Vexed s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
It's one month's rent in advance, one month's deposit.
Just watch the step.
Nice view of the garden.
I like the cooker.
Underfloor heating.
Nice.
It's a great flat.
Isn't it just a tiny bit sick? Look at all this natural light.
I know, it's fabulous.
One door closes, another door opens.
You see her signing a new lease? I don't think so.
It's such a great fireplace.
Yeah, I'm loving that too.
It's gorgeous.
Oh.
Hey, Naz.
Meet my new partner.
Naz Omar, DI Kate Bishop.
Kate's just transferred from Bristol.
Hello.
Hi.
So, erm, what's the verdict? If you don't want it, I'm going to need to put an advert in the paper.
HE MOUTHS I guess I'll take it.
Great.
What do you want to do about the carpet? Oh, erm What you want to do is, you want to soak it in cold, salty water Cold water? Yeah, it's got to be cold.
You know.
It might be too dry.
D'you think? I could just put the sofa over it.
Where are you going to put the TV? The TV will go over here.
You can't put your TV there.
Look at your sight lines.
You put the TV there.
And you put your sofa CLEARS THROA .
.
here.
How's that? Oh, yeah.
Now that's what I call Feng Shui.
The Atkins Diet.
The South Beach Diet.
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
Love Actually.
Bridget Jones's Diary.
Mamma Mia.
There's everything you need to know about our victim, right here.
He's Just Not That Into You.
The No-Excuses Truth To Understanding Guys.
So? Soshe was single, desperate and probably blubbed herself to sleep every night.
And you can tell all this from looking at her books and DVDs? I'm sure she was very happy.
Are you saying, if a woman eats a bit of chocolate A bit? And drinks a few glasses of wine It's bigger than my head.
It means she is therefore emotionally unstable? I'm surprised she hasn't got a cat.
PHONE RINGS What if it's a relative? Oh, God.
Maybe they'll hang up.
I've got to have a look in the bedroom.
PHONE RINGS Hello? SHE SCREAMS Jesus! Oh, I see you found the cat.
That doesn't actually prove anything.
It proves she has a cat and I was right.
But who's counting? Where are we going? That was a friend of Sally Jacob's on the phone.
She wants to meet us at the office.
So, you married? Yeah.
You? No.
Girlfriend? Define girlfriend.
A woman you have an intimate sexual relationship with.
Intimateno.
Kids? No.
You? Probably.
Donated sperm while I was at college, did my bit for the perpetuation of the species.
Oh.
We're all very grateful.
Easiest 15 quid I ever made.
Hobbies? Not really.
You? No.
Cat? Just checking.
No, no, no, no, not that office, that office.
Have you ever tried the coffee in there? It's terrible.
Haven't been in there since 1992.
Hey, Charlie.
Hi, Jack.
Oh, wow! Hey, Tony.
Hey.
Tony, Kate, Kate, Tony.
Hi, great place.
Thank you very much.
Tony's my old boss from the force.
There isn't anything that this guy doesn't know.
So what's the word on the street, Tone? The word is your new partner's just bagged herself a fantastic flat with underfloor heating and plenty of natural light.
How d'you know that? Voodoo.
Oh, OK.
Wait, you think all black people practice voodoo? No.
You said.
I didn't say anything.
Just messing, babe.
So, anyone ask for me? There's a distraught young lady waiting for you at table four.
Mmm? No worry, I gave her some ice cream.
Ooh, I fancy a smoothie.
Give me a Mango Mash-up, please, Tone.
Coming up.
Erm, give me an Apple Attack, no cinnamon, please, Tone, thanks.
She was so happy.
Sally Jacobs? Are we talking about the same woman here? She couldn't stop smiling.
She was on medication.
Sounds like Prozac.
No.
She finally met somebody.
Ah! But she was miserable before, right? Drinking too much, comfort eating? All the time.
Who did Sally meet? His name's Ben.
I don't know his surname.
Sally met him in a bar.
It was amazing.
They had so much in common.
They liked the same books, music, films.
He loved cats.
The musical? It's like they were made for each other.
Did Sally say what Ben looked like? She said he was very good-looking.
He had blonde hair, blue eyes.
Come on, we're going.
Oh Here you go.
Thank you.
Jack, what's going on? A couple of weeks ago, another woman, Jessica something or other, was beaten to death with a wok.
Do you think it's connected? Jessica's friends said she just met a guy called Richard, er, Richard, er anyway, he had blonde hair and blue eyes.
Let's get over to Jessica's place.
How's your smoothie? Really good.
Yeah? Yeah.
Atkins, South Beach, French Women Don't Get Fat.
Is that true? I'm sure I've seen some fatties waddling around Paris.
Maybe they were Yanks.
He's Just Not That into You.
Mmm.
We got ourselves another comfort eater.
This is still a crime scene, right? Love Actually.
Bridget Jones.
Mamma Mia.
It's all the same stuff as Sally Jacobs.
Miaow! This can't be a coincidence? There's got to be a connection.
How's he finding them? Ah, Honeybee.
The loyalty card.
Sally Jacobs had the same letter.
We should check it out.
What d'you mean you've got plans? I've got a fitting for a suit.
Classic two-button, navy blue beautiful.
We're in the middle of a case? Yeah, and if we solve it today, we'll only have to start another one.
What you think they'll let us chill for the rest of the week? It's almost five anyway.
It's 3.
30.
Exactly.
Where can I drop you? Then we call it a day because he's got a fitting for a new suit.
Can you believe that? He has his suits made to measure? How does he afford that on a police salary? According to him, right, if a woman watches Mamma Mia and so much as looks at a bar of chocolate, it means she's mental.
Well, you hate Mamma Mia.
Yeah, but I don't think liking it constitutes a mental illness.
What about those women that've been to the sing-along version 20 times? Well, I'm not talking about those nutters.
This way Oh, he so fancies himself, it's just that Yeah.
And where does the TV go? Over here, huh? Yeah, that works.
So Do you want to christen the flat? Er We should get something to eat.
I've got to go by eight.
Where are you going? It's a sales conference in Leeds.
I told you about it.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
I've got to go.
The Japanese are over.
It's like Tenko when that lot are here.
Dan Oh, you wanted me to take the promotion and come up here.
No.
We wanted to move up here.
Oh, c'mon.
Don't start.
I'm not starting anything.
I just thought you might want to have sex with me.
Obviously not.
Someone died in here.
Ooh "Someone died".
We better never have sex again.
I'm hungry.
What do you want? Indian? Thai? MEXICAN ACCENT: Mexicanhuh, Fajitas? I quite fancy Thai.
I'm glad you fancy something.
What d'you want? Nothing.
I'm not hungry.
I'll have a green curry and coconut rice.
And PHONE RINGS Oh, it's work.
.
.
Hiya! Yeah, I can spare a minute.
For you, I can spare five.
Honeybee reception, can I help you? It's just this way.
(Blonde hair, blue eyes.
) Oy, oy, blonde hair, blue eyes.
Blonde hair, blue eyes.
You are kidding me!? These guys have got to look at their equal opportunities policy.
It's like the Aryan Nation in this place.
This way.
MAN: Just a minute! Sorry.
The police are here.
Right.
Blonde hair, blue eyes.
Hmmm, hmmm.
Mike Reynolds.
DI Bishop, DI Armstrong.
I hope we're not interrupting anything.
No, no, we just finished.
This is Suzie Miller, our Sales Director.
Hi.
I'll, er, leave you to it.
The figures for the uhm thing.
Er, good work, great numbers.
Please.
Take a seat.
So, what can I do for you? We're investigating the murder of two women Sorry.
.
.
both of whom received iden identical letters from your company.
Well, over 12 million people use a Honeybee card.
I'm sure it's just a coincidence.
