Veronica Mars s02e09 Episode Script

Since you all had such a raucous good time with venereal diseases, I'm sure you'll be thrilled with phase two of sex ed.
Ladies and gentlemen welcome to parenthood.
So that's where babies come from.
For the next five days, you moms and dads will team up and care for your very own baby think-it-over.
Some parenting tips.
Your babies have very sophisticated sensors.
They know when they want to be held and when they want a bottle.
Most importantly, your babies have very good memories - or rather, memory chips.
So, if you're looking to pass this class, I'd give junior some serious tlc.
Now, find a partner, pick a baby.
Oh, aren't we supposed to have a shot of tequila first? Pick a good 'un, honey.
I got to go see the man.
What do you got for me - S.
A.
T.
Cheating scam, toilet cam in the girls' locker room, a sticky divorce, perhaps? I need for you to open up your purse, Veronica.
Hand over your keys.
All your keys.
I can explain that.
You don't have to.
The district's put in a security system that keeps track of all after-hours visitors I don't see any cameras here.
There's no way you can prove that I broke in.
How else could you have gotten the drug testing results? The faked drug test results? Let me walk you through it.
Usually when I save your butt, I start by - what else have you stolen from my school? I can't imagine that all of these keys belong to your property.
For instance, what's this one for? That one? Let's see.
That one opens a duraguard file safe manufactured prior to 1990.
And, uh, this one? Fits any vespa scooter.
What? I like to come prepared.
In that case, prepare yourself for a suspension.
You broke into my filing cabinet.
That's possibly even grounds for the sheriff's involvement.
If you suspend me, I won't be eligible for the Kane scholarship.
Yes, I'm aware of both your academic record and your financial situation.
I might be inclined to let you off with detention.
Fine, detention.
I'll take it.
Excuse me, Mac? Mac? Oh, were you talking to me? Yeah, I was, actually.
Um, I was wondering if I could hire you.
To do what? Well, I need a domain registered and an online identity for my company, Phoenix Land Trust.
I would also need you to design a logo for my letterhead.
You know, I-I-I'm happy to match whatever your going rate is.
I need the work to be fortune 500 caliber.
Look, I'll help you get your company up and running, but basically you're hiring me to do your homework for you, right? Um Right.
Some other exciting news - Neptune players will be holding open audition for "Hamlet" all week, and I am especially proud to announce this year's special celebrity director - television and screen star, not to mention NHS Alum, miss Trina Echolls.
Principal Moorehead, you old star stroker.
If Logan's sister is back in Neptune, that must mean she was the first one booted off "The Surreal Life" this season.
Veronica you are aware that school isn't over yet? But detention was just so close.
I convinced my 7th-period teacher to let me out early.
Follow me, then.
Got a little project for you.
The janitor had a dolly accident last week moving the permanent records.
Your sentence is up when each of these files finds its way alphabetically into that cabinet.
And I can't use magic, right? My mom's permanent record? Six months ago she vanished in the middle of the night, but I guess we all leave a little something behind.
Mom didn't talk about her Neptune days very often.
But back before she started drinking, she told me that high school is something you had to get through.
I knew what she meant.
I always liked imagining that I would've gotten along with Lianne as a teenager, even long after Lianne the adult failed to meet or exceed expectations.
Lianne Reynolds suspended three days for spreading false and malicious rumors concerning another student.
Lianne Reynolds appeared at a disciplinary hearing along with fellow student Deborah Philipina Drummond.
Huh.
I wonder if she's any relation to Deborah Philipina Hauser.
This is gonna take you a very long time if you plan to read each individually.
I was just - snooping through school property.
Isn't that what landed you here in detention? Back to work, Veronica.
Hey, you tripped the damn breaker again, Berto! You hear me, man?! I heard your lights were out.
Ever hear of genetics, kid? Thanks to your grandma, I've got a 50/50 shot at becoming an alky.
Guess that makes your odds Oh, and there's also this latent mean-girl gene.
You're lucky you're made out of plastic.
Hey, mrs.
Hauser, do you have a sec? I haven't had my coffee.
Intrude on my personal time at your own risk.
You used to be friends with my mom, Lianne Reynolds? You were in the same class? I knew your mother.
Well enough to get suspended together senior year.
