Warehouse 13 s03e03 Episode Script

Previously on Warehouse 13 So, our own Warehouse doctor, huh? You like her.
Ask the woman out.
Do you want to come with me for a little walk? I'd like that.
Who was Hugo Miller? Brilliant man.
He's retired.
Artie, half of his brain is burnt out.
Time to set things right.
Thank you, Agent Nielsen.
I'm so glad you're back.
Hello there.
Sally Stukowski, F.
B.
I.
You've done well.
Another one? What is this? She's in P.
E.
A.
Down two minutes.
B.
P.
is 90 over 50.
Pulse ox has dropped to 82.
Amp of epi.
Page Hillard upstairs.
Damn it! Just like the others.
Charge the paddle to 50.
Okay and clear.
What the hell? I've never seen anything like it.
It's why I called the CDC.
You did the right thing to call us.
I'm going to bring in a consultant.
I think he'll be very helpful, I'm sure.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Artie, where are you going in the middle of the night? Uh, nowhere.
No place.
Why? Is that the coat I got you? This coat? Uh, so what? Yeah.
Is that a clean shirt? No, it's not.
Did you trim your eyebrows? Hmm.
No.
What's that smell? What I don't I don't smell anything.
Exactly.
You primped.
You're going to see Dr.
Vanessa.
Who's Dr.
Vanessa? No one.
Oh, wow, I've never had a lie hurt before.
She is the Warehouse physician.
And Artie's girly girlfriend.
Uh, yeah.
Dr.
Calder feels that there is an artifact that may be causing trouble in a hospital in Utah.
And she has asked me, a colleague, to consult and that is it.
And now if you will excuse me.
Did I not leave enough food in your bowl? I'm coming with you.
Why? No.
Why? A hospital, Artie? There will be blood.
When you faint, someone's going to have to break your fall.
Oh.
Fine.
Fine.
All right, fine.
Are you wearing Spanx? Stop looking at me.
Oh, hi! We came as quickly as we could.
That's record time.
Oh, blue scrubs.
They quite become you.
I mean, it brings out the blue in your eyes and Oh, thank you.
"Cough, cough," said the uncomfortable young person.
So, uh, what brings us to the great Salt Lake? Oh, a series of very unusual deaths.
Oh.
They called us, so I called you.
I'm sorry, they know about the Warehouse? No, no, Vanessa's also on staff at the CDC.
Sorry.
Oh, oh, I get it.
So the CDC is your Bruce Wayne daytime face, but you spend your dark nights with the Warehouse.
I got you.
Uh, she takes great pride in making references neither of us will ever understand, so.
Mmm.
Riddle me this, Batgirl.
Is that a heart? It was.
I don't get it.
She smoked five packs a day? Why's it all cracked and dry? I sent a tissue sample to my lab.
One of the technicians who spends his weekends as an amateur botanist made a really strange discovery.
The heart muscle has actually metamorphosed into diatomaceous earth.
What? The kidney, spleen, lungs, all this woman's organs have turned to clay.
Clay? And you say there are others? We may be facing an artifact outbreak.
Artie's bedroom! Ho-ho-ho-ho.
Why are we in Artie's bedroom naked? I don't know.
Why were you in bed with me? I was not in bed with you! You were in bed with me! Naked! You're naked, too! Oh.
And why are you blonde? I'm not blonde.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm blonde! What did you do? Hey, don't blame me.
I mean, I'm good, but I've never changed a woman's hair color.
Pete, we did not.
We did not do it.
Did we? I don't remember.
Did we get drunk? No! No, no.
I know hangovers and I do not feel hung over.
Me neither.
There must be some simple explanation why you and I would be in bed.
Together.
Naked.
With Artie's toothbrush.
All the victims are female? So far, yeah.
I ordered a DNA analysis, but that's going to take a few days.
Days, we don't have.
But, what we do have is Oh, is that her original DNA sequencer? Yeah, it is.
Whose? Well, Watson and Crick, they won a Nobel Prize for their proposal of the double helix nature of DNA, but of all their work was based entirely on their research of Rosalind Franklin, my personal hero.
Brava, Doctor.
Thank you.
