Wasted (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
span style="color:white;"BIRDS SING/span span style="color:white;"MUSIC: The Touch by Stan Bush/span span style="color:white;"# You got the touch #/span span style="color:white;"So/span span style="color:white;"Nestonbury, we meet again.
/span span style="color:white;"# You got the power/span span style="color:white;"# Yeah! #/span span style="color:white;"HIGH PITCHED BUZZING/span span style="color:white;"# You got the touch.
#/span span style="color:white;"TRIBAL DRUMMING/span span style="color:white;".
.
you think the same freedom applies/span span style="color:white;"to somebody who has an unendurable,/span span style="color:white;"in their judgment, condition?/span span style="color:yellow;"Would you fuck Paxman?/span span style="color:cyan;"Repeatedly.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Really?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I thought you liked cool guys/span span style="color:#11FF11;"withtattoos.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Oh, I do /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"(Oh, thank God.
)/span span style="color:cyan;".
.
but Paxman is another level.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Mmm.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"The whole quizmaster vibe,/span span style="color:cyan;"how he never backs down when/span span style="color:cyan;"he knows he's right.
/span span style="color:yellow;"And you know he's packing heat.
/span span style="color:cyan;"That's why they give him such/span span style="color:cyan;"a big desk.
/span span style="color:white;"PAXMAN: You are a lover.
Borrow/span span style="color:white;"Cupid's wings and soar with them.
/span span style="color:white;"# You got the touch/span span style="color:white;"# You got the power.
#/span span style="color:white;"All right, dickheads.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"OhmyGod/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Kent effing Blackwell!/span span style="color:white;"All right, mate - lose the hard-on.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Sorry.
/span span style="color:white;"Alison.
/span span style="color:cyan;"That's where my sunglasses went!/span span style="color:white;"Nah.
Caught these in Brizzle.
/span span style="color:white;"That's what we call Bristol, there.
/span span style="color:white;"Sarah.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What? /spanspan style="color:white;"OK.
/span span style="color:white;"AnywayI'm moving back.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Right, so being a DJ/span span style="color:yellow;"worked out, then?/span span style="color:white;"Yeah, totally fucking worked out.
/span span style="color:yellow;"So much so you've come back home?/span span style="color:white;"Yeah.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Wow.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"A real live DJ living in Nestonbury.
/span span style="color:white;"I know, mate.
Get used to it.
/span span style="color:white;"HE LAUGHS/span span style="color:white;"Come for the old room back.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Mate, you can stay/span span style="color:#11FF11;"as long as you like.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Oh, he can, can he?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Er, it's my shop too!/span span style="color:white;"Chill out, Alan Sugar.
/span span style="color:white;"I can pay the rent.
/span span style="color:white;"Soon as I get my job back/span span style="color:white;"at Bird Zone.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Will they have you back, though?/span span style="color:cyan;"Didn't you give a pelican some acid?/span span style="color:white;"Yeah.
/span span style="color:white;"Tried to fuck a buzzard.
/span span style="color:white;"HE SNORTS/span span style="color:white;"MUSIC: Party Up by DMX/span span style="color:white;"# Woo!/span span style="color:white;"Y'all gon' make me lose my mind/span span style="color:white;"# Up in here, up in here/span span style="color:white;"# Y'all gon' make me go #/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Things are going to be/span span style="color:#11FF11;"so epic now Kent's back.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You are such a gimp for him.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"No.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"He's my oldest friend and he's/span span style="color:#11FF11;"always had my back.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Like that time he melted all/span span style="color:yellow;"your Warhammer figures?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Yeah, to teach me how sad they were.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Look, Kent's all right.
/span span style="color:cyan;"You're just being all Dawson's Creek/span span style="color:cyan;"about it because you two/span span style="color:yellow;"Were fucking pissed and it/span span style="color:yellow;"didn't mean anything.
/span span style="color:cyan;"OK/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Any change, then?/span span style="color:white;"From a tenner?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"That's fine.
/span span style="color:white;"Mmm/span span style="color:white;"So what have you chumps been up to?/span span style="color:white;"Still coming here every night and/span span style="color:white;"doing the pub quiz on a Thursday?/span span style="color:yellow;"No.
The/span span style="color:yellow;"pub quiz was cancelled because/span span style="color:yellow;"a lot of the same questions/span span style="color:yellow;"started coming up.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF1 span style="color:#11FF11;"Mostly about Nazis.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Even the music round.
/span span style="color:yellow;"And the picture round.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"And the/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Nazi round.
/span span style="color:white;"So, just kicking round/span span style="color:white;"the shop, then?/span span style="color:white;"Thought you were going to India?/span span style="color:yellow;"I am.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I'm just saving up.
/span span style="color:white;"KENT SNORTS/span span style="color:white;"Obviously doesn't want to go, then.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Obviously.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah, fucking do, actually.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Especially now you're back.
/spanspan style="co span style="color:white;"Well, to get my decks I sold pills.
/span span style="color:white;"Probably a bit hardcore for you,/span span style="color:white;"though.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Yea span style="color:yellow;"No.
/span span style="color:yellow;"No, I'mI'm well hardcore.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I'dI'd sell pills.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I just don't know anyone that/span span style="color:yellow;"could, like, hook me up.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I do.
Want me to text my dealer?/span span style="color:yellow;"No, no, no - don't worry about it.
/span span style="color:yellow;"It's cool /spanspan style="color:cya span style="color:yellow;"Brilliant.
/span span style="color:white;"KENT LAUGHS/span span style="color:white;"Got to through with it now.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"Yeah.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Sooner the better, mate.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Whoa, whoa, come on, guys.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"It's the first time we've all been/span span style="color:#11FF11;"together in over a year.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"We should celebrate that.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"With a proper old-school/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Neston big one.
/span span style="color:white;"MUSIC: Bangarang by Skrillex/span span style="color:white;"# Still ain't got my marbles.
#/span span style="color:white;"Great night.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Great night.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Classic Neston.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Standard.
/span span style="color:white;"# Still ain't got my marbles.
#/span span style="color:white;"Oh, come on, mate.
/span span style="color:white;"It's only fucking Bird Zone.
/span span style="color:white;"All right, Jason.
Bye.
/span span style="color:white;"Twat.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Got your job back, then?/span span style="color:white;"They want me to come in for an/span span style="color:white;"interview, which is bollocks,/span span style="color:white;"cos I know for a fact that Danny's/span span style="color:white;"got his GCSE mocks coming up,/span span style="color:white;"so they definitely need cover.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Well, they'd be lucky to have you.
/span span style="color:white;"Thanks, mate.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"All right, Morph.
/span span style="color:cyan;"A new needle's span style="color:cyan;"I say new - I got it off eBay/span span style="color:cyan;"so it might be a bit wonky.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"OK.
What?/span span style="color:cyan;"And it's going in your spine so/span span style="color:cyan;"breathe in.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"A span style="color:#11FF11;"Nyyaaah.
/span span style="color:white;"HE STRAINS AGAINST THE PAIN/span span style="color:white;"'Morpheus'/span span style="color:white;"'Morpheus'/span span style="color:white;"'.
.
listen'/span span style="color:white;"THUNDER ROLLS/span span style="color:white;"'Morpheus!'/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Aargh!/span span style="color:white;"Greetings, Morpheus.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"(Sean Bean!)/span span style="color:white;"No.
