Vice Principals (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Gin

1 There are four pieces.
(sighs) Winter Concert is this week.
And of course, Brown is relying on me to practically run the whole thing.
Is that why you're picking up her dry cleaning? I'm in charge of more than just this.
I have real responsibilities.
You know that, Christine.
(shouting in Korean) You mind your own fuckin' business.
Isn't this her assistant's job? It's called being a good person.
- Maybe you should try it sometimes - (phone beeps) instead of kissing doctors' asses all day.
It's the hospital.
Meet me outside.
Bitch boy.
Not another fucking word out of you.
(whispering) Bitch boy, bitch boy, bitch boy Uh, can you please just put this on debit, please? - Bitch boy! - What's she calling you? "Beach boy"? Nothing! Can I please get a receipt, please? - Bitchy boy! - Oh.
- Just - Bitch boy, bitch boy, bitch boy! Bitch boy! Bitchy boy Aah! (theme music playing) Mario: You know how sharks make babies? The spray the water like, skeet, skeet, skeet! - Yes! Skeet, skeet, skeet! - Mm! Y'all is crazy.
(laughing) Skeet! You know, I'm happy as shit, Belinda.
Thank you.
Well, the boys sure did miss you.
Wish I could turn the clock back a year, to when shit was like this for real.
Well, I wish a lot of things.
Sometimes we take what we can get.
You honestly gonna act like you ain't having fun? Me, the boys, fish.
I'm having a little bit of fun.
(both laugh) (funk music playing) Whoa.
I can't believe you let me fuck you in a bus.
Hey.
Can you imagine if we got caught doing that? - We'd lose our jobs.
- Well - Motherfucker.
- you'd better play it cool then.
- You better play it cool.
- Mr.
Gamby! There you are.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
We have a Code 13 in the auditorium! Who the hell Code-13s at ten o'clock in the morning? - (making monkey sounds) - Strombone! Get down from there, right now! - Jesus! - How the hell did this happen? The whole group of 'em, right there, is drunk! Hey, idiots! I fail to see what's funny here.
- (laughter, monkey sounds) - Hey! I don't want to see anyone's goddamn teeth.
You understand? Zip the lips, purse them now.
(students screaming) - Oh, my God! - Holy shit.
Great.
This is why you don't drink Icehouse at band practice.
Mmm.
Hope you all are proud of yourselves.
Jason Strombone is in the emergency room.
Because of your poor choices, none of you will be participating in the Winter Concert.
I'm first chair.
My grandparents are coming in from out of town.
Mr.
Gamby's going easy on you.
If it were up to me, I'd kick all of y'all out of school.
I have zero tolerance for drinking.
You know why I got that Tanqueray tattooed on my back? Because you like gin? No.
Because me and gin don't get along.
I had a problem since my first sip at 13.
Kept sipping too.
Made me a whole different person.
Shit got me turked up! Put me in beast mode.
Take a sip Friday evening in Philly, I'd wake up Monday morning in Arkansas, all bit up by chiggers, no no memory of how I got there.
But thankfully, my life took a positive turn and I was blessed with two fine sons.
And I guess that made me realize what I had to lose.
And that, Miss Missy, is why I put that tattoo on my back.
Because the drinking, that's behind me now.
And I want y'all to put it behind y'all too.
Am I clear? One week, ISS circle.
No Winter Concert, and, of course, all of y'all parents are gonna hear from me.
I'm sorry for interfering back there, Mr.
Gamby.
I just have strong opinions on the matter.
No, no, no worries.
Uh, I appreciate it.
I I respected the fact that you related it to your own struggles.
Kudrows.
Mr.
Gamby? How would you like to be vice principal, by yourself? We'd create the position Chief Accountability Officer for you.
You'd receive a substantial increase in salary as well.
We'd run North Jackson High School as equals.
What about Mr.
Russell? From what I hear, you two don't get along already.
You wouldn't shed a tear if he was gone, now would you? No.
I mean, I don't care for that man one bit, so That man ain't even a snake in the grass.
Damn worm in the dirt.
Look at him.
Hey, B! I got your, uh, your coffee and your Move And your dry cleaning.
Just go put 'em in my office.
Yeah? - (mutters) Bitch.
- Okay.
- Okay! - Did you just call him a bitch? - He act like a bitch, walk like a bitch.