Aw, it's like watching Golden Gossip Girls.
I'll go do something.
Thank you.
Artie.
I really enjoyed our walk.
The one we took.
Me, too.
It was probably the best walk I ever walked.
In fact, it was such a successful promenade, that I was thinking perhaps we should take it to the next level.
A jog? Well, I could buy shorts.
Artie, I was kidding.
I think dinner would be nice.
You're right.
When we get to the bottom of this.
Of course.
Of course.
This will prove that we didn't do anything.
You got it? I know how the durational spectrometer works.
No, it's the Okay, all right.
Right.
And this Okay.
There you go.
Fast forward, will you? Okay.
Okay, so far, so, you know, we're just, great.
Aw, look, we're spooning.
No, we're not.
I'm fast forwarding.
All right.
Are you drooling? That's sweat.
Look at you.
You're like wrestling.
You're a bed hog.
I know.
Ooh, almost saw one of the tetons.
See Well This is not funny.
Could be.
Could be.
Were you making a phone call? Uh, yeah, maybe I ordered a pizza.
Well, nada on the nookie.
Well, but this only shows the last five hours.
I mean, stuff could've happened before that.
Okay, but who did I call and what does Artie's toothbrush mean? Artie.
What's going on there? Nothing.
Nobody had sex.
What? Nothing.
Just me joking around.
Joking around.
Why are you calling? I'm returning your call.
We didn't call you, Artie.
That wasn't Pete singing "The Pina Colada Song" on my voicemail at 3:00 in the morning? Oh, that! Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well? Well Do you like taking walks in the rain? Myka, did you do something to your hair? No, it always looks like this.
Artie, does your toothbrush mean anything to you? In the sense that it fights plaque and gingivitis, it means a great deal to me.
You're Hello? There is only one explanation for all of this.
Aha! Several disturbances in the stacks, see? It was an artifact that affected us.
All right, well, let's check them out and see if one of them whammied us into whamming each other.
We did not whammy each other, okay? And I will prove it or I will die trying.
Where are my shoes? Hey, where's Steve? I don't know.
I'll call him.
He always answers his cell.
That's not good.
Nope.
No, it's not.
That's a lot of Scrabble points.
It's the genome sequence of the last victim.
Hmm.
This doesn't make sense.
That can't be right.
I mean, that's not even What? Human.
Those are not human DNA sequences.
You know, people, plants, animals, we're all carbon based.
Carbon bonded with other elements makes up what we are, but those gene sequences, that's silicon based.
If this is a virus and that's accurate, then it's actually changing their DNA.
Do you see it? See what? See, it's a pattern.
And it just repeats.
There, you see it now? No.
Okay.
Whoa! Yeah.
How'd you see that? It's just an old habit from my code breaking days at the NSA.
Code? That's computer code? Of course.
It's a computer virus.
But computer viruses only affect computers.
They don't affect people.
Unless it's super-sized by an artifact.
We are facing a diabolical nexus of computer science and genetic engineering run amok that could threaten the very idea of life as we know it.
One of you has got to be in her bedroom.
Come on.
Ah, Davina, my favorite.
Ooh.
Artie! Hugo! Thank you so much for coming to Utah on such short notice.
What, are you kidding? I'm positively salivating at the concept of a computer virus hybridization.
And of course I'd do anything for an old friend who put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
Hugo, let me introduce you to Dr V? Hello, Huey.
V The plot thickens.
I still cannot believe that it's really you.
It's really me.
Look at you.
You still have that same jacket? Yeah, groovy, innit? Never went out of style.
Yeah.
He's a regular fashionista.
Says Artie in the banging jacket.
Yeah, you still have a way with the words.
And you had a way with me, V.
"Cough, cough," says Artie and Claudia.
No, no.
It's I'm sorry.
I'm just surprised as all get out to see V.
We started at the Warehouse about the same time.
Remember how we used to hang out in the dark vault, play records? You and me and Mary Jane? What, we had an agent named Mary Jane? I don't Good God, where did you come from? What? Dr.
Calder, we have another victim.
Tesla 315.
This is where the first artifact was disturbed.
Yo! Steve-a-ro.
Steve? I don't know.
