you hold this for a sec? You're killing me.
- So I You know.
- Yeah.
- Sorry about the whole - I've done plenty of other things.
So we're cool? Yeah.
Bartender? - Mars.
Mars.
- Look, I'm not on the list.
If you could just tell Aaron that Keith Mars is here.
- I'm not seeing you here, sir.
- Will you listen? This is an emergency.
I've got a question for you.
Hello, Veronica.
Does your head of security often take photographs of high school students and draw bull's-eyes over their faces, or am I special? - You too.
- It's the silver one.
Sam? - All right, well, the list doesn't lie.
- You have a ticket? Clarence Wiedman took pictures of me.
Surveillance pictures.
He drew a target over my face and sent them to my mother.
Why? - You're not making any sense.
- Why? - I have no idea - Why did you want her out of town? - I didn't.
- Why didn't she tell us about the pictures instead of hiding them? I don't know! I don't believe you.
- That's right.
That's - What did you do? - What? - What did you do? - I don't know what you're talking about.
- Don't lie to me, Celeste.
- What did you do? - Jake, stop it.
Get your coat.
We're leaving.
Well, I think it's time for us to get a drink.
Everyone? If you could just follow the Santas outside, I have a special surprise for you.
- I'll go grab my jacket.
- Okay.
We'll meet outside.
Come on, you two.
You'll miss the surprise.
And we know how much she loves a surprise.
- You don't even care, do you? - I'm sorry? You sleep with me, you say you love me.
Lynn, I don't know who this person is, I swear.
I don't know you.
Call the police! Somebody call an ambulance! What was I thinking? Christmas in Neptune is, was and always will be about the trappings.
The lights and the tinsel they use to cover up the sordidness, the corruption.
No, Veronica, there is no Santa Claus.
Dad told Jake Kane, the most powerful man in town that he was sure he was involved in his own daughter's death.
Duncan Kane.
He used to be my boyfriend.
And let's not forget Logan Echolls.
His dad makes 20 million a picture.
Smile, Logan.
Don't forget, these folks pay for all of this, huh? What the hell do you think you're doing on our beach? Am I supposed to apologize? Am I supposed to shake in my boots, Weevil? - Maybe.
- Look around you, man.
- It ain't 15 on four tonight.
- That's right.
All this time I've been thinking Mom bolted because she couldn't handle losing everything.
Maybe she just couldn't handle losing me.
Clarence Wiedman.
The man who took surveillance photos of me.
The ones with me framed in a gunsight.
You've reached Clarence Wiedman, head of security, Kane Software.
And there it is.
I know who's responsible for scaring Mom away from Neptune: Her former lover, Dad's nemesis, Jake Kane.
- Get his okay, will you make it snow? Sure thing.
Don't get your hopes up.
- Never get anywhere with that one.
- We'll have to try.
The downside to being an only child? You know all the scary handmade ornaments are yours.
This concerns me.
You gotta put another Padres ornament over there.
What? They should be spread out so it's even.
There are some people who think Christmas is about the birth of Christ and not baseball.
Well, we're all entitled to our own religions, Veronica.
- So, what do you want for Christmas? - Your love and respect.
Seriously, if you could have anything for Christmas.
Anything.
I want you to save your money.
Oh, hey.
Hey, hey.
Oh, it's our favorite part.
You start singing, you stop drinking.
You look comfortable with that thing in your mouth.
Sabor Cubano.
You people can hand-roll like nobody's business.
- Five hundred.
- Call.
Sean, isn't that ghetto brew beneath you? It's the new me.
I am projecting a ghetto aesthetic.
Word.
Man, where were you when I was playing the metrosexual in Lonely Season? In school, not getting paid a quarter of a million dollars to make out with Selma Blair, Connor.
Don't cry now.
All in.
Boo-hoo.
Oh, damn.
So let's see here, there are 42 cards remaining and I can win with 40 of them.
I can win with an ace.
I can win with a jack.
Will she be the 10 and give me the straight? Or will I get the high kicker out of my jack? Pins and needles.
- Just flip the card.
- Okay.
But the river is gonna get you.
I can't believe he beat you with a pair of twos.
I'd like my 5 grand now.
Sean, the money box, so I can pay the pool boy.
No, no, no.
You guys aren't pulling any of that with me.
Weev, I'm not pulling anything.