Are you? That makes you sound guilty for a start.
What? Where were you on Sunday evening? Me? Am I a suspect? Mmm, unless you've got a watertight alibi.
Otherwise it's not looking so good.
I was at a charity auction for Afghanistan or, er, was it Kurdistan? One of the "stans".
A drought or a flood.
You mean the earthquake in Kazakhstan? Yes, that's it.
I bought a luxury weekend for two at a spa.
Here, check with the organisers.
We will.
Thank you.
If you really think there is a link, I'm happy to get one of my project managers to assist you.
That would be great.
Emma, could you ask Robert to come in, please? Ahem You looking for this? Oh, thank you.
Your loyalty card generates a record of everything you buy, your purchase history.
And from that, we know pretty much everything there is to know about you, from your likes and dislikes, right down to when your periods start.
You might as well have a bar code stamped on your forehead.
So, say a psychopathic killer wanted to identify single, lonely, needy, neurotic, vulnerable, desperate, comfort-eating women? Piece of cake 'provided you have access to the Honeybee database.
' Do you have a Honeybee card? 'He knows you live alone.
'He knows you're lonely.
He knows you're looking for love.
'He knows you're vulnerable and insecure.
'He knows your tastes, hobbies and interests.
'He knows where you live.
'He'd engineer a seemingly chance encounter.
He'd make it seem like you were made for each other.
'You like the same magazine, you like the same music and films.
' I can't believe you like Mama Mia, that's ridiculous.
'He'd gain your trust and affection '.
.
then he'd cave in your skull with a claw hammer.
' SHE SCREAMS Oh, something like that, anyway.
Where were you on Sunday evening? I was at home.
Can anyone confirm that? No.
Where were you on the evening of the 21st of July? I don't know.
Why, do you think I killed these women? Well, you seem very familiar with how it would work.
You asked me.
Give us one good reason we shouldn't suspect you.
I'm a Buddhist.
Give us two good reasons why we shouldn't suspect you.
I'm gay.
You're a gay Buddhist? Yes.
You don't look gay.
Does he look gay to you? What? Let us have a look at your shoes.
What? Do you work out? What is this? The gays at my gym are ripped.
Jack? He's flabby.
Feel it.
You got any piercings? Ow! You're not allowed to do that! Ok, sorry, sorry.
Wow, is that a plane? Ow! Stop touching his nipples! There's nothing there.
OK, let's see you dance, on your feet, sailor.
Stop Get off! OK! I'll prove it! OK.
OK.
His name's Henry.
We're in a committed relationship.
He's a quantity surveyor.
Happy? Can I? Oh, that's very nice.
Sorry, sir, but we had to be, er, had to be absolutely certain.
That's, er, that's a good look on you.
There's something about hand cuffs and a truncheon.
Henry gets horny just passing a police station.
We're going to need the names of everyone who can access the loyalty card database.
Right.
So, is that how you usually interview suspects? Yeah, it worked, didn't it? Tch, tch, tch, tch.
Blonde hair and blue eyes.
Right? Never trust the guy mopping the floor in the background.
Look at him Mr Innocent.
I always feel guilty for not buying Fairtrade coffee.
Me too.
But it's rubbish, isn't it? It's crap.
That's what happens when you pay people a living wage.
I'm being ironic, obviously.
Yeah, I got it.
Well, I guess I'll stick with the Costa Ricans then.
Costa Ricans.
Good people.
What is wrong with you? Costa Ricans Good people? You Thank you.
Do you have a Honeybee card? No.
Do you want an application form? Uh, I think I'll pass, thanks.
Thank you.
Thanks for meeting me so early.
Right, completely, hypothetical situation.
Say you were in a supermarket, you see someone, I don't know perhaps a woman, using a loyalty card, is it possible to find out who they are? The only woman using a Honeybee card in that supermarket at 8.
32 last night was Lauren Roberts.
Did she buy any ground coffee? 250 grammes of Costa Rican Red Mountain Reserve.
Great.
Print up everything you have on her.
This is official police business, right? You think I'm playing games here? This is fun? I'm having a good time.
Two women are dead! Sorry.
Thank you! Jesus! Hmm.
"WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE" RINGTONE Yep No, no, I'm at the dentist.
When was this? Kate? What were you doing? Nothing.
Oh, you don't want to share.
There's nothing to share.
That's fine, fine.
So, er, what's the story? It's just like the others, diets, romantic comedies, comfort eating, there's a big ginger cat somewhere.
Did I say something funny? Sorry.
What? It's nothing.
You're laughing at something.
What is it? It's just that when you said "big ginger" I thought you were going to say "pussy".
Ginger hairginger cat ginger pussy.
I get it.
CAT MIAOWS HE LAUGHS Come on.
Jack? Are you still laughing at that? That's it.
I'm done.
Right, I've got a plan.
Me too.
You first.
What if we set me up with a fake purchase history that matches the victim's? We use a safe house as my address.
Maybe the killer will come after me.
That could work.
What's your plan? Ah, forget about it.
Yours is better.
Great.
Um, obviously if I'm going to be the bait, I want proper surveillance.
Hey, trust me.
I'm a professional.
Is this someone's purchase history? No.
Yes.
Who is Lauren Roberts? You are unbelievable.
Come on.
What's the harm? It's not like I'm going to cave her skull in with a claw hammer.
You call yourself a professional? When did I call myself a professional? Just now.
I was joking.
Oh! OK.
It's unprofessional.
But it was one of those moments, you know, you meet a girl, you know you got to say something.
Get out of my car.
Like, "Do you want to have a drink?" Or "You've got beautiful eyes.
" Well, maybe not that Get out! My mind goes blank.
I say "Costa Rican's Good people.
" I've never even met a Costa Rican.
I'm sure they're great, but you know Coffee.
There was something there.
I think I could really like her.
I just want to see her again, see if I was right.
I'm sorry.
Fine.
Do whatever you want.
I Did you even have a plan? It sounds like you're having fun anyway.
Who is that? Well, it's obviously someone.
I'm not being arsey OK, fine.
OK, bye, call me, tomo Your husband? Hmm, he's, er, away at a conference.
Oh, is he? Linguine al basilico e pomodori secchi.
Erm, I haven't ordered yet.
I'm sorry.
What was it that you wanted? Erm, er, I'll have thelinguine.
Bon appetit.
THEY LAUGH OK.
Your purchase history matches the victims.
You're a single, lonely, needy, neurotic, vulnerable, insecure, desperate, comfort-eating woman.
Thank you.
Is there something else? Yes, I need you to check someone's purchase history.
His name's Dan Bishop.
Postcode? BS12 3CP.
Here we go.
What do you want to know? Has he bought anything this week? Yesterday.
Erm, two Danish pastries, pain au chocolat, a ham and cheese sandwich, four onion bhajis, a king-size Twix, 12 roses, a DKNY "Be Delicious" perfume.
Was that roses and perfume? Sorry, Bishop.
Isn't that your surname? Yeah.
He's my husband.
Go on.
Agent Provocateur "Fifi" lingerie set.
A pack of 12 Pleasure Max condoms.
Erm, a steak and kidney pie and a lemon meringue pudding.
I'm sorry.
One coffee.
Thank you.
Hi?! Sorry, we met in the supermarket, er, coffee.
Oh, yes, sorry.
Hi, how are you? Good.
Er, I was just passing.
I saw you sitting here.
I live next door.
Wow, you live here? Yeah.
Oh? Oh, my God.
That is the weirdest coincidence.
What? I just bought that book yesterday.
You like Rushdie? Yeah.
I'm sorry, would you like to join me? I'd love to, thank you.
Great.
Great, can I get you a drink? Well, thanks for walking me home.
Hey, no trouble.