I think it's just Jesus! Oh God! Ow, ow, ow.
The target coil is still on! Target practice.
That's it, that's it.
We were having target practice, remember? Yes, we were talking.
He had just mentioned that he was gay.
And you were being you.
Oh, my God.
Gay? Finally, thank God! There's someone to appreciate all this.
It's a waste of time working out for these people.
Here, I'll take my shirt off.
No, no thanks.
No, hey, anytime, man.
You know I spend a lot of time on, you know, the guns and pack and, you know.
Pete, I'm really good, I'm really good.
No, dude.
I'm straight.
It's cool, man.
Take it in.
Pete, put your shirt back on.
Anytime.
It's cool.
The coil's hot, would you like to Yes, thank you, thank you.
Well, not bad if you're trying to miss.
Firing a ray gun isn't as easy as it looks in the movies.
No, hey, no, it is very hard to fire ray guns in the movies.
How many times do you see a Storm Trooper hit what he's firing at? Not once.
Whoo! That's not bad.
Ooh, "not bad"? Woman, I got mad skills.
Don't they need to recharge? Well, Claudia gave them an upgrade.
Oh.
Watch and learn, rookies.
Shaboom! The shelf.
Pete! Grab that one! I got it.
I think they came from up there.
Yeah, so we should put them back.
Listen, no more fooling around! Pete, look.
We did get drunk.
Sort of.
No, no.
Because if I had gotten drunk I'd have slept with somebody.
The number of victims are increasing.
Did you find anything, Hugo? Yes.
The computer virus is literally rewriting this young woman's DNA.
I could spend a lifetime studying its effects.
This reminds me of the case involving D.
B.
Cooper's parachute.
That was a weird one, even by Warehouse standards.
Weird and wonderful as I recall.
We have a lot of work to do, Agent Miller.
Um, how do we reverse this process? Well, we have to find the artifact.
If we can discover how it made the computer virus communicable, I could write an anti-virus and we can disseminate a cure.
Ta-dah! So V and I will put our heads together, analyze its genetic structure.
You and Claudia check out the young woman's apartment.
Maybe you'll get lucky and find a clue as to the artifact's whereabouts.
Oh, that's good.
That's fine.
Um, I think that you've got a firm grip on things here.
So, W.
C.
Fields' juggling balls make you drunk and pass out.
How come every other artifact makes me have to call my sponsor? Okay, according to the log we disturbed that one to Walt Disney's paint brush.
Ah! Oh, hey look.
Marilyn Monroe's hair brush.
This explains that.
Pete.
Yeah? Look.
Steve's tesla.
This is so much cheaper than a salon.
Hey, Myka.
Huh? Look.
Where have you guys been? What happened to target practice? Happy birthday, Mr.
Secret Service agent.
Uh, should you guys be touching that? Uh-oh, it's the human lie detector.
Better not tell a fib.
Ooh.
Okay, what is this, some sort of a hazing joke? Claudia was right about you, Jinks.
You are a poopy pants.
Have you guys been drinking? No.
I have not had a single drop of alcohol.
You know Artie told me that rule number one is never playing with the artifacts.
Why don't we just put these back? Stevie, Stevie.
Steve, you know how the Warehouse is a really big place? Uh-huh.
Like, um, want to see something really cool? Oh, I don't know.
I think we should probably get back to Let's go.
What? Come on, Mr.
Poopy McPooperson.
We did something to Steve.
Something bad.
Something very bad.
We have to figure out what it is.
Would a machete help? Or maybe a chainsaw.
After all, this is just a crime scene.
Okay, you know, you're always there for me as annoying as that can be and that can be pretty annoying, so how about we change things up and you let me be there for you for two minutes.
Artie Artie, just because Hugo and Vanessa were an item back during the Civil War does not mean that they are getting back together.
You and the doc have a good thing going.
What thing? We don't have a thing.
We have one walk.
And I limped.
Artie Claudia.
All right.
Given my line of work and my advanced years, I have pretty much made peace with the fact that I would not find romantic companionship.
Love.
And then, Vanessa And so I started to hope.
False hope, it would seem.
Artie, it's hope.