Where's the money? - Guys, where's the money? - Where is it? - Where's the money? - Did it fall out? - How could it fall out? - Maybe it was never in, huh? Dude, I rolled the money up and put it in the box.
You all saw me.
Well, I'm not leaving here without my money.
Now, do I have to turn each of you upside down and shake you? Did you guys call each other? This isn't over.
I'll be collecting a grand from each of you one way or another.
You picked the wrong guy to rip off.
This is the worst game of strip poker ever.
- Check it out.
- You know this is for a baseball camp, right? - It's not, like, a hot-guy catalog.
- Do they have a hot-guy catalog? "Attend a weeklong Padres fantasy camp at their first-class training site.
" It's the perfect Christmas present for my dad.
- In a world where you can afford 3 grand.
- I am so sick of not having money.
I'd be the best rich person.
Seriously.
I'd be the perfect combination of frivolous and sensible.
Money is so wasted on the wealthy.
I want my laptop now.
- How does it feel to want? - I am not screwing around.
I didn't take your money! Someone did.
Well, it wasn't me.
Let him go.
Lay off.
Someone stole your laptop? There was this poker game at Logan's last night.
Weevil won 5 grand, and someone stole the money.
This is his way of collecting.
You lie down with dogs, you're gonna get fleas.
I didn't invite him.
I wasn't talking about Weevil.
Hey, this kind of concerns you.
I don't see how.
I keep a journal on my laptop for the past, I don't know, three years.
There was a time when you were kind of a feature.
A feature with a cleverly disguised pseudonym? Let's just say I was prolific.
There are a million things Duncan could have written that I'd sooner impale myself on a rusty spike than have someone else read.
I must get that computer back.
That's how you play it, bro.
- Check it out.
- Hey.
See? There you go with that head-tilt thing.
You know, you think you're all badass but whenever you need something, it's all, "Hey.
" Just be glad I don't flip my hair.
I'd own you.
So, what can I do for you? You can not get busted stealing 09ers' stuff and let me handle this poker thing.
Seriously, why risk it? Give Duncan back his computer.
Let me handle this.
Could you please, Veronica, protect me from the big, bad sweater-vest-wearing rich boys? I'm just trying to help.
In what alternate universe does it look like I need your help, huh? Of course, if I get my 5 grand, some of those guys'll stop losing their stuff.
Why were you even there? I hear about a $5000 card game played by idiots, I'm interested.
If you're asking me to the prom, the answer is still no.
I heard you got a card game going on.
I'd like in on it.
- Yeah? I'm sure you would, but I can't.
- Thousand-dollar buy-in, right? I got the money, so, what's the problem? My only concern is property values going down if anyone sees you in my house without a leaf blower or a skimmer.
You're concerned? I'm the one who's gotta go up into the hills, all by myself.
What if I run into a pack of white boys? On some clean, well-lit street? I could be bored to death.
Fine.
It's $ 1000 in 10 crisp $ 100 bills.
We don't take food stamps.
Ouch, you got me.
He thought I was some dumb Mexican he could take for his cash.
Who do you think did it? Did Logan do it? Well, I know for a fact that nobody left the house with the money.
He could have hidden it anywhere, and he had an opportunity.
- Sean won again? - You miss a lot when you go to the bathroom every five seconds.
- Tip money for the guy who washes my Jag.
Dude, you don't even have a license.
Dude, why does he need a license when he has a chauffeur? Can it be considered an embarrassment of riches if I'm not embarrassed? Thoughts? Hot chick.
Poolside.
Bikini.
Dude, is that your mom? Here's to you, Mrs.
Echolls.
And all of you are gonna rot in hell.
I'll go to church if this is a skinny dip.
Please jump off the diving board.
Oh, God, I love your mother.
- Duncan was at the window? - Everybody but Logan was.
- You're sure.
- I wasn't taking notes, but yeah.
The money was in that house.
I would have torn it apart if I didn't think he'd call the cops.
I don't have an appointment.
I hope you're available.
I am.
Wait, I'll clear that for you.
- How are you, Lynn? - Honestly, I'm a little freaked out.
My husband gets a lot of disturbing letters from fans.
He's a very handsome man, and people get obsessed.
Everybody has their cross to bear, huh? Well, this one's different.
I found this on our breakfast table, in our house.
"Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn't keep her.
" Can you find her and keep her away? She's crazy.
Not necessarily a she.