Really, no trouble! Does this feel weird to you? Good weird Great weird.
You know us, us liking the same things and I sound like a nutter.
Definitely great weird.
So I'll, er, I'll see you for lunch on Friday? I'll look forward to it.
Bye.
Bye.
Oh, and I forgot to tell you you're right.
Costa Ricans good people.
HE LAUGHS What can I say? Beautiful women make me nervous.
Nice recovery.
I thought so too.
Bye.
Bye.
MUSIC: "Bad Moon Rising" by Creedence Clearwater Revival I see trouble on the way 'Hi, this is Dan Bishop.
Leave your number and I'll call you straight back.
' Kate, morning, it's Jack.
I'll meet you at the safe house in 20 minutes.
Bye, kitty.
I love you.
Nice touch.
So, want to do a sound check? How was your date? Oh, it was great.
It's true what they say, a little information goes a long way.
It's almost too easy.
Lying and cheating often is.
You're coming through loud and clear.
Let's do the park first and then the bar.
Aha.
MUSIC: "Heart Of Glass" by Blondie 'Ten more minutes and I'm leaving.
' You should have a Mojito.
I don't want a Mojito, I want to go home.
'Come on.
A dash of rum, mint 'give you a little zing.
' Miss, you see that lady over there.
The angry looking one.
'Can you, can you get her a Mojito?' BUZZING Ow! Jesus, mother Sorry, perforated eardrum.
Diving accident, saving a baby dolphin, from a fishing net.
OK, you don't want a Mojito.
I'll get you something else.
How about an Appletease? I'm leaving.
Alabama Slammer.
You're an idiot! 'Snap.
' 'I just bought the paperback' Today.
Wow! Sarah Jessica Parker's one of the truly significant women of our generation.
'Ooh, this guy is warped.
' It's so cruel how some people say she looks like a horse.
'Does she look like a horse to you?' Oh, no, not really.
'Imagine her with a saddle on.
' I guess some people are just really ignorant.
HE NEIGHS Would you like a drink? Yeah, why not.
Cosmopolitan? Of course, thank you.
Cheers.
OK, if you're so good at reading people, what about me? Let me see.
I'd say you're kind, gentle HE LAUGHS I bet you're a cat person.
How did you know? 'You can tell.
'I just got a kitten.
'It's a tiny little thing.
' So cute.
What's yours called? Keith.
Keith? 'Keith?' 'Yeah, I named him after my granddad.
' Your granddad's called Keith? What? Oh, sorry.
I just suddenly struck me how beautiful you are.
This guy's so full That's all we have on file for Oliver Young.
Hmm.
OK There you go.
Right, a couple of speeding tickets.
That's it.
The Yorkshire Ripper was done for speeding.
I don't think he's our guy.
He was using his real name.
He was nice.
Oh, yeah he's lovely, super, really great guy, right up until he smashes you in the head and your brains dribble all over your face.
There is something else.
He works for Draker Associates.
They're the I Consultants for Honeybee.
Which means he had access to the loyalty card database.
So much for Mr Nice.
That's our guy.
Is that a fashion statement or do you think she's having chemo? Do people with cancer jog? It can't be good for their knees.
Shin splints are a nightmare.
Aqua aerobics, that's what they should do, it's low impact.
If you went bald, would you wear a wig? Hmm? Sorry.
Am I disturbing you? I'm trying to get some rapport going here, you know I talk, you talk ba-bing, ba-bong.
Mmm? You, it's all ba-bing and no ba-bong.
I need something to come back at.
I'm ying, you're yang.
That's how it works.
I need some ba-bong.
Give me some ba-bong! My husband's having an affair.
Ba-bong.
How do you know he's having an affair? He made up some conference he's supposed to be at now.
He's not returning my calls.
What, that's your evidence? He bought some things.
Things? What kind of things? Roses, perfume A present for his mum.
An Agent Provocateur "Fifi" lingerie set.
A present for his sister? It's a little weird.
A pack of 12 Pleasure Max condoms.
A present for a painfully shy younger brother? He hasn't got a brother.
I'm sorry.
Hang on, how d'you know all this? You checked his purchase history, didn't you? I wasn't doing it to pull pull some bit of skirt I met in a supermarket.
Call yourself professional.
Call yourself professional! Shut up! It's completely different.
Of course it is.
It's you.
He's my husband.
What? Run out of ba-bing? I can't have a go at you, can I? Your marriage is over.
I'm sure you'll work it out.
He better not be going far, I've got a lunch date.
Oh, yeah.
OK.
It's OK.
I already paid.
What you paid for lunch, while I was in the toilet? Hmm-mm.
Well, I'm sorry.
It'sit's just never happened to me before.
I hate these women who magically lose their purse when it's time to pay for something.
Me too.
Hey, Tone.
Sorry, Jack.
We just received some information about Oliver Young.
You need to see it.
Naz, Lauren.
Lauren, Naz.
Hi.
Are you sure this is right? I've double checked it.
Sorry.
I've just got to make a call.
Go ahead.
I'm going to watch the football.
You like football? Who are you? MOBILE RINGS Hey, Kate.
It's Jack.
I just got some information about Oliver Young.
Give me a call when you get this.
Oh, what?! Need any help? Oliver? I was, er, driving past and I saw you.
So you live here? I thought you said your place was down by the river? I moved.
Let me give you a hand.
Oh.
It's fine.
No, no, don't be silly.
Honestly.
I've got it.
It's heavy, that's it.
OK.
In you go.
OK.
So, where's it going to be? Er, on the chest.
Well, it's a lovely flat.
Thank you.
I've got to get the rest of my things.
I'll tell you what.
You make me a cup of tea and I'll give you a hand.
Oh, no, it's there's hardly anything.
Well, it's even less with two of us doing it.
I insist.
Where's Keith? Who? Keithyour cat? Keith the cat.
He's dead.
He got run over by a car.
Oh, I'm so sor Tea? Yeah.
Well, I'm sure you didn't say you were moving.
Didn't I? Oh.
That's weird.
No.
I would've remembered.
Oh, well, yeah, I was most probably trying not to think about it.
You know .
.
all that packing, unpacking.
So do you, ercome round this area often? My gym is just down the road.
Oh? I had a really great time last night.
I've thought about you a lot.
Do you always have that affect on men? Not usually.
Oh, I think you do.
You're being modest.
You're beautiful.
Didn't you get my message? The night Sally Jacobs was murdered, Oliver Young was on a water sports holiday in Tahiti.
It's just a coincidence.
He really has just bought a kitten.
Oliver, ermthere's been a dreadful misunderstanding.
I only wanted a kiss, you mad bitch.
I'm very sorry.
I'm glad your cat's dead! Keith.
Oh It's a New Zealand Pinot Noir.
I hope that's OK? It's my favourite wine.
Oh? It's a lovely flat.
JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY How do you afford it on a police salary? I'm not really sure myself.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Mmm.
There's something I need to tell youwant to tell you.
Yeah? Er, when we met, at the supermarket, it wasn't exactly an accident.
What do you mean? Well, I saw you earlier at the deli counter.
You were buying some Camembert and you smiled at the shop assistant.
Oh, yeah, she made that xenophobic remark about the French.
I'm not one of those freaks who talks to random strangers.
I hate those people, their inane conversation.
It's just that it's it's, it's really difficult to meet anyoneanyone nice.
And I just thought I'm glad you did.
Well, I just wanted to be honest.
So you don't think I'm stalker? HE LAUGHS No.
There's something else.
What? I only buy serious literature because I think I should.
I've never finished any of Rushdie's books.
Me neither.
He freaks me out with his weird, squinty eyes.
That ridiculous beard.
They should've let the Iranians have him.
One more thing.
I don't usually buy fresh coffee.