How can it be false? Yeah, well, can we just keep looking? Is that all right with you? No, not the computer.
No, no, no, no.
What are you doing? From where do you think a computer virus is most likely to originate? Right.
That's why you're still alive after all these years.
Wait a second.
Tiger Direct.
Yeah, it's a computer chain store.
We passed one on the way here.
What are you doing? No, no, no, don't worry.
My laptop's safe.
Bingo.
I just cross-referenced bank statements from the other five victims.
They all have credit card charges from Tiger Direct.
That is bingo.
Time for Annie's afternoon yoga.
Tyler! What the heck were you doing? Nothing.
I was on my break.
You're busted, my brother.
Your attitude just wrote one too many checks your butt can't cash.
Well, excuse me, Mr.
Shreeve, but you can't fire me.
I just cleared it with H.
R.
Enjoy your break, forever.
I.
E.
, you're fired.
Well, fine! And you know, only total jerkwads say "I.
E.
" We need to speak to the employee that serviced these computers.
Uh, these are all in-home calls.
When it's a home computer we send out one of our Tiger-nicians.
Oh, this explains a lot.
Tyler Struhl.
Tyler Struhl is one of your Tiger-nicians.
And he repairs these computers and he's here right now.
Can we talk to him? I just fired him.
He was totally not Tiger material.
He just left.
What are you doing? Oh, right, okay go.
I'm on it.
Go, go, go.
He was hacking computers.
He was spying on girls like some techno Peeping Tom.
Only female victims.
Perv.
I hope I never see his face again.
Attention, Tiger Direct shoppers.
What the? Let's play 20 questions.
That's him.
Question one.
Does the store manager, Colin Shreeve, make his repairmen use old fiber optic cables while he sells the new ones on the side to make cash? Answer? Oh, yes.
Little bastard! Question two.
Is Colin banging Lydia in cell phones? Answer? Yes, again.
Question two "A.
" Does Lydia's boyfriend, Carl, over in digital cameras know about it? He does now.
What? How is he still in the system? I already changed the password.
And the last question.
Does anybody mind shopping in the dark? I don't care, losers.
My God, it's beautiful.
Look at it.
"Look at it.
" Shut your eyes right now.
Ah.
Neat! Are you all right? Yes, I'm fine.
But what is it with the eyes? The eyes, the windows to the soul, but I think also DNA.
Brilliant! The optical nerve must act like a coaxial cable downloading the virus directly through the visual cortex.
Yeah.
At least that's what it feels like.
Oh, my.
It appears I have once again looked upon something I oughtn't have.
Yep.
Lock these doors, Officer.
What? Why? Who the heck are you? Lock them.
Excuse me, everyone.
May I have your attention, please? My name is Dr.
Vanessa Calder.
I work for the Center for Disease Control.
We have a situation here in this store and for your own safety I can't let anyone leave here right now.
This is Calder.
Code November.
We have a potential outbreak.
I tossed Tyler's apartment.
There's nothing in there, including Tyler.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm We're fine.
We're fine.
Uh, listen, Claudia.
We need the artifact.
So find him, all right? Wait, wait, Artie.
I've been looking over the code he used when he hacked in.
And to hack in he used what's called a battering ram.
It just smashes through any firewall.
It's as nasty as I've ever seen.
This guy's really good.
Yeah, all right, just Anybody here know where would Tyler Struhl go other than home? He likes the coffee shop on 5th and Archer to pick up girls.
How do you know that? I I'm already there.
Vanessa? How are you doing, Hugo? I am doing just fine.
I am construct I am constructing an anti-virus and as soon as we have that artifact That's your department, Artie.
We should be able to cure everyone afflicted.
That's great, thanks.
Based on the rate of deterioration of the previous victims, everyone in this store has less than six hours to live.
Including Hugo.
This is the last place to record an artifact disturbance.
Richard Nixon's shoes are gone.
So, I don't know, maybe I put them on so I could lie to Steve without him knowing? We have to find them.
And none of these, none of these explain what happened between us.
Look, we aren't the first platonic friends to ever get wasted and end up in bed together.
I would never do that! I God, I don't think of you that way.
I don't think of you that way, either.