Why would you dig up an ugly story like that? Discovering that your mom and your teacher were suspended for spreading a false and malicious rumor who wouldn't want to know more about that? It's not a juicy story, Veronica.
It's an embarrassment.
I'm ashamed I even listened to Lianne's gossip, let alone repeat it.
I didn't understand the consequences.
A lot of people got hurt because your mother just couldn't keep her mouth shut.
Maybe you can learn from her mistake.
There you go, kid.
Here's life lesson number one - what goes around, comes around.
You've been working here for what, like, ever? Any idea what my mom did her senior year to get herself suspended? Let me get this straight - you want follow-up on what I explicitly forbade you from doing yesterday? Um yes.
More alphabetizing, less cold-casing.
Back then I was a young science teacher.
I would have no idea.
Didn't you read the report? Yeah, but they blacked all the good stuff out.
Hmm.
Who else was here in 1980? What? I'm just trying to figure out what kind of person my mom was.
Mrs.
Hauser was a student.
Mr.
Moorehead was the vice principal.
Mary mooney was a student.
I think that's it, the entire list.
Mary Mooney? Who's that? Excuse me, Mary? Mary Mooney? You can ask as loud as you want.
Lunch lady does not talk.
She's, like, retarded or deaf or something.
Mom learned to sign because she had an aunt who was deaf.
She taught me the alphabet, but that was a long time ago.
Excuse me.
Did you know L- i-a-n-n-e R- e-y-n-o-l-d-s? Alas, it seems that sign language isn't at all like riding a bicycle.
I'm sorry.
Can you go slower? Lianne was a fiend? My mom, the fiend.
Tell me something I don't know.
Principal Moorehead.
Veronica.
I see that mr.
Clemmons is failing in his prime directive.
What's that? Keeping you out of my face.
Mind if we walk and talk? You were vice principal here in 1980.
Indeed, I was.
And you suspended my mom for spreading a false and malicious rumor about another student.
That sounds like me.
What was your mom's name? Lianne Reynolds.
Well, uh, I saw a great deal of your mother, as a matter of fact.
Do you remember why she was suspended? What did she say that was so awful? Well, of course, I don't, Veronica.
But even if I did, why would I want to repeat it? I'm sure your mom turned into a terrific person.
But during the time she was here, Lianne was rather vicious.
Veronica? And you, alan.
How's my favorite principal? Take five.
Oh, isn't he a big old teddy bear? Well, Trina, it's good to have you back here.
And you look fantastic.
That look is so great.
J'adore.
So, how have you been? I mean, aside from that whole mess with dad and all.
What, that? It's water under the bridge.
Great.
I've really been meaning to call you.
There has been some super exciting news with the project.
Three words - Evan Rachel Wood.
Okay.
She's gonna play you in "the Aaron Echolls story".
Name changed since you won't sign the release forms.
It's such a great part.
It was all over the trades.
You didn't see it? I don't know how I missed it.
You should audition for the play.
Oh, you can audition using anything.
Frankly, we need some pretty girls.
Yeah, thanks anyway.
I can't act.
Oh, acting's overrated.
You've got presence, sweetie.
Listen, we'll catch up later.
Right now my company needs me.
Oh, the play is my master, and I am its whore.
Someone request turn-on service? I'm pretty sure it's called turndown service.
Oh, well, who would want that? Logan's not here.
Loosen up, Richie Rich, okay? I've been in both your beds.
I've earned the occasional drop-by.
Oh, my god, tell me that is not a baby.
Don't be silly.
It's an animatronic parental-lifestyle simulator.
It's a class project.
Well, isn't that just the creepiest little thing I've ever seen? So, you want a break from daddy duty? Let me take you for a ride.
A ride? Big d's maserati is downstairs.
You got to check it out.
You would look so hot in it.
Can't I just be loved for me? The maserati retails for 150 grand, but I'll let you have her for half that.
You do know how to drive a stick, don't you? Actually - don't worry.
I'll teach you the fun way.
We don't even have to leave the couch.
Do they, like, chemically castrate you boys over at that school? You don't need sex ed.
I am sex ed.
Hey, Trina.
Duncan, you're looking good.
It's all the clean living.
Hi, baby.
What took you so long? If I had known you were throwing yourself at my roommate, I'd have raced home.
I brought a surprise for you.