- Whew.
Mm.
Yeah, look at his pants.
- Bitch.
- I'd never wear pants like that.
You better not.
I'd call you a bitch.
So what did she say about me? She talk shit? No, she was mainly just talking about herself, you know? Just being boastful, cocky, braggadocious, you know, just showing hubris.
What's that? It's a fucking spy pen is what it is.
You see this right here? There's a little camera inside there.
Next time she starts running her mouth, talking shit, I'm gonna get it all on video, publish it online, let the court of public opinion do the rest.
Jeez, man, listen to yourself, talking about spy pens and court of public opinion.
I mean, you're grasping at straws, Russell.
You're being a bitch.
All my hopes and dreams on a fucking pen.
I'm just at a loss here.
Every single thing we throw at this woman fails.
My fucking family is retarded.
Brown treats me like a house slave.
I just I just can't exist like this.
Russell, are you crying? No! I'm not fucking crying.
God! Gamby, you wish.
Well, you know, as much as I'd like to commiserate with you, I got a hot date.
I'm going out with Snodgrass and my daughter.
Fine, great! Snodgrass and your daughter.
Go empty your balls.
Don't worry about anything but your erection.
Russell, how many times do I have to tell you this? I do not like when you talk about my private parts, okay? Please don't do it again.
I'm really going to have to do the whole pen-blackmail thing all by myself? The mission is always my top concern, okay? Just because I have a girlfriend and things are finally going in my favor, that doesn't change anything.
I'll see you, Lee.
Okay? Oh.
Oh my God.
You're lucky it's only cosmetic damage.
You know, I think there's a valuable lesson to be learned here.
My daddy always said, if you fall, you can't quit.
You gotta get right back on the horse.
On the horse? How dare you mention horses when you forced us to sell Shadowfax? What? No.
Hey, I didn't make anyone sell anything.
That is not fair, Neal.
You know what? I don't give a (whispers) fuck about what's fair and what's not fair, 'cause I'm gonna tell you right now, there is no more motorcycles.
I don't want to hear either of you trying to talk her into that (whispers) shit.
You hear me? Not another (whispers) fuckin' word.
If you want someone to sever their spinal cord and get killed, then put Gale on the motorcycle.
- (laughs) - Not my daughter! From now on, she's doing what I say because I won.
Conversation over.
This is Janelle's choice, not yours.
(speaking gibberish with a French accent) Janelle, tell these people.
Do you want to ride motorcycles and potentially split your face open, have your guts and blood all over the dusty ground, sit in a wheelchair and roll around for the rest of your life, having everyone look at you and feel sorry for you Baby, it's okay.
You can tell him the truth, sweetheart.
Speak from your heart.
I don't want to do motocross anymore.
I I'm just not good at it.
- Baby.
- Of course you're not, sweetheart.
You suck at it.
Let's go.
Have another glass of wine, Gale.
Numb yourself.
I have a headache.
(rock music playing) (laughing) (screaming) - Yeah! - There you go! Whoa! Yeah! Gamby: You know, I'm having so much fun.
Honestly, I haven't been this happy in a long, long time.
Me too.
I like this version of you.
You should be this more often.
Tell me, what's your take on Lee Russell? Mr.
Russell at school? He's okay.
Some people would say that the school would run a lot better if he wasn't around.
I don't really have an opinion.
Our paths don't cross.
And I thought you guys were friends? Not friends.
We're colleagues, yes, of course.
You know? Nothing more, nothing less.
No loyalty.
We don't owe each other anything.
Okay.
But your day-to-day wouldn't change if Lee Russell wasn't around? Nope.
Not one bit.
- Good to know.
- Yeah.
Janelle? Janelle, don't do it.
Janelle - No.
- don't Janelle! Goddamn it! - Janelle! Jeez! - (laughing) Thank You for this food we are about to receive and thank you for this day and bless these men at this table.
- Amen.
- Amen.
So, Dascious, school is having a winter concert, and I was thinking if you're still around, maybe we could go to Olive Garden afterwards and try those never-ending pasta balls.
Hmm.
Actually (clears throat) Belinda, me and the boys wanted to talk to you about something.
- You and the boys? - Well, yeah, you know, we we been discussing some stuff.
And, well, there's something we wanted to discuss with you.
Well, what y'all want to tell me? We don't want to live here no more.