- Do you keep all the threatening letters? - I try to.
Aaron throws them out.
I thought we'd need them.
I'd like to see them, if I may.
Just to determine whether this is the first letter.
Can I come by this afternoon? Perfect.
I know this goes without saying, but discretion's paramount.
- Of course.
- It's been a long time, Keith.
Well, yeah, our kids don't seem to hang out together much anymore.
Logan's had a tough time with Lilly's death.
Understandably.
Well, so has Veronica.
Good news.
I might be able to get your laptop back.
So, what is this? Like, a case? Yeah.
Like, the case of the guy who's too lazy to handwrite his journal like every normal person.
So any details you can give me? You're serious.
Were you a little surprised that Weevil was even there? As a matter of fact, I was.
Just wanna let you know I am, in fact, feeling lucky.
- What's up, buddy? What's up? Hello.
You're not Chester.
Hey, don't worry, okay? There's no way in hell I'm letting Weevil walk out of here with our money.
Do you think Logan invited Weevil there to steal his money? Invited him there to steal his money? No.
But? Nothing.
That's what he decides to steal? What's he going to do with a Fabergé egg? Two words, man: Huevos rancheros.
This is what I get for trying to be nice.
Messed up.
You got something to say to me, you say it, huh? Did you take the money? You were so drunk you wouldn't know if Kris Kringle took the money.
When did you get like this? You've been going over to the dark side so slowly that I didn't notice when you morphed into a full-fledged jackass.
- What, I'm a jackass? - Yeah.
And I'm over it.
What, are we breaking up now? Want your best-friend charm back? I try to make each Christmas as special as I can.
Carlita, bald patch.
I went through the letters, and I'm fairly certain that the stalker who left the letter inside had sent six previous letters.
Is it bad? I'm very concerned that this stalker has escalated to home delivery.
I have 200 guests coming here tomorrow night, and now I have to deal with this? I recommend you cancel the party.
I've hired plenty of security.
Well, what about these people? You have 10 people wandering around your house right now.
Do you even know them? Of course.
They're the help.
Here you go.
Keith.
Well, Lynn didn't get you over here about that letter, did she? - I get letters like that all the time.
- I still think it's wise to use extra caution.
Well, I'll keep that in mind.
Look, I'm sorry we bothered you about this.
It's nothing, trust me.
I mean, that sort of thing is perfectly normal.
Normal? I was wondering if you did pumpkin carving.
Yes, I'm aware that it's Christmas.
You know, I already have a gingerbread house, but thank you.
Making a list and checking it twice.
Is there a side job I should know about? Do we not live in California? Isn't there produce available Well, at least now I know what I'm getting you.
Hey, do you have a minute to run by the Echolls' house for me? I need Lynn to sign a few papers.
Sure.
Come on.
Come on.
I love the smell of testosterone in the morning.
This is why I suggested attack dogs.
But no, my mother wanted an alpaca.
My father sent me with paperwork for your mom.
And you just wanted to say hi? Good thing I didn't have my slam book out.
I wanted to ask you about the game.
I've been meaning to ask you something.
Did your super-sleuth kit come with a decoder ring? Do you have a pen that writes with invisible ink? Never mind.
Don't care.
Mush, mush.
Hey, wait.
Hey.
Hey, maybe you should talk to Connor.
Larkin? Like, Connor Larkin? Look, he's a mortal, believe me.
They just draw his abs on.
Is he doing another movie with your father? You know, I don't know if it's so much a movie as a $50 million crap pile.
Why would Connor steal the money? He's a zillionaire.
Well, everybody's got their issues, right? Plus, the guy's got something against me.
So, what's Catherine Zeta-Jones like? She likes to read to starving children and bake homemade scones.
This according to The Insider.
- I met her in passing.
- It's not like your people.
They don't all know each other.
- Dude, what's up with that? - What? - That's the tenth racist thing you've said.
- Oh, my God.
Does the soapbox come with the SAG card? Oh, is it because Rosie Perez thought you were a girl? What? Wait, wait.
This I gotta hear.
No, no.
When Logan was like 10, he was madly in love with Rosie Perez.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Aaron arranged for her to come to his birthday party.
It was, like, this big moment.
She walks in with this gift and she's like, "Happy birthday, Lauren.
" That's funny.
Really hysterical.
Oh, dude, she got you a purse.
Connor, you really are like the son Aaron Echolls never had.