I figured you and Duncan could try it.
Maybe if you boys play nice, you could share or take turns or something.
Duncan's not into that sort of thing, pumpkin.
I'm talking about Dick's maserati.
Wait a minute.
Are you, like, sleeping with my little brother? What is he - 13? So, is this your much-older sister I've heard nothing about? Ah, yes, where are my manners? Kendall Casablancas, Trina Echolls.
Rode hard, meet put away wet.
I'm guessing she's the wet one.
Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got places to be.
Where? Is there a club where you, Dedee Pfeiffer, Joey Travolta, and Melissa Rivers all meet for drinks? There is.
I don't think you'd like it.
It's 21 and over.
We're hitting an after-party at Chuck E.
Cheese, though, if you're free.
Okay, well, I need him in bed by 10:00 P.
M.
sharp.
He's got school tomorrow.
Night, all.
Well, the joke's on her.
She came over to borrow my video camera.
The girl does love a good exit line.
After scouring mom's senior yearbook, I found one mysterious inscription amidst all the "stay cool"s and "let's party this summer"s.
One Patty Wilson wrote, "Lianne, thanks for all the dishy dish.
You made physics bearable.
" Lucky for me, not only does Patty still live in Neptune, but she jumped at the chance to meet me for coffee.
At least someone remembers mom fondly.
Patty? You must be Veronica.
Just look at you.
Pretty, just like your mom.
I'm sure you'll be happy to hear that your mom was very popular.
That's great.
We were lab partners, and we'd just sit in the back of the room and gossip and snipe girl stuff.
But the juiciest bits were always about your mom's love life.
Really? What about? Your mom and Jake Kane The Jake Kane were on again, off again the summer before senior year.
But by homecoming, they were together for good or so Lianne thought.
What happened? That spiteful little shrew that he dated over the summer told him that she was pregnant.
Jake Kane got somebody pregnant 25 years ago? Well, your mom didn't think so.
She was sure that Celeste was lying.
Celeste Kane? Celeste Carnathan back then.
Her family was moving out of the school district, so she had to find a way to break Jake and Lianne up for good.
Celeste finished the year at penn.
Of course, she managed to find her way back to Neptune for prom.
And I'm guessing she wasn't pregnant at the dance.
That's right.
Jake's love child had magically disappeared.
Either mom got dumped because Celeste said she was pregnant or mom said Celeste was pregnant because she was dumped.
Sorry I'm late.
Almost started without you.
You'd have missed out on my chili surprise.
You made chili? Surprise.
Had to stop by Duncan's and pick up my progeny.
Can I ask you a question about mom? Shoot.
When you met her, she was still a cool person, right? Of course she was cool.
She married me, didn't she? Why do you ask? I just found out that mom was suspended her senior year.
I'm pretty sure it was for spreading a rumor that Celeste Kane was pregnant.
That doesn't sound very cool.
My point exactly.
Do me a favor? What kind of favor? Access the county birth records, find out if mom was telling the truth.
And that's gonna tell you what? You know who your mom was.
Forget the past couple of years.
You loved her.
She loved you.
Which is more torturous: organizing disciplinary files or spending lunch watching the bard get flogged by the second lead of "Wilder Things"? Are you honest? My lord? Are you fair? What means your lordship? Oops, sorry.
It's mine.
He's just a little colicky.
That if you be honest and fair, your honesty should admit no discourse to your beauty.
Could beauty, my lord, have better commerce than with You are too cute.
You want to have a meeting.
I love it! So, what's this all about? What's that? This is the box for my father's $15000 panerai destro that you sold to the webbers for 5 grand.
This family has been humiliated enough already.
You need to stop.
Yeah.
He bilks investors for millions, but I'm humiliating the family? I don't have a little trust fund to take care of me, so a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.
I have a better solution.
I'm using my trust fund to start a real-estate business.
I've already found some office space downtown, and I've drawn up a prospectus, if you'd like to take a look at it.
What's this got to do with me? I'm 16: I can't meet with investors, I can't sign legal documents.
Now, this is where you would come in.
You would be the face of the Phoenix Land Trust.
Gee, Cassidy, I didn't think you liked me.
I don't, but I find value in your desperation.
Look, kid, I have worked very hard over the years to avoid working.
