Wasted (2016) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
span style="color:white;"It started at the shop -/span span style="color:white;"preloading with shots at the till.
/span span style="color:white;"Alison played tattoo ninja.
/span span style="color:white;"Kent bet he could do bong shots.
/span span style="color:white;"He said it's made him psychic.
/span span style="color:white;"I pretended to be a Jedi.
/span span style="color:white;"Alison got the sword.
/span span style="color:white;"It was time to go.
Taxi to Bath.
/span span style="color:white;"Pretended to be Heath Ledger's/span span style="color:white;"Joker.
It was fucking cool.
/span span style="color:white;"Straight into Infernos.
It was full/span span style="color:white;"of townies.
We had it anyway.
/span span style="color:white;"Two-for-one on shots.
/span span style="color:white;"Some creep hit on Alison.
/span span style="color:white;"Rescued her with a dance wall.
/span span style="color:white;"Kent and Sarah danced slow because/span span style="color:white;""they're just good friends".
/span span style="color:white;"Creep circled again.
/span span style="color:white;"Dance wall held.
/span span style="color:white;"Tried my new vape stick.
/span span style="color:white;"Banoffee pie.
/span span style="color:white;"Alison deep-throated/span span style="color:white;"a glow stick.
/span span style="color:white;"I love her with all of my soul.
/span span style="color:white;"Kent met a girl on the dance floor.
/span span style="color:white;"Sarah took it well.
/span span style="color:white;"Then we all got hammered.
/span span style="color:white;"I fucking love Bath.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Adventure Time is so cool.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I mean, it's meant for kids, but/span span style="color:yellow;"it's actually on two levels.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Oi, Tinkerbell, what the fuck/span span style="color:cyan;"are you doing in our cab?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Don't listen to her.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"She's just at stage one anger.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Stage one? /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"There's seven stages of/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Sarah span style="color:#11FF11;"She'll be at stage two in a minute.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What's stage two?/span span style="color:cyan;"Pull over!/span span style="color:cyan;"Pull over!/span span style="color:white;"Sarah!/span span style="color:yellow;"Get the fuck out of my cab!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"It just noises now.
No flow.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Maybe we should try and find/span span style="color:yellow;"some shelter.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Like, a deserted barn when you can/span span style="color:yellow;"actually see the stars/span span style="color:yellow;"shining through the roof.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"Yes!/span span style="color:white;"What? And get eaten alive by rats?/span span style="color:cyan;"Oh, I fucking hate rats.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Oh, I think they're cute.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I know, it's their little noses,/span span style="color:cyan;"isn't it? /spanspan style="color:yellow;"Ye span style="color:white;"I'll try Barry's Cabs.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Mate, mate, mate, mate.
Tell us/span span style="color:cyan;"what happens in Adventure Time? /spanspan style="c span style="color:white;"So you can continue to lie/span span style="color:white;"about who you are?/span span style="color:cyan;"I was pretending I've seen a/span span style="color:cyan;"cartoon, what's your problem?/span span style="color:white;"Ever since you met Sophie you've/span span style="color:white;"been painting an image of/span span style="color:white;"yourself that is, quite frankly,/span span style="color:white;"unrepresentative.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Yeah, because I'm trying to shag/span span style="color:cyan;"her.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Poetic.
/ span style="color:cyan;"You look a right self-righteous/span span style="color:cyan;"prick when you smoke that.
/span span style="color:white;"Well, excuse me for avoiding/span span style="color:white;"cancer.
/span span style="color:white;"No-one's answering.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"So, we're fucking stranded!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I've got my driving test in/span span style="color:#11FF11;"the morning.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I need to be home and sober now.
/span span style="color:white;"Then, shouldn't you stop drinking?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"No, because the fresh air balances/span span style="color:#11FF11;"me out.
/span span style="color:white;"I'll try Starlight.
/span span style="color:cyan;"It's definitely fine now.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Oh/span span style="color:yellow;"Hi up, lad.
/span span style="color:white;"Oh! Sean Bean.
/span span style="color:white;"You scared my balls off.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I lost my balls in battle.
/span span style="color:white;"Seriously?/span span style="color:yellow;"Only joking, lad.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Frostbite.
/span span style="color:white;"OK.
/span span style="color:white;"You don't have a cab number, do you?/span span style="color:yellow;"Morpheus,/span span style="color:yellow;"no carriage is coming for you/span span style="color:yellow;"tonight,/span span style="color:yellow;"and this group needs a leader.
/span span style="color:yellow;"It's your quest to get this/span span style="color:yellow;"lot home.
/span span style="color:white;"Oh.
My.
God.
/span span style="color:white;"You're giving me a quest?/span span style="color:white;"Sean Bean is giving me a quest!/span span style="color:yellow;"Calm down, calm down.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Am I going/span span style="color:white;"to find a ri span style="color:yellow;"I should never have said quest,/span span style="color:yellow;"I justused the wrong word.
/span span style="color:yellow;"It's down to you,/span span style="color:yellow;"to lead this group/span span style="color:yellow;"on the eight mile walk back to/span span style="color:yellow;"Neston Berry.
/span span style="color:white;"Challenge accepted.
/span span style="color:white;"Now, will there be an amulet, or/span span style="color:yellow;"No amulets.
For fuck's sake.
/span span style="color:white;"Got it.
/span span style="color:white;"Getting a bit cold now, innit.
/span span style="color:white;"Almost like the seasons are/span span style="color:white;"changing.
/span span style="color:white;"Almost like summer is over and/span span style="color:white;"winter is/span span style="color:yellow;"I'm not saying it.
/span span style="color:white;"Fair enough.
/span span style="color:white;"Just once.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"No!/span span style="color:white;"Please.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"Not a chance.
/span span style="color:white;"The quest begins.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Can I just say, walking is shit?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Can't we just stick to the road?/span span style="color:white;"Alison, this app crowd sources/span span style="color:white;"routes from all its users,/span span style="color:white;"to create perfect short cuts/span span style="color:white;"through rural areas.
/span span style="color:white;"Follow this line, we'll pop out by/span span style="color:white;"the petrol station.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Just use Google maps like every/span span style="color:#11FF11;"other fucker.
/span span style="color:white;"Wait.
That's weird.
/span span style="color:white;"It says 72 people have passed this/span span style="color:white;"way in the last week but the/span span style="color:white;"route stops here.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What's that light?/span span style="color:white;"X FILES-TYPE MUSIC/span span style="color:white;"Thatis someone wearing a/span span style="color:white;"head torch.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Look, there's another one.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What are they actually/span span style="color:yellow;"doing out here?/span span style="color:white;"X FILES-TYPE MUSIC CONTINUES/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Morph, I think you might have/span span style="color:#11FF11;"downloaded a dogging app.
/span span style="color:white;"Oh, come on,/span span style="color:white;"Back Passages is not a/span span style="color:white;"Actually, now I've said it out/span span style="color:white;"loud /spanspan style="color:yellow;"There span style="color:cyan;"How is this going to work out?/span span style="color:white;"ALL: Oh.