We can work on that.
DOORBELL RINGS I think this could be really special.
Me too.
DOORBELL RINGS Ignore it.
DOORBELL RINGS DOORBELL RINGS URGENTLY All right! What? I just found this shampoo in my bathroom.
Is that a joke? It's not mine.
So, it must have belonged to Sally Jacobs.
It's from the Framlin Hotel.
I had them check the register.
She stayed there the night before she was murdered.
But, the card used to pay for the room, was Mike Reynolds'.
Who? The Chief Executive of Honeybee.
He's our guy.
Great.
Fantastic.
We'll pick him up tomorrow.
What? What do you mean tomorrow? It's Friday night.
He's probably out with his mates.
I checked.
He's still at the office.
He's working late.
Good for him.
Jack? Oh.
You stay and enjoy yourself.
I'll pick him up myself.
Yeah, I worked out what your problem is.
My problem? You hate other people having a good time.
What? Other people enjoying themselves, it cuts you up, doesn't it? That is the most.
Oh I'm not even responding to that.
I don't hate people enjoying themselves, actually.
You can't stand it.
Oh, you are just unbelievable.
You think you're an expert on people? You know nothing.
You know less than nothing.
JACK ARGUES You are the least professional, most incompetent, laziest You can't even get a girlfriend without deceiving her.
You think about that, stalker boy.
Stalker boy? Stalker boy! Joy hater.
That's not even a term.
Yeah, you know why, I made it up, especially for you, joy hater.
All right, that is it.
I can't work with you.
I quit.
Suits me.
Great, well, let's just get this done.
Then we never have to speak to each other.
Fine.
Good.
Great.
Idiot.
Mr Reynolds isn't answering his phone.
He may have just slipped out of his office.
I know he's in, though.
Thank you.
You stay down here, I'll check upstairs.
Hey! Why don't I check upstairs and you stay down here? You're just arguing for sake of it.
Am I? Fine.
Whatever.
JACK GROANS Ow Ow Ow, Christ.
Oh! It was the cleaner, wasn't it? I bloody knew it.
Mopping away.
Butter wouldn't melt.
It's always the guy mopping the floor in the background.
God, this is when you wish you were freakishly double-jointed.
HE STRAINS It wasn't the guy mopping the floor in the background? You killed those women? Well, that's pretty bloody obvious, isn't it? OK, let me re-phrase the question.
Why do you kill those women? Because I found out he was picking them up in bars, taking them to hotels.
You said you love me.
Oh SPLASHING I'm sorry.
They were so pathetic.
So grateful.
Thought they'd found the man of their dreams.
I was doing them a favour.
Hey! Woah, woah, woah, hold the phone, what have I done? You're all the samemen.
You lie, and you cheat, and you never want to talk on the phone.
That's because we'd rather talk to you face to face.
Liar! OK, OK, OK! OK, we don't have the same endless capacity for mundane conversation about every little thing.
HE SPITS Jesus! Look, you still love him, right? You do this, huh, what then? Oh, no, no, no, you see I'm coming with you.
What? Yes.
That way, we can be together Ah, Jesus.
.
.
for ever! You don't want me there.
Huh? I'll just get in the way.
Three's a crowd.
Oh, no, no, no - you don't want to do that.
You don't want to do that, don't do that! See you on the other side.
Wait, wait, wait! What if there is no other side? What if the whole idea of an afterlife is an artificial construct designed to control and manipulate the masses, encouraging them to accept religious doctrine in return for some imaginary reward after death, huh? Now you think about that, just think about it.
Well, I guess we'll find out, won't we? Argh! HE BLOWS Oh! Oh! Oh, ah It's diesel.
Oh, it's diesel! SHE WHIMPERS Light as many matches as you want, babe.
Diesel doesn't ignite on contact with naked flames.
You think you can rewrite the laws of chemistry? Good luck.
Did you know she was insane when you first started going out with her? How do they do that? What are you doing? Just shut up! I'm going to cave your skull in! Trust me.
I know how you feel.
You took your time.
Oh, you're welcome.
I'm not saying I couldn't have talked my way out of it.
Oh, that's what you were doing? Right.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA Anyway, thanks.
Well, I suppose this is goodbye.
Yep, some things, er, just aren't meant to be.
Not enough ba-bong.
Little too much ba-bing.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Lauren? Nice bedding.
400-thread Egyptian cotton.
Well, are you coming in or what? 'Hi, this is Dan Bishop, leave your number and I'll call you straight back.
' It's me again, can you call me when you get this? It's important, so Just call me.
Hey, how d'you like your eggs? Scrambled, poached, unfertilised? Oh, please.
Come on.
It's a classic postcoital gag.
SHE LAUGHS OK, funny guy, where do you keep your cutlery? In the drawer just down there.
What do you fancy doing this afternoon? We could go to the zoo.
Laugh at the monkeys.
What is this? Oh? You've got a file on me? Where did you get this? Lauren, this isn't as bad as it looks.
OK, OK, it is pretty bad.
Look, this doesn't change anything.
Please, Lauren, Lauren.
I'm sorry, OK.
Don't go.
Great! Kate? Hiya.
Is there any food in the fridge? I'm starving.
Ooh, can I have this Scotch egg? What? Do you want some? I know.
You know? Don't make me say it.
Say what? Are you OK? Do not touch me.
What is up with you? Dan, I know.
What? I have no idea what you're talking about.
What did I do now? Did I forget to do the washing up? Jesus, what are you doing?! Who is she? What? Who is she? Who? You're insane! Ow! Jesus! You broke my knee! Ow! I know about the roses, and the perfume, and the "Fifi" lingerie.
What?! I know about the pack of 12 Pleasure Max condoms.
Since when could you do it 12 times a night, hmm? That just for her? You're Mr "12 times a night" for her?! Ow! All that sex must have made you a bit peckish, did it? How about a nice steak and kidney pie, mmm? And a lemon meringue.
What? I hope you really enjoyed it.
What're you talking about?! I know everything.
What's this? Oh! What it's not Who is she? It was Ryan! He was buying stuff for his wife's birthday.
It was on your loyalty card! He doesn't have one.
I was with him.
I used my card to get the points.
I'm saving up for a Porsche track day.
Argh! Ask Ryan.
Ask him.
I'm not cheating on you! Oh! Dan Get me an ambulance! OK.
HE WAILS A rolling pin.
Ouch.
Cheers.
Hey, how is he? Well, you fractured both his kneecaps.
So they're going to keep him in overnight.
Right Did he say anything? He says he's not going to press charges.
And that he'she's going to go and spend some time with a friend.
So you get the house.
Result, huh, huh? I just Oh, God I can't believe this.
Oh Justjust give him a chance to calm down Yep.
.
.
and, er, you know for his, for his knees to heal.
Yeah.
He got the hang of the wheelchair OK.
Did he? Yeah, yeah.
GLASS BREAKS, CHEERING So did you speak to Lauren? She won't listen to a word I've got to say.
Oh? I really liked her.
Yeah.
You like Lauren so much, you're already looking at other women's arses.
That? That's a reflex.
That's nothing.
Unbelievable.
A woman bends over, you check her out.
All men do.
Not all men do it.
Well, how would you know? You're bent over.
What, you don't check out your own arse when you're buying new clothes.
Who's that for? Not you.
See, you're doing it again! She keeps bending over! You're no better than a baboon.
A woman bends over, I look at her.
That makes me a baboon? Aha.
You're a baboon.
Have you got a problem with baboons? Look you missed one, she's doing it again.
You know what you are, you're baboonist.
Am I? Yes.
Oh, my God, that's terrible.
There's a body in here.
Ah! I think that was his head.
Did you see where that came from? Are you insane?! You think I was hanging around to take a look? Youtakeincompetent to an entirely new level.