We don't want to live in this hotel.
We been through this already, boys.
This arrangement is just temporary.
Yeah, but you been telling them that for a few months now, Belinda, and ain't nothing change.
I mean, they been through enough.
It's time for them to go back to Philly.
You have no idea what they've been through.
'Cause your ass just got here.
He is right, Mama.
We really do want to go back to Philly.
Yeah, Mama.
Can we? Y'all want to go back to Philly? - Then go.
- For real? Yes, for real.
If it's that important to you that you want to leave your mama for some Johnny Come Lately, then I don't want you here.
See, now this ain't got to turn ugly, Belinda.
Damn.
No, I'm being straight up.
They can pack their shit and go, as far as I'm concerned.
Be careful what you say now.
You want me to say it again? 'Cause I can say it slowly.
Pack yo shit.
She gets along great with Janelle.
I'm not trying to jinx anything, but I think I may have found my soul mate.
So she is a freak in the sack then, huh? Dayshaun, gentlemen never kiss and tell, but in a word, yes.
I knew she was a freak, man.
You can see it in her eyes You should take a picture.
It'll last longer.
Great joke.
It's just shocking to see you alone.
Well, I'm not alone.
I'm sitting here conversing with my friend and subordinate.
Dayshaun doesn't count.
I'm talking about your little friend Amanda.
What's the deal? Are you guys officially dating, or what is it? Look, don't do this, all right? Don't embarrass yourself.
Oh, okay, I get it.
You can openly date her, but what was I? I was, like, your secret shame? It's apples and oranges, baby.
I mean, you know she's just dating you to get back at Bill, right? Bullshit.
Are you blind, Gamby? They were fucking and he broke up with her because she was no good at it, and so she started dating you to piss him off.
Bill Hayden fucked my girlfriend? Yeah.
The greatest rivalry in American history has to be between Alexander Hamilton, former treasure secretary, and Vice President Aaron Burr.
Okay? Mr.
Gamby, can I What? - Hmm.
- Hey.
Ooh.
What does that face mean? Bill Hayden, right now.
What's the history? - Uh - (whispering) Get the fuck out of here.
What the fuck are you talking about, Neal? I don't like how you're coming at me right now.
You know what I'm talking about.
Did you or did you not make love to him? Were you not lovers with Bill Hayden? Uh, are you asking if me and Bill Hayden fucked? Because, yeah, we did.
Is that what you wanted to know? Yes, it's what I wanted to know, but I didn't want you to be all cavalier about it.
Is this what you do? You just mess around with different people, just to get off on your jollies? No.
I slept with Bill.
I didn't quiz you about your history.
I mean, I'm sure you've had sex before, huh? I mean, clearly anybody who's good at sex has sex with different people and has a history.
So don't be acting like you're the only person who's fucked people.
- I let Jen Abbott suck my dick.
- What? Yeah, in the supply closet, so we're the same.
This is not how you communicate with people, Neal.
- What are you, 12? - You can fuck Bill Hayden, but I can't let Jen Abbott suck upon my penis? Not that we were having this conversation, but it's disgusting.
I don't even want to look at you right now.
Well, fine.
I don't want to look at you right now either.
So I'll just see you tonight at the Winter Concert.
I'll come pick you up.
How about we do our own thing tonight, okay? I think we need some time to cool off.
- Are you dumping me? - Jesus! Grow up, Neal, and stop acting insane.
Fuck.
Mr.
Gamby, have you put any thought into what we discussed? I thought about it, but I haven't decided yet.
Remember, Gamby, Chief Accountability Officer doesn't have to wear orange vests or direct bus traffic.
(clicking) Lee, why don't you help Mi-Cha with the dishes? She looks overwhelmed.
Play with your toy later.
This is my work, Christine! (sighs) Fuck it! Fine! Doesn't she know we have a dishwasher? Move! Caw! Caw! Caw! What is up with you? You've been so on edge lately, sitting around, gaining weight and barking at people.
Gaining weight? If this is about my mom moving in, I know it's been tough, but I need you to make more of an effort.
This is not about your mom, Christine.
This is about me, being a man, getting the goddamn respect that I deserve.
I have been pulling double shifts at the hospital, and I can't handle all of this by myself.
I need you to step up.
So I guess my job means nothing.