/span span style="color:cyan;"The one in the middle is having/span span style="color:cyan;"a good night.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"It's actually kind of beautiful.
/span span style="color:white;"CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS/span span style="color:white;"Is that/span span style="color:white;"Another one, just watching?/span span style="color:yellow;"There's nothing wrong with/span span style="color:yellow;"watching.
/span span style="color:white;"ALL SCREAM/span span style="color:white;"Is there a petrol station round/span span style="color:white;"here?/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah, two mile down that way.
/span span style="color:white;"Thanks.
Erm/span span style="color:white;"Your fly's undone.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah.
I know.
/span span style="color:white;"Bye.
/span span style="color:white;"And can I have some.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Head torch batteries?/span span style="color:white;"No, paracetamol and less/span span style="color:white;"assumptions from you.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Right, well, it's Ð10 minimum but if/span span style="color:cyan;"you did want the batteries we/span span style="color:cyan;"got a deal on where you get/span span style="color:cyan;"half-price condoms and/span span style="color:cyan;"a pair of fingerless gloves.
/span span style="color:white;"Ew.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Just get us a bottle of voddy.
/span span style="color:white;"You're drinking vodka now?/span span style="color:white;"Do you want to fail your driving/span span style="color:white;"test? /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"No.
/ span style="color:#11FF11;"That's why I got the Red Bull.
They/span span style="color:#11FF11;"cancel each other out.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You actually might want to/span span style="color:yellow;"come and see this.
/span span style="color:white;"MESSAGE ALERT PINGS/span span style="color:white;"KENT'S VOICE: Panicky face emoji.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Ah, stage three.
Mischief.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What is she actually doing?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I've seen this before.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Are you making mixed race biscuits?/span span style="color:white;"SHE WHIMPERS/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Aww.
/span span style="color:white;"Kent? Kent? Oh, Jesus Christ.
/span span style="color:yellow;"God, you've been fucking ages.
/span span style="color:white;"I didn't know you were/span span style="color:white;"What's wrong with the toilet?/span span style="color:yellow;"It's out of order.
/span span style="color:white;"This is absolutely disgusting.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Calm down, mate.
It's only/span span style="color:yellow;"a street dump.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Y span style="color:white;"You've got a name for it! Kent,/span span style="color:white;"this is a working petrol station.
/span span style="color:white;"Families stop here for provisions.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Just pass me the tissues and keep/span span style="color:yellow;"a lookout for Sophie.
/span span style="color:white;"A human would have waited/span span style="color:white;"until we got home.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I can't let Sophie/span span style="color:yellow;"anywhere near this.
/span span style="color:yellow;"If I dropped this at home, the whole/span span style="color:yellow;"house would be nuked.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You wouldn't understand/span span style="color:yellow;"cos you're a virgin.
/span span style="color:white;"I had sex on my French exchange.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah, with the mysterious Angelique/span span style="color:yellow;"who's not even on Facebook.
/span span style="color:white;"Look, if you have to pretend be/span span style="color:white;"someone else in front of your/span span style="color:white;"girlfriend then maybe she isn't/span span style="color:white;"right for you.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah, well, if you have to pretend/span span style="color:yellow;"your girlfriend exists,/span span style="color:yellow;"maybe you're a bit fucking nuts.
/span span style="color:white;"Hey, aren't you going to clean that/span span style="color:white;"up?/span span style="color:yellow;"Street dump, mate.
/span span style="color:white;"# You with the sad eyes.
#/span span style="color:white;"Fucking, hell, Kent.
/span span style="color:white;"# Don't be discouraged/span span style="color:white;"Oh I realise.
#/span span style="color:white;"Jesus.
/span span style="color:white;"# It's hard to take courage/span span style="color:white;"In a world full of people.
#/span span style="color:white;"This is disgusting.
/span span style="color:white;"# You can lose sight of it all/span span style="color:white;"And the darkness inside you/span span style="color:white;"# Can make you feel so small/span span style="color:white;"# But I see your true colours/span span style="color:white;"And that's why I love you/span span style="color:white;"# So don't be afraid.
#/span span style="color:white;"All done now.
/span span style="color:white;"It's horrible.
/span span style="color:white;"You know it's coming, but you're/span span style="color:white;"never quite prepared.
/span span style="color:yellow;"It's like a giant burning/span span style="color:yellow;""Fuck you!" in the sky.
/span span style="color:cyan;"It's a shining beacon of hope/span span style="color:cyan;"for our quest.
/span span style="color:cyan;"If we keep up with this pace,/span span style="color:cyan;"we'll be back on the sofa in time/span span style="color:cyan;"for Saturday Kitchen.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Oh, my God! It's still here!/span span style="color:yellow;"Quest cancelled, mate.
At least/span span style="color:yellow;"till stage three's over.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Sarah, get off!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Never!/span span style="color:white;"Might as well skin up then.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Driving test.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"F span style="color:yellow;"Although if I do get stoned,/span span style="color:yellow;"I'll sleep really deeply and/span span style="color:yellow;"wake up even fresher.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Fuck it.
Roll up a fatty.
/span span style="color:white;"SARAH CHEERS/span span style="color:cyan;"Quest.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Apparently when they write/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Adventure Time, they smoke pot,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"which is why it's actually/span span style="color:#11FF11;"so random.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Do you watchanything else?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I don't know, is that on Netflix?/span span style="color:yellow;"Enjoy.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Kent, I don't normally actually go/span span style="color:#11FF11;"home with boys I've just met,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"but we've got so much in common.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I mean, we both love Pokemon,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Wes Anderson films.
/spanspan style="color:w span style="color:#11FF11;"And I cannot wait to play badminton/span span style="color:#11FF11;"with you.
/span span style="color:white;"Huh.
Although no rush on that.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Yeah.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Brownie can suck my dick!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I actually don't do drugs.
/span span style="color:white;"It's not drugs, it's weed.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I'd have a go on your friend's/span span style="color:#11FF11;"vape stick though.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"That actually looks so fun.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I mean, banoffee pie.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Yeah, that's lovely that.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Ow! /spanspan style="color:white;"Lend us your vape.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I thought it was for/span span style="color:cyan;"self-righteous pricks.
/spanspan style="color:white;"It i span style="color:white;"and people desperately trying to/span span style="color:white;"impress self-righteous pricks, so/span span style="color:cyan;"Sophie.
/span span style="color:white;"I don't know, man.
/span span style="color:white;"Maybe you're right, maybe completely/span span style="color:white;"lying about who I am isn't/span span style="color:white;"the healthiest way to start/span span style="color:white;"a relationship.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"Sho span style="color:cyan;"Vaporiser's in here somewhere.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Hold this.
/span span style="color:white;"Boof! Boof! Boof!/span span style="color:cyan;"Hold that.
/spanspan style="color:white;"What is it?/span span style="color:cyan;"That is your mess.
/spanspan style="color:white;"What?/span span style="color:cyan;"The mess you made behind the garage/span span style="color:cyan;"that you forced me to clean up.