Just watch the step.
Nice view of the garden.
I like the cooker.
Underfloor heating.
Nice.
It's a great flat.
Isn't it just a tiny bit sick? Look at all this natural light.
I know, it's fabulous.
One door closes, another door opens.
You see her signing a new lease? I don't think so.
It's such a great fireplace.
Yeah, I'm loving that too.
It's gorgeous.
Oh.
Hey, Naz.
Meet my new partner.
Naz Omar, DI Kate Bishop.
Kate's just transferred from Bristol.
Hello.
Hi.
So, erm, what's the verdict? If you don't want it, I'm going to need to put an advert in the paper.
HE MOUTHS I guess I'll take it.
Great.
What do you want to do about the carpet? Oh, erm What you want to do is, you want to soak it in cold, salty water Cold water? Yeah, it's got to be cold.
You know.
It might be too dry.
D'you think? I could just put the sofa over it.
Where are you going to put the TV? The TV will go over here.
You can't put your TV there.
Look at your sight lines.
You put the TV there.
And you put your sofa CLEARS THROA .
.
here.
How's that? Oh, yeah.
Now that's what I call Feng Shui.
The Atkins Diet.
The South Beach Diet.
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
Love Actually.
Bridget Jones's Diary.
Mamma Mia.
There's everything you need to know about our victim, right here.
He's Just Not That Into You.
The No-Excuses Truth To Understanding Guys.
So? Soshe was single, desperate and probably blubbed herself to sleep every night.
And you can tell all this from looking at her books and DVDs? I'm sure she was very happy.
Are you saying, if a woman eats a bit of chocolate A bit? And drinks a few glasses of wine It's bigger than my head.
It means she is therefore emotionally unstable? I'm surprised she hasn't got a cat.
PHONE RINGS What if it's a relative? Oh, God.
Maybe they'll hang up.
I've got to have a look in the bedroom.
PHONE RINGS Hello? SHE SCREAMS Jesus! Oh, I see you found the cat.
That doesn't actually prove anything.
It proves she has a cat and I was right.
But who's counting? Where are we going? That was a friend of Sally Jacob's on the phone.
She wants to meet us at the office.
So, you married? Yeah.
You? No.
Girlfriend? Define girlfriend.
A woman you have an intimate sexual relationship with.
Intimateno.
Kids? No.
You? Probably.
Donated sperm while I was at college, did my bit for the perpetuation of the species.
Oh.
We're all very grateful.
Easiest 15 quid I ever made.
Hobbies? Not really.
You? No.
Cat? Just checking.
No, no, no, no, not that office, that office.
Have you ever tried the coffee in there? It's terrible.
Haven't been in there since 1992.
Hey, Charlie.
Hi, Jack.
Oh, wow! Hey, Tony.
Hey.
Tony, Kate, Kate, Tony.
Hi, great place.
Thank you very much.
Tony's my old boss from the force.
There isn't anything that this guy doesn't know.
So what's the word on the street, Tone? The word is your new partner's just bagged herself a fantastic flat with underfloor heating and plenty of natural light.
How d'you know that? Voodoo.
Oh, OK.
Wait, you think all black people practice voodoo? No.
You said.
I didn't say anything.
Just messing, babe.
So, anyone ask for me? There's a distraught young lady waiting for you at table four.
Mmm? No worry, I gave her some ice cream.
Ooh, I fancy a smoothie.
Give me a Mango Mash-up, please, Tone.
Coming up.
Erm, give me an Apple Attack, no cinnamon, please, Tone, thanks.
She was so happy.
Sally Jacobs? Are we talking about the same woman here? She couldn't stop smiling.
She was on medication.
Sounds like Prozac.
No.
She finally met somebody.
Ah! But she was miserable before, right? Drinking too much, comfort eating? All the time.
Who did Sally meet? His name's Ben.
I don't know his surname.
Sally met him in a bar.
It was amazing.
They had so much in common.
They liked the same books, music, films.
He loved cats.
The musical? It's like they were made for each other.
Did Sally say what Ben looked like? She said he was very good-looking.
He had blonde hair, blue eyes.
Come on, we're going.
Oh Here you go.
Thank you.
Jack, what's going on? A couple of weeks ago, another woman, Jessica something or other, was beaten to death with a wok.
Do you think it's connected? Jessica's friends said she just met a guy called Richard, er, Richard, er anyway, he had blonde hair and blue eyes.
Let's get over to Jessica's place.
How's your smoothie? Really good.
Yeah? Yeah.
Atkins, South Beach, French Women Don't Get Fat.
Is that true? I'm sure I've seen some fatties waddling around Paris.
Maybe they were Yanks.
He's Just Not That into You.
Mmm.
We got ourselves another comfort eater.
This is still a crime scene, right? Love Actually.
Bridget Jones.
Mamma Mia.
It's all the same stuff as Sally Jacobs.
Miaow! This can't be a coincidence? There's got to be a connection.
How's he finding them? Ah, Honeybee.
The loyalty card.
Sally Jacobs had the same letter.
We should check it out.
What d'you mean you've got plans? I've got a fitting for a suit.
Classic two-button, navy blue beautiful.
We're in the middle of a case? Yeah, and if we solve it today, we'll only have to start another one.
What you think they'll let us chill for the rest of the week? It's almost five anyway.
It's 3.
30.
Exactly.
Where can I drop you? Then we call it a day because he's got a fitting for a new suit.
Can you believe that? He has his suits made to measure? How does he afford that on a police salary? According to him, right, if a woman watches Mamma Mia and so much as looks at a bar of chocolate, it means she's mental.
Well, you hate Mamma Mia.
Yeah, but I don't think liking it constitutes a mental illness.
What about those women that've been to the sing-along version 20 times? Well, I'm not talking about those nutters.
This way Oh, he so fancies himself, it's just that Yeah.
And where does the TV go? Over here, huh? Yeah, that works.
So Do you want to christen the flat? Er We should get something to eat.
I've got to go by eight.
Where are you going? It's a sales conference in Leeds.
I told you about it.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
I've got to go.
The Japanese are over.
It's like Tenko when that lot are here.
Dan Oh, you wanted me to take the promotion and come up here.
No.
We wanted to move up here.
Oh, c'mon.
Don't start.
I'm not starting anything.
I just thought you might want to have sex with me.
Obviously not.
Someone died in here.
Ooh "Someone died".
We better never have sex again.
I'm hungry.
What do you want? Indian? Thai? MEXICAN ACCENT: Mexicanhuh, Fajitas? I quite fancy Thai.
I'm glad you fancy something.
What d'you want? Nothing.
I'm not hungry.
I'll have a green curry and coconut rice.
And PHONE RINGS Oh, it's work.
.
.
Hiya! Yeah, I can spare a minute.
For you, I can spare five.
Honeybee reception, can I help you? It's just this way.
(Blonde hair, blue eyes.
) Oy, oy, blonde hair, blue eyes.
Blonde hair, blue eyes.
You are kidding me!? These guys have got to look at their equal opportunities policy.
It's like the Aryan Nation in this place.
This way.
MAN: Just a minute! Sorry.
The police are here.
Right.
Blonde hair, blue eyes.
Hmmm, hmmm.
Mike Reynolds.
DI Bishop, DI Armstrong.
I hope we're not interrupting anything.
No, no, we just finished.
This is Suzie Miller, our Sales Director.
Hi.
I'll, er, leave you to it.
The figures for the uhm thing.
Er, good work, great numbers.
Please.
Take a seat.
So, what can I do for you? We're investigating the murder of two women Sorry.
.
.
both of whom received iden identical letters from your company.
Well, over 12 million people use a Honeybee card.
I'm sure it's just a coincidence.