Not actually Sean Bean.
/span span style="color:white;"I am your subconscious mind,/span span style="color:white;"manifesting itself into the/span span style="color:white;"form you trust the most.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Makes sense.
/span span style="color:white;"I am your spirit guide.
/span span style="color:white;"And I have a gift from the/span span style="color:white;"spirit world.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Really?/span span style="color:white;"Come closer.
/span span style="color:white;"Don't be shy.
/span span style="color:white;"Come closer.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Agh!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"What was that?/span span style="color:white;"A wake-up call, lad.
/span span style="color:white;"You've been a right donkey about/span span style="color:white;"this Alison lass.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Don't Don't have feelings/span span style="color:#11FF11;"for Alison.
/span span style="color:white;"So you've never dreamed/span span style="color:white;"about taking her to/span span style="color:white;"the top of the Empire State building/span span style="color:white;"on Valentine's Day,/span span style="color:white;"waiting till everyone's gone/span span style="color:white;"and then losing your virginity/span span style="color:white;"up against the 10 pence telescope?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Hey, I-I lost my virginity/span span style="color:#11FF11;"when I was 15.
/span span style="color:white;"You can't lie to me, lad.
/span span style="color:white;"I'm in your head, Morpheus.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Yeah, well, you weren't there then,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"because I was on my French exchange.
/spa span style="color:white;"Look, I think we've got off on/span span style="color:white;"the wrong foot.
/span span style="color:white;"Take a stump.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Ah/span span style="color:white;"This tattoo you're getting -/span span style="color:white;"what's it even of? /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"It's a/span span style="color:#11FF11;"1:5000 scale map of/span span style="color:#11FF11;"the land of Westeros.
/span span style="color:white;"Why you getting that?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Because I like Game Of Thrones.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Obvs.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Well, you're pussyfooting/span span style="color:white;"around it, span style="color:white;"If you want a shot with this Alison/span span style="color:white;"you've got to be more assertive.
/span span style="color:white;"You know? Confident.
/span span style="color:white;"Like Paxman.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"What is it with everyone and Paxman?/span span style="color:white;"Just something about him.
/span span style="color:white;"He never backs down when/span span style="color:white;"he knows he's right.
/span span style="color:white;"And you know he's packing heat.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Sean?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"(Can I call you Ned?)/span span style="color:white;"Fuck off.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"No/span span style="color:#11FF11;"No, wait, Sean/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Sean/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Sean!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"SEAN!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Sean!/span span style="color:cyan;"Oh, shit - I've written "Sean" now.
/span span style="color:white;"MUSIC: Dr Greenthumb by Cypress Hill/span span style="color:white;"# Hello my name is Dr Greenthumb/span span style="color:cyan;"# Hello/span span style="color:white;"# I'd like to tell you/span span style="color:white;"just where I'm from/span span style="color:white;"# In the hills #/span span style="color:yellow;"So/span span style="color:yellow;"what's the name of this/span span style="color:yellow;"dealer, anyway?/span span style="color:cyan;"Supplier.
/span span style="color:cyan;"He deals to the dealers.
/span span style="color:cyan;"His shit's so pure/span span style="color:cyan;"they call him The Holy Man.
/span span style="color:yellow;"OK.
/span span style="color:yellow;"And what's the punishment, again,/span span style="color:yellow;"if you're caught selling pills?/span span style="color:cyan;"Dunno about the police,/span span style="color:cyan;"but when my mum caught me she made/span span style="color:cyan;"me eat all of them.
/span span style="color:cyan;"With her.
/span span style="color:white;"DOORBELL RINGS/span span style="color:cyan;"At Glastonbury.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You know,/span span style="color:yellow;"II might just wait outside.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You know?/span span style="color:yellow;"Keep watch, in case there's a/span span style="color:yellow;"raid.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"You get your shit together!/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah, sorry span style="color:cyan;"I am taking a big risk, bringing you/span span style="color:cyan;"here, so justbe cool.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Becool.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Got it.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Hi, June.
/span span style="color:cyan;"We're here to see The Holy Man.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"He's upstairs.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"CHRIS!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"ALISON'S HERE!/span span style="color:white;"All right /spanspan style="color:cyan;"Hiya.
/span span style="color:cyan;"This is Sarah.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What up?/span span style="color:white;"Oh/span span style="color:white;"So you WERE serious about a/span span style="color:white;"menage a/span span style="color:white;".
.
three.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"No.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Well, maybe.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Not now.
/span span style="color:white;"Huh.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Nice turtle.
/span span style="color:white;"Nah.
/span span style="color:cyan;"She's looking to score.
/span span style="color:white;"Yeah, OK.
/span span style="color:white;"It's/span span style="color:white;"the only place Mum won't look.
/span span style="color:white;"FLESHLIGHT POPS/span span style="color:cyan;"You not got any pills left?/span span style="color:white;"No, no, we finished them,/span span style="color:white;"didn't we? When we/span span style="color:cyan;"At that christening.
/span span style="color:white;"Mmm.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"Mmm.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Oh/span span style="color:white;"Wasted trip.
/span span style="color:white;"Want to smoke a spliff?/span span style="color:cyan;"Boom.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Boom.
/span span style="color:white;"Boom.
/span span style="color:white;"Erm, wait there.
/span span style="color:white;"Got to smoke it out the window/span span style="color:white;"otherwise she'll disconnect/span span style="color:white;"my Sky box.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Oh.
/span span style="color:yellow;"So what's the deal with you two?/span span style="color:yellow;"Are you like/span span style="color:yellow;"having sex?/span span style="color:cyan;"I wouldn't call it sex,/span span style="color:cyan;"but fluids are exchanged.
/span span style="color:white;"If you did want to get some pills,/span span style="color:white;"you could always find/span span style="color:white;".
.
the stash.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What's/span span style="color:yellow;"the stash?/span span style="color:white;"Back in the '90s,/span span style="color:white;"there was a festival,/span span style="color:white;"down in Cox's Meadow, called/span span style="color:white;".
.
Orbital.
/span span style="color:white;"No, wait - Orbital played there.
/span span style="color:white;"Festival was called/span span style="color:white;"The Chemical Brothers.
/span span style="color:white;"Anyway, right,/span span style="color:white;"there was this bunch of dealers.
/span span style="color:white;"They wanted to knock out their/span span style="color:white;"pills at the festival,/span span style="color:white;"but they knew they'd never get them/span span style="color:white;"past security.
/span span style="color:white;"So they formed a plan.
/span span style="color:white;"One week before the festival,/span span style="color:white;"they went into the middle/span span style="color:white;"of Cox's Meadow,/span span style="color:white;"and buried this/span span style="color:white;"fat stash of bangers,/span span style="color:white;"right in the middle of the field.
/span span style="color:white;"The festival/span span style="color:white;"was built up around them.
/span span style="color:white;"They bought their tickets.
/span span style="color:white;"Walked straight in.
/span span style="color:white;"Planned to dig them up/span span style="color:white;"and sell them.
/span span style="color:white;"(But they never dug them up.
)/span span style="color:cyan;"Because they were murdered?/span span style="color:white;"No.
Cos they were murdered!/span span style="color:yellow;"What?/span span style="color:white;"Wait, no - that's what you/span span style="color:white;"just said.