It's just, you're my partner and my best friend, okay? And nothing's going to change that.
Not even us having sex and forgetting about it, okay? So let's just forget about it.
Deal? Deal.
All right.
Okay.
I found Steve.
Wow, what is this place? This is the Bronze Sector.
Where we bronze stuff.
Mykes, Mykes, oh, my God, have you seen them? Where are they? I can't find them.
Can't find what? I put some shoes in here His favorite shoes.
My favorite shoes.
Uh, those? And we were looking You found them! You found my shoes.
You are so smart.
Dude! That is amazing.
Ahhh! You want me to get them? I'll Sure, would you? That's so awesome.
Woo-hoo! What is this? Pete.
What is this, man.
This is not cool.
Don't worry, dude.
You'll thank me.
Why? Because Probably not! Oh, oh.
I should have told him to smile.
That's okay, I'll take a picture.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, now do me.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, let's change him back.
Okay.
Okay.
What's that? A spit lock! What? It reads the DNA in your spit.
Cool.
Sample one denied.
Sample two denied.
Let's do it together.
Let's try it together.
Yeah, I Denied, denied, denied.
Oh, my God, my hair.
DNA! I knew there was a reason I had his toothbrush! And I am so glad it wasn't the reason I thought.
Does anybody mind shopping in the dark? Answer Hugo? You all right? Oh Thank you.
Oh, it seems I'm about to give new meaning to the phrase "dirt nap.
" You're not going to die, Hugo.
We're going to figure this thing out.
I know.
I've got a lot to live for.
You know, when I was in the sanitarium I apparently drew the same picture every single day.
I found one of them in my wallet after you restored my mind last year.
There.
Ah.
So much time lost.
If I had it all back, I'd spend every second of it with her.
You'd be a fool not to.
Did you ever find someone, Artie? Emet.
Oh, I didn't realize you were a homosexual.
Em Are you what they call a bear? No, I don't mean Emet the man, I'm talking about emet, look, emet.
The Hebrew word for truth.
It's on his necklace.
What does it mean? It means that what we are facing is the artifact that's behind the Jewish myth of the Golem.
The rabbi, Judah Loew, wanted to save the Jews of the ghetto from pogroms so he constructed, he created a creature, a Golem Hugo.
Entirely made of clay.
And he put the word emet, truth, on the Golem's forehead to bring it to life.
Animating the inanimate.
And I think maybe the necklace is making the computer virus come to life exactly the same as the Golem.
Somehow, I think that the myth and the virus got mixed up together so that when he uses the virus on people's computers Turned them to clay.
Well thought out, Artie.
It's the necklace.
I got him.
Oh, my God.
Hey, hey, hey.
What the hell are you doing? Oh, my God.
He's got a gun! Take it easy.
Whatever this is, I am not going to die from it.
Something in here is making us sick and you are keeping us in here with it.
It's for your own safety.
I'll decide what's safe for me.
Use your tesla.
Claudia's got it.
Brilliant.
Colin, I can't let you leave.
I'll shoot you.
You'll have to.
Oh, my God! The doctor's got it! We've got to get out of here! Oh, God.
The virus is mutating.
It can be transmitted from person to person.
It's organic.
Obviously.
It can't get out of this store.
No, no, no.
Help! Oh, my God.
Look! Let us out! Drop the weapon! Now! Okay, all right, I'm dropping it.
Step away from the doors! This mutation's working much faster.
It's getting hard to breathe.
Okay, I'm a big enough girl to admit I'm a little scared.
We need the artifact.
I know, I know.
But she said she's got him.
She's going to be here.
We've got to finish the anti-virus.
You've got to do it now.
All right, I'll get on it.
Hang on.
Damn it.
Why are you chasing me? I'm not chasing you, I'm falling to my death! Pull me up! Thank you.
All I did was hack a few P.
C.
's to try and catch a little skin show.
That's it.
You know what, man? For all I care you could be the biggest cyber hacker since me, but I need that necklace.
Okay? It's dangerous.
What are you talking about? I don't know how to explain it to you, but it's hurting people.
It's nothing.
It's a thing that my great-uncle gave me to ward off evil spirits.
Okay, well it doesn't so much ward them off as invite them over for a play date.