(shouting in Korean) I'll bet you'd both be real sorry if I killed myself, wouldn't you? Huh? Why are you saying that? No reason.
(doorbell ringing) Move.
Move! Gamby? What are you doing here? Can we talk? Hey, go say goodbye to your mom.
Go on.
Mama, you still mad? We won't go if you still mad.
Just answer the phone when I call, that's all I ask.
You're not gonna cry or nothin'? There ain't nothing to cry about.
Look, I love y'all.
But if you don't want to be with me, I don't want to be with you either.
Come on, hug your mama.
Go.
I did not think it was possible for you to fuck this family up more than you already have.
This ain't about me.
It's about them.
You're a low-down son of a bitch.
You know what? That's all right.
I ain't mad at you.
- (door handle clicking) - (boys laughing) Ha! That's funny, right? Hey, open this door, Goddamn it.
Y'all think this shit funny? All right.
Open the door! Shit! Snodgrass broke up with me.
Or maybe I broke up with her, or maybe this is just our first fight.
I don't even know.
It got so fucking confusing in those final moments.
Is it because of the whole Bill Hayden thing? You knew about that? Everybody knew about that.
It's common knowledge.
Common knowledge? I didn't know about it.
I'm sitting there getting played and you didn't even tell me? You had me walking around like I was hot shit and meanwhile, I'm getting Bill Hayden's sloppy seconds.
Are you really going to make a big deal out of this? You know what? Fuck you! I came over here because I have a very important decision to make, and you've just made it a lot easier.
Oh, what's that supposed to mean? You're supposed to have my back.
I thought you were my fucking friend.
Gamby, don't go.
I didn't think to tell you because because I'm a self-absorbed person who doesn't think about other people.
I've never had to be loyal to someone before.
But you're right.
You've always been a man of your word with me.
And I should have told you that your pussy was being tampered with, Gamby.
I should have been more honest with you.
I'm sorry.
(whispers) Damn it.
Well I appreciate your telling me that.
(sighs) The truth is that I haven't been 100% honest with you, Russell.
Yesterday, Belinda offered me to be her second in command with a brand-new title Chief Accountability Officer.
What about me? Russell, she's going to fire you.
What did you tell her? I didn't say anything.
You know.
I'll admit, in the moment, I was definitely tempted.
Now that I see that our friendship does mean something to you, it's simple.
The answer is no.
Fuck it.
Gamby, maybe you should just take her up on it.
Honestly, I'm I'm of no use to you.
We gave it a good run but our mission failed.
The bitch won, Gamby.
The bitch hasn't won.
Not yet.
Let's finish what we started.
(school orchestra playing "The Little Drummer Boy") Wait here.
(orchestra continuing) - (whispering) What's up with you? - What the? Why you creepin'? I was trying to be respectful of the performance.
Do you want to say something? Yeah.
I was just gonna talk to you about the offer that you made me earlier.
I didn't know if maybe after this you wanted to go and grab a bite or something, talk about it? - Hmm.
- My treat.
(music ends) (applause) (lilvely chattering) Well, here we go.
To Brown and Gamby, partners in leadership.
It sucks for Mr.
Russell, but, oh, well.
I don't drink.
Not even on a special occasion? (sighs heavily) They're gone, Mr.
Gamby.
Who's gone? My babies.
I was willing to do whatever it took to beat that man.
I mean, I moved my boys away from their home and their school, their friends.
I even had them living in a hotel so he wouldn't have them.
But now look They gone and I'm all alone.
And I deserve every bit of it.
(sobbing) It's okay.
Now, come on.
There, there.
Shh.
I'm sorry.
I'm crying like a baby.
Maybe I will have that drink.
I damn sure could use one.
You know what? Actually, there is gin in this, so maybe I should get you something else to drink.
How about that? Oh, no, if it got gin in it, give it to me.
- Mmm! - It's a double, so Ooh, yeah.
That's gin, all right.
Mmm! Okay.
Wow, you're pretty thirsty.
Ooh Whoo! Sweet baby Jesus.
(chuckles) That brings back a flood of memories.
Ooh, Lord! I'm gonna go get a refill.
- You want some? - No, no, I'm fine.
- I don't need anymore.
- Whoo! Let me get a shot of Tanqueray.
All right.
Whoo! Whoo! Shit! Ah! Come on, come on! Preachy-ass bartender.