/span span style="color:white;"Dude, what the fuck?!/span span style="color:white;"You're carrying a turd around in/span span style="color:white;"your record bag! /spanspan style="color:cyan span style="color:cyan;"Well, until I find somewhere to put/span span style="color:cyan;"it, yes, I am.
/spanspan style="color:white; span style="color:white;"Or there? Or anywhere that isn't/span span style="color:white;"inside your own fucking bag?!/span span style="color:cyan;"Children play in these woods, Kent.
/span span style="color:cyan;"When I was six, I went down/span span style="color:cyan;"a slide straight over a fresh one.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I had someone else's poo/span span style="color:cyan;"in my own pants.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I will NOT do that to someone else!/span span style="color:white;"Is that the slide on Padstock Green?/span span style="color:cyan;"Do not tell me that was one of/span span style="color:cyan;"yours.
/spanspan style="color:white;"II will span style="color:cyan;"Oh, fuck's sake!/span span style="color:white;"I can't believe I was about to take/span span style="color:white;"advice off a man/span span style="color:white;"who's carrying around a shit.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I'm not carrying it around/span span style="color:cyan;"indefinitely.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Just until we find a dog waste bin.
/span span style="color:white;"You're fucking nuts.
/span span style="color:white;"Seriously, mate.
A shit in a bag?/span span style="color:cyan;"Put this in here.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Come on, lad, why have you got/span span style="color:yellow;"a mucky in your bag?/span span style="color:cyan;"Oh, so you're taking his side.
/span span style="color:yellow;"We've all been there.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Sean Bean does street dumps?/span span style="color:yellow;"I live in medieval times,/span span style="color:yellow;"every dump's a street dump.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I've done it outside a tavern, in/span span style="color:yellow;"ditches.
Dropped one off a horse.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Once left one on a drawbridge.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Right.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Look, you're supposed to be/span span style="color:cyan;"my spirit guide.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I thought you had my back, Sean.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Look, I do, lad.
I do.
/span span style="color:yellow;"But I need you to think about what/span span style="color:yellow;"you're doing.
Look inside yourself.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I gave you this quest.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Ah, so it is a quest.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;" span style="color:yellow;"It's not a quest, it's a/span span style="color:cyan;"You've said it now so you can't/span span st span style="color:yellow;"Fuck's sake.
/span span style="color:cyan;"What flavour's that? /spanspan style="color:yellow;"Banoffee pie.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Nice.
I've got the same.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I can't do it! I can't do it!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I can't do it! I can't do it!/span span style="color:yellow;"She's on stage four - self-doubt.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Swing back over and we'll try and/span span style="color:yellow;"catch you.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11 span style="color:yellow;"We'll definitely catch you.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Hopefully.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"And come back to what,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"my shitty little life?/span span style="color:cyan;"Actually I think she's skipped/span span style="color:cyan;"straight to stage five -/span span style="color:cyan;"existential doubt.
/span span style="color:white;"That was quick.
It normally takes at/span span style="color:white;"least an hour and a bag of chips.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"You're just trying to trick me/span span style="color:#11FF11;"so I fall,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"cos none of you have ever liked me.
/span span style="color:white;"Oh, for God's sake.
/span span style="color:yellow;"We don't all hate you.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I suppose you've all had a laugh/span span style="color:#11FF11;"about my Kickstarter video too,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"for my novel! /spanspan style="color:yellow;"We didn't know about/span span style="color:yellow;"that.
span style="color:white;"What's it called?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"It's called The Mill On The Moor.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"It's about a disfigured man/span span style="color:#11FF11;"in a windmill, who meets/span span style="color:#11FF11;"a beautiful time-travelling girl/span span style="color:#11FF11;"with short blond hair.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Don't pretend you didn't know that!/span span style="color:white;"Oh, I found it.
One view.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Come on.
You're just having/span span style="color:yellow;"the booze panics.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Swing back over so we can get,/span span style="color:yellow;"like, an hour's sleep.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"No.
The water's my only friend/span span style="color:#11FF11;"because it's black, like my soul.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Take me to your dark heart/span span style="color:#11FF11;"of doubt.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Doubt.
Doubt.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Doubt!/span span style="color:cyan;"Doubt.
Doubt.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I am the booming voice of doubt.
/span span style="color:cyan;"That tweet you posted four years ago/span span style="color:cyan;"might have come out a bit racist.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Doubt.
Doubt.
That itch in your ear/span span style="color:cyan;"is probably spiders' eggs.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Doubt.
Doubt.
/span span style="color:cyan;"There's apps that can tell people/span span style="color:cyan;"when you stalk their Facebook.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Doubt.
/span span style="color:cyan;"You went to a reggae night instead/span span style="color:cyan;"of visiting Grandma/span span style="color:white;"# Pass the dutchie #/span span style="color:cyan;"And she died.
Doubt.
Doubt.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Fingernails are indigestible.
/span span style="color:cyan;"There's a ball of them in your/span span style="color:cyan;"intestines and it's only/span span style="color:cyan;"getting bigger.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"They can't form/span span style="color:#11FF11;"a ball.
/ span style="color:cyan;"Maybe you should watch/span span style="color:cyan;"Adventure Time like that girl/span span style="color:cyan;"he likes more than you.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Actually/span span style="color:white;"Actually span style="color:cyan;"Your hair is thinning a bit, maybe.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Do you love reggae more than/span span style="color:cyan;"Grandma? /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Maybe I span style="color:cyan;"And now she's dead because of you.
/span span style="color:white;"CACKLING AND SCREAMING/span span style="color:white;"Oh, my God,/span span style="color:white;"is she actually having a fit?/span span style="color:yellow;"No, it's just the booming voice of/span span style="color:yellow;"self-doubt.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I'm sorry, Grandma.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I just love the dark.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Why are we so wet? /spanspan style="color:yellow;"Because you/span span style="color:yellow;"Tom Daley-e span style="color:#11FF11;"Why did we go to a puddle?/span span style="color:yellow;"Because your brother's a dogger.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Why are we so wet? /spanspan style="color:yellow;"Guys,/span span style="color:yellow;"she's looping.
W span style="color:cyan;"Is that a curry house doing/span span style="color:cyan;"a breakfast special?/span span style="color:white;"That's a mirage.
/span span style="color:white;"There's no curry house on this road.
/span span style="color:cyan;"You can't mirage a curry house.
/span span style="color:white;"You mirage a complete twat.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"Right,/span span style="color:cyan;"let's get in span style="color:yellow;"Curry breakfast?!/span span style="color:cyan;"There's a second time for everything/span span style="color:cyan;"AND it will sober her up and/span span style="color:cyan;"we'll end up saving time.
Bosch!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I actually don't really like/span span style="color:#11FF11;"spicy foods.
/span span style="color:white;"Get some fucking chips then!/span span style="color:white;"As a side and we'll share.
/span span style="color:white;"Whatever you like.
/span span style="color:yellow;"We haven't got time for a curry!/span span style="color:cyan;"There's always a time for a curry.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Not when my driving test is/span span style="color:yellow;"almost in the past.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You know what?/span span style="color:yellow;"Fuck it.