No/span span style="color:white;"got mangled on some old speed -/span span style="color:white;"forgot they'd done it.
/span span style="color:white;"Rumour has it/span span style="color:white;"they're still buried there/span span style="color:white;".
.
waiting.
/span span style="color:white;"So, let's talk Bird Zone.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Kent, I want to take you back,/span span style="color:yellow;"but things at Bird Zone/span span style="color:yellow;"are a bit different now.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You can't just smoke weed in the/span span style="color:yellow;"staffroom any more.
/span span style="color:white;"So it's just like an outside only/span span style="color:white;"thing.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"No, span style="color:yellow;"you're not allowed to be boxed.
/span span style="color:white;"What if you didn't see me get/span span style="color:white;"stoned,/span span style="color:white;"and I got deodorant and shit?/span span style="color:yellow;"I'd have to tell Carol.
/span span style="color:white;"What happened to you, man?/span span style="color:white;"You're just sucking corporate/span span style="color:white;"dick now.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I want to vouch for you,/span span style="color:yellow;"but after the Pelican thing/span span style="color:white;"Jason, I didn't know it was acid.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You did though, didn't you?/span span style="color:yellow;"You told everyone you were going to/span span style="color:yellow;"do it and you filmed it.
/span span style="color:white;"Yeah, because it was fucking funny.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah, it was funny!/span span style="color:white;"So are you going to give me them/span span style="color:white;"shifts?/span span style="color:yellow;"I'll have to speak to Carol/span span style="color:yellow;"about it.
/span span style="color:white;"Fucking hell.
Jason's turned/span span style="color:white;"into a massive shaft.
/span span style="color:cyan;"You're taking the job though, right?/span span style="color:white;"Making him sweat.
/span span style="color:white;"Sarah wants a hand with them pills/span span style="color:white;"anyway.
What's all this?/span span style="color:cyan;"I'm resurrecting Neston's/span span style="color:cyan;"premier pub quiz.
/span span style="color:cyan;"And I want all of you to come.
/span span style="color:cyan;"It is going to be insane.
/span span style="color:cyan;"The first letter of every bonus/span span style="color:cyan;"answer spells out a secret word.
/span span style="color:white;"Star Wars?/span span style="color:cyan;"No.
/span span style="color:white;"You know, Alison's not going to/span span style="color:white;"shag you just because you're/span span style="color:white;"doing a pub quiz.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"What?/span span style="color:cyan;"Where the hell are you getting that/span span style="color:cyan;"from?/span span style="color:white;"So, you are not doing this to/span span style="color:white;"be like Paxman,/span span style="color:white;"because you know she fancies Paxman?/span span style="color:cyan;"No, that's gibberish.
/span span style="color:white;"So, you're just doing a pub quiz for/span span style="color:white;"no reason? /spanspan style="color:cyan;" span style="color:white;"Are they new shoes?/span span style="color:cyan;"Might be.
/span span style="color:white;"For no reason?/span span style="color:cyan;"For no reason!/span span style="color:white;"Come on, you silly sausage.
Let's go/span span style="color:white;"dig up some drugs from the past.
/span span style="color:white;"# Attention, please/span span style="color:white;"Attention, please, motherfuckers.
#/span span style="color:white;"Can I just say? Digging is shit.
/span span style="color:white;"Did the Holy Man give any detail?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"He just said they were under/span span style="color:#11FF11;"a tree.
/span span style="color:white;"Oh, for fuck's sake.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Yeah, I know, but it's obviously/span span style="color:#11FF11;"this one.
/spanspan style="color:white;" span style="color:yellow;"Oh, just shut up and keep digging.
/span span style="color:white;"It's all right for you,/span span style="color:white;"you've got a spade.
/span span style="color:white;"I've got thisdwarf/span span style="color:white;"whatever that is.
/span span style="color:yellow;"If we swap spades,/span span style="color:yellow;"will you stop bitching?/span span style="color:white;"No, I'd rather keep bitching.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Yeah, guys, it's nearly six.
/span span style="color:cyan;"It's time to wrap this up.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Why? /spanspan style="color:cyan;"Pub quiz.
/spa span style="color:cyan;"You said you'd all come and watch/span span style="color:cyan;"me be the quizmaster.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah, I only said that so you'd help/span span style="color:yellow;"with the digging.
/spanspan style="col span style="color:cyan;"Alison, you love a quiz, don't you?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Er/span span style="color:cyan;"I'll have to hurry you.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Don't know.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Is it any good? /spanspan style="color:cyan;"Yes.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Come on, Kent, back me up span style="color:white;"Mmm/span span style="color:cyan;"So, it's betrayal.
You're just/span span style="color:cyan;"a bunch of Lando Calrissians.
/span span style="color:white;"Oh, easy, mate.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I'm going to start walking/span span style="color:cyan;"to the pub.
/span span style="color:cyan;"And you've got a choice -/span span style="color:cyan;"you can follow me or stay here on/span span style="color:cyan;"a fool's errand, digging up defunct/span span style="color:cyan;"bangers from the '90s.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Whatever you think is the right/span span style="color:cyan;"thing to do.
/span span style="color:white;"DRAMATIC MUSIC/span span style="color:white;"DRAMATIC MUSIC/span span style="color:white;"DRAMATIC MUSIC/span span style="color:white;"DRAMATIC MUSIC/span span style="color:cyan;"You're never going to find them!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"They look gnarly.
/spanspan style="color:white;"'90s pills,/span span style="color:white;"mate.
Suppose span style="color:yellow;"Some of them have got mould on them.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What kind of mould grows on Ecstasy?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Fucking trippy mould, mate.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Look, guys, I'm not sure about this.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What if we kill someone?/span span style="color:yellow;"I don't think I could live with/span span style="color:yellow;"that on my conscience.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Holy Man says you get over it.
/span span style="color:white;"Well, I bet you're fucking chuffed.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What?/span span style="color:white;"Well, you can't sell the pills, so/span span style="color:white;"once again you can't go to India.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Come on, Kenty, who's going to buy/span span style="color:yellow;"these?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Mick the Druid?/span span style="color:white;"He probably would, actually.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Came to your senses then?/span span style="color:yellow;"Sorry, what?/span span style="color:cyan;"Oh, my fucking God, pub quiz!/span span style="color:yellow;"Oh, yeah.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Oh, yeah, totally.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Fuck's sake, a pound in the pot.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Why? You going to strip for us?/span span style="color:white;"ALL: Sorry.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Found them, then? /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Yeah, just working/span span style="color:#11FF11;"out wh span style="color:white;"Yeah, because your sister is being/span span style="color:white;"a massive nerd about it.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Fuck off, they're covered in/span span style="color:yellow;"mould.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You have no idea what they're going/span span style="color:yellow;"to do to someone.
/spanspan style="colo span style="color:yellow;"What? /spanspan style="color:cyan;"If there's mould, there's/span span style="color:cyan;"water, which span style="color:cyan;"will have leached out and rendered/span span style="color:cyan;"the tablets totally inert.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What are you saying?/span span style="color:cyan;"Well, they've been there 20 years.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I mean, they're complex long/span span style="color:cyan;"chain molecules.