Punch the smug motherfucker in his face.
Maybe we should just slow this down a little bit.
Big day at work tomorrow, so don't want to Mmm! What are you doing? I gotta get up here (mutters) Give me one of them smokes.
Little draft there.
Gamby, did you just touch my ass? No, it's just the skirt was hanging Mr.
Gamby, I didn't know you liked coffee in your cream.
(cackles) Bet you $20 I could eat a pool ball like an apple.
- What? - (growling, laughing) I'm invincible, bitch! (laughing) Mmm! - (crying) - It's okay, it's okay.
Got my dancin' shoes.
Oh, I wanna dance with somebody I wanna feel the heat with somebody Damn! - Mmm! - Are you okay? It's like Spin magazine (laughing) Motherfucker.
I think we should probably settle up the tab.
I think you've had enough tonight.
No, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
When I get back, shit gonna get real, Mr.
Gamby.
Whoo! Goddamn! I got to piss! Shit.
- (cell phone ringing) - Anything good? - Russell, I need your help.
- Why? What's going on? We've uncorked a monster, Russell.
No! What in the hell are you doing? I'm trying to suck your dick, faggot! - I'm not a faggot! - Oh, shit.
We're coming your way, Russell.
Damn it! Get your hands Get fuckin' hands off of me! Fuck you, motherfucker! I don't give a damn how big you are! - We're going, we're going - Fuck you! Fuck you, motherfucker! Here's your jacket.
What the fuck you lookin' at? She's gotten some bad news today.
You ain't got to make no goddamn excuses for me.
Shit, I don't owe them nothin'! What the fuck is going on around here? Oh! Whew! Goddamn.
Oh, motherfucker bitch ass.
- Is that you? - No, no, it's not me.
No, I'm a ghost.
I'm not here.
Ooh, I'm not I'm not even here.
I want to dance.
I feel like dancing tonight! Come on, y'all! Yeah! Let's get this crunk up in here! - Get it all up in! - Yeah! Get it all up Hey, you thirsty, baby? - Yeah.
Goddamn.
- Here you go.
OM-fucking-G.
What the fuck you looking at? She is fucking wasted.
Get the footage.
This ain't even Tanqueray, but shit, this'll do it.
Goddamn! Oh, yeah, baby.
Yeah! Get down.
Bounce it, baby.
What the fuck y'all looking at? Keep walkin'! Keep walkin'.
Is this real? What is this a weave or what is this? This is a cold-ass weave.
Bitch! Don't side-eye me.
I will fuck your man.
She'll fuck his man.
Let's turn this motherfucker out! (laughs) Don't be scared.
You like it.
I see you.
She just freaked you.
She freaked him.
I been drinkin'! I been smokin'! Yeah, yeah, go down.
Go go down low.
Get low.
Russell, Russell! Don't do that.
Don't do that.
Hey, hey, Belinda? Hey, look at this.
You know what's going on? What's wrong over here? There is something wrong with this police car, B.
Oh my God, I don't feel any pee on it.
- Russell! - You gotta pee on this.
- Oh, right.
- Fuck the Po-po.
Fuck you! You motherfuckin' pigs! Pee on your motherfuckin' car.
Right fucking now! Jesus Christ.
You're awesome.
- Oh, shit.
- Russell, help her.
Help her.
(both grunting) That bitch should not drink gin.
No shit.
- Ahh! - (men shouting) - Get your hands off of me! - No! Stop it! You need to take a bath! Hello, you've reached Neal Gamby.
Please leave a message with your phone number (all shouting) - Goddamn it! - No! Come on! Ahh! Get the fuck out Take a bath! - Get out of here! - Take a bath! Turn the cold water on and go to sleep! - The fucking Oh! - (body thuds) (both sighing) (Belinda snoring) Yes, we need Somebody to lead us We need Another Jesus Jesus, yes we need Somebody to lead us We need A brand-new Christmas, brand-new Christmas Brand-new Christmas, brand-new Christmas Right away Who can say they're happy with the world today? Who can say they're not affected In any way? All the wars and hunger that we see I turn my eyes away From my TV People hittin' people down Yes, we need Somebody to lead us We need Another Jesus Jesus, yes we need Somebody to lead us We need A brand-new Christmas, brand-new Christmas Right away