It'll just be the same/span span style="color:yellow;"as last time.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I'll get overexcited,/span span style="color:yellow;"do 80 on a B road/span span style="color:yellow;"and end up pulling deer chunks/span span style="color:yellow;"out of my radiator.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Alison, if you quit now,/span span style="color:cyan;"this whole quest will be/span span style="color:cyan;"for nothing.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Why am I so wet?/span span style="color:white;"BOTH: You fell in a puddle!/span span style="color:cyan;"Fuck! Come on, Alison.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Imagine what it would be like to/span span style="color:cyan;"drive yourself to Odeon.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You're right.
I could get my/span span style="color:yellow;"own pick and mix.
/span span style="color:yellow;"And then we wouldn't keep brushing/span span style="color:yellow;"hands in the bag accidentally.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Yeah, accidentally.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"OK, guys,/span span style="color:yellow;"I'm fucking do span style="color:yellow;"Cheers! /spanspan style="color:cyan;"No, stop drinking.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Oh, got it, yeah.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"Company, march.
/span span style="color:white;"Guys, this place is massive.
/span span style="color:white;"There's this whole other area back/span span style="color:white;"there that's completely empty.
/span span style="color:white;"At first, I thought it was a mirror,/span span style="color:white;"but turns out it's the whole/span span style="color:white;"function room.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"Who has/span span style="color:yellow;"a curry function?/sp span style="color:cyan;"Actually, I would love that.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Please come here for my funeral.
/span span style="color:white;"Why is it always a funeral with you?/span span style="color:white;"Why is it never a function/span span style="color:white;"when you're alive?/span span style="color:cyan;"I just like the idea of everyone/span span style="color:cyan;"missing me and talking about me/span span style="color:cyan;"and having a lovely curry.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Fine,/span span style="color:white;"we'll have a span style="color:cyan;"Or Pizza Express in Bath.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Ultimately, it's your day.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I just had the weirdest chat/span span style="color:#11FF11;"with your mate.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;" span style="color:#11FF11;"She kept saying, "We're cool,"/span span style="color:#11FF11;"and then she actually/span span style="color:yellow;"Tried to kiss you.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Yeah.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"Stage 6.
5 -/span span style="color:yellow;"temporary lesbianism.
/s span style="color:yellow;"You don't always get that one.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Hello, Alison.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;" span style="color:white;"Mm.
Excuse me.
Can I get a Cobra/span span style="color:white;"please? Sophie?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I've actually got a bit of/span span style="color:#11FF11;"a headache.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Morph brought some paracetamol.
/span span style="color:white;"MORPHEUS: /spanspan style="color:cyan;"It' span style="color:white;"SARAH: /spanspan style="color:cyan;"Is that my shish?/span span style="color:white;"Here you go.
/span span style="color:cyan;"No! Don't, don't! /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Oh, God! /spanspan style="color:cyan;"Ah!/span span style="color:yellow;"Morph, what the fuck?/span span style="color:white;"Yeah, Morph, what the fuck?/span span style="color:white;"SARAH: /spanspan style="color:cyan;"What the fuck?/span span style="color:white;"MORPHEUS: /spanspan style="color:cyan;"(I haven't found/span span style="color:cyan;"a dog poo bin.
)/spa span style="color:yellow;"(Why have you got a dog turd?!)/span span style="color:cyan;"It's OK.
It's OK.
/span span style="color:cyan;"It's not an actual dog turd,/span span style="color:cyan;"it's human.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"Oh! span style="color:#11FF11;"Shit! /spanspan style="color:yellow;"That's fucking gross! /spanspan style="color:white;"Mate!/span span style="color:yellow;"Fuck's sake! /spanspan style="color:cyan;"I couldn't just leave/span span style="color:cyan;"it on the span style="color:yellow;"Yes, you could! /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Who does/span span style="color:#11FF11;"a poo on the str span style="color:#11FF11;"It's disgusting! It's Are you/span span style="color:#11FF11;"fucked? Are you sick in the head?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I mean, what's wrong with you?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Are you, like, some kind of animal?/span span style="color:cyan;"Yes, Sophie.
I am, in fact,/span span style="color:cyan;"an animal.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I've had problems with my bowels/span span style="color:cyan;"for many years now.
/span span style="color:cyan;"At the age of five, I was told I had/span span style="color:cyan;"IBS.
I can't control it/span span style="color:white;"It's fine.
I've got this.
/span span style="color:white;"It was me.
I do street dumps.
/span span style="color:white;"Semi-regularly.
/span span style="color:white;"It's how I roll.
/span span style="color:white;"It's a part of who I am.
/span span style="color:white;"And if you can't deal with it, then,/span span style="color:white;"well, I guess we/span span style="color:white;"shouldn't be together.
/span span style="color:white;"Thank you.
/span span style="color:cyan;"(Well done, mate.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Thank you.
)/span span style="color:cyan;"Is that my shish? /spanspan style="color:white;"ECHOES: /spanspan style="color:yellow;"NO!/span span style="color:white;"SHE GASPS/span span style="color:white;"MUSIC: Sprach Zarathustra/span span style="color:white;"by Richard Strauss/span span style="color:cyan;"Nice of them to give us/span span style="color:cyan;"the hot towels.
/span span style="color:white;"I could've done with more mints/span span style="color:white;"though.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"Did span style="color:cyan;"Let's go inside, let's go to bed/span span style="color:cyan;"and never speak of this again.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Orcheeky fry up? /spanspan style="color:yellow;"How can you/span span style="color:yellow;"want to ea span style="color:#11FF11;"Stage seven - bacon.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Sorry about Sophie, mate.
/span span style="color:white;"Yeah.
I should've listened to you.
/span span style="color:white;"You know, there was a moment then,/span span style="color:white;"where just for a second/span span style="color:white;"I thought she was going to/span span style="color:white;"be OK with it.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Was that before or after she was/span span style="color:#11FF11;"covered in shit?/span span style="color:white;"Before.
/span span style="color:white;"Definitely before.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Quest complete.
/span span style="color:yellow;"It's not a quest!/span span style="color:cyan;"Can't take it back, Bean.
/span span style="color:white;"CAR HORN BEEPS/span span style="color:yellow;"Ah, bollocks!/span span style="color:white;"S-Slow down.
S-Slow down.
Brake.
/span span style="color:white;"Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake!/span span style="color:yellow;"Not again!/span span style="color:white;"# I can't stand it/span span style="color:white;"I know you planned it/span span style="color:white;"# I'ma set it straight/span span style="color:white;"This Watergate/span span style="color:white;"# I can't stand rocking/span span style="color:white;"when I'm in here/span span style="color:white;"# Because your crystal ball/span span style="color:white;"ain't so crystal clear/span span style="color:white;"# So while you sit back/span span style="color:white;"and wonder why/span span style="color:white;"# I got this fucking/span span style="color:white;"thorn in my side/span span style="color:white;"# Oh, my God, it's a mirage/span span style="color:white;"# I'm tellin' y'all/span span style="color:white;"it's sabotage.
#/span
/span span style="color:white;"Alison played tattoo ninja.
/span span style="color:white;"Kent bet he could do bong shots.