/span span style="color:cyan;"They would have completely/span span style="color:cyan;"denatured.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I mean, it's basic organic/span span style="color:cyan;"chemistry.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Wow, good knowledge.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Yeah, well/span span style="color:cyan;"I know a lot of facts, Alison.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Well, are you sure they won't work,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"like, a little bit? /spanspan style=" span style="color:cyan;"Watch.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Mate, don't even do that.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Why, they're completely harmless.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Right, that's enough now.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"He seems pretty confident.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I'll show you confidence.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Here we go.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Bosh.
Bosh.
Bosh.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Stop taking Ecstasy! /spanspan style="color:cyan;"Shan't.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Bosh.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Mate, stop it.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"You stop it!/span span style="color:cyan;"Bosh.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Bosh! /spanspan style="color:white;"Jesus Christ.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Everyone calm down, yeah?/s span style="color:cyan;"They're not going to work.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I know the science.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I read it on the British/span span style="color:cyan;"Pharmacological Society website.
/span span style="color:cyan;"And I'll prove it.
/span span style="color:white;"Morph, you're not holding your/span span style="color:white;"phone.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I know.
/span span style="color:cyan;"It's Chalky.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"That's a pint of coins, mate.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Got it.
/span span style="color:cyan;"OK, guys, welcome.
/span span style="color:cyan;"My name is Morpheus and I'll be your/span span style="color:cyan;"quizmaster this evening.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Can I get a glass of water up here,/span span style="color:cyan;"please?/span span style="color:cyan;"Now, I appreciate the spirit, but/span span style="color:cyan;"can we keep the team names clean?/span span style="color:cyan;"As I do have to read them out.
/span span style="color:cyan;"We could just about get away with/span span style="color:cyan;""Quiz In My Pants",/span span style="color:cyan;"but new name, please, for -/span span style="color:cyan;""My name's Morpheus and I have/span span style="color:cyan;"a boner, especially when I look at/span span span style="color:cyan;"Ah!/span span style="color:cyan;"That's better.
/span span style="color:cyan;"So, let's get started with/span span style="color:cyan;"Round One.
/span span style="color:white;"HE SLURS: /spanspan style="color:cyan;"Round One.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Sorry, my tongue is hot, hot.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Fuck it, Morph.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Uh, I'll just check my notes.
/span span style="color:white;"SQUEAKY VOICE: Jeremy Paxman!/span span style="color:cyan;"Won't be needing those.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I do it from/span span style="color:cyan;"Which capital city is/span span style="color:cyan;"Manchester United?/span span style="color:white;"# Eezer/span span style="color:white;"# Eezer/span span style="color:white;"# Eezer/span span style="color:white;"# Eezer/span span style="color:white;"# Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode/span span style="color:white;"He's Ebeneezer Goode/span span style="color:white;"# Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode/span span style="color:white;"He's Ebeneezer Goode/span span style="color:white;"# Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode/span span style="color:white;"He's Ebeneezer Goode.
#/span span style="color:white;"HE MUMBLES "EEZER GOODE"/span span style="color:cyan;"Fucking hell.
/span span style="color:cyan;"The Great Wall of China is/span span style="color:cyan;"at which wall?/span span style="color:cyan;"Answer the question, you/span span style="color:white;"MIC BLEEPS/span span style="color:white;"China, China.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"Yeah.
/span span style="color:cyan;"What is my grandmother's maiden/span span style="color:cyan;"name?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Morpheus.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Morpheus.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Morpheus.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Morpheus.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Pull yourself together, lad.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I can't, Sean.
/span span style="color:cyan;"My head is broken.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Remember, what would Paxman do?/span span style="color:white;"DRAMATIC MUSIC/span span style="color:white;"HE WHIMPERS/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Mate? /spanspan style="color:cyan;"OK, this is a starter for 10.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Music Round.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Just a snippet.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Snippet.
Music.
Write it down.
/span span style="color:white;"# No reason, just seems so pleasing/span span style="color:white;"# Gonna make you, make you,/span span style="color:white;"make you notice/span span style="color:white;"# Gonna use my arms/span span style="color:white;"# Gonna use my legs/span span style="color:white;"# Gonna use my style/span span style="color:white;"# Gonna use my sidestep/span span style="color:white;"# Gonna use my fingers #/span span style="color:cyan;"Gonna take this off now.
/span span style="color:white;"# My imagination.
#/span span style="color:cyan;"Come on.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What is happening? /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Wow, wow.
/span span style="color:white;"SCREAMING/span span style="color:white;"That's enough!/span span style="color:white;"INDISTINCT SHOUTING/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Take it away!/span span style="color:yellow;"Oh, my God.
It burns.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Where am I? Where am I?/span span style="color:white;"Get in there now.
Get in there.
/span span style="color:white;"You need to chunder right now.
/span span style="color:cyan;"No, Kent, I need to go out there and/span span style="color:cyan;"tell the world how I feel.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I've never felt so in love.
/span span style="color:white;"Yeah, because you've had ten pills/span span style="color:white;"from the '90s,/span span style="color:white;"and tried wanking off/span span style="color:white;"in front of a pub.
/span span style="color:cyan;"You're standing in the way of love,/span span style="color:cyan;"mate.
/span span style="color:white;"I'm stopping you making a prick of/span span style="color:white;"yourself.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Sarah's right about you.
/span span style="color:cyan;"You've never had my back,/span span style="color:cyan;"have you? I'm going out there.
/span span style="color:white;"Tactical chunder, come on!/span span style="color:white;"Let the demons out! /spanspan style="color:cyan;" span style="color:white;"Throw up.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"Never!/span span style="color:white;"Go on, stare at the piss.
/span span style="color:white;"Let the piss do the work.
/span span style="color:cyan;"This is a beautiful moment, Kent.
/span span style="color:cyan;"This is what I missed.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Right.
/span span style="color:white;"I'm going in manually.
/span span style="color:white;"HE GARGLES/span span style="color:white;"What the fuck are you doing?/span span style="color:cyan;"Bonding.
I thought that was what we/span span style="color:cyan;"were playing at.
/span span style="color:white;"What?/span span style="color:white;"Occupied!/span span style="color:yellow;"Oh, sorry.
/span span style="color:white;"Oh, wait, Jason.
/span span style="color:white;"Did you talk to Carol?/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah.
She said she'dput you on/span span style="color:yellow;"probation.
/span span style="color:white;"Probation? That's bullshit.
/span span style="color:yellow;"She says you'reunpredictable.
/span span style="color:white;"Where the fuck did she get that/span span style="color:white;"from?/span span style="color:yellow;"I don't know.
/span span style="color:white;"HE RETCHES/span span style="color:white;"There we go.
Good boy.
/span span style="color:white;"Tell her I'll think about it.
/span span style="color:white;"There we go.
OK.
Easy.
Easy.
/span span style="color:cyan;"So glad you're back, mate.
/span span style="color:white;"No India, then? /spanspan style="color:yellow;"Nope.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I might just stay here,/span span style="color:yellow;"pretend I'm a DJ.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Oh, I forgot you used to wear/span span style="color:#11FF11;"bindis.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You kept that? /spanspan style="color:white;"Yeah, for a roach.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Morph?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Fancy a hit?/span span style="color:cyan;"No.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I'm flying through space at 1,000/span span style="color:cyan;"miles an hour.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"How about a blow back?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Come on.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I'll put the spliff into my mouth,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"we press lips,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"and I gently blow the smoke/span span style="color:#11FF11;"into yours.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I will do that.