Are you? That makes you sound guilty for a start.
What? Where were you on Sunday evening? Me? Am I a suspect? Mmm, unless you've got a watertight alibi.
Otherwise it's not looking so good.
I was at a charity auction for Afghanistan or, er, was it Kurdistan? One of the "stans".
A drought or a flood.
You mean the earthquake in Kazakhstan? Yes, that's it.
I bought a luxury weekend for two at a spa.
Here, check with the organisers.
We will.
Thank you.
If you really think there is a link, I'm happy to get one of my project managers to assist you.
That would be great.
Emma, could you ask Robert to come in, please? Ahem You looking for this? Oh, thank you.
Your loyalty card generates a record of everything you buy, your purchase history.
And from that, we know pretty much everything there is to know about you, from your likes and dislikes, right down to when your periods start.
You might as well have a bar code stamped on your forehead.
So, say a psychopathic killer wanted to identify single, lonely, needy, neurotic, vulnerable, desperate, comfort-eating women? Piece of cake 'provided you have access to the Honeybee database.
' Do you have a Honeybee card? 'He knows you live alone.
'He knows you're lonely.
He knows you're looking for love.
'He knows you're vulnerable and insecure.
'He knows your tastes, hobbies and interests.
'He knows where you live.
'He'd engineer a seemingly chance encounter.
He'd make it seem like you were made for each other.
'You like the same magazine, you like the same music and films.
' I can't believe you like Mama Mia, that's ridiculous.
'He'd gain your trust and affection '.
.
then he'd cave in your skull with a claw hammer.
' SHE SCREAMS Oh, something like that, anyway.
Where were you on Sunday evening? I was at home.
Can anyone confirm that? No.
Where were you on the evening of the 21st of July? I don't know.
Why, do you think I killed these women? Well, you seem very familiar with how it would work.
You asked me.
Give us one good reason we shouldn't suspect you.
I'm a Buddhist.
Give us two good reasons why we shouldn't suspect you.
I'm gay.
You're a gay Buddhist? Yes.
You don't look gay.
Does he look gay to you? What? Let us have a look at your shoes.
What? Do you work out? What is this? The gays at my gym are ripped.
Jack? He's flabby.
Feel it.
You got any piercings? Ow! You're not allowed to do that! Ok, sorry, sorry.
Wow, is that a plane? Ow! Stop touching his nipples! There's nothing there.
OK, let's see you dance, on your feet, sailor.
Stop Get off! OK! I'll prove it! OK.
OK.
His name's Henry.
We're in a committed relationship.
He's a quantity surveyor.
Happy? Can I? Oh, that's very nice.
Sorry, sir, but we had to be, er, had to be absolutely certain.
That's, er, that's a good look on you.
There's something about hand cuffs and a truncheon.
Henry gets horny just passing a police station.
We're going to need the names of everyone who can access the loyalty card database.
Right.
So, is that how you usually interview suspects? Yeah, it worked, didn't it? Tch, tch, tch, tch.
Blonde hair and blue eyes.
Right? Never trust the guy mopping the floor in the background.
Look at him Mr Innocent.
I always feel guilty for not buying Fairtrade coffee.
Me too.
But it's rubbish, isn't it? It's crap.
That's what happens when you pay people a living wage.
I'm being ironic, obviously.
Yeah, I got it.
Well, I guess I'll stick with the Costa Ricans then.
Costa Ricans.
Good people.
What is wrong with you? Costa Ricans Good people? You Thank you.
Do you have a Honeybee card? No.
Do you want an application form? Uh, I think I'll pass, thanks.
Thank you.
Thanks for meeting me so early.
Right, completely, hypothetical situation.
Say you were in a supermarket, you see someone, I don't know perhaps a woman, using a loyalty card, is it possible to find out who they are? The only woman using a Honeybee card in that supermarket at 8.
32 last night was Lauren Roberts.
Did she buy any ground coffee? 250 grammes of Costa Rican Red Mountain Reserve.
Great.
Print up everything you have on her.
This is official police business, right? You think I'm playing games here? This is fun? I'm having a good time.
Two women are dead! Sorry.
Thank you! Jesus! Hmm.
"WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE" RINGTONE Yep No, no, I'm at the dentist.
When was this? Kate? What were you doing? Nothing.
Oh, you don't want to share.
There's nothing to share.
That's fine, fine.
So, er, what's the story? It's just like the others, diets, romantic comedies, comfort eating, there's a big ginger cat somewhere.
Did I say something funny? Sorry.
What? It's nothing.
You're laughing at something.
What is it? It's just that when you said "big ginger" I thought you were going to say "pussy".
Ginger hairginger cat ginger pussy.
I get it.
CAT MIAOWS HE LAUGHS Come on.
Jack? Are you still laughing at that? That's it.
I'm done.
Right, I've got a plan.
Me too.
You first.
What if we set me up with a fake purchase history that matches the victim's? We use a safe house as my address.
Maybe the killer will come after me.
That could work.
What's your plan? Ah, forget about it.
Yours is better.
Great.
Um, obviously if I'm going to be the bait, I want proper surveillance.
Hey, trust me.
I'm a professional.
Is this someone's purchase history? No.
Yes.
Who is Lauren Roberts? You are unbelievable.
Come on.
What's the harm? It's not like I'm going to cave her skull in with a claw hammer.
You call yourself a professional? When did I call myself a professional? Just now.
I was joking.
Oh! OK.
It's unprofessional.
But it was one of those moments, you know, you meet a girl, you know you got to say something.
Get out of my car.
Like, "Do you want to have a drink?" Or "You've got beautiful eyes.
" Well, maybe not that Get out! My mind goes blank.
I say "Costa Rican's Good people.
" I've never even met a Costa Rican.
I'm sure they're great, but you know Coffee.
There was something there.
I think I could really like her.
I just want to see her again, see if I was right.
I'm sorry.
Fine.
Do whatever you want.
I Did you even have a plan? It sounds like you're having fun anyway.
Who is that? Well, it's obviously someone.
I'm not being arsey OK, fine.
OK, bye, call me, tomo Your husband? Hmm, he's, er, away at a conference.
Oh, is he? Linguine al basilico e pomodori secchi.
Erm, I haven't ordered yet.
I'm sorry.
What was it that you wanted? Erm, er, I'll have thelinguine.
Bon appetit.
THEY LAUGH OK.
Your purchase history matches the victims.
You're a single, lonely, needy, neurotic, vulnerable, insecure, desperate, comfort-eating woman.
Thank you.
Is there something else? Yes, I need you to check someone's purchase history.
His name's Dan Bishop.
Postcode? BS12 3CP.
Here we go.
What do you want to know? Has he bought anything this week? Yesterday.
Erm, two Danish pastries, pain au chocolat, a ham and cheese sandwich, four onion bhajis, a king-size Twix, 12 roses, a DKNY "Be Delicious" perfume.
Was that roses and perfume? Sorry, Bishop.
Isn't that your surname? Yeah.
He's my husband.
Go on.
Agent Provocateur "Fifi" lingerie set.
A pack of 12 Pleasure Max condoms.
Erm, a steak and kidney pie and a lemon meringue pudding.
I'm sorry.
One coffee.
Thank you.
Hi?! Sorry, we met in the supermarket, er, coffee.
Oh, yes, sorry.
Hi, how are you? Good.
Er, I was just passing.
I saw you sitting here.
I live next door.
Wow, you live here? Yeah.
Oh? Oh, my God.
That is the weirdest coincidence.
What? I just bought that book yesterday.
You like Rushdie? Yeah.
I'm sorry, would you like to join me? I'd love to, thank you.
Great.
Great, can I get you a drink? Well, thanks for walking me home.
Hey, no trouble.
Really, no trouble! Does this feel weird to you? Good weird Great weird.