So, wait, wait.
Do you still have the purse? So unless his Pavlovian response to a downloaded ring tone is to urinate then he was up to something.
Or his bladder's as small as his brain.
I would be more than happy to question him.
I have a feeling he's not the easiest person to get to.
Probably has a team of bodyguards to protect him from girls like me.
I honestly don't get it.
Hey, man.
It's Logan Echolls.
Yeah, hey, listen, can you get my friend a drive-on today to see Connor? Yeah.
Veronica Mars.
No, Veronica.
V as in "virgin.
" Yeah.
- There you go.
- Look at you, all helpful.
Hey, your pestiness being unleashed on Connor brings me joy.
Annoy, tiny blond one.
Annoy like the wind.
Action! All right, not bad.
That's a cut.
Let's set it up to go again, please.
I don't know if Connor's smile cost a million but his six-pack abs are worth at least double that.
Damn.
I repeat, damn.
- Too shiny? - No.
My helicopter gets shot down mid-flight, so I'm supposed to be sweaty but I don't want it to be gross.
I think you're good.
So let me guess, you wanna be an actress.
No.
No, I'm just your standard-issue fan.
Logan told me you were at the poker game, and - Oh, yeah.
That was fun.
- Heard it got a little weird.
Someone stole all the money? Yeah.
And I feel sorry for the kid who won too.
He was pretty cool.
He was real, you know what I'm saying? Any idea who took it? Could have been anyone.
As I understand it no one left the room, and it wasn't possible for anyone to walk out with cash on them.
You know what? There was one guy who left the room with cash.
How can you play cards when you can't even get your wallet out? And how does he keep winning hands? At least I take out my wallet, unlike some cheap-ass people.
If I didn't know, I'd think you were speaking ill of me.
Dude, you get dropped off in a Town Car, and you can't even chip in for beer.
I happen to enjoy my ghetto-brew affectation.
Quenching.
- You enjoy being a tightwad.
- Thanks for coming out.
- Thank you.
- Wait.
How much did you tip? Dude, I don't know.
A couple bucks.
Dude, the bill was 50.
That's like 4 percent.
- Look who's got beer brains.
- Here, man.
It's a kinder, gentler Weevil.
- Thank you.
- It's Christmas, even for delivery guys.
Anyone could have gotten his hands in the money box.
There were plenty of times.
Bathroom breaks, beer breaks Lynn Echolls breaks? Oh, yeah, you heard about that one, huh? It's my agent.
Can you excuse me? Wallace, are you still in the attendance office? It's a small favor.
Teeny.
Sean Friedrich's home address.
I wanna send him a Christmas card.
Hey.
I was hoping we could have a quick conversation in private.
Brian's cool.
We can talk freely in front of him.
Aaron, were you with anyone last Halloween that might be harboring some resentment or ill will? - No.
- I was thinking that, you know the Aaron-o'- lantern had some significance.
A spurned lover, perhaps.
I'm faithful to my wife.
In fact, I was with Lynn last Halloween at the Casablancas' annual costume party.
I'm just making sure.
You understand.
Well, I appreciate that.
I don't wanna stir up any muck.
Well, there's no muck to stir.
- Mr.
Friedrich? - Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
Is Sean home? - He's not available.
- It'd be a minute - Sean is not permitted to receive visitors.
Mr.
Friedrich.
I spoke with Sadie Casablancas, and she said you catered her Halloween party last year.
- I cater it every year.
Anything special about this party? I really can't talk about the events we do.
It's in the contract.
Is that so? You should know, I was told you had the bad taste to fire someone that night.
She did not say "bad taste.
" Like I had a choice.
Servers were restricted to the first floor, as always but one server snuck off upstairs to find an available bathroom.
Aaron Echolls insisted that the girl be fired.
He wanted her fired because she was on the second floor of somebody else's house.
That and someone else's wife was on top of him.
Wait, you're saying Aaron Echolls was with another woman the night of the Halloween party? While his wife was downstairs eating canapés.
- Good morning.
- Maybe in your world.
In mine, I am minus one Rolex.
The criminal element found its way into my gym bag yesterday.
- Why can't we all have nice things? - Who behaves this way? Maybe you missed that "eye for an eye" section in your Bible.
- Okay, this isn't retribution.
It's thievery.
- Weevil didn't start this.
- It's not his fault someone stole the money.