/span span style="color:white;"He said it's made him psychic.
/span span style="color:white;"I pretended to be a Jedi.
/span span style="color:white;"Alison got the sword.
/span span style="color:white;"It was time to go.
Taxi to Bath.
/span span style="color:white;"Pretended to be Heath Ledger's/span span style="color:white;"Joker.
It was fucking cool.
/span span style="color:white;"Straight into Infernos.
It was full/span span style="color:white;"of townies.
We had it anyway.
/span span style="color:white;"Two-for-one on shots.
/span span style="color:white;"Some creep hit on Alison.
/span span style="color:white;"Rescued her with a dance wall.
/span span style="color:white;"Kent and Sarah danced slow because/span span style="color:white;""they're just good friends".
/span span style="color:white;"Creep circled again.
/span span style="color:white;"Dance wall held.
/span span style="color:white;"Tried my new vape stick.
/span span style="color:white;"Banoffee pie.
/span span style="color:white;"Alison deep-throated/span span style="color:white;"a glow stick.
/span span style="color:white;"I love her with all of my soul.
/span span style="color:white;"Kent met a girl on the dance floor.
/span span style="color:white;"Sarah took it well.
/span span style="color:white;"Then we all got hammered.
/span span style="color:white;"I fucking love Bath.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Adventure Time is so cool.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I mean, it's meant for kids, but/span span style="color:yellow;"it's actually on two levels.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Oi, Tinkerbell, what the fuck/span span style="color:cyan;"are you doing in our cab?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Don't listen to her.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"She's just at stage one anger.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Stage one? /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"There's seven stages of/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Sarah span style="color:#11FF11;"She'll be at stage two in a minute.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What's stage two?/span span style="color:cyan;"Pull over!/span span style="color:cyan;"Pull over!/span span style="color:white;"Sarah!/span span style="color:yellow;"Get the fuck out of my cab!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"It just noises now.
No flow.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Maybe we should try and find/span span style="color:yellow;"some shelter.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Like, a deserted barn when you can/span span style="color:yellow;"actually see the stars/span span style="color:yellow;"shining through the roof.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"Yes!/span span style="color:white;"What? And get eaten alive by rats?/span span style="color:cyan;"Oh, I fucking hate rats.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Oh, I think they're cute.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I know, it's their little noses,/span span style="color:cyan;"isn't it? /spanspan style="color:yellow;"Ye span style="color:white;"I'll try Barry's Cabs.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Mate, mate, mate, mate.
Tell us/span span style="color:cyan;"what happens in Adventure Time? /spanspan style="c span style="color:white;"So you can continue to lie/span span style="color:white;"about who you are?/span span style="color:cyan;"I was pretending I've seen a/span span style="color:cyan;"cartoon, what's your problem?/span span style="color:white;"Ever since you met Sophie you've/span span style="color:white;"been painting an image of/span span style="color:white;"yourself that is, quite frankly,/span span style="color:white;"unrepresentative.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Yeah, because I'm trying to shag/span span style="color:cyan;"her.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Poetic.
/ span style="color:cyan;"You look a right self-righteous/span span style="color:cyan;"prick when you smoke that.
/span span style="color:white;"Well, excuse me for avoiding/span span style="color:white;"cancer.
/span span style="color:white;"No-one's answering.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"So, we're fucking stranded!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I've got my driving test in/span span style="color:#11FF11;"the morning.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I need to be home and sober now.
/span span style="color:white;"Then, shouldn't you stop drinking?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"No, because the fresh air balances/span span style="color:#11FF11;"me out.
/span span style="color:white;"I'll try Starlight.
/span span style="color:cyan;"It's definitely fine now.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Oh/span span style="color:yellow;"Hi up, lad.
/span span style="color:white;"Oh! Sean Bean.
/span span style="color:white;"You scared my balls off.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I lost my balls in battle.
/span span style="color:white;"Seriously?/span span style="color:yellow;"Only joking, lad.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Frostbite.
/span span style="color:white;"OK.
/span span style="color:white;"You don't have a cab number, do you?/span span style="color:yellow;"Morpheus,/span span style="color:yellow;"no carriage is coming for you/span span style="color:yellow;"tonight,/span span style="color:yellow;"and this group needs a leader.
/span span style="color:yellow;"It's your quest to get this/span span style="color:yellow;"lot home.
/span span style="color:white;"Oh.
My.
God.
/span span style="color:white;"You're giving me a quest?/span span style="color:white;"Sean Bean is giving me a quest!/span span style="color:yellow;"Calm down, calm down.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Am I going/span span style="color:white;"to find a ri span style="color:yellow;"I should never have said quest,/span span style="color:yellow;"I justused the wrong word.
/span span style="color:yellow;"It's down to you,/span span style="color:yellow;"to lead this group/span span style="color:yellow;"on the eight mile walk back to/span span style="color:yellow;"Neston Berry.
/span span style="color:white;"Challenge accepted.
/span span style="color:white;"Now, will there be an amulet, or/span span style="color:yellow;"No amulets.
For fuck's sake.
/span span style="color:white;"Got it.
/span span style="color:white;"Getting a bit cold now, innit.
/span span style="color:white;"Almost like the seasons are/span span style="color:white;"changing.
/span span style="color:white;"Almost like summer is over and/span span style="color:white;"winter is/span span style="color:yellow;"I'm not saying it.
/span span style="color:white;"Fair enough.
/span span style="color:white;"Just once.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"No!/span span style="color:white;"Please.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"Not a chance.
/span span style="color:white;"The quest begins.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Can I just say, walking is shit?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Can't we just stick to the road?/span span style="color:white;"Alison, this app crowd sources/span span style="color:white;"routes from all its users,/span span style="color:white;"to create perfect short cuts/span span style="color:white;"through rural areas.
/span span style="color:white;"Follow this line, we'll pop out by/span span style="color:white;"the petrol station.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Just use Google maps like every/span span style="color:#11FF11;"other fucker.
/span span style="color:white;"Wait.
That's weird.
/span span style="color:white;"It says 72 people have passed this/span span style="color:white;"way in the last week but the/span span style="color:white;"route stops here.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What's that light?/span span style="color:white;"X FILES-TYPE MUSIC/span span style="color:white;"Thatis someone wearing a/span span style="color:white;"head torch.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Look, there's another one.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What are they actually/span span style="color:yellow;"doing out here?/span span style="color:white;"X FILES-TYPE MUSIC CONTINUES/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Morph, I think you might have/span span style="color:#11FF11;"downloaded a dogging app.
/span span style="color:white;"Oh, come on,/span span style="color:white;"Back Passages is not a/span span style="color:white;"Actually, now I've said it out/span span style="color:white;"loud /spanspan style="color:yellow;"There span style="color:cyan;"How is this going to work out?/span span style="color:white;"ALL: Oh.
/span span style="color:cyan;"The one in the middle is having/span span style="color:cyan;"a good night.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"It's actually kind of beautiful.
/span span style="color:white;"CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS/span span style="color:white;"Is that/span span style="color:white;"Another one, just watching?/span span style="color:yellow;"There's nothing wrong with/span span style="color:yellow;"watching.