You know us, us liking the same things and I sound like a nutter.
Definitely great weird.
So I'll, er, I'll see you for lunch on Friday? I'll look forward to it.
Bye.
Bye.
Oh, and I forgot to tell you you're right.
Costa Ricans good people.
HE LAUGHS What can I say? Beautiful women make me nervous.
Nice recovery.
I thought so too.
Bye.
Bye.
MUSIC: "Bad Moon Rising" by Creedence Clearwater Revival I see trouble on the way 'Hi, this is Dan Bishop.
Leave your number and I'll call you straight back.
' Kate, morning, it's Jack.
I'll meet you at the safe house in 20 minutes.
Bye, kitty.
I love you.
Nice touch.
So, want to do a sound check? How was your date? Oh, it was great.
It's true what they say, a little information goes a long way.
It's almost too easy.
Lying and cheating often is.
You're coming through loud and clear.
Let's do the park first and then the bar.
Aha.
MUSIC: "Heart Of Glass" by Blondie 'Ten more minutes and I'm leaving.
' You should have a Mojito.
I don't want a Mojito, I want to go home.
'Come on.
A dash of rum, mint 'give you a little zing.
' Miss, you see that lady over there.
The angry looking one.
'Can you, can you get her a Mojito?' BUZZING Ow! Jesus, mother Sorry, perforated eardrum.
Diving accident, saving a baby dolphin, from a fishing net.
OK, you don't want a Mojito.
I'll get you something else.
How about an Appletease? I'm leaving.
Alabama Slammer.
You're an idiot! 'Snap.
' 'I just bought the paperback' Today.
Wow! Sarah Jessica Parker's one of the truly significant women of our generation.
'Ooh, this guy is warped.
' It's so cruel how some people say she looks like a horse.
'Does she look like a horse to you?' Oh, no, not really.
'Imagine her with a saddle on.
' I guess some people are just really ignorant.
HE NEIGHS Would you like a drink? Yeah, why not.
Cosmopolitan? Of course, thank you.
Cheers.
OK, if you're so good at reading people, what about me? Let me see.
I'd say you're kind, gentle HE LAUGHS I bet you're a cat person.
How did you know? 'You can tell.
'I just got a kitten.
'It's a tiny little thing.
' So cute.
What's yours called? Keith.
Keith? 'Keith?' 'Yeah, I named him after my granddad.
' Your granddad's called Keith? What? Oh, sorry.
I just suddenly struck me how beautiful you are.
This guy's so full That's all we have on file for Oliver Young.
Hmm.
OK There you go.
Right, a couple of speeding tickets.
That's it.
The Yorkshire Ripper was done for speeding.
I don't think he's our guy.
He was using his real name.
He was nice.
Oh, yeah he's lovely, super, really great guy, right up until he smashes you in the head and your brains dribble all over your face.
There is something else.
He works for Draker Associates.
They're the I Consultants for Honeybee.
Which means he had access to the loyalty card database.
So much for Mr Nice.
That's our guy.
Is that a fashion statement or do you think she's having chemo? Do people with cancer jog? It can't be good for their knees.
Shin splints are a nightmare.
Aqua aerobics, that's what they should do, it's low impact.
If you went bald, would you wear a wig? Hmm? Sorry.
Am I disturbing you? I'm trying to get some rapport going here, you know I talk, you talk ba-bing, ba-bong.
Mmm? You, it's all ba-bing and no ba-bong.
I need something to come back at.
I'm ying, you're yang.
That's how it works.
I need some ba-bong.
Give me some ba-bong! My husband's having an affair.
Ba-bong.
How do you know he's having an affair? He made up some conference he's supposed to be at now.
He's not returning my calls.
What, that's your evidence? He bought some things.
Things? What kind of things? Roses, perfume A present for his mum.
An Agent Provocateur "Fifi" lingerie set.
A present for his sister? It's a little weird.
A pack of 12 Pleasure Max condoms.
A present for a painfully shy younger brother? He hasn't got a brother.
I'm sorry.
Hang on, how d'you know all this? You checked his purchase history, didn't you? I wasn't doing it to pull pull some bit of skirt I met in a supermarket.
Call yourself professional.
Call yourself professional! Shut up! It's completely different.
Of course it is.
It's you.
He's my husband.
What? Run out of ba-bing? I can't have a go at you, can I? Your marriage is over.
I'm sure you'll work it out.
He better not be going far, I've got a lunch date.
Oh, yeah.
OK.
It's OK.
I already paid.
What you paid for lunch, while I was in the toilet? Hmm-mm.
Well, I'm sorry.
It'sit's just never happened to me before.
I hate these women who magically lose their purse when it's time to pay for something.
Me too.
Hey, Tone.
Sorry, Jack.
We just received some information about Oliver Young.
You need to see it.
Naz, Lauren.
Lauren, Naz.
Hi.
Are you sure this is right? I've double checked it.
Sorry.
I've just got to make a call.
Go ahead.
I'm going to watch the football.
You like football? Who are you? MOBILE RINGS Hey, Kate.
It's Jack.
I just got some information about Oliver Young.
Give me a call when you get this.
Oh, what?! Need any help? Oliver? I was, er, driving past and I saw you.
So you live here? I thought you said your place was down by the river? I moved.
Let me give you a hand.
Oh.
It's fine.
No, no, don't be silly.
Honestly.
I've got it.
It's heavy, that's it.
OK.
In you go.
OK.
So, where's it going to be? Er, on the chest.
Well, it's a lovely flat.
Thank you.
I've got to get the rest of my things.
I'll tell you what.
You make me a cup of tea and I'll give you a hand.
Oh, no, it's there's hardly anything.
Well, it's even less with two of us doing it.
I insist.
Where's Keith? Who? Keithyour cat? Keith the cat.
He's dead.
He got run over by a car.
Oh, I'm so sor Tea? Yeah.
Well, I'm sure you didn't say you were moving.
Didn't I? Oh.
That's weird.
No.
I would've remembered.
Oh, well, yeah, I was most probably trying not to think about it.
You know .
.
all that packing, unpacking.
So do you, ercome round this area often? My gym is just down the road.
Oh? I had a really great time last night.
I've thought about you a lot.
Do you always have that affect on men? Not usually.
Oh, I think you do.
You're being modest.
You're beautiful.
Didn't you get my message? The night Sally Jacobs was murdered, Oliver Young was on a water sports holiday in Tahiti.
It's just a coincidence.
He really has just bought a kitten.
Oliver, ermthere's been a dreadful misunderstanding.
I only wanted a kiss, you mad bitch.
I'm very sorry.
I'm glad your cat's dead! Keith.
Oh It's a New Zealand Pinot Noir.
I hope that's OK? It's my favourite wine.
Oh? It's a lovely flat.
JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY How do you afford it on a police salary? I'm not really sure myself.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Mmm.
There's something I need to tell youwant to tell you.
Yeah? Er, when we met, at the supermarket, it wasn't exactly an accident.
What do you mean? Well, I saw you earlier at the deli counter.
You were buying some Camembert and you smiled at the shop assistant.
Oh, yeah, she made that xenophobic remark about the French.
I'm not one of those freaks who talks to random strangers.
I hate those people, their inane conversation.
It's just that it's it's, it's really difficult to meet anyoneanyone nice.
And I just thought I'm glad you did.
Well, I just wanted to be honest.
So you don't think I'm stalker? HE LAUGHS No.
There's something else.
What? I only buy serious literature because I think I should.
I've never finished any of Rushdie's books.
Me neither.
He freaks me out with his weird, squinty eyes.
That ridiculous beard.
They should've let the Iranians have him.
One more thing.
I don't usually buy fresh coffee.
We can work on that.