Now you want to give me a job? I know nothing about sales.
Sure you do.
That's all you know.
Look, you'll be salaried, a grand a week + commission that you'll see outlined there.
Big "D" is gonna get through this eventually.
It's sweet what you're trying to do.
Your dad would be so proud.
If you want this little arrangement to work, try not to patronize me.
Sir.
Yes, sir.
So, when do I get my first check? There's no baby born in 1980 under either last name, Kane or Carnathan.
So Celeste was lying.
That or she might've had an abortion.
Is that the type of thing you can check up on? Honey, it looks to me like you and Duncan have a nice little thing going, so why do you have to go out of your way to pick off a 25-year-old scab? I just want a little proof that my mom was a good person, that she wasn't one of the girls I hate so much, one of the girls that makes high school miserable for everyone else.
Okay.
What? Kind of a bonus, isn't it? That you can prove Celeste is the witch you think she is at the same time? If she didn't split Jake and your mom up, well, you wouldn't have me.
And that means you wouldn't be you, Veronica.
And that would be bad, right? Right.
So, try to keep that in mind when I tell you this.
A Jane Doe baby was delivered to the Balboa County Hospital on may 8th, 1980.
That's weird.
It gets weirder.
They found the baby in the girls' bathroom during the Neptune High School prom.
Celeste.
You don't actually listen when I talk, do you? You're it.
Oh, no, no, no.
Junior's all yours tonight.
Baby and cheeseburgers.
It's a package deal.
I have to get some sleep tonight, civics test.
I would if I could, but I've got plans.
Plans? I don't remember you running anything by me.
I left the bottle in my car.
Well, at least you brought the baby up this time.
Look, I'll handle this, but then you've got to get out of here.
Do you have a chick coming over? I'm going out to dinner.
You know I'm surprised that mom never got one of these things for Lilly.
She was always so terrified that Lilly would get pregnant.
That's ironic.
What's ironic? Your mom afraid that Lilly would get pregnant.
Hey, now, you're not about to bad-mouth Celeste, are you? Heavens no.
I mean, what could I say about that saint? She is a warmhearted, good-humored, lovely woman of high breeding and impeccable social grace.
Why, thank you, Veronica.
Mom.
Hey, you're early.
I wanted to give you your clean clothes before dinner.
What is she doing here? "She" meaning me? I guess I'm here as Duncan's secret girlfriend.
Oh, and we have a love child.
Want to hold her? She's snuggly.
I'll pass.
Astrid, if you're done gaping, the clothes? I'm sorry.
I should've told them.
Or mentioned to me that you hadn't.
I told your father something like this would happen.
This is exactly why we should've taken you up to napa.
Not in front of the baby.
This isn't amusing, Veronica.
It's not.
Me breeding with a kane? No laughing matter.
But, look, no one has to know, right? Worst case scenario, things don't work out, I'll just dump her off at the big dance.
It worked at your prom, didn't it? Does she ever make sense, Duncan? Does she ever thaw out, Duncan? When I look at your face, all I see is your drunk slut of a mother.
Ma! Look, Duncan, she can't just Veronica, I need a moment alone with my mom.
Sure.
We'll be in the bedroom.
You don't mind your dirty laundry mixing with your clean laundry, do you? Nice boss you got out there.
Ooh, yeah.
How can you put up with her? I wouldn't, but she promised to pay my way through grad school next year.
Kind of a weird question, but is that your real hair color, Astrid? You're right.
That is a weird question.
I'm more of what you'd call a bottle blonde.
And I'm guessing you're about 25? You should really work at a carnival.
I am indeed 25.
Please, don't ask me my weight.
We're leaving, now.
So, is that how Celeste lives with herself? She hires her abandoned daughter to fold laundry in exchange for paying her tuition? If Astrid is the prom baby, she's got a whole hell of a lot more coming her way.
Excuse me, mrs.
Murphy? Yes, Logan? Hey, you mind if I take a bathroom break? You always ask to go to the bathroom during this period.
I know.
It's that 12-pack I slam at lunch.
It goes right through me.
Hurry back, Logan.
I hope that tape didn't burn too much when they ripped it off.
I hear that can leave some chafing.
You made the wrong play, dog.
I shouldn't let you live for what you pulled.
What I pulled? Hang on, compadre, let's recap.