/span span style="color:white;"ALL SCREAM/span span style="color:white;"Is there a petrol station round/span span style="color:white;"here?/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah, two mile down that way.
/span span style="color:white;"Thanks.
Erm/span span style="color:white;"Your fly's undone.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah.
I know.
/span span style="color:white;"Bye.
/span span style="color:white;"And can I have some.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Head torch batteries?/span span style="color:white;"No, paracetamol and less/span span style="color:white;"assumptions from you.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Right, well, it's Ð10 minimum but if/span span style="color:cyan;"you did want the batteries we/span span style="color:cyan;"got a deal on where you get/span span style="color:cyan;"half-price condoms and/span span style="color:cyan;"a pair of fingerless gloves.
/span span style="color:white;"Ew.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Just get us a bottle of voddy.
/span span style="color:white;"You're drinking vodka now?/span span style="color:white;"Do you want to fail your driving/span span style="color:white;"test? /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"No.
/ span style="color:#11FF11;"That's why I got the Red Bull.
They/span span style="color:#11FF11;"cancel each other out.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You actually might want to/span span style="color:yellow;"come and see this.
/span span style="color:white;"MESSAGE ALERT PINGS/span span style="color:white;"KENT'S VOICE: Panicky face emoji.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Ah, stage three.
Mischief.
/span span style="color:yellow;"What is she actually doing?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I've seen this before.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Are you making mixed race biscuits?/span span style="color:white;"SHE WHIMPERS/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Aww.
/span span style="color:white;"Kent? Kent? Oh, Jesus Christ.
/span span style="color:yellow;"God, you've been fucking ages.
/span span style="color:white;"I didn't know you were/span span style="color:white;"What's wrong with the toilet?/span span style="color:yellow;"It's out of order.
/span span style="color:white;"This is absolutely disgusting.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Calm down, mate.
It's only/span span style="color:yellow;"a street dump.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Y span style="color:white;"You've got a name for it! Kent,/span span style="color:white;"this is a working petrol station.
/span span style="color:white;"Families stop here for provisions.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Just pass me the tissues and keep/span span style="color:yellow;"a lookout for Sophie.
/span span style="color:white;"A human would have waited/span span style="color:white;"until we got home.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I can't let Sophie/span span style="color:yellow;"anywhere near this.
/span span style="color:yellow;"If I dropped this at home, the whole/span span style="color:yellow;"house would be nuked.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You wouldn't understand/span span style="color:yellow;"cos you're a virgin.
/span span style="color:white;"I had sex on my French exchange.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah, with the mysterious Angelique/span span style="color:yellow;"who's not even on Facebook.
/span span style="color:white;"Look, if you have to pretend be/span span style="color:white;"someone else in front of your/span span style="color:white;"girlfriend then maybe she isn't/span span style="color:white;"right for you.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Yeah, well, if you have to pretend/span span style="color:yellow;"your girlfriend exists,/span span style="color:yellow;"maybe you're a bit fucking nuts.
/span span style="color:white;"Hey, aren't you going to clean that/span span style="color:white;"up?/span span style="color:yellow;"Street dump, mate.
/span span style="color:white;"# You with the sad eyes.
#/span span style="color:white;"Fucking, hell, Kent.
/span span style="color:white;"# Don't be discouraged/span span style="color:white;"Oh I realise.
#/span span style="color:white;"Jesus.
/span span style="color:white;"# It's hard to take courage/span span style="color:white;"In a world full of people.
#/span span style="color:white;"This is disgusting.
/span span style="color:white;"# You can lose sight of it all/span span style="color:white;"And the darkness inside you/span span style="color:white;"# Can make you feel so small/span span style="color:white;"# But I see your true colours/span span style="color:white;"And that's why I love you/span span style="color:white;"# So don't be afraid.
#/span span style="color:white;"All done now.
/span span style="color:white;"It's horrible.
/span span style="color:white;"You know it's coming, but you're/span span style="color:white;"never quite prepared.
/span span style="color:yellow;"It's like a giant burning/span span style="color:yellow;""Fuck you!" in the sky.
/span span style="color:cyan;"It's a shining beacon of hope/span span style="color:cyan;"for our quest.
/span span style="color:cyan;"If we keep up with this pace,/span span style="color:cyan;"we'll be back on the sofa in time/span span style="color:cyan;"for Saturday Kitchen.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Oh, my God! It's still here!/span span style="color:yellow;"Quest cancelled, mate.
At least/span span style="color:yellow;"till stage three's over.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Sarah, get off!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Never!/span span style="color:white;"Might as well skin up then.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Driving test.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"F span style="color:yellow;"Although if I do get stoned,/span span style="color:yellow;"I'll sleep really deeply and/span span style="color:yellow;"wake up even fresher.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Fuck it.
Roll up a fatty.
/span span style="color:white;"SARAH CHEERS/span span style="color:cyan;"Quest.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Apparently when they write/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Adventure Time, they smoke pot,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"which is why it's actually/span span style="color:#11FF11;"so random.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Do you watchanything else?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I don't know, is that on Netflix?/span span style="color:yellow;"Enjoy.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Kent, I don't normally actually go/span span style="color:#11FF11;"home with boys I've just met,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"but we've got so much in common.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I mean, we both love Pokemon,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Wes Anderson films.
/spanspan style="color:w span style="color:#11FF11;"And I cannot wait to play badminton/span span style="color:#11FF11;"with you.
/span span style="color:white;"Huh.
Although no rush on that.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Yeah.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Brownie can suck my dick!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I actually don't do drugs.
/span span style="color:white;"It's not drugs, it's weed.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I'd have a go on your friend's/span span style="color:#11FF11;"vape stick though.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"That actually looks so fun.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I mean, banoffee pie.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Yeah, that's lovely that.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Ow! /spanspan style="color:white;"Lend us your vape.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I thought it was for/span span style="color:cyan;"self-righteous pricks.
/spanspan style="color:white;"It i span style="color:white;"and people desperately trying to/span span style="color:white;"impress self-righteous pricks, so/span span style="color:cyan;"Sophie.
/span span style="color:white;"I don't know, man.
/span span style="color:white;"Maybe you're right, maybe completely/span span style="color:white;"lying about who I am isn't/span span style="color:white;"the healthiest way to start/span span style="color:white;"a relationship.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"Sho span style="color:cyan;"Vaporiser's in here somewhere.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Hold this.
/span span style="color:white;"Boof! Boof! Boof!/span span style="color:cyan;"Hold that.
/spanspan style="color:white;"What is it?/span span style="color:cyan;"That is your mess.
/spanspan style="color:white;"What?/span span style="color:cyan;"The mess you made behind the garage/span span style="color:cyan;"that you forced me to clean up.
/span span style="color:white;"Dude, what the fuck?!/span span style="color:white;"You're carrying a turd around in/span span style="color:white;"your record bag! /spanspan style="color:cyan span style="color:cyan;"Well, until I find somewhere to put/span span style="color:cyan;"it, yes, I am.