DOORBELL RINGS I think this could be really special.
Me too.
DOORBELL RINGS Ignore it.
DOORBELL RINGS DOORBELL RINGS URGENTLY All right! What? I just found this shampoo in my bathroom.
Is that a joke? It's not mine.
So, it must have belonged to Sally Jacobs.
It's from the Framlin Hotel.
I had them check the register.
She stayed there the night before she was murdered.
But, the card used to pay for the room, was Mike Reynolds'.
Who? The Chief Executive of Honeybee.
He's our guy.
Great.
Fantastic.
We'll pick him up tomorrow.
What? What do you mean tomorrow? It's Friday night.
He's probably out with his mates.
I checked.
He's still at the office.
He's working late.
Good for him.
Jack? Oh.
You stay and enjoy yourself.
I'll pick him up myself.
Yeah, I worked out what your problem is.
My problem? You hate other people having a good time.
What? Other people enjoying themselves, it cuts you up, doesn't it? That is the most.
Oh I'm not even responding to that.
I don't hate people enjoying themselves, actually.
You can't stand it.
Oh, you are just unbelievable.
You think you're an expert on people? You know nothing.
You know less than nothing.
JACK ARGUES You are the least professional, most incompetent, laziest You can't even get a girlfriend without deceiving her.
You think about that, stalker boy.
Stalker boy? Stalker boy! Joy hater.
That's not even a term.
Yeah, you know why, I made it up, especially for you, joy hater.
All right, that is it.
I can't work with you.
I quit.
Suits me.
Great, well, let's just get this done.
Then we never have to speak to each other.
Fine.
Good.
Great.
Idiot.
Mr Reynolds isn't answering his phone.
He may have just slipped out of his office.
I know he's in, though.
Thank you.
You stay down here, I'll check upstairs.
Hey! Why don't I check upstairs and you stay down here? You're just arguing for sake of it.
Am I? Fine.
Whatever.
JACK GROANS Ow Ow Ow, Christ.
Oh! It was the cleaner, wasn't it? I bloody knew it.
Mopping away.
Butter wouldn't melt.
It's always the guy mopping the floor in the background.
God, this is when you wish you were freakishly double-jointed.
HE STRAINS It wasn't the guy mopping the floor in the background? You killed those women? Well, that's pretty bloody obvious, isn't it? OK, let me re-phrase the question.
Why do you kill those women? Because I found out he was picking them up in bars, taking them to hotels.
You said you love me.
Oh SPLASHING I'm sorry.
They were so pathetic.
So grateful.
Thought they'd found the man of their dreams.
I was doing them a favour.
Hey! Woah, woah, woah, hold the phone, what have I done? You're all the samemen.
You lie, and you cheat, and you never want to talk on the phone.
That's because we'd rather talk to you face to face.
Liar! OK, OK, OK! OK, we don't have the same endless capacity for mundane conversation about every little thing.
HE SPITS Jesus! Look, you still love him, right? You do this, huh, what then? Oh, no, no, no, you see I'm coming with you.
What? Yes.
That way, we can be together Ah, Jesus.
.
.
for ever! You don't want me there.
Huh? I'll just get in the way.
Three's a crowd.
Oh, no, no, no - you don't want to do that.
You don't want to do that, don't do that! See you on the other side.
Wait, wait, wait! What if there is no other side? What if the whole idea of an afterlife is an artificial construct designed to control and manipulate the masses, encouraging them to accept religious doctrine in return for some imaginary reward after death, huh? Now you think about that, just think about it.
Well, I guess we'll find out, won't we? Argh! HE BLOWS Oh! Oh! Oh, ah It's diesel.
Oh, it's diesel! SHE WHIMPERS Light as many matches as you want, babe.
Diesel doesn't ignite on contact with naked flames.
You think you can rewrite the laws of chemistry? Good luck.
Did you know she was insane when you first started going out with her? How do they do that? What are you doing? Just shut up! I'm going to cave your skull in! Trust me.
I know how you feel.
You took your time.
Oh, you're welcome.
I'm not saying I couldn't have talked my way out of it.
Oh, that's what you were doing? Right.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA Anyway, thanks.
Well, I suppose this is goodbye.
Yep, some things, er, just aren't meant to be.
Not enough ba-bong.
Little too much ba-bing.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Lauren? Nice bedding.
400-thread Egyptian cotton.
Well, are you coming in or what? 'Hi, this is Dan Bishop, leave your number and I'll call you straight back.
' It's me again, can you call me when you get this? It's important, so Just call me.
Hey, how d'you like your eggs? Scrambled, poached, unfertilised? Oh, please.
Come on.
It's a classic postcoital gag.
SHE LAUGHS OK, funny guy, where do you keep your cutlery? In the drawer just down there.
What do you fancy doing this afternoon? We could go to the zoo.
Laugh at the monkeys.
What is this? Oh? You've got a file on me? Where did you get this? Lauren, this isn't as bad as it looks.
OK, OK, it is pretty bad.
Look, this doesn't change anything.
Please, Lauren, Lauren.
I'm sorry, OK.
Don't go.
Great! Kate? Hiya.
Is there any food in the fridge? I'm starving.
Ooh, can I have this Scotch egg? What? Do you want some? I know.
You know? Don't make me say it.
Say what? Are you OK? Do not touch me.
What is up with you? Dan, I know.
What? I have no idea what you're talking about.
What did I do now? Did I forget to do the washing up? Jesus, what are you doing?! Who is she? What? Who is she? Who? You're insane! Ow! Jesus! You broke my knee! Ow! I know about the roses, and the perfume, and the "Fifi" lingerie.
What?! I know about the pack of 12 Pleasure Max condoms.
Since when could you do it 12 times a night, hmm? That just for her? You're Mr "12 times a night" for her?! Ow! All that sex must have made you a bit peckish, did it? How about a nice steak and kidney pie, mmm? And a lemon meringue.
What? I hope you really enjoyed it.
What're you talking about?! I know everything.
What's this? Oh! What it's not Who is she? It was Ryan! He was buying stuff for his wife's birthday.
It was on your loyalty card! He doesn't have one.
I was with him.
I used my card to get the points.
I'm saving up for a Porsche track day.
Argh! Ask Ryan.
Ask him.
I'm not cheating on you! Oh! Dan Get me an ambulance! OK.
HE WAILS A rolling pin.
Ouch.
Cheers.
Hey, how is he? Well, you fractured both his kneecaps.
So they're going to keep him in overnight.
Right Did he say anything? He says he's not going to press charges.
And that he'she's going to go and spend some time with a friend.
So you get the house.
Result, huh, huh? I just Oh, God I can't believe this.
Oh Justjust give him a chance to calm down Yep.
.
.
and, er, you know for his, for his knees to heal.
Yeah.
He got the hang of the wheelchair OK.
Did he? Yeah, yeah.
GLASS BREAKS, CHEERING So did you speak to Lauren? She won't listen to a word I've got to say.
Oh? I really liked her.
Yeah.
You like Lauren so much, you're already looking at other women's arses.
That? That's a reflex.
That's nothing.
Unbelievable.
A woman bends over, you check her out.
All men do.
Not all men do it.
Well, how would you know? You're bent over.
What, you don't check out your own arse when you're buying new clothes.
Who's that for? Not you.
See, you're doing it again! She keeps bending over! You're no better than a baboon.
A woman bends over, I look at her.
That makes me a baboon? Aha.
You're a baboon.
Have you got a problem with baboons? Look you missed one, she's doing it again.
You know what you are, you're baboonist.
Am I? Yes.
Oh, my God, that's terrible.
There's a body in here.
Ah! I think that was his head.
Did you see where that came from? Are you insane?! You think I was hanging around to take a look? Youtakeincompetent to an entirely new level.