/span
/span span style="color:white;"# You got the power/span span style="color:white;"# Yeah! #/span span style="color:white;"HIGH PITCHED BUZZING/span span style="color:white;"# You got the touch.
#/span span style="color:white;"TRIBAL DRUMMING/span span style="color:white;".
.
you think the same freedom applies/span span style="color:white;"to somebody who has an unendurable,/span span style="color:white;"in their judgment, condition?/span span style="color:yellow;"Would you fuck Paxman?/span span style="color:cyan;"Repeatedly.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Really?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I thought you liked cool guys/span span style="color:#11FF11;"withtattoos.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Oh, I do /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"(Oh, thank God.
)/span span style="color:cyan;".
.
but Paxman is another level.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Mmm.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"The whole quizmaster vibe,/span span style="color:cyan;"how he never backs down when/span span style="color:cyan;"he knows he's right.
/span span style="color:yellow;"And you know he's packing heat.
/span span style="color:cyan;"That's why they give him such/span span style="color:cyan;"a big desk.
/span span style="color:white;"PAXMAN: You are a lover.
Borrow/span span style="color:white;"Cupid's wings and soar with them.
/span span style="color:white;"# You got the touch/span span style="color:white;"# You got the power.
#/span span style="color:white;"All right, dickheads.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"OhmyGod/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Kent effing Blackwell!/span span style="color:white;"All right, mate - lose the hard-on.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Sorry.
/span span style="color:white;"Alison.
/span span style="color:cyan;"That's where my sunglasses went!/span span style="color:white;"Nah.
Caught these in Brizzle.
/span span style="color:white;"That's what we call Bristol, there.
/span span style="color:white;"Sarah.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What? /spanspan style="color:white;"OK.
/span span style="color:white;"AnywayI'm moving back.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Right, so being a DJ/span span style="color:yellow;"worked out, then?/span span style="color:white;"Yeah, totally fucking worked out.
/span span style="color:yellow;"So much so you've come back home?/span span style="color:white;"Yeah.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Wow.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"A real live DJ living in Nestonbury.
/span span style="color:white;"I know, mate.
Get used to it.
/span span style="color:white;"HE LAUGHS/span span style="color:white;"Come for the old room back.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Mate, you can stay/span span style="color:#11FF11;"as long as you like.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Oh, he can, can he?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Er, it's my shop too!/span span style="color:white;"Chill out, Alan Sugar.
/span span style="color:white;"I can pay the rent.
/span span style="color:white;"Soon as I get my job back/span span style="color:white;"at Bird Zone.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Will they have you back, though?/span span style="color:cyan;"Didn't you give a pelican some acid?/span span style="color:white;"Yeah.
/span span style="color:white;"Tried to fuck a buzzard.
/span span style="color:white;"HE SNORTS/span span style="color:white;"MUSIC: Party Up by DMX/span span style="color:white;"# Woo!/span span style="color:white;"Y'all gon' make me lose my mind/span span style="color:white;"# Up in here, up in here/span span style="color:white;"# Y'all gon' make me go #/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Things are going to be/span span style="color:#11FF11;"so epic now Kent's back.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You are such a gimp for him.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"No.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"He's my oldest friend and he's/span span style="color:#11FF11;"always had my back.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Like that time he melted all/span span style="color:yellow;"your Warhammer figures?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Yeah, to teach me how sad they were.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Look, Kent's all right.
/span span style="color:cyan;"You're just being all Dawson's Creek/span span style="color:cyan;"about it because you two/span span style="color:yellow;"Were fucking pissed and it/span span style="color:yellow;"didn't mean anything.
/span span style="color:cyan;"OK/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Any change, then?/span span style="color:white;"From a tenner?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"That's fine.
/span span style="color:white;"Mmm/span span style="color:white;"So what have you chumps been up to?/span span style="color:white;"Still coming here every night and/span span style="color:white;"doing the pub quiz on a Thursday?/span span style="color:yellow;"No.
The/span span style="color:yellow;"pub quiz was cancelled because/span span style="color:yellow;"a lot of the same questions/span span style="color:yellow;"started coming up.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF1 span style="color:#11FF11;"Mostly about Nazis.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Even the music round.
/span span style="color:yellow;"And the picture round.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"And the/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Nazi round.
/span span style="color:white;"So, just kicking round/span span style="color:white;"the shop, then?/span span style="color:white;"Thought you were going to India?/span span style="color:yellow;"I am.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I'm just saving up.
/span span style="color:white;"KENT SNORTS/span span style="color:white;"Obviously doesn't want to go, then.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Obviously.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah, fucking do, actually.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Especially now you're back.
/spanspan style="co span style="color:white;"Well, to get my decks I sold pills.
/span span style="color:white;"Probably a bit hardcore for you,/span span style="color:white;"though.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Yea span style="color:yellow;"No.
/span span style="color:yellow;"No, I'mI'm well hardcore.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I'dI'd sell pills.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I just don't know anyone that/span span style="color:yellow;"could, like, hook me up.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I do.
Want me to text my dealer?/span span style="color:yellow;"No, no, no - don't worry about it.
/span span style="color:yellow;"It's cool /spanspan style="color:cya span style="color:yellow;"Brilliant.
/span span style="color:white;"KENT LAUGHS/span span style="color:white;"Got to through with it now.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"Yeah.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Sooner the better, mate.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Whoa, whoa, come on, guys.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"It's the first time we've all been/span span style="color:#11FF11;"together in over a year.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"We should celebrate that.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"With a proper old-school/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Neston big one.
/span span style="color:white;"MUSIC: Bangarang by Skrillex/span span style="color:white;"# Still ain't got my marbles.
#/span span style="color:white;"Great night.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Great night.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Classic Neston.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Standard.
/span span style="color:white;"# Still ain't got my marbles.
#/span span style="color:white;"Oh, come on, mate.
/span span style="color:white;"It's only fucking Bird Zone.
/span span style="color:white;"All right, Jason.
Bye.
/span span style="color:white;"Twat.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Got your job back, then?/span span style="color:white;"They want me to come in for an/span span style="color:white;"interview, which is bollocks,/span span style="color:white;"cos I know for a fact that Danny's/span span style="color:white;"got his GCSE mocks coming up,/span span style="color:white;"so they definitely need cover.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Well, they'd be lucky to have you.
/span span style="color:white;"Thanks, mate.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"All right, Morph.
/span span style="color:cyan;"A new needle's span style="color:cyan;"I say new - I got it off eBay/span span style="color:cyan;"so it might be a bit wonky.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"OK.
What?/span span style="color:cyan;"And it's going in your spine so/span span style="color:cyan;"breathe in.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"A span style="color:#11FF11;"Nyyaaah.
/span span style="color:white;"HE STRAINS AGAINST THE PAIN/span span style="color:white;"'Morpheus'/span span style="color:white;"'Morpheus'/span span style="color:white;"'.
.
listen'/span span style="color:white;"THUNDER ROLLS/span span style="color:white;"'Morpheus!'/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Aargh!/span span style="color:white;"Greetings, Morpheus.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"(Sean Bean!)/span span style="color:white;"No.
Not actually Sean Bean.