You blasted a shotgun through my car with me inside.
That wasn't me.
You torched my house.
Then your masked bandidos played russian roulette with my hand Okay, my math says you still owe me.
I thought you killed Felix.
I didn't.
Yeah, I pretty much know that now.
Are you waiting for the music to swell before you start the apology? We have something in common now.
We both need to find out who killed Felix.
So, what, we team up, get matching capes, I ride shotgun in a sidecar? Something like that, but not yet.
See, I can't let you leave here looking the way you did when you walked in, not if I don't want to end up some bald guy with tattoos who rides the school bus.
I hope you don't just expect me to stand here and take it.
Wouldn't be much fun if you did.
Who's gonna throw the first - Well, is it true what they say about it? They say it's new, but I have to doubt it.
And then they tell you everything about it Had enough All right.
All right.
Let's move it.
Come on, get to class.
I got some people saying this way I got some people saying that way Ain't it tough? See the idiot walk See the idiot talk let's go.
See the idiot chalk up his name on the blackboard Nothing to see here.
Come on, let's go.
See the robot talk They're lucky they got that door down.
Sounded like weevil was just beating the freckles off his ass.
Did you see him walk by? Wasn't much left off that pretty 09er face.
But he walked, didn't he? If that was me, after what surfer boy did, I would've put him in the ground.
I gave you a few options.
Here's if you want to go with the whole flash animation route.
Sweet.
But if you're worried about inducing epileptic fits with your clients, we can go with a more sleek graphic version.
I like sleek.
Me too.
"Phoenix Land Trust, inc.
Cassidy casablancas, CEO.
" Nice! I would totally trust this company with my money.
And it'll work wonders with the ladies.
Chicks dig scars and acronyms.
Good to know.
I'm a giver of info.
Yeah, well, as much as I'd like to impress the ladies with my title, I actually need the ceo to be listed as Kendall Casablancas.
Pay me in cash, I ask no questions.
Just tip me off when you're going public.
You know, I think that might be illegal.
Still.
You're admiring my moxie, aren't you.
Something like that.
You must be mrs.
Mahnovski.
Thanks for coming down.
If you wouldn't mind following me into my office.
Adoption agencies tend to keep their information under lock and key.
Temporary foster parents, however, tend to be the weak link in the security chain.
I see you and your husband have taken in a number of children over the years.
You don't happen to remember a little girl who was in your care for a few weeks back in 1980? She was the one who was found in the high school.
How could I forget the prom baby? The prom baby, right.
Well, my clients seem to think she might be their very own long-lost child.
Well, I'll be.
My clients don't want a lot of publicity.
They're quite wealthy, and they're really only interested in taking care of the child financially.
So, if you could just point me in the right direction I'm just not sure their money would mean all that much to her.
Really? Why is that? I happen to know she ended up in a wealthy local home.
She did? Though this past year, I'm afraid, her adoptive mother committed suicide and her adoptive father went to jail.
By all rights, I should just let this drop.
I can't pretend I'm righting a wrong.
I'm not rescuing a housekeeper.
Be honest with yourself, Veronica.
You just can't stand Celeste Kane, and you want to see her humiliated.
Heard you were still in here.
Yeah, they're keeping me another day for observation.
Doc wants to make sure the swelling goes down before I leave.
I should let you rest.
I don't even know why I'm bothering you with this.
What's that you've got? Nothing.
I was just thinking of trying out for the play.
And I wanted to tape myself, maybe get some direction.
Don't do this to yourself.
You're dying.
Can't you see you're dying? Then please let me die in peace.
I can't do that, because there is hope.
There's always hope.
I don't need hope.
I need bone marrow.
My doctor said only a blood relation can save me.
What about your parents? I'm adopted.
Unless the mother who abandoned me comes forward, unless I find out who I really am it's over for me.
And scene.
You know, I really am adopted.
Really? I I didn't know that.
So, who's the mean girl now? To do what needs to be done, I wouldn't just be shaming Celeste.
I'd be making a public spectacle out of Trina.
Okay, Trina, I was lying.
That whole bit about wanting to try out for the play, a lie.
The truth is, as a baby, you were left in a Neptune High girls' bathroom on prom night 25 years ago.
No way.