- Is that so? - This is ridiculous.
- Yeah.
I usually get six figures for this.
- What about you? - I'm the one who got his money stolen.
I'm thinking crabs.
- I told your mother to clean up, but - Guys, play nice.
I'm playing nice.
Believe me.
Why would Weevil steal his own money? You should really consider another profession.
Perhaps he stole the money before he knew he would win.
Right before Mrs.
Echolls got wet and wild, he was down to his last two chips.
- I heard you weren't doing so hot either.
- Yeah.
But the difference is, I don't need the money.
So I interviewed the caterer for the Casablancas' Halloween party.
Would you mind getting that for me? Thanks.
Apparently, you were caught in flagrante.
Yeah.
My memory isn't what it used to be either.
- Listen, it didn't mean anything.
- What's it gonna mean? - I love my wife.
- Aaron my job is to track down a potentially dangerous stalker.
Your affair is Well, that's your affair.
So you're You're not gonna tell Lynn.
If Lynn had hired me to find out if you were cheating on her, I would tell her.
She hired me to protect you, and that's what I'm gonna do.
But I need your help.
This is the guest list from the Casablancas' Halloween party.
Circle the name of who you slept with.
No, maybe I should clarify.
Who you slept with at the Halloween party.
God.
That was the night that I had the hard cider.
That would be Monica Hadwen? Yeah.
But she's not a stalker.
- She's my agent's wife.
- I'm sure she's lovely.
Mrs.
Casablancas gave me photos from the party.
If you could point out Monica and Sharon and Deborah.
There they are.
These three women are invited to your Christmas party.
Maybe that's not the best idea.
Well, they're not stalkers.
They're just needy.
Tighter.
I didn't lose 5 pounds for my health.
So, Mrs.
Hadwen My maiden name.
I didn't want to be Monica Greenblatt.
If there's anything else you could tell me, it would be helpful to the Echolls.
What's to tell? Aaron's a sexy, charming movie star with an ass like an 18-year-old wrestler.
He's psycho bait.
You know, can we go a couple inches higher? It's not a wake.
You should talk to Deborah Daly.
She's always hovering around Aaron, sticking her fake boobs at him.
Okay, look, my life depends on looking as hot as possible in this.
You're gonna need to rally.
Always with an audience.
He's the Echolls' private investigator.
Aaron has a stalker.
I'm providing him with the lowdown on the ladies that aim higher than tennis pro.
You'd think one part of my day wouldn't involve Aaron.
Before Aaron, his biggest client was a day player on Boy Meets World.
And before me you sat in your underwear in a fish tank at the Standard.
Breathe, Veronica.
So what? Duncan's secret diary is unaccounted for.
That doesn't mean the intimate details of our strange, steamy relationship will become public domain at Neptune High.
Things don't always turn out for the worst.
After all, it's Christmas.
Despite what everyone else might think, Santa knows I've been a good girl.
- You'll hurt yourself thinking that hard.
- They say if you're caught in a stare it means your mind needs a break.
Like that mind ever takes a break.
So how's the poker case coming? Oh, it's a Christmas miracle.
I think I finally found a way to send my dad to camp.
Can you guys kiss and make up already? So good news, bad news.
The good news is, I know who stole the money.
The bad news is, I know who stole the money.
Here's my brilliant idea: Filled with holiday spirit, Logan will host another game.
- Will I? - I'm thinking tonight.
No, my mother's Christmas party is tonight.
So no BYOB.
Here's how it'll go down: I'll tell you who did it, and you'll buy me into the game.
I'll take the place of whoever stole the money.
Unless you think you might still want him around.
You know, even if you keep talking, it's not gonna happen.
Oh, I thought you guys might all want your stuff back.
Yeah.
If I get my 5 grand, some items could magically reappear.
And if you think about it anyone who doesn't see this as a great offer is obviously the thief.
- Kind of a no-brainer.
- Do you even know how to play poker? No.
But it must be really hard, if all you guys play.
Ho, ho, ho.
Allow me.
You want a soda pop or something? You know, I think I want something with a little more kick.
Hey, no Damn, girl! - Iced tea? - Yeah.
How very musical theater of you.
Duncan can't remember the alphabet when he drinks, let alone figure out 20 percent of the pizza bill.
No, he didn't play drunk to steal your money.
He played drunk to win your money.
To no avail, it seems.
Oh, and Connor isn't a drug addict.