/span span style="color:white;"I am your subconscious mind,/span span style="color:white;"manifesting itself into the/span span style="color:white;"form you trust the most.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Makes sense.
/span span style="color:white;"I am your spirit guide.
/span span style="color:white;"And I have a gift from the/span span style="color:white;"spirit world.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Really?/span span style="color:white;"Come closer.
/span span style="color:white;"Don't be shy.
/span span style="color:white;"Come closer.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Agh!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"What was that?/span span style="color:white;"A wake-up call, lad.
/span span style="color:white;"You've been a right donkey about/span span style="color:white;"this Alison lass.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Don't Don't have feelings/span span style="color:#11FF11;"for Alison.
/span span style="color:white;"So you've never dreamed/span span style="color:white;"about taking her to/span span style="color:white;"the top of the Empire State building/span span style="color:white;"on Valentine's Day,/span span style="color:white;"waiting till everyone's gone/span span style="color:white;"and then losing your virginity/span span style="color:white;"up against the 10 pence telescope?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Hey, I-I lost my virginity/span span style="color:#11FF11;"when I was 15.
/span span style="color:white;"You can't lie to me, lad.
/span span style="color:white;"I'm in your head, Morpheus.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Yeah, well, you weren't there then,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"because I was on my French exchange.
/spa span style="color:white;"Look, I think we've got off on/span span style="color:white;"the wrong foot.
/span span style="color:white;"Take a stump.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Ah/span span style="color:white;"This tattoo you're getting -/span span style="color:white;"what's it even of? /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"It's a/span span style="color:#11FF11;"1:5000 scale map of/span span style="color:#11FF11;"the land of Westeros.
/span span style="color:white;"Why you getting that?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Because I like Game Of Thrones.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Obvs.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Well, you're pussyfooting/span span style="color:white;"around it, span style="color:white;"If you want a shot with this Alison/span span style="color:white;"you've got to be more assertive.
/span span style="color:white;"You know? Confident.
/span span style="color:white;"Like Paxman.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"What is it with everyone and Paxman?/span span style="color:white;"Just something about him.
/span span style="color:white;"He never backs down when/span span style="color:white;"he knows he's right.
/span span style="color:white;"And you know he's packing heat.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Sean?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"(Can I call you Ned?)/span span style="color:white;"Fuck off.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"No/span span style="color:#11FF11;"No, wait, Sean/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Sean/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Sean!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"SEAN!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Sean!/span span style="color:cyan;"Oh, shit - I've written "Sean" now.
/span span style="color:white;"MUSIC: Dr Greenthumb by Cypress Hill/span span style="color:white;"# Hello my name is Dr Greenthumb/span span style="color:cyan;"# Hello/span span style="color:white;"# I'd like to tell you/span span style="color:white;"just where I'm from/span span style="color:white;"# In the hills #/span span style="color:yellow;"So/span span style="color:yellow;"what's the name of this/span span style="color:yellow;"dealer, anyway?/span span style="color:cyan;"Supplier.
/span span style="color:cyan;"He deals to the dealers.
/span span style="color:cyan;"His shit's so pure/span span style="color:cyan;"they call him The Holy Man.
/span span style="color:yellow;"OK.
/span span style="color:yellow;"And what's the punishment, again,/span span style="color:yellow;"if you're caught selling pills?/span span style="color:cyan;"Dunno about the police,/span span style="color:cyan;"but when my mum caught me she made/span span style="color:cyan;"me eat all of them.
/span span style="color:cyan;"With her.
/span span style="color:white;"DOORBELL RINGS/span span style="color:cyan;"At Glastonbury.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You know,/span span style="color:yellow;"II might just wait outside.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You know?/span span style="color:yellow;"Keep watch, in case there's a/span span style="color:yellow;"raid.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"You get your shit together!/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah, sorry span style="color:cyan;"I am taking a big risk, bringing you/span span style="color:cyan;"here, so justbe cool.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Becool.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Got it.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Hi, June.
/span span style="color:cyan;"We're here to see The Holy Man.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"He's upstairs.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"CHRIS!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"ALISON'S HERE!/span span style="color:white;"All right /spanspan style="color:cyan;"Hiya.
/span span style="color:cyan;"This is Sarah.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What up?/span span style="color:white;"Oh/span span style="color:white;"So you WERE serious about a/span span style="color:white;"menage a/span span style="color:white;".
.
three.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"No.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Well, maybe.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Not now.
/span span style="color:white;"Huh.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Nice turtle.
/span span style="color:white;"Nah.
/span span style="color:cyan;"She's looking to score.
/span span style="color:white;"Yeah, OK.
/span span style="color:white;"It's/span span style="color:white;"the only place Mum won't look.
/span span style="color:white;"FLESHLIGHT POPS/span span style="color:cyan;"You not got any pills left?/span span style="color:white;"No, no, we finished them,/span span style="color:white;"didn't we? When we/span span style="color:cyan;"At that christening.
/span span style="color:white;"Mmm.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"Mmm.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Oh/span span style="color:white;"Wasted trip.
/span span style="color:white;"Want to smoke a spliff?/span span style="color:cyan;"Boom.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Boom.
/span span style="color:white;"Boom.
/span span style="color:white;"Erm, wait there.
/span span style="color:white;"Got to smoke it out the window/span span style="color:white;"otherwise she'll disconnect/span span style="color:white;"my Sky box.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Oh.
/span span style="color:yellow;"So what's the deal with you two?/span span style="color:yellow;"Are you like/span span style="color:yellow;"having sex?/span span style="color:cyan;"I wouldn't call it sex,/span span style="color:cyan;"but fluids are exchanged.
/span span style="color:white;"If you did want to get some pills,/span span style="color:white;"you could always find/span span style="color:white;".
.
the stash.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What's/span span style="color:yellow;"the stash?/span span style="color:white;"Back in the '90s,/span span style="color:white;"there was a festival,/span span style="color:white;"down in Cox's Meadow, called/span span style="color:white;".
.
Orbital.
/span span style="color:white;"No, wait - Orbital played there.
/span span style="color:white;"Festival was called/span span style="color:white;"The Chemical Brothers.
/span span style="color:white;"Anyway, right,/span span style="color:white;"there was this bunch of dealers.
/span span style="color:white;"They wanted to knock out their/span span style="color:white;"pills at the festival,/span span style="color:white;"but they knew they'd never get them/span span style="color:white;"past security.
/span span style="color:white;"So they formed a plan.
/span span style="color:white;"One week before the festival,/span span style="color:white;"they went into the middle/span span style="color:white;"of Cox's Meadow,/span span style="color:white;"and buried this/span span style="color:white;"fat stash of bangers,/span span style="color:white;"right in the middle of the field.
/span span style="color:white;"The festival/span span style="color:white;"was built up around them.
/span span style="color:white;"They bought their tickets.
/span span style="color:white;"Walked straight in.
/span span style="color:white;"Planned to dig them up/span span style="color:white;"and sell them.
/span span style="color:white;"(But they never dug them up.
)/span span style="color:cyan;"Because they were murdered?/span span style="color:white;"No.
Cos they were murdered!/span span style="color:yellow;"What?/span span style="color:white;"Wait, no - that's what you/span span style="color:white;"just said.
No/span span style="color:white;"got mangled on some old speed -/span span style="color:white;"forgot they'd done it.