/spanspan style="color:white; span style="color:white;"Or there? Or anywhere that isn't/span span style="color:white;"inside your own fucking bag?!/span span style="color:cyan;"Children play in these woods, Kent.
/span span style="color:cyan;"When I was six, I went down/span span style="color:cyan;"a slide straight over a fresh one.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I had someone else's poo/span span style="color:cyan;"in my own pants.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I will NOT do that to someone else!/span span style="color:white;"Is that the slide on Padstock Green?/span span style="color:cyan;"Do not tell me that was one of/span span style="color:cyan;"yours.
/spanspan style="color:white;"II will span style="color:cyan;"Oh, fuck's sake!/span span style="color:white;"I can't believe I was about to take/span span style="color:white;"advice off a man/span span style="color:white;"who's carrying around a shit.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I'm not carrying it around/span span style="color:cyan;"indefinitely.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Just until we find a dog waste bin.
/span span style="color:white;"You're fucking nuts.
/span span style="color:white;"Seriously, mate.
A shit in a bag?/span span style="color:cyan;"Put this in here.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Come on, lad, why have you got/span span style="color:yellow;"a mucky in your bag?/span span style="color:cyan;"Oh, so you're taking his side.
/span span style="color:yellow;"We've all been there.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Sean Bean does street dumps?/span span style="color:yellow;"I live in medieval times,/span span style="color:yellow;"every dump's a street dump.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I've done it outside a tavern, in/span span style="color:yellow;"ditches.
Dropped one off a horse.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Once left one on a drawbridge.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Right.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Look, you're supposed to be/span span style="color:cyan;"my spirit guide.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I thought you had my back, Sean.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Look, I do, lad.
I do.
/span span style="color:yellow;"But I need you to think about what/span span style="color:yellow;"you're doing.
Look inside yourself.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I gave you this quest.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Ah, so it is a quest.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;" span style="color:yellow;"It's not a quest, it's a/span span style="color:cyan;"You've said it now so you can't/span span st span style="color:yellow;"Fuck's sake.
/span span style="color:cyan;"What flavour's that? /spanspan style="color:yellow;"Banoffee pie.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Nice.
I've got the same.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I can't do it! I can't do it!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I can't do it! I can't do it!/span span style="color:yellow;"She's on stage four - self-doubt.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Swing back over and we'll try and/span span style="color:yellow;"catch you.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11 span style="color:yellow;"We'll definitely catch you.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Hopefully.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"And come back to what,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"my shitty little life?/span span style="color:cyan;"Actually I think she's skipped/span span style="color:cyan;"straight to stage five -/span span style="color:cyan;"existential doubt.
/span span style="color:white;"That was quick.
It normally takes at/span span style="color:white;"least an hour and a bag of chips.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"You're just trying to trick me/span span style="color:#11FF11;"so I fall,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"cos none of you have ever liked me.
/span span style="color:white;"Oh, for God's sake.
/span span style="color:yellow;"We don't all hate you.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I suppose you've all had a laugh/span span style="color:#11FF11;"about my Kickstarter video too,/span span style="color:#11FF11;"for my novel! /spanspan style="color:yellow;"We didn't know about/span span style="color:yellow;"that.
span style="color:white;"What's it called?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"It's called The Mill On The Moor.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"It's about a disfigured man/span span style="color:#11FF11;"in a windmill, who meets/span span style="color:#11FF11;"a beautiful time-travelling girl/span span style="color:#11FF11;"with short blond hair.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Don't pretend you didn't know that!/span span style="color:white;"Oh, I found it.
One view.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Come on.
You're just having/span span style="color:yellow;"the booze panics.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Swing back over so we can get,/span span style="color:yellow;"like, an hour's sleep.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"No.
The water's my only friend/span span style="color:#11FF11;"because it's black, like my soul.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Take me to your dark heart/span span style="color:#11FF11;"of doubt.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Doubt.
Doubt.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Doubt!/span span style="color:cyan;"Doubt.
Doubt.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I am the booming voice of doubt.
/span span style="color:cyan;"That tweet you posted four years ago/span span style="color:cyan;"might have come out a bit racist.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Doubt.
Doubt.
That itch in your ear/span span style="color:cyan;"is probably spiders' eggs.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Doubt.
Doubt.
/span span style="color:cyan;"There's apps that can tell people/span span style="color:cyan;"when you stalk their Facebook.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Doubt.
/span span style="color:cyan;"You went to a reggae night instead/span span style="color:cyan;"of visiting Grandma/span span style="color:white;"# Pass the dutchie #/span span style="color:cyan;"And she died.
Doubt.
Doubt.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Fingernails are indigestible.
/span span style="color:cyan;"There's a ball of them in your/span span style="color:cyan;"intestines and it's only/span span style="color:cyan;"getting bigger.
/spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"They can't form/span span style="color:#11FF11;"a ball.
/ span style="color:cyan;"Maybe you should watch/span span style="color:cyan;"Adventure Time like that girl/span span style="color:cyan;"he likes more than you.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Actually/span span style="color:white;"Actually span style="color:cyan;"Your hair is thinning a bit, maybe.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Do you love reggae more than/span span style="color:cyan;"Grandma? /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Maybe I span style="color:cyan;"And now she's dead because of you.
/span span style="color:white;"CACKLING AND SCREAMING/span span style="color:white;"Oh, my God,/span span style="color:white;"is she actually having a fit?/span span style="color:yellow;"No, it's just the booming voice of/span span style="color:yellow;"self-doubt.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I'm sorry, Grandma.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I just love the dark.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Why are we so wet? /spanspan style="color:yellow;"Because you/span span style="color:yellow;"Tom Daley-e span style="color:#11FF11;"Why did we go to a puddle?/span span style="color:yellow;"Because your brother's a dogger.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Why are we so wet? /spanspan style="color:yellow;"Guys,/span span style="color:yellow;"she's looping.
W span style="color:cyan;"Is that a curry house doing/span span style="color:cyan;"a breakfast special?/span span style="color:white;"That's a mirage.
/span span style="color:white;"There's no curry house on this road.
/span span style="color:cyan;"You can't mirage a curry house.
/span span style="color:white;"You mirage a complete twat.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"Right,/span span style="color:cyan;"let's get in span style="color:yellow;"Curry breakfast?!/span span style="color:cyan;"There's a second time for everything/span span style="color:cyan;"AND it will sober her up and/span span style="color:cyan;"we'll end up saving time.
Bosch!/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I actually don't really like/span span style="color:#11FF11;"spicy foods.
/span span style="color:white;"Get some fucking chips then!/span span style="color:white;"As a side and we'll share.
/span span style="color:white;"Whatever you like.
/span span style="color:yellow;"We haven't got time for a curry!/span span style="color:cyan;"There's always a time for a curry.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Not when my driving test is/span span style="color:yellow;"almost in the past.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You know what?/span span style="color:yellow;"Fuck it.
It'll just be the same/span span style="color:yellow;"as last time.