Ashton kutcher is hiding somewhere, right? Ashton, come out.
You can't get me that easy.
Trina, I'm dead serious.
Okay.
If you're joking, you really can act.
You're a natural.
You were found in a girls' bathroom on prom night.
What? So, you mean my mother was, like, one of those trashy sluts that dumped me in a garbage can? I'm pretty sure Celeste Kane is your mom.
Well, there's worse news you could've given me.
They've got billions.
I suppose they do.
Um I was gonna use this audition tape to smoke her out, shame her.
I was gonna send this video to all the tabloids.
Oh, you're a rascal, Veronica Mars.
Am I? I was thinking I was something else less flattering.
You know, if we hurry, that tape can make tonight's entertainment news.
Oh, it's the least big pat can do for me after leaving all those pervy messages on my voice mail.
"Poor yorick.
I knew him, horatio " Okay, people, take five.
"Starlet's silent struggle with death.
" "The echolls family curse.
" "Webster rumored to be discovered in neverland basement.
" I'm sorry.
You have to go slower.
Look - it's lunch lady Doris.
Doris was so nice to me when I went here.
Used to always give me extra cake.
Actually, her name is Mary.
Really? Guess I just decided to call her Doris.
You want to help? Oh, that's so sweet.
Tell her thanks, but this is a student production.
Trina? What's she saying? Veronica, could you please tell me what's going on? She's saying she wants to give you her bone marrow.
Trina is really your daughter? Trina was the prom baby? What did my mother do to hurt you? "Hurt? You mother was my friend.
" Friend? Lianne was your friend? What a difference a letter makes.
"Lianne could sign.
She'd eat lunch with me most of the time.
She was the sweetest, coolest girl in school.
" You know, when I was a kid, I used to imagine that someday I'd find out my parents were, like, movie stars.
Trina, your parents actually were movie stars.
I mean my real parents.
So, why are you so interested in all this? Mary told my mother she was having an affair with a faculty member, and mom made the mistake of asking her friend Deborah Hauser for advice.
So, when the future health teacher spread the story all over school, they got called into the principal's office.
So, did they nail my mystery dad? Nope.
Mom recanted, said she made the whole thing up.
Why? 'Cause Mary begged her not to tell.
She didn't want the story being confirmed.
So she wanted to protect the teacher? Mary was scared and pregnant.
So she decided it would be easier to just dump me at the prom? No, she left you on your father's doorstep.
He was the one who panicked, knowing he couldn't take you to the hospital without drawing suspicion.
The dance was perfect.
Everyone would assume the baby belonged to a student.
So, what happened to my real dad? You said he was a teacher, right? Even better.
Raise academic achievement scores.
Hey, pops.
Hope I'm interrupting.
Trina, glad to see you're feeling better.
I'd heard that you were at death's door? And when exactly were you planning to hook me up with a little bone marrow? Perhaps we should take this outside.
Oh, come on, dad.
It's the least you can do for your daughter after dumping me in the john on prom night.
Hey.
You grab dinner yet? Funny you should ask.
I'm not actually that hungry.
I was scrounging through the old fridge for a little study snack.
And I'm not normally a corn dog type of girl But this is gonna put me off them forever.
Are you keeping a dead rat in our freezer or do we have a slam- dunk lawsuit against the processed-food industry? I found it on the bus.
You checked out the bus and didn't tell me? It was duct-taped under one of the back seats.
It was a message for me.
I'm the rat.
I don't know, maybe.
Maybe it was someone else on the bus.
You were right, Veronica.
I should've won that election.
I should've taken over this case.
You sly, old dog.
Your sentence is up, Veronica, unless you're here to atone for something I don't yet know about.
Deducing I had a key to your office now, that was clever.
Obviously you had to find a way to stick me in detention.
That way you could be sure I'd find my way into my mom's permanent file.
What are you going on about? You read Machiavelli this summer, didn't you.
Ooh, nice.
Not taking credit for it? Even more badass.
That's a very imaginative theory, Veronica.
But if you'll excuse me, I've got a lot of paperwork.
Hello? Hello, ms.
Mars? This is the neptune memorial hospital again regarding abel koontz's belongings.
How sobering is it that the sum of a person's life fits into a cardboard box? Since I've made it past security already, there's one thing I want to check Meg's room, unguarded.