/span span style="color:white;"Rumour has it/span span style="color:white;"they're still buried there/span span style="color:white;".
.
waiting.
/span span style="color:white;"So, let's talk Bird Zone.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Kent, I want to take you back,/span span style="color:yellow;"but things at Bird Zone/span span style="color:yellow;"are a bit different now.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You can't just smoke weed in the/span span style="color:yellow;"staffroom any more.
/span span style="color:white;"So it's just like an outside only/span span style="color:white;"thing.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"No, span style="color:yellow;"you're not allowed to be boxed.
/span span style="color:white;"What if you didn't see me get/span span style="color:white;"stoned,/span span style="color:white;"and I got deodorant and shit?/span span style="color:yellow;"I'd have to tell Carol.
/span span style="color:white;"What happened to you, man?/span span style="color:white;"You're just sucking corporate/span span style="color:white;"dick now.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I want to vouch for you,/span span style="color:yellow;"but after the Pelican thing/span span style="color:white;"Jason, I didn't know it was acid.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You did though, didn't you?/span span style="color:yellow;"You told everyone you were going to/span span style="color:yellow;"do it and you filmed it.
/span span style="color:white;"Yeah, because it was fucking funny.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah, it was funny!/span span style="color:white;"So are you going to give me them/span span style="color:white;"shifts?/span span style="color:yellow;"I'll have to speak to Carol/span span style="color:yellow;"about it.
/span span style="color:white;"Fucking hell.
Jason's turned/span span style="color:white;"into a massive shaft.
/span span style="color:cyan;"You're taking the job though, right?/span span style="color:white;"Making him sweat.
/span span style="color:white;"Sarah wants a hand with them pills/span span style="color:white;"anyway.
What's all this?/span span style="color:cyan;"I'm resurrecting Neston's/span span style="color:cyan;"premier pub quiz.
/span span style="color:cyan;"And I want all of you to come.
/span span style="color:cyan;"It is going to be insane.
/span span style="color:cyan;"The first letter of every bonus/span span style="color:cyan;"answer spells out a secret word.
/span span style="color:white;"Star Wars?/span span style="color:cyan;"No.
/span span style="color:white;"You know, Alison's not going to/span span style="color:white;"shag you just because you're/span span style="color:white;"doing a pub quiz.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"What?/span span style="color:cyan;"Where the hell are you getting that/span span style="color:cyan;"from?/span span style="color:white;"So, you are not doing this to/span span style="color:white;"be like Paxman,/span span style="color:white;"because you know she fancies Paxman?/span span style="color:cyan;"No, that's gibberish.
/span span style="color:white;"So, you're just doing a pub quiz for/span span style="color:white;"no reason? /spanspan style="color:cyan;" span style="color:white;"Are they new shoes?/span span style="color:cyan;"Might be.
/span span style="color:white;"For no reason?/span span style="color:cyan;"For no reason!/span span style="color:white;"Come on, you silly sausage.
Let's go/span span style="color:white;"dig up some drugs from the past.
/span span style="color:white;"# Attention, please/span span style="color:white;"Attention, please, motherfuckers.
#/span span style="color:white;"Can I just say? Digging is shit.
/span span style="color:white;"Did the Holy Man give any detail?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"He just said they were under/span span style="color:#11FF11;"a tree.
/span span style="color:white;"Oh, for fuck's sake.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Yeah, I know, but it's obviously/span span style="color:#11FF11;"this one.
/spanspan style="color:white;" span style="color:yellow;"Oh, just shut up and keep digging.
/span span style="color:white;"It's all right for you,/span span style="color:white;"you've got a spade.
/span span style="color:white;"I've got thisdwarf/span span style="color:white;"whatever that is.
/span span style="color:yellow;"If we swap spades,/span span style="color:yellow;"will you stop bitching?/span span style="color:white;"No, I'd rather keep bitching.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Yeah, guys, it's nearly six.
/span span style="color:cyan;"It's time to wrap this up.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Why? /spanspan style="color:cyan;"Pub quiz.
/spa span style="color:cyan;"You said you'd all come and watch/span span style="color:cyan;"me be the quizmaster.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah, I only said that so you'd help/span span style="color:yellow;"with the digging.
/spanspan style="col span style="color:cyan;"Alison, you love a quiz, don't you?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Er/span span style="color:cyan;"I'll have to hurry you.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Don't know.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Is it any good? /spanspan style="color:cyan;"Yes.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Come on, Kent, back me up span style="color:white;"Mmm/span span style="color:cyan;"So, it's betrayal.
You're just/span span style="color:cyan;"a bunch of Lando Calrissians.
/span span style="color:white;"Oh, easy, mate.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I'm going to start walking/span span style="color:cyan;"to the pub.
/span span style="color:cyan;"And you've got a choice -/span span style="color:cyan;"you can follow me or stay here on/span span style="color:cyan;"a fool's errand, digging up defunct/span span style="color:cyan;"bangers from the '90s.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Whatever you think is the right/span span style="color:cyan;"thing to do.
/span span style="color:white;"DRAMATIC MUSIC/span span style="color:white;"DRAMATIC MUSIC/span span style="color:white;"DRAMATIC MUSIC/span span style="color:white;"DRAMATIC MUSIC/span span style="color:cyan;"You're never going to find them!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"They look gnarly.
/spanspan style="color:white;"'90s pills,/span span style="color:white;"mate.
Suppose span style="color:yellow;"Some of them have got mould on them.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What kind of mould grows on Ecstasy?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Fucking trippy mould, mate.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Look, guys, I'm not sure about this.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What if we kill someone?/span span style="color:yellow;"I don't think I could live with/span span style="color:yellow;"that on my conscience.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Holy Man says you get over it.
/span span style="color:white;"Well, I bet you're fucking chuffed.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What?/span span style="color:white;"Well, you can't sell the pills, so/span span style="color:white;"once again you can't go to India.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Come on, Kenty, who's going to buy/span span style="color:yellow;"these?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Mick the Druid?/span span style="color:white;"He probably would, actually.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Came to your senses then?/span span style="color:yellow;"Sorry, what?/span span style="color:cyan;"Oh, my fucking God, pub quiz!/span span style="color:yellow;"Oh, yeah.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Oh, yeah, totally.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Fuck's sake, a pound in the pot.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Why? You going to strip for us?/span span style="color:white;"ALL: Sorry.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Found them, then? /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Yeah, just working/span span style="color:#11FF11;"out wh span style="color:white;"Yeah, because your sister is being/span span style="color:white;"a massive nerd about it.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Fuck off, they're covered in/span span style="color:yellow;"mould.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You have no idea what they're going/span span style="color:yellow;"to do to someone.
/spanspan style="colo span style="color:yellow;"What? /spanspan style="color:cyan;"If there's mould, there's/span span style="color:cyan;"water, which span style="color:cyan;"will have leached out and rendered/span span style="color:cyan;"the tablets totally inert.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What are you saying?/span span style="color:cyan;"Well, they've been there 20 years.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I mean, they're complex long/span span style="color:cyan;"chain molecules.