/span span style="color:yellow;"I'll get overexcited,/span span style="color:yellow;"do 80 on a B road/span span style="color:yellow;"and end up pulling deer chunks/span span style="color:yellow;"out of my radiator.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Alison, if you quit now,/span span style="color:cyan;"this whole quest will be/span span style="color:cyan;"for nothing.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Why am I so wet?/span span style="color:white;"BOTH: You fell in a puddle!/span span style="color:cyan;"Fuck! Come on, Alison.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Imagine what it would be like to/span span style="color:cyan;"drive yourself to Odeon.
/span span style="color:yellow;"You're right.
I could get my/span span style="color:yellow;"own pick and mix.
/span span style="color:yellow;"And then we wouldn't keep brushing/span span style="color:yellow;"hands in the bag accidentally.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Yeah, accidentally.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"OK, guys,/span span style="color:yellow;"I'm fucking do span style="color:yellow;"Cheers! /spanspan style="color:cyan;"No, stop drinking.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Oh, got it, yeah.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;"Company, march.
/span span style="color:white;"Guys, this place is massive.
/span span style="color:white;"There's this whole other area back/span span style="color:white;"there that's completely empty.
/span span style="color:white;"At first, I thought it was a mirror,/span span style="color:white;"but turns out it's the whole/span span style="color:white;"function room.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"Who has/span span style="color:yellow;"a curry function?/sp span style="color:cyan;"Actually, I would love that.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Please come here for my funeral.
/span span style="color:white;"Why is it always a funeral with you?/span span style="color:white;"Why is it never a function/span span style="color:white;"when you're alive?/span span style="color:cyan;"I just like the idea of everyone/span span style="color:cyan;"missing me and talking about me/span span style="color:cyan;"and having a lovely curry.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Fine,/span span style="color:white;"we'll have a span style="color:cyan;"Or Pizza Express in Bath.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Ultimately, it's your day.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I just had the weirdest chat/span span style="color:#11FF11;"with your mate.
/spanspan style="color:cyan;" span style="color:#11FF11;"She kept saying, "We're cool,"/span span style="color:#11FF11;"and then she actually/span span style="color:yellow;"Tried to kiss you.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Yeah.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"Stage 6.
5 -/span span style="color:yellow;"temporary lesbianism.
/s span style="color:yellow;"You don't always get that one.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Hello, Alison.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;" span style="color:white;"Mm.
Excuse me.
Can I get a Cobra/span span style="color:white;"please? Sophie?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I've actually got a bit of/span span style="color:#11FF11;"a headache.
/span span style="color:yellow;"Morph brought some paracetamol.
/span span style="color:white;"MORPHEUS: /spanspan style="color:cyan;"It' span style="color:white;"SARAH: /spanspan style="color:cyan;"Is that my shish?/span span style="color:white;"Here you go.
/span span style="color:cyan;"No! Don't, don't! /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Oh, God! /spanspan style="color:cyan;"Ah!/span span style="color:yellow;"Morph, what the fuck?/span span style="color:white;"Yeah, Morph, what the fuck?/span span style="color:white;"SARAH: /spanspan style="color:cyan;"What the fuck?/span span style="color:white;"MORPHEUS: /spanspan style="color:cyan;"(I haven't found/span span style="color:cyan;"a dog poo bin.
)/spa span style="color:yellow;"(Why have you got a dog turd?!)/span span style="color:cyan;"It's OK.
It's OK.
/span span style="color:cyan;"It's not an actual dog turd,/span span style="color:cyan;"it's human.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"Oh! span style="color:#11FF11;"Shit! /spanspan style="color:yellow;"That's fucking gross! /spanspan style="color:white;"Mate!/span span style="color:yellow;"Fuck's sake! /spanspan style="color:cyan;"I couldn't just leave/span span style="color:cyan;"it on the span style="color:yellow;"Yes, you could! /spanspan style="color:#11FF11;"Who does/span span style="color:#11FF11;"a poo on the str span style="color:#11FF11;"It's disgusting! It's Are you/span span style="color:#11FF11;"fucked? Are you sick in the head?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"I mean, what's wrong with you?/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Are you, like, some kind of animal?/span span style="color:cyan;"Yes, Sophie.
I am, in fact,/span span style="color:cyan;"an animal.
/span span style="color:cyan;"I've had problems with my bowels/span span style="color:cyan;"for many years now.
/span span style="color:cyan;"At the age of five, I was told I had/span span style="color:cyan;"IBS.
I can't control it/span span style="color:white;"It's fine.
I've got this.
/span span style="color:white;"It was me.
I do street dumps.
/span span style="color:white;"Semi-regularly.
/span span style="color:white;"It's how I roll.
/span span style="color:white;"It's a part of who I am.
/span span style="color:white;"And if you can't deal with it, then,/span span style="color:white;"well, I guess we/span span style="color:white;"shouldn't be together.
/span span style="color:white;"Thank you.
/span span style="color:cyan;"(Well done, mate.
/spanspan style="color:white;"Thank you.
)/span span style="color:cyan;"Is that my shish? /spanspan style="color:white;"ECHOES: /spanspan style="color:yellow;"NO!/span span style="color:white;"SHE GASPS/span span style="color:white;"MUSIC: Sprach Zarathustra/span span style="color:white;"by Richard Strauss/span span style="color:cyan;"Nice of them to give us/span span style="color:cyan;"the hot towels.
/span span style="color:white;"I could've done with more mints/span span style="color:white;"though.
/spanspan style="color:yellow;"Did span style="color:cyan;"Let's go inside, let's go to bed/span span style="color:cyan;"and never speak of this again.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Orcheeky fry up? /spanspan style="color:yellow;"How can you/span span style="color:yellow;"want to ea span style="color:#11FF11;"Stage seven - bacon.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Sorry about Sophie, mate.
/span span style="color:white;"Yeah.
I should've listened to you.
/span span style="color:white;"You know, there was a moment then,/span span style="color:white;"where just for a second/span span style="color:white;"I thought she was going to/span span style="color:white;"be OK with it.
/span span style="color:#11FF11;"Was that before or after she was/span span style="color:#11FF11;"covered in shit?/span span style="color:white;"Before.
/span span style="color:white;"Definitely before.
/span span style="color:cyan;"Quest complete.
/span span style="color:yellow;"It's not a quest!/span span style="color:cyan;"Can't take it back, Bean.
/span span style="color:white;"CAR HORN BEEPS/span span style="color:yellow;"Ah, bollocks!/span span style="color:white;"S-Slow down.
S-Slow down.
Brake.
/span span style="color:white;"Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake!/span span style="color:yellow;"Not again!/span span style="color:white;"# I can't stand it/span span style="color:white;"I know you planned it/span span style="color:white;"# I'ma set it straight/span span style="color:white;"This Watergate/span span style="color:white;"# I can't stand rocking/span span style="color:white;"when I'm in here/span span style="color:white;"# Because your crystal ball/span span style="color:white;"ain't so crystal clear/span span style="color:white;"# So while you sit back/span span style="color:white;"and wonder why/span span style="color:white;"# I got this fucking/span span style="color:white;"thorn in my side/span span style="color:white;"# Oh, my God, it's a mirage/span span style="color:white;"# I'm tellin' y'all/span span style="color:white;"it's sabotage.
#/span