Well, I didn't mean for anybody to get hurt.
Well, give me the necklace.
Maybe we can fix it.
But why would we bronze Steve? I mean, sure, he's a Boy Scout with no sense of humor, right? But we've got Nazis in here.
It explains the toothbrush, but not how we wound up in bed together.
Pete, remember? Huh? That thingy, that thingy with the juggle balls said that the juggle balls make you drunk and black out and when you black out you forget things, don't you? Oh, my God.
Holy crap, Wendy.
Oh, my God.
You are so right.
Oh, if we don't remember what happened to Mr.
Poopy-Pants, he could be lost in there forever.
Pete, quick, take off all your clothes.
What? Take them off.
Okay, sometimes, when big, when big Pete drives a truck, little Pete doesn't always stay on the road.
Yeah.
Oh.
Just waking up together wouldn't be enough.
We got into bed naked, so it would look like we slept together.
Something that would never, ever Ever happen! Something that I knew I wouldn't rest until I proved that it was false.
Which would hopefully get us to retrace our steps.
And lead us back down here.
Ready? Agent Nielsen, identified.
What was that? What did you guys do to me? What happened? What are you talking about? Where the hell have you been, Jinks? Shouldn't you be at target practice? I'm actually disappointed in you, Steve.
Shame, shame, shame.
Slacker! Z-V-26, V-8, Z-26.
Oh! What's the matter? Hugo, you got to keep working.
We need the antivirus.
Artie, I can't see.
Oh, my God, all right.
All right.
If you could just, you tell me what to do, I'll do it.
Artie, Artie, I need you to tell Vanessa something.
You can tell her yourself when you're cured.
Just tell me.
All right, Z-X.
Yes, yes.
Slash V-37.
I'm here.
I have the necklace.
How do I get this to you? Hold on.
I'm coming.
Throw it at the window.
What? Why? It'll just bounce right Claudia, just do it.
How's your fast ball? Now! Quick.
Come on.
I got it.
How? How did you get it? I got it through the window.
I used the ink well of François Villon.
and thief.
Bad poet.
Great thief.
Are you done now? Is the code finished? Yes, it's finished.
Just hit enter.
It'll disseminate the antivirus.
But Artie, curing that many people at once, there's no telling what will happen to the person wearing the artifact.
You're absolutely right.
Take care of her, Hugo.
Right.
Everyone look at the screens! Artie, you did it.
Artie? Artie.
Is this heaven? I guess not.
He didn't know about the virus, Artie.
Artie! Claudia, it's all good.
V talked to the hospital, the young woman is fine.
Oh, great.
That's wonderful.
Huh? Do we make a team? We do.
All right.
So, you got plans now? You're probably going back to Eureka? Eureka? No.
I think I've had just about enough of that town.
What? Yeah.
She spent some time there.
Every week something seems to go boom.
I think I'm going to look for something a little more sedate, a little more peaceful.
Well, I hope you're happy.
I know I'll be happy.
Wasn't this fun? Ah! It was something.
See you, Hugo.
Hey.
What? Oh.
Hey.
I have to go.
Yeah, no, I figured.
Uh, listen, I know that we had dinner plans, but I hope that you know I wish you and Hugo nothing but the best.
Well, certainly if I'm wishing him the best, I'm wishing him you because Well, no.
When I said I have to go, I mean I have to go home.
I'm going to Atlanta.
But But, you and Hugo are We are not.
We were.
And when Hugo looks at me, he sees this girl.
This young girl, she lives inside of me somewhere, but you know, she's just a small part of me now.
When you look at me, you see me.
You, sir, owe me a dinner.
A very nice dinner.
Eee! Okay, look, like I said to that girl, I never meant to hurt anybody, all right? You know, so maybe there could be some consideration like not sending me to jail.
Take it easy, kid.
Somebody wants to talk to you.
Maybe we can find a solution to your legal troubles.
Who? Like a lawyer or something? Something.
Hey, man, are you a cop or not? Used to be.
In another life.
Hello there, Tyler.
I hear you're very good with computers.
Use the siren, Marcus.
Our employer is quite anxious to meet with Tyler here.