/span span style="color:cyan;"They would have completely/span span style="color:cyan;"denatured.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I mean, it's basic organic/span span style="color:cyan;"chemistry.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Wow, good knowledge.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Yeah, well/span span style="color:cyan;"I know a lot of facts, Alison.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Well, are you sure they won't work,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"like, a little bit? /spanspan style=" span style="color:cyan;"Watch.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Mate, don't even do that.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Why, they're completely harmless.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Right, that's enough now.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"He seems pretty confident.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I'll show you confidence.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Here we go.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Bosh.
Bosh.
Bosh.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Stop taking Ecstasy! /spanspan style="color:cyan;"Shan't.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Bosh.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Mate, stop it.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"You stop it!/span span style="color:cyan;"Bosh.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Bosh! /spanspan style="color:white;"Jesus Christ.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Everyone calm down, yeah?/s span style="color:cyan;"They're not going to work.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I know the science.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I read it on the British/span span style="color:cyan;"Pharmacological Society website.
/span span style="color:cyan;"And I'll prove it.
/span span style="color:white;"Morph, you're not holding your/span span style="color:white;"phone.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I know.
/span span style="color:cyan;"It's Chalky.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"That's a pint of coins, mate.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Got it.
/span span style="color:cyan;"OK, guys, welcome.
/span span style="color:cyan;"My name is Morpheus and I'll be your/span span style="color:cyan;"quizmaster this evening.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Can I get a glass of water up here,/span span style="color:cyan;"please?/span span style="color:cyan;"Now, I appreciate the spirit, but/span span style="color:cyan;"can we keep the team names clean?/span span style="color:cyan;"As I do have to read them out.
/span span style="color:cyan;"We could just about get away with/span span style="color:cyan;""Quiz In My Pants",/span span style="color:cyan;"but new name, please, for -/span span style="color:cyan;""My name's Morpheus and I have/span span style="color:cyan;"a boner, especially when I look at/span span span style="color:cyan;"Ah!/span span style="color:cyan;"That's better.
/span span style="color:cyan;"So, let's get started with/span span style="color:cyan;"Round One.
/span span style="color:white;"HE SLURS: /spanspan style="color:cyan;"Round One.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Sorry, my tongue is hot, hot.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Fuck it, Morph.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Uh, I'll just check my notes.
/span span style="color:white;"SQUEAKY VOICE: Jeremy Paxman!/span span style="color:cyan;"Won't be needing those.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I do it from/span span style="color:cyan;"Which capital city is/span span style="color:cyan;"Manchester United?/span span style="color:white;"# Eezer/span span style="color:white;"# Eezer/span span style="color:white;"# Eezer/span span style="color:white;"# Eezer/span span style="color:white;"# Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode/span span style="color:white;"He's Ebeneezer Goode/span span style="color:white;"# Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode/span span style="color:white;"He's Ebeneezer Goode/span span style="color:white;"# Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode/span span style="color:white;"He's Ebeneezer Goode.
#/span span style="color:white;"HE MUMBLES "EEZER GOODE"/span span style="color:cyan;"Fucking hell.
/span span style="color:cyan;"The Great Wall of China is/span span style="color:cyan;"at which wall?/span span style="color:cyan;"Answer the question, you/span span style="color:white;"MIC BLEEPS/span span style="color:white;"China, China.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"Yeah.
/span span style="color:cyan;"What is my grandmother's maiden/span span style="color:cyan;"name?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Morpheus.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Morpheus.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Morpheus.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Morpheus.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Pull yourself together, lad.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I can't, Sean.
/span span style="color:cyan;"My head is broken.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Remember, what would Paxman do?/span span style="color:white;"DRAMATIC MUSIC/span span style="color:white;"HE WHIMPERS/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Mate? /spanspan style="color:cyan;"OK, this is a starter for 10.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Music Round.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Just a snippet.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Snippet.
Music.
Write it down.
/span span style="color:white;"# No reason, just seems so pleasing/span span style="color:white;"# Gonna make you, make you,/span span style="color:white;"make you notice/span span style="color:white;"# Gonna use my arms/span span style="color:white;"# Gonna use my legs/span span style="color:white;"# Gonna use my style/span span style="color:white;"# Gonna use my sidestep/span span style="color:white;"# Gonna use my fingers #/span span style="color:cyan;"Gonna take this off now.
/span span style="color:white;"# My imagination.
#/span span style="color:cyan;"Come on.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What is happening? /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Wow, wow.
/span span style="color:white;"SCREAMING/span span style="color:white;"That's enough!/span span style="color:white;"INDISTINCT SHOUTING/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Take it away!/span span style="color:yellow;"Oh, my God.
It burns.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Where am I? Where am I?/span span style="color:white;"Get in there now.
Get in there.
/span span style="color:white;"You need to chunder right now.
/span span style="color:cyan;"No, Kent, I need to go out there and/span span style="color:cyan;"tell the world how I feel.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I've never felt so in love.
/span span style="color:white;"Yeah, because you've had ten pills/span span style="color:white;"from the '90s,/span span style="color:white;"and tried wanking off/span span style="color:white;"in front of a pub.
/span span style="color:cyan;"You're standing in the way of love,/span span style="color:cyan;"mate.
/span span style="color:white;"I'm stopping you making a prick of/span span style="color:white;"yourself.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Sarah's right about you.
/span span style="color:cyan;"You've never had my back,/span span style="color:cyan;"have you? I'm going out there.
/span span style="color:white;"Tactical chunder, come on!/span span style="color:white;"Let the demons out! /spanspan style="color:cyan;" span style="color:white;"Throw up.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"Never!/span span style="color:white;"Go on, stare at the piss.
/span span style="color:white;"Let the piss do the work.
/span span style="color:cyan;"This is a beautiful moment, Kent.
/span span style="color:cyan;"This is what I missed.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Right.
/span span style="color:white;"I'm going in manually.
/span span style="color:white;"HE GARGLES/span span style="color:white;"What the fuck are you doing?/span span style="color:cyan;"Bonding.
I thought that was what we/span span style="color:cyan;"were playing at.
/span span style="color:white;"What?/span span style="color:white;"Occupied!/span span style="color:yellow;"Oh, sorry.
/span span style="color:white;"Oh, wait, Jason.
/span span style="color:white;"Did you talk to Carol?/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah.
She said she'dput you on/span span style="color:yellow;"probation.
/span span style="color:white;"Probation? That's bullshit.
/span span style="color:yellow;"She says you'reunpredictable.
/span span style="color:white;"Where the fuck did she get that/span span style="color:white;"from?/span span style="color:yellow;"I don't know.
/span span style="color:white;"HE RETCHES/span span style="color:white;"There we go.
Good boy.
/span span style="color:white;"Tell her I'll think about it.
/span span style="color:white;"There we go.
OK.
Easy.
Easy.
/span span style="color:cyan;"So glad you're back, mate.
/span span style="color:white;"No India, then? /spanspan style="color:yellow;"Nope.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I might just stay here,/span span style="color:yellow;"pretend I'm a DJ.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Oh, I forgot you used to wear/span span style="color:#11FF11;"bindis.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You kept that? /spanspan style="color:white;"Yeah, for a roach.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Morph?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Fancy a hit?/span span style="color:cyan;"No.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I'm flying through space at 1,000/span span style="color:cyan;"miles an hour.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"How about a blow back?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Come on.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I'll put the spliff into my mouth,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"we press lips,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"and I gently blow the smoke/span span style="color:#11FF11;"into yours.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I will do that.
/span