I know.
The constant bathroom visits? He wasn't going for a fix.
He was going because of the sun tea.
It's that diuretic wrestlers down when they need to make weight.
Or that actors use before they're half-naked on the cover of Vanity Fair.
Then there's bachelor number three, and he's got it all.
Motive, access looks like an evildoer smells like an evildoer.
But surprisingly, not so much.
Weevil cleared him.
He searched the room, but didn't go through it as much as he wanted.
When I saw it, it looked like it had been raided by the FBI.
If Logan took the money and hid it he wouldn't have had to tear the room apart looking for it.
So two left.
The boy from the wrong side of the tracks and the boy who lives in the most expensive house in the 09er zip.
So do you wanna hear how Sean did it? Oh, he's a crafty little bugger.
Sean didn't bring the bigmouthed Joe's because he's cheap.
He knew he couldn't leave with the money, so he didn't.
What happens to garbage in the 09er zip? He waited for the recycling to go out the next day and did a little garbage picking.
Sean? Why? The guy has a chauffeur drive him to school every day.
- Why would he need to steal? - Funny story: When I went to Sean's, I couldn't help but wonder what was his dad doing home, dressed in a suit, instead of being at work? Mr.
Friedrich.
Unless he was at work.
I have to say, I was a bit miffed.
I was this close to being able to say, "The butler did it.
" But no, it was the butler's son.
That doesn't prove anything.
That proves that you're a liar.
The background check I ran on you proves that you've got a bit of a shoplifting problem.
You are really bad at it.
I can totally pay you.
I have the money.
I can get it right now.
All right.
Why don't we take a walk so we can discuss a few things, huh? But, you see, I can pay you.
There's really no need for physical violence.
Mind if I deal first? It's this great winery just outside of Ojai.
Right, it's 90 miles, but you feel like you're a world away.
- Oh, it sounds perfect.
- Great.
So next fall, we'll all go for the crush.
Oh, I'm so excited.
Make sure you stay right here for 9:00.
I have a big holiday surprise for everyone.
Elite Catering.
This is Martha.
The girl you fired from the Casablancas party.
What was her position? She was a le trancheur.
- What does a le trancheur do? - They're carvers, sir.
Carving.
Can you tell me what she looks like? A little impressed, aren't you? You must be really unlucky in love.
Okay.
I say we take a little break, let the cosmos realign because, obviously, something's up.
I can use something to eat.
Seriously, don't I just blend right in? Come on.
Where's Weevil? - I think we both stand out a bit.
- Yeah, right.
You are a natural at this.
Look at you.
Look, I'll be right back.
Can you hold this for a sec? You're killing me.
- So I You know.
- Yeah.
- Sorry about the whole - I've done plenty of other things.
So we're cool? Yeah.
Bartender? - Mars.
Mars.
- Look, I'm not on the list.
If you could just tell Aaron that Keith Mars is here.
- I'm not seeing you here, sir.
- Will you listen? This is an emergency.
I've got a question for you.
Hello, Veronica.
Does your head of security often take photographs of high school students and draw bull's-eyes over their faces, or am I special? - You too.
- It's the silver one.
Sam? - All right, well, the list doesn't lie.
- You have a ticket? Clarence Wiedman took pictures of me.
Surveillance pictures.
He drew a target over my face and sent them to my mother.
Why? - You're not making any sense.
- Why? - I have no idea - Why did you want her out of town? - I didn't.
- Why didn't she tell us about the pictures instead of hiding them? I don't know! I don't believe you.
- That's right.
That's - What did you do? - What? - What did you do? - I don't know what you're talking about.
- Don't lie to me, Celeste.
- What did you do? - Jake, stop it.
Get your coat.
We're leaving.
Well, I think it's time for us to get a drink.
Everyone? If you could just follow the Santas outside, I have a special surprise for you.
- I'll go grab my jacket.
- Okay.
We'll meet outside.
Come on, you two.
You'll miss the surprise.
And we know how much she loves a surprise.
- You don't even care, do you? - I'm sorry? You sleep with me, you say you love me.
Lynn, I don't know who this person is, I swear.
I don't know you.
Call the police! Somebody call an ambulance! What was I thinking? Christmas in Neptune is, was and always will be about the trappings.
The lights and the tinsel they use to cover up the sordidness, the corruption.
No, Veronica, there is no Santa Claus.